dating a guy who will not add u on facebook and does not show his face on skype

irelandese

ok , i have a big mystery to solve , so i was dating this guy (4th date, and talking for over 1 month) who kept avoiding to add me on facebook , who is afraid to put his face out there , like he told me he had his identity stolen before and was scared it would happen again , but after we dated a while i asked him does he still feel apprehensive about me and he said he didnt so i asked him to add me on fb, to which he said he would , a month into seeing him. but he never did , so i jumped at the opportunity to ask him again when we skyped , he took so long to apparently log in and sent me a message instead of adding me , weird i know , so i asked him why to which he replied u wont be able to see my photos anyway blah blah blah and then he said i dont know u well enough , but why say u would add me if u werent ya know . now theres not alot of possibilities that i can think of why he would do this , he could have a girlf i dont know about , i asked him and he said he didnt , he prob doesnt want his friends to see who hes dating . also he always pays in cash when we go out and doesnt have a wallet, says he loses it easily so he carries cash , these are big wads of cash too , apparently he works as a day trader/hedge fund manager and its his own business , keeps offering to buy me things and spending money on me even pay me every week to which i bluntly answered no to . hes just so sketchy about his face being put out there , what is the guy hiding can anyone tell me ? i actually have thoughts that he might be a criminal am i paranoid?

Cereal Number

irelandese wrote: »

ok , i have a big mystery to solve , so i was dating this guy (4th date, and talking for over 1 month) who kept avoiding to add me on facebook , who is afraid to put his face out there , like he told me he had his identity stolen before and was scared it would happen again , but after we dated a while i asked him does he still feel apprehensive about me and he said he didnt so i asked him to add me on fb, to which he said he would , a month into seeing him. but he never did , so i jumped at the opportunity to ask him again when we skyped , he took so long to apparently log in and sent me a message instead of adding me , weird i know , so i asked him why to which he replied u wont be able to see my photos anyway blah blah blah and then he said i dont know u well enough , but why say u would add me if u werent ya know . now theres not alot of possibilities that i can think of why he would do this , he could have a girlf i dont know about , i asked him and he said he didnt , he prob doesnt want his friends to see who hes dating . also he always pays in cash when we go out and doesnt have a wallet, says he loses it easily so he carries cash , these are big wads of cash too , apparently he works as a day trader/hedge fund manager and its his own business , keeps offering to buy me things and spending money on me even pay me every week to which i bluntly answered no to . hes just so sketchy about his face being put out there , what is the guy hiding can anyone tell me ? i actually have thoughts that he might be a criminal am i paranoid?

Dodgy boy it sounds like

socco

the guy clearly has another girlfriend or is just using you... either way get rid of him.

irelandese

Cereal Number wrote: »

Dodgy boy it sounds like

but do u think hes dodgy like , he is in a relationhip , or dodgy as in hes a criminal , cant figure it out , cos i gave him information about myself , if he is a criminal im afraid he might use it against me

irelandese

socco wrote: »

the guy clearly has another girlfriend or is just using you... either way get rid of him.

yeah i did but see how was he using me , we havent even kissed at all amd he was adamant in paying for everything , its really strange, im just worried now that he might be a criminal and is the person doing the robbing of identities , but i could be paranoid , i dont know cods in this day and age anybody can hack ya know

Sofiztikated

Or completely possible that he doesn't like Facebook?

irelandese

Sofiztikated wrote: »

Or completely possible that he doesn't like Facebook?

I would just simply just add the person to shut them up, I was constantly asking and he kept saying he would but kept putting it off like saying he wasn't home or was at tennis when in fact he has a smart phone so I seized the opportunity when we Skyped to while he took ages in logging in and it just looks like a FB that someone just set up at the spur of the moment or something, why can't he say I don't use Facebook instead of making me believe he would add me

RoundyMooney

He's playing away by the sounds of it.

Sorry

Lelantos

socco wrote: »

the guy clearly has another girlfriend or is just using you... either way get rid of him.

Using her for what? He offers to pay for everything. Maybe he's worried she's a nutter & doesn't want to add her in case she goes bunny boiler on his page if they split.

irelandese

Lelantos wrote: »

Using her for what? He offers to pay for everything. Maybe he's worried she's a nutter & doesn't want to add her in case she goes bunny boiler on his page if they split.

Eh No I'm not nuts, it's a normal thing in this day and age to ask for someone's Facebook, what is the big deal like? He can just simply block or unfriend me if we didnt work out And I'm No gold digger, I pay my own way, his huge wad of cash had me worried, the guy did not have a visa, or any sort of debit card whatsoever

Cavehill Red

According to the charter, this forum is for discussions on the following topics:
Engagements, Weddings, Commitment ceremonies, Civil Partnerships, Honeymoons, Adjusting to marriage.
I'm wondering which of these this particular issue falls under.

juice1304

Maybe he is just a bit weird who cares, If he is polite has manners and is'nt trying to force you into anything then why not give him a chance. Everyone is different.

ResearchWill

irelandese wrote: »

Eh No I'm not nuts, it's a normal thing in this day and age to ask for someone's Facebook, what is the big deal like? He can just simply block or unfriend me if we didnt work out And I'm No gold digger, I pay my own way, his huge wad of cash had me worried, the guy did not have a visa, or any sort of debit card whatsoever

Its totally not normal in my opinion to ask for someone's Facebook, I left Facebook last year because its full of nutters, sorry but it is, parents who think its normal to tell me every thing about their child, the people who only post photos of their food and drink, and people who only post when drunk, maybe he is just like me a person who thinks Facebook is for total mental heads.

He sounds more like a guy who does not trust tech than a criminal, and as long as the dosh is kosher enjoy the ride.

irelandese

Cavehill Red wrote: »

According to the charter, this forum is for discussions on the following topics:
Engagements, Weddings, Commitment ceremonies, Civil Partnerships, Honeymoons, Adjusting to marriage.
I'm wondering which of these this particular issue falls under.

My bad I didn't know where to put this and it was a rush job

Lelantos

irelandese wrote: »

Eh No I'm not nuts, it's a normal thing in this day and age to ask for someone's Facebook, what is the big deal like? He can just simply block or unfriend me if we didnt work out And I'm No gold digger, I pay my own way, his huge wad of cash had me worried, the guy did not have a visa, or any sort of debit card whatsoever

Asking for relationship advice from people you don't know, about your suspected sketchy, maybe criminal boyfriend....being honest, he'd be well rid of you imo

irelandese

juice1304 wrote: »

Maybe he is just a bit weird who cares, If he is polite has manners and is'nt trying to force you into anything then why not give him a chance. Everyone is different.

Thanks for the input maybe he is

Cavehill Red

irelandese wrote: »

My bad I didn't know where to put this and it was a rush job

Putting this issue in the weddings forum, along with your apparent urgency to seek the advice of strangers on the internet, all seems to make you seem at best a bit highly strung, and at worse a total Glenn Close job.
I suggest you chill out and get over the Facebook thing and put any questions you have about this relationship to the man himself.

irelandese

Lelantos wrote: »

Asking for relationship advice from people you don't know, about your suspected sketchy, maybe criminal boyfriend....being honest, he'd be well rid of you imo

I'm just trying to fInd out what other reasons there are for a person to be so sketchy about adding someone on FB , the rest are just observations, like I said am I being paranoid

irelandese

Cavehill Red wrote: »

Putting this issue in the weddings forum, along with your apparent urgency to seek the advice of strangers on the internet, all seems to make you seem at best a bit highly strung, and at worse a total Glenn Close job.
I suggest you chill out and get over the Facebook thing and put any questions you have about this relationship to the man himself.

Fair enough I'll take that on board

Lelantos

irelandese wrote: »

I'm just trying to fInd out what other reasons there are for a person to be so sketchy about adding someone on FB , the rest are just observations, like I said am I being paranoid

Yes, there are ways of finding.out if perhaps he's been heartbroken before. Maybe set up a double date with his friend & gf. 4 people talking over dinner always gets things out in the open. Maybe become friends with his sisters, or mother, see if there are any facebook friends in common you can talk to. If he's into sport, perhaps go to his gaa game, soccer game, get involved. There are loads of ways to get to know the guy & become involved in his life & not think the worst of him because he's not a Facebooky guy. Ps, some firms actively discourage their staff from being on Facebook as it can reflect badly on the firm.

D3PO

what the hell has this to do with weddings marriage and civil partnership :rolleyes:

silja

From what you say here- yes, he sounds sketchy.
On the other hand: you've known him for a month, had four dates, and are now badgering him about this FB thing. I'd back way off too if I was him. Like, if someone asks me to be FB friends and I don't have time to add them immediately, and then they keep asking, even though I initially intended to add them, that might change my mind about adding them.

Toots

Moved to Relationship Issues.

GRMA

Perfectly grand, if he adds you his family, friends etc might start asking questions, personally I'm very private about stuff like that and don't like the pressure etc so I never change relationship statuses or that... Also maybe he is self conscious about some of the stuff he has on his Facebook, I cringe at some of the stuff I put up in the past

There are many many more likely innocent explanations rather than him being a criminal or having another gf, calm down.

As for the rolls of cash, what's the big deal?

From what you've said he seems to be a perfect gent give him a chance, he could be mad about you and just nervous.

P. Breathnach

One thing you have not said, OP (or maybe I just missed it): does he have what looks like a fairly normal Facebook presence? You know, a bit in the "about me" section; some pictures; the occasional status report; a number of friends?

I'd be sceptical of the day trader/hedge fund manager story. I'd expect somebody making a living in the financial world to be fairly comfortable with using credit or debit cards.

I'd be Googling fairly intensively to see if I could find something out.

Lorna123

I think that this guy just doesn't want you getting to know all his business too quickly. I would be like that too, in fact I hate facebook. He is keeping you private and in my opinion that is a good thing. Stop looking for problems when there are none.

justsmile

He obviously doesn't want you as a friend on facebook. He most probably has something he wants to hide from you on it. Unless he has very few friends and prefers to only befriend those closest to him then i'd say he has a girlfriend. He sounds a bit dodgy anyway.

daisybelle2008

irelandese wrote: »

keeps offering to buy me things and spending money on me even pay me every week to which i bluntly answered no to

Pay you every week? For what? That sounds dodgy as Fcuk....if it feels off and dodgy then move on, it's not rocket science, trust your instinct. He may or may not be criminal, that is irrelevant for now. Fact is it feels sketchy and off, so find someone to be with where you don't feel paranoid and distrustful, they are out there.

maria34

dodgy. dont take him seriously anyway.

married men cant use credit cards (wife finds out by reading statements) and add u in facebook. simple as that.

clint_silver

The relationship seems fairly new. There are some strange things going on. Lots of cash, no credit cards. Not so bad, I pay cash everywhere and Im married. Hate cards.
Doesn't add you on Facebook ? Maybe he's been burned before as mentioned, he should tell you but its not completely beyond the boundaries of belief.
So all in all, keep seeing him if you like him but Id advise not just holding emotions back to protect yourself but also physical side of it, see what happens then. If he asks what's wrong tell him there's a sharing side to it and see is he ready to commit.
If you're just out for a bit of fun that's different but I doubt you'd ask the questions you did if that was the case.

amtc

Listen, I'm really sorry, but I think this could be a guy I dated. He used the exact same words as day trader/hedge fund - I worked in that world and that's not a usual phrase - always paid in cash - never brought a jacket/coat anywhere - messaged me but never added on facebook despite saying he would. Worked solely off mobile, no work email, no fixed line....no wallet...dodged photos at a wedding on our 4th date.

paid for everything, offered money per week as an allowance (I never took it). Oh yeah, and he played tennis.

whole thing turned out to be lies.

If he purports to be called [pm'ed you name] and from Sligo originally but lived in London, let me know. He has a track record, if it's the same guy. Never kissed in street or in public....phone superglued to inside pocket. And very reticent about sleeping together (we never did) - there was going to be a big occasion in Ashford Castle.

Turned out this was all to get my credit card details.

Chance conversation with work friend - same guy scammed her. SO I let him book the weekend - but guess what his credit card had just expired. I hope he had a lovely weekend by himself!

EireIceMan

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I'd be Googling fairly intensively to see if I could find something out.

If you have to do this in the first place you shouldnt be dating them. Jesus.

irelandese wrote: »

it's a normal thing in this day and age to ask for someone's Facebook,

No. 'Friend request from joe balls' who'se a friend of a friends friend you met last night and said hi to:rolleyes:

Lenmeister

Some people are going way over their heads here. People are too into their facebook imo. Nobody is obliged to add anyone on facebook. Just because he won't add her that doesn't mean anything. In fact, her persistence about it makes her sound like a bit of a weirdo/stalker. I'd be a little weirded out by that and would probably back off a little. What's the big deal if someone doesn't add you? What if this thing doesn't work out, then you're just another person sitting in his friend list(fine for some people, not for others). Perhaps he thinks you might post bad things about him if it doesn't workout, maybe it's happened before. All of this could be reason enough for him saying he doesn't know you well enough.

Saying he is dating someone else and wants to hide it is a big jump, silly thing to say imo, just because he won't add you. If you are already that paranoid he's dating other people, I fear you making it far. Just slow down a little and go with the flow, you've only had 4 dates.

The whole wad of cash thing is a little weird but some people are like that. I used to know someone like that and said he just prefers it. Bit weird but don't jump to conclusions about him being a criminal. That's a bit far.

Lots of people insist on paying all the time, it's just 1 of those things. Many guys feel they should and that it looks bad for some reason if the woman pays. Just their mentality. Everyone has an opinion on that matter but don't dwell on it. You're saving aren't you :P However, him offering you money just to see him seems is a big no to me, I probably would have said no thanks, and definitely not seen him again.

Also the skype thing, I find it very weird that he doesn't want to show his face. He's already been on dates with you. I don't think he has something to hide, but because he has already seen you face to face, this was the one signal that he is definitely paranoid. "he told me he had his identity stolen before and was scared it would happen again" - personally that sounds like a lie, but it does happen, I could be wrong. If someone really wanted to steal your identity I'm sure they'd be able to do it regardless of the measures you took to prevent it.

Overall I think you should just take it slowly, go with the flow, and see what happens. But if he doesn't come out of his shell after a while and still refuses the facebook thing and showing his face on cam thing, and other things that seem weird, I'd ditch him asap. The last thing you want is to be in a relationship with a someone that paranoid. Hope this helps and your relationship turns out great.

@Amtc - Sorry to hear that! Sounds like you had a rough time, hope you met someone normal since

P. Breathnach
I'd be Googling fairly intensively to see if I could find something out. - Going a bit far there don't you think? Paranoia breeds negativity and doubts and could ruin what might be a good relationship.

Gatica

Lenmeister, Amtc already pointed out why someone would be as secretive and that he could very very likely be the same person. All the more reason for her to back off, especially if gut instinct says something's wrong...

homerjay2005

amtc wrote: »

Listen, I'm really sorry, but I think this could be a guy I dated. He used the exact same words as day trader/hedge fund - I worked in that world and that's not a usual phrase - always paid in cash - never brought a jacket/coat anywhere - messaged me but never added on facebook despite saying he would. Worked solely off mobile, no work email, no fixed line....no wallet...dodged photos at a wedding on our 4th date.

paid for everything, offered money per week as an allowance (I never took it). Oh yeah, and he played tennis.

whole thing turned out to be lies.

If he purports to be called [pm'ed you name] and from Sligo originally but lived in London, let me know. He has a track record, if it's the same guy. Never kissed in street or in public....phone superglued to inside pocket. And very reticent about sleeping together (we never did) - there was going to be a big occasion in Ashford Castle.

Turned out this was all to get my credit card details.

Chance conversation with work friend - same guy scammed her. SO I let him book the weekend - but guess what his credit card had just expired. I hope he had a lovely weekend by himself!

that seesms an awful lot of effort just to get your credit card details? why would he give you money, when for example he doesnt know your credit card limit and for all he knows, it could be maxed out or only have a few hundred on it. it just doesnt make sense to go to that much hassle, for something that may not be worth anything to him.

if you are telling the truth, he is not a fraudster, he is a f*cking idiot. sounds like though, there is just something wrong with him inside his head.

back on topic, i would suggest that the OP approaches with caution for a while, dont commit to anything and see what pans out, but theres 1000's of people in this country who are not into facebook and people taking pics of them and its acceptable. i also know plenty of people who dont have wallets and deal only in cash, but i will admit, the lad is a little bit strange.

Honey-ec

He sounds like my sister's ex, tbh. No online presence, no credit/debit cards, dealt exclusively in cash, very vague on the finer details of his life, etc. etc.

Turned out his entire life was a lie. Pretty much every thing he ever told her was complete and utter crap. The reason he only ever dealt in cash was because he didn't have a bank account. No PPS number, no driving licence, no passport. To this day we still don't know where he was getting the wads of cash from, cause he has never had an actual job in his life.

Taking everything together, you'd go "How in God's name was my sister ever taken in by him?" but it took time for all the little things that didn't seem *quite* right to build up into the final picture.

Something doesn't seem *quite* right with this guy. Your gut is already telling you this, and I'm inclined to agree. I'm not saying to drop him right this second but I'd be keeping very careful account of his behaviour if I were you.

mood

Not everyone has a facebook account but if he has it is odd he would add you as a friend.

And what is this about he wanting to 'pay' you?

Have you meet any of his friends etc. If not I would run a mile. It's all too odd. Wanting to 'pay' you is the oddest thing of all.

daisybelle2008

OP Run a mile....I am astounded that people here are telling you to ingnore your gut instinct and give him a chance he offered to pay you by the week. He is as dodgy as fcuk. It is written all over him.
As for investigating on google, why bother?? before google we had a perfectly good internal guidance system that rings alarm bells in our head. Don't ignore yours.
Jesus I have not idea why anyone would think you should continue dating someone who YOU feel might take criminal revenge you if you didn't date him. It may or may not be true, but if you feel that paranoid then that is reason enough to run. What happened to nice romances where you feel a sense of trust and fun.

Lenmeister

Gatica wrote: »

Lenmeister, Amtc already pointed out why someone would be as secretive and that he could very very likely be the same person. All the more reason for her to back off, especially if gut instinct says something's wrong...

So I should take Amtcs post as the only possible reality and conclusion of the situation?

"However, him offering you money just to see him seems is a big no to me, I probably would have said no thanks, and definitely not seen him again."

"Overall I think you should just take it slowly, go with the flow, and see what happens. But if he doesn't come out of his shell after a while and still refuses the facebook thing and showing his face on cam thing, and other things that seem weird, I'd ditch him asap. The last thing you want is to be in a relationship with a someone that paranoid. Hope this helps and your relationship turns out great."

Obviously as you can see I also think it's quite odd some of the stuff he does, that's why the gist of my post was to take a step back, look at what's happening, and weigh everything up. If you feel scared and have a bad feeling, ditch him immediately.
He hasn't actually done anything that warrants some of the stuff being said here, even if his 'profile' seems strange. It's possible to give yourself more ideas as to how to proceed by asking him about his friends and family etc. See if he really is that shady. But I think for the moment just back up and look at everything. How he portrays and carries himself on dates, if his stories have holes, if he refuses to tell you anything personal as to his identity. We only have a picture of what the guy is like on the outside from these posts. We don't know anything about the dates.

Someone mentioned a double date with sister or friends or something? I think that's a good idea, see how comfortable he is in that situation. Maybe leave himself and the friends boyfriend to chat to him for a while. Guys can do a sharp job when it comes to telling if another lad is alright or not imho.

Gatica

Lenmeister, I certainly didn't wish to offend you. However, I thought your post seemed to pretty much ignore the other post, which seemed to me pretty clear in its conclusion... (Though I see now that you did refer to it in yours and therefore must've read it.)
Since you've edited your post since, I can't exactly say what it was that gave me that impression.

So I should take Amtcs post as the only possible reality and conclusion of the situation?

It might not be the one and only possible "reality" however it seems by far the most plausible explanation, considering the very similar circumstances.

I can understand that you may want to find excuses and reasons for this guys behaviour, and that is very good natured of you. However, the advice seemed somewhat in contrast to the gist of the other posts.

ah, well, it's a discussion forum after all. You're entitled to your opinion... I can't even remember where I was going with this as started writing reply awhile back already.

Lenmeister

Gatica wrote: »

Since you've edited your post since, I can't exactly say what it was that gave me that impression.

I can understand that you may want to find excuses and reasons for this guys behaviour, and that is very good natured of you. However, the advice seemed somewhat in contrast to the gist of the other posts.

It was a few spelling mistakes, I always check it again afterwards. I posted at 3:23 and it was last edited at 3:26 - 3 minutes later. Are you implying I altered it because of anothers post? I'd never do that.

I'm not trying to find excuses for this guy, the last thing I'd want is to imagine she's dating a raving lunatic.

In the Minority? Excuse me? I don't like to bash other members on any forum but seriously. Go back and read all the other posts like I have and you will see that I am certainly not in a minority. Not unless you're counting all those *thanks* people do give :P But more than half of the posters who responded said something in favour of not ditching him asap for x reason.

Anyway, sure we've all given good points so let's not argue about it. Let's let her take whatever she wants from here and hope everything works out fine in the end.

Gatica

fair enough. Let's just hope for the best in this situation then.

amtc

I think we've ascertained that it's not the same guy via PM, but there are lunatics out there...!

Oh and I don't really face book, it was the evasion about not having anything with him, suppresion of personal details. Found out after he knew my credit limit due to a statement in my bag (which he saw)...

And yeah, I have alovely man now!

Please read the charter before posting, that includes the rule about not asking an OP to PM you
thanks