Why Hugh Hefner is what women really, really want

Eve_Dublin

I was going to post this article in TGC but I don't want to be seen as a troll and it's probably not fair. I don't want to wind anyone up and I'm also a bit tipsy and might start ranting at people then regretting it later. 2013...new Eve_Dublin. I have to say though, it made me laugh and I liked it only because so much of it is familiar on this message board. This, of course, is not the vast majority of men, just a certain type of man that frequents internet websites of this type. I'd be interested to hear your opinions. It made me laugh, not angry but perhaps that might not be the case for everyone.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/02/hugh-hefner-what-women-want

Yesterday, as my other half and I took a New Year's Day walk down Dartmouth Park Road in north London and admired the enormous million-pound Victorian townhouses, standing as white and perpendicular as Tom Cruise's teeth, he dropped a bombshell. "I hope you know," he said, with the slow enunciation of a tipsy nursery school teacher, "that I will never, ever be rich."

Of course, being as he is a lowly public sector worker, he's completely right. He will never be rich. Obviously, as a result, I dispensed with him immediately.

You see, the news that Hugh Hefner has finally taken runaway Playboy bunny Crystal Harris up the aisle (or perhaps more appropriately, down a rabbit hole that leads to a sexy, lava-filled underworld of geriatric humping) has got the romance cogs in my little female head a-turning. Being as I am a woman and therefore, like every other woman, a prostitute-in-waiting, there's something rather romantically appealing about Heff and his Disneyfied mansion of sexy time. Perhaps it's because, in the words of Camilla Long, he represents "the Norma Desmond of sex, limp as a battery hen in silk pyjamas and velvet slippers, unable to rise". The latter part of that quote rings particularly true in light of Harris's comments following Hefner's abortive attempt to put a ring on her in 2011. Saying that sex with him lasted "like two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like 'Ahhh'. I was over it," she went on to reveal that she had never seen him naked. Sounds like a dream marriage of convenience, to be honest, encapsulating as it does all the things that women want in a man. Just to be sure, I have conducted my own internet-based research and found out what women really want. Namely:

1) Money

As Kanye West, a greater poet than myself, once said, a prenup is essential because "It's something that you need to have / 'Cause when she leave yo' ass she gon' leave with half". Yep. You don't need to browse the internet messageboards of men's rights activists to see that all women are essentially gold-digging whores who, despite being "sluts", turn unexpectedly frigid in the presence of aforementioned men's rights activists, mainly because these gents are so crippled by child support payments that they can't afford to stump up for our plastic surgery requirements. Amiright ladies? Never mind looks, intelligence, kindness, sense of humour, etc. If you've got a penis and a pension, Mama wants to hear about it.

2) Power

The Ladder Theory, a hugely popular and very science-based website, demonstrates that women are completely intoxicated by status – to the point where we become cross-eyed gyrating morons charmed to the point of hypnosis by the wiggling of a power snake. Just look at old Silvio Berlusconi, engaged to a 27-year-old with all the optimism of a star-crossed teenage romance junkie, willing to take another stab at love regardless of the recently announced £80,000-a-day divorce deal that follows the break-up of his second marriage. What does she see in him, you ask? Apart from his obvious position as the world's No 1 Latin lover, the fact that Berlusconi is likely to reclaim his crown as Big Boss of Italy amounts to a greater aphrodisiac than a whole barrel of oysters.

3) Bad behaviour

Whether it's bunga bunga fun or the orgies of the Playboy mansion, women just love a bad boy. You don't need to delve too deeply into the swollen, gout-ridden underbelly of Reddit before hearing the classic misogynist's lament: "Why don't women ever go for nice guys like me?" Sites such as "Nice guys" of OKCupid are testament to the fact that these good, honest post-feminist new men are left to fester on the onanistic scrapheap by heartless jezebels while the cynical, overbearing Christian Greys of this world are ball deep in Greek goddesses.

4) The inability to perform sexually without medical assistance

Crystal Harris has played a blinder as far as the transaction with Heff is concerned. She barely even needs to follow through, the wily minx, giving a whole new resonance to the phrase "happy ending". She graduates maxima cum laude from the International School of Gold Digging, an accolade to which those of us languishing in hotel bars wearing bandage dresses, or occupying the recesses of websites such as SugarDaddy.com in the hope of catching the eye of a sickly impotent billionaire, can only aspire.

Of course, there is the slim chance that Harris is pulling a Gloria Steinem and going fully undercover – but it's unlikely, considering that the scope of her ambitions echo those of billions of women the world over.

The moral of the story is that, until women are in positions of wealth and power (we currently control 1% of the former, according to the World Bank), we're going to have to continue filching it off you guys, so stop whining. Such techniques are as old as Chaucer and, let's face it, even if we do get to a place where we hold either political power or loads of money, women will still end up in a position where our physical appearance is constantly commented upon. No wonder we all prefer a bit of ready money to the apocryphal "good sense of humour". The jokes just aren't that funny any more.

metaoblivia

It made me laugh too!

amdublin

Made me laugh too! But also cry a little.

Ah_Yeah

I like this article. It's clearly in jest, and really pokes fun at how society sees "what women want". Made me laugh a lot!

KamiKazeKitten

I like it! It's hilarious. After putting baaaad mental images of Hugh Hefner in my head though!




...god, Hugh Hefner. *shudders*

mackg

Article is pretty funny, the money paragraph made me laugh out loud.

Sites such as "Nice guys" of OKCupid are testament to the fact that these good, honest post-feminist new men are left to fester on the onanistic scrapheap by heartless jezebels while the cynical, overbearing Christian Greys of this world are ball deep in Greek goddesses.

That's pretty funny too, just looked at it there. The link to the fedora pictures is well worth a look too.

KamiKazeKitten

mackg wrote: »

That's pretty funny too, just looked at it there. The link to the fedora pictures is well worth a look too.

I really really don't like that site and hate the fedora one even more, had a look at it before and the little snide comments from the blogger annoy the hell out of me.
The guys don't come across well at all either but I hate the shaming of them on a blog like this.
Don't mind them slagging the comments but slagging the photos is too far imo.

mackg

KamiKazeKitten wrote: »

I really really don't like that site and hate the fedora one even more, had a look at it before and the little snide comments from the blogger annoy the hell out of me.
The guys don't come across well at all either but I hate the shaming of them on a blog like this.
Don't mind them slagging the comments but slagging the photos is too far imo.

I get where you're coming from and you're probably right...but...nope, no real counter to that it's almost definitely wrong...but...no nothing coming. In this case you're more than likely right and I'm just a bad person for laughing at it.

*opens tab with funny pictures again*

RDM_83 again

KamiKazeKitten wrote: »

I really really don't like that site and hate the fedora one even more, had a look at it before and the little snide comments from the blogger annoy the hell out of me.
The guys don't come across well at all either but I hate the shaming of them on a blog like this.
Don't mind them slagging the comments but slagging the photos is too far imo.

Yeah I was literally going to post the same thing here, it may be mildly funny occasionally (just checking it out) but some of it seems to be just based on disliking hairy legs :rolleyes:, its sort of ironic considering the uproar about cyberbullying going on, I'd have no problem with the site if they at least made a token effort to mask who the users are (I am being mildly hypocritical because i do/did like some of those anti-hipster sites but at least they were generally only making fun some ones "fashion" sense and more importantly were funny!).

mackg

RDM_83 again wrote: »

Yeah I was literally going to post the same thing here, it may be mildly funny occasionally (just checking it out) but some of it seems to be just based on disliking hairy legs :rolleyes:, its sort of ironic considering the uproar about cyberbullying going on, I'd have no problem with the site if they at least made a token effort to mask who the users are (I am being mildly hypocritical because i do/did like some of those anti-hipster sites but at least they were generally only making fun some ones "fashion" sense and more importantly were funny!).

Tbf a lot of the pics aren't that funny but some are genuinely good. Maybe 1/15 or so. The good ones are comedy gold though. They would work without the photos.

Example Profile: I'm a scholar, scientist, storyteller, engineer and above all a true gentleman.

Then he answered that there are certain situations where someone is obligated to have sex with him.

KamiKazeKitten

mackg wrote: »

Tbf a lot of the pics aren't that funny but some are genuinely good. Maybe 1/15 or so. The good ones are comedy gold though. They would work without the photos.

Example Profile: I'm a scholar, scientist, storyteller, engineer and above all a true gentleman.

Then he answered that there are certain situations where someone is obligated to have sex with him.

Ah I'm not trying to start a row about it or anything, just your post reminded me of it.

I agree some of the guys sound awful, but just...reading through some of the bloggers comments they come across as petty and snide, and I really don't like them posting up the pics, step too far imo.

I guess the whole kerfuffle on boards today about cyberbullying has it more in my head! Wandering off topic

mackg

KamiKazeKitten wrote: »

Ah I'm not trying to start a row about it or anything, just your post reminded me of it.

I agree some of the guys sound awful, but just...reading through some of the bloggers comments they come across as petty and snide, and I really don't like them posting up the pics, step too far imo.

I guess the whole kerfuffle on boards today about cyberbullying has it more in my head! Wandering off topic

Perish the thought. I like to think I can disagree without it developing into a row (some exceptions to that tbh) so don't worry about it.

Roadtrippin

Only came across this thread today and have to say that article is hilarious! The author did a great job in satirically describing a clichee, i.e. what men think women want.
I was laughing out loud at some of the ways she described us.

On a more serious note, I often think that some men (it tends to be the not-so-successful-with-the-ladies and bitter divorcee types) have a very simplistic idea of what women are like and what they want.
I've heard the occasional guy after a few drinks say 'at the end of the day women all want a guy with money and/or power' blabla...
The minute a guy says that I straight away feel mildly irritated. It's like me saying to a guy 'at the end of the day all guys want is a housewife that does what they want, isn't too smart (because nobody likes a 'backchatter' and is a slut in bed'
That's about as much of an untrue blanket statement as the former...

GalwayGuy2

I found it as funny as I found it mildly irritating:P