Disgusting Comment by "Friend" - MOD WARNING POST 2

LegacyUser

Honestly as I write this I don’t even know how to begin…

I am 27- Im with my 30 year old husband 9 years and we got married in the last month. We bought a home 3 years ago and we have no kids as of yet- we are financially ready now and hoping to start a family next year.

Halloween has always been fun time for us…I love it and have fond memories of it from childhood… I always do the house up…trick or treaters are welcome for sweets, - and so many of our friends and family bring their kids over so I make burgers and chips for when they call- and the nieces and nephews watch cartoons and eat while the adults have a cuppa (and maybe a beer for the ones who aren’t driving)

However a friend of mine made a comment to me (it was said full of drink) that the way I build my house up on halloween was a childs funhouse and it was disgusting. She said to outsiders it looks like im trying to lure kids in. Then she called my husband <Mod Snip - name of celebrity accused of rape/child abuse in UK> .. thinking she was funny.

This womans been trying for kids the last 5 years and was told by her doctor she was too fat to conceive, Her and her husband got loads of tests and all the doc said was wrong was her weight but she wont accept it..

My husband thinks that she is jealous that we are trying to start a family. I have not told anyone we are trying because I do not want to tempt fate but my husband got so excited he told her husband and then she says that stuff. I have a lot of nieces and nephews and mind them all the time and she roared this out with them in the next room. I don’t even know why she came over , she was half pissed on her way to a party at 7pm and just walked in the door. She was pushed straight out by my sisters and told to piss off.

I have since gotten a text from her husband and all it said was “ well girl , listen XXXXXXX is sorry she was drunk.

I text back and said “Your wife yelled out my husband was <mod snip - same celebrity> in front of a room of my family- and told me I was trying to Lure kids into my house” and all she can do is get you to text “Sorry” on her behalf? Seriously???

I got back “XXXXXXX said to calm the hell down for yourself and you need to learn how to take a f***ing joke”

I cant take that as a joke… My husband agrees with me- but poor crater he is on my side. Id like an opinion of an outsider please

Thank you xxxxxxxxxx

Taltos

Can I please remind posters to keep on topic and not to get into any discussions on specific individuals currently in the media (or their co-accused). As there may be legal activities in the UK we need to ensure that there is no further mention of this individual or anything he is being accused of.

Due to the seriousness of the accusations in the UK any comments here will be deleted and the poster may receive an immediate ban with no prior warning.

Thanks
Taltos

tinkerbell

Your "friend" sounds like a right muppet. I'd probably just drop her as a friend. What she said was appalling, it actually was horrific, and I think - not forgiveable. She sounds like a jealous twat and who needs people like that in your life? You're not overreacting and saying stuff like that is not stuff you joke about.

StillWaters

What a totally wierd comment. I was going to say she us clearly very unhappy and desperate for a baby, and to give her the benefit of the doubt, but after the 2nd text sent, it would seem she is not sorry at all.

It's also very wierd that she is sending texts via her partner, what's with that?

Perhaps send her a text directly saying you were hurt by her comment, and allow her to reply directly. I certainly wouldn't be inviting her back to my house again.

philologos

fisdnkhthts wrote: »

Honestly as I write this I don’t even know how to begin…

I am 27- Im with my 30 year old husband 9 years and we got married in the last month. We bought a home 3 years ago and we have no kids as of yet- we are financially ready now and hoping to start a family next year.

Halloween has always been fun time for us…I love it and have fond memories of it from childhood… I always do the house up…trick or treaters are welcome for sweets, - and so many of our friends and family bring their kids over so I make burgers and chips for when they call- and the nieces and nephews watch cartoons and eat while the adults have a cuppa (and maybe a beer for the ones who aren’t driving)

However a friend of mine made a comment to me (it was said full of drink) that the way I build my house up on halloween was a childs funhouse and it was disgusting. She said to outsiders it looks like im trying to lure kids in. Then she called my husband <Mod Snip - name of celebrity accused of rape/child abuse in UK> .. thinking she was funny.

This womans been trying for kids the last 5 years and was told by her doctor she was too fat to conceive, Her and her husband got loads of tests and all the doc said was wrong was her weight but she wont accept it..

My husband thinks that she is jealous that we are trying to start a family. I have not told anyone we are trying because I do not want to tempt fate but my husband got so excited he told her husband and then she says that stuff. I have a lot of nieces and nephews and mind them all the time and she roared this out with them in the next room. I don’t even know why she came over , she was half pissed on her way to a party at 7pm and just walked in the door. She was pushed straight out by my sisters and told to piss off.

I have since gotten a text from her husband and all it said was “ well girl , listen XXXXXXX is sorry she was drunk.

I text back and said “Your wife yelled out my husband was <mod snip - same celebrity> in front of a room of my family- and told me I was trying to Lure kids into my house” and all she can do is get you to text “Sorry” on her behalf? Seriously???

I got back “XXXXXXX said to calm the hell down for yourself and you need to learn how to take a f***ing joke”

I cant take that as a joke… My husband agrees with me- but poor crater he is on my side. Id like an opinion of an outsider please

Thank you xxxxxxxxxx

Talk to her directly not her husband and call her out on it, explain how it felt and hopefully she herself will apologize.

Abi

I'd have no patience for the likes of her. I wouldn't call her a friend for starters. She turned your generosity towards the children into something seedy, which I think is sick in itself.

Honestly, people like her are toxic, and I'd cut her off sharpish. Her weight could cause gestational diabetes amongst a whole host of other problems, if she put as much effort into getting rid of a bit of weight as she does with her nastiness she wouldn't be making such ridiculous comments. Or you'd like to hope so..

Get on with your life OP, without the begrudger.

Payton

Well that is some friend. How long do you know this person? I personally wouldn't let the issue if her being drunk as a way of easing herself out of this, the way she behaved, acted especially with children and family present is in my opinion unforgivable.
I'd put this to rest very quickly. Meet up with her and tell her how exactly how you feel, your hurt, disgust and don't let her use the "I was drunk" tool.
Personally if I were in your shoes Id be sending one less Christmas card this year.

Big Bag of Chips

I guess the texts came directly from her. She just sent them from his phone in some sort of cowardly way to hide behind him.

I can't imagine after attempting to send an apology and clear the air he would have then sent the 2nd text. Unless he's as equally disgusting as she is.

Honestly, if it was me.. I'd do nothing now. Not a thing. I wouldn't contact her. I wouldn't send her a text telling her she upset you (she already knows). I wouldn't give her any more of my time.

She may approach you to apologise. She may approach you pretending nothing happened and hoping you'll forget. Or she may never speak to you again.

If she does contact you it is entirely up to you how yoy react to that. If you think she is genuine and seems honestly sorry and upset by her comment you can think about forgiving her. If she approaches you with the attitude of 'get over yourself', you can just end your friendship.

There are people who think they can say what they like to whom they like. It's up to us, as individuals to let people know what is and isn't acceptable to us. It's ok to not want to laugh off a 'joke' like that, and it's ok to let her know that.

Merkin

I wouldn't let her darken my door again.The fact that she is not only vile and nasty but the very fact that she has so little substance to her to apologise herself just says it all. Don't go getting into slanging matches or text wars, just don't have her in your home ever again and keep her at a distance, she's not a friend.

LittleBook

Sometimes peoples true colours come blazing through (in vino veritas) and if I was you I would simply see this person for what she is ... a bitter, begrudging fool ... and move on. Do not take any of this personally, what she said speaks volumes about her and nothing at all about you or your husband.

And, for the record, Halloween at your place sounds fantastic! Don't let this bint ruin it and continue to enjoy it with the friends who DO appreciate it.

I don't think it's that bad to be honest.

I mean, I think it's bad, and I think this woman needs to be told that you don't ever want to see her again, but I think the comment itself just needs to be forgotten about. There's nothing to it, it's not true, so just forget about it. Texting you through a third party that she was sorry she was drunk (rather than sorry for what she said) is pretty juvenile too.

Just wipe it all from your memory, and her from your life.

ElleEm

Wow, what a cruel thing for her to say, drunk or not!
She is clearly having issues of her own, but I would be concerned if any of my friends actually had the inclination to say something so horrible to myself or my partner.

The half assed "apology" was ridiculous. I wouldn't make any effort with her until SHE contacts you with a proper apology.

Stavro Mueller

I think the half assed apology is worse in some ways than what she said. I'm sure her head is not a happy place because of the kids issue and that can drive people a bit bonkers. She said some awful things but her behaviour since then raises question marks. If she was genuinely sorry and horrified like any reasonable person should be, she would've either called on her own phone or asked to meet you to apologise in person. Seeing as she won't take responsibility for her weight in order to maybe have kids, it looks like she isn't the sort of person who is willing to accept she is wrong.

xzanti

As someone else has said, she is TOXIC..

Cut the b1tch loose.. she sounds bitter and twisted and she will be no loss to your life.

clarbar

extremely bitter woman, best off OP staying away from this woman , she seems jealous and very hateful to make a comment like that is just low

Neyite

Who needs friends like that?

It was mean spirited and I think that even alluding that men are peadophiles, even in jest, is hurtful in the extreme and can have wider consequences, in terms of rumours.

I'd drop her - she had her chance to apologise and tried to throw it back on you. Unless she comes back with a heartfelt apology I wouldnt contact her again.

Infertility is devestating, yes, but wouldnt excuse that kind of comment ever.

Handsome Bob

The first thing I'd say OP is just consider if it's friendship worth saving. Are you close to her?

If so, let her stew and come back with a genuine apology. If she doesn't, well, just move on.

edellc

Op I have read your post and the replies you have received and I have to agree with most of them.

Your "friend" sounds like she has a nasty streak which is never a good characteristic to have and tbh even if you do work things out I dont think they will ever go back to how they where before as we can all forgive but forgetting is very hard to do and makes us weary of those that have wronged us.

But for me she is not someone who I would want in my circle of friends and around my children if she has a mouth like that, its is a bad as being racist or sexist and there is no need for any of it.

The next bit I dont think you will like but I'm saying it anyway, I think you have been nasty too in your post, maybe its down to anger I dont know but using someones weight at a weapon against them and spitting it out as you have done in your post is just as nasty, her weight is irrelevant to your story there was no need to tell of that at all. I do think you brought yourself down to her level as it reads as very tit for tat on your behalf from that one comment you made. Maybe you didnt mean it like that but to me thats how it reads and makes you no better than her as you have now both made nasty comments about each other. The only difference is she said it to your face you said it behind her back...which is worse?

DeltaWhite

She's just twisting the knife because she obviously hates herself for being overweight and not being able to conceive, and takes it out on people who she feels hard done by.


Tell her to jog on.. might help her lose some weight

username123

In the current climate of child abuse being the ultimate media witchhunt, she chose to make the most offensive comment possible to you.

Possibly if the current climate was something different, she would have chosen some different insult.

However, what she has said is unforgivable IMO. You absolutely can not and do not use the slur of paedophila (as an insult) against someone in this day and age. It would be, IMO, as socially unacceptable as walking into someones home and spewing racial abuse.

I would absolutely cut this person out of my life. I wouldnt be interested in having an individual who would be prepared to level such a filthy insult at me in my own home, completely unwarranted.

I would be worried about someone who views such ordinary and innocent entertainment of children in such a light. Thats a dangerous person right there, someone who could cause a lot of trouble for an innocent person in life.

Handsome Bob

edellc wrote: »

The next bit I dont think you will like but I'm saying it anyway, I think you have been nasty too in your post, maybe its down to anger I dont know but using someones weight at a weapon against them and spitting it out as you have done in your post is just as nasty, her weight is irrelevant to your story there was no need to tell of that at all.

I don't think that is really true, all the OP said was that her friend was told by doctors that her weight is preventing her from conceiving, and this is why the OP feels she was so hurtful. I don't think the OP was derogatory at all.

edellc

S. De Sousa wrote: »

I don't think that is really true, all the OP said was that her friend was told by doctors that her weight is preventing her from conceiving, and this is why the OP feels she was so hurtful. I don't think the OP was derogatory at all.

What she said is irrelevant to her story there was no need to mention it at all and bringing it into it is nasty

eviltwin

Its a nasty comment and totally out of order but I wouldn't just drop her.

First I'd ask myself is this out of character or is there a history of these comments? If it came out of the blue I think for my own peace of mind I would want to talk to her and find out what was behind it. It could be she is jealous of your plans to start a family, it could be something else. I would want to know.

But on the flip side if she is going to be like this now imagine how much worse she might be if you do have a baby.

My heart goes out to her, it must be awful when you see people going forward with their lives and you can't but she has to deal with it and not turn on the people around her, it will just destroy her otherwise.

She needs to know she can't use you or anyone else as her emotional punch bag, she needs to acknowledge the danger of the comments and the hurt they caused and maybe then you can move forward but if she continues to act like you are the one with the problem then I would do as the others say and cut her out of your life.

shinikins

edellc wrote: »

What she said is irrelevant to her story there was no need to mention it at all and bringing it into it is nasty

It wasn't mentioned in a nasty or spiteful way, merely to explain why her husband felt the woman was jealous.

O, I would drop this ''friendship'' now, this woman clearly can't face up to her own actions, and instead is placing the blame for her horrible comments on your shoulders. If she had called and said gosh, I had a bit too much to drink, and said something stupid, I'm so sorry, I could forgive that and move on. However, she chose to firstly hide behind her husband, then become combative when you told her how upset you were. Are you supposed to forgive any comment she makes because it is "a joke"?? NOT a healthy relationship to have with anyone, imo.

edellc

shinikins wrote: »

It wasn't mentioned in a nasty or spiteful way, merely to explain why her husband felt the woman was jealous.

It is still irrelevant to the story a simple she and her husband are having difficulties conceiving would have done but to bring someones physical appearance into it is nasty and it does read as a nasty and spiteful comment, you may not think so but I do

Either way this "friend" should never have said what she did, she probably thought she was being "funny" which she is clearly not being and she has crossed a line that for me there is no going back from, as I said even if they do patch things up its unlikely the friendship will ever be as it was before as there is no taking back what was put out there.

Taltos

edellc, shikikins - PI/RI is not the place for discussions, please take it elsewhere.

Thanks
Taltos

movingsucks

Does your friend have form for this kind of comment? Does she say things like that when sober?

I don't think it needs to be said again that she's jealous and bitter, I'd just give her a wide birth for a long time. She probably did have a "oh f**k I actually said that out loud" moment when the sobered up the next day but she was probably thinking the comments already.( Not that she thinks you are trying to lure children into your gingerbread house of course, just that it's OTT by her standards or she just hates to see other people having fun. )
Soooo now she's trying to push the "problem" back on you by trying to make out "ah it was only a joke get a life" etc.
Now you're the one being uptight and she's the wounded party so she can absolve herself of blame.
Just ignore her for a bit and then decide if you want to continue the friendship

Hoochiemama

Sounds to me like she is jealous of what you have. Having a holiday where you have alot of kids around and a husband who shares this love. She said those comments to make herself feel better and to "up herself" against you.

Its a true reflection of how unhappy she is with her life and her lot. Which IMO is just sad and I pity her a bit.

LegacyUser

edellc wrote: »

I think you have been nasty too in your post, maybe its down to anger I dont know but using someones weight at a weapon against them and spitting it out as you have done in your post is just as nasty, her weight is irrelevant to your story there was no need to tell of that at all.

The reason I mentioned her weight was just to tell people that she is not infertile due to problems with her or her husband, it was because of her weight and she has been told that by several different doctors, and that her snide remarks couldnt be excused as devestation over being infertile because its something she can fix but she wont.

tony81

I could take the comment as a joke , but it depends on who said it. In the case of your fat friend though, given the nastiness behind it, I'd use it as an opportunity to burn bridges.

LegacyUser

She does have a little bit of form for nasty comments but this is the 1st time shes ever done anything like this to me, A friend just had her 3rd child and she told me that she said to her "Ya sure the kids your husbands" in the hospital in front of her other kids.

She used to be a very nice person, shes become so sneery and angry latley.Ive known her 8 years and the person she has become i really do not like, and she has lost a lot of friends the last year over the way she has been.

I recieved this message this morning from her

"Are you seriously going to make a big issue over this? IT WAS A JOKE! You know what a joke is dont you??? God your such a f***in drama arse Jane if u said that to me id think it was the funniest thing ever! Go off on your high horse so if thats how you feel but you are going to end up with NO FRIENDS because u cant take a joke. F***ing twit!

Very mature

Starokan

Drunk Friend cracks bad bad joke, Very annoying & your totally right to be so put out. Apology made through friends husband (in theory although more likely her), the apology was the right thing to do but in this case I feel it should have been made in person by her calling you and your husband.

Her reaction to your text back says it all for me. If you can't apologise when you mess up big time there is something seriously amiss with you in my opinion.

movingsucks

thisistheop wrote: »

She does have a little bit of form for nasty comments but this is the 1st time shes ever done anything like this to me, A friend just had her 3rd child and she told me that she said to her "Ya sure the kids your husbands" in the hospital in front of her other kids.

She used to be a very nice person, shes become so sneery and angry latley.Ive known her 8 years and the person she has become i really do not like, and she has lost a lot of friends the last year over the way she has been.

I recieved this message this morning from her

"Are you seriously going to make a big issue over this? IT WAS A JOKE! You know what a joke is dont you??? God your such a f***in drama arse Jane if u said that to me id think it was the funniest thing ever! Go off on your high horse so if thats how you feel but you are going to end up with NO FRIENDS because u cant take a joke. F***ing twit!

Very mature

I think you know what to do now.

edellc

edellc wrote: »

her weight is irrelevant to your story there was no need to tell of that at all.

Have to say. I disagree.
The context in which the woman's weight is brought up, is to demonstrate her lack of self awareness.

edellc wrote: »

The only difference is she said it to your face you said it behind her back...which is worse?

Call me a fatty a hundred thousand times, before you falsely accuse me of being a kiddy fiddler in front of my family thanks.


OP. I think this has gone past the level of forgive and forget.
Nothing can excuse that behavior.

username123

Moonbaby wrote: »

Call me a fatty a hundred thousand times, before you falsely accuse me of being a kiddy fiddler in front of my family thanks.

Commenting on someones weight is a statement of fact. Calling someone a paedophile is accusing them of a particularly despicable criminal act. The two are unrelated and not comparable.

OP, we can only go on what you are posting but if that text message is genuinely the wording used I would eject this person from my life faster than you can say paedophile. I mean, I honestly do not know any circumstance where I would accept being spoken to with that level of profanity, from anyone!! And this on top of an accusation of paedophilia? I mean, you actually have a genuine legal case for slander against this person given what she has said about you and your husband, and then she follows it up with a vile profane text message? Urgh, I actually shiver to think that anyone lets anyone address them like that. She sounds absolutely vile.

d9oiu2wk07blr5

OP, personally I'd have nothing more to do with either her or her husband. I wouldn't even bother replying to any of her texts etc. She's not a "friend".

tinkerbell

Judging from the last text, OP I would drop her like a hot potato. She's a rotten mean nasty person - to say that she is getting so nasty about it now speaks volumes, she is rotten to the core. Either (a) ignore her completely or (b) text her back and say that you no longer consider her to be a friend and the friendship is over. She has had multiple opportunity now to apologise and she's getting very abusive towards you. Life is too short to waste it on twats like her, there's no point remaining in a friendship which doesn't give you any joy. End of!

Stavro Mueller

It's up to you what to do now but I should think it'd be very hard to stay friends with her after this. Those comments, along with with what she said to her other friend, point towards a very angry bitter woman who has problems.

curlzy

OP, you've lost nothing here, napalm that bridge I say! But keep those texts, she sounds a bit psycho, what if she goes around starting rumours about your husband? It would be very handy to have those texts in case you hear of any rumours going around, you'll be able to whip out your phone and prove an disgusting rumours untrue!

Luca Brasi

What sobriety conceals drunkeness reveals.

Esoteric_

You said she has form for this, and what she said to another friend in front of her children was absolutely disgusting!

She sounds like the type of person who likes to insult everyone around her, but mask it as a 'joke.' That way, she can jump up on her high horse when people take offence to her 'hilarious jokes.'

She sounds like a toxic person and if someone ever said that to me, I'd be cutting them off without a second thought.

Joking about paedophilia is disgusting in itself, but to imply that you and your husband are trying to lure children to your house? That's absolutely vile.

The text that she sent herself today is honestly just proof of what a horrible person she is.

She's clearly not a very happy person, to feel the need to insult you and your other friends in such a nasty, bitchy, disgusting manner. Her 'jokes' are not funny in the slightest, she's just using the 'joke' facade to insult everyone around her, probably because she's not happy in herself.

Cut her off without a second thought, OP. I really hope you didn't reply to that ridiculous message today! Don't even give her your time, she is not worth it.

zxcvbnm1

To be honest OP I think you over reacted to the initial 'joke'.
It was certainly not even remotely funny (putting the inappropriatenes aside). But obviously it was a joke (albeit a rubbish one) - one that made her look bad if anything. Obviously no one would think anything different of you based in the comment.

However - I would absolutely dump her due to text she sent to you. That was outrageous. I would be far more put out by that.

castaway_lady

Delete the texts, delete her. She's clearly taking out her frustrations and denial at her own situation on yee. The drink brought out the mean streak that she can otherwise go a long way towards concealing. If she had unfixable conception problems she's be frustrated and sad perhaps, but the nature of what you said she has is all her own doing, consciously or subconsciously she knows this and isn't tackling it but instead lashing out as a reaction to not being able to take control of what she needs to be doing herself. (I think Dr Phil would agree).

Just think and say "thats not our style" and leave them in the past. Look at it this way, do you want her around when your future offspring arrive? (best of luck with that btw)

0000879k

Simple solution put in the wise words of one of my favourite radio presenters - Faze her out

Handsome Bob

Luca Brasi wrote: »

What sobriety conceals drunkeness reveals.

I don't think that's always the truth. I've said some utterly retarded **** when drunk, stuff I wouldn't have given a seconds thought too when sober. But in the op's mate's case, she's undoubtedly digging herself a bigger and bigger hole.

hdowney

I would deffo be cutting her out. You do not need nasty toxic people like that in your life. Whatever her reason for being this way there is NO REASON to be this way (if you know what I mean) You do NOT treat your friends like that and I am sorry but no it was not just a joke. You should NEVER joke about things like that. What if someone overheard and took it up wrong and reported your husband to the police as a suspected peadophile? Seriously that girl is twisted and you and your husband are better off well away from her.

On another note, can I come to Halloween next year? It sounds amazing

dollypet

Halloween at your house sounds unreal.
This woman sounds unfunny, vile, snide and crass. You do not call someone a pedophile. Not in any day and age. NEVER.
Also the drunk excuse is not working for me- I've said things with drink that I simply do not mean and have begged forgiveness the next day.
The text messages? Compounding the initial insult.

Cut her loose OP and dont look back.

Also cant get preggers, knows the reason why and wont fix the extremely fixable problem? Doesnt really want kids.

LegacyUser

Stand tall and firm OP. She is in the wrong. The second text alone made it clear she was not truely sorry. That last text is unacceptable. I'd rather have no friends then a friend like her.

Nothing wrong with enjoying Halloween as an adult, don't let a frenemy ruin the joys in your life! I personally would cut ties going by what you have posted.

fallen01angel

Hi OP, after reading all the post here the only word I can think to sum the whole thing up is WOW!! This is certainly not my version of a friend,sounds like a bitter,jealous cow to be honest. IF she had come to you the following day with a heartfelt apology instead of getting her OH to text you, I'd have probably put it down to a one off incident but from you other post it sounds like she has just changed to a nasty person,well that's her choice-but you don't have to put up with it.

doyle61

Op ild be seriously considering visiting my solicitor if that was said to me. That is probably the most slanderous thing anyone can say to a person these days and even when 100% untrue you always have d!ckheads who'll choose to believe ridiculous lies so they can feed the rumour mill.
As has been said cut the b!tch out, the booze only brought out what she was thinking about you so you don't need that in your life do you??

tony81

doyle61 wrote: »

Op ild be seriously considering visiting my solicitor if that was said to me.

Wouldn't advise the op to go down this route. Waste of time and money.