Getting engagaed/proposing

eh i dunno

Well lads/lassies can anyone give advice on popping the question. Few things first. I have a rough idea of the ring she would like but not 100% sure. So a few questions.

Should I take on a chance on the ring when 90% sure i know what she wants or should I consult her younger sister who she has apparently prepped? I have a feeling the sister would end up telling a few people but then i don't want to get the wrong ring either.

Is it still the done thing to ask for her fathers permission?

And a question for the ladies. Should I propose at home where it wouldn't be expected or go away for the weekend/night somewhere?

All opinions welcome and other peoples stories on popping the question

LegacyUser

i propoesed to my now wife ,when we were finished tiling the back splash really came out of left field, got cheap ring to do the deed and let herself pick her rock. everyone to there own, best of luck ,

sentient_6

U could propose with a token ring, a descent ring but not diamonds & go shopping for something she wants after, if she says yes of course.

With regards 'permission' from her father. What i did was tell both her parents, together, my intentions, as opposed to asking permission. if your sorted you'll get blessings & everyone is happy.

awec

Moved from the gents club

annfield1978

token ring is definitely the way to go

CaraMay

How is this an 'issue'?

Congrats op

Toast4532

Don't get her an expensive ring until after you are engaged, then she can choose her own ring. Get a token ring you think she'll like and use that to propose.

As for permission..........your girlfriends permission is the only permission you need. Anyone else's permission is pointless.

Good luck

highly1111

I'll give you my advice in order of your questions!!

Hubby proposed with a 'token' ring. It was a sapphire which is my birthstone. It was perfect. We then went shopping for my engagement ring. If you're worries the sis will yap, say nothing

Hubby asked my dad's 'permission' he didn't have to - but I like the fact he did and my dad was seriously impressed. I know it could be viewed as old school but I think there's no harm in it.

Finally hubby proposed at home - in the kitchen!! I had no idea and it was absolutely perfect. We were together a long time and couldn't do anything without people saying - oh you'll be back with a ring - so it was a total surprise to EVERYBODY (except ny dad!)

movingsucks

I don't see the point of a "token" ring personally, sorry.
So now you need two rings to get engaged? And another to get married ?
My husband picked the ring himself and it was more special to me because he chose it. That's just me though.
He didn't ask my dad permission but my dad gave him a slagging for not doing it.


If I were you I'd ask the sister, remind her that its confidential. My (now) mother in law thought we were going ring shopping together and spilled the beans the day before to me.


You can always tell your fiancé she can exchange it if she really dislikes it.

eh i dunno

Thanks for all the advice folks. As you can understand its not something I can really discuss with anyone. Really debating asking her sister. The ring she has suggested has to be specially made so doubt I could return it. The idea of a second ring seems pointless to me. Is that the norm

LegacyUser

She might be annoyed if her sister knew before her!
I wouldn't bother with the token ring either - propose and then take her to pick one she really likes.

Cerulean Chicken

It depends on the person and her relationship with her dad whether or not you should ask him. If my fiance asked my Dad I'd have wondered if he knew me at all, whereas for others it's a must.

kbell

Got engaged Xmas day 2003.
Bought herself a "happy xmas to my fiancée" card and had the ring inside on a ribbon.

beertons

A token ring would cost no more than 20 or 30 euro. It's the way many a man goes these days. Don't tell the sister either. Let the woman tell you what she wants after.

mr_edge_to_you

Let her pick her own ring is my advice. Make a day or weekend of it.

Asking her father?? I regret not asking my (now) wife's father. Didn't think it was the done thing these days - I was very wrong. It's never been an issue and I can't change the past but in hindsight I wish I did ask.

Stavro Mueller

My brother proposed to his now wife without a ring in sight. First anyone in the family knew about it was when they went off several days later and got the ring sorted. Just to throw another one into the mix

There is no norm as such. Do what you feel is right for you. Like the others though, I advise against getting the ring first. Let her choose. Make an occasion out of it.

LegacyUser

My fella didn't even so much as hint to my parents, and tbh my Dad was pretty put out by it. I didn't care too much though, it passed over pretty quickly. My guy is very modern and it just wouldn't have been "him" to ask permission or run it by my Dad to see if it was alright, and I respect that. (Also, my Dad could well have told him to wait, even though we were in our thirties - he can be a bit odd like that. Possessive of his daughters.)

So if you get on well with the Dad, and you know he'll be all for it (and you feel odd going ahead without it).....well, Dads like to be told.

Re: the ring. My fella proposed without a ring and did I mind? Did I feck! It was on holiday and I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe it - we were just hanging out and it came out of the blue! No hints, nothing. Best suprise I've ever got.

Whereas my friend knew it was coming. He was the most unromantic man ever, but one Saturday he huffed "Lets go for a picnic" and she was all WTF?? Then she saw him putting champagne and flowers into the car. On the way to the beach he was all quiet and tense, and she was desperately trying to make light conversation and pretend she hadn't a clue. By the time they were eating this picnic, the tension was like a knife! She confessed she'd rather it been more casual, as she felt he had found it hard, and it sucked some of the fun out of it. Of course after she said yes the tension left, and he was finally able to relax.

So yeah, doesn't matter when you do it, but do it when she least expects it!

eh i dunno

Thanks for all the advice so far folks..much appreciated. I made contact with a jeweller last week about getting a ring made up and have a rough price etc but something the OH said over the weekend about a ring has me now doubting what kind of ring to get.

So im left with 2 options.
Ask the prepped sister for all the ring details and order the ring or propose with no ring(or a dummy ring) and bring the OH straight to the jewellers.

I know im probably stressing over nothing but just want to do it right.

eviltwin

You could ask without the ring.

Don't over think it. There is no right or wrong with a proposal. Its all about what works for you. So don't sweat it. Its not like she's going to say no because you don't have a ring on the day or don't ask in the right place etc.

pooch90

To be honest, I would make an appointment with the jeweller (can't recommend Voltaire Diamonds enough) for day after you plan to propose (or day of if you'd prefer).
Get a token ring in Claires accessories/argos/dunnes and propose with that.

The ring your GF thinks she wants may not suit her in reality. I know the ones I thought I wanted were a lot more basic than the one I got (couldn't resist a bit more sparkle!).

RE her dad, you know them best so you'll have to guage that one yourself.
I would have liked if OH asked my dad but he had passed away at the time. I knew my dad approved of my OH so that was nice.
I'd ask to be honest, but only if I was sure he'd say yes.

Oh and my OH proposed to me in our sitting room while I was covered in sweat after doing an exercise DVD and eating dinner on the couch looking horrific!

amdublin

:mad:

I like the idea of a token ring but do NOT spend over 20 euro on it. You can get rings in oasis/marks and spencers, even Penneys, that look like diamond rings.


I see people buying €150 "token" rings in Fields etc and I'm like what the heck that could be 5-10% of your actual engagement ring budget!!!

IMO the purpose of the token ring is so that you have a symbol on the day you propose. It is not so your oh gets two rings - hawt damn they'll be getting a diamond ring! Who needs another ring to go with that?!!!!

:mad:
Rant over

Ps. Hell it can even be a plastic fun ring from Claires Accessories - it is just a symbol

ABajaninCork

I don't see the point of a token ring. It's not the norm where I'm from (London) and it's a waste of money IMO.

My husband proposed to me in Portugal. No, we didn't have a ring. All we did was go shopping for one in Hatton Garden when we got back.

We phoned his parents in Cork on our return. Told my family in person. He didn't ask my father's permission, but asked for his blessing, which my father was very glad to give and very impressed by the fact my husband asked for his blessing!

amdublin

Ps. If you do buy a token ring that looks engagementy ring type (dunes/oasis etc) make sure the fake diamond is in line with the size of real diamond in your budget!! Otherwise could lead to some disappointment/awkward conversation!

krazyklown

I proposed last year - got a token ring - trying to get the right size was a nightmare and as it turned out it was too big, but as it was a token ring it didnt matter - although shes actually attached to it now!
We were on holidays in NY so the day after we went and got the real thing - it was really nice to share that experience and i think it made it a little more special (getting the real one together).

When i was getting the token ring the jeweller said that if i came back to them to get the proper ring, they would take back the token ring. Although i dont think it would have felt right taking it back off herself.

I deffo wouldnt tell the sister - if she doesnt tell your girlfriend, she will almost certainly say it to someone else (in confidence but still).

I didnt ask her father for his permission - hes a nice guy and i get on well with him and that but in my mind he isnt involved enough in his daughters life to deserve that IMO. That may not be the case with the OP, if you feel its something you should do, then prehaps you should.

Best of luck - practise what you want to say out loud - look forward to it as well - its a beautiful moment you and her will share forever. Good Luck!

eh i dunno

With regards asking her father should it be done in person or would a phone call suffice?

ABajaninCork

eh i dunno wrote: »

With regards asking her father should it be done in person or would a phone call suffice?

NOOOOO!!! Ask him in person. It's polite and much nicer that way.

amdublin

eh i dunno wrote: »

With regards asking her father should it be done in person or would a phone call suffice?

Depends on where they live, if it's normal you call etc.

Don't put yourself under too much pressure with the formalities dude! Everyone will be so happy when they hear that things like this fade in importance.

pooch90

The token ring my OH got me was over €100, definitely passed as the real thing. It was gas to hear all the gasps and "Wow, it's gorgeous" fakery from some of my workmates before I told them it wasn't the real ring.


As we were getting the real one made with Voltaire, it was a few weeks before I had the real one so I loved having something on my finger when we told people we were engaged.
I got the token one resized then.
I can wear it on my other hand but at the minute I have it on my key ring.

stop animal cruelty

highly1111 wrote: »

I'll give you my advice in order of your questions!!

Hubby proposed with a 'token' ring. It was a sapphire which is my birthstone. It was perfect. We then went shopping for my engagement ring. If you're worries the sis will yap, say nothing

Hubby asked my dad's 'permission' he didn't have to - but I like the fact he did and my dad was seriously impressed. I know it could be viewed as old school but I think there's no harm in it.

Finally hubby proposed at home - in the kitchen!! I had no idea and it was absolutely perfect. We were together a long time and couldn't do anything without people saying - oh you'll be back with a ring - so it was a total surprise to EVERYBODY (except ny dad!)

I think you should do all the above ^^

ps. don't tell the sister more than likely she will tell or let it slip!

Hope she says yes good luck!

stop animal cruelty

eh i dunno wrote: »

With regards asking her father should it be done in person or would a phone call suffice?

person unless he lives in a different country!

Voltaire Diamonds: Seamus

Many thanks for mentioning Voltaire Diamonds Pooch90,

Toast4532

Personally I would he disgusted if my bf asked my dad for 'permission' to marry me. What use is my fathers permission if I say no?

I never have and never will understand why some fathers want/expect future son-in-law's to ask for permission. It is ridiculous. I'd hate it if someone knew else knew before me that my bf was going to propose.

I'd also like to choose my own ring, so I'd like it if either my fiancee proposed without a ring or with a token ring.

I'm fussy when it comes to jewellery and even more fussy when I know it's something I'll be wearing every day for the rest of my life.

I have no doubt my father would love if my bf asked for his permission, but I hate it, and considering my father wasn't a part of my life until I was 19, he has little right to give his permission for my hand in marriage to anyone.

Being honest, it'd probably tar the occasion for me if my bf asked anyone's permission, I'd really hate it if anyone knew before me.

OP, be very sure of your girlfriend's wishes and preferences before you start thinking about asking the dad. Some women love it, some would kill you and wonder did you have any respect for her at all.

old hippy

After dating and living together for a billion years or so, we finally decided to get spliced and live even more happily ever after. Bought cheap rings in Argos and got married in Japan.

Didn't ask anyone's permission (her father passed away some years ago) but everyone was cool with it. Why wouldn't they be?

Best of luck.

eh i dunno

Never expected so much feedback so thanks all. One thing I should mention is my job is moving overseas next month so I will be made redunadant and I don't want to propose while unemployed(Have plenty of money for the ring but for me I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing i will soon be out of work when proposing).

So from the feedback here i will ask her fathers approval and I think i will propose with no ring but have an appointment made for that day to go to the jeweller who I already have made contact with.

okiss

I would not ask her father - can I marry ///.
If I was going out with someone I would not like them to do this.
Her father will tell her mother and the mother will keep looking for a ring or tell someone in the family.
Your oh would not to be to happy to hear that you are going to propose from someone else and then she will be wondering when will he do this/ why has he not done this yet.

Also I would not ask her to marry you until you have another job.
I know you have told us you have the money but you could need this later if your not working for a while.
I would agree with the other posts here that I would buy a ring with her.
Several people I know said I want this type of ring but ended up buying a different ring.

ABajaninCork

Very true. I always wanted a princess cut diamond. But when I tried one on, it just didn't look nice on my hand. Ended up with an emerald-cut centre diamond with two baguettes on the shoulders. Looked much nicer.

Irishmale

i proposed with a token ring. I got the token from Natasha Sherling. thats where i got the real ring after too. It was just a little one but made from all gold so it looked the part on the day. She took the price of the token off the price of the actual engagement ring that we decided upon. i sawher in the IT on saturday, she had some new stuff for sale too. Cant recommend her enough. i got in touch at www.natashasherling.ie

blindside88

I picked the ring myself before proposing but I knew the kind of style she'd want. As regards asking the fathers permission, I did and would like to think if I had a daughter that I would be asked. It's all down to personal preference really. If your worried her sister will spill the beans and your unsure of the ring I'd propose with no ring and have her go with you. Best of luck in what ever you decide

eviltwin

I would have hated it if my husband has asked my dad's permission. I think its sexist and outdated. For me, our decision to marry was a private one between us only, it had nothing to do with anyone else. Of course some women love the whole idea and it might make it for her but be sure you know for sure.

Neyite

Asking for the fathers blessing - nice nod to the old traditions.
Asking for the fathers permission - I'd hate that - I'm not a possession.

OKvintage

My cousin went with my sister to buy a proposal ring and it went down a treat then took his fiance out ring shopping - lovely! I know of 2 guys who bought rings themselves - one brought her sister with him, girl LOVED the ring (sister prepped), one went himself, girl said yes, then changed the ring later!!! My future hubby didnt ask my Dad, bought me a ring I'd pointed out to him a year before on a random day in town, I'm happy as Larry!! (my brother in law asked my dad on the golf course and totally messed up the rest of Dad's round - even though he was DELIGHTED to be asked!! My dad's an emotional man!!). OK my point is it depends on your (hopefully) fiance and what she's into - so Im pretty relaxed about jewellery and stuff, its a HUGE deal to my sister and while my dad always said he never wanted any man to think he could ask HIM for his permission to marry one of his daughters, he was actually quite chuffed when my bro-in-law did. I think go with your gut - you want to marry the girl, you really cant go wrong in my eyes! (but if she likes jewellery, let her pick her own ring)

Gatica

As many others, would recommend proposing without the real ring. Think you're going with that anyway. It's very thoughtful to have an appointment at jewellers for after.
Prepping the sister does not mean the ring will suit her or be the right size. My engagement/wedding rings are 2 sizes smaller than I thought it should be, and they still have room to twist. Rings I thought were beautiful in the window looked completely different on.
My OH got me a necklace when he proposed (something I pointed out previous xmas). He got me matching earrings and bracelet then on the day of our wedding. It was such a surprise and makes the best set of jewellery for me now. Sentimental value for both engagement and wedding.

okiss wrote: »

Also I would not ask her to marry you until you have another job.

I don't agree with this. If they're in love, there's nothing stopping them from getting engaged or married even without having a load of money. Plenty of people here have done weddings on a budget or waited to tie the knot. It shouldn't determine when you get engaged. Often it becomes about security and money and not about being committed to the person you love, that is a shame.

eh i dunno

Well last night over a few glasses of wine she showed me the actual ring she would like. So now I feel I can go ahead and order it. Getting her ring size is my next problem. Would a local jeweller measure a ring for me as she would notice if a ring was missing if I brought it to the jeweller I am buying the ring from which is in a different county?

pooch90

Gatica wrote: »

As many others, would recommend proposing without the real ring. Think you're going with that anyway. It's very thoughtful to have an appointment at jewellers for after.
Prepping the sister does not mean the ring will suit her or be the right size. My engagement/wedding rings are 2 sizes smaller than I thought it should be, and they still have room to twist. Rings I thought were beautiful in the window looked completely different on.
My OH got me a necklace when he proposed (something I pointed out previous xmas). He got me matching earrings and bracelet then on the day of our wedding. It was such a surprise and makes the best set of jewellery for me now. Sentimental value for both engagement and wedding.

That is a lovely idea with the necklace etc.

I really think you should buy the ring together OP as the style she likes may not suit, the sizing can be unpredictable. Mine came in a good few sizes smaller than expected.
It's also a lovely experience that I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on.

Chances are she knows you're going to propose if she has told you the one she likes. I always thought I wanted something nice and simple but the diamonds swayed me.

ck83

I think if your OH has told you what type of ring she wants, she'd prefer you to go and buy it and surprise her with it. Others may be right, and she may change her mind after, but that's a chance you may as well take... She obviously trusts you to pick out the right sparkler!!

MrsB2be

My OH picked my ring, and got I got exactly what i wanted, we had spoke about it generally so he had an idea of what I liked.

He did ask my dad's permission, but my dad thought he was winding him up and was as surprised as me the following week when he proposed!

We had just moved into our new house and were taking my parents out for a meal to say thanks for their help (painting etc). I came downstairs ready to go to see a trail of candles into the sitting room, I followed them in and he was on one knee, surrounded by candles with the ring in his hand

I always thought I would want a grand gesture but it was perfect

Slattsy

Im in the same boat as the OP (at some point this year) and I will def be asking for her Father's blessing/permission.

Its very traditional and a nice touch if you ask me. From my experience all my friends did it, my Father did it, and im pretty sure her Father did it and so on and so on. Cant see how any woman would have an issue. Although of course there are 'those' types out there but you'll always have some that find issue with everything.
But you know your gf best..... DO IT

Re a token ring, its nice to have for the actual proposal, it kinda seals the deal a bit doesnt it.

All the best buddy

eh i dunno

Slattsy wrote: »

Im in the same boat as the OP (at some point this year) and I will def be asking for her Father's blessing/permission.

Its very traditional and a nice touch if you ask me. From my experience all my friends did it, my Father did it, and im pretty sure her Father did it and so on and so on. Cant see how any woman would have an issue. Although of course there are 'those' types out there but you'll always have some that find issue with everything.
But you know your gf best..... DO IT

Re a token ring, its nice to have for the actual proposal, it kinda seals the deal a bit doesnt it.

All the best buddy

good luck with it Slattsy. I'll be glad when its done.

Can anyone tell me will any jeweller measure one of her rings. I can't risk taking her ring too far or she'll know what I'm at

ABajaninCork

eh i dunno wrote: »

good luck with it Slattsy. I'll be glad when its done.

Can anyone tell me will any jeweller measure one of her rings. I can't risk taking her ring too far or she'll know what I'm at

Yes, they can. They should also be able to re-size if necessary.

Slattsy

Slattsy wrote: »

Cant see how any woman would have an issue. Although of course there are 'those' types out there but you'll always have some that find issue with everything.

Charming. Having a personal preference makes us "those" types does it?

If your girlfriend appreciates it, great. Others wouldn't and that's why it's important for OP to know which his girlfriend would prefer. Not "I like it so I don't see how anyone could possibly think differently"