Power

My other thread got me thinking about this, dose having children change the powder structurer in a relationship, should power ever be a consideration in a relationship? is it important to alway stay working and maintain an independent income even in the most blissful happy marriage? because even if you have a very happy equal relationship the mere fact of not having an independent income in some mysterious way changes the dynamics of a relationship.

username123

I suppose it depends on the people. My mother felt trapped her entire adult life from the time she gave up work to get married (back when married women didnt work). After she had had children and been a housewife for a number of years her confidence was gone and she was bullied by my father who didnt want her to have any kind of life of her own outside the home.

So I saw that and learned to have independence. I dont actually want children but if I did I would still have the ability to work, a professional skill set.

Neyite

I think it can, but it really depends on the people in the relationship.

Maternity benefit is set at a maximum of €262 for 26 weeks from the social welfare, and nothing for a further 16 weeks after that. Lots of companies in the good years topped this up so that your take home pay didn't change, in fact, in some cases you were even better off because the maternity benefit was not taxable.

But, with the recession, many companies have taken this top-up away, and only provide statutory leave. If that is the case, your income drops so unless you have savings or take out a loan, you do have to lean on the other wage in the household.

I have finished with the 26 weeks maternity, and am now taking unpaid leave of 16 weeks so I have no income, save child benefit (which, by the time you factor in a few bits and pieces a baby needs, is long gone) I do have to ask my partner for money when I need it. His response is to hand me his bank card for whatever I need. I usually tell him as a courtesy what I spent or withdrew from the atm, but he would never ask me how much I spent, nor would he ask what I bought with the money. He has never turned down my request or quizzed me whether I really need X Y or Z.

Me being dependent on him financially could easily turn into a power shift, if he were that type of man, but having said that, if he was that type of man I a) would not be with him, and b) would have ensured that I had savings put by so I wouldn't have to ask him for a penny. From the time we moved in together we have always pooled whatever income we had. If I had the cash for something, I got it, if he just got paid then he would. He knows my PIN, I know his. It works for us.

I imagine plenty of people would not be comfortable handing over their bank card like that to a partner, and I can imagine that some men might think that what their partner might need is frivolous or unnecessary. I imagine some men may like to be able to wield power over their partner in that way, but I hope that it is the exception rather than the rule

eviltwin

Agree it all depends on the couple and the dynamics of their relationship.

I've been unemployed and dependant on my husband and vice versa. I can't speak for him but I never felt that he had more power because he was earning. I never really looked at it like that. During periods of unemployment, no matter which one of us it was, we both felt that we were in it together. Everything coming into the house goes into the same pot.

He earns a lot more than me today, I don't want to work full time anymore now I have two kids and other things going on. I don't feel powerless or vulnerable. I might not be out working as much as him but he knows I am pulling my weight in the home so there has never been any issue re money.