Kids ruining relationship

KwackerJack

So I am with my Fiancée 4 years. She has two boys of 7 and 11 and we have one 13 month old boy together.

The two older boys spent most of there time with her mother as she then had a part-time job and was in college. The tow boys always got what they wanted as a result!

Meeting her for the first time I noticed how her mother, sister and herself ran when the kids clicked their fingers,Thinking to myself I would have gotten a good slap for demanding anything when I was younger.

One instance when the older chiuld was eating his dinner he simply lifted his head and said 'drink' to which all 3 above ran like wolves to the fridge.

No I know kids can be 'kids' but I found that completely disrespectful and rude!!

So the problem now which has been going on approximately 2 and half years is that the two boys are becoming increasingly snappy,ignorant,bossy, and generally cheeky.

And why? Because now they have to conform to basic house rules like getting washed in the morning, cleaning their rooms and just being good in general. I had to show them at the ages of 5 and 9 how to properly wash there face and brush their teeth??? All because the granny simply let them have to run of the house so getting washed was a chore not a daily basic..!

Mt partner is way to soft with them, I will punish then or remove a toy and she will give it straight back, leaving me looking like s total plank!

She would be at times giving out to them only for me to step in and her to tell me all is well and nothing is going on?? I must be hearing arguments in my head so??

When asked to tidy there rooms this morning there response was well I don't want to so you can do it like you did last week.....! I was fuming but when I confronted her she said nothing was wrong and they would clean there rooms after school?? Another imaginary argument :rolleyes:

Both kids will start the I hate you, your not my daddy crap to which I usually reply 'your in my house and my rules are final' but then it escalates to both kids threatening me with social services ( thanks top granny on the phone, which has now stopped)

If I tell them I will ground them its ' yea good gwon then sure I don't care' then its door banging and throwing things about. Remember these are 7 and 11!!

So im fighting a battle by working 60/80 hours a week then to come home to two demons who explode when things don't go their own way all why I try to teach my son the basics of respect and manners!!!

I know some will say there kids blaa blaa but my life is turmoil with children that are not mine and in my house???

My partner is useless when it comes's to dealing with them, I came in one day to find him swinging his baseball bat at her because his xbox froze and she could not fix it??? My new saw came into good affect that day!

So im at a stage now where she gets them to a behaviour specialist or were done full stop!!

Her sister's and brother thought they were angles until they stayed over the Christmas, now they refuse to let them stay with then after the witnessed there carry on!

But my folks and all our friends still think there 'lovely kids'...My 13 month old boy has more manners and respect and that is no lie or joke!! He will say please and thanks and for a 13 moth old he is fantastic and is always doing what is asked as far as a baby goes!!

I will be informing social services if I move out as in fear my own child will get sucked into their little world, but even though I am the registered father my say will probably go a miss.

So am I over reacting or do I really have to put up with this in my own home from kids who I have no relation to what so ever????

KwackerJack

KwackerJack wrote: »

I will be informing social services if I move out as in fear my own child will get sucked into their little world, but even though I am the registered father my say will probably go a miss.

So am I over reacting or do I really have to put up with this in my own home from kids who I have no relation to what so ever????

Well, OP, maybe there is some resentment as it's all "her kids vs mine". Nobody expects you to pretend to be their biological father but after 4 years and being engaged, you seem to view them still as "someone else's kids in my house". They're your fiancee's kids. It's you and your fiancee's home, not your home with a bunch of tenants or strangers.
I don't think you're overreacting, but perhaps the two of you need to take a step back and discuss this, possibly with a couple counsellor. There seems to be a massive breakdown in communication between the two of you. I'm not trying to pin this on you, I just think the problems you set out with her spoiling of them is clear enough already, so this is another thing to consider.

If you do move out and fear for your son's safety, I would suggest bringing him with you if you can

RossFixxxed

Ahhhhh I don't know exactly what it is about your post, but 99.9% of the time I'd advise temperance and having a chat about it. THIS time however, I would personally be running to the hills tbh.

If she's allowing this level of things it doesn't reflect well on her, and she seems not to have much respect for you trying to help dicipline those little punks. Your son is being exposed to this crap all the time too.

I'd take my son and move out. That blunt.

You should sit down, of course, and have a very serious convesation with your fiance and see is there a middle ground. That said, if it was my son he would be out of there immediately. It's hard enough raising a kid without little douche bags ruining it for you.

Sorry I don't have a great solution. You aren't over reacting, IMHO, you are under reacting.

KwackerJack

I don't see them as tenants....I am the sole earner and I'm not expecting royalty treatment but I do expect to be able to relax in my own house without having to battle with 2 young kids...is that not a fair expectation?

As far as taking my own son well the mother has the rights and it stops there really :mad:

The "someone else's kids in my house" is simply because I treat people the way they treat me, Yes they are kids but kids need to learn that in the real world is not all happy go lucky!

They see me as an obstacle and my partner as the easy touch. I treat them as my own when there are good but that is a very rare moment!!

Take today for instance! The eldest left his jacket on the kitchen floor so I asked him to hang it up, He leaves the living room, walks into the kitchen and forgets what he was asked to do ( another big problem also, lack of short term memory) When I asked him what did I say he looked at me like I asked him to solve world hunger?

Do kids forget something in the space of 15/20 steps...this happens on a regular basis. So when we finally got through the memory loss he starts moaning that he will miss his program which is on pause and can he hang it up later No I said, do it now to which came ' I always have to do something and never get to watch tv'

Now the jacket issue happens every single school day..as does the I lost my lunch box as I put it in my back and I'm to lazy to look!

I don't no if it is pure laziness or pure ignorance but its also a regular thing.

We have sat down and talked to each other and the kids father who I get on very well with. But my partner will always back down and the kids trample all over her!

The father has on several occasion sent the kids home because he simply cant cope with there tantrums when he refuses to give in.


He spent over €400 before Christmas bringing the here there and every where and the eldest went ballistic because he was told to go to bed when he wanted to play his xbox....needless to say they haven't been away with him since!!

I'm the one who will not give the kids 'space' to be kids...there is space for childhood and then there is 2 kids acting like adults but acted shocked when their punished??

Even after big arguments the really don't seem to see the bother they have caused with the eldest sometimes not even remembering a serious argument?? I don't think it is out on as he genuinely looks lost??

The reason contact was cut with her mother is because after looking at his phone we seen her messages saying to the eldest that he is old enough (11) to make his own decisions :mad:???

Is she on drugs or what???

Boombastic

The biggest problem here is not the children, but you partner. You need to sit down with her and explain how this is affecting you. Draw up rules for the household. You must both agree to support and back up each other. Otherwise you will be banging you head against a brick wall and should consider if you can do this until the children are old enough and leave home.

KwackerJack

I have done all that but to know avail.! I have spent days saying nothing and the just kids run riot....The kids know exactly what they are doing so its not just her.

When I say this has to stop and I can't cope with the kids all I get is well I come as a package :rolleyes:

Boombastic

KwackerJack wrote: »

I have done all that but to know avail.! I have spent days saying nothing and the just kids run riot....The kids know exactly what they are doing so its not just her.

When I say this has to stop and I can't cope with the kids all I get is well I come as a package :rolleyes:

The kids know what they are doing, but they also know that they will get away with it because your partner won't back you up.

It seems they have little respect for you

smash

You say it's been going on for 2.5 years, yet you're with her 4 years. Sit them all down and ask what happened.

Roselm

KwackerJack wrote: »

As far as taking my own son well the mother has the rights and it stops there really :mad:

The "someone else's kids in my house" is simply because I treat people the way they treat me, Yes they are kids but kids need to learn that in the real world is not all happy go lucky!

They see me as an obstacle and my partner as the easy touch. I treat them as my own when there are good but that is a very rare moment!!

Take today for instance! The eldest left his jacket on the kitchen floor so I asked him to hang it up, He leaves the living room, walks into the kitchen and forgets what he was asked to do ( another big problem also, lack of short term memory) When I asked him what did I say he looked at me like I asked him to solve world hunger?

Do kids forget something in the space of 15/20 steps...this happens on a regular basis. So when we finally got through the memory loss he starts moaning that he will miss his program

You know you could apply to be a legal guardian for your son and then youd have a say in where he lives etc.

Is it possible the kids have actual memory/organisation difficulties?! Obviously still not an excuse for rudeness tho!

KwackerJack

smash wrote: »

You say it's been going on for 2.5 years, yet you're with her 4 years. Sit them all down and ask what happened.

Iv'e been fighting them 2.5 years but I've enough at this stage!

Roselm wrote: »

You know you could apply to be a legal guardian for your son and then youd have a say in where he lives etc.

I asked her to sign the form she said NO....looks like court!!!

Is it possible the kids have actual memory/organisation difficulties?! Obviously still not an excuse for rudeness tho!

Most definitely..there is know way they can forget stuff so quick and sometimes within seconds??

Maybe and attention span problem??

We are waiting on an appointment with as behaviour specialist but god knows how long that will take

meoklmrk91

The kids are playing divide and conquer, and it's working because your partner is letting them win. They know that she will let them have want, in fairness you wvannot blame the kids, they are simply doing what they were taught. I'm not admonishing but it seems to come across in your posts that you almost think that the kids are doing this on purpose to get under people's skin, especially the older one, I can assure you that is not the case, they are used to getting their own way, and have been enabled my everyone, their mother, aunt and grandmother, so they will do whatever they have to and have no interest in anything that happens because of them as long as they get their way. They have devised a strategy and it seems to work very well for them, why would they stop?


Your partner by lying for them in arguments is demostrsting almost that you are the bad guy and that she feels the need to protect her kids from you, have you asked her why? I don't mean anything by that only what was stated.

Also the kids father shouldn't be withholding access because the eldest three a tantrum, he is their father and should love them unconditionally and shouldn't stop seeing them just because they didn't behave the way that he wants them to. They need structure and both their parents in their lives.

You need to sit down with your partner and tell her how bad things have gotten for you that you are thinking of leaving. You both need to be on the same page when it comes to the children and how you disipline. She needs to realise that they have to be brought under control, otherwise the real hell will start during the teenage years. The 11 year old throwing tantrums and threatening his mother with a baseball bat shows that he has zero control over his emotions, that will be a lot more dangerous when he is 15 and he doesn't get what he wants.

Abi

Firstly, it seems like there's a split in the camp when it comes to parenting. Let me tell you kids pick up on this and you will lose the battle unless this is dealt with, you can only imagine the teenage years to follow.

You said you've spoken to your partner, but she has to understand the severity of the parenting problem here. There is conflicting parenting coming from either side, and the kids are running amok, and you'll have to drive home how it is effecting your relationship to make her listen.

Now, some of the examples of what you said the children are saying are out of order, and your partners loose views on parenting is being reinforced by her family. You need to tell her they should butt out.

It sounds like you're doing a good job with your son, and well done. However, and if you think about it, your son will appear to be the favourite to you as her sons are concerned, and most of your interactions are negative ones with them. I'm sure you do try your best with them, but kids being kids they push buttons to get their way and you're made to look the bad guy.

You have 3 young children in that house, it was always going to be a bit of a challenge.

As I said above its time to let your partner know it can't go on or it will ruin what you have together. I'm afraid that maybe you've only mentioned the bit about the kids being unruly and perhaps not what it's doing to you both.

December2012

Steve buddulph was on the radio ray darcy recently, an Australian child psychologist. He was saying that around 10 and 11 children do naturally revert to toddlerhood somewhat, it's to do with their brains and hormones and physical changes.

I find David Coleman has good family advice too.

Do you love these kids?

Your own children will be rude and lazy and obnoxious and little shts from time to time.

How respectful are you to your fiancée about her parenting?

Why don't you both go and talk to a therapist - you're already planning how to leave and break up the family again. Stop. Take a breath. And get an expert to help you through this phase.

IrishEyes19

Abi wrote: »

Firstly, it seems like there's a split in the camp when it comes to parenting. Let me tell you kids pick up on this and you will lose the battle unless this is dealt with, you can only imagine the teenage years to follow.

You said you've spoken to your partner, but she has to understand the severity of the parenting problem here. There is conflicting parenting coming from either side, and the kids are running amok, and you'll have to drive home how it is effecting your relationship to make her listen.

Now, some of the examples of what you said the children are saying are out of order, and your partners loose views on parenting is being reinforced by her family. You need to tell her they should butt out.

It sounds like you're doing a good job with your son, and well done. However, and if you think about it, your son will appear to be the favourite to you as her sons are concerned, and most of your interactions are negative ones with them. I'm sure you do try your best with them, but kids being kids they push buttons to get their way and you're made to look the bad guy.

You have 3 young children in that house, it was always going to be a bit of a challenge.

As I said above its time to let your partner know it can't go on or it will ruin what you have together. I'm afraid that maybe you've only mentioned the bit about the kids being unruly and perhaps not what it's doing to you both.

i agree with this.

Speak to your partner. not the kids. im sorry but they are children who prob dont like the change on their lives and if you create a "its my house" rule from the start how do you expect them to treat you or respect you. yes they need manners. Therapy no. their mam needs to have a good chat with them. and you need to see them as more than your partners kids. Include them more. do things with them. your kid is their sibling. Dont enable a division between you and them. your a family now. sit your partner down tonight

KwackerJack

I do try spend time with them but its always ' this is stupid or Im missing the football'

I'm gone blue in the face talking to my partner but like the kids its in one ear and out the next......

At the end of the day I am not their father so I cannot punish then like I could my own.

I would not in hell raise a bat to my father even now never mind at 11.....I would have the living **** bet out of me!!

There never slapped at all and to be honest a good slap will give the a shock!!

Never done me any harm....I've a good job and plenty to show for it!!

Eldest lad wants to be a vet yet its the xbox or tv 24/7......showed him some veterinary stuff on-line only to find the print-outs crinkled under the bed :rolleyes:

Even home work sentences are handed to mammy while they watch tv....at 11 he cant make up a sentence out of words and thats ridiculous....I've talked to her a million times and the teachers but I may as well be talking to the wall.

Teacher said they are doing fine but have moments where there just go blank and when asked a question they instantly change the subject to baseball or some other ****e???

Mention tv, xbox, airsoft and its remembered for weeks, mention a treat for being good and its forgotten before they leaves the room.

How can you work with all that when all they want is there own way.

Magicmatilda

You say you trying doing things with them, have you tried doing things they enjoy with them? Like watching the football? Instead of computer print outs of vet stuff maybe bring him to a farm to see animals and stuff, maybe spending one to one time with each one might help, if nothing else you will only be dealing with one of them.

They do sound spoiled in ways and their mother obviously does not command their respect but this is her responsibility and not theirs. Also though, how much experience did you have with children before this? The thing with the coat, it's not unusual behaviour for a kid, it's not right and it needs to be pushed, as in making him pick up the coat, but it's also pretty standard boundary setting stuff. This is how we learn, remember they are kids they do not automatically know stuff until people teach them, no one has. It's sounds like you do not like them and this will show. Is there anything you like about them at all? If so try and focus on that when dealing with them, especially when you don't want to, it may help as they are going to be more willing to listen if they feel liked.

I thinks it's telling that your thread is called kids ruining the relationship, it sounds more like their mother is. Unless you can agree on a parenting strategy this relationship sounds doomed to failure. I think relationship therapy may very well be he place to try and hammer out that strategy. If she is not willing then I can't see how the relationship could work.

As for your own son, apply for legal guardianship, it will help you if things do go wrong.

Goldenlady

Hi OP,

I completely understand your situation (Except I didnt have a child with my partner) but I understand the frustration that you are feeling. My ex partners kids were 10 & 11 when I met him and they ran rings around him (Still do now at 19 & 20). I put up with it for years, and eventually I fell into almost running around after them too.... easier than the arguments, but I didnt like what I became.
I was brought up in a household where we had to be very respectful to everyone and not make demands. If we wanted something, we got it our selves. Dont get me wrong I had a great childhood and I believe it certainly made me a better person today. BUT my ex was so soft with them, they were always getting money etc so much so he stopped telling me when he was giving them things cos it would cause an argument.
I couldnt cope with it any longer (Not main reason for breaking up but certainly a factor)...... I felt these kids had a sense of entitlement and I always said if we had a child I would rear the child very differently which again would cause an argument about judging his parenting skills! To this day two two younger dont have part time jobs.... never did.... its a joke. I was made work at 16 and have done so since, part time through college and full time for last number of years.
My best advice, if it makes you really unhappy walk away. It seems to have completely affected your relationship, there is no fun dreading coming home and having to walk around and say thing through gritted teeth!. If you love your partner, perhaps ye can work it out together. Sorry not much help, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

GL

ah for gods sake op, they are very young kids.
cant imagine id be too interested in computer print outs when i was 11 either!!
he will probably change his mind a million times before he leaves school.

you really do seem to have a big divide in your head between 'her kids' and your kid together. children are not stupid they can pick up on things very easily. if your giving them the whole 'this is my house, do as i say' attitude than i cant blame them if they dont feel 100% comfortable.

they probably feel like, ' i live in my mams boyfriends house, they have their own kid' im sure they feel a little bit outcast, maybe they feel like its not really their home.

if you feel like its not their home than my advise to you would be to stop this relationship, and have your own house to yourself. obviously you wouldnt want your fiance there seeing as she had the kids when you meet her!!

maybe try to treat these children the way you would want you own child to be treated given different circumstances.

Boombastic

I don't read it as his children vs versus her children.

rainbowtrout

My god, I'm amazed at some of the flak the OP is taking on this. I agree with everything he says.

The children are brats and their mother is the root of the problem. I'm a teacher and see kids like this in school the whole time, they are not suffering from ADHD or a myriad of other things. They just have no discipline in their lives. Their parent(s) have never said no to them in their whole lives, they don't want to play the big bad wolf to their children as as a result have raised lazy, selfish, unmotivated brats.

OP, I think you need to sit down with your partner and have a serious talk about this situation. No child should be ordering their mother around like she's a skivvy or screaming blue murder because their xbox doesn't work. She has to come on board if you want this to work. Secondary school/ teenage years are going to be hell if this isn't sorted now.

Big Bag of Chips

OP as a parent we will always be more tolerant of our own kids than of others. And as a parent you will always be loyal to your kids.

Yes, the children sound like brats.. but your fiancee obviously feels the need to defend them, or take their side.

Your own child is only a baby, so cannot possibly br causing you any trouble at the moment... But he will. Regardless of how well you bring him up, and how well mannered or respectful he is, he will have his moments! But his 'moment's' won't annoy you nearly as much as the other kids'. And you will feel very protective of him if anyone criticises him. That's just a fact of life.

Much of a child's behaviour is taught and learned. The kids have learned how to behave like this. They have been pandered to for so long, they don't know any different, and your fiancee is now in a position that she can't see any way of changing things.

The responsibility here lays at the feet of the adults.. her, their dad, and you.

Their dad can't just hand them back because he can't deal with them. Kids learn different rules in different set ups. You can guarantee that they do not act like that in school towards their teachers... Because they know it would not be tolerated. If they visit a friend's house you can be certain they don't treat the mother/father/adult in that house the way they do you. So they are very capable of being respectful and doing what is expected of them.

They know what they are doing at home but there is nothing in place to stop them. You and your fiancee need to be a united front. If you're not, then nothing will be resolved.

CaraMay

The kids aren't ruining your relationships- their parents are. One won't say no to them and actively lies on their behalf and the other bails once the going gets tough. They have no discipline and have learned not to respect you.

You need to have a meeting with both parents present and tell them how serious it is.

Taltos

OP - I agree with all of the other advice here.
Your views on how these children does not seem unreasonable. And like above this is something both parents need to tackle now and be consistent in - it is only going to get worse.

So some thoughts for you.
1. - your child - being around these two will have an impact on their behaviour and how long before they start picking on the youngest for being a "goody-two-shoes".
2. - how far are you willing to go here? Will you stay in this environment and come to hate your OH?
3. - the youngest - seeing all of this cannot be good for them longterm - if/when you leave who will get primary care of the youngest? If they stay with the mother you already know how their behaviour will deginerate.

My suggestion is to get some legal advice on getting primary care of your child on the off chance you do split and then have that converstation with your OH and the father of the two other children. You need to go into that talk in a position of power - because when she calls your bluff "my children I will raise them how I like" - you need to be ready and able to follow through with any consequences of her poor mothering choices. And lets not beat around the bush here - it really doesn't sound like either of them are attempting to parent - they cannot be their childs' friend right now, they need to take a tough stance but maybe due to guilt of splitting neither are really capable or able to (emotionally / mentally).

Best of luck OP. Hope this works out - but if not I hope you are able to walk away and to ensure that your child stays with the parent who is able to make the hard choices and who behaves like the parent.

RossFixxxed

I left out 2 very important words in my post and it has been bothering.

I said: get out of there.

I meant: get out of there FOR NOW.

Kidchameleon

KwackerJack wrote: »

I come as a package

Indeed she does OP. Imagine if you broke up with her and met somebody new, would you and your 13 month old be a "package"? Of course you would. Look, nobody put a gun to your head and made you have a relationship with a woman with two kids, that was your decision, you signed up to that. Kids can and will be brats, your 13 month old will be someday. I think alot of the blame here lies with yourself. Your attitude of "they are not my kids" is completely wrong and is no doubt rubbing off on them. Imagine how it would feel to be in their position and getting vibes like that. Its probably one of the main reasons they are lashing out.

KwackerJack wrote: »

I am the sole earner

And your partner does nothing? She minds a young baby and two growing children, that's a tough task. Its wrong to think you do everything and she does nothing. Remember you and her are partners, you are both in this together.

KwackerJack wrote: »

I do expect to be able to relax in my own house without having to battle with 2 young kids...is that not a fair expectation?

Its their house aswell, you need to realize this.

kylith

Her children are not your children. You have no say in how they are raised. Keep your mouth shut and leave them to her.

RossFixxxed

kylith wrote: »

Her children are not your children. You have no say in how they are raised. Keep your mouth shut and leave them to her.

However, if his son is being affected by these brats, borderline violent brats in fact then he shouldn't keep his mouth shut.

It's a partnership too and if it is being affected by her laziness and incompetence then he is more than entitled to talk to her about it.

IrishEyes19

RossFixxxed wrote: »

However, if his son is being affected by these brats, borderline violent brats in fact then he shouldn't keep his mouth shut.

It's a partnership too and if it is being affected by her laziness and incompetence then he is more than entitled to talk to her about it.

its not just his son. its their half brother biologically. God sake. im sorry and i do see your point. they are being brats but you need to display this to your partner. you need to make these kids a priority too but in a controlled, diciplined manner. no you are not their dad. but what are you so? A stranger? Do you plan to love your son only. do you like them at all? Im only asking because do you want a home where there will be 3 boys related by blood but divided by the fact that two of them are outed since you, your partner and the baby are all related as a family.

RossFixxxed

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

its not just his son. its their half brother biologically. God sake. im sorry and i do see your point. they are being brats but you need to display this to your partner. you need to make these kids a priority too but in a controlled, diciplined manner. no you are not their dad. but what are you so? A stranger? Do you plan to love your son only. do you like them at all? Im only asking because do you want a home where there will be 3 boys related by blood but divided by the fact that two of them are outed since you, your partner and the baby are all related as a family.

I don't disagree with you on the points above to be honest. This is the one time that the OP kind of struck me as being much more serious than just bratty kids or a bit of a fight. Baseball bats, sawing them up, worried for his kid etc etc.

It just screamed serious issue, and I think space, couple's councelling, time and some very serioius talks are needed.

She seems to be letting these kids go TOO wild.


EDIT: Obviously I could be 100% wrong on this, it's just a vibe I got, an angry, rage filled vibe tbh.

Beruthiel

KwackerJack wrote: »

I'm gone blue in the face talking to my partner but like the kids its in one ear and out the next......

At the end of the day I am not their father so I cannot punish then like I could my own.

While they are under your roof you can.

I believe you and your partner would find a Parenting Course very helpful.
It would also allow her to see what she is doing to her children.
At the end of the day, if there is no discipline, consistency and consequences for your actions in place, then a child is basically left to run wild.

mood

Beruthiel wrote: »

While they are under your roof you can.

I believe you and your partner would find a Parenting Course very helpful.
It would also allow her to see what she is doing to her children.
At the end of the day, if there is no discipline, consistency and consequences for your actions in place, then a child is basically left to run wild.

I would suggest both go on a parenting course. Suggesting only she does will be a disaster.

Also you both need to compromise. She lets the away with murder but you seem to think they should be seen but not heard. Neither is a good approach I think.

KwackerJack

I have put down many ground rules or every one in the house myself included. We all get our time to relax unwind, they have there own bedrooms and a play room down stairs.

After homework they can pretty much do what they would like ( to a certain extent) but the point I'm trying to make is that it's never enough!

This morning the eldest threw his Tablet on the ground after his warm milk went cold due to the fact he would nit get out of bed..so now its not working.

But of course mammy rushed in and told him she would fix it?? He just threw the bloody thing and you want to fix it I said, she said he wont relax or change is ways if things are taken or removed from him????

My response is he will never learn if he gets a new tablet every time he throw a fit over bloody milk for Christ sake :mad:

I stood with him while he got washed and sorted his stuff for school as he was in a door banging, name calling mood. Herself walked in to get a towel and because she was in 'the way' he pushed her clean out the door

At this stage I had no choice but to stand right in front of him and explain that if he wanted to act like a bully or adult to take it out an another man..needless to say he became very quiet very quick!!

No you would think the mother would back me up...oh no!!! She locks his bedroom door as to prevent me from taken his tablet as a punishment for breaking it?????

I have tried everything with them..watching moves...the zoo..walk/ cycle along the canal...let them help with cleaning the car or bike but it all ends up wit a big tantrum because this is stupid or im bored!!

I was on the verge of booking a €1000 a week villa with pool etc.
in Spain to get away from here and all I got was its stupid over there and look the villa only has a small tv the xbox will be crap :mad: jesus christ like, when I mentioned there would be no xbox over there well that's just crap, its going to be a crap holiday!!!!

So I cancelled it :rolleyes:

I adored them kids but now its turning to completed hatred almost...

My son will not be treated like some hotel guest that click there fingers when they want service! He will be punished for his mistakes and rewarded for his achievements just like her two boys but with them no reward is ever good enough!!

I am an ex-soldier and have gone through tough times in life because of this I am patient and understanding and know full well life does not go as planned but this is just gone beyond a joke.

Our own relationship is pretty good..even friends will notice how close we are when the kids are away...even a full days away from the 2 boys and were are like two love birds.

But the very second the kids return there's chaos.

There father is very supportive but like me when he has them for a few days he puts manner on them but when they return to him there like two demons, all his work like mine simply vanishes when mother has control and they know this.

I have often listened from outside the house with out them knowing and the way the eldest speaks to him mother is awful. Yet I have heard her say 'relax before *** gets home or you will get into trouble' :mad:


I have booked a week away with my dad to do some diving in April....I can only imagine the kids when I'm away...So much I have asked my own mother to check on her so I know my son is being looked after while she fights and gives into the kids.

I have np problem supporting the two boys...have have gone with out plenty to do so but when its thrown back in my face I just think WHY.

I need new motorbike leather, but after buying them tablets and spending a fortune at christmas I will have to do with out and leave my bike in the shed. The bike is / was a great means of escape to relax and forget it all but now I cant even do that.

So this Saturday, I am getting those leathers, His tablet can stay broke until she has the money (not me) to replace it.

He will most likely go ballistic but MAY teach him that what he has is because someone else has gone without and now he must go withiout as punishment.

But I can see her pulling money from somewhere to pay for it...rent money say! And who will have to replace it....Me of course!!

KwackerJack

mood wrote: »

I would suggest both go on a parenting course. Suggesting only she does will be a disaster.

Also you both need to compromise. She lets the away with murder but you seem to think they should be seen but not heard. Neither is a good approach I think.

I listen to them all the time...I never get 'your to strict' but its always I want I want...Yes all kids do be Jesus the have everything

TV in there rooms and play room, play station, xbox, wii, pool table!

Swimming, Both on football teams, everything but it just seems that its never enough...ever!!

No matter how much they get they expect more.........

Boombastic

Sorry to be blunt. The children are spoilt. Your partner is immature.

Magicmatilda

You have gotten a lot of good advice here, regarding therapy and parenting courses. Yes each time you post it is just a further rant. It seems that you do not want to change anything at all. You seem to think that by just willing them to change that they will, but they won't. If your partner has so little respect for you I wonder how you can say that you have a great relationship when the kids are not there. You don't seen to understand that their behaviour is her responsibility rather you just blame them. Of course the child should not get a new tablet. Maybe you need to have that conversation when you are both calm, why not sit her down tonight and explain to her how rewarding bad behaviour only enforces it. Maybe show her this thread and then discuss it.

Lollipops23

I'm sorry to say I think this is all your partner's doing.
Those kids are spoiled and brutish bullies, I'd be concerned that your own little fella will start learning behaviour from them soon enough (little kids will always look to bigger kids for an example).
I really think you need to give your partner an ultimatum of sorts- tell her you're genuinely worried about the state of your relationship due to her constant undermining you. If you need to scare her into being a decent parent (she's not one right now) then so be it.

shinikins

Take the power cables out of the back of their TVs(no child should have a tv in their bedroom IMO) Wii's, xbox, etc and bring them to work with you. Leave them there until you see a change in their attitude.

While I get that you are frustrated by their behaviour, it's your partners fault that they are like this, so she must be the one to change. You mentioned that she might have the eldests tab repaired with the rent money? Pay the rent yourself, don't give her the opportunity to misuse that money.

clairefontaine

Sounds like they are getting way too much screen time, no wonder they cant remember anything and they are all over the shop.

So it doesnt sound like a criticism, show your wife some studies. Ask her if she wants them to end up on Ritalin?

Ask her to do an experiment, just for a week, of no electronics and see if their is a change in their attitudes and behavior.

movingsucks

You talk about how your son will be and how he won't act like that but he will if his mum let's him.
You'll be in work. He'll be there with her all day.

Meauldsegosha

OP would it be worth while showing your partner this thread? Maybe an outside point of view could be the push she needs to realise there are serious issues here. Her eldest child threatening her with a baseball bat, pushing her and treating her like a skivvy is not acceptable behaviour in society. What is he like in school?

Jaxxy

IMO you're both going overboard to the extremes to compensate for the others shortcomings. She thinks you're too authoritarian and regimented in your approach, and you think she carries on like a glorified skivvy.

You both need to find some middle ground here or the outcome could possibly be a few not so well adjusted children, who do not respect their mother and fear their father.

LegacyUser

KwackerJack wrote: »

I treat them as my own when there are good but that is a very rare moment!!

I wanted to highlight this to show you that you do not have parenting all sussed out. You are not a child behaviour expert who could solve it all if your partner would only listen to you. The above is an utterly ****ty and unpleasant way to treat two children and all you will reap from it is their dislike and disrespect.

You BOTH need parenting classes. Urgently. Their father too. You are ****ing up THREE (not two, three - your baby will turn out no different and you will have contributed to it) children's lives here. They will not get a second childhood. Swallow your bloody pride, admit you do not have all the answers, and get some professional help.

Forget any chance of running away with your baby. You work 80 hour weeks. Your partner is a stay at home parent (which incidentally means that your baby's good behaviour is thanks far more to her than you). A court will not separate a child from his brothers. You will get one night a week and every other weekend if you separate. If that's good enough for you then walk out but you will be letting all three children down severely.

For what it's worth, while you have been a poor step-parent, it's clear your partner has been an abominable parent to her two oldest children. But that doesn't matter! Play the blame game all you want, you will still end up with three messed-up unhappy little brats. The only way out of this situation is to stop making excuses and get some bloody help.

changeling

Beruthiel wrote: »

While they are under your roof you can.

I believe you and your partner would find a Parenting Course very helpful.
It would also allow her to see what she is doing to her children.
At the end of the day, if there is no discipline, consistency and consequences for your actions in place, then a child is basically left to run wild.

I think the OP is talking about physical punishment for which there is no excuse.

December2012

You need to learn how to be a better step parent, a d your fiancée also needs to learn how to be a better parent.

Stop blaming, start fixing.

DaisyD2

Kwacker I really feel for you, you can't win here, it seems to me like you have tried to engage them but everything is "crap", "boring" etc etc. I would also imagine the withdrawal of "downtime" when they go to their fathers is why this has all reached boiling point - you never get a break & have probably gotten worse as result.

I absolutely agree with others that a Parenting Course is, at this stage, a neccessity if your relationship is to have any chance. Your partners approach is clearly not working & another poster mentioned, as a teacher you see this behaviour in kids so often because Parents WON'T Parent.

Actions should have consequences, if you come home from school, hang up a jacket & get on with homework you should get "rewarded" with TV time. If you take a baseball bat to your Mother - well I know what I would've done there & I admire your restraint at only taking the saw to the baseball bat in question - personally all electronics would go with me to work & stay there for foreseeable future until their behaviour improved. I would also theorize that the withdrawal of such stimulants would (after initial tantrums) alone bring about an improvement in behaviour.

Also I would have to disagree with others that this is just kids being kids. I lived abroad & remain very good friends with a family I house shared with. A couple of years ago I got a call to say their 18yro daughter was coming to Europe for 6 weeks after high school & before starting college & would I mind if she stayed with me while travelling - I was delighted. Now I knew her as a spoilt 9yro with temper issues but presumed she had grown up, boy was I wrong. She basically camped on my couch with remote. Everything was crap, boring & "gay". Her phonecalls to her parents horrendous to hear as all she did was demand more money, scream if enquiries where made as to what happened last lot (don't know what she wanted it for she honestly never left my couch & theres a dint in wall to prove it) & hang up. Turned out her friends had been working gap year through Europe & planning Ibiza bow out before college. She wouldn't get job because it was "gay" (?!). Her parents would not pay for fortnight in Ibiza but did fund 6 week trip! She also announced, while here, to parents that she would not be going to college (she didn't), shes now 22, not working living at home with a social life Paris Hilton would be proud of - I imagine her parents are funding it for "quiet" life

Start with Parenting classes & family therapy (including their father). Actually I would start with taking the trip switch out've electric box to work, my parents did this on my brother & he soon learned. Everybody needs to sing off same hymn sheet here & all your lives will improve.

KwackerJack

I have already sought professional help but there is a waiting list. I have spoke to my local GP ( as I have been a patient for 8+ years) and I continue to update him.

I am not talking about physical punishment, I was stating that If raised a hand to my mother even now the out come would not be pleasant. A slap now and then never done us any harm!

***'getparentingclasses' How have you resolved your parenting issues?...and have you dealt with being a step-parent???

Saying I am a bad step-father after I supported them and there mother for 4 years is a bit harsh....I have no legal right to stay and could easily just walk away, but I am here finding advice as to save the family I love not destroy it.

At least I am there for 2 kids who are not biologically mine unlike some father who refuse to support or even know there children

Of course I love all 3 kids but love is no substitute for blatant ignorance and lack of respect!!!

I can tell you being a step dad is much harder than being a father to one of your own ***

I have removed all tv's, etc. only to be told 'sure we have nothing so why be good'??

Earning it back seemed irrelevant to them

Now today a smalll bit of progress has been made..I was talking to both kids teachers and they said they are generally good bit did notice a touch of anger when out in the play ground when not getting there own way.

So after a long chat I told both children with there teachers present that Swimming and GAA will stop if one more argument or tantrum starts over something silly.

They were very up-set but seem to be doing as asked sine 3:30 today!

I have no problem children voicing their opinion as this gives them social skills and teaches then to interact with other appropriately when their older but Looking for attention or voicing the opinions by there current means will not be tolerated.

As for parenting classes I have said this and apparently I need to get my head straight and give the kids space

December2012

Look your fiancée *may* have confidence issues because of the marraige break up, she probably fell into a trap of over compensating the kids because of it.

Come at it with the approach that you want to learn a better way for the while family to get along, you want to improve the things that are working and figure out what you could both do differently.

Make sure she feels you're not blaming her (which incidentally it seems like you are here).

Don't think just cos other guys don't do what you're doing you're great, it's irrelevant what others do. It's only relevant what you do.

CaraMay

You found like a Sargent major. Am not surprised the kids are rebelling if you use this tone and language with them.

December2012

KwackerJack wrote: »

I have already sought professional help but there is a waiting list. I have spoke to my local GP ( as I have been a patient for 8+ years) and I continue to update him.



***'getparentingclasses' How have you resolved your parenting issues?...and have you dealt with being a step-parent???

Saying I am a bad step-father after I supported them and there mother for 4 years is a bit harsh....I have no legal right to stay and could easily just walk away, but I am here finding advice as to save the family I love not destroy it.



As for parenting classes I have said this and apparently I need to get my head straight and give the kids space

Yes, here you are looking for advice. What's so different to that and a parenting class?

DaisyD2

Sorry Kwacker, who was it told you to "get straight & give kids space"? If it was your partner I'd be "gently reminding" her that thats the problem.

Children need love, support, security, structure & boundaries!

Your partner is allowing her children to run wild - my god, an ELEVEN yro raised a baseball bat to her, if that didn't snap her out of her inertia I honestly don't know what will. Their father "tries" but when it gets tough he hands them back. Now on one hand I don't blame him as shes the cause (along with her mother it sounds) BUT one (preferably both) of the parents need to grow up & PARENT

clairefontaine

I have to disagree on the parenting classes, they wont help a step parent- very different role unless you have been there from day 1 of the child's life. If you come in after year 4 or five, you cant really be a disciplinarian. It's a very very tough one.

Is your partner afraid of her kids? It sounds like she's given in to the backlash.

If you work an 80 hour work week, isn't she essentially parenting alone?

Family therapy.

Take away all the electronics for a week. They will run amok. They will scream and swear at you. Kick things.Throw things. All sorts of pain will be inflicted. But stick to it. Just watch how their behaviour changes.