Daughter not coming home for Christmas

LegacyUser

My only daughter and child left home to live with her boyfriend at his family home last March. Since then I have hardly seen here but for the few hours that she has come down to visit me. We had always been close and I raised her in a loving and caring envoirnment. Since this year, we have hardly gone out together for shopping etc. She mostly now does that with her boyfriend and his family.

I was actually looking forward to Christmas with her but she will now not come and spend Christmas with me. Instead she will be spending it with his family. I am on my own. and only for a good friend of mine I would be spending it on my own.

I met her boyfriends mother a week ago, but have not been invited down at all. I invited her to come down to me anytime. She was delighted. It was hard for me to watch her and her boyfriend with his mum, walk away after we said our goodbyes.

My daughter said she would come down after Christmas Day. Christmas is important to me. A time for family. I know she isn't all about Christmas like me, but I do think it is important to be with family at this time of the year. I am happy that she is doing her own thing. I am new to being on my own and have taken up some new hobbies to fill my time and have a few plans for the new year. But family is family.

I do not know what to think or do. I am expecting her on the 26th but for all her years we spent it together and with friends. It was always a great time and such fun. This time I am don't feel like celebrating. What's the point.

Is this a typical thing to happen?

Stavro Mueller

From what you've described regarding your relationship with your daughter since she moved out in March, this doesn't surprise me. For whatever reasons she has cut the apron strings with a vengeance and very much thrown in her lot with her boyfriend and his family. You'll obviously have a much better insight into the reasons for this than us strangers on the internet. I think there are bigger issues at play here and it's just that they're manifesting themselves now.

When it comes to Christmas, adult children have to make choices about who to spend Christmas Day with. In my own family, for example, my aunts and uncles sometimes end up having Christmas dinner by themselves because their adult children/kids have gone to their in-laws that year or they've decided to stay home for a change.

Times change and this is one of them. What you did in times past isn't going to be the template for what you do in the future, I'm afraid. As you've said yourself, Christmas isn't as big a deal to her as it is to you. Maybe too, family isn't as important to her either. She has moved on with her life and it looks like you're starting to do the same. On the good side, she is still coming down on the 26th so it's not as if she has abandoned you. So put on a big smile and do your best to enjoy the day.

ABajaninCork

I can kind of see both sides. I am that daughter who won't be home for Christmas. I've not been home for Christmas for five years. This will be my sixth spent away from home.

It's tough, as there's lots of reasons why I haven't been home (mostly financial).

It must be very hard for you OP. But you have to accept that you're not the main focus in your daughter's life any more. She's coming over to you Boxing Day. At least you'll have some of the holidays with her. Just make the day as nice as possible for yourselves.

Happy Christmas!

iguana

notlookingforwardtoxmas wrote: »

My daughter said she would come down after Christmas Day. Christmas is important to me. A time for family. I know she isn't all about Christmas like me, but I do think it is important to be with family at this time of the year. I am happy that she is doing her own thing. I am new to being on my own and have taken up some new hobbies to fill my time and have a few plans for the new year. But family is family.

Yes family is family but what you have to get your head around is that to your daughter, her boyfriend is her family. Not legally sure, but in practical terms he is her partner who she lives with. He's her primary family. When people grow up and live with a partner, they and the partner become the nuclear family and their parents/siblings become their extended family. In your daughter's case it is different as she lives with her boyfriend and his family rather than just her boyfriend so I can understand why you feel a bit like she has 'defected' from your family and joined his instead and you are finding this hurtful and hard to accept.

However I think you need to change how you see things because if you are letting her know that you feel that way, even if you don't say it directly to her but are still letting her pick up on your feelings in other ways, you could be pushing her away more and more. Because it is probably making her feel stressed and guilty. I think the best thing to do is to accept her decision for what it is - her founding a family unit with her partner. Make plans for a great December 26th with her. One that is laid back and stress free. And let her know through your actions that you respect that she and her boyfriend are their own family. That way she is more likely to enjoy spending time with you and hopefully next year it will be your turn for for them to visit for Christmas.

ck83

I can see why you wouldn't be looking forward to Xmas. Unless something bad happened between you, I cannot comprehend why your daughter would leave you to have Christmas on your own. I know things happen, and children have to fly the nest, but where there's just one child and one parent, there should be exceptions. I have a mother and a boyfriend. My mother just has me and her elderly aunt most Christmases, and if the circumstance was to arise where I wanted to spend the holiday with my boyfriends family, I would have to make it clear to them that they would have to be in attendance too... I couldn't possibly leave them to it. Sure they'd be miserable without me!!

I presume she is very young?

I can't understand why you wouldn't be asked down for Christmas.
When they know that you are being left on your own.
Maybe something isn't right in that house/relationship.

I think you should talk to her. Explain the impact that she is having on you with her actions.

Something is very wrong, when you have a good mother.
And you think nothing of leaving her by herself over Christmas.

notlookingforwardtoxmas

notlookingforwardtoxmas wrote: »

Is this a typical thing to happen?

Yes, a lot of the time when someone begins a family of their own, their parents don't get first look on Christmas day. I work in a shop and a lot of my older customers have told me that ever since their kids had kids they spend Christmas alone.

There's a reason she went to live with him instead of him come live with you, and since she's now living with him and his family it makes sense that she would spend Christmas with them.

It's unfortunate that you haven't been invited, but it's possible that her boyfriend's family didn't think of it and she didn't feel it was her place to be inviting people to dinner. It's also possible that she doesn't realise how much you need her. It's also possible that your relationship isn't as strong as you think. It's also possible that she's just still too young to get why this would be so important to you.

Either way, there's nothing you can do except get on with things by yourself and be grateful that you'll be spending the day after Christmas with her.

maryk123

My heart goes out to your situation.

your daughter should have taken into account that you will be on your own and its unusual that you were not asked to his mothers house. i know all my friends who have one parent are always asked to the other house . no matter what christmas is a lonely time and a time for family. i have a sister abroad and she didnt come home for a couple of years (the usual financial but can go on hols) anyway my mother cried throughout the whole christmas and my heart totally went out to her. she is coming home this year - remember you only have one set of parents and when they are gone all you have is memories. so op i can totally see your point. the only thing i can say is does she see this - i remember when i was younger and going out i didnt even see what was going on at home i was so wrapped up in my own little world.

at least you have your friend and enjoy christmas she will be home on the 26th and enjoy her then dont make her feel guilty as this might push her further away - maybe have a little chat with her the boyfriend could be very demanding - so keep your eyes open.

have a lovely christmas either way

Lorna123

This is very sad for you OP. The way I would see it is that your daughter has this new life now and wants to do something different this Christmas. It is all new to her and she is caught up with it. She wants to be with her b/f and in order for that to happen she has to celebrate with his family. She is inconsiderate and that is the bottom line. A lot of young people are inconsiderate in that they don't think about stuff like this and don't place much emphasis on it, not to the extent that you do. She just thinks that if she spends Christmas Day with them and St. Stephens Day with you that everything is hunky dorey. What I don't understand is why she is not asking you how you are going to spend your Christmas Day and why she is not concerned that you will be on your own. I don't like to say this to you OP, but she was an only child and maybe she is used to getting things her own way and not having to consider anyone else. She might feel obliged to spend Christmas day with his family because they suggested it and she is living in their house.

Having said this she might go to you next year and alternate this arrangement. You could suggest to her that herself and her boyfriend spend Christmas with you next year and get that invitation in first. Afterall if she has children in the future she will be spending Christmas in her own home with them and it just means that this plan is starting a bit earlier. Still if she had her own home and you were on your own I would expect her to invite you for Christmas. At the moment she is living with her b/f family so her hands are tied as far as inviting is concerned but she should still be asking you how you feel about all of this.

Let it go OP, just make allowances for the fact that she is young, not thinking straight and in time this will be rectified.

Enjoy Christmas Day on your own, you can eat and drink as you like, and watch whatever t.v. programmes you like. You will have a very nice day and it is only 12 hours and will be over, so next day you have your daughter. You are the bigger person here and I bet that your daughter will get a bit more sensitive to you as time goes on. I cannot for the life of me imagine how she can go through Christmas Day and not feel sad that you are on your own. I bet she will feel bad about it on the day and will not do this again next year.

Happy Christmas Op.

tomthetank

Personally I think it's very selfish & inconsiderate of your daughter. I wouldn't dream of leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day, the thought alone breaks my heart.

Sure adult children will have families of their own & that new family will become their priority but obviously your daughter isn't that far along yet since she only moved out earlier this year.

It's either that your daughter is immature, blinded by love & not considering anyone outside of her little love bubble or there's something amiss in your relationship.

I think you should tell her how you're feeling.

Beruthiel

notlookingforwardtoxmas wrote: »

My only daughter and child left home to live with her boyfriend at his family home last March.

I am a mother with one daughter who is in her twenties, she also lives with her b/f's mother, so try to take on board what I am about to say.
She will spend Christmas Eve with me, but not Christmas Day, she will be spending that with her father.
That's fine, I'll mostly spend the better part of the day playing Assassins Creed on my xbox and won't want to be disturbed!

Your comments tell me one thing very clearly - you expect too much from your daughter, you are putting pressure on her to do X,Y & Z the way you would like because you don't have a huge circle of friends/family to turn to.
That's tough on you, I really do understand that.
However, I'm afraid that does not give you the right to expect your daughter to be there exactly when you want her to be. Nor should you put that kind of stressful pressure on her. Whither you know it or not, I'm betting she is feeling that.

So two things you should do, widen your circle of friends and start to live your life in a way that is not dependent on your daughter for happiness.
Secondly, as has been said, when she does turn up, put a smile on your face and do not make her feel guilty for not doing things your way.

Maybe get yourself an xbox 360, Skyrim will keep you going right up to March!

Lollipops23

I don't your daughter is being fair at all to be honest- leaving her own mother alone on Xmas day (it'd be different if there were siblings etc) is so heartless.

The fact is, your her only actual family in the picture, and she's choosing to spend it with her boyfriend. That sets all kind of alarm bells off for me.

I'm spending New Years with my OH and his lot, and even I feel bad not being with my mam (even though she has my step dad and will most likely have a whale of a time with a bottle of wine, some chocolates and Jools Holland). It's a horrible feeling to be deserted, and your daughter is at best extremely thoughtless.

Cerulean Chicken

I'm an only child and it's just myself and my mum for Christmas Eve/Christmas morning before extended family come for dinner. In the 10 years I've lived away from home I have never missed a Christmas with her, my boyfriends (3 long term) have always had Christmas with their families and I with mine, the thoughts of my mum being at home alone on Christmas Eve, Christmas morning and night would break my heart (even though knowing her she wouldn't actually mind it too much, I just can't do it). I think I've read posts from you before about your daughter and all I can think is she must be very young and this is her first serious relationship? She seems to be all consumed by him and his family, unless your relationship was bad in the first place I don't see how she could just basically cut you out to go do everything with her boyfriend and his family, I find it very odd for mother/daughter only family.

I'm getting married next year and Christmas will still always be myself at home with my mum and family, and him here with his or him with us too, his parents have lots of other children so it's been agreed a long time ago that my mum is entitled to have her only child with her every year, not spend every second year alone.

The only thing I can hope for you - if there was no breakdown of your relationship prior to her moving out - is that in a year or two as she matures she'll realise that her boyfriend isn't the be all and end all, and will realise she needs to spend time with you too.

Big Bag of Chips

Beruthiel wrote: »

you expect too much from your daughter, you are putting pressure on her to do X,Y & Z the way you would like because you don't have a huge circle of friends/family to turn to.

This is a good point, OP. And it doesn't matter what you expect her to do, or hope she'll do, or think she should do... She is doing her own thing now.

Ok - she is an only child, you are alone, it would be nice (and probably the norm in most houses) for her to spend Christmas with you, but.... You have to accept that your relationship has now changed. So - you can sit around upset by what you think she should do, or you can start adapting to the new relationship you have now.

Regardless of what anyone here says to you, Christmas Day is going to be a lonely day for you. You will be mourning the loss of your daughter, you will be mourning the relationship you thought you had... Instead of sitting at home alone, (probably crying) why not try something completely different?

Ring your local Simon Community or other charity, see is there somewhere you can volunteer to help giving out dinners/visiting people in hospital or nursing homes who are alone etc...

Your life is changed now from what it always was - you can sit around feeling miserable about it, or you can take the opportunity to change and do things that you never would have considered before.

I sincerely wish you well, Christmas will be miserable for you if you allow it to be.. it can also be a lovely time if you are open to doing something different, and starting a "new tradition" for yourself!

P. Breathnach

OP, your daughter is now living in a family setup with her boyfriend and his parents. It might present a different kind of difficulty if she decided to break that up for Christmas. So she might be in a situation where, whatever she does, somebody will be discommoded.

It might be helpful to you and your daughter if you moved your Christmas. Adopt the 26th as the day when you mark the midwinter festivities. Invite her boyfriend as well, and have a special time together. Just don't do the turkey & ham thing!

ViveLaVie

I don't agree at all that the mother is expecting too much of her daughter and I also think it is totally unfair to say that young people are selfish and don't consider others, as one poster did.

I am young and I would never not be with my parents during Christmas. Christmas is for family and, whether your daughter's boyfriend can be considered to be her new family or not, you are her first family. Both of my sisters are married and they both come home for Christmas and their partners go home for theirs. That may change when kids enter the picture and that is understandable.

If I were you OP I would say it to her. Why not ask has she considered that you are going to be essentially alone for the day? I think it is horribly selfish and mean spirited to leave a parent alone for Christmas Day. The thought of doing that to my mother breaks my heart.

Either way OP I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

thier

There must be other issues at play here. You would want to be completely heartless to leave your mother alone on Christmas day.

LegacyUser

This thread is heartbreaking to read. By the age of 24 I had lost both my parents. My dad when I was 12, and my mum just last year before christmas.
I would do anything to have them here with me this christmas.

I understand that people have their own lives and new families of their own, and that's grand of course but I can't comprehend how someone who has a good relationship with a parent could even consider leaving one parent all alone at christmas.
Since my father died myself and all my siblings always had christmas with our mum nomatter what relationship we were in as we grew up. My older sister married and had kids but every single year she invited us all to her house for christmas, and me and mum would help her out with cooking and organising. She also invites my long term boyfriend every year but he always goes to his own relatives for dinner. This year myself and my brothers will again be going to my sisters for christmas and I will meet up with boyfriend in the evening. We live together so plenty of time to spend together later on.

I am trying to picture a scenario in my head of where my own mum would have been left alone at christmas, and tbh it is too painful to even try to imagine. I just find it unbelievably cruel and heartless. Either that or your daughter is just the most inconsiderate daughter ever but doesn't intend to cause hurt? Maybe she just thinks you will grand because you have a friend with you?

At least you will have a friend with you op, but I know that for you that doesn't seem anywhere close to having your daughter with you. Do you have any brothers or sisters that you and your friend could go to for christmas and spend the day with them and their families. Or do ye have any other friends who are going to be alone? Ye could all meet up together and make more of a group so it's less lonely.

I've just thought of something else. Could it be that you were not invited to theirs because your daughter knows you have plans made to spend it with your friend? Maybe your daughter had told her boyfriends mum that you had already made plans and that is why the woman never invited you?

I think you should talk to your daughter about how you are feeling. Not to try and guilt trip her, but just say that you would like to spend some more time together in general because you feel ye are growing apart a little and then really enjoy st stephens day together. And as another poster said, get your invite in there for next year! :-)

Jack B. Badd

Beruthiel wrote: »

Your comments tell me one thing very clearly - you expect too much from your daughter, you are putting pressure on her to do X,Y & Z the way you would like because you don't have a huge circle of friends/family to turn to.
That's tough on you, I really do understand that.
However, I'm afraid that does not give you the right to expect your daughter to be there exactly when you want her to be.

I definitely agree with this OP. You may have one view of your mother-child relationship but it appears that it doesn't coincide with your daughter's view of it & since it takes 2 to make a relationship work, I think you'll have to deal with the change to your perspective. You appear to be relying on her overly much (single child exceptions/expectations or no, she had no say in being a single child remember) and tbh you're coming across as a bit clingy. She may be reacting to that - some people do, for instance nothing with make me stand off like someone (even family) coming on too strong with me.

She's an adult now & has developed new adult relationships and so should you. You've finished your child-rearing, you now have the opportunity to expand your social circle Including developing a more adult relationship with your daughter - talk to her about it, foster positive changes in your relationship & don't focus on the past so much.

And as you've said, you won't be alone at Christmas. You'll be spending it with a good friend - enjoy their company & your daughter's on St. Stephen's Day.

beks101

I really can't believe your daughter could have the lack of foresight to see how this would upset you.

I'm from a family of five, two sisters, Mum and Dad and with the crazy flight delays happening in the U.S at the moment, there's a chance that Christmas may well be spent in an airport for me this year and already I feel guilty at that prospect.

Personally I think your daughter needs a good kick up the aRse, but administering it yourself would probably be counter-productive because she'd probably throw a strop and embed herself further into her boyfriend's family's plans.

I don't think this is a situation that can be accounted for in an 'ah that's life, accept it and move on' kind of way, especially because your daughter is an only child and presumably as mother and daughter you have your own set of Christmas traditions every year. Christmas morning, exchanging presents, Christmas dinner, watching a movie together, whatever. Why should you have to give all of that up just because your daughter is too selfish and caught up in her own little (relatively new) romance to take anyone else into consideration?

If she was so intent on spending Christmas elsewhere, she should have 1. asked you far in advance if you would be OK with it and 2. invited you along, or made plans to visit you for a few hours on Christmas Day, not Christmas eve, not Stephens, not any other day. Her complete disregard for you and your traditions together is very disrespectful and makes me so sad.

I definitely think you should talk to her in a carefully worded but straight forward way. Let your feelings be known. You are her mother! And her only direct family by the sound of it. I don't care what anyone else says - she owes you more than this.

woodchuck

I think most people here are being too harsh on the daughter. The OP said herself that she'd be alone EXCEPT that she has a good friend to spend it with. So it's not as if she's being left out in the cold by herself or anything! Also we don't know how long these plans have been in place?

Last year was the first year I didn't spend Christmas day with my parents. This year will be the first year my boyfriend won't be spending Christmas day with HIS parents. We're taking it in turns and will probably continue to do so. Unfortunately you can't please everyone all the time though. OP I'd suggest when your daughter comes to visit you on the 26th that you say that you'd like to have her and her boyfriend up for dinner on Christmas day next year (as a nice invite, not a guilt trip for not spending Christmas with you this year). For all you know they've already decided themselves to take it in turns and just haven't told you yet.

It would've been nice if the boyfriends parents invited you over for dinner, but you can't hold that against your daughter.

IrishEyes19

wow, Im amazed at some people. you need to take a hard look at your conscience if you left your mother on her own for xmas. id have no problem telling my bf that I would split the time between family and inlaws and that my mother would have first pick. she raised me, she deserves better to be honest.

Maura74

You do not have to spend Christmas alone, there must be lots of charity work that you can do such as visiting residents in care homes that are on their own there. Also you could help out with the homeless with Vince de Paul charity work, there is nothing more rewarding than doing work like this and it will be very much appreciated. I am sure there are other charity work that you can do in your local community.

Hope my post is not off topic.

CaraMay

I think your daughter is being at minimum thoughtless (and I am being very very charitable there) and i would have to wonder what kind of a family she is involved with that would leave you alone on Xmas day.. There is nothing stopping them inviting you to come for xmas day if she is that important a part of their family.... I would not do it in 1 million years.

It seems very bizarre to me. She sees her bf and his family ALL the time so why can she not spend one day with you. There is no excuse for her behaviour other than total selfishness or maybe a sinister dependence on her boyfriend imho. I would back off and make other plans for Stephens day as well - not to give her space but because you dont need such a self centred individual in your life.

Fast forward many years to when you are gone, she will be one sorry lady that she missed this opportunity to spend Xmas with you.

Jack B. Badd

CaraMay wrote: »

I think your daughter is being at minimum thoughtless (and I am being very very charitable there) and i would have to wonder what kind of a family she is involved with that would leave you alone on Xmas day.

By the OP's own admission, she's not alone on Christmas Day, she'll be spending it with a friend.

CaraMay wrote: »

It seems very bizarre to me. She sees her bf and his family ALL the time so why can she not spend one day with you.

She is spending a day with her mother, she's spending St. Stephen's Day with her.



I don't think it benefits the OP to twist the facts to make her feel worse and concentrate on perceived negatives. She can wallow in her feelings of abandonment or she can make the best of it and enjoy the Christmas period which she will get to spend with friends and family (albeit not in the exact way she would like).

CaraMay

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

By the OP's own admission, she's not alone on Christmas Day, she'll be spending it with a friend.



She is spending a day with her mother, she's spending St. Stephen's Day with her.



I don't think it benefits the OP to twist the facts to make her feel worse and concentrate on perceived negatives. She can wallow in her feelings of abandonment or she can make the best of it and enjoy the Christmas period which she will get to spend with friends and family (albeit not in the exact way she would like).

You are entitled to you opinion and I mine but nothing changes the fact that I THINK the daughter is behaving abominably. Why sugar coat it? Its obvious her mother knows it too.

Stavro Mueller

notlookingforwardtoxmas wrote: »

My only daughter and child left home to live with her boyfriend at his family home last March. Since then I have hardly seen her but for the few hours that she has come down to visit me. We had always been close and I raised her in a loving and caring environment. Since this year, we have hardly gone out together for shopping etc. She mostly now does that with her boyfriend and his family.

This is a bigger issue than just Christmas. It can be interpreted any way you want of course but there has to be a reason why the daughter has very much reduced the time she spends with her mother. Everyone will have their own take on this but ultimately it's something I hope the OP and her daughter sort out between themselves.

ck83

A lot of people seem to think this whole scenario is grand because the OP will be with a friend on christmas day. the fact is that the OP is spending Christmas with her friend because she didn't have her daughter to spend Xmas with. It seems from the OP that the friend is having her for xmas because she heard she would be alone. It's not that the daughter said "oh my mam is busy for Christmas so ill do my own thing".

The_Morrigan

I think a lot of posters are being too hard on the daughter too. Kids grew up, they leave the nest, they start families and family traditions of their own.

OP have you told her that you'll be completely alone on Christmas day or have you assumed she will figure it out and how upset you will be? She is not a mind reader, and if she told you well in advance of the festivities she may have thought that you'd make plans with friends so you wouldn't be completely on your own. She also offered up the compromise of spending St Stephens Day with you, which I think is fair. If herself and the BF settle down and start a family you will need to get used to alternative Christmas arrangements as the family grows bigger and people try to share out the holidays amongst each other and grandparents.

Also, just to point out that it's not always children who do the 'leaving' at Christmas. I'm the daughter in my house and my parents have fecked off and left me completely alone this Christmas for the first time in 32 years.

For me, it's not a big deal, I'm not a big Christmas fan and I get to sit in my pj's all day and watch the tv I want to watch, I'm not having a weeks worth of food shovelled onto plates during the course of the day and I'm not getting annoyed at the antics of my family once there is drink in them But it will be the first Christmas that I've had to spend alone and it does make me feel a little lonely. But my parents have started a new phase of their lives and this is their first Christmas after retirement and it doesn't involve children. They spent years looking after others, now they are having the Christmas they want, if may seem selfish to other people who have commented about leaving me on my todd, but they have worked hard all their lives and deserve to do what they want. I'm not going to have a tantrum about it.

iguana

cymbaline wrote: »

It can be interpreted any way you want of course but there has to be a reason why the daughter has very much reduced the time she spends with her mother.

Yes, the very obvious reason that up until March the mother and daughter lived together and in March the daughter moved out and started living with her boyfriend.

OP, have you posted about this issue with your daughter a number of times since the spring? Does your daughter's 'mother-in-law' have some fairly significant mental health problems, ongoing memory loss and depression? If so, do you not think that perhaps your daughter has made the choice to help her boyfriend look after his mother for the day, while she sees you as someone who is health and self-sufficient and doesn't need her as much as her boyfriend and mother-in-law do. Apologies if you aren't the person who wrote the other threads but your writing style and the circumstance are very similar and if you are the same person I think that his mother's health issues could be a significant factor here.

Stavro Mueller

iguana wrote: »

Yes, the very obvious reason that up until March the mother and daughter lived together and in March the daughter moved out and started living with her boyfriend.

That's not what I meant I don't know how anyone would think that. I think there is a more serious issue afoot here because the OP said she has hardly seen her daughter in the last 9 months.

But if Iguana's right about this being the same person, it would be a reason for this.

LegacyUser

Christmas is a time spent with those you love, are closest to and who make you happy. Being a mother does not automatically make you one of those people and I think it's very naive and presumptuous of people to assume that being someone's mother immediately deems you worthy of their unconditional time and consideration.

I'm sure the OP's daughter didn't arrive at her decision lightly and is likely to have a multitude of reasons for staying away that we'll never know about. Personally, I'm truly tired of this pedestal that mothers are placed on, when quite often people simply aren't nice and that includes mothers.

OP, your sense of entitlement permeates your posts and smacks a little of immaturity. I'm not sure whether you're posting here seeking validation but on the hope that it's advice, please speak to your daughter and make a sincere effort to understand her perspective and perhaps then you might find yourself spending more time with her

Taltos

All - please no more speculation to the OP or anything they may or may not have posted in the past.

Keep your replies on topic to this issue and details shared in this thread, any further off topic advice will result in moderator action.
If the OP chooses to share more then fine, but please don't link this post to others.

Taltos

Lorna123

I don't fully understand the relationship between the OP and her daughter but in a lot of cases young people do not get sentimental about their parents until later on in life. They just do what they want to do without thinking. Do not get maudlin OP, your daughter will be home for St. Stephen's Day and what you both did in the past is different now, that's all. Isn't it great that she has found a good partner and is moving on so happily. That is the most important thing. Your daughter just wants to do something different this year, she is young and adventurous and doesn't mean any harm. Thank God that this is the biggest problem you have.

beks101

beks101 wrote: »

Why should you have to give all of that up just because your daughter is too selfish and caught up in her own little (relatively new) romance to take anyone else into consideration?

2. invited you along, or made plans to visit you for a few hours on Christmas Day, not Christmas eve, not Stephens, not any other day.

I don't care what anyone else says - she owes you more than this.

Selfish? If the issue was selfishness it would be the OP who is at fault. Time with the people you love is important. That time can be any time. The reason that the 26th isn't good enough for the OP has nothing to do with getting to see her daughter, if it was then she'd be grateful to see her on the 26th, instead, it's about getting 1st spot on her daughter's "things to do on Christmas" list. It's about getting recognition at a time when the OP feels insecure, or I'd speculate, quite jealous, about the boyfriend's family having family time with her daughter.

Surely if Christmas day is really SO important and the 24th and 26th just aren't the same, the OP would want her daughter to spend it where she'll be happy.

BabysCoffee

OP, your daughter as an adult has chosen not to spend Christmas with you. I know this tough for you. You now need to occupy yourself on the 25th and then enjoy the 26th with her.

The other alternative is to force or coerce her to unhappily spend Christmas day with you.

Dave!

I also would find it hard to appreciate the point that "relationships change", people grow up and have their own families, etc... They do of course change, and it's not always possible to spend the day with your mother, or in some cases even to see them at all. But in the absence of a valid excuse for it, it is completely heartless to not try to include your mother in special occasions when they will be pretty much alone besides that.

This is assuming that there isn't something else at play. Either the relationship is not that as healthy as the OP believes, or the daughter is selfish and immature.