Dealing with Bullying- Where to turn?

TheEdgeofGlory

Hi all! I"m a new member to the forum!. I do apologize for the length of this thread, in advance!. My name is Emma, and I am 14 years old! I reside in Dublin.I despise pity, but I haven"t had the easiest of childhoods, although I honestly can"t complain! My younger brother was diagnosed with ADHD ( He is also on the autistic spectrum), at the age of 5!. He attended the same primary school as me until he was 8, and would switch schools many a time, in the coming years!. From the age of about 7 onward, I would become socially stigmatized, both by my peers at school, their parents, and my neighbors!.Quisitive sessions in relation to my brother"s condition,disapproving glares, and social exclusion became frequent ( There was a snobby atmosphere to begin with) , and while I had a few friends, it lead me to feel quite isolated(I then had the added stress of actually living at home with his condition). So, needless to say, I felt a sense of "respite" once leaving for secondary school! It was my opportunity for a fresh start, a chance to make new friends, and for a clean-slated "reputation" away from being the sister of the "weird kid". I am currently in my second year of secondary school!. I have formed many friendships, am doing very well academically, and the consensus is I"m generally well liked?. However, I am experiencing a very truculent period with one peer in particular! In First year, this peer happened to be a "friend" of some sort! I always assumed she was overly snobby, bitchy, and possessed "unpleasant" traits particularly towards my other friends! She never took that much interest in "socializing" outside of school, so I held a somewhat ""weary" approach towards her!.


Last year, she was accused of bullying two of my immediate peers ( One complaint was dealt with a resource teacher ( One of my friends has special needs), and the other with with my year head! I"m not quite certain what the end result of the "resource" teacher"s approach was, but I do know that the difficult peer was confronted by my year head numerous times, throughout the academic year! I shall give you examples of the actions thrust upon one of my best friends ( The girl who complained to the year head). (She has had a challenging upbringing due to her abusive father, now separated from her mother). She was subjected to physical abuse by the bully,( i.e struck on the head with hardback copies, newspapers have been violently snatched from the grasps of her hands, pencil cases have been flung at her), verbal ( ie "No body gives a flying f*** about your dad, stop feeling sorry for yourself", "I"m glad he beat the **** out of you, "You"re stupid", the list goes on. She also made crass remarks about her medical condition!. In conclusion, her life was made a living misery!. I am very fond of my best friend, as you would be, but conversing about the issue is sometimes difficult, as she is not very transparent about her emotions.


The bully also subjected one of my other friends to this torment, undermining her intelligence etc, and making open declarations in front of me such as "Her house is so dirty", "Her mother is screwed up", "She"s such a special child" etc. The bully also began remarking subtle digs about me, which I took no notice of!. However, since returning to school in September, life has become extremely difficult for me! Coupled with my Brother"s deteriorating ADHD ( And the stress of my parents), and excessive bullying, it is almost unbearable!. The bullying started the first week of term when she stated "You know I have a higher chance of studying medicine than you, because I clearly have the intelligence of Einstein, and you are an absolute idiot/****" "Your clumsiness and forgetfulness will lead you to kill all your patients". I was honestly stunned at this statement, not at her actual nerve to say this, but the extent of it. I attempted to not let it get to me, but this behavior would be considered "mild" compared to her actions that would follow in the coming days, weeks, and months!.



I would be treated to "Fail, Wow, Idiot, your feet are so dirty, you"re filthy" in every PE lesson!. Between the corridors and in classrooms daily,I experience "Retard, "You"re a disgrace to the music world" "Tweedle Dom"",Stupid" , "Go hang yourself", "s***", "Special child", "F***tard"", "Shut up,"Dike", ""Your brother is f**** up". "excuse me I was talking "( When attempting to answer questions, she dominates every class).She came up to myself and my friend on Open Night, and stated "You know if she killed someone, you"d agree with her" in regards to a girl from a younger year. She also spits at me, glares, knocks me down, pushes me,and sticks out her tongue!. I am forced to sit on my own in the library after school before Latin, as she forces herself upon a group of peers in my class ( One of them who happens to be close friend of mine) due to the fear of torment!. Every day feels like a constant battle to pull myself out of bed! My year head has been contacted TWICE, but has showcased much incompetence, and quite frankly ignorance in relation to the matter! The first occasion she confronted the issue, she brought me into an isolated room, asked for a example, and then brought me and this girl into a room to discuss our "differences".


The bully started crying, and received comfort and much sympathy from the year head for some obscure reason? She then apologized for saying "I couldn"t become a doctor" and that she from the moment she comes home to the moment she leaves for school, her parents and her brother argue IN FRONT OF THE YEAR HEAD. ( I highly doubt this as she brags about how wonderful her lifestyle is, e:g her parent"s professions, what functions she attends, what possessions she owns, the foreign holidays she ventures on ( 5 times a year) the list is endless. The year head then left us alone for a few minutes, and the girl whispered "You are pathetic to think I meant that" ( She also stated to some classmates later that she "Did it to save her ***". The situation became much worse, and my year head was contacted for a second time. ( She rang whilst I was hospitalized for suspected appendicitis, and insisted that she spoke to the girl and that she has DENIED EVERYTHING. She also mentioned that "Mrs *Germanotta* we shall say for certain purposes. ( Not My surname), we have to be two-sided about the situation. My mum empathized the amount of stress I am under, as a result, but seemed to take a blind eye. This had lead to not only myself and mother, but school friends developing a theory, that they are somehow related! Thus, explaining her desperation to protect her her. There is defiantly some peculiar underlining reason. I suspect she favors her at least, and this girl is adamant she is God"s greatest gift,(As I"ve stated, dominating the classroom environment( and defiantly the most intelligent student, despite me receiving a "academic achievement award" last year ( I hate to brag, but she didn"t). I have never caused one ounce of trouble, so my year head has no hold over me. I just felt disgusted that I have been basically accused of lying about an issue as serious as bullying!

I hold firm beliefs about pro-equality and anti-discrimination!. For our civics project at school she has set up " Anti-Bullying and suicide" websites, which sickened me to my core. I have received support from many school peers, but many have turned a blind eye, I suspect they feel manipulated by her! She has begun to treat other people in the school community in a weird way, but has also influenced two people within my year to turn against me! One has threatened to "Beat me up" ( The bully ******* about me behind my back with her), and the other has began directing comments such as " The only reason such and such is friends with you is because ( *Stefani* we shall call her is bullying you ( She said this IN FRONT OF HER), and "You"re playing electric guitar, that"s so gay compared to classical piano).My confidence has been hindered to such a degree that my academic focus/results are beginning to suffer! My Christmas Exams are set to begin tomorrow, and I fret about the results! I was so focused and diligent last year, in comparison!. The slack of support from AN ADULT, has lead me to become further isolated! I HATE my school environment, the school overall isn"t great, but, I"m craving a new environment!. There have been FOUR teenage suicides due to Bullying in Ireland as we are all aware, and I"m quite surprised about the limp response from the school! To some extent, I know "running away" never resolves an issue, but I feel as though you can"t fully comprehend the situation until you are in my shoes!. I feel as though, every aspect of myself is flawed or undermined!. I pride myself on Lady Gaga"s message, of bravery, acceptance, and tolerance, and will admit she is aiding me through this difficult period!

I am tempted to tape/record the daily on-goings, and take a smart approach to all of this!. This girl has form both in primary school and in stage school for this degree of behavior. ( I have sources) She is dyslexic, and apparently is on the "autistic" spectrum ( I highly doubt this, as she waddles her way out of trouble), but even so, I have lived with my brother"s condition, and even though he is destructive and hyper- active, he isn"t nasty intentionally, and her behavior should not be tolerated .! I am honestly at the end of my tether, and would appreciate any insight given!

Thank you,

Emma Juliet!

P. Breathnach

Hi Emma Juliet.

Sorry that you are going through this.

The first thing to bear in mind is that not every adult is wise, and the fact that your year head did not deal well with the problem, while disappointing, is not unique. There should be other avenues open to you within the school - perhaps a counsellor, or the principal, or a teacher that you have some good connection with.

The second thing: you have some control over how she makes you feel. You do not have to believe malicious words, especially when you know that this is what she does to people. Yes, it can be very irritating that she says such things, but so is a fly buzzing about your ears very irritating. Don't let it affect you more than as an irritation.

You are not alone in having such annoyances. You know that. You mention the suicides, and they are very sad cases. But there are far more than those four cases of bullying. There are hundreds of them, very commonly among girls in your age group. Many victims have their lives blighted by bullying, and we don't hear much about them because (fortunately) they are not driven to take extreme measures. But there is good news too: some targets of bullying come through it with little or no harm done. This is often because they think about what is happening, and realise that it is the bully who is the messed-up person, and not the target.

Hang in there, girl. There are plenty of good people around, and you should try to notice the good things more than the bad.

[A small thing: your post was difficult to read because you wrote it as one big block of text. You can edit it to break it into paragraphs.]

Taltos

I second the advice above.
It is hard when it is going on to see a clear way out or to see what is going on.

Quite often it is as above the bully having a major issue. And one way for them to feel in control of their own mediocre lives is to make someone else suffer. Not always the case but would not be surprised.

What can you do? Actually a hell of a lot.
1. Keep a record (safe and secure) of everything that is said or sent to you. Keep a note of dates, times and witnesses.
2. If you are using facebook and don't want to quit it - change your privacy settings and control who has access to your info.
3. Any posts or anything put on line - take a screenshot and make a copy - normally on your PC that is the printscreen button and goto Paint and hit CTRL V or just paste.
4. Find a teacher you trust or speak with your guidance counsellor. Your school has a duty of care to ensure you are being kept safe, remember that line... Worst case, you can do a few things - get your parents to speak with the principle again with the guidance counsellor (or whomever you have confided in present); escalate to the school board if there is one, escalate to your local gardai with a copy of all of your evidence, escalate to a local newspaper calling out how the school is failing you, and even so far as local politicians. With everything in the news there will be added focus on them to ensure their anti-bullying policies are in place and are effective - sometimes if you make enough noise someone will listen... See if your parents will engage legal advice, sometimes the threat of civil action is enough to get people to wake up, but don't threaten this without speaking to a solicitor - again the trail of harassment and bullying is key here..

Finally - keep reminding yourself that she can only hurt you if you let her. Just laugh at her and walk away, or better yet just ignore her - but be prepared, normally bullies escalate to get any type of reaction, so be strong and don't get caught alone with them.

jdsk2006

I will start by telling you I was into the third paragraph before I actually believed this post is genuine and you are indeed only 14 years old, I really thought at first because of the standard of your writing that you MUST be much much older! You should be proud of your abilities (I get the feeling you are anyways) and it saddens me to read your story.

You will always strive to reach your goals in life and make a success of yourself - thats who you are and who you are going to be. There will always be bystanders to your world looking on as you plough through, and not all of these bystanders will be in awe of you as I am. Some wont be nice to you, support you or wish you well. Some people as you have learned will be downright nasty to you. This is not your flaw Emma, people who behave as that girl is behaving are unbalanced, deeply scarred and unhappy. This girl is jealous of you and as hard as it is for you I really think you need to blank her totally - as in not even acknowledge her existence. Don't respond to the crap she spouts - don't even pretend to hear it. Exit a room the moment she enters it. Eventually she will run out of steam and tire herself out.
I support all the other advice you got here, and Im glad you have a supportive mum. I can guarantee you hon that when you attend your "10 year reunion" in years to come, it will be you that has the last laugh

thepeachyone28

Hi emma,

What struck me most about your post is how articulate and mature you sound. What comes across to me, in spite of how the bullying makes you feel, is a certain amount of self assuredness (not cocky! Don't misunderstand me!). You realise how unfair all her comments are. But I think you also realise how untrue they all are. And so unjust. This girl who is bullying you, for all the holidays she has, and parents with amazing jobs,.is obviously craving attention. Attention that perhaps her amazing parents aren't lavishing on her. She has to resort to making other people feel bad, so that she can feel good about herself. Understanding the mind of the bully, goes a long way towards defeating them. How do you react when she calls you names or is nasty? I hope I'm not making little of the situation, it's not my intention, but often the victims reaction is what drives the bully. It might take all the strength and 'fake it till you make it', but next time she says 'hey dike' or whatever other comment she makes, be ridiculously smiley and say 'hey sh*tface, how are ya?!' Head held high, and keep walking, like you don't care. Or if thats too antagonising, just smile, roll your eyes, keep going, head held high, anything to let her see that you don't give a crap what she says. And eventually she may move on to someone else. And the more you react like that to her, the more natural a reaction it will become to you. It's hard to do, I know, but it seems that without adequate support from school staff, this will have to be part of your plan of action at least. It sounds like the school have no control over her actions, but you can control your response to her. Or if not, you need to learn to because your own strength, something that I see coming across in your post, is going to be your greatest ally here. Don't doubt yourself for a minute because of anything she says. Maybe it's because I'm older, but I can empathise with you, in that I can see how hurtful those comments can be at your age, as self belief is something that took longer to come to me than others, but believe me, if you believe you are better than this, her actions will hurt you less and less each day. Bullies are victims deep down, and you need to know that deep down she is only making others feel bad to make herself feel better. How sad is that?!

TheEdgeofGlory

Thank you for all your kind and considerate responses!. Just to give you a brief update! I sat my "inhouse" Christmas Exams, and the majority of the results have been "ok", but I"m defiantly certain that this current situation is hindering me academically,as I am a perfectionist, and I know I could have done a lot better in some areas ( They proved to be more difficult than 1st year tests, but, even so).I felt more at ease over the duration of Christmas, and was able to eat more peculiarly! ( David Bowie"s surprise record release was honestly a tangible delight to me, yesterday!). My parents have ignored my wishes, and contacted the principal to request a meeting tomorrow! I was quite fumed when I found out ( They were planning to conceal it until AFTER it had taken place). I just despise attention and confrontation, and honestly don"t know what actions will follow it. I suppose I shall update you with the results of the meeting! =(


Kind regards for now,

Emma!

fillefatale

I swear I am not advertising for them or anything but I think you'd love http://rookie.com - they have loads on articles on surviving high school and other things relevant to your agegroup! (I'm 24 and I love it) I hope things get better for you, you seem very mature and intelligent, and that is an asset to you!

cathy01

fillefatale wrote: »

I swear I am not advertising for them or anything but I think you'd love http://rookie.com - they have loads on articles on surviving high school and other things relevant to your agegroup! (I'm 24 and I love it) I hope things get better for you, you seem very mature and intelligent, and that is an asset to you!

Wow what a great person.honest .
Don't let the bullies knock you down.
The post above about keeping copies is a great idea.TALK , keep talking tell your teacher .why would you keep quiet about her and protect her.
I don't know where you live but if your in Dublin there is a great group called Forogia BASE it's in BALBRIGGAN .its for siblings of people with autism and ADHD . I understand what it's like for you.if you want the number pm me. Headstrong do similar support .again they have a website have a look at it.
Your school have a duty of care to you.
If she continues advice would be to ignor , never leave yourself open to abuse so don't go somewhere alone with her .
Really te mammy in me wants to pull the head of her but the truth is no good will come from it.keep making friends and join an after school group. Take time for you.stress at school and stress at home isn't good for you .remeber your not alone , take care

Esoteric_

TheEdgeofGlory wrote: »

Thank you for all your kind and considerate responses!. Just to give you a brief update! I sat my "inhouse" Christmas Exams, and the majority of the results have been "ok", but I"m defiantly certain that this current situation is hindering me academically,as I am a perfectionist, and I know I could have done a lot better in some areas ( They proved to be more difficult than 1st year tests, but, even so).I felt more at ease over the duration of Christmas, and was able to eat more peculiarly! ( David Bowie"s surprise record release was honestly a tangible delight to me, yesterday!). My parents have ignored my wishes, and contacted the principal to request a meeting tomorrow! I was quite fumed when I found out ( They were planning to conceal it until AFTER it had taken place). I just despise attention and confrontation, and honestly don"t know what actions will follow it. I suppose I shall update you with the results of the meeting! =(


Kind regards for now,

Emma!

If your grades are suffering, you really do need to do something about this.

I have been bullied for years in school, and I have also had to go to my younger sister's school about her being bullied. Trust me when I say that your parents are doing the right thing in going to the school.

You're clearly an intelligent, mature, articulate, talented girl, but all of these positive characteristics can be beaten down if the bullying continues.

You will not be able to fight it alone. I know it probably feels as though it could get worse if your parents complain to the school, but it can't really get any worse than it is now.

As hard as it is to accept, your parents are giving you the best support possible in talking to the school. IF anything happens after that, and the school don't take it seriously, you have strong grounds to make a complaint to a higher body, such as the Board of Management. I had to ask for advice in the Parenting forum here a few months ago when my sister was being badly bullied, as I was her guardian for a few weeks while our parents were away. They all advised me to go to the school, and continue complaining until something was done. The school fobbed me off at first, but after a few weeks they listened, apologised and looked out for her.

You have nothing to lose by your parents going to the school. Don't be afraid, as hard as it seems now.

iusedtoknow

LyndaMcL wrote: »

If your grades are suffering, you really do need to do something about this.

You have nothing to lose by your parents going to the school. Don't be afraid, as hard as it seems now.

This x1000

I was also mercilessly bullied at school (now 28 and ironically still in contact with all but two of the ******* who are being held in Prison for various crimes, they were bad eggs and will rot). 1st year was pretty damn miserable for me, and my parents got wind of what was going on.
They went to the school and spoke to the principal, who called the year head directly, who came back to the school and spoke with them. He said he'd deal with it, and he did - he also kept me completely out of it. He got the group together and said that a teacher had seen something, and if they didn't stop, he'd make sure they regretted it.

They did, and they were none the wiser it my folks that started it.

Seriously, you may be dreading this, but it may well be the best thing that happens for you. You're parents love you and want the best, your principal wants the best for you as well

remember those two things and also this other thing - everything gets better.

TheEdgeofGlory

I spoke with my principal yesterday, and my year head during the early part of the week!. My principal seems supportive, and asked me how I"m feeling generally!, as I was hospitalized last week ( For personal reasons, but not due to self harm issues, I can assure you). I told her my self confidence has been hindered, and she stated "You"re a strong girl, you are too hard on yourself, you work very hard, and I imagine you can put this behind you" She mentioned that she had met with the perpetrator"s parents and the girl last week that they had denied ALL ACTIONS AFTER THE YEAR HEAD had spoken to her (Mid October). I denied this, and gave her some examples, which she wrote down. She mentioned that I didn"t look very well, and I told her I was very run down! ( Which is true). My year head handed me a letter of "apology" from the girl yesterday, which is somewhat of a farce, and claimed "

---

wants to move beyond it, and I"m sure you do as-well" ( A far cry from her sympathetic approach during the week). My parents weren"t satisfied with the letter, and neither was I!



"Hello Emma,

I know we haven"t talked in a long while, but I"m taking this chance to say I"m sorry. I had a chat with the principal and my parents this week. I had no idea you were upset. I was upset because we were not friends anymore. I think it would be best if we avoid each other from now on. I am not sure what things I said that were offensive or what I did,
so to make sure you don"t take offence, I will just avoid saying anything at all


Bye

----"
I believe her parents told her how to approach it, and there is a complete lack of acknowledgement that what she undertook was wrong. Now, in one instance, I know I can"t do anything, but I can"t help but feel disappointed. My year head told me I need to scout out her out more often, without being concerned about the impacts, if I have any worries. She told my mother that this girl is very "black and white". Anyone care to offer any analogy?. The hospital"s physiologists offered 2 counselling sessions, free of commission, which I think would benefit me greatly. I can"t help but feel a bit "wishy washy" in relation to the situation.


Take care for now,

Emma x

P. Breathnach

Emma, I think that you are mistaken in feeling disappointed. It is very rare for anybody to give an unreserved apology, especially when it is not entirely private (it's not entirely private because both families and some of the school staff are in the situation); it takes a great deal of courage to do so, and most people don't have that much courage.

You have what you really need: an admittedly somewhat grudging admission that she has upset you and, much more important, a written undertaking not to say anything to you. Ignore that fact that she is pretending that she doesn't know what she did to upset you: I am sure that she does know.

Take the positives: they are important; ignore the negatives: they are not.

TheEdgeofGlory

Thought I ought to give a "de-briefing" of current events. I"ve just returned from mid-term, and suffice to say I"ve noticed the stark difference in my behavior ( With relief from school.). My eating, sleeping, and relaxation patterns all received a boost, and one of my friends remarked in class today that I had a certain "glow" about my face. The "bullying" in school is continuing however, both in a open ( verbal) ( You"re so working class, you"re retarded, dirty, stupid, etc) ,and "subtle manner" ( Laughter, dirty glares, whispering, pushing, steering to the other side of the corridor etc. ( My peers sometimes notice the subtle behavior, which on occasions is often more prominent, and visible, and have commented on body language, jeers, inappropriate laughter, and dirty glances, with two peers in particular mentioning that they were discussing how upset I was following school, and the perpetrator walked past with a "friend" and starting smirking and laughing, later stating "I"m glad she is". This totally contradicts the so called "apology" letter obviously. I had a follow up session with the psychologist from the hospital, who recommended more socialization , and offered stress copying techniques. I"m feeling rather bitter sweet about further sessions and the impact they may have, however supportive she may appear to be. ( There"s also a tad sense of embarrassment or stigma). However, she did recommend contacting school authorities again should this behavior continue , and I"m quite wary of my school at present to be entirely honest. Don"t get me wrong, I"m very nerdy, and strive to have very good relationships with teachers, achieve good grades etc, but there isn"t anyone I feel I could confide in, and my year head is next to useless in dealing with any conflict,(My principal isn"t a whole lot better either), with my parents feeling the school possesses weak management, especially in the area of discipline. I also feel apprehensive at the notion of the accusations being denied again or brushed off,especially the subtle aspects. My mum did bring up the topic of changing schools, and both the psychologist and her felt that I should assess how I feel at the end of the academic year. I let them know I don"t want to "run away" from problems, but the psychologist reassured me that she wouldn"t consider it "running away", and by then I will have explored all options. In truth, the school has many flaws, but I don"t want to come across as prissy, so I won"t complain too much, I"m thinking about holding out until the end of 3rd year, as I wouldn"t be moving just because of this, but I would say it would be a big factor. We feel, however there are no consequences for this girl in particular, which may explain her continued behavior, despite past intervention, and previous people. I have also been experiencing cyber-bullying ( By separate people not in the school), which hasn"t aided my self-confidence to a huge degree, to be entirely honest. I"m attempting to remain strong, but it"s truculent trying to juggle everything at times!.

P. Breathnach

Hi again, Emma.

Sorry to hear that things are not fixed yet.

If I judge you correctly, you are like most people, a mix of strong and fragile. One of your strengths is that you are reasonably bright. So use your strength, and this is how I think you should do it:

• First, keep reminding yourself that she is wrong, and you do not have to take on the burden of her stupid behaviour. Just because she acts like a prat does not mean that you have to feel bad about yourself.
• Second, make accurate records of open acts of bad behaviour (date, time, place, words said or action taken). If there are witnesses who you think would have the courage to back up your story, all the better - but you know what people are like in school about reporting things.
• Third, when you have enough recorded (I'd think of about 5 things being enough) get yourself mentally squared up and go to the principal. Tell her that her previous efforts have not worked, and tell her that you are entitled to get through your days in school without having to put up with such behaviour. Don't be weak and feeble, and don't go in ranting and raving. Be assertive. What you are doing is telling the principal that you have rights as a student in the school, and that she has a duty to protect your rights. This is an adult conversation, so use the adult part of your personality. [I hope it does not seem patronising to tell you that I see the adult in you as well as the adolescent.]

The best way to overcome this girl's bad behaviour is to make sure that she fails to damage you.

feargale

Emma, you have got very good advice from others here, but it seems the problem persists. I would suggest a hidden recording device. Expensive, and I don't know if your parents would have the means to acquire it, , but wait. When you have recorded incontrovertible evidence, I would suggest a solicitor's letter to the school principal, reminding the school of its duty to you, accompanied by a request that you be compensated for the expense incurred.

from_atozinc

Emma, you sound like a very intelligent girl, when I was your age, I could not have dreamed of writing like you.

I don't have advice to offer only try and catch her in the act

And just to say, KEEP THE HEAD UP, YOU ARE A WINNER

I admire you greatly.

TheEdgeofGlory

First and foremost, thank you all for the continued support/advice/compliments, I can"t express how valuable it is. My dad met my principal this week, and stressed how the bullying is continuing, and stated "You wouldn"t want to lose an A grade student, would you?", to which she replied "No". She went on to say "Emma is being very oversensitive in regards to the situation", which contradicts her praising of me, really. She"s allegedly "investigating" matters, but empathized that there"s no evidence to support the allegations. Teachers have noticed a "lack" of participation from me in class, to which my dad responded " Of course she would find it difficult with all the sneering, remarks etc". I can"t help but feel rather isolated, and pathetic at this stage, I know I"m looking at this from an "teenager"s perspective".One of my best friend"s has decided to side with the bully, and accuse me of this, that, and the other. To be honest, she"s a very immature girl, and our friendship has always been tedious, as she"s a tad tedious, and prissy. However, I expected better morals from her due to the fact she received bullying last year from this girl. I"m not going to scrutinize my school to a large extent, because if school authorities ever stumble across these posts, I may land myself in trouble, but I did accidentally discover a text that my mother sent to the mother of my former bestfriend in which she stated " There"s no support there. I may move Emma next year, if things don"t improve". I do feel as though some of my school authorities are weak!. I don"t want to run away from a problem, and be labelled as a "trouble maker" by another school, but I don"t wish to sacrifice my Junior Certificate results, or my mental health! ( I am a diligent person, and some may say " Ah, sure, just keep your head down and get on with your studies, but society often dosen"t understand the profound effect bullying can have on a life, even through adulthood!. Suffice to say, I desire to do well in my studies, and possess a good career that can help society!. ( Medicine, however ambitious that may seem to you). I"d also be intrigued to know how deserving basic human respect is regarded as being "over sensitive", and do I seem "weak to you"?.

All the best, Emma x

Esoteric_

You don't seem weak at all, and you certainly don't seem to be thinking in a teenage way about this situation. I'd go so far as to say you're handling it a LOT better than I did when I was being bullied at your age.

My younger sister, who is similar in age to you, was being badly bullied, and I sought advice from the parenting forum, because the school were beyond useless.

What your parents need to do now is to complain to the Board of Management. The school is not helping, so they are the next step. Do not give in to this bullying. You are NOT being overly sensitive.

will.i.am

Hi,
Well to start off with I am a 20 year old guy and got badly bullied in secondary school for the most part of it. I found that the teachers/principal wanted to help when I reported it and they tried there best when I reported it in first year but the bullying got a lot worse to be honest and there was nothing I could do about it or the staff. All my books got pis*ed on at one stage by a guy and I was constantly being bullied by a few people and I just decided that there wasn't much the school could do about it because I decided to view it like a court of law. It was my word against there's and I had no proof of it actually happening.
How I got through my days was by breaking my day down into units of time with no units lasting longer than 45 minutes well basically the length of a class. so I stared every morning knowing I had 8 units of classes and 1 unit of a break and then in the evening I had my leisure time to do what I wanted. I was lucky because I could keep myself amused easily for the most part. I found watching funny films etc helped me a lot. I also used look forward to school holidays/Christmas etc. But these were my more long term goals.
What are your hobbies OP? Do you like films/books/Cooking/baking etc Try and fit some of this into your daily routine after school so you have something to look forward to when you get home.
When you are called names OP the best thing you can do is to walk away and ignore and don't even speak to this girl don't make eye contact with her even. Just ignore her treat her like she doesn't exist.
OP you don't have long left until the long Paddy's day weekend now and the Easter holidays and the evenings are getting brighter as well so if you enjoyed an out door hobby you can look forward to this as well.
You also mentioned self half and OP, this is a very serious issue and every time you are doing this you are letting the bully win. Every time you feel need to do this my advise for you would be to stop and take 50 deep breaths and try to get you nervous together, Then I would advise you to talk to someone you trust or if you didn't want to do that you could even come on here and look for more advice and support of ant of us.
By the way OP try and not to worry about the junior cert to much in a few months time you''ll be laughing at yourself for getting so worked up about it and I am sure that you''ll do an amazing one anyway because You seem to be a very smart girl by the way you write your messages on the thread.
All the best,
Will

kingcobra

To be perfectly honest, I don't have much advice to give you on this matter, although you are taking some fantastic steps in combatting the problem.

However, what struck me most about your post is how incredibly mature and intelligent you are for someone your age, especially about a emotive subject like this. I myself am a 17 year old lad, and so it is extremely rare that I praise someone like this But the majority of people in my year are leagues away from being as mature as you are and I am not joking at all. The way you are going about this is incredible to say the least and if it wasn't for your maturity you could have put yourself in a very very dire situation.

You are clearly quite smart as well and so it is important you maintain your schoolwork as well as trust me, it makes a huge difference when the Leaving Cert comes around and it makes life a lot easier. At the same time, make sure to keep doing your favourite hobbies as well as it'll give your head a chance to relax.

I know I haven't exactly touched on your problem specifically but there isn't really much to add to what the other posters have said. Just keep your head high and keep doing what you're doing. Secondary school can be a tough few years in your life but as you know, you make a lot of friends and you'll have great memories. I'm certainly going to feel sad leaving this year!

marko747

Hey. First of all can I say how sorry I am to hear about the dreadful time you are going through at school.

I'm in third year now but in first year I was bullied by a "best friend" who just turned for no reason. I know how you feel. It feels like a dark tunnel and at times you think that you will never get out. It is upsetting and I know people say ignore it but you can't. It is a soul crushing period and it takes a lot of strength to get through it.

like you I found my year head and principal to be utterly incompent in dealing with it. They refused to accept that I was innocent and my principal told me I was behaving like a girl or a junior infant. She also threatened to take me off the student council. And I was the victim. There only advice was to stay away from each other. In the end I was physically assaulted. It took 2 weeks of meetings with parents to make then suspend him as the school rules said. And they give me a after school detention cause he said he was provoked.
I still dislike my year head and principal for the way they dealt with it.

I did consider moving schools but I stuck with it. The bullying stopped after the assault and I have been happy and working well. But after reading your story my advice to you would be to move schools in September. I can see you are a highly intelligent girl with great abilities to go far in life. You want to be a doctor and I have no Doubt you will make a great one! I think this bully has no intention of stopping making your life a misery. I feel that if it was to continue next year, it would affect your jc grades nd untimely your lc and your dream of a medical career. If I were you I would move schools.

Until the end of the year and if you decide to stay, keep a diary of everything, no matter how small and tell your year head every time. Also keep working hard and don't let her affect your grades or participation in classes. She isn't worth it.
She just needs to grow up. She despite her perfect life has issues but upsetting you is not the way to deal with them. And the same goes for any of the others targeting you through cyber bullying. No doubt they are jealous because of your achievements.

I hope everything works out well for you!
And remember, someday things won't be as bad as they are now.

Best of luck :-) :-)

LegacyUser

Hi Emma

I've read your story with interest and admiration. As others have told you, you are an intelligent and very articulate young lady and you have expressed what you have undergone through bullying so well. Others will take comfort from your abiliy to express the truth of your situation and the hardship it causes to you, the unfairness, the lack of support from school and authorities etc.

As someone who has dealt and continues to deal with bullying (throug my website antibullyingireland.nfshost.com) I am appalled that the girl who has been bullying you may be engaging on the net herself with bullies and victims of bullying.

If you visit my website, you can find my e-mail address and have your parents contact me.
I might be able to engage with the school as an outsider.

In any event keep your head held high. Don't take any nonsense but don't do anything foolish that might be turned around as if you were the bully.

And if, at the end of the day you decide to change schools, this is not running away; it is an intelligent person taking reasonable steps to safeguard health, happiness and education by removing herself from a seriously flawed institution.

Big Bag of Chips

Emma, difficult as it may be for you, you should try no to be too hard on your "tedious" friend. You say she was bullied herself by this girl last year. I think this is causing her now to side with the girl.. because it makes her life so much easier to be "in" with this girl than to be "out" with her.

The Board of Management is your next step.

And the Dept of Education after that.

You can buy a cheap enough dictaphone in Argos. I have one that is an mp3 player and dictaphone in 1. It just looks like an mp3 player, but it has abuilt in mic and a record funstion. So if she sees it in your hand she might not even realise it's a dictaphone. You can record her being nasty to you.

Legally you cannot use it against her, as you have to let her know that you are recording her if you wanted to use in court for example - but if you are just looking for some "evidence" to go to the school with it would be enough. Seems like she comes from an "influential" family, and maybe the school are afraid of upsetting them... but that is not your problem!

It's exhausting to have to live your life always being wary of someone else. I hope your parents can get this sorted.. and soon.

TheEdgeofGlory

Hi all! Thank you for your continued support!. I take much comfort in the notion that there"s warm, and compassionate individuals out there, beyond the artificial substance of the education system, and indeed beyond the barriers of prejudices, and the rottweilers that society has to offer,as pessimistic as that sounds! ( It may be one of my methods of overcoming this though, in turn. Anyway, my principal and year head spoke to me last about two weeks ago. The Year head spoke with me first, and enquired how the situation was. I told her about the ongoing verbal abuse, but also included the subtle acts of behavior, to which she basically replied " You can"t accuse her of this and that". She told me to keep a diary of events, so that I had a more accurate account of events, of which she could intervene?. She did state that I was a "very intelligent" girl however, but there you go, no support in my opinion. My principal followed up later on in the day, which involved a trip to her office. The conversation took on many elements, but I felt I was both firm, and well mannered, yet well able to express my thoughts. She seemed to be more supportive , and I felt able to be open with her. She referenced how good of a student I was, and admired my medicine aspirations. She discussed the options of moving schools, and reassured me that she would be able to facilitate it, and would make all the right phonecalls in order to get me a placement. We discussed the different forms and locations that it occurs, and she stated " I know it must be very unpredictable. She asked if I was uncomfortable when she"s not present etc and I stated "No", and then she replied " Are you uncomfortable in all aspects of school" And I replied " Yes". I mentioned that I have a brother with ADHD and who is on the autistic spectrum, and insisted " I know you can"t state for confidential reasons, but I can notice similar traits".


She replied " I"m not aware of anything". She told me that teachers and SNAs have been keeping a mindful eye out, ( With one being placed in as "many classes as possible" and haven"t detected anything to accuse her of anything, but added that she knows how sly bullies can be. She intriguingly said that "Sophie" let"s call her is more likely to be "picked on" because she annoys other peers by dominating the classroom, being vocal, sneering, and "over looking" at people, to which I agreed with.I also brought up the fact that I was unsatisfied with the so called apology letter, which I told her was insincere, and a farce. She ticked me off slightly, because she told me that her parents were the "pro- active type", and would be concerned if their daughter was mistreating others ( Didn"t feel the urge to argue with her, to be honest, however tempted I was!). I know she has to be seen to be "diplomatic".

She offered the analogy that she may be highly spiteful and jealous of me, and said warmly " You"re very strong, and an intelligent girl, Emma". She asked if I had any suggestions of how to deal with the situation and I replied " No, but it all really depends on how I interpret and react to the situation, to which she replied " Yes, I agree". I ,mentioned I need to improve my self confidence, and she felt that counselling would be a possible good option, as you get the opportunity to talk in a "unguarded fashion". She took several notes, which she kept within a close distance of myself, and asked me to keep a diary. I challenged her on her " Oversensitive" comment slightly, and she explained that because of the "Incidents" last year ( Which have continued obviously), she felt that I may be overly wary. I replied "I don"t think I am, to be honest", and she understood that there"s a difference between feeling you"re a target etc. She stated that my dad seemed very worried about me. She told me that she knows I have good friends, and great relationships with teachers etc, and to let her "sort" it out before considering moving. I did tell her that I felt it was "running away" from the problem, to which she replied "There"s arguments for and against it". She asked about my academic situation and had it been affected. I told her " Yes, in some aspects". She seemed surprised and remarked "That"s not like you".She told me to pop in to update her on the situation, and hoped I felt comfortable in doing so, and mentioned that she "d be calling my dad.

She did, later, and she told my dad that I was a very articulate, intelligent and mature young lady, who seems ashamed at my "wonderful" ambitions to study medicine. ( He mentioned that it was in the family apparently). Anyway, she said that the behavior was uncalled, and assured him she"d do something about it. The majority of school personal seem to think I"m "pissed" off in general with the school, according to her perspective, and remarked that I was able to give amazing insight into the situation. She said it"d be a shame to see me leave the school, but would support me in doing so. She said that I could approach her at any time, informally even. Nothing to my knowledge, has been done so far, and I really do feel as though the school possesses terribly weak management. I"ve discussed the option of moving schools with my parents, and to my surprise they"ve offered me the option of going to a private school for the Senior Cycle, as they can"t afford fess right now. It"s not a snobbery factor, trust me, they don"t believe I"ll reach my full potential academically or emotionally, and believe that it would be a more nurturing environment, in which I"ll be supported in ALL ASPECTS, and stricter discipline will be imposed! ( There"s also the benefit of more facilities and extra curricular).


So, for the meantime, it looks like I"m going to have to "brave the elements", folks, if my school authorities won"t/can"t support me!. I appreciate your time as ever! x

DonkeyStyle \o/

P. Breathnach wrote: »

some targets of bullying come through it with little or no harm done. This is often because they think about what is happening, and realise that it is the bully who is the messed-up person, and not the target.

This, really.
People who're happy and secure in themselves don't need to belittle other people, end of story.
The most cool, confident and well-rounded people I've ever known would prefer to build people up, rather than knock them down.
Ignore the words that are said, and instead try to hear the thought that spawned them. Don't take them at face value. See through them. It's just a manifestation of the other person's insecurity. And for what ever reason they've chosen you as a target for their little ongoing tantrum.
It's a shame that it takes us so long in life to realise how truly pathetic people like this actually are. Also a shame that we have to spend so much time in their company before we do.

Queen-Mise

OK missus - I am going to take some of these comments apart that will hopefully help explain some of the motivations going on.

On myself first - I went through four years of bullying in secondary school. It was utter fcuking hell. It continued until 5th year and was perpetrated by 75% of the student body of 1st - 5th Year. My psyche is definitely scarred - no doubt about it.

I was also in an abusive relationship for a while, which has a lot of similar tendencies. And had one instance of bullying in a workplace also.

TheEdgeofGlory wrote: »

She told me to keep a diary of events, so that I had a more accurate account of events, of which she could intervene?.
This is one of the best bits of advice you can get in life. Definitely keep one. It doesn't need to be detailed: date, time, roughly what happened. You will be surprised how often keeping a diary is handy. You might need it for next door neighbours, college incidences, work, bullying in school:D
It basically means, when you are talking to an 'authority' figure, you can say categorically, X happened then, Y happened then, X happened then & then, etc. Such a powerful tool to have. Really useful to have for cops, principals, bosses etc.

She did state that I was a "very intelligent" girl however, but there you go, no support in my opinion.
Your opinion, is YOUR opinion though. It doesn't necessarily mean it is the truth. A friend of mine has a saying: Opinions are like *ssholes, everyone has one:rolleyes: I am not doubting that you are being bullied, but the principal has to look for both sides. Keeping the aforementioned diary will give a lot more credence to your opinion though.


I also brought up the fact that I was unsatisfied with the so called apology letter, which I told her was insincere, and a farce. She ticked me off slightly, because she told me that her parents were the "pro- active type", and would be concerned if their daughter was mistreating others.
This is a strange one to comment on. The other girl is obviously not going to give you a sincere apology letter because she wasn't giving you a sincere apology:) She was told to do it or else, so she did it. If anything, it probably made her resent you even more. So now she is being more careful in her bullying (as you said) and feels even more justified in making your life hell as you got her in trouble.
At no point, does it ever go into her head, that she created it, in the first place. At the moment you are the bad guy:eek:


She offered the analogy that she may be highly spiteful and jealous of me, and said warmly " You"re very strong, and an intelligent girl, Emma".
Personally, I always think these comments are bullsh*t, they have been said to me many, many times. And at best it is cold comfort. Never helped. Bullies see weaknesses and prey on them.

She asked if I had any suggestions of how to deal with the situation and I replied " No, but it all really depends on how I interpret and react to the situation, to which she replied " Yes, I agree".
Now this one I utterly disagree with. It doesn't matter how strong a person is. If someone is told everyday over and over again, that they are an idiot, it WILL eventually go into the psyche and be believed. Staying in this school with that girl, if her behaviour is not stopped will affect you psychologically no matter... how you 'interpret and react to the situation'.

I ,mentioned I need to improve my self confidence, and she felt that counselling would be a possible good option, as you get the opportunity to talk in a "unguarded fashion".
It shouldn't hinder anyway. A slight aside, in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) there is a saying: Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing every day and expecting different results.
I hope you are getting the point I am making. Counselling will help you get to know who you are, help you deal with other people.... But if you are getting verbally and emotionally abused everyday, then is only so much counselling can do.

She took several notes, which she kept within a close distance of myself, and asked me to keep a diary. I challenged her on her " Oversensitive" comment slightly, and she explained that because of the "Incidents" last year ( Which have continued obviously), she felt that I may be overly wary. I replied "I don"t think I am, to be honest", and she understood that there"s a difference between feeling you"re a target etc.
She does have a point here. Again keeping a diary will prove your case that it is not over-sensitivity and is actually a problem.
My husband had a saying (sorry for all of these): You find what you are looking for. So if you are looking for the bad in people you will find it, if you are looking for good you will find it.
I think that is what she is getting at here. You may be looking for it, thereby, being over-sensitive.

I did tell her that I felt it was "running away" from the problem, to which she replied
Retreat sometimes is the better part of valour. If you are in an un-winnable situation, then get out. Keep the diary, it will be a tool the principal can use to fight your corner. Give her a chance to sort it out. If she doesn't, then change schools in September.
If you look at the Work Problems forum, similar advice would be given. It is not running, it is removing yourself from a toxic situation.

who seems ashamed at my "wonderful" ambitions to study medicine. ( He mentioned that it was in the family apparently).
Ashamed is a strong word to use. If you could unravel that now, it will save you no end of hardship and doubt in the future. I am intrigued by that one:D I would put that No. 1 on your list of things to tease out with your counsellor. This is about your schooling, college, life; not anyone else's.
And No. 2 is too talk about bullying in general and the effects it has - you have had it in primary and secondary school. So try and get an understanding of how it affects a person and then see can you recognise them in yourself. And how to deal with them then, if you see any of the effects.

Anyway, she said that the behavior was uncalled, and assured him she"d do something about it. The majority of school personal seem to think I"m "pissed" off in general with the school,
'pissed' off - are they in the slightest bit surprised.:rolleyes:

Nothing to my knowledge, has been done so far, and I really do feel as though the school possesses terribly weak management.
The thing is, you won't know what the school is doing. When you have a lot of eyes watching something, it will get back.

I"ve discussed the option of moving schools with my parents, and to my surprise they"ve offered me the option of going to a private school for the Senior Cycle, as they can"t afford fess right now. It"s not a snobbery factor, trust me, they don"t believe I"ll reach my full potential academically or emotionally, and believe that it would be a more nurturing environment, in which I"ll be supported in ALL ASPECTS, and stricter discipline will be imposed! ( There"s also the benefit of more facilities and extra curricular).
Think about this one carefully. They are bullies everywhere (unfortunately). I know absolutely nothing about private schools though.


So, for the meantime, it looks like I"m going to have to "brave the elements", folks, if my school authorities won"t/can"t support me!. I appreciate your time as ever! x

LegacyUser

You sound like a very mature person for your age. The bully can see that you are better than her in so many ways. She has decided that she can knock your confidence by saying these things about you. You may think this girl has lots of friends but in reality they are friends with her as they don't want to be getting the abuse your getting.
A girl like this one will have something she does not want the world to know about. I would find out her parents names and ask the adults you know - ie parents, grandparents, aunts uncles ect do you know such a person. I am sure someone will give you some dirt on her or her family. The next time she make a smart comment you can give a reply like how is your mother doing in AA ect. She will leave you alone then.

I met some of the people I went to school with over the past few years. I saw many so called bright, popular girls barely get pass leaving certs/ending up in poor jobs/ getting pregnant young or marrying men that no parents would want you to go near.
I know other girls who were like you and wanted to follow a particular career. They worked hard in school and in college to get where they wanted.

You have mentioned that you are thinking of changing schools and that your parents are not in a position to pay for a private school for you at the moment. Are there any other good schools in your area if you were to change schools?
Would you and your parents consider a boarding school or a private day school as some give scholarships to bright students. I am sure if you used google you could find out more information on these.
As one of my friends always maintains - what goes around comes around.
Good Luck and let us know on boards how you are getting on.

TheEdgeofGlory

Hi All! Thank you for your tireless support! I"m going to address some of the responses directly!

Queen-Mise - Your response has been probably one of the most sane reactions to this current situation. You seem to have a very insightful analogy, having trudged through similar experiences. I have no doubt in my mind that you are a very compassionate woman,(among other things) ,and I can"t express how much that warmth means to me, virtual or not!. I do agree that "The Diary" could prove vital to my case at the end of the day. As regards to my Principal"s comments, yes, some of them are unhelpful, but I can see where you"re coming from when you see she has to see "both sides" of the story. I honestly believe I"m in no way acting "over sensitive" as this girl is what I refer to as a "serial bully" and has seen little repercussions for her actions, present or past.

I"m well aware of the "psychological" effect this is all having on me, and admittedly feel rather perplexed, bemused, and ashamed for some reason or another. Ashamed, perhaps, because I"m the type of person who relishes nothing more than to work hard, and "get on with life", as opposed to dwelling or feeling sorry for myself. Believe me, I"ve encountered my fair share of difficult people and situations, and I know I will throughout the many cycles and stages of life, and that there are bullies and cowards in every legion of society. I am a rather secretive, and meek, being a rather quiet person ( Depends on the person or situation),in relation to certain areas of my life, but not entirely with emotions, but it depends on the person. I don"t like being perceived as " a trouble maker" or "depressed" etc, is what I"m trying to put across.


I do agree that it will continue to hinder my whole being, if the relentless torment continues, but I have no real hunch as to WHEN to move, and am 50/50 as to IF to move, but love the idea of a private school! Certainly, an incredible chunk of my motivation has been leeched out of me, but I am adamant I want to achieve bold and great things, not being narcissistic! I WANT TO LIVE, and experience the roughs and turbulence that life has to offer.

"Ashamed is a strong word to use. If you could unravel that now, it will save you no end of hardship and doubt in the future. I am intrigued by that one I would put that No. 1 on your list of things to tease out with your counsellor. This is about your schooling, college, life; not anyone else's.
And No. 2 is too talk about bullying in general and the effects it has - you have had it in primary and secondary school. So try and get an understanding of how it affects a person and then see can you recognise them in yourself. And how to deal with them then, if you see any of the effects. I view this as very important personally! I"m intrigued by psychology, myself, and believe trying to understand and empathize with others actions is the key to overcoming difficulties, in some cases. I"m still rather puzzled at some of her remarks, to be honest though. I know, deep down that I have to take responsibility for my education, welfare, and mental health, because at the end of the day apart from your family, and in rare cases good friends, who else will?

On the subject of counselling, my doctor rang my dad about 2 weeks ago ( Prior to the Easter Holidays), as he had cancelled my appointment. She informed him that she was "very unimpressed" with how the school were handling the situation, and didn"t believe they were "providing adequate support for me!", and that they seem to desire "hard core evidence". ( I"m sure I"ve stated previously,that she has expressed this before). She furthermore went on to state that she would be "contacting the school", to express her opinion/concerns. As you can imagine, I feel rather uneasy about a conflict between the two parties, but my parents believe it will be beneficial. I hold a rather pessimistic view about this, and hardly think a doctor is going to provide a "wake up call" if they aren"t doing enough currently. It will be interesting to observe, however.


"'pissed' off - are they in the slightest bit surprised" Fully agree with you on that one.

"The thing is, you won't know what the school is doing. When you have a lot of eyes watching something, it will get back. To some measure, I agree that things aren"t as translucent as they seem, but, trust me, my particular school authorities are rather slack and relaxed in a few areas, including certain cases of discipline. Perhaps I"m basing my opinion, on the past, but I"ve talked to fellow peers in other years, including my cousin in sixth year, and she agrees fully with me. There"s no concrete evidence of them taking much action, although I"ve becoming remotely obsessed with the topic of "Bullying" etc, in the past few months, and it seems many schools, work places, and communities brush it off lightly. However, I know that there amazing organizations, and charities out there trying to fight this enormous battle!.


"This is a strange one to comment on. The other girl is obviously not going to give you a sincere apology letter because she wasn't giving you a sincere apology She was told to do it or else, so she did it. If anything, it probably made her resent you even more. So now she is being more careful in her bullying (as you said) and feels even more justified in making your life hell as you got her in trouble.
At no point, does it ever go into her head, that she created it, in the first place. At the moment you are the bad guy"
I didn"t expect things to improve honestly, I could foreshadow events just from the context of her language!. It did get progressively worse though I"ve noticed, what with my best friend turning against me?. She does have a "hold over me", I agree, a resentful, bitter one at that?. Some have said it"s always been that way!

Thanks Queen-Mise, again! x

fab ladyThank you for your kind comments!. I have talked to a lot of peers about this girl and the majority of them seem to have a certain disdain or dislike towards her. ( Apart from her the troublesome and obnoxious ones she regards as "friends". Funnily enough, a lot seem to know of her bullying ways. She defiantly has "some sort of dirt " on her, but I don"t believe I would be in the position to retaliate and act just as bad as herself. Believe me, I have a many the odd joke about her with a few friends and my cousin in sixth year!. I firmly believe though, that she has some connection with the school ( i.e through family), or her parents"s supposed "wealth" and "Upper class position in society" is somewhat impeding/influencing or intimidating the school.


"I met some of the people I went to school with over the past few years. I saw many so called bright, popular girls barely get pass leaving certs/ending up in poor jobs/ getting pregnant young or marrying men that no parents would want you to go near.
I know other girls who were like you and wanted to follow a particular career. They worked hard in school and in college to get where they wanted" Thanks for providing me with a glimpse of hope. It makes me believe if I can just continue working hard, and attempt to ignore this vile negativity, then there will be light at the end of the tunnel!.



"You have mentioned that you are thinking of changing schools and that your parents are not in a position to pay for a private school for you at the moment. Are there any other good schools in your area if you were to change schools?
Would you and your parents consider a boarding school or a private day school as some give scholarships to bright students. I am sure if you used google you could find out more information on these.
As one of my friends always maintains - what goes around comes around"

I have discussed mainly private schools with my parents ( All girls and mixed interestingly), and have my heart set on one or two of them at the moment. As I"ve said before, I believe moving POST 3rd year might be less disruptive, but I am not quite certain at the moment. I might look into scholarships, as I"ve been told I"m very academic by a lot of different people and sources,and I am very musical etc, but don"t know if I would fit criteria?. There"s only about 6 or 7 weeks left of school term left, so I"m doubtful at moving for third year. My mum believes I"ll be "so focused" on my Junior Cert next year, that I might be able to ignore it all. I"m just feeling rather isolated currently, and that"s probably the most difficult aspect of it all.

justin m, I really appreciate your compliments, and admiration, and I myself admire your desire to tackle such a complex issue. I must take a look, and would it be ok to contact you at a future date, if needs be? Thank you for your reassurance about "running away from the problem", and your ability to empathize about the lack of fairness, action from school authorities etc. One of the most grueling aspects indeed, for me is the lack of support and empathy from others, ( Be it school authorities, peers, supposed "friends", even). I"ve researched countless articles, videos, and features, on the topic of Bullying in the last few months, and I fully believe injustice is too common in every aspect of society. ( I"m also quite obsessed with equality etc). In all, the human race, longs for acceptance, and basic decent respect, ( A strong element of adolescence in my personal opinion), and sometimes we have to come to the rational realization that some just aren"t capable of it. Society needs to be taught compassion and empathy, from an early age though. ( I believe my bully"s parents play a part in their daughter"s behavior, or fail to address it, more likely.)

" I am appalled that the girl who has been bullying you may be engaging on the net herself with bullies and victims of bullying" Indeed, I find the "Anti-Bullying and Teenage Suicide" Facebook page most disturbing , and a farce, if I"m completely honest. I would love to show you all how completely absurd and insensitive it all is, but can"t publicize it for obvious reasons. I can"t believe how ruthless the bully is. I"ve heard of countless stories regarding teenage suicide, and suicide in general, and the pain and trail of destruction it leaves behind. I"m completely baffled at how society can push people to such extremes ( I"m not attempting to generalize suicide, only trying to express my deep frustration). My CSPE teacher was "delighted" at the website (Which was a shame, as he"s quite vocal,I"m fond of him ( He"s an English teacher ( We are quite fond of each other in that respect,)and normally sees through bull****) He even posted a link to the school website, praising it, and asking for "support". I reluctantly had to clap my admiration with the rest of the class, as I wasn"t going to let it get the better of me.

School returns tomorrow, so we shall see how things pan out!

Thanks to all! x

JoePdw

So i've read this. it's a lot here. em. i don't know where to start even.
ok, em i was bullied in school too.
I have some differences, i am a foregn student. won't tell where from, it doesn't matter. And i went to school in dublin and was bullied. From day one to the last day. It is school. In school people bully each other. And teachers don't care about students, they just there for money.
You are trying to make it look as if you are an a student you are suppose to be treated well. The truth is, nobody cares. Number one thing in school is to deal with bullying. Its the most important and the most annoying. It's like me going to immigration 3 months past expiry of my visa. And i tell them i am late because i was styding medicine, and everybody needs doctors. And they will look at me and say, 'we don't give a **** what you study. you are late' and they make you write letter and pull you through ****. Nobody gives a **** what you study. Prioritise your priorities.
When you go to university to study medicine you will realise that people that study medicine went to university schools. There are many. What people do they go to university school in 6th year, the leaving cert year. There everyone goes to university. Unfortunately if you want to go to good university you need to go to good school. It's that simple. it's unfair, but that is the way it is.
People that want to study medicine and doctors they have that nice morality, how things must be fair. Probably because of their parents. Doctor parents make doctor children. It is common. The same with other professions. You have that good morality how things must be. People are not like you. There is all sorts of people out there. It's a mixed bag. School is a mixed bag of people. You may isolate yourself and say, it's all has to be fair. But real life is like this, strong eat the weak. Since world war two america started over 40 wars.
Never the less, just because you are an a student, won't make you immune to bullying. Because these things are not connected. If you don't deal with bullying you can't study well. And bullying is number one thing you have to deal with in school, not education. Education is second.
The best you can do is to ask you dad to talk to number one bully in your school. And better yet change schools. People do not change. And bullies do not change. You can intimidate them and scare them. But they will keep on bullying others.
What goes to medicine, medicine is not about people being healthy. Medicine does not deal with health. Medicine deals with diseases. If your health is going down doctors won't do anything. They will just say, its stress. It's only when you have a disease doctors start looking at you. Modern medicine is reactive medicine. What goes to pharmacist they do not need healthy people. They need half sick people for them to keep buying their ****, otherwise they won't have a job. Doctors also there for money. it costs only 50 euro just to see the face of a doctor. Modern medicine is an industry to make money. This is the problem with it. It does not deal with health. And they call themselves health professionals.

Big Bag of Chips

JoePdw, you have been banned for 1 week. You were given 2 separate warning on this thread last week to familiarise yourself with the Personal Issues Charter before posting.

Some of the rules of posting here are -

-Reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner
-Generic sweeping statements are not helpful to an OP and posters will be pulled up on it

I suggest you now read The Charter again and make sure you know the rules before posting again.

The EdgeOfGlory - I think you have gotten all the advice from this thread that you are going to get. It would seem now the situation is being looked after by you, your school, your parents and your doctor. I will lock the thread for now. If you need it reopened at a later time to ask more advice, contact one of the PI Mods. But Personal Issues is an advice forum, and not meant for general discussion.

Your thread is running the risk of turning into a blog, and that is not what Personal Issues is here for.

I wish you all the best in your future studies, and hope this gets sorted for you, one way or another.

Take care.

EDIT: Reopened as per request from OP.

HIthere...

This set person who is bullying you may have been bullied in primary school and is therefore taking there anger out from all them years on you! You haven't stated whether or not you replied to these sny remarks to your face...did you think of a comeback or just sit there in complete scilence and let her over power you? You do have to stand up and give it back to her, now i know she will go off telling other people that you are bullying her but this is called self defence and may reboost your confidence! (please for give spelling mistakes as i am only 14 too and know hat your dealing with) although I have not been bullied lots throughout my past but i have been threatend but a few girls on my road and think of this by her mam...how stupid just because i made new friends and we didn't talk anymore. I was always the one who was making the first move to mae her come out and have fun and go to the shop with me but she never aproched me first! I have had friends in the past who have been bullied, one because she was small and the other severly bullied because of her weight and i know how it can effect you in like as this set friend went into depresion and was a very hard time for her! She is back on her feet now and doesn't give a flying **** about what anyone says about her.This proves that things do get better Emma stay strong and keep fighting, it will all be okay one day.

TheEdgeofGlory

Hi all! Wanted to give you a much needed update, after a prolonged absence. My parents met with my principal and Vice-Principal around the last week of April. My dad so happened to encounter my "Boards.ie" post PRIOR to the meeting, and without my knowledge brought it in as "evidence". Both my Principal and Vice-Principal were astounded at both the severity and nature of this girl"s behavior, and appeared to be very sympathetic, initially .
I received many compliments in regards to my academic and social qualities, and my parents were ensured that action would be taken. They also claimed they would sort the my difficult "friend" out. I was made aware later that day by the Vice-Principal ( Hauled into her office after lunch), that I had her full support, and that action would be taken, but also reminded me how admirable, intelligent etc I was(She was impressed by my language skills!) She recommended going back to the school"s gaelic team ( I shall get to that later on), but also referred me to the school"s guidance counselor immediately. So, from the context of the last paragraph, you would assume that the school is now taking a "pro-active" approach. I beg to differ.


I met with with the guidance counselor the following day, and found her to be very approachable and generally supportive.She referred to the "horrendous" things that she had seen from my posts. She also offered "coping/assertive strategies", which I endeavored to attempt. My Vice-Principal was surprisingly matriarchal during that particular week,(As she is normally matron-like in some aspects), and enquired several times " How was your day" " Difficult day, eh?" ( Judging by my facial expression, I can only assume), and most hauntingly looking back " You hang in there, won"t you"?. The perpetrator"s parents were brought in that following Monday, and I did not discover the results of this meeting until the next day few days, when my dad was called in. I had about two more sessions with the guidance counselor between this period, and was eager to know any results. I had heard speculation from classmates about the outcome, as a number of peers were called out as part of the "investigation" ( I shall explain later) that she had got off "scot-free", I was a "liar" and that there was more evidence of her bullying her and my former friend than there was of her displaying any unpleasant behavior towards me. I voiced this apprehension to my parents, who told me not to base my fears on "gossip"


My hunch was completely accurate, when my dad met them for a follow up. Without conjugating a novel, both authority figures insisted that they had investigated it thoroughly, which consisted of Interviewing 8 "pupils" ( Some friends of mine, some friends of hers, and some were not in the previous two categories ( None were willing to back me up) ( Trust me, people have witnessed things), observations by teachers, and SNAS being placed in classrooms. They went onto claim that they have no evidence to accuse this girl of committing anything, and that any disciplinary action would be over-looked on appeal, and it would be "unjust" in their eyes. They referred to the fact that my "Diary" ( I had given them a physical hardback diary aswell) had many short-comings( Not enough detail), and that it didn"t help much in their investigated. They advocated that my "low self-esteem" is to blame for this ( Apparently quitting sports teams leads you to aquire " Psychological problems" now, and that they would offer to ensure I receive continuous counselling, and that I wouldn"t be placed in the same class as her, in the next academic year. Of course, her parents rebuffed the whole situation as did she, and insisted that she had obeyed their commands to "keep away" from me". They finally went onto say that they considered the case to be a closed matter, and that this particular girl is not capable of being subtle, and that when I enter a room, according to teachers, she curls up physically to avoid any contact.

The meeting concluded with the authorities stating " We cannot provide any more supportive", and my dad replying that my position within the school could not be foreseen. They replied " We"ll be sorry to lose her", and my dad abruptly left, without a handshake. Of course she is capable of being subtle. This girl is one of the most manipulative creatures I have ever come across ( I could say worse, but the threat of certain figures seeing this looms over me now, is more prevalent), having mistreated/and continuing to abuse a myriad of people. The majority of the more recent bullying occurrences have been subtle without "witnesses", I will admit, but I"m telling you, there are witnesses who are un-willing to stand their ground. Essentially, I have a very thin line of support, and many have branded me a "liar" and over-sensitive".


My parents were absolutely shocked at this response, as was I, to some extent. For the school to do a complete U-turn, was completely un-foreseen, and represents the complete and utter un-just nature of it all. So much as this disgust that my parents decided to remove me from the school, and started researching right away. As you can imagine, placements for 3rd year are often far and between, but a particular private school caught their eye, which to my sheer luck has placements. This is a highly academically-rigorous school, which is located on a newly built state of the art campus. (<Mod Snip: It is against the Forum rules to request posters contact you via PM>) It really is a fabulous and stimulating environment. Which has a very good reputation in many aspects, but especially pastoral care. I met the Principal and Vice-Principal last week, and was astounded at their intuition, warmth, and determination. My parents were very impressed with the principal also, and feel as though I will be cared for with the utmost respect, and challenged. A certain stark contrast to what I"m used to, facility wise too! ( I"m talking private hospital/modern 3rd level campus material here!) The principal was given my academic records, and my "certificate of academic achievement award" and seemed considerably impressed. There were a few subject dilemmas, but I was assured this would be a minor issue. I had a lot to take into consideration, and my parents felt as though I should change environments. We accepted the place once offered, and the deposit for my fees was dropped into today, confirming my place.

To be entirely honest, I was very apprehensive, and still am quite apprehensive about moving. I would hate to be perceived as "weak", and a "trouble maker", and ponder as to whether certain people have won in this situation. I fully believe that I urgently need to put this past year behind me, in order to achieve certain things, and move on with my life. Life is too short for being miserable, after all. It certainly has made me put things into prospective, challenges should not define who or what you are. They ultimately make you stronger, and I aspire to take everything I can from this horrific experience. I do feel a sense of neglect from my school. From my perspective, I will NEVER receive an apology or natural justice, and they will never believe me. Without my parent"s belief of me, and support, I could not have survived this past year. My dad decided to fight my corner following the meeting, and sent a letter also asking for a copy of their "Anti-bullying Policy".

A package arrived earlier in the week containing a letter, a "report" into the case, and a copy of the policy. Naturally they defended all of their actions, insisted nothing "untoward" was taking place, I am over-sensitized to behavior that is not meant for me, there is no witnesses, referred to the fact that the mother of my former friend had complained that I had been exhibiting "bullying behavior" and that this girl felt that no "bullying" was taking place. How dare she, is all I would say. She is completely spineless, is all I can say. The bully has told half of my year I"m a liar, and when a peer confronted her last week about her behavior towards me, she denied it of course, and stormed out of the year. I"m determined to make public ( In the school environment) the manner of these two girls, and already have done on a small scale. I had a follow up two days after the shocking verdict with the guidance counselor and let off a tumultuous amount of steam,and anger. I told her I had no interest in having any more sessions, as there was no logical point, if the school was not going to accept that there is a problem. I shook her hand, out of courtesy, and finished the sessions. I shall need to return later this week as a situation has arisen in which my mum has received yet another vile text from that mother who reported me, claiming I am "harassing" and bullying her daughter on Facebook and other social media sites, and that I will be reported if she did not respond immediately. My parents did not give this woman ammunition, which she obviously craves, and told me to go to the guidance counselor, as this woman has been stalking me for a number of weeks after school, and making rude gestures ( Middle finger etc). I think that it is utterly appalling for an adult to behave in such a way.


There is absolutely no substance in these allegations. Firstly, this woman is dangerous, and was one of detrimental factors to the belittling and demolishing of the truth of my case. ( ie portraying me to be "nasty", defending the bully even though she had made her daughter"s life a misery etc. 2ndly, she acts like a dog with a bone, and is a very bitter and obviously troubled lady ( Not my place to state publicly). 3rdly, her daughter ditched me, sided with the bully and made remarks and comments about me. And finally, her daughter doesn"t possesses any form of social media, so it doesn"t quite add up. I truly believe the bully is stirring up something to get back at me. Where else would she get her sources from? Could she be referring to the "Boards.ie" posts?. I think you will all agree that I wrote these in a very professional manner. My new best friend has also decided to ditch me in the last week or so. To be honest, she was never entirely great for my self-esteem, and many thought she was bitchy,un-pleasant and two-sided etc. I guess my school authorities were right about one thing, if they"re reading this. ( They had previously warned my parents that this girl was a bad influence, whatever that means.). It"s just another blow, I guess. I have been betrayed , neglected, and let down by numerous people this past year, and my current school is just a completely flawed and toxic environment. Ultimately, I don"t think I will regret moving on, in the long-run. I hope I can now aspire to reach my full potential, and make new friends. I received some external counselling from a "Anti-Bullying Centre" from a well-known University about a week ago, and I am delighted to state that the particular Counselor boasted my moral highly, and provided much needed support and guidance. ( She actually believed me, and complimented me highly)

If the mods decide to close down the thread, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a listening ear, since December. Your support has been so unbelievably beneficial and refreshing. I have this underlining feeling that the bully"s behavior will never be challenged, certainly not by that school. She will rip through many"s self-esteem, and perhaps embark on a path of self-destructive. If she wants to continue with this manner, let her... If the school wants to operate a completely unjust and flawed institution.. So be it. I am beyond the point of vigilance.

All the best,

Emma x

Taltos

Hi OP - since your parents are now fully informed and are dealing with the school we are closing this thread as resolved.

Per the PM my colleague sent you we might suggest though that as you have found this helpful you consider using a blog or some other secure mechanism for capturing your thoughts, however as blogs are beyond boards remit we cannot help here any further.

All the best and well done for being so open with your parents about what has been going on
Taltos