The Boyfriend Contract / What Women Want / The list of demands

Just Peachy

Hi all,

I'm all grown up, (not a teen) and accept that sometimes men just need to be told. They don't tune into our moods and guess what it is we expect of them. None more so than my own. Which of course leads me to this post. We are seeing each other over 2 years, mostly on weekends. Recently I've been away a lot more, but that will normailise again in another month or so. I may never actually give some version of this to him but who knows maybe I will. I figure it could a more productive approach rather than the "you never even once did xyz last week" type of accusation.... when the frustrations have gotten the better of me. Of course it could also be considered very self indulgent. Your call.
There won't be anything in the list that I wouldn't want to do in return.

The idea behind this thread is to convey the absolute least I expect from him. I'm curious about what your opinions are on my list. and whether you would agree that generally, we as women do want at least this much from our important relationships.

Even before I start I know I will get some "I don't need my birthday or val's day to be recognised" replies. I used to be one of those women too. Now I'm older and questionably wiser, I realise that in fact I do want these gestures. It's important. Not by the measure of the gift but by that old adage... 'it's the thought that counts.'
There may also be some of you tempted to say, "you should try being married for 10 years". My reply to that is... I did... it didn't work... Now I'm dating, I want to feel like I'm dating, not an old unhappy married hag again. I'm really sorry if this is the case for you. I can only say I highly recommend divorce!!


And... In no particular order:

~~~~~
Texts: The very least I expect on at least MOST of the days we don't see each other is a text in the morning to say good morning and a few lines (beyond "night night xxx") at night.

~~~~~
Calls: The very least I expect also on those days is a call every so often.

~~~~~
Birthday: The very least I expect from you for my birthday is to receive both a gift and a card. The gift can be a nice evening meal or a couple of tickets to a gig etc, this is not a monetary thing. But I absolutely expect my birthday to be marked, if not on the day then within a reasonable length of time.

I no longer think, "ah it doesn't matter, I don't want anything..." It does matter. It matters to be appreciated and to feel special to the person who loves you.

~~~~~
Valentine's Day: The very least I expect from you is a card, and a nice evening together in the spirit of loving and caring. AGAIN... on not getting to be together on the date, this gets put on hold for another occasion, rather than cancelled. I want to be romanced.

~~~~~
Several days a week I expect you to express an interest in me. I expect that you will ask me how I am, maybe about the specifics of my day, or how I'm feeling etc.

~~~~~
About once a month I want to feel treated by a little surprise. It could be a bag of sweets or chocolate, or a bottle of wine brought on the days when I'm cooking dinner. Or a bunch of flowers or a single rose. Being thoughtful is all.

~~~~~
Generally, I want to feel cared for and looked after. Being independent doesn't preclude me from needing this from you.

~~~~~
When out together I expect to feel present. Conversation and eye contact included.

~~~~~
When you're out without me, I expect you to 'behave', and a certain amount of effort on your part, because you care about me, in reassuring me that this is the case.

~~~~~
Now and then I want you to meet me at the bus for the walk back or to walk me to the bus (or my cay) when I'm leaving. Given I hardly ever fail to do this when the roles are reversed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think that is the list. Being a woman I'm sure I could add more to it given enough time.

So what do you think? Is this the absolute minimum you would want from your significant other?

pwurple

If I got or gave a list like that to/from my partner I would expect offense.

What kind of moron needs that level of instruction?

Hermione*

MOD NOTE:

Please attack the post, and not the poster, or the thread will be locked.

The OP has said that she may never discuss this with her BF. The thread is about expectations from a relationship, be they implicit or explicit, as I read it.

O/T posts have been and will be deleted.

Hermione*

Newaglish

Do you get a list of patronising instructions too?

dark crystal

Will you accept his list of instructions for you too?

If you go in to a relationship expecting X,Y and Z, don't be surprised if it fails. A lasting relationship isn't about rules, it's about give and take, compromise and respect.

greenman09

Can't believe what I just read. If I was given those lists or demands she'd be told where to go.

The J Stands for Jay

pwurple wrote: »

If I got or gave a list like that to/from my partner I would expect offense.

What kind of moron needs that level of instruction?

I think it's reasonable to discuss expectations, you can't assume that two people can magically know what each other want. But I wouldn't be happy just being handed a list of demands.

Legs.Eleven

I'm a woman and I don't get why some women expect men to do all the running around for us. Love and relationships should be equal. Why should we be spoiled more than them? I don't feel comfortable with it. It gives the idea that we aren't equals, that women needed to be "buttered up" to keep us happy with disingenuous token of "love" that we have demanded off of them and not because they wanted to give them to us out of any sincerity or heartfelt desire. I would never demand a man to treat me like a precious flower.

If the man didn't treat me with respect and love, I'd dump him and not demand it off him. I'd expect him to do the same. Romantic love is conditional and it's nothing like Hollywood. Love is shown in a million other different ways and rarely through these material gestures that some women instruct them to deliver.

Wouldn't you rather he did something that meant something to him than something you instructed him to do? Where's the sense in that?


I see some people I know in relationships demanding so much from their boyfriends but don't deliver themselves. If you're unhappy with that person, end it before you make yourself and him miserable.

super_furry

If you have to lay out a list of relationship demands in order to feel fulfilled in that relationship, I'd suggest its already in trouble.

General Relativity

Just Peachy wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm all grown up, (not a teen) and accept that sometimes men just need to be told. They don't tune into our moods and guess what it is we expect of them.

All men receive a B.sc in behavioural psychology when we turn 15. Also, we can read minds, on top of all being the same and all acting the same. Some of us can even preform gypsie curses. :eek:

So what do you think? Is this the absolute minimum you would want from your significant other?

To be able to think for herself.

Asbury Park

This thread has to be a wind up.

clairefontaine

This reminds me of a boards charter.

Is this how much internet reality has obscured three dimensional life?

The danger of you putting this out there on the table, is what will come back, with his expectations, which may be very different from yours, and could include things like sexual favours and cooking for him five times a week.

strobe

Surely the nice thing about getting a single rose about once a month or a nice couple of texts on the days you don't see him etc etc... is that he does those things of his own volition. Doesn't it basically take away massively from these gestures if he is made feel like he is working through a check list of chores (I really can't see some thing like this feeling any other way to anyone even if they would have done them anyway before such a list) in order to stop someone whinging?
It'd be like someone only telling you they love you whenever you say "say you love me."

I presume you're being largely facetious OP but if not you'd never seriously want to consider doing something like the above, for numerous reasons as well as the ones above.

Sonics2k

The problem with 'expecting' things like this, is that they will inevitably end up being done not out of love or kindness, rather to prevent complaints and fights.

Never expect affection and all you beg for to be happy, because you will n very be happy.

Treating anyone in such a way will only end in bitter disappointment.

My Ex had a similar list to the Op, and by the end it more felt like I self these things to shut her up rather than out of love like it had started.

Hermione*

After discussion, the mods don't see this thread as having a good future.

Thread therefore locked.