Boyfriend watching porn.. Okay or Not Okay?

Bummppd

It's a tricky one no doubt! We've been together for two years, and I've known since we got together that he watched porn as we were friends before we started a relationship, But lately I'm finding it's bothering me more and more. I often come across porn sites recently viewed on the computer nothing mad or anything just normal run of the mill stuff, But it's really difficult not to feel.. I dunno, Jealous???? I know it sounds totally irrational, But I could never compare to some of these women and can't help wondering if that's what he really wants, and if by chance he met someone who could compare would he be gone like a shot? Am I going mad? What you think???

lazygal

I have major ethical issues with porn. I haven't changed my mind about it, I think there's a lot of damaged people in the industry and I don't like how its now seen as a 'normal' part of a healthy sex life and that its acceptable to have to deal with it in a relationship as though its just part of what one's repertoire involves. I'm lucky as my husband feels just like I do and isn't and never has been interested in it, apart from a few sneaky peeks at mags when he was a teenager. And I know there'll be a chorus of 'you're being so naive, every man likes it, they just don't tell you', I know my husband so that's not the case. I also know there'll be a chorus of 'I'm a woman and I watch it, no harm done, its something I enjoy, there's no exploitation' but I don't think that's the case.

If I was with someone and they disregarded my feelings on something like this, it would be a red flag for me. I wouldn't feel like i was being compared or had to engage in what's going on in the movies but I would feel like the other person felt their desire to watch it was more important than my feelings. And that wouldn't be okay with me.

I'm fully expecting a lot of people to disagree with me, which is okay too.

Whispered

If you have an active sex life and everything in your relationship is fine I wouldn't worry about it to be honest.

The only time I'd worry would be if he's not interested in you, or is staying up half the night watching porn while you're in bed waiting for him.

I don't think it means he'd be gone like a shot either. Many people in happy relationships watch porn, it's not the same as cheating. The women in the films are fantasies, characters, they're not real.

If your relationship is good otherwise, I'd try not worry about it. Maybe you could ask him to clear the history. Yes it's like burying your head in the sand I guess, but at least it's not staring you in the face.

I totally understand your feelings on it, but it's not a reflection on you or your relationship at all.

EDIT: Lazygal is 100% right though too, if it's something you genuinely feel strongly about and he doesn't take your feelings into consideration then that might be an issue. I think that goes for everything.

Lucyfur

Moved from tLL

28064212

Bummppd wrote: »

and if by chance he met someone who could compare would he be gone like a shot?

Every day he likely meets someone more physically attractive than you, or smarter than you, or funnier than you. Has he left yet? Similarly, you likely meet someone who's more attractive, smarter or funnier every day, have you dropped him?

On a related note, do you ever watch the latest McConaughey/Dempsey/Grant rom-com and think "I'd love to have a boyfriend who'd whisk me away to Paris at a moment's notice". Does that mean you'd drop your boyfriend if you met someone who could compare?

XxMCRxBabyxX

I don't know how I feel about it tbh. I know my boyfriend watches it but I have also seen it destroy people, relationships and families. I don't understand it but I don't feel that I could just tell my boyfriend to stop watching it either. I tend just avoid and ignore the topic.

Bummppd

Yeah I see what both of you are saying, But I haven't really told him how I feel about it, Kind of just laughed it off. We do have an active sex life and he doesn't watch it ALL the time or anything, Just mainly feel like certain things he'd see while watching it would be what he'd want, And I'm in no way a prude but I wouldn't be the most confident person and that would include in that area too.

redappple

I have no problem with my OH watching porn, and I watch it too. I have always watched porn before he met me and I know he watched porn before we met (bit of a no-brainer!) and I don't see why us being together should mean we can't enjoy a little porn when on our own?

Now I have just seen a thread in AH titled '"Is masturbation better than sex", now this I have a problem with! If he (or you, or me, or anyone) is enjoying masturbating alone to porn better than having sex with a partner then that is an issue!

ElleEm

For most guys, porn is just an aid to masturbation. I have never seen/ heard of it ruining lives or families.
It is a private thing that your boyfriend does when he masturbates and if it is not affecting your relationship, then I think you should let him on.

redappple

ElleEm wrote: »

For most guys, porn is just an aid to masturbation. I have never seen/ heard of it ruining lives or families.

+1

XxMCRxBabyxX

ElleEm wrote: »

For most guys, porn is just an aid to masturbation. I have never seen/ heard of it ruining lives or families.
It is a private thing that your boyfriend does when he masturbates and if it is not affecting your relationship, then I think you should let him on.

You may not have seen or heard of it ruin lives/families but I can assure you that it does happen.

judgefudge

Just echo what others have said, porn watching is natural. Men and women do it, believe it or not.

The only time it becomes a problem is if they prefer it to sex with a partner, or if they cannot get aroused with a partner.

judgefudge

lazygal wrote: »

If I was with someone and they disregarded my feelings on something like this, it would be a red flag for me. I wouldn't feel like i was being compared or had to engage in what's going on in the movies but I would feel like the other person felt their desire to watch it was more important than my feelings. And that wouldn't be okay with me.

You're obviously entitled to feel however you want about this. I just don't really understand it. Why would your feeling that you don't want your partner to watch porn outweigh their desire to watch it? Just because it is not ok ethically with you surely doesn't mean you can impose your beliefs on someone else? Obviously you choose a partner based on your own wants in life but I just don't understand where you are coming from I guess.

I don't think it's fair to tell him to stop OP. as long as your sex life is ok. What you could do is work on your insecurities if you think he is comparing you to the women in the videos. Although I seriously doubt he is. It's like him saying you can't watch Ryan Gosling movies anymore because you find him attractive?

Bummppd

judgefudge wrote: »

You're obviously entitled to feel however you want about this. I just don't really understand it. Why would your feeling that you don't want your partner to watch porn outweigh their desire to watch it? Just because it is not ok ethically with you surely doesn't mean you can impose your beliefs on someone else? Obviously you choose a partner based on your own wants in life but I just don't understand where you are coming from I guess.

I don't think it's fair to tell him to stop OP. as long as your sex life is ok. What you could do is work on your insecurities if you think he is comparing you to the women in the videos. Although I seriously doubt he is. It's like him saying you can't watch Ryan Gosling movies anymore because you find him attractive?

It's not as much the attractiveness of the women, as their lack of inhibitions if ya know what I mean?!

lazygal

judgefudge wrote: »

You're obviously entitled to feel however you want about this. I just don't really understand it. Why would your feeling that you don't want your partner to watch porn outweigh their desire to watch it? Just because it is not ok ethically with you surely doesn't mean you can impose your beliefs on someone else? Obviously you choose a partner based on your own wants in life but I just don't understand where you are coming from I guess.

I don't think it's fair to tell him to stop OP. as long as your sex life is ok. What you could do is work on your insecurities if you think he is comparing you to the women in the videos. Although I seriously doubt he is. It's like him saying you can't watch Ryan Gosling movies anymore because you find him attractive?

I have major issues with porn on an ethical level. I've studied the industry for college projects and the whole business is nothing i want in my life. i know that's extreme, but we all draw our own lines about what we consider acceptable. My partner feels pretty much the same way I did. If we were going out for two years and he knew how I felt about it, but continued to do it, I'd be reconsidering the relationship. I'd either have to accept he likes watching it so much my feelings on it don't matter as much as his continued consumption of it, or I'd have to leave. People have all sorts of deal breakers in relationships. Some people don't want to relocate to be with a partner, or don't want kids, or won't date a smoker. Porn is a red line issue for me, and when I was dating, I had no problem in saying it. I think it contributes to a lot of negative aspects of modern sexuality, like the pressure on younger girls to perform sex acts because their boyfriends think everyone does anal, or the pressure on women to get every pubic hair waxed because it provides better money shots, or the fact so many people who are damaged get involved in the industry.

I'm fully aware my view isn't popular and porn is widely consumed by a large variety of people who don't see anything wrong with it. But just like some consider meat eating repugnant, I feel the same about porn and it plays no part in my relationship. I agree with another poster about it damaging relationships. I've seen this happen first hand in my group of friends and most relationship counsellors will tell you its a major issue.

judgefudge

Bummppd wrote: »

It's not as much the attractiveness of the women, as their lack of inhibitions if ya know what I mean?!

The OP said he was watching "normal" porn. No strange specific fetish that he is into? I watch porn myself and I'm not looking at the men thinking "I wish my boyfriend was like him". I think, particularly for people who don't watch porn and don't see the attraction, it can be hard to understand. It's not even really about the people involved, it's about the act and just getting a little pleasure out of it. It's normal in most cases!

judgefudge

lazygal wrote: »

I'm fully aware my view isn't popular and porn is widely consumed by a large variety of people who don't see anything wrong with it. But just like some consider meat eating repugnant, I feel the same about porn and it plays no part in my relationship. I agree with another poster about it damaging relationships. I've seen this happen first hand in my group of friends and most relationship counsellors will tell you its a major issue.

I accept your point of view, and of course I know that porn can and does cause problems in relationships. But surely you can also accept that for many men, in particular, it is a normal part of life that is relatively harmless. Views on the industry aside, porn is common and often times harmless within relationships.

Bummppd

judgefudge wrote: »

The OP said he was watching "normal" porn. No strange specific fetish that he is into? I watch porn myself and I'm not looking at the men thinking "I wish my boyfriend was like him". I think, particularly for people who don't watch porn and don't see the attraction, it can be hard to understand. It's not even really about the people involved, it's about the act and just getting a little pleasure out of it. It's normal in most cases!

No, Mostly just what you'd expect, Don't think I can go into detail?! It obviously comes down to my own insecurities at the end of the day, I'm under no illusions about him being attracted to pretty girls and that doesn't bother me, I just kind of feel under pressure to act like the girls he see's in these movies,

judgefudge

Bummppd wrote: »

No, Mostly just what you'd expect, Don't think I can go into detail?! It obviously comes down to my own insecurities at the end of the day, I'm under no illusions about him being attracted to pretty girls and that doesn't bother me, I just kind of feel under pressure to act like the girls he see's in these movies,

Hmm. Well unless he's actually putting that pressure on you you're just doing it to yourself then...

endacl

Bummppd wrote: »

I could never compare to some of these women and can't help wondering if that's what he really wants?

No, you don't compare. You don't do porn. Hold on to that thought.

ElleEm

In my opinion, it's watching the sex act that gets people off, not what the people look like.
Myself and my boyfriend watch porn (both separately and together) but if you asked him 15 mins after watching it to identify the girl in a line- up, he couldn't. I saw something before on the net about the difference of where guys and girls look when they watch porn. Girls tend to focus more on the actors (?) faces, where guys focus their eyes/ attention on the genital area of both the men and women.

RossFixxxed

Like anything it can be abused, addicting etc, but generally it's a quick 'get the rocks off and forget about it' thing for people.

You could turn this around and use it as a way to talk to your OH about things. If you have inhibitions, fine, if you aren't comfortable with things, fine, but not talking about them is a very bad thing.

Have a look inwards and see what makes you so insecure. Talk to your OH.

Most intelligent men know the difference between fantasy on TV (porn or otherwise) and real life. Those who don't are a worry.

thier

I watch porn on a regular basis and I'm a woman. I know my boyfriend watches porn and I think you'd be hard pressed to find a guy (who is reasonably tech savvy) that doesn't.

The only problem I have had in the past is that men start doing things in the bedroom that they could only have seen in porn, and that upsets me a bit - because in most of the porn I've seen, women are very much subservient to the man, and I'd hate to think that my boyfriend sees me in that way. If he's being particularly animalistic that might concern me, but then I have a double standard, because I know that when I'm highly aroused I become quite animalistic too and I see nothing wrong with that. I guess it has to do with the kind of upbringing I had where sex was a taboo topic, and there's this feeling of it being 'wrong'.

You just have to remember that sex is a basic need for everyone. The pleasure derived from it has little to do with perceived attractiveness or emotional attachment; it's just a raw animal instinct.

redappple

thier wrote: »

I watch porn on a regular basis and I'm a woman. I know my boyfriend watches porn and I think you'd be hard pressed to find a guy (who is reasonably tech savvy) that doesn't.

Link to a Canadian study which had to stop after they could not find any 20-something men who had never seen porn in their life!!!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1232787/Pornography-study-doomed-fail-scientists-single-man-hadnt-viewed-x-rated-material.html

OP, as a porn watcher don't worry about him comparing you to them. He doesn't. He watches, gets off and turns it off ASAP. Do you honestly think men would compare their loving, beautiful, sexy, girlfriends to a porn star (PS I don't know you but remember whatever you think of yourself; you are loving, beautiful and sexy in your boyfriends eyes so don't question that!). Most of them wouldn't be caught dead dating a porn star!

For now, rest assured that he is in no way watching porn to upset or compare you. In the meantime, maybe you could think about becoming more confident with your own sexual needs and your own body, why not try looking at some porn alone yourself and see if this could help you?

Bummppd

redappple wrote: »

Link to a Canadian study which had to stop after they could not find any 20-something men who had never seen porn in their life!!!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1232787/Pornography-study-doomed-fail-scientists-single-man-hadnt-viewed-x-rated-material.html

OP, as a porn watcher don't worry about him comparing you to them. He doesn't. He watches, gets off and turns it off ASAP. Do you honestly think men would compare their loving, beautiful, sexy, girlfriends to a porn star (PS I don't know you but remember whatever you think of yourself; you are loving, beautiful and sexy in your boyfriends eyes so don't question that!). Most of them wouldn't be caught dead dating a porn star!

For now, rest assured that he is in no way watching porn to upset or compare you. In the meantime, maybe you could think about becoming more confident with your own sexual needs and your own body, why not try looking at some porn alone yourself and see if this could help you?

I've always been shy when it comes to things like that, and I've watched some of the vids he had, and it's not that it made me uncomfortable just a bit cringy! I think your right tho, It is a confidence issue on my part. And thanks you did make me feel a bit better!!

strandroad

I'll go against the grain OP.

As a rule of thumb I would take that if a man in a healthy relationship spends more time watching porn than having sex/being intimate with his partner there's some sort of a problem there. It's not like he's single and needs to let off the steam all the time. Make calculations and decide about what takes precedence in your relationship, porn or yourself. Is it a spice or the dinner, so to speak.

If you find it cringy then you find it cringy. There is no rule saying that everyone must like everything. I have no major moral objections against porn (it is exploitative, but so are various other industries we don't think twice about) but to me personally watching run of the mill porn is like having a diet of McDonalds/takeways or getting excited about crappy lowest denominator TV shows. I wouldn't ditch a friend who does it but I wouldn't be looking for those traits in a partner. If a partner displays them, I would have to think if they are deal breakers or not but I wouldn't deny myself the right to not like them. People may say ah sure everyone loves McDonalds or Tallafornia, while the truth is they are popular, but hardly universal. Definitely alarm bells should go off, when this stuff is consumed more often than something more worthwhile. Like, you know, sex with one's girlfriend.

redappple wrote: »

In the meantime, maybe you could think about becoming more confident with your own sexual needs and your own body, why not try looking at some porn alone yourself and see if this could help you?

And this is exactly how porn norms permeate real life, when a girl is recommended to model her sex life on porn. OP, if you'd like to find more sexual inspiration/liberation, there are plenty of DVD/online/book resources without the need to refer to porn, where women are not only often subservient/objectified, but also fake and standardised. You can do so much better if you want to work on your sensuality.

Squ

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

You may not have seen or heard of it ruin lives/families but I can assure you that it does happen.

How did you hear of it? Cant say i have, though i haven't looked too hard either..

I'm very attracted to my wife on every possible level. I didn't believe in 'soulmates' till i met her.

Very active sex life, but no issue with watching porn. Sometimes she wants in, sometimes not..

Cant see the issue, you knew he watched porn prior to your relationship, so the only thing that seems to have changed is your self confidence. Try having a discussion about that without trying to blame his healthy porn watching.

XxMCRxBabyxX

Squ wrote: »

How did you hear of it? Cant say i have, though i haven't looked too hard either..

Personal experience and also further stories and research due to that experience.

Squ

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Personal experience and also further stories and research due to that experience.

You have personal experience of porn ruining families and are only now having a problem with him enjoying it?


Edit; apologies, thought you were the op!!

PrincessPreach

How does it ruin lives out of curiousity?

strandroad

PrincessPreach wrote: »

How does it ruin lives out of curiousity?

Porn addiction is a recognised problem. Not every porn watcher will become an addict of course, but every porn addict used to be a watcher.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography_addiction

PrincessPreach

mhge wrote: »

Porn addiction is a recognised problem. Not every porn watcher will become an addict of course, but every porn addict used to be a watcher.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography_addiction

fair enough.

EventHorizon

Hmm I think if everything is ok in your relationship, it doesn't come between you in any emotional or physical way I don't see the harm. I think men are more visual than women and I wouldn't take it personal.. not so sure if its even the women they are looking at but more the act itself?. Don't take it personal just speak to him about it or watch with him?.

OkayWhatever

I'm 20 and i've never watched porn. It's just something that doesn't appeal to me at all, i've no 'interest' in it.

My boyfriend watches it,not sure how regularly as I don't deem it a necessary conversation to have.I don't have a problem with it,now.

I used to at the start of the relationship when my confidence was low and I felt bad about my looks and the way I was really. The more confident I got with myself, mostly as a result of my boyfriend's compliments,blatant love and just looking at me like I was somebody special, the more comfortable I got with him watching porn.

I personally think that the more confident you feel about yourself, your relationship and in your partner's feelings towards you has a lot to do with how comfortable you are with him watching porn.

lazygal

EventHorizon wrote: »

Hmm I think if everything is ok in your relationship, it doesn't come between you in any emotional or physical way I don't see the harm. I think men are more visual than women and I wouldn't take it personal.. not so sure if its even the women they are looking at but more the act itself?. Don't take it personal just speak to him about it or watch with him?.

But it does come between them. She's unhappy about him watching it but he continues to do it. He's disregarding her feelings, therefore its a problem.

Bummppd

lazygal wrote: »

But it does come between them. She's unhappy about him watching it but he continues to do it. He's disregarding her feelings, therefore its a problem.

Well I've never really told him how it made me feel, Although when it came up in conversation it was quite obvious I wasn't that happy about it. As I said yesterday I think it may be a confidence issue on my part, How can I expect him to be happy with me if I'm not happy with myself I suppose??

Squ

lazygal wrote: »

But it does come between them. She's unhappy about him watching it but he continues to do it. He's disregarding her feelings, therefore its a problem.

Think you're putting words/ideas in her mouth there..

Edit; op got there before me

Squ

Bummppd wrote: »

As I said yesterday I think it may be a confidence issue on my part, How can I expect him to be happy with me if I'm not happy with myself I suppose??

Can you not talk to him about your confidence?
Forget the fecking porn at this stage.

Bummppd

Squ wrote: »

Can you not talk to him about your confidence?
Forget the fecking porn at this stage.

Yeah I think the porn is just something I picked on tbf, The problem definitely lies deeper. Well he knows me inside out, He knows I'm shy and was never really confident, In any aspects of my life not just in the bedroom. But maybe I'm expecting too much in as far as him having to watch what he does/says in order not to knock my confidence even more!

Squ

Bummppd wrote: »

Yeah I think the porn is just something I picked on tbf, The problem definitely lies deeper. Well he knows me inside out, He knows I'm shy and was never really confident, In any aspects of my life not just in the bedroom. But maybe I'm expecting too much in as far as him having to watch what he does/says in order not to knock my confidence even more!

I think if you said exactly that to him you would have something to work on.

We all need a bit of extra tlc every now and then.