Falling Behind in Life/Feel like a Failure

LegacyUser

Hi all. Regular on boards but going anonymous on this one.

I'm just after finding out that a relative of mine who is young and has a beautiful home, a successful business, has recently gotten married and has now announced she is pregnant. Now I'm male. I'm five years older than her and don't have anything to my name.

I have a good job. That's about it. Since being in a very bad break up four years ago I put on about seven stone so look like a blob. Although I'm trying to get myself back into shape so that I can go back out into the world of relationships I feel like such a failure in my 30s when compared to my cousin who's in her mid 20s.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy for her and wish her the best. I just wish I could be more like her husband, who is my age, and is very happy and successful himself.

Where did I go wrong? I'm on meds for depression which, again, stems from that bad break up. I just feel that the world is closing up around me.

More often than not too I've spotted very pretty girls and immediately then spot that they're mothers themselves. I feel like I'm never going to meet 'the one' as they'll all be gone.

I didn't post this into relationship issues as it's not really about looking for a partner - it's more about my self esteem being low as I feel I'm a failure when it comes to everything else.

Thank you for reading this ramble and would like to hear suggestions and opinions.

Falling Behind

username123

Its all about perspective. You detail your relatives life and besides the fact that she is young, I think - URGH what a horrible life in your 20s!!!

I had nothing but fun in my 20s, being married and pregnant would have been the worst possible thing, totally fuddy duddy and a complete downer on having any fun. Who wants responsibilities like a mortgage and a baby at that age????

See - different perspectives. In my view you have a much better life, especially if you are not tied to a mortgage right now when the economic situation is so bad. You are free to do whatever you like in life. Whether or not you exercise that freedom is another matter, but certainly the world is open to you in a way that it is not open to someone tied down with a marriage, a mortgage and a baby. As a man, you dont have a biological clock to worry about either so you are in an even luckier position.

I guess its mostly about how you want to see it. Or how you are able to see it. You have the means to change whatever it is about your life that you want, but you have to choose to do it.

!Nicky!

Long story short, felt like that myself at one stage. Looking around at people who were 4-5 years younger than me and finished college and were off getting jobs, travelling, getting married, doing some things i wish i could have.

Put me into a bit of a failure headspace for a while.
Thought i was never gonna be able to 'Catch Up'

Decided that I was going to leave the country.
Once I left and came here to Australia,I saw just how many more people here were like that.
People just taking their time and not worrying about what other people were up to or pressures maybe you pick up from your family or friends,not even intentionally but by the way of looking at them and feeling, like you say, left behind.

I took it easy for pretty much another year, not worrying about my age or what job i 'had' to get or where i was going to live or what my friends were doing.

Now I have a great job, met a beautiful girl along the way who i get along really well with. Stay in a nice place and have a new circle of friends who that i really like.

Kind of what i'm saying is that,when i let the pressure get to me it only felt like it was getting worse. When I decided to let it go and just embrace what was going on in the 'now' (as cliche as it might sound), it made me feel better, relax and allowed me to get into new exciting situations and do things which i may have never done before or not got as into them as i would've as i was worried that it wouldn't be the right thing or what might happen.

You don't have to travel overseas or anything to do this,doing it at home is just as easy.
As for meeting 'the one' don't worry about it not happening just try to see what happens. If it took 100 failed relationships to get to 'the one' you'll be all the more thankful for it.It may only take 1,just dont anticipate that it might not happen, it might happen.

Nymeria

Hi OP, I remember that feeling - a few years ago I was in my mid twenties and felt like I was a complete failure compared to everyone around me. I had dropped out of college and was unemployed and just felt crap. And its easy to look at others and think they are doing so much better. But really, you have so much going for you if you just change your perspective on things, like Username123 said. You have the time (30's is still young), and the freedom (no mortgage or kids) to make whatever choices you want about your future.

I think that you are looking at your cousins life from the outside in and making presumptions, which can sometimes be very different from reality. I'm not saying that she and her husband are not happy, they probably are - but that doesn't mean that they don't have their own set of problems to deal with. Every choice comes with risks and benefits, and you never know, maybe they are looking at your freedom wistfully.

We are also exposed to a lot of pressure and expectations about life choices and life goals; from society, from our families, and even from ourselves, (I call it the 'life-script'). Along with these expectations comes a time frame in which to fulfill them, and if somebody doesn't feel that they are ticking all the right boxes at the right time, they can feel like they are 'failing' at life - which of course is ridiculous.

However, do not underestimate the power of socialisation and the message that X+Y=Happy. In this case, you are assuming that Marriage+Child+Nice House = Automatic Bliss.
Obviously for some people this may be true, but if you are looking for these things to 'fix' you, then they won't. I get the sense you want someone to come along and pull you out of this, but you need to be able to help yourself. You are still only in your 30's, that is young enough to make changes, and to decide on a whole different future for yourself.

I would advise you to ask yourself where you would like to be/ what you would like to be doing in a few years time? Then write down the small steps that you can take now, to make that happen. Maybe it is travelling somewhere, or retraining at a different career, or saving up for a deposit on a house if that's what you want. Is there something you always wanted to do? You need to allow yourself to be happy by being kind to yourself and feeling that you are worthy of good things, and then be proactive about making them happen. No-one is going to come along, knock on your door and hand you an amazing life, you have to go out there and get it for yourself (apologies for sounding like Dr Phil:)).

Spudmonkey

Hey buddy,

Said I'd offer my two cents here as well seen as I'd consider myself in a similar situation. I have a good job but sometimes wonder about what direction I'm taking in life. Should I stick it out where I am, should I go travel the world, should I move job etc for the sake of it to get more experience, should I be getting married and buying a house?

It's different for every person and the worst thing you can do is compare yourself to other people because you really have no idea whats going on behind closed doors. Some people who look like they have it sorted could be constantly worried over money, have some illness etc. I suppose others have already said it, one person's ideal life is not another's and even if it is you don't know the kind of stuff that might be troubling them.

You are young and unattached, treat that as a good thing and use it to your advantage as a way of finding out what you want in life.

LegacyUser

I would look at what you have at the moment - you have a good job. Ok you need to lose some weight. I would join slimming world as one of my friends has lost a few stone on this.
I would get out for a walk each day - just start with 15 mins each day. Next week walk for 20 mins a day and build up on this.
When your on your own why not join some groups or organisations or do night classes that you have an interest in. This will get you out of the house and let you meet new people.
Also do some traveling. If you have a good job put some money aside and go on a good holiday for a week or two. Lots of people do this.
I would look on this period of your life as one where you have the time and the money to make positive changes. I would not worrying about what other people are doing but make out a list of what changes you want to make in your own life.
Ie losing weight will make you feel and look better which will give you more confidience.
Joining a group - give you some thing to look forward to and will help you meet new people.
You can look as this year as one which will be the same as last year or this year is the one where you decided to help yourself.
The only person that can change your life is you. When you happy in yourself you could meet the love of your life but sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself will not improve your life.

LegacyUser

Hi all OP here.

Thank you all for your kind words. It's gas that, even though I know that there are a lot of people in similar circumstances as myself it's only now that I'm actually aware of it.

I'm hoping that there'll be a nice lady coming my way in the future. I'm going to give myself a good kick up the backside and get back on track.

username123

Falling Behind wrote: »

I'm hoping that there'll be a nice lady coming my way in the future. I'm going to give myself a good kick up the backside and get back on track.

Course there is. Now actually get on the track - the walking or jogging track - a healthy body is more conducive to a healthy mind