My Mother Doesn't Really Babysit

BalancedBetty

Hello;
Im a Newbie and Im having issues with my mother I am married with a two-year-old son. I work 3 days a week and my husband works for himself. I have my little son enrolled in a creche Mon-Fri from 2-5:30pm.
My husband's family will mind our little fella when we're both working and my mother will mind him about once a week, if I need her.
The problem is my mother never offers to take him when Im not working, just to give me a break. She works one morning a week, that's it. She's only 54 and my little son is her only grandson, and will be her only grandson.
Im saddened (and tired!) that she doesn't want to take him a bit more.
Am I wrong in thinking this?

Stheno

Yes to be honest, your mother is free to spend her time as she wishes, and under no obligation to offer to take your child so you can have a break.

Have you asked her if she could maybe take him for a couple of hours?

BalancedBetty

I have asked her but she's evasive, but, does that mean that I don't have to look after her when she gets older? My first son was murdered 13 years ago. I just think it's strange for her not to want to spend a bit more time with him. She's regularly over for dinner, holiday dinner, every Christmas. My mother wasn't well there after pouring a boiling kettle over herself and I got her shopping, visited often.
I also call more my mother at least once or twice a day (she expects this). The little fella gets on the phone to her to chat and she's always very concerned about what he eats, what he doesn't eat. We're close but I just find it strange!
If she worked more I would totally understand. Perhaps I am being selfish and should just reconcile myself to the fact I won't be going out for the next couple of years!!

BalancedBetty

I have asked her but she's evasive, but, does that mean that I don't have to look after her when she gets older? My first son was murdered 13 years ago. I just think it's strange for her not to want to spend a bit more time with him. She's regularly over for dinner, holiday dinner, every Christmas. My mother wasn't well there after pouring a boiling kettle over herself and I got her shopping, visited often.
I also call more my mother at least once or twice a day (she expects this). The little fella gets on the phone to her to chat and she's always very concerned about what he eats, what he doesn't eat. We're close but I just find it strange!
If she worked more I would totally understand. Perhaps I am being selfish and should just reconcile myself to the fact I won't be going out for the next couple of years!!

3ndahalfof6

Your mother has done her job, why do you think she should or must mind or look after your son,

you say you lost your son 13 yrs ago, how close was she to him, is it possible she does not want to get close for fear of the pain she felt when you lost your 1st son, is it possible she does not want to be left in a position that something might happen to your 2nd son and it would be her fault,

as for you looking after her (your mother), this is your choice, she must of done a good job with you if you feel this way, do you think you give birth to your son so he can look after you when you get old?, (for the record I dont think you do)

there could be a big fear factor for your mother, the older people get the more cautious they become, have you spoken to her about these possible problems,

maybe she is just ****ting herself, " if I look after my grandson and something bad happens how could I live with myself",

I hope you work it out, talk to her, let her know how you feel and you would love her to be more involved with her grandson because she was a great mother.

gg2

Tough one OP...

My mum is in her mid 60's, works very long hours and is generally exhausted at the end of every day. I'm the only one at home and therefore feel I am the only one that really see's this. Yet if she is asked to babysit for any one of her 15 grandchildren she does it no problem, exhausting herself further. The thing that gets me is that in 2 of my siblings families their grannies babysit veru rarely and if they do its when suits them whereas mam will drop all of her own plans for them. I wish she could be more like the other grannies.
Maybe your mum is like them? Feels she has her own life and own routines?

I know it must be hard for you to understand why. Have you chatted to her about it?

I understand what your saying about you taking care of her but I think we almost owe them that... Would you consider just getting a babysitter?

Sorry to hear about your 1st son..

Melion

Could you be any more selfish? Your mother is under no obligation to mind YOUR child.

BalancedBetty

Thanks for the input!
My brother murdered my first son, it was a big infamous story, he's in a mental institution. My Dad died several years ago, but they were separated. So it's a shattered family. My mother was very close to my first son, but I really don't think that she's simply "afraid" to mind him.
I work in a nursing home and I understand the care that elderly parents require, the constant contact, keeping them company, going shopping every week, cooking meals etc.
Im quite prepared to do all that for my mother. I am only being honest in my fruastration with her over the fact that she only works one morning a week and doesn't help me out more.
She did agree to take my son overnight every week for me, but I found I actually didn't want him gone that often, she did it 3 separate times t fizzled out. I do tell her that Im very tired, and I could do with a break but she's "busy".
Her sisters mind their grandchildren all the time, even bringing them off for weekends, and all her sisters work.
Im actually starting to think that she has a personality disorder. I looked it up and Im thinking that she might have a Paranoid Personality Disorder, with is quite commen in families with a close relative being schizophrenic (my brother).

BalancedBetty

Melion, I don't think your comment was helpful. My mother is only 54 and has been on social welfare for 13 years.
I come from a close family of aunts, unlces and cousins, my mother has always been considered the "eccentric one".
Saying that Im being selfish for wanting my mother to be more involved in her family rather than isolating herself, doing nothing, is not constructive for her. I feel that my mother should want to spend some time with her grandson, how is that selfish? Is she not selfish?

BalancedBetty

GG2, your mother sounds wonderful and way too nice, in her 60's and helping out with 15 grandchildren? That's an awful lot, IMO.
My Mam is 54 with one grandchild and works one morning a week....:(

vitani

Not being funny, but surely giving you a 'break' is your husband's job?

BalancedBetty

Vitani, do you have children?

lazygal

I don't want or expect my mother or father to babysit. My mother always said she reared one family and wasn't rearing a second. She offers to mind our child occasionally, maybe once every couple of months, which I'm delighted to take her up on. I also call up to hers once a week for a catch up and she's happy to take her for an hour so I can do a supermarket shop, but if this doesn't suit her there's no problem. I've seen my parents in law being taken advantage of for childminding and it doesn't sit well with me. They are at their 'other' grandchildren's beck and call, not just for the odd night out but for full on minding. This started with occasional minding and now they have the children more than their parents do.

No one is 'owed' babysitting by family members. I don't feel any obligation to mind the children on the other side of the family. Once you have your own family its up to you to sort out who minds them. My grandparents didn't spend a heap of time with us. They didn't live close by so visits a couple of times a year were all we had, but we loved visiting and have great memories. I don't think families need to be in each others' pockets to be close. I don't see my siblings that often but we're always there for each other.

vitani

BalancedBetty wrote: »

Vitani, do you have children?

Yes, I do.

As I said, I'm not being funny and I'm not trying to be rude but the two of you are a partnership. If you're tired, he needs to be the one stepping up to help you, not your mother.

Melion

BalancedBetty wrote: »

Melion, I don't think your comment was helpful. My mother is only 54 and has been on social welfare for 13 years.
I come from a close family of aunts, unlces and cousins, my mother has always been considered the "eccentric one".
Saying that Im being selfish for wanting my mother to be more involved in her family rather than isolating herself, doing nothing, is not constructive for her. I feel that my mother should want to spend some time with her grandson, how is that selfish? Is she not selfish?

So ask one of your aunts, uncles or cousins to do it. Your mother raised you, she did her job. Your attitude absolutely stinks, she has no obligation to give you a break from YOUR CHILD. You have a husband, why doesn't he give you a break?

You seriously need to look at yourself, it's pathetic to expect your mother to mind your child when you need a break. She didn't force you to get pregnant. But because I'm not agreeing with you, I'm not being helpful. Typical of your attitude displayed in this thread really.

3ndahalfof6

BalancedBetty wrote: »

Thanks for the input!
My brother murdered my first son, it was a big infamous story, he's in a mental institution. My Dad died several years ago, but they were separated. So it's a shattered family. My mother was very close to my first son, but I really don't think that she's simply "afraid" to mind him.
I work in a nursing home and I understand the care that elderly parents require, the constant contact, keeping them company, going shopping every week, cooking meals etc.
Im quite prepared to do all that for my mother. I am only being honest in my fruastration with her over the fact that she only works one morning a week and doesn't help me out more.
She did agree to take my son overnight every week for me, but I found I actually didn't want him gone that often, she did it 3 separate times t fizzled out. I do tell her that Im very tired, and I could do with a break but she's "busy".
Her sisters mind their grandchildren all the time, even bringing them off for weekends, and all her sisters work.
Im actually starting to think that she has a personality disorder. I looked it up and Im thinking that she might have a Paranoid Personality Disorder, with is quite commen in families with a close relative being schizophrenic (my brother).

So why would you be wanting to push for your mother to mind your child if you think her mind is unsafe?

in saying this you had a father so if something is hereditry it is possible to come from either set of genes, it is possible you could be leaving your mother out in the cold because of your own fears,

tis not an easy situation for you or your mother or any member of your family considering your family's history,

how are you feeling OP, is it possible, is it.

Gatling

You work 3 days a week ,
Child in creche 5 days a week for several hours ,
And you need a break ,
Add self diagnosis of mental health issues
your mum may have ,

Seriously

Moonbeam

I can see this from 2 angles...

The 1st that you are not actually being selfish but just want her to want to take him..
The 2nd is that you think because you look after her to an extent you think she should want to look after your son.

I can not imagination the emotional impact that her son killing her grandson had on her and it maybe related to this.

I think it is very generous that the grandparents look after your child for you while you work and i do hope that you realise this and that they want to really then feel that they have to which is unfair on any grandparent.

chubchub

To be blunt I think your mother is right to set her boundaries about the level of babysitting she particpates in. The decision to have and rear and child was yours and not your mothers. Was your mother part of yoyr discussions when you decided to have another child, was she consulted as to whether she would babysit. I very much doubt it. Your mother has reared her own kids and is entitled to be as hands off or on as she wants. You say she doesnt see you stuck so I personally feel your expectations are too high and she seems caring. It sounds like you have a good support network with your oh's family which is very decent.

gg2

BalancedBetty wrote: »

GG2, your mother sounds wonderful and way too nice, in her 60's and helping out with 15 grandchildren? That's an awful lot, IMO.
My Mam is 54 with one grandchild and works one morning a week....:(

She is a pet, she drives me insane at times but I constantly have to remind myself what a great woman she is, she hasn't had an easy life but is always in great form and has a great outlook on life.

So sorry to hear the tragic death of your son. That must have been so hard on you all. I really don't know what else to say...

Is there any way this might have had a deeper impact on your mum than you thought? Would she carry some responsibility for your brother?

Lisha

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you lost your son as you did

Best wishes to you and your family now.

I'm not sure op your story is complex on so many levels and all situations are different.

But here are some of my thoughts if you don't mind
Your mum might fell guilty and too stressed to mind your child now perhaps.
She might just be tired, shd has had her own tragedies in life as well.
Could you look at placing your child in a crèche or play school for a few times a week to give you a break? Edit sorry now I see you mean evening babysitting
Would there be any one local who could help?
My own mother does help by day as needed, but I don't want her tired so I don't ask her to do night baby sitting

I really don't want to be patronising but maybe consider counselling for yourself.
You have experienced what would be unthinkable for most of us. I'm not critiseing you just think we all need to talk to some one at times.

Also you might like to consider editing your op so the details that identify you are removed?
I love being unidentifiable on boards might be better for you too.

I really wish you all the best op and peace to you.

Boards can be a great site, take care

BalancedBetty

I grew up with my Grandmother minding us every day during the summer, along with 7 of my cousins, every year, whilst the parents worked. My Grandmother didn't feel she had finished her job.
Im not expecting all of that!
Just wnated to know if it asking too much of my mother to want to see him and help out.
Obvisouly it was wrong of me to think this
Thanks for your help.

0ph0rce0

You work 3 days a week, and your child is in care Monday to Friday, Theres your time to rest right there.

Your lucky to even get that, most people don't.

Sorry to hear about your son that's terrible and i cant imagine what that's like.


If you were my daughter and you were on the internet giving stick about me not giving you time to rest and looking after your child in all honesty i'd tell you to go **** yourself.

Little harsh i'm sorry but i think someone needs to learn how to start acting like a grown up.

3ndahalfof6

Melion wrote: »

So ask one of your aunts, uncles or cousins to do it. Your mother raised you, she did her job. Your attitude absolutely stinks, she has no obligation to give you a break from YOUR CHILD. You have a husband, why doesn't he give you a break?

You seriously need to look at yourself, it's pathetic to expect your mother to mind your child when you need a break. She didn't force you to get pregnant. But because I'm not agreeing with you, I'm not being helpful. Typical of your attitude displayed in this thread really.

Wrong, just wrong, you do not know how the OP is feeling, she seems to be looking for someone to look or mind or get involved with her sons life who she trusts,

the 1st person she would turn to is her mother, plus I feel she is missing her mother in some way, the OP and her mother have been true a torrid time, she is looking for advise not a baseball beating, it is so easy to be condecending,

I remember the saying now, walk in my shoes for a week then shout.

Melion

BalancedBetty wrote: »

I grew up with my Grandmother minding us every day during the summer, along with 7 of my cousins, every year, whilst the parents worked. My Grandmother didn't feel she had finished her job.
Im not expecting all of that!
Just wnated to know if it asking too much of my mother to want to see him and help out.
Obvisouly it was wrong of me to think this
Thanks for your help.

Come back to us in 20 years when your son is insisting on you minding his kids. Your child is in a creche 5 days, you work 3 days. What do you do for the 3 hours on those 2 days that means you don't get a break?

Melion

3ndahalfof6 wrote: »

Wrong, just wrong, you do not know how the OP is feeling, she seems to be looking for someone to look or mind or get involved with her sons life who she trusts,

the 1st person she would turn to is her mother, plus I feel she is missing her mother in some way, the OP and her mother have been true a torrid time, she is looking for advise not a baseball beating, it is so easy to be condecending,

I remember the saying now, walk in my shoes for a week then shout.

She seems to be looking for an easy life and nothing else, she is coming across as very childish.

dzer2

BalancedBetty wrote: »

Hello;
Im a Newbie and Im having issues with my mother I am married with a two-year-old son. I work 3 days a week and my husband works for himself. I have my little son enrolled in a creche Mon-Fri from 2-5:30pm.
My husband's family will mind our little fella when we're both working and my mother will mind him about once a week, if I need her.
The problem is my mother never offers to take him when Im not working, just to give me a break. She works one morning a week, that's it. She's only 54 and my little son is her only grandson, and will be her only grandson.
Im saddened (and tired!) that she doesn't want to take him a bit more.
Am I wrong in thinking this?

Yes your mother raised her family and now wants to live her life, if you want a break pay some one to mind the child

Lisha

BalancedBetty wrote: »

I grew up with my Grandmother minding us every day during the summer, along with 7 of my cousins, every year, whilst the parents worked. My Grandmother didn't feel she had finished her job.
Im not expecting all of that!
Just wnated to know if it asking too much of my mother to want to see him and help out.
Obvisouly it was wrong of me to think this
Thanks for your help.

Don't take directness as being harsh please

You ll hear things very directly here.

I'm 35 I have 2 kids, my mam is a very young 60 but I feel it's my time to give to her . She does help but only if my kids minder needs time off, for me to work.

3ndahalfof6

Moonbeam wrote: »

I can see this from 2 angles...

The 1st that you are not actually being selfish but just want her to want to take him..
The 2nd is that you think because you look after her to an extent you think she should want to look after your son.

I can not imagination the emotional impact that her son killing her grandson had on her and it maybe related to this.

I think it is very generous that the grandparents look after your child for you while you work and i do hope that you realise this and that they want to really then feel that they have to which is unfair on any grandparent.

The part in bold for me is massive, have they both sat down and talked about it, cried, hugged, cried some more, just to try to find some sort of sense to it all,

I think you hit the nail on the head Moonbeam, well at least 1 of them.

Moonbeam

Folks no issues with you answering the op truthfully but please keep it on topic and keep the harsher opinions to yourselves

Thanks

Awake&Unafraid

BalancedBetty wrote: »

I am only being honest in my fruastration with her over the fact that she only works one morning a week and doesn't help me out more.
She did agree to take my son overnight every week for me, but I found I actually didn't want him gone that often, she did it 3 separate times t fizzled out.

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear about your first son.

On topic though, you seem to be very unreasonable. Your mother took your son overnight a few times but you didn't want him gone, yet now you want her to drop her own life to mind your son, even though you're afraid she might have some form of mental illness?

Also you mentioned something about never getting to go out? Nobody forced you to get pregnant (as far as I'm aware) and obviously with having a kid you have to make certain sacrifices.
You said your mother took your son for a few nights overnight but you didn't want him gone then (which doesnt make a bit of sense tbh) Maybe you could try arranging something with another family member or friend to mind your son every once in a while so you can get to go out? Or yknow hire a babysitter if you really want to go out that much?

I don't think it would be fair on your mother to be taking your son whenever you feel like it. Like many people have already said, she has her own life.

Melion

Could a mod explain why posts are being deleted?

Moonbeam

yes, because they were pointless and off topic

Melion

Moonbeam wrote: »

yes, because they were pointless and off topic

Because they disagreed with the OP, understood.

January

Melion wrote: »

Because they disagreed with the OP, understood.

Melion, you know well that if you disagree with a mod decision not to argue with it on thread but to PM the mod in question. Please follow the charter in this regard if you have a problem.

3ndahalfof6

Melion wrote: »

Because they disagreed with the OP, understood.

You do not read to well.

January

3ndahalfof6 wrote: »

You do not read to well.

Please stop arguing on thread, thank you.

Moonbeam

3ndahalfof6 wrote: »

You do not read to well.

how is that on topic?

one more off topic post and the reply will be an infraction.

3ndahalfof6

Moonbeam wrote: »

how is that on topic?

one more off topic post and the reply will be an infraction.

No worries, sorry.

implausible

BalancedBetty wrote: »

I grew up with my Grandmother minding us every day during the summer, along with 7 of my cousins, every year, whilst the parents worked. My Grandmother didn't feel she had finished her job.
Im not expecting all of that!

OP, I think this experience may have left you with very high expectations (whether you realise it or not) of what grandparents should do.

On the other hand, it's not unreasonable to think that a granny should want to spend time with her grandchild.

However, spending time with him and babysitting do not have to be the same thing. Why don't you arrange a time every week where the three of you go and do something together - go to the park, take a walk in the woods, whatever? It sounds like your family is fractured and understandably so after the trauma you all have experienced. There is probably still a lot of hurt, pain and anxiety left. Maybe doing "quality time" together might help repair some of this.

looksee

Totally agree with implausible. I was too far away from my mother for her to babysit my children, but I would not have expected her to do it anyway. She was too busy having a bit of 'me' time in her own life after a life dedicated to the family, and good luck to her.

Now I am not really that close (distance wise) to my own grandchildren, and while I would be happy to do an occasional babysit I would not see myself doing it on a regular, several days a week, basis.

It's entirely your mother's decision for whatever reasons, or none, whether she babysits, and if she is not offering then that is her privilege. It doesn't mean she does not love her grandchildren, or you.

pwurple

Your mother is under no obligation to look after your child. We are lucky enough to live near both sets of parents. Of the 4 grandparents, one of them looks after my child a few of afternoons a week. And I give her some money for it. We visit all of them, and spend time with them together every week, but sole childcare when we are not around is a totally different story.

I wouldn't dream of expecting free childcare from anyone. The responsibility involved is huge. What if something happened while they were minding them? Your mother will be all too aware of that with the other tragedy.

silverharp

some of you are giving the OP a very hard time. All I can say is that it is unfortunate that your mother doesnt want to chip in more. Even though my wife works from home I was really impressed how my mother and MIL couldnt do enough for us. It never came up as an issue with any of my friends so personally I think there is some issue with your mother beyond the fact that she wants to do her own thing. its worth persisting to get to the bottom of it,

Big Bag of Chips

It seems because your own grandmother was very active in your life you expect that of your own mother.

Which is an ok expectation to have, I suppose.. but you need to realise that your mother doesn't have to fill that expectation. She is a different woman, living in a different time to your grandmother.

You say you take care of her... Do you do this because you care about her, or are you only doing it because you expect a trade? Your comment about 'does that mean I don't have to look after her when she gets old' comes across as a bit childish and petty. If I was in need, I would hope my children would look after me because they loved me and wanted to rather than because they were looking for something from me in return. They are small at the moment, I do everything for them.. because they are my kids and I love them.. not because I have my eye on 40 years down the road!

Also the comment about supposing you're never going to go on a night out, is, also childish. Many many many parents with small kids find their social lives severely curtailed once kids arrive.

For whatever reasons your mother doesn't want to babysit. You need to respect that. As another poster rightly pointed out, if you want her to have a relationship with him, it can be done outside of 'babysitting'. You can go for days out together. Spend time together building a special bond.

If having a night out is really that important to you then you need to find a regular reliable babysitter.

I genuinely don't mean to come across as harsh to you, but I think you have an imagined ideal set up in your head, and you need to understand that that is not what you have in real life. It's easy to look at other people and think they have it perfect. Doting grandparents, heavily involved with the kids, almost rearing them in partnership with the parents... And yes, that does happen! But in the huge huge majority of families it doesn't happen. The vast majority of families have the set up you do.

If you would like a babysitter so that you can go out occassionally.. ask a cousin, or neighbour, or aunt etc who you trust.

It's easier in the long run.

Hannibal Smith

what an awful situation...have yourself and your mum spoken about what happened to your eldest son? Have you cleared the air completely about it? Do you think she's concerned about looking after your child after what happened to your eldest?

I wouldn't expect my mother to babysit...so I wouldn't be too concerned about that...but I would wonder is she distancing herself because of what happened

Big Bag of Chips

You also need to remember that your mother lost a son and a grandson.

She may seem alright on the surface, but a trauma like that has to run deep.

CaraMay

Op it's hard for people to take on two years old. They are really full of beans and it takes an awful lot to look after them as you know. My parents help more now as ds is older (15 months) but it tires them out as he is in to everything.

Is it just that you want her to do more or is it that you would like to get a night out now and then? She was willing to take him for a night which is huge but you changed your mind. Maybe she got pd off then?

As you know she is under no obligation to help you but best thing to do is talk to her.

BalancedBetty

Hello to Everyone;
Thank you for all your comments, support and imput,
Happy Mother's Day Also!

Im roasting a chicken and baking a blueberry cake for supper. My Mam's coming. We'll have a nice family day.
XXX

amdublin

BalancedBetty wrote: »

Hello to Everyone;
Thank you for all your comments, support and imput,
Happy Mother's Day Also!

Im roasting a chicken and baking a blueberry cake for supper. My Mam's coming. We'll have a nice family day.
XXX

That sounds lovely BalancedBetty have a nice family day

Melion

Odds on the OP being on here in a few hours saying that her mam didn't show up?

amdublin

Melion wrote: »

Odds on the OP being on here in a few hours saying that her mam didn't show up?

Oh for fricks sake give the girl and her mam a break. If that happens we can talk to the op later. For the moment she is being positive about having a nice day, let her have that.