Dancing Problems

LegacyUser · 07-11-2012 8:55am #1

Living in Wexford for a while and heres the thing. Im with my GF a few years and shes not really the jealous type. But there is another girl who I have been friends with for about 4 years. This other girl is really good looking by the way, but she has huge social issues (she has a slight lisp and it gets her down a lot).

This other girl, the place she works is having a debs type party for XMAS this year. To cut a long story short she was really upset about the whole thing in tears etc and asked me would I be her date. I agreed not even thinking it would be an issue.

Later that night at my house my GF flips her cap. "You and her are going to spend the night together slow dancing and getting drunk", "Shes going to be presenting you to the whole world as her boyfriend" and all this kinda thing.

I told her Id be the girls "date" and not her boyfriend. Then she went crazy altogether, "so my boyfriend is dating some other girl and doesnt see a problem with it". As soon as she said that I walked out.

Shes such a thicko. Im not doing this because I fancy her or something. Im doing it as a favour for a friend. This girl is *really* upset/depressed that everyone in work is going and everyone else has a date already and she doesnt. If she cancels it will look bad. If she turns up with no date it will look bad. Im not really "dating" her. Just going out, having some dinner, some wine/champagne and then some dancing for an hour or two, have our photos taken, and then back home again. I cant see what the problem is to be honest. Its not like I'll be staying at hers or in a hotel that night.

curlzy · 07-11-2012 9:35am

Why do you care more about your "friend" than your "thicko" girlfriend. Can you really not see how you going on a date with your "really good looking" friend might be upsetting to your girlfriend? Try imagine it with the positions reversed. How would you feel if she wanted to go on a date with a devilishly handsome friend? How would you feel? You need to grow up and cop on here.

Got to say OP, if this is how you treat your partners prepare for a very lonely life. If you were my bf I'd be dropping you like a hot snot.

emsie80 · 07-11-2012 9:46am

curlzy wrote: »

Why do you care more about your "friend" than your "thicko" girlfriend. Can you really not see how you going on a date with your "really good looking" friend might be upsetting to your girlfriend? Try imagine it with the positions reversed. How would you feel if she wanted to go on a date with a devilishly handsome friend? How would you feel? You need to grow up and cop on here.

Got to say OP, if this is how you treat your partners prepare for a very lonely life. If you were my bf I'd be dropping you like a hot snot.

100% agree with all of the above!! OP, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Take your "thicko" girlfriends feelings and opinions regarding this into consideration!!

Ickle Magoo · 07-11-2012 9:48am

You're going as this girls date to the event because she can't find a single unattached guy to go with - and you can't see why that would annoy your girlfriend?

Think you need to have a wee think about this one OP. While I think it's admirable you would want to help out a mate, doing so while attached without so much as discussing it with your girlfriend shows an incredible lack of tact/insight on your part. The fact you would put it all down to her being a "thicko" and are blinded to the hurt/damage this does to your relationship all for the sake of a friend not looking bad - it's hardly surprising your girlfriend isn't happy.

squonk · 07-11-2012 9:58am

First things first, the Debs type thing sounds strange and a bit ill-conceived for a work type do. Anyone thinking up that one deserves a bit of a talking to. I'm single so I wouldn't be going to something like that, but I'm fairly sure neither would most of my team either, most of whom are happilly married and have partners to dance with if needs be.

Second, why can't your friend just not go, or organise a night out with her friends instead of going to this thing? Why couldn't you have suggested this to her?

Thirdly, we're all entitled to our own friends in a relationship and to hang out with them independent of your OH is a good and healthy thing but I definitely think you're crossing a line here. It is a bit more than just hanging out and going for a drink and catching up. There's an element of intimacy here that you won't get in the drink example and, yes, there is the perception amongst others that you are an item, even if you paste a sheet on your back with "I'm not actually with this girl" writ large in marker on it.

I don't think your OH is overreacting here. Either your friend decides not to go or she asks somebody else but I think you have to excuse yourself from this. Are you also 100% certain that it's seen as a purely platonic relationship from your friend's point of view? If it's not then you're just playing on your friend's vulnerabilities also.

movingsucks · 07-11-2012 10:22am

squonk wrote: »

First things first, the Debs type thing sounds strange and a bit ill-conceived for a work type do. Anyone thinking up that one deserves a bit of a talking to. I'm single so I wouldn't be going to something like that, but I'm fairly sure neither would most of my team either, most of whom are happilly married and have partners to dance with if needs be.

I was just thinking the same. It seems like a very strange concept for a company to have in 2012! You'd think places were trying to cut down on bringing partners let alone creating a situation where you *have* to bring someone - ANYONE - as a date. Why do they need photos taken of the happy couples etc? I don't get it but I'm old anyway

Unless of course all the other workers are attached and she's the only one single.

squonk wrote: »

Are you also 100% certain that it's seen as a purely platonic relationship from your friend's point of view? If it's not then you're just playing on your friend's vulnerabilities also.

I agree here. Confused Guy, are you absolutely sure your friend isn't putting the moves on you?
Have your friend and your girlfriend met? Do they get along well normally?
Has she ever had an issue with this friend before?

Your girlfriend is right about one thing, she WILL be presenting you as her date. Why else would she be so depressed and desperate to bring someone otherwise? I can understand her feeling a bit self conscious if EVERYONE else in her work has a "date" (still can't get my head around this idea!) but do you really think she's use gonna tell her work friends "oh he's just a friend, purely platonic, nothing romantic at all I just didn't want to look like a loser showing up alone".
Will these pictures be splattered all over Facebook by any chance? And I don't know what part of Wexford you're in but people round here love a bit of gossip (I hope it's ok to write that on here!)
Now even if it is all above board and she has no interest in you and you in her and it really is just a bit of fun it's still kinda humiliating for your "thicko" girlfriend. Can you really not see that?
Would you be happy with her getting dolled up and going out with a good looking male friend "just as a date"?
If you would, then get into that mindset and try and make your case with your girlfriend in a mature way - just walking off in the middle of a conversation (even if it's a heated one) makes you look guilty as hell. I know sometimes if you can't get through to someone it can be frustrating but you need to look at this from your girlfriends point of view.

The problem as well with these kind of situations as well is it can very quickly become a question of "winning" rather than what's really right or wrong. You don't go and your girlfriend "wins" by telling you what you can and can't do. You go, you "win" by doing something you know your girlfriend was really upset about you doing. So tread very carefully there if you want to keep seeing her

LegacyUser · 07-11-2012 10:36am

curlzy wrote: »

Why do you care more about your "friend" than your "thicko" girlfriend. Can you really not see how you going on a date with your "really good looking" friend might be upsetting to your girlfriend? Try imagine it with the positions reversed. How would you feel if she wanted to go on a date with a devilishly handsome friend? How would you feel? You need to grow up and cop on here.

Got to say OP, if this is how you treat your partners prepare for a very lonely life. If you were my bf I'd be dropping you like a hot snot.

I never said I "cared more" about this other girl. If I had to pick between them then of course Id pick my GF. And she knows that.

If I wanted to cheat on her I simply wouldnt have said anything about the dance, and then on the night I would have told her Im going out with a few lads.

Oh and to answer your question, my GF goes clubbing at weekends (while Im working) with her group of mates were they get hammered drunk. Her group of mates is more men then girls and includes her ex that she had LTR with. And I'll assume there is other men in the club that are a lot more goodlooking than me. And Im going to assume that each night at least one man will make a pass at her. And I also assume that she has the decency to do the right thing and say no to them.

Im going to a dance as a favour to a friend, were it will be light drinking (not getting smashed drunk), a dinner around a huge table were everybody is chatting (not a candlelit dinner for two) and then an hour of waltzing/ballroom dancing. Sure people might think Im her boyfriend but to be honest I dont really care what some strangers think of me.

I fail to the see the problem here?

Pippy1976 · 07-11-2012 10:56am

Confused Guy wrote: »

Shes such a thicko.

Admiral that you're helping your friend out but I think you're taking the wrong approach.

Calling your GF a thicko is not on. I wonder does she know you say things like that about her? Uncalled for and extremely rude.

squonk · 07-11-2012 11:00am

That's the problem OP though. Your OH is out with her group of friends. It's a group. They've presumably known each other a very long time but there's also that group dynamic going on in that some are maybe single, some are couples or whatever and, even if some guys chat up your gf she can give them the heave ho, and she has some mates there to fall back on.

You might think you're doing nothing wrong but you are effectively going on a date with this other girl. Maybe it's just me but I can't get my head around this format for a christmas do but even if I did, the last thing I'd be doing is inviting one of my friend's girlfriends along, even if she was a great dancer etc. I wouldn't do my friends the disservice of putting them in that position and I wouldn't want to put any of their girlfriends in a position that might lead to tension in their own relationship.

I've danced with some of my mates girlfriends at weddings of course but the difference there was that it was informal 5-10 minute things, their OH's were there as well as lots of mutual friends. That's a far cry from commandeering one of the girls for a night for a work do where we'd spend a good amount of time dancing and chatting.

The bottom line is that even if one of my friend's girlfriends offered of their own volition to come along to something like this with me, I'd decline and tell them that I wouldn't think it was appropriate. That would never happen anyway because most people would not offer this.

God it's one bloody night and only a Christmas party. Can she not get out and do something else instead or plan a nice night in as an alternative?

movingsucks · 07-11-2012 11:05am

squonk wrote: »

God it's one bloody night and only a Christmas party. Can she not get out and do something else instead or plan a nice night in as an alternative?

Agreed and if its a big group sitting at a table chatting then why does this lady "NEED" a date as Confused Guy says. That's what's making it weird for me. If she'd just said it in passing and Confused Guy said "ah sure I'll go with you for the laugh" it would be one thing but the fact that she was crying and upset and depressed about not having a "date" even a made up one , just seems very strange to me, it's all about the image and the perception of her co-workers by the sounds of it. Either that or she doesn't get on well with her co-workers and doesn't feel comfortable in their company alone.

squonk · 07-11-2012 11:22am

Exactly and if she doesn't like her co-workers, going to a Christmas Party with them shouldn't really be something she's pushed about. I've been in places in the past where I disliked a good few of my co-workers so not going to the Christmas Party was always a bit of a bonus really.

LegacyUser · 07-11-2012 11:33am

squonk wrote: »

That's the problem OP though. Your OH is out with her group of friends. It's a group. They've presumably known each other a very long time but there's also that group dynamic going on in that some are maybe single, some are couples or whatever and, even if some guys chat up your gf she can give them the heave ho, and she has some mates there to fall back on.

You might think you're doing nothing wrong but you are effectively going on a date with this other girl. Maybe it's just me but I can't get my head around this format for a christmas do but even if I did, the last thing I'd be doing is inviting one of my friend's girlfriends along, even if she was a great dancer etc. I wouldn't do my friends the disservice of putting them in that position and I wouldn't want to put any of their girlfriends in a position that might lead to tension in their own relationship.

I've danced with some of my mates girlfriends at weddings of course but the difference there was that it was informal 5-10 minute things, their OH's were there as well as lots of mutual friends. That's a far cry from commandeering one of the girls for a night for a work do where we'd spend a good amount of time dancing and chatting.

The bottom line is that even if one of my friend's girlfriends offered of their own volition to come along to something like this with me, I'd decline and tell them that I wouldn't think it was appropriate. That would never happen anyway because most people would not offer this.

God it's one bloody night and only a Christmas party. Can she not get out and do something else instead or plan a nice night in as an alternative?

I have no idea about that myself. Its definitely not my cup of tea. Id much rather go to a night club. I think the logic was the company were sick of the regular set-up and then there is some place in Dublin somewhere thats having a "debs for adults" type thing at Xmas. And then the company, well the workers I suppose, decided they would use that as their "company party".

Im starting to think you lot are all mates with my GF her or something.

Seriously. We are going to a friggin dinner, and then having a dance after it. I cant see the issue.

Yeh we are going to pretend to be a couple for the night for all the lovely strangers.

I know its fake.
The girl knows its fake.
My GF knows its fake.
The only people that wont know its fake are the strangers.

Who cares what a bunch of strangers think.

Im pissed about this because in my eyes all Im doing is helping a friend out. This thing is really upsetting her because she doesnt want to be "the girl who cant get a date" in front of the all the girls at work. And for whatever reasons my GF is laying down demands for no good reason.

The most we are doing is having a formal slow dance. Its not like we will be doing one of those dances (Im not sure of the name) are all up close and very handsy.

ash23 · 07-11-2012 11:39am

I've gone to my last few work Christmas parties alone. Am going alone this year too even though I am seeing someone.
Actually I went to my debs alone because I didn't want to bring someone who wasn't a "proper" date.

Going out with friends in a group is one thing. Going to something as someones date is a whole other thing! I'd be upset if my boyfriend thought it was acceptable to attend a function as his female friends date. For things like weddings, balls, dinner parties etc, then unless you're attending with your girlfriend, you shouldn't attend with another female unless she's your mother imo.

Your friend should go alone and be a grown up about it instead of "borrowing" someone elses boyfriend for the night. Strange beyond belief.

Pippy1976 · 07-11-2012 11:44am

ash23 wrote: »

Your friend should go alone and be a grown up about it instead of "borrowing" someone elses boyfriend for the night.

Agreed. Attend on her own and be an adult about it. It is perfectly o.k. to go to functions on your own if you are / are not attached.

Back away from this one... yes, you should help friends but there are limits.

squonk · 07-11-2012 11:52am

All I can suggest OP is that you look again at the responses here and take some time to digest what people are saying. Look at things from your gf's perspective. What you are doing really isn't fair to her and your friend should have more cop on as well, especially being a woman herself. It's never acceptable to do something that crosses a line and causes tension within another couple. If you feel you can't hang out with the couple or one of the individuals in the couple without crossing that line then it's time to pull away and deal with your issues on your own time. Your friend is being completely inappropriate and you really shouldn't be acquiescing to her request at all.

Whether you end up getting it on or just politely dancing for the evening is completely beside the point. It comes down to respect and you need to show more respect for your girlfriend in this situation.

emsie80 · 07-11-2012 11:54am

"And for whatever reasons my GF is laying down demands for no good reason"

Hmmmmmm - maybe because shes your girlfriend for the past couple of years and she doesnt like the idea of her boyfriend been in a "pretend relationship" for the night!!

I can understand how you want to help a friend out, but seriously id stay well clear of this situation and honestly i think you need to show a little bit of respect for your girlfriends feelings!

stargazer 68 · 07-11-2012 11:58am

squonk wrote: »

Whether you end up getting it on or just politely dancing for the evening is completely beside the point. It comes down to respect and you need to show more respect for your girlfriend in this situation.

This! Everyone on here has told you what the problem is and you still don't seem to see it - or don't want to.

What happens when there is a function for Valentines Day and everyone is bringing a 'date'. Are you going to go to that with her too? You say you know its fake and she does too - but is she secretly hoping that this will start something between you?

'The only people that don't know its fake are strangers' - but they aren't strangers to her! They are people that she has to work with every day- including after this party. I know from my job if I brought a date to a function I would be asked about him regularly from my colleagues. Is she going to continue with this lie for months?

Typer Monkey · 07-11-2012 12:01pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

Im starting to think you lot are all mates with my GF her or something.

Seriously. We are going to a friggin dinner, and then having a dance after it. I cant see the issue.

Your girlfriend has outlined the issue with this to you and every poster here has agreed with her. Are you actually looking for advice or did you just expect people to agree with you and join in the slating of your 'thicko' girlfriend? (Disgraceful way to refer to her by the way)

I hope for her sake this disregard for her (justifiable) feelings and the disrespect you have shown for her here aren't indicative of how you generally treat her

LegacyUser · 07-11-2012 12:10pm

Im going to leave it at this as my last post.

I just wish someone could see it from my point of view. Ive been mates with this girl for years now. This thing is really upsetting her. I can solve all her problems by just going and meeting the girls she works with and been her "date" for the night. Yeh those girl will think we went back to hers and had a wild night... but who cares. I dont know those girls. My girlfriend doesnt know them. Whats the problem?

The way I see it is this. My girlfriend is getting all pissy because of something a bunch of strangers might think. And she would rather I let my friend suffer.

Im not saying my friend should be getting all worked up about what the girls at work think of her, but there ya go, she does care.

And the way I see it now is, most people here are jumping to my GF's defence. Criticising everything I say and telling me what theyd do to me if they were my GF. I just wanted some advice on how the hell Im supposed to make my girlfriend relax a bit and see it from my point of view.

Its just a bloody favour Im doing. If it was my best guy mate asking me to go a gay bar in a different county and pretend be his date for the night and just have some dinner and a dance Id say yeh. Might feel a bit weird, but if it was leaving him in tears then yeh Id be a decent mate and play along and be his "date".

Thanks to the one or two who didnt jump down my throat and actually tried to help me out.

Pippy1976 · 07-11-2012 12:11pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

I have no idea about that myself. Its definitely not my cup of tea. Id much rather go to a night club. I think the logic was the company were sick of the regular set-up and then there is some place in Dublin somewhere thats having a "debs for adults" type thing at Xmas. And then the company, well the workers I suppose, decided they would use that as their "company party".

Im starting to think you lot are all mates with my GF her or something.

Seriously. We are going to a friggin dinner, and then having a dance after it. I cant see the issue.

Yeh we are going to pretend to be a couple for the night for all the lovely strangers.

I know its fake.
The girl knows its fake.
My GF knows its fake.
The only people that wont know its fake are the strangers.

Who cares what a bunch of strangers think.

Im pissed about this because in my eyes all Im doing is helping a friend out. This thing is really upsetting her because she doesnt want to be "the girl who cant get a date" in front of the all the girls at work. And for whatever reasons my GF is laying down demands for no good reason.

The most we are doing is having a formal slow dance. Its not like we will be doing one of those dances (Im not sure of the name) are all up close and very handsy.

I think you lost allies when you called your girlfriend a 'thicko'. And also, what workplace does this girl work in where EVERY female has a boyfriend / girlfriend.

Logic should prevail here - there will undoubtedly be single people there. Let her go on her own and YOU get back to a peaceful life with your girlfriend.

Stench Blossoms · 07-11-2012 12:12pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

Im starting to think you lot are all mates with my GF her or something.

We are not.

It is quite suss that you would go to this 'dance' knowing how upset it will make your girlfriend.

Also, calling her a thicko is not on and I'd hope that she cops on to the lack of respect you give her and leaves you.

Toast4532 · 07-11-2012 12:13pm

curlzy wrote: »

Why do you care more about your "friend" than your "thicko" girlfriend. Can you really not see how you going on a date with your "really good looking" friend might be upsetting to your girlfriend? Try imagine it with the positions reversed. How would you feel if she wanted to go on a date with a devilishly handsome friend? How would you feel? You need to grow up and cop on here.

Got to say OP, if this is how you treat your partners prepare for a very lonely life. If you were my bf I'd be dropping you like a hot snot.

Agreed with this.

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Your girlfriend has outlined the issue with this to you and every poster here has agreed with her. Are you actually looking for advice or did you just expect people to agree with you and join in the slating of your 'thicko' girlfriend? (Disgraceful way to refer to her by the way)

I hope for her sake this disregard for her (justifiable) feelings and the disrespect you have shown for her here aren't indicative of how you generally treat her

Agreed with this too.

Confused Guy wrote: »

Shes such a thicko

Sounds like your girlfriend is better off without you to be honest if this is how you speak about her and how you treat her.

It sounds to me that your friend is needy and insecure and has some feelings for you and by you both going to this party that it will start something between you both.

Your friend needs to grow up, cop on and realise that going to events without "dates" does not look bad. If she really is as depressed as she says and you say she is than perhaps a trip to her doctor or some counselling wouldn't go amiss.

You are behaving appallingly towards your girlfriend and frankly I wouldn't be at all surprised if she did dump you over this, you'd sure as hell deserve it.

How would you feel if your girlfriend told you she was getting all dolled up and going on a date with a hot male friend of hers? Would you be 100% OK with it? I bet you wouldn't, but you'll probably tell us you would be fine with it.

Your friend has issues and is dragging you into them - nothing good will come from this. Advise your friend to get help and you need to apologise to your girlfriend, because if you continue on like this, I can't imagine you'll have a girlfriend for much longer. Probably better off if this is how you treat girlfriends.

Chocoholic84 · 07-11-2012 12:17pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

Im starting to think you lot are all mates with my GF her or something.
Seriously. We are going to a friggin dinner, and then having a dance after it. I cant see the issue.
Yeh we are going to pretend to be a couple for the night for all the lovely strangers.
I know its fake.
The girl knows its fake.
My GF knows its fake.
The only people that wont know its fake are the strangers.
Who cares what a bunch of strangers think.
Im pissed about this because in my eyes all Im doing is helping a friend out. This thing is really upsetting her because she doesnt want to be "the girl who cant get a date" in front of the all the girls at work. And for whatever reasons my GF is laying down demands for no good reason.
The most we are doing is having a formal slow dance. Its not like we will be doing one of those dances (Im not sure of the name) are all up close and very handsy.

OK seriously, I get the feeling that no matter what advice we post, you are going to go ahead and p!ss off your g/f and go with this one to the do anyway.

As for calling your g/f a thicko - pot, kettle, black? I honestly am astounded at how you think this situation is ok.

This other girl has some nerve asking you as well, knowing you're in a relationship. As others have said, I'd back away ALOT. And as for crying to you about being the only one without a date? She sounds a bit of a loose cannon.

I feel sorry for your poor g/f.

And again, as someone else mentioned, put the shoe on the other foot. Your g/f comes home, says that her really good looking guy friend has asked her to be his date for his office party, and she's agreed, how would you feel? Really?

Yeh we are going to pretend to be a couple for the night for all the lovely strangers

Jesus I really should have singled this one out, it deserves a quote all on its own! So are you going to do things that most couples do when they're at a do like this....hold hands the odd time, gaze lovingly into each others eyes while doing the oul slow dance...ah sure, you better REALLY convince people and have a little kiss...but PURELY to help out a friend you understand!

I swear, the more I read back through your posts, the more angry I get! I can't begin to imagine how your g/f feels!

LegacyUser · 07-11-2012 12:30pm

"And for whatever reasons my GF is laying down demands for no good reason."

I feel so sorry for your girlfriend OP. Having to be the 'demanding', 'laying down the law' girlfriend as you are making her out is a role very few girls actually WANT to play. She has a very good reason to be upset, all the posters who have relpied to you have agreed and she is clearly hurt and trying to hold your relationship together despite you ignoring her feelings (which she seems to have made clear!)
Do you think if you ignore her, and go to this dinner with your 'friend' that your GF will forget about it? Do you think pushing bounderies like this is good for ye?

This is a ridiculous situation in my opion, I am not the jealous type but if my BF decided to volunteer to pretend to be anyone elses BF, even for a night, even in front of people I didnt know, I would be really hurt and angry if he ignored hurting me!
It does cross relationship bounderies, its not the same as group nights out, it is inappropriate of your 'friend' to suggest it and even more inappropriate of you to not only agree to go, but to be pushing it this much! No wonder your GF is getting more upset!

I am getting the impression there is more to this, do you fancy this 'friend'?
Does the idea of having a fake relationship for a night appeal to you?
Are you setting up a situation where you WANT this girl to make a move on you? (maybe you have an inckling she will?!)
Are you trying to cause a row with you GF for some other reason?

if none of the above are the case, I cannot understand why you would be upsetting your GF with such nonsense. My company has an annual formal black tie dinner dance, I brought my ex, I was single for 2 years - I brought a friend (female as I wouldnt want my colleagues thinking I was in a relationship when they KNEW i was single!!) and now I bring my BF!
Her request is odd and I cannot understand how you are so blind to that! And its completely normal for single people to go solo... because they are SINGLE!

I hope you can take some of the very good advice being given to you on board and put your relationship and your GF's feelings in front of what I can only see to be blind stubborness.
This seems to be more about you realising that being in a relationship requires different behaviour of you although after 'years' of being with someone i dont know how you are just coming to this realisation now!

LittleBook · 07-11-2012 12:36pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

I'm doing it as a favour for a friend.

You keep saying that ... and if your attitude to your girlfriend and her feelings wasn't so awful, I might actually believe it.

But since your attitude IS so awful, I can easily see she's having difficulty believing it too.

All you're concerned with is your own point of view, you haven't tried for one second to see hers. Maybe if you (and your friend for that matter) had put some thought into it before agreeing ... perhaps even discussed it with your girlfriend rather than telling her you were doing this ... it wouldn't be an issue.

You've handled the situation appallingly.

ash23 · 07-11-2012 12:42pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

Yeh we are going to pretend to be a couple for the night for all the lovely strangers.

I know its fake.
The girl knows its fake.
My GF knows its fake.
The only people that wont know its fake are the strangers.

Who cares what a bunch of strangers think.

Im pissed about this because in my eyes all Im doing is helping a friend out. This thing is really upsetting her because she doesnt want to be "the girl who cant get a date" in front of the all the girls at work. And for whatever reasons my GF is laying down demands for no good reason.

The most we are doing is having a formal slow dance. Its not like we will be doing one of those dances (Im not sure of the name) are all up close and very handsy.

You're not helping a friend out. You are pretending to be someone elses boyfriend. I'm quite liberal but over my dead body would I be ok with my fella pretending to be with someone else to save face.

So what if she doesn't bring a date? Who will actually care? Your friend is needy and childish. Nobody will bat an eyelid over her attending alone. Even people in relationships attend office things alone at times.

It all just sounds ridiculous OP and I can absolutely see where you're GF is coming from. Nobody wants to "loan" out their boyfriend.

movingsucks · 07-11-2012 12:45pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

Yeh we are going to pretend to be a couple for the night for all the lovely strangers.

I know its fake.
The girl knows its fake.
My GF knows its fake.
The only people that wont know its fake are the strangers.

Who cares what a bunch of strangers think.

Your girlfriend and your friend clearly do.
So are you actually going to be introduced as this womans boyfriend?
Someone there could know you or your girlfriend

Im pissed about this because in my eyes all Im doing is helping a friend out. This thing is really upsetting her because she doesnt want to be "the girl who cant get a date" in front of the all the girls at work.

But she can't get a date. She needs to deal with that like an adult instead of playing make believe.

And for whatever reasons my GF is laying down demands for no good reason.

"Whatever reasons" "no good reason"
This is that "winning" thing I was talking about. Are you really concerned for your friend's Soap Oprea or are you just feeling controlled by your girlfriend? Honest question.

username123 · 07-11-2012 12:50pm

So this other girl would be really upset that everyone else in work would be going, with a date, but she wouldnt have one.

Your GF would be really upset if you went on the date with this girl.

You want to go to the dance with the girl so that she wouldnt be really upset, but its ok that your thicko girlfriend is left to be upset.

You sound like a right catch.

Hopefully your GF encourages you to go to the dance, in the form of telling you to sling your hook, then you can pair up with the lisping gorgeous needy girl and you can go to debs type events with her as her real boyfriend.

LegacyUser · 07-11-2012 12:55pm

OP agree with others in that calling your OH thicko has not helped people see your side of the story. If this was an actual debs or hell even a wedding I might see your point. My cousin went to 3 different debs not counting his own - went to one with his actual GF and two with female friends - one whose OH was in hospital and one who was just a single good friend who wanted to go with someone she knew she'd have fun with. No one thought it odd and his GF didn't have issue as he talked to her before hand.

This is a work xmas party and it just sounds beyond odd that they are having something so formal. I've worked in alot of different places and alot of them don't encourage people to bring OH's along depending on size of the company and if they are covering the bar and food costs for the night and even if it's expected that people bring OH's that aren't connected with the company it's normally people who are married or in long term relationships, there is no pressure for single people to bring a date. We've always seen work xmas dos as a chance to hit on the cute guy from accounting you fancy or for people to make idiots out of themselves with drink and a photocopier. The fact it's causing such stress for this girl shows it's a very poor choice for a xmas party and she should just refuse to go.

Neyite · 07-11-2012 1:00pm

I have to say, your friend is good. What she is doing is so subtle its gone waaay over your head its actually quite amusing the way she has manipulated you into a couple situation, but luckily your girlfriend is wise to her poor-likkle-ol-me farce.

So, you are going to pass yourself off as a couple. What happens when somebody tells you to kiss for the camera, or asks how you got together, or you cuddle up on the dance floor to make it more believable. I guarantee that she will try more on than a platonic friend should.

Your friend is playing you, OP. She has got you eating out of her hand - annoyed at your thicko girlfriend over her lack of understanding towards your poor socially awkward yet hot friend. All the while you get the "your girlfriend doesnt understand me big eyes"

Oh yes, she is good.

woodchuck · 07-11-2012 1:03pm

OP, it's YOU that's the thicko here.

The main issue here is that you agreed to do this for your friend without even discussing it with your girlfriend first. You've admitted yourself that you're essentially going on a date with another girl and faking being a couple for the night. I don't know any girl that wouldn't have a problem with this, but you lost all hope of getting her on board with the idea once you stated it as a fact rather than discussing how she might feel about it.

LittleBook · 07-11-2012 1:05pm

Neyite wrote: »

I have to say, your friend is good. What she is doing is so subtle its gone waaay over your head its actually quite amusing

Agreed, except that I'm starting to suspect he's not as clueless as he is pretending to be and is shocked that he couldn't get support here so he could run to "thicko" and tell her we all agree she should cop on. :rolleyes:

P. Breathnach · 07-11-2012 1:06pm

OP, I think you are quite angry about how things have developed, and I put the use of the word "thicko" down to your being cross rather than as an expression of how you truly feel about your gf. Your reaction to some of the responses you are getting here also seem to be rooted in that anger.

Take a deep breath; try to set your anger aside, and think.

It is possible that your real mistake was not in agreeing to do a favour for your friend, but in agreeing to it before consulting your gf. It looks to me as if you and she have an unspoken agreement about socialising without one another, and that it is not usually a problem. If you had asked your gf first, you might have achieved a different result, possibly after negotiations.

You say that you would of course pick your gf over your other friend. That's the choice you are now faced with. Go to her; tell her that; apologise to her for being so presumptuous; tell her that if she is truly unhappy about it you won't go; ask her if you can discuss it as if your friend had made a request to which you had not yet agreed, and that you are now asking her permission. In other words, try to handle it in the way that you should have handled it from the beginning.

LegacyUser · 07-11-2012 1:14pm

movingsucks wrote: »

Your girlfriend and your friend clearly do.

I know I said I wasnt post again.

But I just wanted to say, thats actually a good point I never thought about that.

movingsucks wrote: »

"Whatever reasons" "no good reason"
This is that "winning" thing I was talking about. Are you really concerned for your friend's Soap Oprea or are you just feeling controlled by your girlfriend? Honest question.

I think your right about the winning thing. Just when she flew off the handle and screaming and shouting I started getting defensive thinking "why wont she let me help my friend" then I walked out before I ended up losing the head too. No point in us both standing there screaming lol.

But yeh at this stage its the principle of the whole issue. If she'd talk to me about it mightened be half bad. Or if she'd give me some reasons and not just scream and shout the place down the minute the subject comes up.

Princess Peach · 07-11-2012 1:23pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

To cut a long story short she was really upset about the whole thing in tears etc and asked me would I be her date. I agreed not even thinking it would be an issue.

This part struck me as odd! That you didn't think to ask your girlfriend first.

For example during the summer my boyfriend and his female friend (who is not single) were attending a wedding without their partners. My boyfriend text me to ask if I had a problem with them sharing a twin hotel room to save money, I said of course not, I know her. He said he knew it would be fine but he had to ask before he agreed.

Firstly, it is just correct to think of your girlfriend first and ask if its ok. You are allowed to have female friends, but I would expect my boyfriend to run by me things where he may be in an intimate setting with a friend, a room or a one on one formal date. Its just good manners, and shows you think of your girlfriend's feelings first.

The reason I had no problem with them sharing a room is because I know his friend well, and know there was no reason for her wanting to share the room other than saving money. I can't speak for the kind of person your girlfriend is (jealous or whatever) but in my example, had it been a girl I didn't know, or a girl I maybe had suspicions about her motives, then perhaps I wouldn't have been ok with it.

Look a bit farther into why your girlfriend is feeling like this. It was impolite for you to agree to a formal date without asking, and is there a deeper reason for her to feel uncomfortable?

How would you feel if she did this with a male friend?

07-11-2012 1:46pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

But yeh at this stage its the principle of the whole issue. If she'd talk to me about it mightened be half bad..

You didn't bother talking to her about it.

After reading your insults and excuses, I hope she does dump you. Neyite is right, this other girl is hitting on you and you're all for it and calling the current girlfriend a thicko. Perfect set up for your "friend".

Pippy1976 · 07-11-2012 2:04pm

Your attitude is really odd: you keep repeating that this girl is really upset - going to the dance on her own, having a lisp etc etc.

However, your girlfriend is clearly upset and you obviously don't care one bit.

PRIORITIES???? If your priorities aren't with your partner then your relationship needs some work.

Typer Monkey · 07-11-2012 2:12pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

But yeh at this stage its the principle of the whole issue. If she'd talk to me about it mightened be half bad. Or if she'd give me some reasons and not just scream and shout the place down the minute the subject comes up.

Right so now it's the principle of the thing.. You are still making your girlfriend out to be the unreasonable one for being upset. Have you taken anything on board that every single poster has pointed out to you? YOU are in the wrong here yet you are still refusing to acknowledge that.

Are you always this stubborn, uncaring and unreasonable?

woodchuck · 07-11-2012 2:32pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

But yeh at this stage its the principle of the whole issue. If she'd talk to me about it mightened be half bad. Or if she'd give me some reasons and not just scream and shout the place down the minute the subject comes up.

So it's at the point where you're basically being stubborn and trying to win an argument? Grow up.

You want her to talk to you, but you didn't even have the curtosy to talk to her about it? You have a lot of grovelling to do if you want to salvage this relationship...

Pippy1976 · 07-11-2012 4:24pm

I'm so puzzled by this scenario, I really am. You came here looking for advice but you didn't get what you wanted and you've decided not to post again and at least make an attempt at understanding where you're girlfriend is coming from.

It seems to be habit of yours: bailing at the first sign of confrontation / disagreement.

Confused Guy wrote: »

I know I said I wasnt post again.

But I just wanted to say, thats actually a good point I never thought about that.

I think your right about the winning thing. Just when she flew off the handle and screaming and shouting I started getting defensive thinking "why wont she let me help my friend" then I walked out before I ended up losing the head too. No point in us both standing there screaming lol.

But yeh at this stage its the principle of the whole issue. If she'd talk to me about it mightened be half bad. Or if she'd give me some reasons and not just scream and shout the place down the minute the subject comes up.

username123 · 07-11-2012 4:26pm

Pippy1976 wrote: »

It seems to be habit of yours: bailing at the first sign of confrontation / disagreement.

I would have called it: an absolute inability to see another point of view when it disagrees with his own.

Pippy1976 · 07-11-2012 4:29pm

username123 wrote: »

I would have called it: an absolute inability to see another point of view when it disagrees with his own.

Well, yes, eloquently put and quite on the money.

Oryx · 07-11-2012 4:58pm

If you want your gf to have any hope of agreeing to this she needs to meet this girl, to suss her out and establish ground rules. Its your only hope. (If she has already met her then she is clearly upset because she can see what you cant - that the girl is making a play for you). And you need to apologise for being so insensitive.

And your friend IS making a play for you. A goodlooking girl cant get a date? Rubbish. Neither you nor her friends have single mates she can hook up with for the night? Total rubbish. She wants you as more than a friend. Youre blind if you cant see that.

--LOS-- · 07-11-2012 5:16pm

I'm afraid I'm with everyone else on this, and it's not often that I read threads where everyone is on the same page so really OP you should have a long think about this one if you want to save your relationship.

You and this friend of yours just strike me as very immature. This girl really needs to grow up, being worried about how her co-workers might perceive her if she doesn't have a date, come on, sounds like her school days are long over so I think this attitude is utterly pathetic. What's even weirder though is that you would jeopardise your relationship in order for your friends self-esteem not to suffer a slight dent, because that's all that would happen, yet you show no understanding for how this situation might make your gf feel. Really, think about that, you are going above and beyond helping a friend out while showing no respect for your girlfriend.

I find it quite odd too that a number of people have now pointed out how disgusting it is that you referred to your girlfriend as a 'thicko' but you've never apologised, or excused it for a heat of the moment thing. If I was your gf I would be seeing a lot of red flags right about now.

blatantrereg · 07-11-2012 6:07pm

Good looking girls dont usually have problems getting dates for big occasions. Have you considered that her upset was fake so that you would go with her?

ViveLaVie · 07-11-2012 6:53pm

Confused Guy wrote: »

Im with my GF a few years and shes not really the jealous type ...This other girl is really good looking by the way, but she has huge social issues (she has a slight lisp and it gets her down a lot).

...she was really upset about the whole thing in tears etc and asked me would I be her date. I agreed not even thinking it would be an issue.

Later that night at my house my GF flips her cap. "You and her are going to spend the night together slow dancing and getting drunk", "Shes going to be presenting you to the whole world as her boyfriend" and all this kinda thing.

I told her Id be the girls "date" and not her boyfriend. Then she went crazy altogether, "so my boyfriend is dating some other girl and doesnt see a problem with it". As soon as she said that I walked out.

Shes such a thicko. Im not doing this because I fancy her or something. Im doing it as a favour for a friend. This girl is *really* upset/depressed that everyone in work is going and everyone else has a date already and she doesnt. If she cancels it will look bad. If she turns up with no date it will look bad. Im not really "dating" her. Just going out, having some dinner, some wine/champagne and then some dancing for an hour or two, have our photos taken, and then back home again. I cant see what the problem is to be honest. Its not like I'll be staying at hers or in a hotel that night.

If your GF isn't the jealous type does it not strike you as odd that she is so uneasy with this situation? Perhaps it's because she can clearly see that this is not a normal scenario.

This other girl is very good looking and got really upset because she can't get a date? Strikes me as very odd. Why can't she get a date? Has she tried? She is a looker so it shouldn't be a problem. Has she no single male friends she could ask?

Getting 'depressed' over a work do is also very weird. If your friend gets that upset over something as trivial as this (after all if she is very good looking people will assume she didn't bring a date out of choice) then she has deeper problems and you attending won't even be a drop in the ocean on the way to cheering her up permanently.

You seem to care a lot about this friend's feelings, which is very nice, but do you not care about your GF's feelings? Also, calling her a thicko is just unacceptable.

Confused Guy wrote: »

I never said I "cared more" about this other girl. If I had to pick between them then of course Id pick my GF. And she knows that.

If I wanted to cheat on her I simply wouldnt have said anything about the dance, and then on the night I would have told her Im going out with a few lads.

Oh and to answer your question, my GF goes clubbing at weekends (while Im working) with her group of mates were they get hammered drunk. Her group of mates is more men then girls and includes her ex that she had LTR with. And I'll assume there is other men in the club that are a lot more goodlooking than me. And Im going to assume that each night at least one man will make a pass at her. And I also assume that she has the decency to do the right thing and say no to them.

Im going to a dance as a favour to a friend, were it will be light drinking (not getting smashed drunk), a dinner around a huge table were everybody is chatting (not a candlelit dinner for two) and then an hour of waltzing/ballroom dancing. Sure people might think Im her boyfriend but to be honest I dont really care what some strangers think of me.

I fail to the see the problem here?

The situation at present requires you to choose between your GF and your friend... Yet you seem to be choosing your friend?

Your GF goes out in a group dynamic. You are attending as this girl's date. Date as in romantic interest. You will be with this very attractive girl who you clearly care about (and who can clearly manipulate you into intimate situations with her rather easily) all night in an intimate context whereby you are posing as her boyfriend. This is not the same as your GF going on nights out with large groups of friends or seeing a good looking boy in a club for whom she has no feelings whatsoever.

You don't care about these strangers but your friend does and your GF cares about the potential danger of this situation very much. So the problem lies in whose feelings you care about more - those of your hot 'socially awkward' friend or your GF whom you love.

Confused Guy wrote: »

Im starting to think you lot are all mates with my GF her or something.

Seriously. We are going to a friggin dinner, and then having a dance after it. I cant see the issue.

Yeh we are going to pretend to be a couple for the night for all the lovely strangers.

I know its fake.
The girl knows its fake.
My GF knows its fake.
The only people that wont know its fake are the strangers.

Who cares what a bunch of strangers think.

Im pissed about this because in my eyes all Im doing is helping a friend out. This thing is really upsetting her because she doesnt want to be "the girl who cant get a date" in front of the all the girls at work. And for whatever reasons my GF is laying down demands for no good reason.

The most we are doing is having a formal slow dance. Its not like we will be doing one of those dances (Im not sure of the name) are all up close and very handsy.

You are not just going to a dance and dinner. You are going as her DATE. This is a role you should play only for your actual GF. You admit you are actually going to pretend to be a real couple. Er... For what exactly?? So your hot friend doesn't look like she can't get a date? Sorry but that is absolutely farcical. I find it impossible to believe that this girl couldn't get a date. Even if she couldn't that is not a reason to ask someone who is taken to go with her and trick her colleagues into thinking you are her BF, especially when your actual real life GF is unhappy with it. Think about this - you actually care more about being a 'fake' BF to this girl than a REAL one to your GF!

How exactly are you going to deceive them anyway? Hug and kiss her? Call her baby? What if they have another work do and she can't get a date then either? Will you be there then too? And when she has a wedding or other social event? Will you attend all of them too so that she doesn't feel sad?

Confused Guy wrote: »

Im going to leave it at this as my last post.

I just wish someone could see it from my point of view. Ive been mates with this girl for years now. This thing is really upsetting her. I can solve all her problems by just going and meeting the girls she works with and been her "date" for the night. Yeh those girl will think we went back to hers and had a wild night... but who cares. I dont know those girls. My girlfriend doesnt know them. Whats the problem?

The way I see it is this. My girlfriend is getting all pissy because of something a bunch of strangers might think. And she would rather I let my friend suffer.

Im not saying my friend should be getting all worked up about what the girls at work think of her, but there ya go, she does care.

And the way I see it now is, most people here are jumping to my GF's defence. Criticising everything I say and telling me what theyd do to me if they were my GF. I just wanted some advice on how the hell Im supposed to make my girlfriend relax a bit and see it from my point of view.

Its just a bloody favour Im doing. If it was my best guy mate asking me to go a gay bar in a different county and pretend be his date for the night and just have some dinner and a dance Id say yeh. Might feel a bit weird, but if it was leaving him in tears then yeh Id be a decent mate and play along and be his "date".

Thanks to the one or two who didnt jump down my throat and actually tried to help me out.

You wish people could see it from your point of view yet you refuse to see it from your GF's. Yeah you've been mates with this girl for years and she is really upset. Guess what? You have also been going out with your GF for years and she is ALSO upset. Who trumps who here?

Can you not see that everyone on here agrees with your GF because frankly you are in the wrong. If you persist in going on this date then I suspect you will probably lose your GF or at the very least do irreparable damage to the relationship.

Why on earth can your friend just not go or invite another friend? Seriously? You haven't given any logical reason as to why not. Why do you care so much about her feelings but not your girlfriend's? I suspect you secretly want to go on the date and would enjoy playing the part of this girl's BF or else that you know she is making a move on you and you enjoy the attention.

Your GF isn't pissy because of what strangers might think. She is hurt because you don't care about her feelings and she doesn't want you in any kind of intimate situation with this girl. You would be behaving towards her in a way that should be reserved for your GF. She doesn't rather your friend suffers although you are making it clear that you would rather your actual GF suffers emotionally than your friend (and tbh your friend's 'suffering' sounds contrived, ridiculous and fabricated).

If it's just a 'bloody favour' then why are BOTH your friend and your GF so invested in it? Why is it so important to them? Why is it so important to YOU that you get to actually do it?

The gay friend scenario isn't the same because you are not gay. You have already said you think this girl is good looking and you obviously care about her. In this intimate scenario where you treat her like a girlfriend then your actual GF is absolutely entitled to feel threatened. I would be inclined to think your friend is actually trying to hit on you and your GF probably thinks the same.

Confused Guy wrote: »

I know I said I wasnt post again.

But I just wanted to say, thats actually a good point I never thought about that.

I think your right about the winning thing. Just when she flew off the handle and screaming and shouting I started getting defensive thinking "why wont she let me help my friend" then I walked out before I ended up losing the head too. No point in us both standing there screaming lol.

But yeh at this stage its the principle of the whole issue. If she'd talk to me about it mightened be half bad. Or if she'd give me some reasons and not just scream and shout the place down the minute the subject comes up.

There is no principle in this. To say it's about winning is childish. You should care more about your actual relationship. You need to listen to your GF first (since you never actually did) before you criticise her for not listening to you.

MistyCheese · 07-11-2012 6:58pm

ViveLaVie wrote: »

If your gf isn't the jealous type does it not strike you as odd that she is so uneasy with this situation? Perhaps it's because she can clearly see that this is not a normal scenario.

If the OPs girlfriend is not usually jealous but is wary of this proposed situation it's entirely possible that she has picked up on the warm feelings her boyfriend has for his "really good looking" friend.

Infinitejester · 07-11-2012 8:33pm

When I read the start of this thread I was thinking along the lines of "of course you can go to a dinner/Xmas party with a mate, the girlfriend is being a bit unreasonable here" but as it progressed it has just gotten ridiculous.

You say it's "about the principle", what principle? That you should be able to act however you want, and essentially date another girl for a night, without taking your girlfriends feelings into account?!

Grow up OP.

Esoteric_ · 07-11-2012 8:36pm

To be totally honest, if I were as straight forward as I want to be right now, I'd be infracted or banned, so I'll attempt to stay very polite.

OP, I can understand you wanting to help a friend. I've gone to balls and work things with friends who had no dates, and it was all purely platonic. However, I ALWAYS ran it by the person I was dating, and made sure it was okay with him. He was fine with it because the few times I did it, it was for very close friends who he also knew really well.

Thing is, you didn't ask your girlfriend, you told her! Of course she'll get upset, because it's showing a huge lack of respect that you'd dump it on her rather than asking her and talking about it first.

The other thing that strikes me as odd is that you readily admit that you're going to pretend to be your friend's boyfriend. That's completely not on! When I went to balls and work dos with friends, we made it clear from the start that we were nothing more than friends. The reason they asked me wasn't because they couldn't get a date, it was because I was a good laugh (according to them!) and know how to hold my own in a professional environment, and we were close friends so they knew I wouldn't embarrass them. But we made it clear we were friends! There was absolutely NO assumption that we were together, because my friends weren't childish enough to feel a desperate urge to have a girlfriend.

Frankly, I think your 'friend' is desperate for more. NO 'really good looking' girl is going to struggle to find a date. Ffs, I'm barely average looking and I could get a date tomorrow if I wanted one!

It's admirable that you're taking your friend's feelings into consideration, but you're not taking on board how your girlfriend feels. That's why it looks to us boardsies as if you care more for your friend than your girlfriend.

I would be fine with my boyfriend (if I had one!) going to a ball with a female friend. My ex did twice, and it wasn't an issue. What I'd have issue with is the fact that this friend clearly fancies you and you're pretending to be her boyfriend. Sorry, but do you not see how odd that is? That's not normal behaviour!

As for how to get your girlfriend to calm down about it - she won't. Her reaction (the screaming) might have been worse than just talking to you about it, but it's clear you will not change your mind and I'm sorry, but she's completely in the right.

Op, you're wrong. I'm sorry, but you are completely, 100%, undoubtedly wrong. Have some more respect for your girlfriend and have some more cop on and common sense when it comes to this 'friend.'

wandatowell · 07-11-2012 10:31pm

Ever think about breaking up with your GF and getting with your friend??

Ares · 07-11-2012 11:16pm

In fairness, if the 'friend' being taken to the debs was 20 stone or considered quite ugly would there by any of this furore?

Hell he'd be probably be seen as a great guy and his girlfriend would think that he's an extrememly nice and charitable man.

But because the friend is good looking then suddenly he's the bad guy?

Dancing Problems

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