Short Story Competition 11 (VOAT) - Vote HERE!

Agent Weebley

Version 11

Oops! I seem to have run out of edit time on my post above, so here's my continuation.

VERSION 10

The funny thing about dystopias, and this was a well written dystopia, is that we are living in one already. Getting ourselves out of this dystopia is the trick, and one that demands more writing. How do we get out from under the thumb of The Man?

Funny. The word dystopia is underlined on my autospellchecker. I ask for suggestions and get dystrophy. I type distopia and it is also underlined as an error. It suggests: distort. Am I given to believe that there is no such thing as a dystopia? I type dystopia into startpage and get this.

A dystopia is usually fictional. Really?

Getting back to the story: the main "cabbage" device would not be the way the cabbage would go down with respect to human action. If someone didn't want cabbages. they would be traded . . . maybe traded for bottled methane for cooking?

Anyway, it was well written in any event, and also gets my vote.


VERSION 11

You'll have to excuse me for not commenting on the cannibal story last night. I thought of the perfect song to illustrate how someone . . . or coincidentally, a whole host of characters' minds could get so stewed that they would eat each other, let alone find each other. Most people turn inward and start drinking or something . . . but these people turned on each other . . . with a knife and fork!

But then, before putting virtual pen to virtual paper, I realised that this perfect song reminded me of my Dad . . . where the heck is he? I listened to the song over and over and over . . . and found I missed him so much.

Here's the song: Fine Young Cannibals - I'm Not The Man I Used To Be

Oh, and why would a cannibal tell his story to a reporter, unless he was planning becoming roadkill?

I probably won't vote for this one, since the premise was hard to digest. Even my comment is blue rare - sorry.


To conclude: I am voting for 3, 9, and 10.

Brian Lighthouse

Version 10

Version 1
I enjoyed the story. I like reference to Jessica Hyde, a character in Channel 4`s Utopia. I enjoyed the way Sam`s character is revealed.

Version 3
Enjoyable read. I drifted through about a quarter of the story towards the end. The narration was a nice touch. It went on for too long, Hence the drifting. The end was fun.

Version 4
I really liked this story. Nothing outstanding; positive or negative about it. Enjoyable.

Version 5
Totally lost in paras 8,9,10,11 the next day....he wasn`t long behind
Strong sentiment in the story but it just didn`t appeal emotionally.
This is a story that needed another read-through and edit.

Version 6
The space button could have been used for all the spaces
The game is a brilliant idea
Lots of holes when Sam wins the prize.
Enjoyable overall.

Version 7
Had to reread para 3,4,5 to understand what was meant
Got lost so many times in this.
Glad to hear he didn`t drink and drive.
Not entirely believable that this could happen overnight in a relationship but entertaining nonetheless. Pity I got lost.

Version 8
“When he opened his eyes, he wasn't on his front lawn any more. He was somewhere else.”
Really? Was HE?
In fairness some serious issues tackled here and ones that need to be highlighted continuously.

Version 9,
Interesting story.

echo beach

Version 11

A lot of good reading there and some very good attempts at what I though was a very difficult theme.

In the end I voted for 5 and 10.

I enjoyed the way version 5 portrayed the realationship between two people living very different lives from what they once did. The experience of caring for somebody with a mental health problem was convincing.

10 also showed two people dealing with changed circumstances but reacting in different ways. Some people can cope with almost anything, while others simply can't and this story really got you thinking as to how you might react in a dystopian future.

Leafonthewind

Version 4

I voted for version 3. I loved everything about it: the narrator’s voice, the well-defined world, the humour. The fact that the narrator is addressing the reader directly (or so we’re led to believe) is a nice touch, and the gestation of his other self taking place over nine months is just brilliant.

Since one of the stories is mine, I'll post my feedback on the other stories tomorrow.

Mr E

Version 11

Phew, almost forgot to vote.

3, 9 and 10 for me.

3 is a great little story and well written.
9 had some fun dialogue and made me laugh.
10 felt like a small part of a much bigger story. I hate cabbage.

Honorable mentions for 1 (I liked the ending more than the journey), and 11 (good story, but some spelling mistakes bugged me!)

Ectoplasm

Version 10

I voted for three and nine...just in under the wire. Three was the standout of the bunch, but I liked nine and thought it was a pretty good angle to take.

I also really enjoyed ten but I didn't feel like it was complete.

Overall though the standard was pretty high and though I didn't love them all, congratulations to all who entered.

coffee_cake

Version 11

Congrats #3!!

pickarooney

Version 11

Three pulled away from the pack at the last minute, in true VOAT style. Congratulations to our winner, Antilles!

Antilles

Version 11

Woohoo!

Thanks to everyone who read and voted for my story. I have my commentary on the others at home. I'll will post them here when I get back tonight.

Mr E

Version 11

Wow, it really was a 3 horse race all along.

Congrats to all 3 of you, and to Antilles for taking it down.

Mine was the Vatican Agent of Time (#8). I liked the way it turned out, but it looks like it never really stood a chance.

Agent Weebley

Version 11

Well done, Antilles, you landed another winner!

coffee_cake

Version 11

Well done again!
Was a bit bemused at some of the feedback here on mine, #5, and people not getting it. Subtlety is certainly difficult to do, but a number of people did get it... I suppose if everyone got it first go, it couldn't have been that subtle in the first place!
I can assure BL that I did re-read and re-edit numerous times (even if the total time taken was quite short including research) and what's left is quite deliberate!
Still, it doesn't have to be everyone's cup of tea. But I'm happy with it.

I do appreciate all feedback given and time taken to give it! very much so.
Will post my own after the weekend

--Kaiser--

Version 10

bluewolf wrote: »

Well done again!
Was a bit bemused at some of the feedback here on mine, #5, and people not getting it. Subtlety is certainly difficult to do, but a number of people did get it... I suppose if everyone got it first go, it couldn't have been that subtle in the first place!
I can assure BL that I did re-read and re-edit numerous times (even if the total time taken was quite short including research) and what's left is quite deliberate!
Still, it doesn't have to be everyone's cup of tea. But I'm happy with it.

I do appreciate all feedback given and time taken to give it! very much so.
Will post my own after the weekend

Care to explain the story?

Leafonthewind

Version 4

Congratulations, Antilles! Well-deserved!

Mine was 10. Thanks to all those who commented on it and voted.

Here's my feedback on the other stories:

Version 1 – The shifting verb tenses were bothersome. The story was all over the place and I couldn’t get into it, though it did improve in the second half.

Version 2 – The story was well-written, but the subject matter was disturbing. A lot has been said about it already, and I don’t have anything to add, but I did establish a connection with the character and had a strong emotional response to the story, and at the end of the day, that’s what a story should do.

Version 4 – Well-written, but it didn’t really grab me.

Version 5 – I still feel sad when I think about this story. The emotion was well-conveyed, the sense of loss heart-wrenching.

Version 6 – The story was hard to read because of the missing spaces. The treasure hunt idea was good, but the resolution was a little too easy.

Version 7 – Made me smile. Some problems with verb tenses along the way and it could use some tidying up, but it was a fun read.

Version 8 – I figured out where the story was heading early on, but I thought it was quite fitting that the Church put fixing its reputation ahead of righting its terrible wrongs.

Version 9 – This story was a close contender for me. The dialogue and characters were great, but the ending felt a bit forced.

Version 11 – All the snickering was rather bothersome, and if VOAT was written in blood on the garage door, wouldn’t the rain wash it away? Didn’t see the twist coming though.

Antilles

Version 11

Kaiser and Agent Weebley; I'm not a physicist but I did think about the gravity issue as I wrote it. I thought that if the asteroid was sufficiently dense it could have the one-eighth gravity, even if it was physically a relatively small rock. Is that incorrect?

Mr E

Version 11

Leafonthewind wrote: »

Version 8 – I figured out where the story was heading early on, but I thought it was quite fitting that the Church put fixing its reputation ahead of righting its terrible wrongs.

Or put another way - Even in the future, The Vatican are assholes.

--Kaiser--

Version 10

Antilles wrote: »

Kaiser and Agent Weebley; I'm not a physicist but I did think about the gravity issue as I wrote it. I thought that if the asteroid was sufficiently dense it could have the one-eighth gravity, even if it was physically a relatively small rock. Is that incorrect?

Not a physicist either but even if the asteroid were composed of something really dense like iridium I imagine it would still be too way large to explore in 24 hours (for a slow moving man in a spacesuit). But I could be wrong

Antilles

Version 11

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Not a physicist either but even if the asteroid were composed of something really dense like iridium I imagine it would still be too way large to explore in 24 hours (for a slow moving man in a spacesuit). But I could be wrong

I googled about a bit but couldn't find anywhere to calculate the required gravity/density so just went with it. I totally accept your criticism, thanks!

Hrududu

Version 4

Fair play Antilles, you had my vote.

Mine was number 9, definitely an interesting competition this time around.

Agent Weebley

Version 11

Antilles wrote: »

Kaiser and Nerfy; I'm not a physicist but I did think about the gravity issue as I wrote it. I thought that if the asteroid was sufficiently dense it could have the one-eighth gravity, even if it was physically a relatively small rock. Is that incorrect?

Just revel in your winning the contest, Antilles. Bravo! You have a great career ahead of you. I wish I had just 1/8th of your ability to weave emotional words into an integrated and interesting story, with a truly unique emotional twist at the end.

It's easy to get hung up on logic, but emotions are what drives humans to behave the way they do.

I'm just like my Dad when it comes to Spockifying everything that moves. I guess I must believe that emotion stems from logic. Logic is the coolest thing on planet Earth, as far as I'm concerned, but I'm beginning to believe that logic is worthless, unless it is accessed through the Limbic System.

Second guessing yourself on physics factoids will only weaken the molarity of what you achieved back there. Maybe a little more research would have given Sam's engines a little thrust to land, rather than conking out and him crash landing on the asteroid, since 9.8 m/s^2 x 1/8 acceleration = a very bad face plant. Acceleration is acceleration, whatever the large mass the attracting body may have, so it needs to be countered by reverse thrust. In this case: 1.225 m/s^2 as your final thrust at landing . . . oops, sorry. See how boring that is?

You did very well - you don't need perfect fargin' physics to write a good story.

Did you get your inspiration from my recent fake USA moon landing topic, by any chance? Abandoning the laws of physics, proffering emotion in its place, works really well on most Americans - heck, it works on mostly everyone. And you proved it!

I guess you could call it metaphysics?

Oh, and one last thing: every comment I made on the 11 stories, I carefully researched, so I could comment effectively (imho.) I've never read a word of the Twilight series, for example . . . and I now know a lot more about hens.

Toasterparks

Hrududu wrote: »

Fair play Antilles, you had my vote.

Mine was number 9, definitely an interesting competition this time around.

Please write more stuff like story 9, or direct me to somewhere I can read other stories you've written.