Bisexual girl in straight LTR

Both Teams Dublin · 17-03-2013 1:52pm #1

Hello all,

I am a bisexual girl in a straight long-term relationship and am currently finding it very difficult to suppress a whole integral half of my sexuality. My partner knows that I'm bisexual and that I've had same sex relationships in the past but we are in a committed monogamous relationship and the idea of me having permission to pursue something with a woman is not considered any different to cheating on him with another man. While I accept and respect this, my desire to be with a woman has reached the point where I obsess about it constantly and am beginning to resent its enforced absence in my life. I have cheated on previous boyfriends with women (never with men) but really don't want to do this again. I realise that the obvious answer to some people might be to invite a girl into a threesome that both my boyfriend and I could enjoy but, having had MFF threesomes before, I know the dynamics of those experiences are very different to FF encounters. I also feel that expecting another girl to be relegated to the role of mutual, convenient plaything is somewhat insulting.

Anyway, I would greatly appreciate any advice as to how I might try to either manage these feelings or this situation.

Many thanks.

GRMA · 17-03-2013 1:55pm

Do your boyfriend a favour and break up with him if you can't hack it - as it seems you can't.

ashers222 · 17-03-2013 1:57pm

Are you happy with you BF? Sexuality aside, if you are looking for satisfaction outside your relationship maybe it's because of other things. Either work on it or take a break for a while? Only advice I can offer really.

Tasden · 17-03-2013 2:00pm

GRMA wrote: »

Do your boyfriend a favour and break up with him if you can't hack it - as it seems you can't.

Yeah tbh I wouldn't think sexuality is important here- you have a desire to be with someone other than your parrner- male/female doesn't really matter, leave your partner if you feel this way.

smcgiff · 17-03-2013 2:04pm

Pretty much everybody in a relationship will feel attracted to others outside their steady relationship. You need to decide if being in your current relationship outweighs the lack of freedom.

Both Teams Dublin · 17-03-2013 2:06pm

Are any of the posters who replied bisexual? It really is not simply a case of generally seeking satisfaction outside of the relationship. I am very very much in love with my boyfriend.

ashers222 · 17-03-2013 2:10pm

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

Are any of the posters who replied bisexual? It really is not simply a case of generally seeking satisfaction outside of the relationship. I am very very much in love with my boyfriend.

no but I've been with plenty of bi girls. Would never be anything more than something to satiate their desire momentarily. Always wanting to have their cake and eat it. It's just selfish tbh.

smcgiff · 17-03-2013 2:11pm

I imagine all posters are sexual.

Both Teams Dublin · 17-03-2013 2:15pm

ashers222 wrote: »

no but I've been with plenty of bi girls. Would never be anything more than something to satiate their desire momentarily. Always wanting to have their cake and eat it. It's just selfish tbh.

I'm sorry...bisexuality is "selfish"?

Does anyone have anything constructive to say to try and help me with this situation, or can I expect all of the replies to be critical of the difficult and compex feelings that I am having? I am a real person -- please reply with some humanity.

Ilik Urgee · 17-03-2013 2:15pm

Has your OH known from the off of your bisexuality?

ashers222 · 17-03-2013 2:16pm

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

I'm sorry...bisexuality is "selfish"?

Does anyone have anything constructive to say to try and help me with this situation, or can I expect all of the replies to be critical of the difficult and compex feelings that I am having? I am a real person -- please reply with some humanity.

no, wanting both at the same time is. I was always of the opinion bisexual meant you were attracted to both sexes, any bi girl I've met seems to think it means wanting and having both at the same time. You're in a relationship.

smcgiff · 17-03-2013 2:19pm

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

I'm sorry...bisexuality is "selfish"?

Does anyone have anything constructive to say to try and help me with this situation, or can I expect all of the replies to be critical of the difficult and compex feelings that I am having? I am a real person -- please reply with some humanity.

Can't believe someone came out with the bi-sexual is selfish rubbish. I'm going to leave it there. Good luck.

Tasden · 17-03-2013 2:19pm

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

I'm sorry...bisexuality is "selfish"?

Does anyone have anything constructive to say to try and help me with this situation, or can I expect all of the replies to be critical of the difficult and compex feelings that I am having? I am a real person -- please reply with some humanity.

As is your partner. If you want to be with a woman thats your choice but you need to leave your partner first. Otherwise its just something you have to let pass. Wanting to be in a relationship with someone but also be with someone else is IMO selfish. Nothing to do with bisexuality.
What has been said is constructive. Leave your partner and be with a woman if its somthing you want to do.

GRMA · 17-03-2013 2:19pm

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

Are any of the posters who replied bisexual? It really is not simply a case of generally seeking satisfaction outside of the relationship. I am very very much in love with my boyfriend.

Your sexuality doesn't matter in this case. What do you expect, some sort of a by or an excuse to sleep with someone else because you are bi?

EVERYONE at one time or another resents to some degree the lack of sexual freedom in a relationship - maybe you are not cut out for a monogamous relationship. You go on as if it is an inevitability that you will cheat "I don't want to do that this time" and go on to suggest a threesome as a way to prevent that.

Get real.

This is very simple, if you can't hack being in a committed relationship with your boyfriend then don't be, end it - its not fair on him if you don't think you will be able to "cope" with it and might end up cheating on him down the line as you have on other boyfriends, ("only with women", what difference does that make!?) or end up resenting him.

Commit to a monogamous relationship or end it - sin é.

ashers222 · 17-03-2013 2:20pm

smcgiff wrote: »

Can't believe someone came out with the bi-sexual is selfish rubbish. I'm going to leave it there. Good luck.

o eat me. Being in a relationship and wanting to be with someone else regardless of sexuality is just selfish and using the excuse it's because of your needs as a bisexual is rubbish.

jaffacakesyum · 17-03-2013 2:20pm

Bisexual female here. I don't think there's much advice people can give you. The options are you and your partner agree to have an open relationship where you can sleep with other women (already said that's not an option for you two) or have a three some (not an option either) or you take a break from your relationship to pursue your interests in women.

Those are the only options I'm afraid. I don't doubt that you love your boyfriend very much but you have to make the decision as to whether you love him enough not to be with women or do you need that sexual freedom?

I completely understand about the pursuing other women while in a relationship. I know some men have no problem with their girlfriend sleeping with other women without them, yet if they were to do that with men it would be cheating?! It's stupid in my opinion. Either you're allowed to kiss/sleep with other people full stop or you're not.

Both Teams Dublin · 17-03-2013 2:22pm

smcgiff wrote: »

I imagine all posters are sexual.

Being hetrosexual or homosexual involves attraction to a single sex. My problem is specifically linked to the fact that I am equally attracted to both. A hetro/homosexual's desire to pursue something outside of a relationship might imply dissatisfaction with their partner. If I were desiring something with another male it might imply dissatisfaction with my partner. But I am experiencing a desire to be with a female - not even a specific female - so it is directly related to my bisexuality rather than a general desire to be with someone other than my partner. Bisexuality is very difficult and this issue is something that I think other bisexuals would have particular insight into.

smcgiff · 17-03-2013 2:22pm

ashers222 wrote: »

o eat me. Being in a relationship and wanting to be with someone else regardless of sexuality is just selfish and using the excuse it's because of your needs as a bisexual is rubbish.

The being bi is selfish is a dumb cliche

jaffacakesyum · 17-03-2013 2:24pm

ashers222 wrote: »

no, wanting both at the same time is. I was always of the opinion bisexual meant you were attracted to both sexes, any bi girl I've met seems to think it means wanting and having both at the same time. You're in a relationship.

Seems you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about bisexuals there :rolleyes:

OP, other posters are being harsh here; I do understand your predicament but really as I've said, there's no solutions. Either you're committed to your boyfriend or not. It's not an easy decision to make I know.

ashers222 · 17-03-2013 2:24pm

smcgiff wrote: »

The being bi is selfish is a dumb cliche

well maybe you should stop taking what I said out of context ad propagating it. I said wanting both at the same time is.

Tasden · 17-03-2013 2:25pm

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

Being hetrosexual or homosexual involves attraction to a single sex. My problem is specifically linked to the fact that I am equally attracted to both. A hetro/homosexual's desire to pursue something outside of a relationship might imply dissatisfaction with their partner. If I were desiring something with another male it might imply dissatisfaction with my partner. But I am experiencing a desire to be with a female - not even a specific female - so it is directly related to my bisexuality rather than a general desire to be with someone other than my partner. Bisexuality is very difficult and this issue is something that I think other bisexuals would have particular insight into.

When I'm in a relationship with someone I am faithful to that person- male or female. If I felt that I wanted to be with someone else I would end it out of respect for that person. Its very simple.

smcgiff · 17-03-2013 2:27pm

While you're not able to fully explore your sexual preferences with a man is somewhat different i grant you. But the relationship element remains.

If I was in a relationship with a woman that didn't like S&M should I be allowed to seek this desire elsewhere?

ashers222 · 17-03-2013 2:27pm

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

Seems you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about bisexuals there :rolleyes:

OP, other posters are being harsh here; I do understand your predicament but really as I've said, there's no solutions. Either you're committed to your boyfriend or not. It's not an easy decision to make I know.

ahh ffs. Grand.

Ilik Urgee · 17-03-2013 2:28pm

ashers222 wrote: »

well maybe you should stop taking what I said out of context ad propagating it. I said wanting both at the same time is.

I don't think so,but hey, that's me.

ashers222 · 17-03-2013 2:29pm

Ilik Urgee wrote: »

I don't think so,but hey, that's me.

maybe it feels that way to the other people involved, particularly if they are in a committed relationship.

Both Teams Dublin · 17-03-2013 2:29pm

GRMA wrote: »

Your sexuality doesn't matter in this case. What do you expect, some sort of a by or an excuse to sleep with someone else because you are bi?

EVERYONE at one time or another resents to some degree the lack of sexual freedom in a relationship - maybe you are not cut out for a monogamous relationship. You go on as if it is an inevitability that you will cheat "I don't want to do that this time" and go on to suggest a threesome as a way to prevent that.

Get real.

This is very simple, if you can't hack being in a committed relationship with your boyfriend then don't be, end it - its not fair on him if you don't think you will be able to "cope" with it and might end up cheating on him down the line as you have on other boyfriends, ("only with women", what difference does that make!?) or end up resenting him.

Commit to a monogamous relationship or end it - sin é.

Regarding cheating, I didn't say "I don't want to do that this time", I said "I don't want to do that again". I want to find a way to manage my bisexual feelings when I'm in a relationship. That's what my post was about. I have said that I AM committed to my monogamous relationship but am having difficulty with these feelings. Your response acts as though I am guilty of something, rather than trying to responsibly manage the situation. Why is everyone here being so agressive and accusatory? I asked for help.

smcgiff · 17-03-2013 2:30pm

ashers222 wrote: »

well maybe you should stop taking what I said out of context ad propagating it. I said wanting both at the same time is.

You'll need to be more articulate in future as that's not how it came across.

ashers222 · 17-03-2013 2:31pm

smcgiff wrote: »

You'll need to be more articulate in future as that's not how it came across.

You'll need to read more carefully in future then as I made it very clear. There's a bit of a distinction between polyamory and bisexuality OP, maybe you should look into it as it seems something you might be more suited to.

Both Teams Dublin · 17-03-2013 2:31pm

Ilik Urgee wrote: »

Has your OH known from the off of your bisexuality?

Yes, I have been entirely open with him from the beginning. He also knows that I had a same-sex affair during a previous relationship.

GRMA · 17-03-2013 2:35pm

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

Regarding cheating, I didn't say "I don't want to do that this time", I said "I don't want to do that again". I want to find a way to manage my bisexual feelings when I'm in a relationship. That's what my post was about. I have said that I AM committed to my monogamous relationship but am having difficulty with these feelings. Your response acts as though I am guilty of something, rather than trying to responsibly manage the situation. Why is everyone here being so agressive and accusatory? I asked for help.

You've been given advise. It mightn't be the advice you want, but it is what it is.

Look, it's one or the other, either you stay in a committed monogamous relationship with the person you love, or you break up with him if you want sexiual relations outside the relationship that much. It's that simple.

smcgiff · 17-03-2013 2:35pm

Just added someone to my ignore list for the first time ever

Bisexual girl in straight LTR

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