Can't agree where to live with my partner

Heartache04

Hello, I'm hoping to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation or who are currently in a similar situation.

Myself and my partner met in Dublin over 7 years ago, we have been renting in Dublin ever since. We are both from different counties and both love going home at weekends and are both close to our friends and families at home. We do not want to live in Dublin forever but cannot agree on where to live. We have talked about marriage, kids and building a house.

I have made a big effort and got my head around not living in my home town as I know it means a lot to my partner to be near home and I love him very much. I have put a limit on the distance from my home place which is no more than an hour from home. So that means he would be no longer than 20- 30mins from his home.

He is now saying he doesn't like the town that we had agreed on and wants to just live in his home county. I'm finding this very upsetting as I have made a big compromise and want him to meet me with the compromise.

I have explained that I can't just give in as I will be unhappy and will be even further from my family. He doesn't seem to take this on board.

I just can't understand his thinking. I feel that the town you settle in may not be perfect but that it is what you make it and the most important thing will be our family and friends when we settle and we will be nearer his family but i will also not be too far from mine which i would be happy with. Work is also important and this will be ok for him however I will have to apply for a transfer with my work which I am happy to do to make a life in this new place.

Can anyone help or offer advice or personal experiences as I am extremely worried what is going to happen?

smash

Heartache04 wrote: »

I have made a big effort and got my head around not living in my home town as I know it means a lot to my partner to be near home and I love him very much. I have put a limit on the distance from my home place which is no more than an hour from home. So that means he would be no longer than 20- 30mins from his home.

He is now saying he doesn't like the town that we had agreed on and wants to just live in his home county. I'm finding this very upsetting as I have made a big compromise and want him to meet me with the compromise.

A compromise has to be made and it sounds like he has a better deal at the moment being closer to his home than you are. I think it's very selfish of him to want to move even closer again. After 7 years in Dublin you'd think he'd be used to having to travel home at this stage.

Heartache04

smash wrote: »

A compromise has to be made and it sounds like he has a better deal at the moment being closer to his home than you are. I think it's very selfish of him to want to move even closer again. After 7 years in Dublin you'd think he'd be used to having to travel home at this stage.

Thank you for reply its good to hear what others think. I just don't understand why he can't make this compromise as he will only be on the border of his own county and will be 30min max from all the people and things that he is familiar with. Wheras I will be an hour which I have accepted and am happy with but any more than that will be too much travel if we have kids ect. I'm just worried that this is make or break and I'm worried it will break us and don't want that as I love him and want my future to be with him.!

ronjo

My personal opinion is that it would be better to live in one of the family towns.

Living midway (or even closer to his town) to me is a compromise that doesnt achieve anything really. If you move to his place (or him to yours) then at least you will have family support right on your door steps.

I know it will add time to driving distance one way but it would be my preference.

smash

ronjo wrote: »

My personal opinion is that it would be better to live in one of the family towns.

She doesn't want to be further from her family, he's fairly close to his but he still wants to be closer. It's just selfish of him to not consider her wants.

ronjo

smash wrote: »

She doesn't want to be further from her family, he's fairly close to his but he still wants to be closer. It's just selfish of him to not consider her wants.

Yes I know but this is my advice for what its worth.
Its up to the OP to take it on board or not.

Heartache04

ronjo wrote: »

My personal opinion is that it would be better to live in one of the family towns.

Living midway (or even closer to his town) to me is a compromise that doesnt achieve anything really. If you move to his place (or him to yours) then at least you will have family support right on your door steps.

I know it will add time to driving distance one way but it would be my preference.

Thanks for your reply. I know what you are saying and family support is very important esp when you have children. But his parents are close (eg withing 20-25mins drive) which is not a big thing for them as they travel 25min to nearest town as they live in rural area. I don't think it would be a problem travel wise. But the extra half hour would make a big difference on my journey to see my family and for them to visit us also (the roads are mainly rural and not good) 😔 I'm just very upset and confused. I feel I will loose touch with everyone that mean so much to me. Don't get me wrong I'm close to his family and his friends have become my friends too. But feel if I don't give in to him I will loose him! 😔

ronjo

Heartache04 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I know what you are saying and family support is very important esp when you have children. But his parents are close (eg withing 20-25mins drive) which is not a big thing for them as they travel 25min to nearest town as they live in rural area. I don't think it would be a problem travel wise. But the extra half hour would make a big difference on my journey to see my family and for them to visit us also (the roads are mainly rural and not good) 😔 I'm just very upset and confused. I feel I will loose touch with everyone that mean so much to me. Don't get me wrong I'm close to his family and his friends have become my friends too. But feel if I don't give in to him I will loose him! 😔

Ok and best of luck.
For the record I do think he is being selfish not taking your feelings into consideration.
You could always tell him that if you move closer to his place then your parents will have to stay over every time they visit due to the length of the journey. He may change his tune then

sffc

"But feel if I don't give in to him I will loose him! "

Why is it you feel this way but he doesn't ?

Hope I'm wrong but this doesn't bode well for the future . Where the two of you live and raise a family is a decision that will affect your daily life day in, day out for years to come . You both will be constantly reminded of this decision .Problems which inevitably arise due to it will cause tensions . This may be the start of a pattern with you being the junior partner in the relationship . You had a compromise , a more than fair one where you were an hour away and he was half that . Make him stick to it !

Heartache04

sffc wrote: »

"But feel if I don't give in to him I will loose him! "

Why is it you feel this way but he doesn't ?

Hope I'm wrong but this doesn't bode well for the future . Where the two of you live and raise a family is a decision that will affect your daily life day in, day out for years to come . You both will be constantly reminded of this decision .Problems which inevitably arise due to it will cause tensions . This may be the start of a pattern with you being the junior partner in the relationship . You had a compromise , a more than fair one where you were an hour away and he was half that . Make him stick to it !

Thank you for that! I think your right, he needs to stick to what we agreed as I have made a big compromise for him. I need to talk to him further about this as you are right... If he wants it all his way our relationship cannot sustain this ... I will live a miserable life if I have to stay quiet and go along with him and his plans all the time. Maybe it's better to do a "make or break" now rather than letting things go to far.... Even tho I think I will fall apart without him he is my best friend and we have spent so many good times together.

sffc

Best friends compromise, not dictate.

Heartache04

sffc wrote: »

Best friends compromise, not dictate.

That is very true!

ronjo

What did he actually say when you said it would make you unhappy?

Heartache04

ronjo wrote: »

What did he actually say when you said it would make you unhappy?

He said it would make him unhappy to live in the place we had agreed but understands it won't make me happy if we live in his home town....

im confused again

If it's the particular town/village that you have chosen that he doesn't like, is it possible to pick another town/village that is similar distance to both your families, one he might prefer than the one you have picked.

I can see an advantage to living close to one family or the other for support when raising your kids. However that cannot happen in this case and in fairness you are comprimising more than he is. 20-30 minutes is nothing for him to visit his family and friends. An hour for you is already a lot more and an extra 30 minutes on top of that would make a big differance, I totally agree.

I'd be concerned at his lack of consideration for your feelings. He is your best friend and you love him but he should recognise your needs.

Stick to your guns. There will be lots of compromise required in a marriage and you can't give in every time.

Heartache04

im confused again wrote: »

If it's the particular town/village that you have chosen that he doesn't like, is it possible to pick another town/village that is similar distance to both your families, one he might prefer than the one you have picked.

I can see an advantage to living close to one family or the other for support when raising your kids. However that cannot happen in this case and in fairness you are comprimising more than he is. 20-30 minutes is nothing for him to visit his family and friends. An hour for you is already a lot more and an extra 30 minutes on top of that would make a big differance, I totally agree.

I'd be concerned at his lack of consideration for your feelings. He is your best friend and you love him but he should recognise your needs.

Stick to your guns. There will be lots of compromise required in a marriage and you can't give in every time.

There is a good sizeable area which we can choose from and I'm flexible give or take 5-10 minutes! I've left it open and all I care is that it's a good site to build on and around and hour drive from home.

I am concerned too about his lack of thought about my feelings and I'm beginning to worry that he might not feel that I'm worth making the sacrifice for... After all the years together I'm so upset to think that.

ifElseThen

Pick the closest town that meets your needs(childcare, schools, shopping etc etc) halfway between both your family homes and relative to where you will be working.
That way, you both have family support close by.
Say his parents minded your children but couldn't one particular day, then it's the same distance to your own parent's house.
Also, at some point in the future, both your immediate families will not be around through death, people moving out etc., but you will still be in the same spot.

If he can't see the double standard in asking you to move further from yours so he can be closer to his, then you'll have to spell it out for him.

Heartache04

ifElseThen wrote: »

Pick the closest town that meets your needs(childcare, schools, shopping etc etc) halfway between both your family homes and relative to where you will be working.
That way, you both have family support close by.
Say his parents minded your children but couldn't one particular day, then it's the same distance to your own parent's house.
Also, at some point in the future, both your immediate families will not be around through death, people moving out etc., but you will still be in the same spot.

If he can't see the double standard in asking you to move further from yours so he can be closer to his, then you'll have to spell it out for him.

To be honest living half way wouldn't work as we wouldn't be near either family and basically would be living in the middle of no where with no support so the county we have picked is nearer his family and friends and will be handy for work. It's also near shops, schools ect. But also means there is a good road that will get me home in one hour. So he just needs to accept that it's not where he grew up but a home is what you make it and he will have the best of both worlds as he is near his home town.

kylith

Have you asked him why he is so insistent about moving closer to his family when he knows that it will leave you further from yours?

meeeeh

Whatever you decide, rent first in the area to see if it suits you both. Maybe try in the area you originally chose if you can't agree and then move if needed. I definitely wouldn't buy straight away and be stuck in a place one of you or both dislike. After a while you will be able to judge how the location suits you. You might have to move around a bit but it would be better now than later with children.

From personal experience I find having grandparents nearby great. I moved country to be with my partner and I find the support his family offers us great. My parents visit us couple times per year and we travel usually twice per year and I find it perfectly ok. Living somewhere inbetween isn't exactly great especially if you don't have many friends in the neighbourhood. And it is harder to make friends when you are older.

Edit: in this situation compromise might be the worst option because it could make you both miserable. It is more important to take into consideration your interests, how you spend your free time, commute times when you'll have young children... Just picking location based on how far away from your families you'll be could be way too narrow criteria.

Heartache04

kylith wrote: »

Have you asked him why he is so insistent about moving closer to his family when he knows that it will leave you further from yours?

I have asked why and he just keeps saying he doesnt like the county that we had chose to live in. to be honest I think he feels he'll be missing out with friends and family if he lives half hour away. We have gone looking at houses and sites and he said he was excited but after looking for first time he said its a "kip". It's far from a kip it's very similar to where he grew up in terms of amenities. I have tried to explain that it takes to get used to a place.

I'm completely sick with worry.... I think this could really tear us apart ..

Heartache04

meeeeh wrote: »

Whatever you decide, rent first in the area to see if it suits you both. Maybe try in the area you originally chose if you can't agree and then move if needed. I definitely wouldn't buy straight away and be stuck in a place one of you or both dislike. After a while you will be able to judge how the location suits you. You might have to move around a bit but it would be better now than later with children.

From personal experience I find having grandparents nearby great. I moved country to be with my partner and I find the support his family offers us great. My parents visit us couple times per year and we travel usually twice per year and I find it perfectly ok. Living somewhere inbetween isn't exactly great especially if you don't have many friends in the neighbourhood. And it is harder to make friends when you are older.

Edit: in this situation compromise might be the worst option because it could make you both miserable. It is more important to take into consideration your interests, how you spend your free time, commute times when you'll have young children... Just picking location based on how far away from your families you'll be could be way too narrow criteria.

Thank you for that suggestion I think renting first is a good idea. We shouldn't rush into buying. I will suggest this later to him and see if this helps. I agree it's important to near family and his family ate great and would not mind being near them. I can handle being away from family as I have lived away for the past 10 years and have managed fine seeing everyone during weekends. I know my family and friends will come visit me as we are very close. Thank you for your post it has helped a lot. I just hope this helps ease his mind also....

ronjo

meeeeh wrote: »

Whatever you decide, rent first in the area to see if it suits you both. Maybe try in the area you originally chose if you can't agree and then move if needed. I definitely wouldn't buy straight away and be stuck in a place one of you or both dislike. After a while you will be able to judge how the location suits you. You might have to move around a bit but it would be better now than later with children.

From personal experience I find having grandparents nearby great. I moved country to be with my partner and I find the support his family offers us great. My parents visit us couple times per year and we travel usually twice per year and I find it perfectly ok. Living somewhere inbetween isn't exactly great especially if you don't have many friends in the neighbourhood. And it is harder to make friends when you are older.

Edit: in this situation compromise might be the worst option because it could make you both miserable. It is more important to take into consideration your interests, how you spend your free time, commute times when you'll have young children... Just picking location based on how far away from your families you'll be could be way too narrow criteria.

I am in a similar position to meeeeh having moved countries to be with my wife in her country and this is the point I was trying to make earlier.

lazygal

My two cents.

If you move to his home town life will be on his terms. His family, his mates, his local, his GAA team (or other sport), the school he went to, his secondary school - I've seen this happen. I personally wouldn't be happy living in a town I had no connection to but my partner grew up in. I feel its just too suffocating. I would feel he's expecting me to do all the fitting in while he just rejoins his former life. You say you're planning on getting married-will he veto where you get married because he likes his home town church/hotel so much he can't imagine anywhere else being good enough?

He says he feels like he'll be 'missing out' living away from his home town. Has he asked how you'll feel 'missing out' by moving into where he grew up? Has he suggested any other locations, or is he insistent on where you live? TBH its a red flag for me if someone doesn't want to compromise, especially on something that'll affect you more than him. Let's face it, its harder to move into an area where your partner can simply pick up where he left off leaving you as the blow in rather than living somewhere you've both decided on.

Big Bag of Chips

Is he a big GAA fan? Is that why the county is so important to him? Is the neighbouring county that you have decided on a 'rival' county or something?

I can sort of understand why he wants to live in his home county, but at the same time I don't like his logic that 'he knows you'll be upset if you live further from your home town.. but he will be upset if he lives far from his home town'.

By saying that he is telling you it's ok for you to be upset in the relationship, but not him.

You need to ask him why he thinks this, and why he thinks you should be the one to make all the compromise while he makes none.

Lorna123

It could be that your O/H knows that area better than you as he grew up close by and knows that he doesn't like it for whatever reason and never liked it. So he can't bear the thoughts of living in it. You think you would like it because you don't know it. Probably best to pick somewhere different that has more going for it. Neither of your families will be around forever so the area itself is more important than being close to relatives.

tinkerbell

OP, every relationship is about compromise. Your boyfriend is being a selfish twat. He is only thinking of himself. There comes a time when you have to stand on your own two feet and cut the apron strings and live in an area that may not be your home town. Even if you moved closer to be near his family to be just down the road from them like your boyfriend wants, do you really want your in-laws right on your doorstep who can pop in every day unannounced, possibly interfering with your daily life and if you have children, dictating how they should be brought up? 20-30 min is a nice distance to be "close enough" but not too close.

Yes it is handy having grandparents about when you have kids but if you're choosing to have kids, you should be doing it with the view that you are responsible for the kids, not that you could get the grandparents to mind them regularly (not saying "you" as in "you personally" but more addressing the idea that it should be the dealbreaker in deciding whether to live closer to his parents. There are so many people who live in a big city and parents live in the country who do not have the support of grandparents living close by to babysit now and again. You just get on with it so your boyfriend needs to cop onto himself. He's being a bit childish in my opinion. If this is how it's gonna be for every aspect of your relationship, you both need to have a serious discussion about your ideas for the future.

Heartache04

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Is he a big GAA fan? Is that why the county is so important to him? Is the neighbouring county that you have decided on a 'rival' county or something?

I can sort of understand why he wants to live in his home county, but at the same time I don't like his logic that 'he knows you'll be upset if you live further from your home town.. but he will be upset if he lives far from his home town'.

By saying that he is telling you it's ok for you to be upset in the relationship, but not him.

You need to ask him why he thinks this, and why he thinks you should be the one to make all the compromise while he makes none.

He's not a sports fan at all just loves his home place and the town. I'm not being rude but its nothing special and same as any other town in ireland.

To be honest I'm so confused at why he is suddenly so adamant that he won't compromise as he was willing before...

smash

Heartache04 wrote: »

To be honest I'm so confused at why he is suddenly so adamant that he won't compromise as he was willing before...

Sounds like you want a life of your own with him. While in a way, he wants his old life back.

Heartache04

smash wrote: »

Sounds like you want a life of your own with him. While in a way, he wants his old life back.

No I'm very much about my life with family and friend and my partner. i am also close to his family and friends and girlfriend. My friends and his often socialise together .... so that's not wanting a life with just me and him. That's not really helpful.

smash

Heartache04 wrote: »

No I'm very much about my life with family and friend and my partner. i am also close to his family and friends and girlfriend. My friends and his often socialise together .... so that's not wanting a life with just me and him. That's not really helpful.

That's not what I meant, I meant you want a life with him and everything that comes with him, but you also want that life to have your family, and space for your future family to grow. Whereas he wants a life with you, but on his terms, where he grew up and where only his family and friends are being considered.

meeeeh

tinkerbell wrote: »

Yes it is handy having grandparents about when you have kids but if you're choosing to have kids, you should be doing it with the view that you are responsible for the kids, not that you could get the grandparents to mind them regularly (not saying "you" as in "you personally" but more addressing the idea that it should be the dealbreaker in deciding whether to live closer to his parents. There are so many people who live in a big city and parents live in the country who do not have the support of grandparents living close by to babysit now and again. You just get on with it so your boyfriend needs to cop onto himself. He's being a bit childish in my opinion. If this is how it's gonna be for every aspect of your relationship, you both need to have a serious discussion about your ideas for the future.

I ended in hospital three times without previous warning. Once the ambulance had to be called. We were incredibly lucky that bf's parents were around to mind our child. That is the sort of support I'm talking about not free childminding service. Just to be clear.

I know a pair for whom living close to his parents doesn't work. But neither did living half way between. I'm just saying that there are other considerations to think through.

I never felt hard done because I had to move, I do sometimes though because my bf is a workaholic. There are different aspects that will have to be thought through and work commute could be one. Op, you will know best how much you have to compromise but if after eight years this is the only complaint, you probably have good relationship and it's worth to talk things through and see what are your preferences.

Stavro Mueller

I'm interpreting what Smash said in a slightly different way. My take on it is that he was happy enough to go along with the plan you'd agreed because it was something that was out there as a theory but not a reality. But now that it's starting to become a reality, it has caused him to balk. Perhaps there was always this idea somewhere in the back of his head that he'd be going home to mammy and the family and all that. He might not have even been aware that that was what he wanted until recently. Moving to this new town is going to put an end to this dream of his.

Even though he has been in Dublin for years and has been travelling home, my guess is that he never really settled. Or to look at it a different way, he has never really left his roots. There are still all those ties to home - very strong ties as it turns out. The only thing I an suggest to you is to stick to your guns. I really hope it doesn't cause you to break up. Hopefully if he realizes you're not for turning he might come to terms with what you've agreed in his own head.

Heartache04

Just to update everyone and thank you for the time you took to give advice.

My partner and I came in from work last night and had a big chat. Both of us admitted how upset we both were over this issue but he told me he wanted to work things out as he doesn't want to be without me and sees his future with me. We both agreed not to rush into buying but instead rent (thanks for that suggestion) and see how we like it. We have decided to try an other county next to his which is only an hour from my home town so if that works out we'd be both happy. We are planning to go look at different villages /areas and see what we think. We both said we feel much better after talking things through and the pressure is off to move to a certain place and buy straight away. The other county is much nicer to be honest and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Much better not to rush in to these things!

It's great to hear from others on this issue. Thank you all very much... I may or may not be back on for more advice...

fog arty

Compromise is a 2 way street and he is not compromising. If he is digging in on this what do you think he will be like on other important issues.

Heartache04

fog arty wrote: »

Compromise is a 2 way street and he is not compromising. If he is digging in on this what do you think he will be like on other important issues.

Please see my update above we have had a chat and been honest about everything and he is taking on board my point of view and is looking at areas that are no more than an hour from where I am from. We are both much happier looking at other county as it is beautiful and lots of nice places to chose from. If this works out we will both be happy!

Hi OP
I'm glad things seem to have worked out for you both

If you need more advice in the future please PM to unlock this - in the meantime I'll be closing this

thanks