Am I just an idiot??

LegacyUser

Hello All,

I really feel I have to get this off my chest, even though its so ridiculous and my own fault.
Anyway, I was out one night a few months ago and I met this guy, I was pretty drunk and don't really remember how I got taking to him...anyways long story short I went back to his place that night and we slept together.
The next morning he asked me for my phone number and gave it to him, even though I wasn't really that bothered as I barely knew him!! So off I went and to be honest I never thought I would hear from him again. But I did! And so we would text during the week, and then if I was out I would text him to see if he was out etc.
I then ended up going back and sleeping with him a total of about 4 times, and by this stage I was starting to like him. But I would always act a bit awkward the next morning because it felt kind of wrong and we weren't dating or anything.
He would always initiate the texts and I was always hoping maybe he would ask me out, but never did! I just came out of a long term relationship so was a bit unsure the whole time, and I would never have had a ONS with anyone before!
But then I never heard from him again, and its only now that I realize I really do like him, I feel so disappointed and every morning when I wake up I think about him now, how pathetic!! I just felt like I screwed up a chance to date him, by acting a bit awkward.
Or was he just looking for casual sex the whole time, and then after a few times got fed up? If he just wanted a ONS why would he have kept in contact and taken my number?
Sorry if this is long winded but now I genuinely feel really upset and keep thinking I should have behaved differently and I would have had a chance.
Thanks to anyone who read this!!

johnr1

Sadly for you, I think you got it right when you guessed that he was only in it for the casual sex.
Alternatively, maybe he just met someone he liked more, or got back with an ex or any of a hundred other reasons.

He took and kept your number so as to have it for whenever he wanted a hookup again.

Hard as it is to hear and accept, - he has your number, and if he really wanted to use it, then he would. There is NO point in wrecking your head trying to figure out which of these reasons it is, as that DOESEN'T MATTER.

You're better off to find someone who does feel the same as you do about them, as if you had ended up in a relationship with him, he'd probably have left at some point anyway when he got a better offer or when his interest faded.

Good luck, and keep meeting new people.

Edit to add, I've been him, and I've also been Mr Chaser, what made the difference was who the other was and how much I wanted them.

ElleEm

I agree with John, it seems like it was a booty call kinda situation for him.

I doubt how you acted affected the situation, it would seem that it was maybe only going to be casual sex for him.

Don't get too caught up in the what- ifs, though. Just try to focus your attention on something else.

Mind yourself x

28064212

IamthOP wrote: »

...
He would always initiate the texts and I was always hoping maybe he would ask me out, but never did

That part jumped out at me. So you never made any attempt to ask him out? Why on earth don't you just text him and ask if he wants to meet up? If he doesn't, you have your answer and you've lost nothing

cantdecide

28064212 wrote: »

That part jumped out at me. So you never made any attempt to ask him out? Why on earth don't you just text him and ask if he wants to meet up? If he doesn't, you have your answer and you've lost nothing

+1

I agree with the posts above that you've probably been in a booty call situation.

This however, is a tiny possibility that the above is true and he is just sick of chasing you. I believe that if you've identified this guy as someone you really like, I think you owe it to yourself to confirm and eliminate any chance of what-ifs in the future.

beks101

You were basically a sure thing to him, so he filed you under 'booty call' and that was that.

Next time if you like someone, ask them out yourself. It saves a lot of headfcuk believe me.

Merkin

Being awkward in the morning has nothing to do with this. Don't do a post mortem on your own behaviour, you were simply being yourself at the time and that's all that matters. The situation was merely a ONS which developed into him seeing you as a Booty Call - a fun and mutually beneficial arrangement until one party falls for the other and unfortunately you've fallen for him which he probably knows and has cut you loose. Much kinder than stringing you along and pretending it's going somewhere when he's only it for a bit of fun. Don't beat yourself up about it. If you think that you're likely to fall for people you sleep with then maybe wait a little longer to sleep with someone and/or if you have another ONS be prepared to leave it at that.

If you really like him (you've nothing to lose) then why don't you text him to see how he is during the cold light of day? If you establish a bit of banter and he suggests hooking up why don't you ask him when he's taking you out for a drink? You'll soon have your answer as to whether there's the potential for something more.

dannyc31

If you think that you're likely to fall for people you sleep with then maybe wait a little longer to sleep with someone and/or if you have another ONS be prepared to leave it at that.

i agree with this. did you really have to sleep with him on the first night? a general rule should be to play a little hard to get. look i know women enjoy sex just as much as men but men can have unemotional sex with women to a much higher level than women can. he would of happily had you as a booty call for 6 months and never asked you out on a date if he thought you would let him away with it.

do not dwell on this guy he just done what any single man would do. what you need to do is work on your own strategy. try to avoid ONS if you feel you like the guy. the truth is men, enjoy the chase, its a primal thing going back to our prehistoric past. if he was interested he would chase you until you would agree to sleep with him. hopefully by that stage you have went on a few dates and he has started to like you the person and not just the idea of sleepig with you.

men will lose interest in a girl if she sleeps with him too fast, as in his mind she was too easy and was most likely easy for any other guys out there who she met. the age old tradition of men wanting there wives to be virgins at the alter holds true. obviously this is very rarely the case but on an unconscience level its gonna be a put off if you are a ONS for him from the point of view of you being anything other than a booty call.

my advice for you in the future if you are looking for sometime more long term is try yo avoid ONS with fellas you like, and if you have a general rule such as "you go back to their place on the 3rd or 4th date", double down. i.e. make it the 6th or 7th date instead.

best of luck in the future and just put this experience down as a lesson learnt about men.

judgefudge

dannyc31 wrote: »

do not dwell on this guy he just done what any single man would do. what you need to do is work on your own strategy. try to avoid ONS if you feel you like the guy. the truth is men, enjoy the chase, its a primal thing going back to our prehistoric past. if he was interested he would chase you until you would agree to sleep with him. hopefully by that stage you have went on a few dates and he has started to like you the person and not just the idea of sleepig with you.

men will lose interest in a girl if she sleeps with him too fast, as in his mind she was too easy and was most likely easy for any other guys out there who she met. the age old tradition of men wanting there wives to be virgins at the alter holds true. obviously this is very rarely the case but on an unconscience level its gonna be a put off if you are a ONS for him from the point of view of you being anything other than a booty call.

my advice for you in the future if you are looking for sometime more long term is try yo avoid ONS with fellas you like, and if you have a general rule such as "you go back to their place on the 3rd or 4th date", double down. i.e. make it the 6th or 7th date instead.

best of luck in the future and just put this experience down as a lesson learnt about men.

There are so many ridiculous generalisations here. I slept with my current boyfriend the first night we met. We both had fun, nobody got hurt, it's all good. So please stop generalising about men.

To be fair OP when you have a ONS and you're hooking up with someone you have to be able to accept that they might want nothing more. He doesn't appear to have led you on. Just because you started to like him does not make it a relationship.

jammywammy

From what you are saying I think he calls you as his booty call. He's not going to ask you out as he now thinks the relationship is just a sexual one. If you like him and want to go out with him, ask him out. If you have feelings and dont want to do the asking, move on. You will only keep sleeping with him, thinking its more than it is, and you will get hurt. Be brave and go for it

cantdecide

dannyc31 wrote: »

put this experience down as a lesson learnt about men.

I think it's important that the OP knows that dannyc31 is speaking for himself. Almost none of that would count for me tbh.

dannyc31

I think it's important that the OP knows that dannyc31 is speaking for himself. Almost none of that would count for me tbh.

exactly. all i'm doing is sharing an opinion like everyone else here. i'm not trying to claim its gospel under any circumstances. but i'm sure it relates to many where-as many others it doesnt. but i do speak from a point of view of a alot of research and studies on the subject and of many men that would agree with me. its up to every individual to make their own judgement on their own situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Yeah I guess as someone said I probably shouldn't have ONS's! I never did that thinking I would end up liking him to be honest. But I never had a ONS before so didn't realise.

As for people saying I should ask him out: He sent me a text on Xmas Eve wishing me a merry Xmas, not to give too much info away but it was an affectionate text, I had no credit so I didn't text back for a few days, so I texted a few days later and that's when I got no reply at all. So would I be making a fool of myself if I texted him again? I'm more than likely going to meet him out again as we go to the same places, don't want to humiliate myself!! But I kind of feel like I ruined my chances.


Thanks again

Merkin

Yes, definitely text him. Send him a jokey text saying that you FINALLY have credit for a change and asking him how he is. If you like him you've nothing to lose and if he likes you back he'll be delighted to hear from you.

beks101

OPhere wrote: »

so I didn't text back for a few days,

He probably took this as 'meh, can't be bothered' if you didn't explain your lack of credit, I know I would.

Text him again, seriously what's the worst that can happen? Sometimes you have to take risks to get what you want, especially in your dating life. Consider this your first lesson in that.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Yes, definitely text him. Send him a jokey text saying that you FINALLY have credit for a change and asking him how he is. If you like him you've nothing to lose and if he likes you back he'll be delighted to hear from you.

Thanks Merkin.
You see I did text back a few days later saying I had no credit, did you have a nice xmas etc etc and that's when I didn't get a response. So I just feel like an idiot contacting him again. I'm not very experienced with dating so I don't know what to do! I know people are saying go for it, I have nothing to lose but I don't know what to say? Has too much time past now? Its been a few weeks now
Thanks again

cantdecide

This is definitely a hope for the best, prepare for the worst situation, OP. There's a lot of evidence that he's not interested but there's a chance it's all got lost in a haze of mixed signals. If I were you, I'd take the attitude that if you take the initiative and make it clear you're opening the door, you will get your answer this time for better or worse.

I suggest you say something like 'Hey, you've been keeping a low profile. I think we should catch up. Why don't you give me a ring bla-de-bla'. Nice and light and with room for him to wriggle out if that's what the way he wants to go. At least then you can be sure you can draw a line under it. Alternatively, you might be giving him the opportunity he's been waiting for.

Rooting for ya

dixiefly

OPhere wrote: »

Thanks Merkin.
You see I did text back a few days later saying I had no credit, did you have a nice xmas etc etc and that's when I didn't get a response. So I just feel like an idiot contacting him again. I'm not very experienced with dating so I don't know what to do! I know people are saying go for it, I have nothing to lose but I don't know what to say? Has too much time past now? Its been a few weeks now
Thanks again

I find it difficult to understand in this day and age that an excuse of no credit would wash. Do you not have access to web text? Is there anyone else you know with a mobile. I know that my daughter regularly borrows my mobile to call her boyfriend or friends.

Regarding the one night stands my opinion is you we're drunk and the first one happened, in a way no big deal. However when it started to become a pattern then you should have got him to indicate whether he wanted a relationship. You probably have nothing to lose in asking him would he like to meet for a drink etc, at least if he remains aloof you know how to act whenever ye meet out and he sees ou again as a booty call.