Common enough problem.

swiftblade

So, there's an anniversary mass for my Grandfather tomorrow. You can probably guess that I'm not religious, hence posting this.

My Dad has asked me did I want to go, but he knows my position and is cool with it. Problem is, I kind of feel bad. I had a whole talk with him about that I don't feel it necessary to go to a church to remember people.

Anyway, I feel really awkward when ever I go to a church service. I haven't gone in 4 years. Last time I went I got strange looks for not kneeling or crossing my hands etc.

Anyway around this that you have found works? I don't have to go, but I don't want to come across like a dick either.

mistress_gi

swiftblade wrote: »

So, there's an anniversary mass for my Grandfather tomorrow. You can probably guess that I'm not religious, hence posting this.

My Dad has asked me did I want to go, but he knows my potion and is cool with it. Problem is, I kind of feel bad. I had a whole talk with him about that I don't feel it necessary to go to a church to remember people.

Anyway, I feel really awkward when ever I go to a church service. I haven't gone in 4 years. Last time I went I got strange looks for not kneeling or crossing my hands etc.

Anyway around this that you have found works? I don't have to go, but I don't want to come across like a dick either.

Hi! If it was me i would go and either ignore the strange looks or wait outside.

MagicMarker

If you just don't like the looks you're getting then you could just sit or stand at the back. Problem solved.

But if you don't wanna go then you don't wanna go. A remembrance mass seem kind of pointless to me, I wouldn't feel guilty for not going.

matrim

For something like an anniversary mass where the main greivers are friends / other family members, it would depend on what it would mean to that person. If it was important for them that I go, I'd go otherwise I wouldn't.

You are probably overstating / imagining the amount of stares you're getting. If it's important for your Father, go and stand / sit near the back and just be there for him. If it's not important to him don't go to the mass but be there during the rest of the day for him.

FouxDaFaFa

Personally, I go to remembrance masses. Not because I need to go to think of the person, but as a show of support for my family/the family involved.

It's your call, really.

swiftblade

It just all seems so pointless to me. The priest doesn't even know who this person was!

There's also the fact that I know some family members will use this as a, "See, that wasn't so bad? You should come more often!" type thing.

I'm thinking maybe, skip church, then buy my Dad a pint afterwards or something. :P

FouxDaFaFa

Is your family getting together afterwards for a meal or a drink or something? Maybe just go to that.

Nonoperational

I'd just go and sit there. It's 40 minutes. It doesn't have to mean anything.

swiftblade

FouxDaFaFa wrote: »

Is your family getting together afterwards for a meal or a drink or something? Maybe just go to that.

They'll probably go out for lunch after it.

To be honest, I actually find that much better. We just sit around telling old stories about my Grandfather, funny memories. Instead of just sitting in a massive hall, chanting away.

Dave!

I just go to the masses, that's my workaround! As far as I'm concerned it's neither for the deceased (for obvious reasons), nor for me (I'll have my own quiet moments of reflection whenever appropriate), but for whomever was close to the person being remembered - in this case your father. I imagine it gives them a bit of solace and reminds them that (a) their family is still thinking of their loved one, and (b) while they may have lost someone who loves them, they have lots of others who love them still.

Your father may not be as fragile as I might be suggesting there, but nevertheless it's a very minor sacrifice and might mean a lot to him. I gather he knows you don't believe in any of it, so it's good that you don't have to keep up that facade even. It'll just be a comfort for him to have the family there. What do you care what looks you get from others? You're not there for them. Sure if a Muslim went to your Christian Church and didn't go through the rituals they'd probably get the same looks.

My 2c. You'd be perfectly within your rights not to go too.

Stheno

I go, for my family.

I don't do the prayers, the sign of the peace thing, and I don't kneel.

But I go as they see it as something that is comforting to them as a way of remembering the deceased who was very very religious.

I spend the time ignoring the service and reflecting on my memories of the person, which essentially is what it's all about.

pauldla

I'd go, as a show of family support and solidarity, and sit quietly at the back. You don't have to go (and good on your father for discussing it with you), but you might come to regret not going more than you would regret going. Don't do it for the priest, or the congregation, or even for your Granddad; do it for your old man.

UDP

I used to go to anniversary masses but don't anymore unless there is a very specific reason to. They are just normal masses with the person's name mentioned often by someone who didn't even know the person. Literally as bad as "we especially remember x. May he/she rest in peace". That's it. No story or anything else about the person.

OP, don't feel obliged to go since it is pretty much a normal mass. You could go to the graveyard and whatever else they might be doing.

SmilingLurker

Sorry for your loss. I hope it went ok for you.

I go to funerals and weddings. (my extended family know what I will and will not do... humanist marriage, no dipping of my little girl in water, so they are used to what I will and will not participate in)

You don't have to actively participate, just be there for them. Funerals are for those left behind, and if it gives a friend or member of your family comfort that you were there to support them in spite of your lack of belief it is a kind gesture.

Real Life

i had to do this recently. my father practically begged me to go even though my parents know how i feel about it so i said i would.
i just stood at the back and didnt partake in anything apart from the handshake part where i would say pleased to meet you (cos im real immature like that.)

It made my father happy that i went and it was only a little over half an hour out of my life so wasnt too bad.

Dades

Have a read of this thread (or some of it!) and go to the mass.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056812664

It's not about you.

UDP

Dades wrote: »

It's not about you.

The problem I have about this reasoning is that it is about the OP. The OP lost a grandfather.

I could understand it if it was his grandfather's funeral since it would be the main remembrance event dedicated solely to him but an anniversary mass is just a normal mass with his grandfather's name tacked for a somewhat socially obligatory donation.

That the OP's father is ok with the OP not going is good to hear. It is thick ignorant and highly selfish of anyone to try and coerce their children and/or others into attending such a ridiculous event.

Sertus

swiftblade wrote: »

So, there's an anniversary mass for my Grandfather tomorrow. You can probably guess that I'm not religious, hence posting this.

My Dad has asked me did I want to go, but he knows my position and is cool with it. Problem is, I kind of feel bad. I had a whole talk with him about that I don't feel it necessary to go to a church to remember people.

Anyway, I feel really awkward when ever I go to a church service. I haven't gone in 4 years. Last time I went I got strange looks for not kneeling or crossing my hands etc.

Anyway around this that you have found works? I don't have to go, but I don't want to come across like a dick either.

Your Dad sounds like he doesn't mind either way, so up to you. If you don't want to don't. If you do go sit beside your Dad, not down the back.

I'm an atheist and I lived abroad for years, so I see it as no different to going to a Protestant / Hindu / Muslim / Jewish service, I stand when they stand, I sit when
they sit, I just don't pray or kneel, nor would they want you to. No one will notice or care, quite a few Catholics don't pray aloud or kneel either.

If you do go, just don't be a dick like the new atheist I witnessed at the last friend's anniversary mass I attended, where he sniggered and snorted through the mass to make some weird point to those sitting near him. The only point he suceeded in making was that he was an a@@hole.

ShooterSF

If it means much to your auld fella I'd go. Thankfully neither of my parents are church going types and remember the dead in their own private ways so I don't ever get put in the situation.

Sertus wrote: »

If you do go, just don't be a dick like the new atheist I witnessed at the last friend's anniversary mass I attended, where he sniggered and snorted through the mass to make some weird point to those sitting near him. The only point he suceeded in making was that he was an a@@hole.

Sounds like a prat all right. Just out of curiosity though how long was he an atheist and how long until you can no longer describe yourself as new to the phenomenon? I'm 10 years+ at the whole atheist thing, I'm guessing I'm not "new" then any more.

swiftblade

Should probably post an update to this.

I didn't go. I asked my Dad again and he was completely fine with it. He said the reason he asked was that, the majority of the time the rest of my family would just go to mass. They would never ask me (something that I am thankful for) He just didn't want to make me feel excluded. I then met up with the rest of my family after mass.

On a slightly seperate note though. My mum recently broke her arm, so I've had to drive her to mass for the past few Sundays. This also meant attending.

In regards to what I do when I'm "there". I will stand and sit, but that's about all. I do not kneel.

I keep getting weird comments off people though. It's kind funny for the most part. Like when I didn't bless myself when entering, some old fella said, "That stuff doesn't burn you know?"

krudler

swiftblade wrote: »

Should probably post an update to this.

I didn't go. I asked my Dad again and he was completely fine with it. He said the reason he asked was that, the majority of the time the rest of my family would just go to mass. They would never ask me (something that I am thankful for) He just didn't want to make me feel excluded. I then met up with the rest of my family after mass.

On a slightly seperate note though. My mum recently broke her arm, so I've had to drive her to mass for the past few Sundays. This also meant attending.

In regards to what I do when I'm "there". I will stand and sit, but that's about all. I do not kneel.

I keep getting weird comments off people though. It's kind funny for the most part. Like when I didn't bless myself when entering, some old fella said, "That stuff doesn't burn you know?"

That's when you hiss and run away.

pauldla

krudler wrote: »

That's when you hiss and run away.

Yeah; bring some joke vampire teeth next time.

kylith

It was one of my grandfather's anniversary masses at the weekend and thankfully I wasn't asked to go, even though I was in town for it. I have no problem arguing with my mother, but I find it very hard to say no to my dad about anything.

Talking to them afterward I told them that of course I would go if it were the Month's Mind or the first anniversary, but the man's been dead for 25 years, and the extent of it being an anniversary mass was the line "we remember those who have their anniversaries around this time".

Not going means I missed a feed of ribs in my aunt's house after mass though. Ah well.