Charisma and Chemistry

Isolt

I'm interested to hear some varied opinions/experiences on this subject. Obviously, there are physical traits in the opposite sex that are stereotypically attractive, e.g good looking men are tall, strong, successful etc (or so junk magazines like Cosmo would have you think) and as women we (again, stereotypically) drool over men like George Clooney or the Braxtons. All well built, fit looking men. In reality though, attraction comes down to much more than height or stature as I'm sure you agree.

From my experience at least, these physical traits have very little value without there being a spark between you and most of us are or have been attracted to a man that doesn't fit the Cosmo/Hollywood type.
I know a man who is 5'7, he has a front tooth missing and is the funniest person you'll ever meet. He's always up to something or cracking jokes. Women seem to adore him and he doesn't fit the stereotype at all. He is so much fun to be around! I met a guy recently who is 5'8, has a receding hairline and a crooked smile and yet he is still attractive (to me anyway).

Is this chemistry that causes the attraction?

I ask because a friend of mine recently made a stupid comment regarding the second guy I described. She used the words ''short, balding and probably desperate'' and therefore I shouldn't be attracted to him. I think she's being nasty and shallow but I see where it's coming from at the same time, given the guys we see on TV or in magazines. (even the drool thread here has lots of the tall, dark, handsome types in it) When I told her that he is very kind, he'll offer me his coat when it's cold and he'll text/call when he says he will and he's got a warm personality, her response was ''yeah well so do lots of good looking men''. I'm so frustrated over it. So what do you think it is that makes us attracted to the men who are not tall, dark or handsome in the typical sense? I can't get her to understand and it seems so basic.

Give me something good, I can't seem to explain this to her at all!! :mad: She doesn't get that sometimes a good sense of humour or a really kind personality can make somebody instantly attractive even if initially they didn't catch your eye. I hope this makes sense, I'm just a bit angry and even a bit offended by what she said.

Thanks

Tigger99

I've been attracted to many men who wouldn't be conventionally attractive. Charisma definitely helps.

But why does it matter what she thinks or try to make her understand? She doesn't sound like a nice person at all.

meepmeepmeep

Isolt wrote: »

She used the words ''short, balding and probably desperate'' and therefore I shouldn't be attracted to him. I think she's being nasty and shallow but I see where it's coming from at the same time, given the guys we see on TV or in magazines. (even the drool thread here has lots of the tall, dark, handsome types in it) When I told her that he is very kind, he'll offer me his coat when it's cold and he'll text/call when he says he will and he's got a warm personality, her response was ''yeah well so do lots of good looking men''. I'm so frustrated over it. So what do you think it is that makes us attracted to the men who are not tall, dark or handsome in the typical sense? I can't get her to understand and it seems so basic.

First off she is being pretty nasty in her description of him but she also in a way has a point - there are "conventionally" attractive men who are just as warm and funny.

Yes her attitude to men she personally considers unattractive is pretty horrific and says a lot about her as a person, but I'm not sure it's entirely fair to call her "shallow" in the true sense of the word. The big thing here of course is attractiveness. More precisely the ambiguity of what is 'attractive'. There are some women who find that 'stereotypical' tall dark, strong man thing as hugely attractive and I don't think it's fair to write that off as being a fantasy created by hollywood or whatever, those types of men do exist and some women do find such men attractive, that doesn't make them shallow in my opinion, if that's what does it for them then that's what does it for them. Attractiveness is subjective. In saying that I've never found that kind of 'stereotypical' hollywood leading man type man attractive but I also wouldn't find the first guy you described as attractive either, I have a huge thing about teeth, couldn't find a man who went around minus a front tooth attractive (the thoughts of kissing him would make me queasy), does that make me shallow? I don't think so, it's just a personal preference.

Give me something good, I can't seem to explain this to her at all!! :mad: She doesn't get that sometimes a good sense of humour or a really kind personality can make somebody instantly attractive even if initially they didn't catch your eye. I hope this makes sense, I'm just a bit angry and even a bit offended by what she said.

I'm not sure I entirely agree with you, see I've never believed this personality negates attractiveness stuff at all. You have to find someone physically attractive, yeah of course someone you are attracted to will become even more attractive to you the more you get to know them and their personality. But imho unless you found them attractive in the first place (regardless of what physical traits you personally consider attractive) you're kinda settling and such relationships tend to not end very well (again purely my own opinion/experience). Personally I have never fallen for someone I didn't initially find attractive because of their personality.

these physical traits have very little value without there being a spark between you

Again I don't entirely agree - I personally think you need both, to find someone you find physically attractive AND feel a spark with, in order for a relationship to form/last. I personally don't believe you can have a proper lasting relationship without both being present. I mean I've met loads of guys who I've found crazily attractive (well my opinion of attractive) and felt no spark, likewise I've met loads of lovely guys who I flirted my ass off with and had a laugh with but in terms of attraction, I never had any desire to see them naked. Finding both is the goldmine. A lot of people don't. When you do find both however that in my opinion is "Chemistry". I know I'll come across as a jealous bitter cow for the following but *here goes*

(And this is no dig at you OP) but I honestly think a lot of women use the old "oh but he has a great personality, he treats me right etc etc" chestnut as a reason to stay with a guy who if they were really honest with themselves they aren't really physically attracted to. Not that there's anything wrong with that if that's enough/acceptable for them personally, we all know how hard the dating scene is these days is and sometimes for some people accepting 75% is better than the alternative of waiting for a 100% that may never materialise. (that doesn't make those who choose to wait for the extra 15% or 25% as shallow though, or a term I personally hate, being labelled "too picky", again what someone is willing to accept is their own personal call)

Personally (while I'm not as nasty or critical of other peoples definitions of attractiveness as your friend thankfully) I really don't believe that "a good sense of humour or a really kind personality can make somebody instantly attractive even if initially they didn't catch your eye".

pwurple

I personally have a big hangup about teeth. I completely judge people on their dental hygiene. Someone missing a front tooth would not be attractive to me, not particularly because of the aesthetics, but because of what I associate with it ... Poor hygiene, bad diet, laziness or fear of the dentist? All turn offs for me. But Baldness, weight, height, none of those ever mattered that much to me if there was a spark.

We are all different.

username123

pwurple wrote: »

Someone missing a front tooth would not be attractive to me, not particularly because of the aesthetics, but because of what I associate with it ... Poor hygiene, bad diet, laziness or fear of the dentist?

I used to agree with this but then a friend had a front tooth knocked out in sport and simply had not got the money for an implant (the dental work was going to run to thousands). He was devastated. It makes me think twice now regarding peoples teeth, as in, not to judge immediately because dental work can cost so much that sometimes cost is simply prohibitive. I myself am guilty of delaying dental work over cost.

On the subject of attraction, different strokes for different folks. I would never presume that someone was unattractive simply because they were balding, short etc... For me attraction comes from a deeper place than what people look like in a mirror. But there would be some turn offs, like bad dental hygiene, or obesity - and I dont mean a stone or even two overweight, but actual morbid obesity, for what it represents as opposed to how it looks.

I wouldnt like to be with someone because of how they looked, because people age and beauty fades, and Id prefer to be a happy old lady rocking in my chair holding hands with my bald wrinkly husband and having a laugh together rather than wistfully wishing he still looked like the adonis of his youth.

beks101

There are things that I like in theory, but then someone comes along and wipes the board with that theory, so it's not a very reliable list.

In the past some complete 'non-negotiables' on paper have been completely ripped to shreds with as much as a second glance. Most recently, smoking - ugh, hate smokers, hate the smell, the sight, the taste, the complete disregard someone must have for their own health to bother with it...and BAM! I'm in love with a smoker :eek:

Charisma, that elusive chemistry and spark that draws two people together to me has always started with a sort of 'familiarness' in a guy's company, a sort of comfort and safety I feel around him right from the second that we meet. Almost as though we've met before, and yet I find myself, somewhat paradoxically intrigued and compelled by him. A consuming sort of curiosity.

That usually leads to ease of conversation, humour, lots of laughter and bonding over stupid things, and then with the element of physical attraction to that and he just becomes irresistible.

So yeah. I'm going to invent that, harvest it and sell it in a bottle widely available in all good supermarkets. Watch this space!

Any key?

Tigger99 wrote: »

I've been attracted to many men who wouldn't be conventionally attractive. Charisma definitely helps.

But why does it matter what she thinks or try to make her understand? She doesn't sound like a nice person at all.

I agree with the general sentiment here but I'm sure she's a nice person she's your friend after all. You can't expect everybody to agree with you especially regading something like attraction.

All my friends find my taste in men abhorrent but I disagree Who cares anyway once your happy?

pwurple

username123 wrote: »

I used to agree with this but then a friend had a front tooth knocked out in sport and simply had not got the money for an implant (the dental work was going to run to thousands). He was devastated. It makes me think twice now regarding peoples teeth, as in, not to judge immediately because dental work can cost so much that sometimes cost is simply prohibitive. I myself am guilty of delaying dental work over cost.

You're right. I forgot to add 'Stoney broke' to my list of things I don't like about bad teeth!

That's a joke, before I get slaughtered