Disrespect better than nothing?

LegacyUser

Is it better to have someone disrespect you rather than not have them at all?
Especially a college age child?

Neyite

Absolutely not. If nothing means peace and quiet and not being ridiculed or insulted.

If he/she is in College, then they are young adults. If they are young adults they can be self-supportive financially and move out to their own place, and organise their own transport. If they are incapable of speaking respectfully I'd tell them to move out.

LegacyUser

Thanks Neyite
They are financially dependant on me and I don't want to loose them. Also they don't believe that they are disrespectful at all, while I certainly do.
I feel that I have no choice but to keep them as they are and not loose them.

Has anyone else experienced similar?

Penny Dreadful

goinganon wrote: »

Thanks Neyite
They are financially dependant on me and I don't want to loose them. Also they don't believe that they are disrespectful at all, while I certainly do.
I feel that I have no choice but to keep them as they are and not loose them.

Has anyone else experienced similar?

If I was financially dependant on someone I would be nothing other than respectful and helpful and grateful for their financial support.
OP IMHO if these people are of adult age then they can find a way to support themselves or have a massive change of attitude. By letting them treat you like a doormat and get away with being disrespectful you are doing neither them or yourself any favours. Why would you want to keep someone who treats you so badly around

Neyite

goinganon wrote: »

Thanks Neyite
They are financially dependant on me and I don't want to loose them. Also they don't believe that they are disrespectful at all, while I certainly do.
I feel that I have no choice but to keep them as they are and not loose them.

Has anyone else experienced similar?

Can you give examples of what you feel is disrespectful, and they dont? It would be helpful for posters to give you a balanced view.

LegacyUser

Over the last year she has become obnoxious to me, treats me like dirt expects me to do everything for her in way of cooking, washing, dropping and collecting. Now that is all my own fault. Speaks down to me, is very sarcastic and basically doesn't like me.

But the worst is the verbal abuse I get from her and the tantrums she throws when things don't go her way. If the dinner isn't what she wanted she'll storm off telling me I'm a crap mother. There is no talking to her, I have tried but it always ends up with a major row. Doesn't help out at home-my own fault,

I am not saying I am perfect I am sure I have made a lot of mistakes and am certain she would say I have made her what she is.
She does brilliant in college which is a plus for her.

Drinks way too much, spends way too much on clothes and had two hols last year which she paid for. Now is going on another hol in a few weeks, thats grand as she is paying for it herself but she says she has no money while any money she has say €100 from wkend job is either drank or gone on clothes.
Wont buy college books either and expects us to pay, while she uses money for hols and had attituted when told we wouldn't be buying.

Perhaps I'm the one with the problem here? I feel heartbroken and not sure what way to go.

Taltos

OP - I know you won't do it - but I think you have to read her the riot act.

While you are supporting her (or even if you weren't) you are her parent and have done nothing (assumption here) to deserve such disrespect. Wait for a calm time and tell her that you are tired of getting upset and either she needs to change how she speaks with you or it is time she moved out on her own.

We all have had to do it - and for some people it is the making of them, learning how to balance bills with their social life.

I am not saying this to be cruel - but in the longterm you are not doing her any favours by allowing/enabling her to act like a spoilt child.

LegacyUser

Taltos

In theory I agree with you 100% and it is the advice that I would give someone, yet I cannot seem to take it on board.

I gave up a career to be with my kids, have 2 more. I have always given them time and we have enough money but not such that we can spoil them. Her reaction to that is that if I stayed at work then they could have epensive items like ipads etc that their friends do actually have. I don't regret giving up work to be with them, I would do same again.

If anything I did way too much for them, that said I'm sure she doesn't agree with a lot of things I say or do eg no food in bedroom or me getting frustrated when she forgets something yet again! meaning a trek with said item. I realise that a lot of people may have issues with mothers and I don't want to be her 'friend' but I feel that she treats me like a slave but she doesn't see that at all.


She thinks I'm delusional and I'm questioning myself.

In theory I know the answer but in reality I want someone to tell me its ok

Difference Engine

You are supporting her in every way, not just financially. The balance of power lies with you.

If you don't get the respect you deserve withdraw that support until respect is forthcoming. A short sharp shock like that does wonders for respect and gratitute.

You don't have to be make a big deal or allow a nasty argument to arise. Tell her if she wishes to act like that she can fend for herself. Leave it at that and walk away.

We don't appreciate what we have until its gone.

Don't put yourself down by saying you're not perfect and you've made mistakes. From the sound of it you are working very hard to provide everything for this girl. Just because you aren't appreciated doesn't mean you aren't doing a fine job.

username123

You poor thing OP, sounds horrible.

My mother used to engage in "withdrawal of services" to put us in our place. Its amazing how quickly respect is gained when you realise that you have nothing clean to wear, no dinner cooked for you, no financial handouts, no lifts to/from anywhere, dirty bedclothes and everytime you try to use anything you get told off.

Let her do what she wants with her own money (although I always had to hand up something while working part time and in college). Let her buy her own college books too. I can remember standing in Reads of Nassau Street photocopying an entire book with a pal because we couldnt afford to buy it - our parents werent paying!!

shinikins

Personally, I wouldn't wait for a calm time to tell her to pull up her socks. There is nothing that won't put a stop to a temper tantrum than a hard shock-and the hard shock your daughter needs is to be told that she either does whats expected of her, or she moves out. She's acting like a two year old, and I doubt speaking to her calmly and like an adult will work-I bet she'll explode and complain that it's unfair. Stop washing her clothes, stop making her dinners, stop paying her way! If she does move out, she'll appreciate you all the more. Sometimes, some distance improves relationships.

Penny Dreadful

goinganon wrote: »

Over the last year she has become obnoxious to me, treats me like dirt expects me to do everything for her in way of cooking, washing, dropping and collecting. Now that is all my own fault. Speaks down to me, is very sarcastic and basically doesn't like me.

But the worst is the verbal abuse I get from her and the tantrums she throws when things don't go her way. If the dinner isn't what she wanted she'll storm off telling me I'm a crap mother. There is no talking to her, I have tried but it always ends up with a major row. Doesn't help out at home-my own fault,

I am not saying I am perfect I am sure I have made a lot of mistakes and am certain she would say I have made her what she is.
She does brilliant in college which is a plus for her.

Drinks way too much, spends way too much on clothes and had two hols last year which she paid for. Now is going on another hol in a few weeks, thats grand as she is paying for it herself but she says she has no money while any money she has say €100 from wkend job is either drank or gone on clothes.
Wont buy college books either and expects us to pay, while she uses money for hols and had attituted when told we wouldn't be buying.

Perhaps I'm the one with the problem here? I feel heartbroken and not sure what way to go.

OP your daughter is an adult and is treating you in the most disrespectful obnoxious way and it is totally unacceptable.
As she is an adult she can make her own dinner, buy her own books, generally take care of herself. She does not need you to do that for her.

I graduated from college in 2000 and during the 4 years I was there I paid my own rent, bought my own clothes, cooked for myself, etc etc and managed this by working every single weekend and held down 2 to 3 jobs at the same time during the holiday periods.
My parents helped out by giving me some food staples and I supplied the rest as I wanted them and they also helped out with the buying of books. However any stationary, etc I bought myself.
If I had needed any futher help from them I knew all I had to do was ask but I thought that I was of an age where I needed to stand on my own two feet and make a good start of minding myself. There were no holidays and any nights out were paid for out of my own earnings.
I was very thankful for any help and support my parents gave to me and if I had ever for a single second thought of behaving like a two year old (as your daughter is currently behaving) I'd have been given such a reality check I'd still be in recovery.

OP you need to calmly tell your daughter that while she is living in your house she must respect you and your home. Dinner is at time X, if that doesn't suit her then well and good she knows where the kitchen is and she can cook for herself and tidy up afterwards too.
With regard to buying of books, etc it is up to you whether you wish to continue with this or not but if you do then ask for a list of books that are required and the cost of each one and then write a cheque to the book shop for that amount only. Although if your daughter can afford to go on so many holidays then she can afford to pay for her own books (again IMHO).
You can put up with your daughter treating you like this and know it will never change, if you permit this behaviour you are accepting it. Alternatively you can tell her that it is unacceptable and that she can either change her attitude or go. This should give her some clarity and hopefully make her see how lucky she is to have someone who is giving so much to her and make her appreciate it.
Good luck.

Roselm

goinganon wrote: »

Is it better to have someone disrespect you rather than not have them at all?
Especially a college age child?

Has something changed in the last year? I agree its totally out of line and like the withdrawal of services idea but is everything ok with her. Socially etc? I dont see why shes so mad if everythings going fine for her. She might be taking out another frustration on you?

seamus

The problem here is that you've created a culture of entitlement at home. She feels that she can give you abuse about your cooking because she's entitled to have a dinner made for her.

Gives you attitude when you refuse to pay for college books because you've made it your responsibility and therefore she feels that it's not hers.

Sit her down, make it clear that cooking, cleaning, etc are not your responsibility and you withdraw these services. That simple. "I've no money, can you give me a fifty?". Nope. "I really need these leggings for tomorrow". Tough **** darling. "I need a lift into town". Sorry, no can do, I have a busy night of watching TV planned.

When she then starts doing these things for herself she will come to appreciate what it is that you do for her, and then you can start doing her favours again. But don't let yourself get sucked into the "minding her" routine. Dinners I'm easy on, if you're making it for yourself, you can include her. But washing, cleaning, lifts, groceries, etc, no way. These should be 100% her domain from now on. No compromises. When she starts to respect you then you can do her little favours like the odd lift now and again. But it should all be on your terms, not hers.

You're not going to lose her by tackling the issue. Is there some reason why you fear losing her? She's completely and utterly dependent on you for everything. The only one who should be worried about losing anything is her.

One thing though that stuck out for me a bit:

Drinks way too much, spends way too much on clothes and had two hols last year which she paid for.

Do you have arguments with her about this? It can be tough for an adult child living at home when your parents still see fit to try and tell you what you should be doing. There's a seismic shift in a person's life when they finish their schooling where suddenly your things become your problem. Mail about college is addressed to you, not your parents. Banks are throwing accounts and credit cards at you. Suddenly you are in control of your own life.
But when there's a dichotomy where you are in control over your life outside the home, but still being treated like a child at home, this can be quite stressful. That this has only started to occur in recent times would seem to back up my this theory.

To flip it the other way - if you make dinner for her every day, she may feel obliged to come home and eat it, rather being "allowed" to go for dinner with friends. If you're actively offering her lifts everywhere, she might feel like you're trying to keep tabs on where she's going, etc. While she'll accept these things from you, she may feel suffocated by them, and so lashes out at you.

Either way, the solution is the same - stop treating her like a ten year old, and start treating her like an adult lodger living in your home. You're not running a hotel, so stop treating your home like one

Neyite

I agree with the withdrawl of services. I had to do my own laundry from age 14, and if something wasnt washed and ironed when I needed it, it was my own fault. And it was the old twin-tubs and no dryer too! During college, the Grant worked out at 40 pounds a week which was topped up with another 10 per week from the folks. My rent was 25 pounds per week, so unless I supplemented it myself, I just about ate. There were certainly no luxuries.

Tell her that you are going to treat her like an adult - which she is now. If she tells you she will be home for meals, include her. If its not to her taste, she can purchase and cook what she likes. She cleans up after herself under your roof, as you and your partner do, and she does chores to help out. If she is unwilling, tell her she can leave. I guarantee that a couple of months having to pay security deposit, rent, esb, heating, food, phone credit, for a damp crummy bedsit will soon soften her cough.

My mother did this with my sister who wanted to be kept and not hand up any of her earnings. Sis was not long in seeing that her nights out and shopping sprees were sharply curtailed when there were bills to pay, and was home again, with a renewed appreciation for the creature comforts provided for her inside 3 months.

Lorna123

I agree with all of the above advice OP and have been there but have not done that. I have a daughter who was disrespectful from 14 to almost the current date and she is now 28. I sort of wanted to do things for my children just because I liked catering to them but I wasn't always appreciated. My daughter has now left home and has her own house and we get on well. She can still tell me to F...off if I don't say what she likes to hear, but I feel that she now appreciates me even though she can be quite critical. I don't take offence, just shrug it off and I know that I have her as I reared her, but she definitely has calmed down a lot since she got older. I think teenagers go through a phase of being rebellious where nothing you say or do is acceptable to them. They throw their weight around just for the sake of it, but they come out of that as they get older. I have a son who would not be as bad but it is impossible to get a word out of him by times because he thinks that I know nothing !!!. He has improved though and I think that things will improve with your daughter too. It can be hard while you are waiting for the changes and if you try the advice given above you might get quicker results. I never had the heart to cut down on privilages for long though just because I was too soft, but I do think it might work. I feel though that things have evened out now for me and time will get rid of a lot of the disrespect in your case too.

judgefudge

I am a girl of around your daughters age I assume (early 20s) and I think what you are describing is awful. Now don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of problems with my mother. College going age is when most people start to get itchy feet and want to move out and sometimes your family just start to drive you fupping crazy!

This sounds different though. She's sounds like an entitled brat. I have never been expected to do much housework at home, that's just the way my mam brought us up, but I would never dream of saying she was a bad mother because she doesn't make the exact dinner I want. Where does she get off?! Let her make her own dinner.

As for the lifts, she should either be driving herself around at this stage, or walk, or at the very bloody least be nice about asking for a lift.

She sounds like a spoilt brat when it comes to drinking, holidays and iPads etc. don't let her moods manipulate you into doing everything for her. It is highly unlikely that you will lose her because you don't pander to her every need.

You said it's a recent thing? And if so I would wonder if is a by product of some other problems she has in her life.

You sound like a good mother.

kat.mac

Absolutely not. My mom put up with a lot - but she rarely got disrespect, and if she did, I heard all about. Your daughter is simply spoilt. She has no concept of the value of all that you are doing for her or the money you are spending on her. This withdrawal of services idea is an excellent one as far as I'm concerned.

A couple of points in particular - I left home a long time ago but when I'm home, I usually eat whatever dinner is cooked and appreciate it. If I don't happen to like what's being cooked, I sort myself out and let the rest of my family enjoy their dinner. Your daughter is well capable of making her own dinner if she's not into what you've made, and you should let her know that!

It's despicable that she swanned off on two holidays while contributing nothing to her keep or education. Just unacceptable! I wouldn't deny anyone a holiday, but they are a treat/luxury and she should only spend money on them after the necessities are taken care of. Tell her that if she can afford a holiday, she can afford her own books and can afford to contribute to the household groceries.

Finally, you seem to work really hard to be the best parent you can be - but letting your daughter get away with her current behaviour at this stage in her life will actually be to her detriment later in life. She will have no basic survival/independent living skills - no idea how to prioritise bills/rent, no idea how to balance work/social life, and her sense of entitlement will get her absolutely nowhere in the real world when she leaves the college cocoon.

Putting your foot down now and giving her a metaphorical kick up the a**e might seem tough now but will leave her with valuable life skills. Best of luck.

Stavro Mueller

I have to say I'm shocked by what you've written about your daughter. That she would rather you'd stayed in work so she could have expensive things like iPads.

I don't know why you fear losing her because you've effectively lost her already. She sounds like an utterly selfish madam whose life revolves around one person - her. She's behaving like this because she knows she can get away with it.

You owe it to yourself and to your daughter to grow a backbone. By continuing to indulge her, you're enabling her current cosseted lifestyle and attitude. It's not going to do her any good at all in life. It's not going to do you any good either. Nor your other two kids. What sort of signal do you think it's sending out to them?

username123

cymbaline wrote: »

You owe it to yourself and to your daughter to grow a backbone. By continuing to indulge her, you're enabling her current cosseted lifestyle and attitude. It's not going to do her any good at all in life. It's not going to do you any good either. Nor your other two kids. What sort of signal do you think it's sending out to them?

+1

Apply the friendship rule. You wouldnt accept that behaviour from a friend, so why accept it from a family member? She is behaving like a brat, and there are no bad consequences to her behaviour so why would she change it? You can only change her behaviour by changing your own. Start treating her as she deserves to be treated, bad behaviour has bad consequences such as withdrawal of services. She just sees you as a pushover.

LegacyUser

I appreciate all the replies, thank you.

Yes she is a spoilt brat and I have made her this way.
I fear loosing her because for years I hated my own mother-not anymore as we sorted everything, but I don't want it happening here.

Just so sad today.

kat.mac

goinganon wrote: »

Yes she is a spoilt brat and I have made her this way.
I fear loosing her because for years I hated my own mother-not anymore as we sorted everything, but I don't want it happening here.

Just so sad today.

I totally understand all of this. But you will drive yourself insane if you allow things to continue the way they are. Plus, if you don't do something drastic, I reckon there's a big chance the relationship might be irreparably damaged if this continues. A big change is needed, and it seems like it can and will only come from you.

Stavro Mueller

What happened between your mother and yourself doesn't have to happen here. Don't let the fear of losing your daughter stop you from taking action.

You don't have to come in all guns blazing and start rows about these things. If she wants money for her college books, point out that she has a weekend job and she can pay for them from her own money. Washing/ironing? Point her in the direction of the washing machine or the cupboard where you keep the iron. She doesn't like dinner? Tell her to go buy her own food and cook it herself. Throw the onus back onto her.

Meauldsegosha

goinganon wrote: »

I appreciate all the replies, thank you.

Yes she is a spoilt brat and I have made her this way.
I fear loosing her because for years I hated my own mother-not anymore as we sorted everything, but I don't want it happening here.

Just so sad today.

You're not doing her any favours. She has no concept of money management, does she know how to cook a meal, turn on the washing machine? How will she survive when she eventually moves out of home?

deisemum

She will not respect you until you start respecting yourself. People including family will only continue to treat you in the way you allow them to be it good or bad.

You've been given a lot of good advice on how to address this, you've the power to do it, lay down ground rules and follow through. She has a lot more to lose than you.

skyfall2012

Hi OP, I think you have got excellent advise here and it is in your interests and your daughters to follow it. Just make sure nothing else is bothering her, a lot of people on PI talk about lashing out when something bad happened to them.

I am a mother of 2 small girls whom I gave up a career to be home with, and I dread the teenage years, because I tend to spoil them, because you got it I was not spoiled when I was small, my mother has dogs she treats better than me and my siblings, so there is the rub.

I still talk to my Mom despite a lot of things, because IMO it is very hard to turn your back on your mother I still love her and take her as she comes, so your daughter will no way cut ties with you, you have been way too good, but this might have something to do with you not treating her like an adult, because of your fear of loosing her, so if you want a good relationship with your daughter treat her like an adult and let her take responsibility for her own life.

woodchuck

Personally I agree with most posters that she just needs a swift kick up the 'you-know-where' and the withdrawal of services is probably the best course of action.

BUT

If you can't bring yourself to do that I have another suggestion... actually show her how to do all these things around the house. Like with you and your daughter, my mam always did the cooking and cleaning etc for me and my siblings (although I never gave her the kind of lip your daughter is giving you!). While it's always nice to have someone do things for you, I actually wanted to learn how to do these things myself. But my mother wasn't the best teacher She'd complain about doing all the ironing etc, but she'd never actually show me how to do any of these things. I remember once I really wanted her to show me how to make a sauce she does really well and asked her to call me when she was getting started. Well she only called me when she was already half way through and when she gave me a go at doing the rest of it myself she just ended up taking over again so I learned sweet f-all. And while I did help out around the house when she asked, god forbid I should take it upon myself to do anything spontaneously. Eg if I decided to hoover the place she'd get offended saying she'd only hoovered the other day and ask if she hadn't done a good enough job :rolleyes:

All of that made it very difficult for me to actually learn these life skills and I actually ended up learning most of what I know now from my boyfriend. I'm not saying you're the same as my mam, but I have a suggestion that might help. Instead of having dinner served up for her on a plate when she walks in the door, how about you have all the ingredients in for her favourite dinner and then show her how to make it when she arrives home? This type of thing might avoid a temper tantrum associated with the 'withdrawal of services' method, but also teach her some valuable life lessons.

Someone else mentioned about the fact that this is a relatively new behaviour... that would also worry me a bit. Is there anything in her life that might have set off this change in behaviour? Was it when she started college? It could just be something relatively simple like hanging out with spoiled 'celtic tiger babies' (the ipad talk, multiple holidays a year etc), but it might be worth trying to get her to open up incase there is something more serious going on.

trio

What I don't really understand, OP, is what you mean by being afraid to lose her?

She is utterly dependant on you. She can't even wash her own knickers. What do you think is gonna happen if you start demanding respect?

Are you afraid she'll move out? Don't make me laugh...that one will never move out. She'll still be living at home, roaring like a teenager and getting you to wash her knickers for her at 28!

She has no spare cash as she loves partying too much - how could she possibly afford it??

So the worst that can happen is that she slams doors and screams "I HATE YOU I WISH I WAS DEAD!!!"......which I frankly doubt would be a massive shift from her current behaviour.

If I were you, I'd tackle it like this - walk out of the room. Say nothing, let her scream at your departing back all she wants - just walk out of the room. Even if the saucepan is on the cooker and it'll boil out and dinner will be ruined. Big deal. You will NEVER win a screaming match or any kind of argument with a spoilt brat. They are experts at selective hearing and twisting words. So just walk out of the room next time. You can't control her vileness too easy - but you can certainly control whether you stand there spluttering, wringing your hands and close to tears, while she gets more and more vicious.

Lorna123

Found the following in a magazine today and thought it might be helpful:

Has your daughter turned into a quiet, withdrawn, sulky, or door-slamming, opinionated, disco-adoring mini-adult overnight - and all at the expense of your worry, concern, nagging and tears?
Your daughter is going through massive emotional, physical and social upheaval -there's bound to be turbulence. Expect a certain amount of moodiness and resistance to your ideas, and expect a certain amount of adoration for what comes out of the peer group your child associates with.
Pick your battles wisely. If you end up fighting with your daughter all the time or disagreeing over many things, you may need to be more discerning and literally pick your battles wisely - and stop nit-picking. Sometimes, it's hard to bite your tongue especially when you feel you know best, but teens can be extremely sensitive to criticism at this time in their lives and you may not realise what pressure they are under. You know your child well and may have an inkling to their possible reaction, but sometimes holding back instead of getting something off your chest is the wisest choice to keep the air calm. Avoiding confrontation while still getting your message across could be your trump card as it keeps the lines of communication open. Biting your tongue is a simple strategy, but it works !

@rti-shm@rti

goinganon wrote: »

I appreciate all the replies, thank you.

Yes she is a spoilt brat and I have made her this way.
I fear loosing her because for years I hated my own mother-not anymore as we sorted everything, but I don't want it happening here.

Just so sad today.

Hi OP,

Firstly I'm so so sorry you're going through this. Your post actually made me so so sad because it brought me back to a bad time in my life. Basically I was your daughter for a number of years. I was a horrible, horrible teenager from the age of 16 up until I was in my early 20s. I would treat them like crap, be so disrespectful, not come home on nights out, have them sick with worry. I can only imagine what I put them through and they were going through their own problems for various reasons at the time - needless to say I'm sure my disgusting behaviour did not help.

They tried everything with me, taking my phone off me, money, grounding me, confiscating cigarettes, banning me from hanging around with certain people, none of it got through to me. Thing is though this was all symptomatic of much bigger problems. I was bullied and suffered a bit with depression and panic attacks while I was younger and my way of coping was to take it out on my family and rebel against everything normal.

I can't tell you how to deal with your daughter, my parents persevered with me and eventually I turned it around and I'm back to being the person I really am again. They knew something had happened because the behaviour all of a sudden kicked off and I suppose they just kept trying to talk to me and find out what was wrong. Perhaps try asking your daughter if everything is ok? Especially because it seems to be a recent development. Maybe all is not well with college or her friends?

Please don't be sad as I'm thinking of my own mother as I write. Any situation can only get better it's just a case of finding the right route to go down. If it helps me and my mother are extremely close now she would probably be one of my best friends.

Best of luck. I really hope that it all works out for you, x

Luca Brasi

Difference Engine wrote: »

You are supporting her in every way, not just financially. The balance of power lies with you.

If you don't get the respect you deserve withdraw that support until respect is forthcoming. A short sharp shock like that does wonders for respect and gratitute.

You don't have to be make a big deal or allow a nasty argument to arise. Tell her if she wishes to act like that she can fend for herself. Leave it at that and walk away.

We don't appreciate what we have until its gone.

Don't put yourself down by saying you're not perfect and you've made mistakes. From the sound of it you are working very hard to provide everything for this girl. Just because you aren't appreciated doesn't mean you aren't doing a fine job.

You may tolerate this behaviour in the first year at college just to make sure she settles in but at some point you must cry halt. Explain to her that her behavious has been obnoxious and that unless she changes her attitudes you will be asking her to leave.
Alternatively get used to a life of abuse.

fillefatale

Good luck with this OP, I am of a similar age to your daughter. I graduated and am currently living at home, with difficulty, myself and my mother fight frequently, she doesn't really respect me. However I feel because I'm not paying rent and am unemployed that I should do my share around the house - cooking, cleaning, ironing. My mouth was hanging out as I read how she was treating you - wasting her money on drink and clothes instead of books - I can understand if she was hard up, but she has a job - surely she can supplement herself!

If you don't stand up to her she will grow resentful to you for it, for allowing her to fall into a pattern of drinking and wasting her money on material things, instead of focusing on her college work. Maybe she's having some difficulty at college at the moment and that's whats setting her on edge?

I'm sorry OP, I wish my mother had the capacity to ask for help and talk about these things (typical repressed Catholic). Your daughter doesn't know how lucky she is. You won't lose her, she'll be angry for a while, once you've found your voice and said NO, but later on she'll understand and thank you for it, for making that necessary change in her life.

LegacyUser

I have read all the replies, Thank you all.

She is away at college and home every 2nd weekend. I've come to dread her coming home.

Yes I have felt for ages that something might be wrong, but she insists that there isn't, I can't keep at her. I just hope that she knows that she can always come to me in the end no matter what.

Talking to her calmly is no good as she doesn't think there is a problem, she thinks I;m just whinging.

I suppose I am afraid of loosing her on account of my own relationship with my mother not being good for years- but we sorted it and have a good relationship now, I always wanted a better relationship with my own children. I just can't believe how 'not nice' she has become.
Feeling a little better today.

Sleepy

Are you paying her rent? Funding her living expenses? Doing her laundry for her on the one weekend she's home?

Get it out of your head that she paid for those holidays herself: you did.

You're spoiling her rotten. Stop it now. The last thing this country needs is another self-entitled bitch.

Roisy7

goinganon wrote: »

I have read all the replies, Thank you all.

She is away at college and home every 2nd weekend. I've come to dread her coming home.

Yes I have felt for ages that something might be wrong, but she insists that there isn't, I can't keep at her. I just hope that she knows that she can always come to me in the end no matter what.

Talking to her calmly is no good as she doesn't think there is a problem, she thinks I;m just whinging.

I suppose I am afraid of loosing her on account of my own relationship with my mother not being good for years- but we sorted it and have a good relationship now, I always wanted a better relationship with my own children. I just can't believe how 'not nice' she has become.
Feeling a little better today.

If she's home every second weekend can you not be out when's she's home? I'm back living at home after college and I wouldn't dare treat my mum like that, but as she works fairly irregular hours u often have to cook for myself or cook for her. So be unavailable and tell her to cook for herself, sort her own clothes etc.

You are doing her no favours as has been stated countless times on this thread. She has to fend for herself one day.

I also think before she comes home for the weekend you should call her and say you don't want her home unless she's going to be polite to you. Could see my mother doing that but then I wouldn't dream of treating her like that, no matter how much she might annoy me at times.

Stavro Mueller

OP, do you have a husband/partner who can back you up?

username123

Roisy7 wrote: »

I also think before she comes home for the weekend you should call her and say you don't want her home unless she's going to be polite to you. Could see my mother doing that but then I wouldn't dream of treating her like that, no matter how much she might annoy me at times.

Yeah I agree with this. Tell her that she is not welcome home unless she has an attitude improvement and that you need a bit of space from her bad behaviour. Id do it a couple of weekends in a row, then see what she is like.