Being shot down

LegacyUser

Not looking for advice, sista solidarity maybe :-)

So, I put myself out there - told a guy whom Im friends with that I liked him (yesterday) - no relpy so I gather he has run for the hills. RUN RUN RUN.

Any ladies out there sympathise/stories/funny stories/ancedotes on being "shot down"?

Just really want a bit of company on this one, while I lick my wounds :-)

coffee_cake

Do you mean you texted him?

LegacyUser

Yes-well, we dont get to see eachother often. Dont think it matters how it was done. I did it (proud of myself in that regard, but being shot down still sucks).

Storiesssss :-)

Ice Storm

Rejection hurts whether you tell someone to their face, text, PM whatever. Sometimes its easier not to say it to someone's face; the downside is waiting for a reply.

In answer to your question, yes I have been rejected and it ain't nice.

I liked a guy in work and on a few nights out, after drinks were consumed I think I made this pretty clear (to everyone ). Also sent him an embarrassing text another time that I regretted the next day.

He just wasn't interested and it was tough seeing him every day in work after that but it was ok in time. He's with someone else now and it doesn't really bother me; it was more of an infatuation than anything.

More recently I have been rejected on an online dating site. I disabled my account for a while after that, to reevaluate if online dating is for me.

ash23

Over the years I've come to learn that I prefer to regret the things I do over the things I don't do.
So in that regard, the rejection stings but at least I know. Whereas if I did nothing I'd always wonder.

I do recall being besotted with a guy in college. We were great friends. He walked me home from a club one night, holding my hand and I was all "ohmygodohmygodohmygod....this is going to happen". He stopped me, grabbed my shoulders, turned me to face him, gazed into my eyes and said "If I weren't so in love with my ex, I think I would be in love with you" :rolleyes:

I walked home, not sure if I had been rejected or not but pretty sure I had been..........:o

The Big Red Button

ash23 wrote: »

I walked home, not sure if I had been rejected or not but pretty sure I had been..........:o

Ha, in the nicest way possible, though!!

LegacyUser

Posting this anonymously, for reasons that may become obvious! :P

I was seeing a guy, that I really wasn't into, because I was in a weird 'rebound' headspace.

One morning, I woke up in his bed. Sex wasn't really in question - we just weren't into each other, and we both knew it. So he got up, and went downstairs.

I realised my period had started - far worse than ever before in my life! It had soaked right through down to the mattress - this is not something that has ever happened to me before or since, it always starts very lightly.

So, I went downstairs to tell him. But he sits me down on the couch - "Eh ... I don't think this is working ... I'm breaking up with you."

Me: Oh grand, that's a relief, saves me the bother! Oh, by the way, before I go .... I think I need to put all your bedsheets in the wash.

Morto!!!

It was (and still is) the only time someone's broken up with me. I was just happy not to have to be the person to do it ... it's not fun!!

clairefontaine

I know you feel bad, but I think it's great that you put yourself out there and took a risk.

It would be great if more of us did this. I was certainly socialised that women did not do this, but I think if I were raised differently, where I took more risks, was able to put myself out there, it would have transferred into professional life too. Sometimes I wonder if dating protocols are what hold women back in life as they bring them into things outside of romance.

Even though you got shot down, you still took the gamble and the initiative and that counts for so much.

openup

I always feel really good about myself after I've worked up the courage to ask someone out or tell them I liked them even though I've been rejected every time. I'm just always so proud of myself!

Most of the time it's just been "I really like you, just not that way." Which is fine but once I asked this guy if he wanted to go for coffee. I thought it was obvious that it was a date 'cause we'd been flirting for ages (I thought, at least). Them over coffee he says "I've been meaning to ask you something but I'm a bit embarrassed... do you think [Friend] likes me?" :eek: Funny thing is that they're now going out!

LegacyUser

Well and truely shot down at this stage.

The stories are comforting though (although I wish it hadnt happened any one). At least I know am not on my own. I am proud of myself that I did it. Oh but the burn crashing :-) .

marialouise

I told a friend last year I liked him, I had been waiting aaaaaaaaaaaages to just spit it out, and after a few drinks one night I just did. I kinda knew he just wanted to stay friends but I just had to hear it from him and still wanted him to know, so I just made it really easy for him by saying something like that ("I know you will probably say yoou just want to stay friends but I thought you should know blah blah", something to that effect), and then he said something like wow thanks, yes we should be friends and he hoped he didn't lead me on or anything. It felt great just to say it and it is so hard to do, so well done!!!!! Soon you'll hopefully start to see him as just a friend and the feelings will fade and it'll all become easier with time!

edit: we're still good friends now

LegacyUser

I am glad to know that I am not the only person who has been shot down.

I was 20 when I meet A. From the 1st time I met him it was bang I wanted him.
We be came friends. I once wrote him a letter from abroad when I was working which he ignored. A while after coming back to Ireland I met him and he told me he got the letter but he was just to busy to write back to me. I walked out of his life that day.
I was glad I did as lets just say x number of years later he was not the man I though he was.

Dr Nic

Im a guy obviously so dont know how i ended up here!! Bored i think...
But dont worry about getting shot down, happens all the time.

Trick is to let him know that he can escape if he wants to, while you're doing it.
Like dont say 'i like you' to his face and then stand there looking at him like a puppy! Unless you're a 10 and hes mad for you...

Do it while you're passing and he thinks you might be leaving any second. Takes the instant pressure off him to 'perform' or say something funny when he doesnt even need to. Thats how guys think and it turns most of us into retards most of the time

Really simple way is to just hold his hand for a second in the pub if yere in a group conversation or something (obvi say something to him before hand, or laugh at his jokes or anything he says at all really). No-one will ever know, but he will. Might sound childish, and it is, but it worked on me and for me...

Good luck, sorry to hear this one didnt bite but theres plenty more fish etc... Hate that saying!

Dr Nic

Oh i see you're not looking for advice - my bad! Well done on giving it a lash anyway! Restores faith in humanity!!

Penny Dreadful

gettinshotdown wrote: »

Not looking for advice, sista solidarity maybe :-)

So, I put myself out there - told a guy whom Im friends with that I liked him (yesterday) - no relpy so I gather he has run for the hills. RUN RUN RUN.

Any ladies out there sympathise/stories/funny stories/ancedotes on being "shot down"?

Just really want a bit of company on this one, while I lick my wounds :-)

Ouch it hurts on the pride level doesn't it?
Years back when I was in college I was kinda seeing this guy and I was falling for him big time. I had no real idea where I stood and what "we" were, even if there was a "we".
So I talked to my big sis who said just tell him how you feel and at least you'll know one way or the other. She also told me to have tea and biscuits in supply if it didn't go well and wine in case it went horribly.
So I screwed up all of my courage and told him that I was really into him and would like this to have a chance at a future and where was his head on all of this. Would there be a "we" or would it always be just "him" and "me".
And then there was the silence and it seemed to go on and on and on and on. I wanted to vomit I was so mortified.
Anyhow I gave him a hug, said it had been great and I'd see him around.
Went home and had the wine.
Was hardest thing I'd done to date back then but it was an experience, I survived it, learned more about what I was able to do and moved on.
Lick your wounds OP, mind yourself and treat yourself to something nice - new nail polish, hand cream, wash and blow dry..... and move on cause you're great!

titan18

I'm a guy so hope ye don't mind me posting, but, ya, it sucks. Actually asked a girl out, and whilst I kinda knew she'd say no, still hurt, but was like hope we can still be friends, as we were.

About a week later and she deleted me as a friend off Facebook, so, got rejected even as a friend, which hurt far more.

First time I ever asked a girl out too, so hope it doesn't always end like that

Zombrex

titan18 wrote: »

I'm a guy so hope ye don't mind me posting, but, ya, it sucks. Actually asked a girl out, and whilst I kinda knew she'd say no, still hurt, but was like hope we can still be friends, as we were.

About a week later and she deleted me as a friend off Facebook, so, got rejected even as a friend, which hurt far more.

First time I ever asked a girl out too, so hope it doesn't always end like that

You are better off, she did you a favor. Being friends when one person likes the other doesn't work, as soon as she gets a boyfriend it is just a long series of mini-heartbreaks. Same goes for the girls, he gets a girlfriend and you being a "friend" have to sit there and like it. Doesn't work.

LegacyUser

I understand completely how u feel. here's a quick overview, i met this guy,saw each other for a while then e went crazy and stopped talking to me,roll on a year and he comes back to apologise for everything. we kinda mess around for a few months but i tell myself if i start having feelings end it or ill get hurt,so i did.we had a big fight,end of.then ear or so later he gets back in contact.he comes to mine and we talk for hours,he even cries.he has changed so much its quite bizarre!we get really close friend-wise and then as of 7months ago i realise i'm in love with him.i had to tell hm because it was eating me up so i plucked up the courage to.i knew id get shot down but i HAD TO and like you im proud of myself for doing so! he did shoot me down but in a nice way,we talked it all through and i asked for space to try and get over him.its been months and i've met up with him one,2 weeks ago, since and i do feel better about it all.we are trying to get our friendship back on the cards so not a bad result!
good on you for saying it,i know its a tough thing to do and i hope you feel better soon x

cantdecide

titan18 wrote: »

About a week later and she deleted me as a friend off Facebook, so, got rejected even as a friend, which hurt far more.

Zombrex wrote: »

You are better off, she did you a favor. Being friends when one person likes the other doesn't work, as soon as she gets a boyfriend it is just a long series of mini-heartbreaks.

I agree to a certain extent. It's one thing to have someone in your daily life such as a flatmate or an old friend you've been harbouring ongoing feelings for but it's another thing when you have someone outside your inner circle who you don't see every day (assuming one isn't being a bit stalkerish about the whole thing).

In that respect, I think she did the guy a favour by showing that she's a bit childish and precious, IMO. I've been on both sides of this and neither are particularly fun but it's far easier to be the object of such feelings and not compound things with low level hostility.

EDIT: to the ladies that take the bull by the horns; take a bow. The world would be a better place if there were more of you.

seenitall

Asked a guy to meet up for drinks, got turned down (2009).

Asked a guy when he will ask me out, he never did (2010).

Told a guy I'd like to see more of him, never saw him again (2011).

Asked a guy to come up to mine after a night out, he declined (2012).

Asked a guy to go to the cinema, got turned down (2012).

Asked a guy to go to the theatre, got turned down (2012, same guy as for the cinema, above). (We did kiss though.)

Asked a guy to meet up for drinks, got turned down (2012).

I seem to be giving it a rest for a bit now, last year was busy after all!

But really, the more you do it, the less you care. Quite liberating, although quite lonely as well.

clairefontaine

seenitall wrote: »

Asked a guy to meet up for drinks, got turned down (2009).

Asked a guy when he will ask me out, he never did (2010).

Told a guy I'd like to see more of him, never saw him again (2011).

Asked a guy to come up to mine after a night out, he declined (2012).

Asked a guy to go to the cinema, got turned down (2012).

Asked a guy to go to the theatre, got turned down (2012, same guy as for the cinema, above). (We did kiss though.)

Asked a guy to meet up for drinks, got turned down (2012).

I seem to be giving it a rest for a bit now, last year was busy after all!

But really, the more you do it, the less you care. Quite liberating, although quite lonely as well.

I came across a theory that said that the reason women dont get ahead the way men do in business is because of our dating protocols, that is we were reared to take more risks and put ourselves out there then we would get past obstacles.

But our dating social life rituals have gotten us acclimated to passivity and mores that hold us back. If women were more proactive and aggressive in dating they would be better rehearsed for business.

seenitall

Agreed.

For the equality to work, both parties to the social contract have to be agreeable as to the behaviour in question.

We won't get anywhere while men still feel that traits such as directness and assertiveness are undesirable in women.

Let alone while most women still feel that, either.

tbh

seenitall wrote: »

We won't get anywhere while men still feel that traits such as directness and assertiveness are undesirable in women..

Which men? I'm [technically] a man and I find those two traits in women the biggest turn on.

Op, sometimes you're the pigeon, sometimes you're the statue. I've been on both sides of the equation. If you ask a man out and he's not interested, that's that. If he wasnt really flattered you told him, and acts all embarrassed and awkward, consider it a lucky escape.

seenitall

tbh wrote: »

Which men? I'm [technically] a man and I find those two traits in women the biggest turn on.

Only technically? How interesting. Tell us more... :P

I was talking about the 'dating' culture in general, which also has wider implications for women's social behaviour (as in clairefontaine's post).

I am now sorry to have gone down the route of personal revelation with this, because I really don't want to give the impression of "Well, all these men only turned me down because they are clearly scared of/can't be attracted to an assertive woman" - in fact, I hope that wasn't the reason, however my own experience tells me that men approach and they seem to like (or at least have been conditioned to) approach; and yes, some of these men (not all) did present an awkward and 'stumped for words' front once they've been asked out or whatever (the phrase "deer in headlights" comes to mind). (Why would I think I've had a lucky escape from someone who is clearly out of their depth, though? I've had no more of a 'lucky escape' than from those who turned me down graciously.)

I suspect more equality between sexes as to initiating would also go some way toward curing the cause behind mens' constant complaint of the 'princess complex' in girls they meet. It's always much easier to disrespect/dismiss/judge someone whose shoes you know you'll never have to walk in.

tbh

seenitall wrote: »

(Why would I think I've had a lucky escape from someone who is clearly out of their depth, though? I've had no more of a 'lucky escape' than from those who turned me down graciously.)

I'm guessing if you knew the guy didn't have the emotional maturity and sophistication to handle being asked out with a bit of style you might not have been so attracted to him in the first place - that was the point I was reaching for. But I do take your point, which, like your wider point is an interesting one.

seenitall

Ah no, I don't feel like that at all. I mean, it's not like any of them laughed at me or rolled their eyes or ran away screaming! :pac:

I honestly don't mind (too much) having to witness someone's mere awkwardness when facing a situation that they don't seem to have been faced with before (judging by the reaction).

My point, though, was that it is all socially conditioned behaviour, and wouldn't it be good for both genders if guys were as used to girls initiating and were able to take it in their stride, as much as girls have to? More liberating all around.

However, I can't see it happening in this country for a long while yet, as the 'dating' behaviours, as well as pretty much anything to do with romance (just think the usual marriage proposal malarkey) still seem to be built around the traditional roles to a great degree, which means man takes the lead, woman must wait.

It is changing, of course, but very, very slowly...

beks101

Ick, it sucks OP. Sucks sucks sucks. But fair play to you for going for it with your friend. It could've gone either way for you and at least now you won't regret saying nothing and never knowing.

I've never directly asked a man out, but I've dropped all the not-so-subtle hints and I've been the first to express feelings in the past. Even at that, slightly terrifying.

I find that theory of the link between women & dating / women & career quite interesting, as I'd never really put the two together. I'm quite confident in the workplace, not afraid to ask for what I want, seek out promotion, be a bit cheeky and direct about my ambition to move forward. But put me in front of an attractive man with the task of asking him out and I'm a shriveling wreck. I just couldn't do it, not without all the blatant, neon-sign type signals that he's into me.

With work...well, it's work. Nothing more nothing less. I'm beyond the point in my life where I take it personally; it's just business. But with men...it is personal. You're putting the most vulnerable, fragile part of yourself out there and asking, "do you feel the same?"

I think my greater fear in doing so is not necessarily the fear of blatant rejection, an outright "No"; rather the fear that he'll say yes, go along with it for the novelty of not being in the driver's seat for a change. Because there's a nice attractive girl standing in front of him and he might not necessarily have picked me out of a crowd, but he'll go for it anyway, sure why not. I dealt with this sort of thing recently where my forwardness led to a half hearted relationship until he met someone he was *really* into and then he did all the approaching, wooing, asking out etc.

I think as a woman, giving the social conditioning that goes on around this, it's hard to not think, "if he's into me, he'll approach. If he's not, he won't". That's what all the dating books, websites, movies tell us. Although it does make me wonder, given how forward and plain speaking and open I am in almost all other areas of my life, if being the passive party is me going against my true nature when it comes to the approaching part of the dating scene.