Parents ,informed me on their Will

castle

My Parents who are healthy and in their 80's have informed me today that they will leave their house to my single sister who has never moved out of home,she is nice and a great sister(so no issue there). They said the reason is that their other 5 children all have a place to call home, but all with high mortgages etc,
She works in same job last 20 yrs and it pays decent she just never moved out and was never asked to move out or asked to stay for that matter, her choice.
I know it it their house etc and their choice but I am really annoyed to say the least that instead of making their 6 children all who have never had an issue with them a bit more comfortable they will only make one child mortgage free and the freedom that goes with that.
One child gets house 400K and others get about 5K each, WHY
I do feel bitter as I would have thought it would be a equal divide for all as when my OH Dad died he left everything between his 4 children to be shared equally.
I know some people will say don't be selfish etc but I know I am not ,selfish would be to expect all for myself,
We normally go to them for Xmas day and I honestly will not be doing that and at the moment can't be bothered with them to tell the truth, I have always been there for them whenever they needed anything even putting them ahead of my own family needs as they getting on,but at least they told me now which is better than finding out when they passed as I will be a little less available to their needs,
If they had decided to sell up and go on a world cruise and visit Vegas then I would have brought them to the airport and that would be great, but how parents can just look after one child is beyond me and I will never do the same to my children, no way they go the same to me,

LegacyUser

Your parents' house is only worth 400k if your sister sells it, which I doubt she'll do.
Presumably the other 5 siblings are all married, with or without children? I imagine your sister would gladly swap her mortgage-free house& loneliness, for any or your lives with family (love) & mortgages.
Equally, if either/both of your parents become ill, who do you think will be minding them? You'd lose your inheritance in nursing home fees just as much.
You deciding not to go to visit them on Christmas day will only serve to prove that, really, all along, the only reason you've been visiting them/putting yourself out with the longterm intention of cushioning your mortgage with the inheritance.
They likely don't see leaving their house to your sister as a "money" gift, rather that they are providing her with security& a home, the only home she has ever known.
Your mortgage is your responsibility, not your parents.

LegacyUser

Ah OP. I was actually feeling really sympathetic! Then I read your post from a month ago& it all began to make more sense why you're so aggrieved.
You're married, with 4 kids under the age of 11, living in a house with a mortgage of 120k.
BUT you also invested in a buy to let in 2005 with a mortgage of 330k, but the house is only worth 130k at best now.
No wonder you want that inheritance money. Guess you'll be seeing your parents or sister in court, the poor things.

ABajaninCork

OP. I can kind of understand where you're coming from, but I'm afraid it's your parent's house. It is none of your business what they do with that house, harsh as it might sound. If they want to leave it to your sister, distant relatives, or to Bertie Ahern. It's their prerogative, having worked hard for all their lives and paid for it. Just as you and your siblings are paying (I assume) for where you live.

castle

lkjlk
You completely missed the point and also came up with what if's, keep to the facts, but as you asked I will give you more info
1.Sister single by choice
2. If parents got sick she would not be a stay at home type to look after them she to busy in work and has great social life part of reason she wont move out as she saves a fortune by not having mortgage ,etc, she hands up 50E a week from a wage of net 900E,as parents wont take anymore, yes I got a mortgage by choice and she did not by choice,starting to get the picture and to say I visit them for cash gain is just stupid, simple I am annoyed as it my choice and I don't do fake ,so wont show up Xmas with santa hat pretending all is rosy in the garden, There is no logic reason to leave 99% of money to one child living at home,I think it is old Ireland rearing its ugly head where my parents are concerned I really do, anyway they will be getting the same cold shoulder from me that they showing me and the rest of siblings just the way I am,not the people I thought they where


ABajaninCork, like your reply you get the point,nothing to do with been mean it just seems unfair, they are all our parents after all not just one,

lkjlkj wrote: »

Your parents' house is only worth 400k if your sister sells it, which I doubt she'll do.
Presumably the other 5 siblings are all married, with or without children? I imagine your sister would gladly swap her mortgage-free house& loneliness, for any or your lives with family (love) & mortgages.
Equally, if either/both of your parents become ill, who do you think will be minding them? You'd lose your inheritance in nursing home fees just as much.
You deciding not to go to visit them on Christmas day will only serve to prove that, really, all along, the only reason you've been visiting them/putting yourself out with the longterm intention of cushioning your mortgage with the inheritance.
They likely don't see leaving their house to your sister as a "money" gift, rather that they are providing her with security& a home, the only home she has ever known.
Your mortgage is your responsibility, not your parents.

Curry Addict

it doesnt seem fair but maybe your parents have an insight into life and your situations that older people get and believe they are doing the best thing.
its likely they feel that although the 5 married kids will have to work hard etc they do have support and security enough to have good lives.

I wouldnt judge them for it. im sure they thought a lot about it and want to leave good meaningful legacy.

Neyite

Op, has she been handing up money for her keep to your parents?or helping with home improvements or maintenance in the last 20 years? if so, her salary coming in may have been quite welcome to two elderly people who have been pensioners for 15 years or more. Maybe her contribution makes things a lot easier day to day -pensions dont stretch too far these days - she might do the tasks around the house that they are not quite fit for anymore, like mowing the lawn, or the grocery shop.

Ultimately, its their decision to make, its their home to do what they want with. Maybe they feel that she will look after them if their health fails, where the rest of you have family commitments and may not be able to?

Lorna123

Hi Op, I can perfectly understand why your parents are leaving the house to your sister who lives alone, the reason being that she won't have to move out when they die. The rest of you have a roof over you so it would be a big thing if your sister had to start looking for a house after your parents die. If you had been the last person in the family home and hadn't married it would have been you who would have benefited with the house.

It doesn't mean that your parents love you any less than they love your sister or any of your other siblings. They just feel as your sister is an unmarried woman that she needs the security of the home. That's all.

Please don't take it out on them in their 80s and feel bitter about this, they think they are doing the right thing by all of you. Please don't let them die alienated from you. That would be a terrible pity and something you will regret for the rest of your life when they are gone.
OP this kind of thing happens quite frequently and in the country the eldest son used to inherit everything, so don't think badly of your parents. Love them for the kindness that is in their hearts.

LegacyUser

Fine, lets stick to the facts, but I don't think you'll like my post any extra.
You're 120k in debt from your own current house, and a further 330k in debt from a buy to let back in '05. So, a total of 450k mortgage repayments has you eyeing up your inheritance, or lack thereof, with a lot more anger that you would otherwise have had.

sullies

OP l disagree. It is not your fault that your sister never married and had a family so why are you being punished for it? I believe that all children should be treated the same regardless of what they done with their lives. I know that l couldn't make a difference with mine. I think you should go over at xmas instead of avoiding them as l think that would be a decision you will inevitably regret. Also, by not going to their house you're saying that you care more about money than your relationship with them as your parents. At the same time l can understand that you are hurt because l'm sure for you it isn't about the money and more to do with the fact that they have chosen her over all the other siblings. I suggest you go over to their house, when your sister isn't there, and let them know how you feel. Apart from that there really isn't anything else you can do.

shampooman

Hey Castle,

You know if I were you I'd be annoyed too, actually I'd be fairly angry but to cut to the chase it's their house and in their mind for whatever reason it probably makes perfect sense. Spend Christmas with your family, you don't know how many are left and just get on with it. They are your parents, you seem like an intelligent well rounded person and I'd imagine they played a part in this so you should be thankful. I know it does not seem like it but I can totally 100% see it from your point of view but just weigh it up...what's more important family or money/perceived fairness? If I were you I'd get the anger out, maybe discuss it with them and then let it go and move on. Don't let this anger persist and fester... a long term argument between family is just sad. End of the day you love them, they love you and **** the rest. Seriously deep breaths and resist the urge to explode...I can almost feel it in your writing Best of luck!

blatantrereg

That sucks.

I know of a family where that happened too. In that case they left the house to the youngest son, who was also the only single one. They just saw him as a bit more of their child and less grown up I think - that the others didn't need looking after any more.

I think it's a bad decision in both your case and that one, from the information I'm aware of. I'd be rather dismayed myself if the same thing happened.

Actually there was an uneven division of a will between two children in my own family come to think of it. In that case the greater benefactor squared it with the other child. Perhaps you could put that idea to your sister. Of course she might not want to do that, and there's not much you can do if she doesn't apart from accept it.

LegacyUser

As for "all children should be treated the same", well this works both ways, parents should be treated the same by all children. Except this doesn't happen. Some children do more for parents through either circumstance or convenience or congeniality, or a mixture of all three.
Also, especially in a large family, with lots of different personalities, and everyones' lives veering off in different directions, of course parents are going to be closer& more attached to some children than others.
OPs' mum and dad are in their 80's, and have been around long enough to have seen plenty of funerals, inheritance issues, family issues, ect. They won't have made their decision lightly. However unfair, that decision must be respected. I'm sure they wouldn't dream of dictating any of their adult children what to do with their own houses/finances, that respect should be extended back to them.

WaltKowalski

castle wrote: »

yes I got a mortgage by choice and she did not by choice

You both made your own choices, and so have your parents.

AnonMouse

So, basically what you're saying OP, is that it boils down to money? Your sister that is living with your parents, will more than likely shoulder a lot more of the burden if/when either of your parents get sick.

There are two ways of becoming richer:

(i) Demanding more

(ii) Seeking less.

You should be grateful that you still have your parents. They won't be around forever, so make the time count.

Just my opinion anyway.

Degringola

Not exactly the same situation as yours OP, but has certain similarities.
Huband has 4 siblings, and the youngest sister is in her forties now and has never married (not through choice, I don't think, Mr Right has just not happened along so far) and also works full time.
Parents are in their late eighties now. She is always there for them, keeps the house up to scratch, they cannot be left alone at night, but as said, she is there for them always.
Her siblings relieve her for days/nights out and holidays, visit, bring them out to lunch, shopping, doctors' appointments etc. when youngest sibling is at work. She has willingly lifted a huge burden from their shoulders which means they can spend more time with their own families. (Not that she sees it as a burden, she doesn't.)

Even if your parents are hale and hearty now, accidents can still happen, and they are of course getting older. It must be a great comfort to them to have one of their children living with them who will have their best interests at heart.

I know my husband and his siblings will be forever grateful for what she is doing. They've known for years that the house is willed to her and they think she deserves every brick of it.

Stavro Mueller

I can understand why you are burning up with anger but you need to stop and take time out before you do something you regret. Not going to your parents for Christmas is a little bit like a child throwing their toys out of the pram. It's an instinctive lashing out at something that is making you very angry but it has significant repercussions.

It's likely you're going to cause a rift in your family. Not just with your parents but with your siblings too. If you don't show at Christmas, when will you come visit? What will you do if one of your parents falls ill and decisions need to be made? Will you be included/excluded from the decision making? At the age they're at, it's likely that you'll be attending some funerals in the coming years. You need to bear that in mind - is it really worth falling out with them at this stage. Can you live with the guilt?

As others have alluded to, it's likely that if they do fall ill, that your sister's the one who's going to be sharing more of the burden. I've no idea if there are statistics but usually, the unmarried child who's still at home is the one who ends up picking up a disproportionate amount of the tab. You can't assume that just because of the way she's living her life now, that she'll not help. Maybe she's doing more for your parents than you think. Also, unless your parents are lucky enough to remain in rude good health until the end of their days, it's likely that they'll be needing home care and/or go into a nursing home. All of which costs a lot of money as you're aware.

The most sensible thing for you to do in the short term is to calm down and not do/say something you regret. Especially not to your parents or to your sister. Perhaps when you're feeling calmer, have a chat with your parents but don't say something you regret. As things are, you can't change anything. Blowing your top over this isn't going to make them change the will and will send out all the wrong signals to them.

IrishEyes19

I think its your parents house who have worked all their lives to keep it afloat and its their decision at the end of the day. They obviously have a reason for it and have a right to do what they want. To be honest Id respect my mam and dads decision, because I love them more than anything, 5 grand is still a lot of money and I think you are being petty. Avoiding them at christmas will do more hurt than good and I think you should rethink this.

username123

I can totally understand why you are upset over this OP. However, harsh as it is, its your parents decision.

Unfortunately by doing this they are likely to cause a big rift between yourself and siblings and your sister who will see her as having gotten the free ride in life - which is true.

But its their money. If they want to walk down Grafton St handing out tenners they are entitled to do so with it.

To be honest I would be surprised that your sister would accept that. In her shoes Id divvy it out equally but then again if she is used to the easy ride financially then perhaps she will be happy to take it.

You can all also consider suing for a share of the estate but thats likely to just see the estate eaten up in legal fees.

But I totally agree with you re how you feel and the idea that you might be less available now, why would you be more available when you are being treated less favourably than another sibling?

The best thing I can really say is this - you are being taught an important lesson for your own future, to treat one child differently causes rifts and bad feeling.

Daisy M

I can't understand why you are so angry. Your sister has lived in the house her entire life, its the only home she has known. I presume that your sister is middle aged given your parents age and how long she is in her current job. Your parents know what your sister is missing out on not having a family of her own, they are also probably aware that if one or both of them become ill the burden of care and decision making will fall on her shoulders and also thinking that when one of them passes away the other will be extremely dependant on her.

I am kinda stunned that you can not see how richer your life already is than your sister, also you have had one inheritance already from your father in law most people never even get that much!

ronjo

I can understand you not being happy Op as I am in similar situation myself. I am youngest but one sister at home will get house. My parents opinion is that I am welcome to move home there anytime I want but they don't want her to be forced out
At the start I was a little bummed but now I am totally fine with it.

I would advise you to accept it as soon as you can and move on. Life is too short to be falling out over money, especially with your elderly parents.

LegacyUser

I think everyone can understand why you are angry, really angry. But please wait before making any rash decisions. Your sister may not be single by choice, not everyone tells their story. I think you are here to confirm support for your anger and yet you don't want to feel angry and it's hard just to let your emotions go. This is a fight that will result in no winners, and only more anger and sadness that may not be repairable. I agree it's not fair.

It's impossible to put yourself in other peoples shoes fully. I doubt your parents did it to hurt any of you. I doubt they would want you to be angry, this angry with them. Please just wait and always remember what is most important.

ilovesleep

My mam's mother died a few years ago. Granny had something like 10 offspring ranging in ages now to late 40s to mid 60s now. All but 3 married and made their own ways. The one's who weren't married or seprated - 1 was abroad for a long but came home and is renting. Another abroad, not coming home. The youngest stayed at home all his life.

Granny left everything to him - house and whatever money. There was no anger from his siblings about this. Absolutely none. It didn't even cross my mam's mind anyways.

Is 50 euro your sisters only contribution? 50 euro towards her keep? How old is she? There shouldn't be any keep because in my opinion if your parents are in their 80s she should be doing a weekly grocery shop for the family at the very least. Bills should be in her name too. House improvements and appliance repair or replacements too. I find it hard to believe that 50 is here only contribution, especially when your parents are so elderly. Your post does appear to be about money.

Neyite

OP, there are 6 children according to your original post.

What do the other 4 who are set to inherit the same as you feel about her getting the family home? Have you talked to your sister about it at all?

LegacyUser

It doesn't matter if OPs sister is paying 50euro for her keep....I'm sure her simply by being there is priceless to the parents.
From a security perspective- if someone breaks in, from a health perspective- if one of them takes ill, from a psychological perspective- a young person to talk to, from a practical perspective- tidying up for visitors, cooking, cleaning, fetching things. The advantages to the parents are endless.
I feel sorry for the sister in the longterm though, I'm sure she didn't choose to be single, just mightn't have met her Mr Right, the house will be cold comfort when both parents have passed away and there's an echo down the corridors and the bed cold, with noone to talk to, and estranged from her siblings. Everyone experiences hardship, but it's all so much easier with someone standing by your side to support you....maybe this is the only way the parents feel she can ever experience that.

ilovesleep

Your post does appear to be about money.

Do you want your sister to sell the house when your parents die and share out what she gets? The house is worth 400,000k you said. And there's six of you. That would be about 66,666 each, of course subject to tax so less but still a nice healthy sum to pay down onto your mortgage. So that your sister heads off renting.

or

Maybe should she remortgage the house and pay you what you think are entitled to, so that it will help with your mortgage. But it's dumping her with one too.

username123

Neyite wrote: »

OP, there are 6 children according to your original post.

What do the other 4 who are set to inherit the same as you feel about her getting the family home? Have you talked to your sister about it at all?

Yes, I wondered this as well.

And what did you tell your parents when they informed you of their wishes, did you tell them that you felt that they were treating one child differently and that you were angry and resentful about that, and if so, what was their reaction? I find it hard to believe that parents would make a deliberate attempt to cause a family rift between siblings like this.

Taltos

OP - to be blunt - it is their house, their life and they can choose to give it to some crazy cult.

Is it fair - no not at all, at least not by what you have told us.

However - for the moment they are still alive - instead of letting their choice eat you up or make you angry at your sister I think instead you need to grow up a little here and have some respect for their decision and bravery in telling you. They were under no obligation - and might have told you now so that you can burn up your anger at them instead of your sister. But really - who does this serve?

My advice
Go back to them - tell them that no you don't like their decision, you don't respect the choice but you do respect and love them and out of this love you are going to do all you can to come to some form of acceptance now before it is too late.
Not trying to pull the old guilt card - but do you really want their last years to be marred by hostility due to a decision they made?

Their life - their house - just accept that they love you and seeing that you have your own home just wish the same for their stay at home daughter who for whatever reason (known or not) doesn't appear to have the same stability and love you all have...

WaltKowalski

Can understand why you're p-d off,but this statement reflects very badly on you.

castle wrote: »

We normally go to them for Xmas day and I honestly will not be doing that and at the moment can't be bothered with them to tell the truth

It's your parents house, but it's your sisters home.
What do you think should happen her when they die? That is if they pre-decease you both.

LegacyUser

I can only speak for myself but if my parents left everything to one of my siblings only, it wouldn't be an issue for me..I'd be happy to see them taken care of. It is my parents choice and i'd respect that..at the end of the day I'm sure I would want just one more moment with them than caring about who got what

squonk

Frankly OP you made a crap decision to invest from what we see from some detective work by another boardsie. Your parents house is theirs to do with as they please. Stand on your own two feet and don't expect anyone to bail you out. It's your problem, not anybody else's. your sister provides security and assistance and company for your elderly parents. You have some serious copping on to do my friend.