A transgender girl's letter to her pre-transition self...

Links234

I read this and teared up. I think it's a very powerful article, and I just had to share it... It just hit too hard not to. it can be so very difficult to relate to people what it's like to be transgender, and that however hard life can be, how hard others can make life for us, the hate we often face, the internal struggle can be just as painful.

http://www.gayrva.com/lifestyle/dear-nick-im-sorry-i-miss-you-a-letter-to-my-former-self-post-transition/

“Dear Nick, I’m sorry. I miss you…” A Letter to My Former Self Post-Transition



Dear Nick,
I’m sorry. I miss you. I still think about you every day. I think about who you could have been, who you could have loved had I not forced my way in.
I know you were really excited about what the future held, and I know you were excited on going on that grand adventure that we’ve both been wanting for so long.
Am I that grand adventure? Was it worth it? I have no idea honestly hun. I know you thought that if you just left and let me take over that I could make us both happy,
its hard out here nick, I had no idea what you had gone through to be who you were. I thought that I could just take your knowledge and experience and I’d be fine.
I was wrong dude. I was so wrong. and I fought so hard to get out and I pained you so much and I’m so sorry. you were so strong and I’m so glad you get to rest now, but I’m having
a hard time out here. I just hope I’m as strong as you are. I know you’re still there for me. I can feel you showing your head every now and then, when we’re alone watching TV
or when we’re just staring at the ceiling we have our little talks, and I always tell you how amazing I’m doing. But this year has been tough, and i know what you’d say,
“Don’t give up, it will get better, I promise.” and you know, part of me really wants to believe you, but this body is so hard to get used to as well. It’s not the body I always thought
I’d have, its different, but I really can’t even express how happy I am that you gave it to me. I’m slowly making it my own.
Haha I think you’d be really horribly embarrassed to see the things I’ve done to it, you know I have my ears pierced? Haha well you wanted to do that anyway, but I wear dresses, in public!
and I have a girl’s voice now! Thank god for that. But I know you’d never talk if you had a girl voice back in the day.
You know, I still feel terrible, I put you through so much, make you worry and be sad and hate yourself, and you know what? you shouldn’t hate yourself, you are awesome, no, you’re amazing, and I love
every last inch of you, from you stomach (which I still hate by the way) to your hair to your beard, I love every inch of you.
I know for a few months we shared this body on and off and that was a bunch of fun, but you deserve your rest now, you’ve been through so much and done so much for me and others.
Including giving me your entire life and trusting me with it, and honestly that is the best gift anyone has ever given me, you’ve released me from the cage.
I promise that I won’t make you leave, I promise you’ll be able to watch my life unfold and that you’ll still be able to see your friends and your parents, because deep down, I know how much you love all of them.
and don’t worry, I will let them know how much you love them, and they’ll finally be able to see that love you were always scared to show.
All those fears and worries you had, all that hate you had bottled up inside….its all gone now, you can rest. I’ll take over from here, and I promise I’ll give you a good show to watch while you rest.
I love you,
Your sister,
Cyn.

This kinda hit hard and I really relate to it a lot. Even the picture speaks volumes, the before and after looks so familiar, and I can recognise that dead look in the eyes because I used to see it so much in myself.

sometimes I wonder, if I had a time machine or could send a message back in time, what would I say to myself a few years ago? I wouldn't refer to myself as a different person, but I don't think what I'd tell myself would be all too different.

I would say, it's OK. I know how alone you feel, and I know you think that there isn't a future for you, that things will just keep getting worse, but you have a life ahead of you that you just can't see right now. I know you are scared, hurting and struggling, but just around the corner you'll find that there will be a time where you won't have to feel like it's not worth getting out of bed, or drinking yourself into oblivion is the only way to cope with life. There's strength in you that you don't even know exists right now. You don't need to isolate yourself and keep everyone at arm's length, you'll find out that if you let people get close to you, let them in, you'll discover you have better friends than you know who were right there all along. There are going to be ups and downs, there's going to be heartache and it's going to be a long journey, but it's worth it because there will be happiness the likes of which you haven't felt for a very long time. You'll feel at ease with yourself, slowly but surely. You won't have to be afraid, ashamed and alone any longer. And most of all, you will find love. It will be OK.

howamidifferent

I'm male, no inclination to be any other gender but had to post to say I found that moving.

That perfectly illustrated how 'other' she felt pre-transition.

The best part is how she's come to feel now that she's properly herself

CaraMay

Look how happy Cyn looks Great post - thanks.

Cyndercyns

Hey everyone, I'm the girl that posted that letter. I figured I'd come in here and just say that i'm so happy that some of you liked it and found it worth while. I tried to do my best to express how I felt.

I am very happy now though and for all those interested, heres my timeline

http://imgur.com/q7Le6

and if anyone wants to talk, feel free to message me on skype under SNIP or e-mail at me [email]SNIP[/email]

Congratulations Cyn, you've done great!

Links234

Thanks for posting! It's quite a remarkable timeline, and some day I'd like to do my own.

But I'm very serious that I was shedding tears after reading your letter, it just hit me right in the heart, and I have to thank you for sharing that.

eviltwin

Brilliant post, thanks for putting it up Links

Cyn I too am in tears reading it and your timelime is so moving, you look so happy,you could light up a room with that smile in your later pics. Its just so wonderful to see someone find the real them. I wish you love and happiness in the future xx

staker

Unbelievably brave and courageous Cyndercyns.
You've just educated an ignorant thirtysomething as regards the emotional trauma and personal dilemmas faced by transgenders(I'm sure I won't be the only one either).
A real eyeopener to me I'm ashamed to say, and I'm so glad you did! Thank you.

Cyndercyns

I'm glad to educate any way I can, life has been pretty interesting in the past year, but completely worth it. I'm just glad I had the chance to be me and to express that in a way I never thought possible.

Transgender people have a rough time in society and I'm blessed not only with being seen as a girl, but being accepted by the people around me that I can't help but be happy, and thats why you see me smiling all the time, because out of all the people in the world I was lucky enough to be able to be the real me without holding back.

Thank you all for reading that and taking it into your heart, I hope each and every one of you learn to accept who you are and express it without any censoring.

Wibbs

Cyndercyns while we appreciate your posts and story, we have a general policy on the site to remove email addresses for the all around safety of our members. Thanks

Cyndercyns

no worries.

Lyaiera

I've been thinking about saying this for a while, and I guess now is as good a time as any. I'm transgender. Hi!

I've only accepted it for myself very recently. As of this week I'm out to all the friends of mine I would consider close. Their response has been uniformly fantastic. Still, I really can't overstate how amazingly helpful TLL has been to me. Not in any specific way, but just as it's helpful in its own special way to every other poster.

I'm still living my day-to-day life as a guy, and it's a slow process to change that. Even with coming out to my friends I'm still conscious of appearing as a guy to them. I don't know if I police my actions, but obviously I feel self-conscious and generally wrong as a guy. And while I have no doubts my friends would be amazing no matter how I act, it's still not right for me. And that's why TLL is so great. I can log on here, and chat to people and feel normal.

I remember reading a book as a child, about how the internet was going to help people who couldn't lead a life as they would wish to, whether that was because of disability or whatever. I know I picked up the book because there were bits about transgender people finding some amount of fulfillment online. I think I appreciate that book more than ever now. And it's absolutely correct with regards to TLL. This forum has helped me fill in a part of my life that I simply didn't have before, and a year ago I would have thought of as impossible.

So, thanks Loungers. I will continue To Lunch if that's ok.

Das Kitty

Lyaiera wrote: »

I've been thinking about saying this for a while, and I guess now is as good a time as any. I'm transgender. Hi!

I've only accepted it for myself very recently. As of this week I'm out to all the friends of mine I would consider close. Their response has been uniformly fantastic. Still, I really can't overstate how amazingly helpful TLL has been to me. Not in any specific way, but just as it's helpful in its own special way to every other poster.

I'm still living my day-to-day life as a guy, and it's a slow process to change that. Even with coming out to my friends I'm still conscious of appearing as a guy to them. I don't know if I police my actions, but obviously I feel self-conscious and generally wrong as a guy. And while I have no doubts my friends would be amazing no matter how I act, it's still not right for me. And that's why TLL is so great. I can log on here, and chat to people and feel normal.

I remember reading a book as a child, about how the internet was going to help people who couldn't lead a life as they would wish to, whether that was because of disability or whatever. I know I picked up the book because there were bits about transgender people finding some amount of fulfillment online. I think I appreciate that book more than ever now. And it's absolutely correct with regards to TLL. This forum has helped me fill in a part of my life that I simply didn't have before, and a year ago I would have thought of as impossible.

So, thanks Loungers. I will continue To Lunch if that's ok.

Go you!

((hugs))

eviltwin

Lyaiera wrote: »

I've been thinking about saying this for a while, and I guess now is as good a time as any. I'm transgender. Hi!

I've only accepted it for myself very recently. As of this week I'm out to all the friends of mine I would consider close. Their response has been uniformly fantastic. Still, I really can't overstate how amazingly helpful TLL has been to me. Not in any specific way, but just as it's helpful in its own special way to every other poster.

I'm still living my day-to-day life as a guy, and it's a slow process to change that. Even with coming out to my friends I'm still conscious of appearing as a guy to them. I don't know if I police my actions, but obviously I feel self-conscious and generally wrong as a guy. And while I have no doubts my friends would be amazing no matter how I act, it's still not right for me. And that's why TLL is so great. I can log on here, and chat to people and feel normal.

I remember reading a book as a child, about how the internet was going to help people who couldn't lead a life as they would wish to, whether that was because of disability or whatever. I know I picked up the book because there were bits about transgender people finding some amount of fulfillment online. I think I appreciate that book more than ever now. And it's absolutely correct with regards to TLL. This forum has helped me fill in a part of my life that I simply didn't have before, and a year ago I would have thought of as impossible.

So, thanks Loungers. I will continue To Lunch if that's ok.

Congratulations!! I don't know you but I feel really proud of you , I am in awe of people who make such big decisions. Best of luck for the future. xx

Esterhase

Great letter Cyndercyns, it's very touching. I'm glad you have found happiness

Congrats Lyaiera, best of luck with your transition!

Hamhide

wow..and i taught my blog was good : / I like the way she talks to her old self watching tv,i do that too!