Serious insult or wounded pride?

LegacyUser

Mods if this post contains too much explicit info, go ahead and lock... but this is a very genuine and very worrying issue for me.

The other day me and my boyfriend had quickie sex. He was in a bit of a hurry to get to work in the evening, so we hadn't much time. He orgasmed very fast, like in 3 minutes or less. I stupidly and without thinking said "Oh that was quick, you better make me come a million times when you get back!" Everything seemed fine, he didn't seem offended.

Then last night, he brings up out of the blue that I didn't feel very tight during that quickie. Now, to say I was shocked would be an understatement. I know I'm tight and he has said how that part of me is one of his favourite feelings. He raves about it.

I just don't understand what the hell he said this for? I've even started to doubt that maybe my anatomy had become loose overnight! Did he do this to really hurt me and get me back for my throw away remark about him finishing too fast? I'm so stunned and hurt.

When I tried to talk to him about it, he just flippantly said I better tighten up for next time. He wasn't joking.

Help me guys, what's going on here?

openup

You've hurt his feelings and now he's being childish. Women don't just become "loose" regardless of how much sex you have, so don't worry about that. I don't know what to advise though, just apologize for hurting his feelings I guess? I mean I certainly wouldn't have said what you said I don't think he has any right to be annoyed.

ted1

Maybe you were wetter than normal so it felt looser or maybe you pissed him off and he wanted to get you back

LegacyUser

Whether it was wounded pride or not, it was certainly a serious insult.

And there was no cause for wounded pride in any case. He came so fast that you weren't satisfied, just aroused and wanted more - what you said to him meant exactly that. It was actually a compliment to him.

I would let him stew for a few days till he calms down. Then, when the talking starts, tell him this. And wait for a fairly serious apology from him before you even think about having a next time.

Actually, I don't even know if I would do that. I'd probably kick him out of the bedroom right now. What he said was verbal violence.

CaraMay

That was an unwarranted low blow and equivalent to disparaging the size of his manhood.

jantheman91

What he said and what you said were the same thing. You're at fault for what you said. Apologise and move on.

judgefudge

Hecannotbeserious wrote: »

Actually, I don't even know if I would do that. I'd probably kick him out of the bedroom right now. What he said was verbal violence.

In my opinion this is a little dramatic. It seems like he may have been a bit hurt by what you said. He might have thought you were belittling his performance. Which is never a nice feeling. So maybe he acted a little immaturely and attacked the only area he could think of that would make you feel the same. It sounds like he said it in a jokey way? If he said you better tighten up for next time?

Alternatively, maybe he genuinely thought it felt looser, different positions bring different sensations... Is that at all possible?

I'd imagine it was the first reason and in that case just talk it through. I wouldn't take it too personally and I think throwing him out of the bedroom is a bit drastic if you can talk about it reasonably.

LegacyUser

jantheman91 wrote: »

What he said and what you said were the same thing. You're at fault for what you said. Apologise and move on.

I don't think it was the same thing. What I stupidly said in my awkward way was a fact... he did come quickly, it was over in 3 minutes - fact. That's what happened.

What he said to me was a total lie. Made up to just hurt me. I know my body and it has not miraculously changed from super tight to not tight in the space of a few days.

@ted1 - I wasn't wet atall, I hadn't even warmed up! I know I was really tight because it hurt a lot, I said so and he even asked did I want him to stop.

I am still so angry, I'm the one that needs time to calm down. I'd blow my top if I saw him now. I just can't understand why he would pick something so low and personal to attack me with?

Jeez, most guys who were with an actual "loose" girl wouldn't stoop so low as to actually say it to her!

LegacyUser

"What he said and what you said were the same thing. You're at fault for what you said. Apologise and move on." - jantheman91

"That was an unwarranted low blow and equivalent to disparaging the size of his manhood." - CaraMay

The OP and her OH had quickie sex that lasted less than 3 minutes as her OH was in a hurry. He had an orgasm and she was left aroused and unsatisfied - but you think it was insulting for her to say she wanted more later. That's all she said. That she wanted more later. That, people, is a compliment on the size of his manhood not an insult.

He was in the wrong for leaving her so unsatisfied but she took it in good part.

He was totally out of order for saying such a nasty thing to her.

castaway_lady

He said "you better tighten up for the next time"?.......if I were you he'd be waiting a long while for that next time....childish

a fat guy

From the point of view of a man, I could see how he'd take it as an insult.

He only said it to "get back" at you, of this I am certain.

I'd bring it up again, and press the point that you were joking when you said he was quick. When you say you were only joking and are sorry if you hurt his feelings, I am certain that he'll feel terrible about this and apologise for what he said.

Simple as that.

openup

a fat guy wrote: »

From the point of view of a man, I could see how he'd take it as an insult.

He only said it to "get back" at you, of this I am certain.

I'd bring it up again, and press the point that you were joking when you said he was quick. When you say you were only joking and are sorry if you hurt his feelings, I am certain that he'll feel terrible about this and apologise for what he said.

Simple as that.

I certainly wouldn't tell him it's a joke. I agree that she should apologise for saying it and hurting his feelings but criticising someone for being a selfish lover in the spur of the moment is vastly different from holding a grudge, then later vindictively insulting something un-changeable about your girlfriend.

Boombastic

he didn't make you come. I don't see the problem with you stating this. He is being very childish in his remarks.

WindSock

If it was like opening the window and shagging the night, how come he managed to finish up so quickly?

Cupcake_Crisis

Op, tell him the best way to tighten up down there is to not have sex for a while and see how quick he is with his little childish comments next time.

RossFixxxed

I'd agree with most above, it seems like wounded pride and very childishly expressed. Is he normally a petty and nasty little man? Or just this time?

Have a chat with him first though just to see how things are before going off the deep end (which I think you would be entitled to in this case). Maybe he totally picked up what you said wrong, or is extremely insecure.

LegacyUser

a fat guy wrote: »

From the point of view of a man, I could see how he'd take it as an insult.

He only said it to "get back" at you, of this I am certain.

I'd bring it up again, and press the point that you were joking when you said he was quick. When you say you were only joking and are sorry if you hurt his feelings, I am certain that he'll feel terrible about this and apologise for what he said.

Simple as that.

A fat guy, can you explain how he'd take it as an insult? A few people said this and I really can't see how. Would he take it as meaning he had premature ejaculation or what? It obviously upset him but I'm trying to understand why. Sometimes women and men see things from opposite sides. If you explain it might help me understand my own fella.

LegacyUser

RossFixxxed wrote: »

I'd agree with most above, it seems like wounded pride and very childishly expressed. Is he normally a petty and nasty little man? Or just this time?

Have a chat with him first though just to see how things are before going off the deep end (which I think you would be entitled to in this case). Maybe he totally picked up what you said wrong, or is extremely insecure.

Funny you should mention insecurity... when we first got together he did worry about coming too fast and his size. He is average or above so I have no idea why he would have an insecurity about size. He can finish quickly at times, but that's ok with me as he always has taken the time to pleasure me after. It's just this one particular occasion I felt a little crap that he got his kicks and I didn't.

We are together a few years so I assumed he wouldn't be insecure about it at this stage.

What he said has hurt me so much I have even considered making an appointment with my gynae to make sure nothing has changed down there... how crazy is that?!! It just hit me to the core that comment of his

Isolt

Of course it hit you to the core. It's a horrible thing to say! I'd love to give you a hug and make you see that he is being a nasty little man. I am certain there is nothing more to his comment than this. Go see your gynaecologist if it puts your mind at ease but you really don't need to. I mean, as Windsock said, there can't be much wrong with you if Mr. 3 Minute Man enjoyed himself so much the last time.

He's such a moron. I am certain you are fine!!

LegacyUser

WTF85 wrote: »

Funny you should mention insecurity... when we first got together he did worry about coming too fast and his size. He is average or above so I have no idea why he would have an insecurity about size. He can finish quickly at times, but that's ok with me as he always has taken the time to pleasure me after. It's just this one particular occasion I felt a little crap that he got his kicks and I didn't.

We are together a few years so I assumed he wouldn't be insecure about it at this stage.

What he said has hurt me so much I have even considered making an appointment with my gynae to make sure nothing has changed down there... how crazy is that?!! It just hit me to the core that comment of his

OP, if you're together a few years, I think it's a bit different to how I saw it first. It sounds worse, really. It means he was angry (for whatever reason) but thinks it's okay to lash out with whatever is really hurtful. It's a long term issue, then, really.

Cupcake_Crisis

Op have you tried bringing it up with him again? Make sure you explain why you said what you said. Unless he's an absolute numbnuts he'll understand why you didnt get off on a 3 minute quickie. This will never be resolved until a proper conversation is had.

cantdecide

If I were you, I'd start by calmly but firmly demanding an apology and take it from there. He shouldn't speak to anyone like that but maybe he might finally decide to be a grown up. However...

WTF85 wrote: »

... It just hit me to the core that comment of his

ASSUMING you are right about inadvertently wounding his ego, it's very possible that what you said hit him to his core. You may have to accept that he may feel very hurt but of course nothing would excuse his reaction. Maybe you think he's being unreasonable but this is very possibly his view and he's entitled to feel any way he wants. If he is unwilling to accept there was a different spirit behind what you were trying to say, you have decisions to make.

WTF85 wrote: »

... I felt a little crap that he got his kicks and I didn't...

Not a healthy stance. Anyone can have tempo issues.

jammywammy

Sounds like he said it as a reaction to what he deemed as you insulting him. He does sound quite immature to me and particularly nasty given that you have obviously spoken about you being tight down there as something he enjoys.
In saying that, I think you might be over reacting by booking an appointment with your gynae.(given that you dont feel anything has changed) You need to talk to him and tell him outstraight you where hurt by what he said and see what he says to that. Thats what I would do.
Otherwise.....tell him you have not gotten looser, he just got smaller

Gooner111

Originally Posted by WTF85
... I felt a little crap that he got his kicks and I didn't...

If you felt frustrated (based on your quote above I'd say so) perhaps your attempt at a joke came out really badly - given his reaction I would say its fairly safe to assume he did not see it as a joke. He might not have seemed bothered at the time but he probably stewed over it and rather than seeing sense and talking to you he got angry and stupid. Your aware of his early concerns re size and duration so honestly saying oh that was quick may have just brought all those old concerns right back to the front or maybe it has never really gone away, just like how his comments hit your core yet your together so long. As for his comment wow that was just mean and way over the top!!!! You two are going out years so both should know certains things you should leave alone! He obviously knows your weak spot and went straight for the kill. It was silly and childish and tons of other things!!. He owes you a seriously big apology. He should have told you he was annoyed over your comment and taken things from there.

At this stage I think you both should sit down and clear the air. Regardless of your intent if you've hurt his feelings then you should apologise for your mistake. And he should seriously apologise for his reaction and promise to talk to you in future.

kylith

It does sound to me like he was hurt by your 'quick' comment and lashed out to hurt you the same way. Sit down and talk to him about it before it all gets out of hand.

kat.mac

That was a pretty cold-hearted thing for him to say to you! I'd be telling him that you're really upset and angry over it, but bear in mind that he clearly has a different take on what you said to him after the quickie.

TBH though, he sounds like a nasty little man.

kylith

kat.mac wrote: »

That was a pretty cold-hearted thing for him to say to you! I'd be telling him that you're really upset and angry over it, but bear in mind that he clearly has a different take on what you said to him after the quickie.

TBH though, he sounds like a nasty little man.

It was also a pretty cold-hearted thing for her to say to him.

squonk

Yeah maybe the OP should have had more tact at the time but I'd honestly say that if her guy was mature he'd have brought it up via a conversation. Going immediately for the nuclear option is a very nasty and horrible thing to do to a long term partner.

I'd be tempted to tell him to walk. If he reacts like tht to a small, stupid issue, who knows how he'll react when the issues are more serious. I wouldn't be bothered personally.

LegacyUser

squonk wrote: »

Yeah maybe the OP should have had more tact at the time but I'd honestly say that if her guy was mature he'd have brought it up via a conversation. Going immediately for the nuclear option is a very nasty and horrible thing to do to a long term partner.

I'd be tempted to tell him to walk. If he reacts like tht to a small, stupid issue, who knows how he'll react when the issues are more serious. I wouldn't be bothered personally.

This is the way I am leaning at the moment.
I just can't believe how what I said was a direct attack at any part of his body, it was an observation of the actual situation, not a dissing of his member!

I feel with that horrible remark he has totally destroyed my sexual confidence. I can just imagine from now on anytime I sleep with him I will be totally concious of the fact that I am not tight enough and am not pleasing him. This has long term consequences in my book. Will I ever enjoy sex again for fear of worrying about this.

Just to say that when we were talking about it, I asked was there anything else about me that bugged me... he said "no, you're totally hot, just that you wern't that tight". He also stated he "had tighter". It's like it all came out. Considering he had always told me I was the tightest ever, I do my kegels

I would never intentionally insult any part of his body - and he has a few flaws. I love him and accept him flaws and all.

I'm so pissed about the whole thing.

cantdecide

Then you should leave him immediately. You've done absolutely nothing wrong at any stage and you can't be held responsible if he picked something you said up wrong. Your perception is that it was an unprovoked attack on his part and you should leave right now because of his monstrous behaviour. You can't understand his behaviour nor should you try to. He has ruined your self esteem and you should get out of there before he tries to do it again.

ElleEm

OP, you need to realise that he only said that thing to hurt you. Get thoughts out of your head that you have change in any way down there. You haven't. You said something that he took to heart, so he said something that would hurt you. He sounds like an immature brat. Even mentioning that he has "had tighter". What an asshole!

Just as an add- on, I don't think you did anything wrong. When you engage in sex with a partner, you are under the assumption that both people will be fulfilled. You weren't, and it was totally okay for you to say it.

cantdecide

ElleEm wrote: »

When you engage in sex with a partner, you are under the assumption that both people will be fulfilled. You weren't, and it was totally okay for you to say it.

Sex isn't a contract. If you have concerns or issues, you have do deal with them in a sensitive and appropriate manner or you risk causing offence which is counter productive.

kat.mac

WTF85 wrote: »

This is the way I am leaning at the moment.
I just can't believe how what I said was a direct attack at any part of his body, it was an observation of the actual situation, not a dissing of his member!

I feel with that horrible remark he has totally destroyed my sexual confidence. I can just imagine from now on anytime I sleep with him I will be totally concious of the fact that I am not tight enough and am not pleasing him. This has long term consequences in my book. Will I ever enjoy sex again for fear of worrying about this.

OP, what you said was in no way a direct attack on his body. I'm fairly confident I've said something similar in similar circumstances and no offence was ever taken. In fact, generally I would get more attention than usual next time to make up for the earlier bout

I wouldn't worry about long-term confidence issues - however, I can see that your confidence with *this* man might be shot to bits. As I said earlier, I think it was nasty and cold-hearted. And really quite calculating. I mean he thought about that remark and knew it would really upset you - quite a repulsive thing for your partner to do. Personally, I would be giving serious consideration to walking.

ElleEm

cantdecide wrote: »

Sex isn't a contract. If you have concerns or issues, you have do deal with them in a sensitive and appropriate manner or you risk causing offence which is counter productive.

I never said sex was a contract, but it IS an activity that two people engage in, and will both have similar expectations. The OP said that her boyfriend would usually satisfy her sexually. This time, he didn't. She brought it up in a jokey way, (as per her OP). Maybe that's how they deal with things. Maybe her tone/ manner/ words did not fit the situation but she was still (IMO) within her rights to say that she didn't feel satisfied. Although her actual words were more a statement of fact "that was quick" and an invitation for more sex later. I think he overreacted.

kylith

I think he saw it as a slight on his sexual prowess, and felt that she was making a dig at him. If anyone's overreacting it's both of them, and they need to sit down and sort this out.

judgefudge

I think at this stage OP you are in danger of overreacting. It was a mean thing for him to say, I'd imagine he felt hurt and just snapped a bit.

But you're talking about going to a gyno? And never being able to enjoy sex again? And leaving him?

You should be taking this to heart so much. It's not about you. It's a nasty thing he said and he should apologise but if he is generally a nice guy and if you love him you need to sit down and talk about it without getting all worked up and hysterical.

cantdecide

kylith wrote: »

I think he saw it as a slight on his sexual prowess, and felt that she was making a dig at him. If anyone's overreacting it's both of them, and they need to sit down and sort this out.

The problem is that the OP has completely de-coupled the events that lead to the reaction and the reaction itself. In the OP's mind, this is a single incidence of unprovoked verbal attack against her in a very intimate manner and preceding events are irrelevant as is his emotional state in launching the attack. She clearly disputes the legitimacy of his feelings.

With this is mind, the OP's OH would have to accept responsibility entirely without the opportunity to discuss mitigating factors. Unless her OH is prepared to accept 100% responsibility for all consequences, this is a stalemate. Even then, it has caused untold and potentially permanent emotional trauma to her and it's a matter of grave concern as to whether he should be forgiven. The way I see it, as it appears today, this is insurmountable and a split is the only logical outcome.

dannyc31

This is the way I am leaning at the moment.
I just can't believe how what I said was a direct attack at any part of his body, it was an observation of the actual situation, not a dissing of his member!

I feel with that horrible remark he has totally destroyed my sexual confidence. I can just imagine from now on anytime I sleep with him I will be totally concious of the fact that I am not tight enough and am not pleasing him. This has long term consequences in my book. Will I ever enjoy sex again for fear of worrying about this.

Just to say that when we were talking about it, I asked was there anything else about me that bugged me... he said "no, you're totally hot, just that you wern't that tight". He also stated he "had tighter". It's like it all came out. Considering he had always told me I was the tightest ever, I do my kegels

I would never intentionally insult any part of his body - and he has a few flaws. I love him and accept him flaws and all.

I'm so pissed about the whole thing.

WOW this has blown out of all proportion here. the guy still clearly has a hang up about coming too soon. the problem is he probably thought he was getting over it somewhat as after a few years with you it was never brought up as an issue, then all of a sudden "BAM" out of nowhere you dropped this on him. it might of sounded like an off the cuff remark to you tell him he needed to make it up to you by giving you a million orgasms etc but to him it was all his insecurities and anxieties coming back to haunt him all at once. he probably went to work raging all that day and men can often be childish when it comes to situations like this.

as i have said before men, are just not as good as women with dealing with their emotions and his natural reaction was to go on the defensive/offensive and come up with ways to get even. i know it sounds immature and childish but unfortunately from my studies this is how the male brain works.

the best thing that could of happened is you talked things out when the initial incident happened and re-assured him that it was not an attack on his sexual preformance. for men alot of insecurity comes from the fact that if they cannot satisfy their woman in bed then what is to stop her getting bored and going off with someone else? its also another awful technique used by abusive men, they make snippy, cruel remarks about their girlfriend destroying their confidence and making them believe that they could do no better anyway and so they should be lucky to be in the relationship they are in. you dont want it to end up like this as this would be a total disaster.

if you want to fix this before it gets out of hand you need to sit down and talk to him, firstly tell him you were sorry about the initial comments you made that night and that you are still very happy with him. you might say, double standards here but i think he is the childish one so the adult is gonna have to be you in this situation. then after that he'll realise what he said he didnt mean and should apologise about it. tell him then how hurtful it was for you and let the whole situation blow over.

Queen-Mise

I would strangle him by the b*ll*cks for that comment :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: Or I would feel like doing it anyway.


OK - more serious now. The male ego is the most fragile thing on this planet. It is like living with a walking, talking fragile glass bowl. His pride was pricked, he pricked back (excuse the pun).

One was said flippantly, the other said with a hurt ego. The two of you now have incredibly bruised egos.


Talk this out. If you can solve this - then your relationship can be the stronger for it. If he is inclined to come quick - then have him bring him to orgasm before penetrative sex. And then the two of you will be inclined to come together again with the sex.

Cupcake_Crisis

Am I only the only woman who thinks that it's a bit strange for a man to be hurt by a comment on how fast he was during a QUICKIE??? The point of a quickie is to be quick!!!! Surely he knew this?

cantdecide

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Am I only the only woman who thinks that it's a bit strange for a man to be hurt by a comment on how fast he was during a QUICKIE??? The point of a quickie is to be quick!!!! Surely he knew this?

I think it's the reverse, if anything, CC. He was offended by the critique of his quickness by the OP who may have had grander ideas of what a quickie entails.

P. Breathnach

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Am I only the only woman who thinks that it's a bit strange for a man to be hurt by a comment on how fast he was during a QUICKIE??? The point of a quickie is to be quick!!!! Surely he knew this?

That's not really at issue. He might be hurt by an implication that he left her unsatisfied. It's not worth arguing about whether or not it was a reasonable reaction to what OP said: emotions are not very much amenable to logic.

I buy into the idea that he was hurt, and lashed out in retaliation. Now both parties are hurt.

cantdecide

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I buy into the idea that he was hurt, and lashed out in retaliation. Now both parties are hurt.

It can't be retrieved unless the OP accepts this. From her latest replies it looks like the OP is only concerned about the hurt that she is experiencing so that's not going to happen any time soon.

LegacyUser

I think he was in some way trying to immaturely get back at your comment. but i would be really annoyed at his comment as it was purposely trying to hurt you, while your comment was a more tounge in cheek comment, it would irk me his level of maliciousness to hurt you.

Can i ask, aside from that comment.

Has he ever said other comments (not necessarily sexual) that are aimed at running you down? Perhaps not

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for all your comments and suggestions. You've all helped me stay sane through this

So, I have tried my best to have a rational and calm conversation with him about this. He refuses to engage in any talk regarding this issue. It's as though he just wants us both to sweep it under the carpet, forget about it and move on as if it were nothing.

He must think I am as hard as old nails if he has no idea what he said hurt me. He won't spit it out and say if what I said hurt him or not - he is being a stupid silly hard man and saying nothing!

I honestly can't see a future for us if something like this turns into such an issue for me. I dread the though of breaking up, but I can't be with someone who won't discuss our problems.

Why are men and their egos so weird?!!

kat.mac

Sorry to hear that OP. FWIW, reckon I'd be feeling the same way in similar circumstances.

Don't give up hope yet though. Maybe try writing him a note or letter to explain what you want to talk about and why you need to talk it out?

dannyc31

So, I have tried my best to have a rational and calm conversation with him about this. He refuses to engage in any talk regarding this issue. It's as though he just wants us both to sweep it under the carpet, forget about it and move on as if it were nothing.

He must think I am as hard as old nails if he has no idea what he said hurt me. He won't spit it out and say if what I said hurt him or not - he is being a stupid silly hard man and saying nothing!

I honestly can't see a future for us if something like this turns into such an issue for me. I dread the though of breaking up, but I can't be with someone who won't discuss our problems.

Why are men and their egos so weird?!!

hey dont label us all weird in this area it is a bigger deal for men when it comes to anything to do with their penis that s just a fact that ladies will just have to accept.

but on a serious note he sounds very immature and you should be able to talk to him about this stuff. a mature man would sit down and talk about it to come to a solution once an for all. if every problem is gonna be solved by him trying to get snipey remarks back at you then you are gonna have alot of problems dealing with big issues in the future. imagine if you had a young baby with this guy? you do sound like you are suggesting you could move on from this relationships which suggests to me that perhaps things are just coming to a natural end with it. but its gonna be all up to you.

just think about what it is you really want and not what other people think or expect of you. then you can decide once and for all is it time to stay or go.

RossFixxxed

The fact he can't have a conversation about it is worrying. It seems like things run deeper here. You may need to reassess. Try talking to him and explain how important it is once more. If you can't talk about these things... maybe reconsider?

Sorry OP but it is a warning sign that things are off and should be investigated IMHO.

Also don't label all men the same, it comes across as insulting and naiive. I'm sure it's not meant that way at all, but something to be aware of while you try to have a delicate conversation with your BF. Careful HOW you get the message across.

LegacyUser

Sorry guys, no offence meant by my generalisation! I meant my guy being weird, not all men. I am well aware most men do not act in such a childish way.

As it turns out, he today revealed he has financial issues and is under stress. I wish to god he told me this sooner. He still hasn't specificly apologised for what he said to me (I have).

Am I wrong for thinking even though he has been under strain that he still should not have said what he said to me? I don't want to make it a lingering issue, so am gonna drop it for now and see how he behaves should anything else like this arise.

Thanks guys and girls for all your help and support. xxx

P. Breathnach

WTF85 wrote: »

...
Am I wrong for thinking even though he has been under strain that he still should not have said what he said to me?...

Of course he shouldn't have said it. But I can understand it: wounded pride about his masculinity, which is a really big deal for some men. And that same machismo can make it very difficult for men to see the hurt that they can cause to their partners or, when it is drawn to their attention, find it very difficult to apologise. I'm not defending what he said or his failure to apologise: I'm trying to help you see that this is not really exceptional.

I don't want to make it a lingering issue, so am gonna drop it for now and see how he behaves should anything else like this arise.

Given how much you were upset by what he said, that is very generous of you.

Excessive machismo is a bad thing. It would be good if you were to encourage him to take a gentler view of the world in general, and your relationship in particular. That is what some people mean by a man getting in touch with his feminine side. But when he is angry or frustrated is not the best time.

I hope you both get through this, and get to a better place.

dannyc31

Excessive machismo is a bad thing. It would be good if you were to encourage him to take a gentler view of the world in general, and your relationship in particular. That is what some people mean by a man getting in touch with his feminine side. But when he is angry or frustrated is not the best time.

this makes alot of sense. the guy is overly macho. probably the type that was told as a boy that crying is for sissys. its a big problem with men and actually if you were to look at some of those men who suffer from depression or even worse, take there own lives, its because they put these massive pressures, overly manly traditions on themselves like "i'm the man, i'm the break-winner, i'm the stronger in the relationship, i'm the problem solver" etc etc.

it explains why he didnt tell you that he was suffering with financial problems, because in his mind he's not suppose to have those problems and if he does he feels he's suppose to fix them himself and not worry you about them. almost like he'd feel he's failing in his duty as a man if he had of told you which is exactly the same reason he reacted the way he did about your original comment about the sex. its all down to not be very good with communication and dealing with emotions.

i actually think its a positive that he told you about the financial problems as it means he may be letting the guard down a bit and opening up somemore. he needs to realise everyone has weaknessess from time to time, no manis an island and especially since he is in a relationship, he should be allowing you both to help each other in times of weakness.

best of luck with it anyway.