Less fussy or forever alone?

LegacyUser

As the title, I'm very fussy once it comes to find a partner. Had 3 relationships in 6 years and I ended it, mainly because after sometime together I found things that annoyed me about them.

I'm 32, I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. I took me a while to find someone who is tall, physically attractive with a lovely personality but he doesn't cook. He never once cook a dinner for me, that annoys me now and again when I think about it. I like to eat healthy and often cook for him when he is over at mine but when I'm over at his, he always take me out to restaurants or order food in.

Last week I was very sick, my friend offered to stay and look after me but my boyfriend said he would do that and he came over to look after me which is really nice of him but he didn't cook me dinners and I couldn't eat take away food when I was sick so I ended up cooking for myself. My family is living far away and they are not impressed when they heard that I had to cook for myself when my boyfriend was there. I told him I don't want to date mummy's boy and he said he is not but he is not very good at cooking. I said to him, I don't want a good cook, I like someone at least can cook me a simple dinner when I'm not well.

I don't like it when I had to say something like that to a boyfriend. Before I met him, anyone I have dated offered to cook for me, they are not all good cooks but at least I know they wanted to make an effort and even if the food weren't great, I still appreciated their efforts, now with my boyfriend, I have to look at what he can do, not what he can't but this keeps bothering me, if we ever move in together, I don't think I see myself cooking all the time. I'm getting sick of eating out all the time when I'm over to his.

Am I crazy asking for a break over this which I intent to do because I am a bit fed up at the moment( he would go insane if I get him a voucher for cooking classes) . Advice please?

Shelga

You don't really mention anything about this guy aside from the fact that he doesn't cook. Is he kind, funny, smart? If he is, seriously, let this go. Life is far, far too short.

Ickle Magoo

If you are going to discard potential partners as soon as something crops up that bugs you and go looking for the perfect partner that ticks every box with no habits that annoy you, no traits you find slightly irritating or some quirk/s you have to get used to then you're in for an almighty wait.

Pick your battles - nobody is perfect, that includes you...if you expect someone else to love you and put up with all your peccadilloes then you should be prepared to return the favour.

All the best. :cool:

Merkin

Wow. I can't imagine how hard life must be when so hugely intolerant of other people's shortcomings.If you can cook, why is the fact that he can't be a problem? I'm creative and my other half scientific, it works because we complement one another.Dumping him because he chooses to bring you to a restaurant rather than subject you to bad cooking makes YOU look very silly indeed tbh. It would be terribly dull if we all had the same skillsets.Sounds to me like you're looking for an excuse and have found a particularly weak one.

ongarboy

OP, I think you are setting yourself up for one short relationship after another or else the single life if you end relationships based on very trivial attributes. You say he has a lovely personality and physically attractive. Surely they are the deal breakers and not his ability to cook. Yes, it's a slight flaw of his perhaps but if he ticks all other boxes, you are denying yourself a decent partner (the best and most satisfying relationships involve compromise and experiencing what makes both of you different to each other).

You've admitted you're fussy so you acknowledge the dilemma. You have imperfections too (as do we all) - would you be happy if boyfriends kept dumping you over your trivial flaws? Put yourself in their shoes or else get used to playing a very long dating game!

Emme

OP, please let this go. So what if he can't cook, you say he's tall, physically attractive and has a lovely personality. What else do you want?

If you drop this man because he can't cook and continue as you have done I guarantee that you may well be single in 10 years time. Not only that, by then you will probably have to cook for any man you're lucky enough to meet because he will more than likely be too tight to go out for a meal!

stargazer 68

Not a queen wrote: »

Before I met him, anyone I have dated offered to cook for me, they are not all good cooks but at least I know they wanted to make an effort and even if the food weren't great, I still appreciated their efforts,

So why aren't you still with any of these guys then? Probably because you found some other minor fault to nitpick about. Seriously OP if the fact that he can't cook is your biggest complaint you are on to a good thing!

OP, you sound so high maintenance and annoying. Do you honestly believe you tick all his boxes? I'd be willing to bet you don't, but he lets things go, because that's what relationships are about. Nobody is perfect, nobody can do everything the way you want it.

I love that my current boyfriend can cook, but it's not the be all and end all. My last one could only make beans on toast, and that was fine. He had other good points. I'd love if my boyfriend were more musical and we could play together, but he isn't. I could go and find someone more musical but he probably wouldn't have all the good points that my boyfriend has.

Complaining to your family about your boyfriend is also immature and unfair. Would you like it if he pointed out all your faults to his family? I don't know what country you're from but you sound an awful lot like a girl I know who also has short relationship after short relationship. Either she dumps them because of her nitpicking or they end up dumping her because she's a headwrecker. Just be glad you have a lovely, attractive bf and stop trying to find fault!

Dtp79

Just your typical high maintenance princess who thinks she isn't.
By any chance are you an only child?

Paddy Cow

Not a queen wrote: »

Last week I was very sick, my friend offered to stay and look after me but my boyfriend said he would do that and he came over to look after me which is really nice of him but he didn't cook me dinners and I couldn't eat take away food when I was sick so I ended up cooking for myself. My family is living far away and they are not impressed when they heard that I had to cook for myself when my boyfriend was there. I told him I don't want to date mummy's boy and he said he is not but he is not very good at cooking. I said to him, I don't want a good cook, I like someone at least can cook me a simple dinner when I'm not well.

:eek: I'm surprised he didn't say that he doesn't want to date mummy's Princess!

Sorry op but I think you know yourself that you are being too fussy on this one. I would side with you if he couldn't cook and expected you to cook all the time but he takes you out or orders in. It might not be totally what you want but at least he is willing to compromise. We all have our flaws and unless you can accept him for who he is, rather than who you want him to be, either you'll dump him because this flaw drives you crazy or he'll dump you for nagging him. You might think you are helping him by pointing out he should cook for you or take lessons but all he'll hear is "nag, nag, nag".

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your valuable advice. I'm taking it all in. This is exactly what I need to hear. Best advices come from strangers who don't know me.

I'm sometimes surprised about how my brain works. I did indeed stop seeing men once I found something bugged me about them ( be the way they walk, holding cutlery when they eat, trainers they wear, Ect..)and I know well, I'm far from perfect. I'm grateful they accepted my flaws and weeknesses. I know Mr perfect doesn't exit but I really don't know how to control my brain. Once I notice something in my partner I don't like, I find it hard to un-notice it. I try to draw my attention to the positive traits but somehow the annoying traits emphasize themselves.

My boyfriend is kind, loving and generous. I do love so many things about him. Breaking up because he can't cook makes me a silly person but he would be gutted losing me because he can't cook but unwilling to learn( Oops...blowing my own trumpet). I find it hard to live with someone everyday who can't cook a simple dish. Maybe because all the men I know as friends and family members know how to cook. But for his own benefits and happiness why can't he put some effort into learn something that so many others enjoy doing it? Or how do I look pass this and being less fussy and leave him in peace? Which I really want to do.

Beruthiel

Not a queen wrote: »

I told him I don't want to date mummy's boy and he said he is not but he is not very good at cooking. I said to him, I don't want a good cook, I like someone at least can cook me a simple dinner when I'm not well.

If the only problem you have with this guy is he can't cook, then you should be thanking your lucky stars.
Perfection in a human being does not exist.
Seriously.

He can't cook, but, by the sounds of him, he might actually be willing to learn.
Did you ever once offer to teach him how to cook a meal?
Do you not think it might actually be fun if you both cooked a meal together the odd time?

Emme

Dtp79 wrote: »

Just your typical high maintenance princess who thinks she isn't.
By any chance are you an only child?

I don't think family order has anything to do with it. Maybe if the man concerned was an only child he would be able to cook because only children often grow up having to do everything. They don't have siblings to share tasks. A surprising number of only children have parents who are unwell (this is often a reason why there are no other siblings) and have to grow up fast. The spoilt princess only child is very much a myth.

Back to the OP, you won't find a man who is able to everything. I bet your bf has a skill that you haven't and would it be fair if he expected you to do this as proficiently as he does?

fergal.b

Dump him now, and let some other girl appreciate him for who he is.




.

LegacyUser

I don't nag him. Only told him once in the last 8 months that I would be happier if he can cook. Got frustrated another day after being sick and he couldn't cook a meal so told him nicely.

I'm sorry, I'm a bit high maintenance and he knows that and he accepts me the way I am. I sent him a text last night before my post saying that I won't come over to his place next time if he can't cook at home. I felt bad and I've realised a few things after reading all your advice but just got an email from him there saying he will borrow his moms cook book and will try his best, he also said the reason he never cook for me because he is afraid I can't eat his food so order food in or eat out at least I know what to expect...I feel worse now after had a tantrum. Now I do need to work on my personal issue. It might be something next about him I'm not happy about. I've never seen a therapist before or have any counselling session. Do you think this is something I can work on myself or I need to see a therapist?

Reading my post again. I sound like an annoying, awful, immature person but I really do appreciate your advice and harsh words. I post in PI because I know it's my issue and I need to deal with it or I will be forever alone.

ElleEm

OP, in the grand scheme of things, not being able to cook is WAY down on the list of flaws you should be looking for in a partner. In your post, you come across as very selfish and spoilt. Your boyfriend took time to come to your home and look after you when you were sick, yet you are STILL finding something to moan about. I also think you were totally out of order moaning to your family about "having to cook yourself". You are a grown woman- you should not expect anything from your boyfriend. You should appreciate the good in him.

I agree with Merkin, people have different skills and talents. Just cos your boyfriend doesn't share yours doesn't mean you can force your expectations on him. It is not like he expects you to starve, he brings you to restaurants or orders take away. Maybe it is not the food you like to eat, but at least he is trying. He may have no interest in cooking, and he is entitled to that. What happens if he learns how to cook but it is still not what you want (unhealthy, too bland, too salty)? It seems like you are trying to find ANYTHING to moan about.

If you feel that this issue is big enough to break up over, then do. If you do not learn to compromise and look past any differences your boyfriend (or future boyfriends) have, then you will continue to be single for a very long time.

Wait until you enter the big bad world of grown- up relationships, you won't last 5 minutes! I would hate to see how you handle a big problem!

kylith

Why not offer to teach him to cook, or suggest enrolling yourselves in a cookery course so ye can learn some recipes together.

It seems to me that all you're seeing is problems, you're not looking for solutions.

mood

You are being too demanding IMO. If this is the only problem then your on to a good thing. If he didn't do any house work at all that would be different but you said nothing to suggest this. He could make something basic such as a pizza but I don't think you would be happy with that.

Only not cooking doesn't make him a Mammy's Boy.

Dtp79

Not a queen wrote: »

I don't nag him. Only told him once in the last 8 months that I would be happier if he can cook. Got frustrated another day after being sick and he couldn't cook a meal so told him nicely.

I'm sorry, I'm a bit high maintenance and he knows that and he accepts me the way I am. I sent him a text last night before my post saying that I won't come over to his place next time if he can't cook at home. I felt bad and I've realised a few things after reading all your advice but just got an email from him there saying he will borrow his moms cook book and will try his best, he also said the reason he never cook for me because he is afraid I can't eat his food so order food in or eat out at least I know what to expect...I feel worse now after had a tantrum. Now I do need to work on my personal issue. It might be something next about him I'm not happy about. I've never seen a therapist before or have any counselling session. Do you think this is something I can work on myself or I need to see a therapist?

Reading my post again. I sound like an annoying, awful, immature person but I really do appreciate your advice and harsh words. I post in PI because I know it's my issue and I need to deal with it or I will be forever alone.

Fair play to you for admitting you are the problem and not him.

Paddy Cow

Not a queen wrote: »

I don't nag him. Only told him once in the last 8 months that I would be happier if he can cook. Got frustrated another day after being sick and he couldn't cook a meal so told him nicely.

I'm sorry, I'm a bit high maintenance and he knows that and he accepts me the way I am. I sent him a text last night before my post saying that I won't come over to his place next time if he can't cook at home. I felt bad and I've realised a few things after reading all your advice but just got an email from him there saying he will borrow his moms cook book and will try his best, he also said the reason he never cook for me because he is afraid I can't eat his food so order food in or eat out at least I know what to expect...I feel worse now after had a tantrum. Now I do need to work on my personal issue. It might be something next about him I'm not happy about. I've never seen a therapist before or have any counselling session. Do you think this is something I can work on myself or I need to see a therapist?

Reading my post again. I sound like an annoying, awful, immature person but I really do appreciate your advice and harsh words. I post in PI because I know it's my issue and I need to deal with it or I will be forever alone.

That's probably the most insightful thing you've said so far in this thread. I think you recognise at this stage that it's not just his lack of ability to cook that's the problem. The problem is you and your inability to process things that annoy you in a healthy way. Counselling with a CBT therapist probably would help you. At least you are willing to take on board harsh criticism and learn from it so you're not that bad

ManOfMystery

I kinda have to echo what everyone else is saying OP.

Of course I understand that we all have particular things we want in a partner, and there is no right & wrong as such. One person may find a person who's the life and soul of the party to be fun and attractive, whilst another may find them loud and irritating. Everyone has their own preferences and you're fully entitled to yours.

Generally however, these preferences relate to characteristics. Is someone honest? Trustworthy? Reliable? Funny? Motivated? Ambitious? Fun? Quiet? And so on.

What you're picking fault with is a skill set. The man can't cook. It's a skill he either never learned, never had any interest in, or never had any natural talent at. To me it's akin to you saying he sucks at tennis (if you were a tennis fan), or can't play a musical instrument (if you were very musical), etc.

In the grand scheme of things, characteristics are much more important to the longevity of a relationship than skill sets. Building a strong foundation for a long lasting relationship with someone you love is about trust, communication, honesty. All things which are part of a person's character. 'Not being able to cook' is - to me at least - way, way down the list of things to worry about when thinking about the future of a relationship.

I think you really need to re-examine your thought processes and your outlook on relationships in general. There are 6 billion+ inhabitants on this planet, and not a single one of them is born perfect. You have to accept that every partner is going to have flaws of some kind, and things which annoy you. To make a relationship last means learning to either accept or ignore these flaws, and usually it helps a lot if you focus more on the all the positives about your partner which heavily outweigh the negatives.

LegacyUser

I'm shocked at some of the responses on this thread. If you people think being cooked for when sick is high maintenance, ye need to seriously raise your standards! I doubt the OP was looking for a 4 course meal as opposed to a basic effort on her boyfriend's behalf to take care of her when she wasn't well. Would it have killed him to boil a bit of pasta?

OP you are perfectly within your rights to expect basic care from someone who claims to be your boyfriend. The hallmark of a true friend is someone who steps up when you need them most

Neyite

OP, he is willing to learn to cook for you and thats a keeper right there.

Its harder for the non-cook in the relationship to try to cook because you have to impress someone who does cook well, and that can be intimidating. Far easier to order in when you are hungry.

Why not start by cooking a few basic meals together? you do the chopping and the prep, and talk him through the steps while you both sip a glass of wine. It can be hard to know what part of the dinner to put on when, you know? It can become a nice shared quality time for you both, and not as bossy as sending him to lessons or into the kitchen with only a cookbook.

mood

realitycheck234 wrote: »

I'm shocked at some of the responses on this thread. If you people think being cooked for when sick is high maintenance, ye need to seriously raise your standards! I doubt the OP was looking for a 4 course meal as opposed to a basic effort on her boyfriend's behalf to take care of her when she wasn't well. Would it have killed him to boil a bit of pasta?

OP you are perfectly within your rights to expect basic care from someone who claims to be your boyfriend. The hallmark of a true friend is someone who steps up when you need them most

If he can't cook I don't see anything wrong with him ordering them a chinese while she was sick.

I know people who can't and don't cook but that doesn't mean that they neglect or don't take care of their OH or even kids.

OPs issue seems to be that he doesn't cook in general which is not a major issue in my books.

Richy06

Why don't you try and teach him how to cook rather than just throwing him away? It could be great fun!
In return, he can teach you how not to be such a Princess.

CaraMay

Op I do think you need to see a therapist. Who made you the God of all you survey??? Its not nice to speak down to a perfectly nice guy by telling him he is a mammy's boy. I dont think you realise that talking down to him like that and nagging him to cook for you makes you seem like his mammy... There is something very conniving about what your are doing and tbh it sounds like you are mind-fu€king him into submission.

Get over yourself. Yours is not the only way to exist.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I kinda have to echo what everyone else is saying OP.



In the grand scheme of things, characteristics are much more important to the longevity of a relationship than skill sets. Building a strong foundation for a long lasting relationship with someone you love is about trust, communication, honesty. All things which are part of a person's character. 'Not being able to cook' is - to me at least - way, way down the list of things to worry about when thinking about the future of a relationship.

I think you really need to re-examine your thought processes and your outlook on relationships in general. There are 6 billion+ inhabitants on this planet, and not a single one of them is born perfect. You have to accept that every partner is going to have flaws of some kind, and things which annoy you. To make a relationship last means learning to either accept or ignore these flaws, and usually it helps a lot if you focus more on the all the positives about your partner which heavily outweigh the negatives.

Agreed with all that. I know all well for all my adult years that I have to accept that whoever I'm with will have flaws of some kind and things which annoy me but I'm fussy so things which annoy me might be invisible to others.

My boyfriend is very kind to people, a very ambition man and plays a lot of sports, treats me well but I will find him more attractive if he can cook a few nice meals and can cook for me when I am sick. I shouldn't have let that bother me that much but I'm working on it.

I was on to him about cooking together when I come over tomorrow but he said dinner will be ready when I'm over because he would get nervous if I'm watching him in the kitchen. Hope he won't ask his mom to cook for him beforehand. That's cheating.

Some people call me a Princess. I am unreasonable sometimes but I'm not a princess. I am very independent, live on my own, travel on my own, look after boyfriend, family, friends when they need me. Give me some credit boys...my boyfriend is not a fool, he doesn't want a headwrecker princess.

I'm on here looking for advice on how to accept others for who they are, in spite of flaws or shortcomings or being less fussy and how to deal with problems next time instead of thinking about ending a relationship over silly, trivial things and all your advice has been very helpful. Thanks.

clairefontaine

It's ok to find qualities you like and don't like. I know someone who gave up on someone because they didnt drink, and drinking was hugely important to this person.

Food is hugely symbolic for some. It's love, nourishment, pleasure, the center of civilisation. That is why the French and Italians have three hour lunches, it's the heart of family and what brings us together.

If food werent important we wouldnt have the popularity of cooking shows and Dickens wrote pages and pages of detailed descriptions of dinner tables and on reverse, hunger.

If you are sick, and you feel vulnerable then yeah you would feel pretty bad if someone didn't make you something.

It's not necessary to go to therapy over this - you just have to evaluate the compatibilities of your values.

mood

OP maybe this finding something annoying about every boyfriend and breaking up with them has something to do with commitment issues on you part. You highlight a patter so need to look at it more closely.

P. Breathnach

Not a queen wrote: »

...
My boyfriend is very kind to people, a very ambition man and plays a lot of sports, treats me well but I will find him more attractive if he can cook a few nice meals and can cook for me when I am sick. I shouldn't have let that bother me that much but I'm working on it....

I'm glad you are working on it, because if you don't, I visualise further problems: if he turns out to be a good cook, you might fix on some other thing that you see as a shortcoming, and the cycle recurs.

Face it: we are none of us perfect. A successful relationship involves people loving one another while knowing each other's shortcomings.

I'm male, and in a long-established successful relationship. When we started our lives together, I couldn't cook scrambled eggs. It was not until much later, when our circumstances forced it on me, that I learned to cook; now the kitchen is my territory.

fergal.b

OP are you perfect do you satisfy him in every way and I don't just mean in the bedroom, maybe he would like you to watch football or play video games with him but I'm sure he doesn't expect you to. If he wanted to cook for you he would have if he doesn't so be it, if he gets his mom to cook it for you that just proves he does not want to cook or learn to cook and that's just the way it is maybe one day he will surprise with a boiled egg or something like that and it will be the nicest meal you ever had but unless you just let small things like this go you might never get that perfect surprise meal or that perfect man.




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RossFixxxed

You don't come across as immature and judgemental. You ARE just that I'm afraid.

What are your flaws? What do you think would irritate a partner about you. I get being fussy, I get seeing flaws, but dear lord none of us are remotely perfect and anyone who thinks they are is delusional and must have an unfettered ego flying around.

Cooking? You'd lose a partner, who we assune is a decent guy, all you mention is cooking, over this? You'd throw it away over some food?

Maybe you are better alone, and I really think you need to fix you first then enter a relationship. My mind is blown by this tbh. When I think of all the baggage, issues and flaws I have and cooking is the dealbreaker. The guy even seems like he wants to learn this.

Just wow. Break up with him and let him find someone capable of a relationship.


I know this is harsh, but you need perspective. You may also benefit from seeing a psychologist on this. I'm absolutely serious. Re read this post, and realise I'm not being knee-jerk on it, I'm metaphorically shaking you by the shoulders. You WILL be alone forever at this rate, and unhappy. Please consider seeing someone about this.

LegacyUser

So what your boyfriend is not a good cook. Some people don't have some one to show them how to cook or live at home where mammy gives them a cooked dinner each day.

I would ask your boyfriend what kind of food he would like to cook and show him how to do this. Ask him does he know how to read a recipe, how to weight and measure items when cooking or does he understand cookery terms. If he tells you I have not a clue ask him would you mind if I got you a book or books to help you out.
If you look on amazon.co.uk there is a children's cookery book called Ultimate Children's Cookbook (Dk). It has 150 step by step recipes which would be good for someone just starting to cook. The leaving cert course has 2 cookery books on it which are very good also. Also in Marks and Spencer they have a lot of cookery books. The Bible one is very good but they have a lot of small books with collection of recipes ie curry recipes.

It is a good thing that you know that you have to change the way you act within relationships. Not everyone will tick all the box'es. The majority of couples I know are good at different things and they complement each other.

christinekiki

Okay, i sometimes wonder why i am single at 28. And then i see this post, are you having a giraffe??! If you found someone you find attractive, that treats you well and wants to spend time with you when you are sick then to be honest i think you may have hit the jackpot. His ability to cook is irrelevant. Teach him if you have to, make it fun and not a chore. you can enjoy spending time together learning how he likes his eggs in the morning!
I feel there might be something you are not telling us though, is the cooking really the problem? I sense you might just have picked on one thing&keep going over it in your head. As if you are looking for a problem, if that was all you could find well then i think you are a lucky lucky lady.
If you still think this is a problem, send him on to me!

heartseeker

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Mighty_Mouse

I took me a while to find someone who is tall, physically attractive with a lovely personality but he doesn't cook.

It really sounds as if you are operating a checklist, as opposed to connecting with a significant other.

It must be difficult………………at last your "out-of-the-box" functionally correct “man” has arrived, he looks good enough to make the girls jealous, he’ll look great in those future holiday snaps, right?

But as reality kicks in you realise your “ken doll” doesn't shave every day, or occasionally drinks too much, or has a tendency for junk food, or doesn't know much about mumford & sons, or occasionally likes to veg in his underpants watching sports………or doesn't cook ...... or whatever the next gripe you are sure to dig up will be.

Do you realise that this other person is only human? He's not just a giant piece of lego designed to fit the man-sized hole in your life's dreams?

For example, if you were not operating to a pre-conceived checklist , would a more normal reaction not be to wonder why they are refusing to cook?
Would it not be possible to surmise that maybe they are embarrassed that they can't really cook?
Especially given your "High performace" pressure technique of relationship success.


Would a more sympathetic human reaction not of been to talk to this person and ask them as to whether they would like to learn the basics, that you could teach them a thing or 2?

Your 1st reaction was to dump & move on.
After 8 months?
Just cut & run?
I'd be worried.
How can you just flick the switch and discard someone after 8 months so coldly?
Bang........ you lose........ next?
Wow, is all I can say.
I can see you having problems into the future.
Are you afraid to be happy?

LegacyUser

I've read all the posts again and I will certainly learn a lesson or two after this. I'm glad I posted here looking for advice. Looking back, I wasn't an equal partner in the relationships. There was always my way, all my exes just accepted it until I got bored and left. If one of them had left me first then I could have learnt something.

So last night my boyfriend cooked for me for the first time. He did a teriyaki salmon dish all by himself. I was amazed. He was so happy when I finished his food and I enjoyed it very much. Now its his idea to cook once a week if he could. He obviously enjoyed his first experience, I'm very happy about that. He is trying. Again I get what i want and its not new.

christinekiki wrote: »

I feel there might be something you are not telling us though, is the cooking really the problem? I sense you might just have picked on one thing&keep going over it in your head. As if you are looking for a problem, if that was all you could find well then i think you are a lucky lucky lady.
If you still think this is a problem, send him on to me!

I don't have any other problem with my boyfriend. The fact he is younger than me bothered me at first but not anymore ( I know not his fault). I was sick and he didn't cook for me so I got frustrated and thought he wasn't good enough. I know I was wrong thinking of breaking up over a silly reason. All my friends and family have warned me not giving him a hard time. They said I'm lucky, he loves me with all his heart and he would stick with me through thick and thin, he is incredibly patient with me. The problem is me, I'm trying to contribute as much as I'm getting in return. I'm willing to make sacrifices for my partner which rarely happened before. He might do something that annoys me in the future but I need to look at the big picture. Lesson learnt!

LegacyUser

fab lady wrote: »

So what your boyfriend is not a good cook. Some people don't have some one to show them how to cook or live at home where mammy gives them a cooked dinner each day.

I would ask your boyfriend what kind of food he would like to cook and show him how to do this. Ask him does he know how to read a recipe, how to weight and measure items when cooking or does he understand cookery terms. If he tells you I have not a clue ask him would you mind if I got you a book or books to help you out.
If you look on amazon.co.uk there is a children's cookery book called Ultimate Children's Cookbook (Dk). It has 150 step by step recipes which would be good for someone just starting to cook. The leaving cert course has 2 cookery books on it which are very good also. Also in Marks and Spencer they have a lot of cookery books. The Bible one is very good but they have a lot of small books with collection of recipes ie curry recipes.

It is a good thing that you know that you have to change the way you act within relationships. Not everyone will tick all the box'es. The majority of couples I know are good at different things and they complement each other.

Thank you for your great suggestions. He googled recipes and he couldn't believe there are so many to read and learn. He has picked a few good websites and bookmarked them.

He was watching cooking lesson on Youtube the same time he was cooking last night. So he knows whats best/ easiest for him to learn. I'm sure we will buy some cookbooks together and the Children's one sounds good.

CaraMay

You come across as very clinical and unemotional. Would this be correct? The reason I ask is that maybe you need to learn how to bend a little, become more emotional to feel satisfied in your relationship. It seems that people are disposable? You don't want them if they don't do what you want and then when they do, it's nothing new for you and you still get sick of them. I really don't understand. Do you?

A cousin of mine has aspergers and would be similar to how he handles relationships.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

You come across as very clinical and unemotional. Would this be correct? The reason I ask is that maybe you need to learn how to bend a little, become more emotional to feel satisfied in your relationship. It seems that people are disposable? You don't want them if they don't do what you want and then when they do, it's nothing new for you and you still get sick of them. I really don't understand. Do you?

A cousin of mine has aspergers and would be similar to how he handles relationships.

Sorry if I come cross as unemotional but I really don't know what to say. My boyfriend or exes love me for a reason and they often say I'm warm and caring and very emotional indeed. I said I always get what I want and it's not new, I meant partners tend to do things for me and I do appreciate their kindness and efforts. If It happens all the time, I expect I will always get what I want and I don't learn to compromise so its not always a very good thing.

girl2

No offence to you OP, but I really don't like how you describe yourself. In fact I feel your behaviour is very much controlling and manipulative. That poor fella you're with right now - you threaten to break up with him if he doesn't cook for you? I think that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. There are some people in the world who just don't cook. And for this reason to be used as a reason for breaking up with someone is just crazy imo.

I wonder now do you have a warm fuzzy sense of "winning" now that he is going to cook for you every week "his idea if course" :rolleyes: after the nonsense you have gone on about. And that's the very typical controlling behaviour that is seen in abuse situations - starting off with something as stupid as cooking a meal, so much fuss over it, that he now is submissive and going to cook for you once a week.

You should take all the advice on this thread and have a good think about things. Think about your opinions of yourself and how high a pedestal you seem to think you're on and maybe just come down a little bit to earth.

a posse ad esse

I have been with my husband for almost 15 years and not once has he cooked a meal for me/the kids. Well he tried twice with disastrous consequences. Although there were times I would appreciate him cooking something especially when I was sick. But it was not to cook for me but for the kids. Instead he takes them out and brings something back. But what I do admire about him and comparing him with my exes is the fact he is always thankful after I cook something and he automatically cleans up afterwards. I wouldn't accept having to cook and clean up and to me that would be a mamma's boy. Some people can't cook and believe me I've tried with my husband. He is good at getting the water ready for the pasta but to have him cook it? Forget about it.

What are other qualities and skills that your boyfriend has that you may lack? Something you can be appreciative about? I am sure there are skills and other things that he is very good at and you cannot do well? I may be excellent at cooking and other domestic chores but I am sh*te when it comes to fixing things around the house, checking the oil in the car. I know what I lack in certain skills my husband definitely makes up for and vice versa. Another way to look at it, I suppose.

StickyIcky

I'd have to agree with cara and girl2 on this OP. Something about you doesn't sound quite click with me, I'm trying to put my finger on it. After everything that everyone's said and your reaction sounds like most of its gone over your head, or your choosing not to register it. If I had to guess I'd say your probably very pretty and uses to getting your way with men. Would I be right?

When I first started reading your post I can understand how not having a partner bring you nice healthy food when your sick would suck. I would be upset and annoyed by that too. Its nice to have someone who can take care of you.

But when I read everything else, you definitely have something not quite right going on, but I can't put my finger on it. There's definitely something up and honestly I find it rather interesting because I can't work you out.

Lenmeister

Not a queen wrote: »

There was always my way, all my exes just accepted it until I got bored and left.

He is trying. Again I get what i want and its not new.

I don't have any other problem with my boyfriend. All my friends and family have warned me not giving him a hard time. They said I'm lucky, he loves me with all his heart and he would stick with me through thick and thin, he is incredibly patient with me. I'm willing to make sacrifices for my partner which rarely happened before. Lesson learnt!

Ya have to agree with the couple above posts. Sounds like you haven't learned anything. Going by all of your posts in this thread, your attitude sounds almost dismissive of peoples responses, even though you said you're thankful. If it's not, then ofcourse I take that back.

It's all me me me in this relationship. I'm glad he found he enjoys cooking and is going to keep it up, but that all stemmed from your greedy attitude, not your willingness to overcome the "problem". It doesn't sound like you're willing to compromise whatsoever if you're still getting what you want by getting the other person to do what you want. The way you've described him seems to be what almost every woman I know would call their perfect partner. Even your friends/family said he's great and not to make an issue out of it. Plus the fact that you decided to have a whine about it before even talking about it with him and suggesting he learn or have him cook with you etc, makes you sound like you just want everything your own way. How long before you find something else you don't like that you'll make him change about himself?

Ofcourse it's perfectly normal to want your OH to take care of you when you're sick, but he did say he wanted to take care of you, then came over and ordered food. Not everybodys choice but he obviously cared and wanted to show he cared. Who knows, he might be a great cook but just didn't want to make a mess of it and have you think he's useless. Many people here are saying you're going ott on this and I agree. Especially about breaking up with him over food. You're first post was seemed fine except for the breaking up part. At that point I thought... Get real. Hope I wasn't too harsh, but be less fussy in future for sure. Hope everything works out.

Mighty_Mouse

Some people call me a Princess. I am unreasonable sometimes but I'm not a princess

but I'm fussy so things which annoy me might be invisible to others

All my friends and family have warned me not giving him a hard time.

I'm sorry, I'm a bit high maintenance

he accepts me the way I am

he loves me with all his heart

Above, IMO, is pretty much the context of the relationship.
This is about more than cooking.

Do you really want to be this type of person?
Is this what you want for your guy?

Will he become one of those typically "miserable" feckers with a dominant wife?

You can repeat the phrases "I'm not a princess", "I'm not high maintenance" as many times as you like.

RossFixxxed

You haven't learned anything. You are blatatantly self absorbed. I really think if this goes unaddressed you will be alone and miserable, but at least you'll be perfect right?

Forever Hopeful

I remember a post a while back from a girl who couldn't find the right guy because she would get bored after they would change themselves to be her perfect guy and then dump them.
This sounds eerily like that but here's my tuppence worth. Fair play to you Op to be someone that men seem to twist themselves into being who you want and then are not worthy of you. You should write a book because you'd make a fortune.

I had a friend in school who suffered from high self esteem. She went from boyfriend to boyfriend. It was almost Shakespearian with the poetry/romance.
Eventually she married a guy who adored her. I heard a couple of years ago that he has been cheating on her. He moved out and is living with the lady he had an affair with.
The guy might be doing everything he can to keep on your good side but after a while he's going to go scr*w this, it's not worth the effort and someone will come along who will appreciate them for who they are.

RossFixxxed

I really do feel sorry for the guy in this case. This is pretty black and white.

Fix yourself, or let him go and find someone who will actually appreciate HIM not some petty cooking related issue.

StickyIcky

There is some validity to the cooking issue in my opinion. I wouldn't like to be the only person in the relationship who ever ever cooked.

There is an under lying problem though, that a lot of people are picking up about the OP, that the OP herself isn't aware of, or hasn't admitted she's aware of it at least.

I don't think we should bash the OP or try and make her feel bad about it in anyway. She hasn't done anything wrong per-say. She just seems to be completely oblivious and unaware as to what many of us think the real issue is. The real issue being "the way she sees things".

Everyone has different ways of seeing things though. Depending on our genetic makeup and how our brains are wired, we all experience life subjectively. We can never know what's truly going on in someones head. For this reason I very much dislike when people bash other people on the internet. What we should be doing is trying to understand and offer our help.

To the OP. I hope that you find a happy medium with your boyfriend on the food and cooking issue. I also hope for your sake, that you can spend some time looking into yourself and really try and figure out where this issue of yours (with never being happy with guys, only seeing their flaws, getting bored and moving on) is coming from. Perhaps try and focus some of that critical energy on yourself?! Being humble is a really good trait. Realising your own short falls and that you're no better than anyone else.

It's also possible that is just the way you are wired. Some people I believe are destined to jump from partner to partner. Some people really aren't cut out for long term relationships.

What ever you do, my advice is focus some of that energy inwards, find out what's really going on inside you and fix it, or if you're happy with it and where it's leading you accept and embrace it! Good luck

LegacyUser

OP, I sincerely suggest you put that ego to bed unless you're aiming for a lifetime of long, dark nights alone

Chara1001

Right so, he's trying to sort the cooking out.
What next? Maybe he'll slice the meat the wrong way, or eat his food too quickly for your liking, or put the wrong amount on your plate while serving it to you.

I don't agree with StickyIcky above, just because s/he says you're oblivious (which i don't think you are), you haven't done anything wrong. All who reply are taking time to point out something that is jumping out of your post, and if you take it seriously will really help in the long run. I'm certainly not taking time out of my day to bash you because i think i can. Op, our advice and observations have highlighted something which will benefit you on the long run and hopefully save this guy (who sounds really nice) some serious grief. You say you're working on it, well that's great, keep at it. Because it sounds like this could spiral into an abusive situation for him.

Good luck