difficult ex partner

laylag

I am a mother of an 8yr old girl who lives with her father all week. She stays with me 3weekends out of 4 and I pay maintenance every month and have a court order in place for this and access rights. We broke up 5 years ago but have been unable to have any kind of civil relationship since. He will not talk to me in relation to any kind of issue relating to our daughter. He drops her off and ican be in the middle of saying something and he just gets in the car and drives away. In the past he has left drunken voicemails on my phone in the middle of the night, has failed on numerous occasions to pick her up meaning I've been unable to go to work. He regularly tells me i,m useless and that I don't care about my daughter. He sends her into me with a bag full of wet clothes. My sister is getting married in december and we brought her to get a flowergirl dress at the weekend. I was due to have my daughter the weekend of the wedding-he always takes her for xmas whether I like it or not. Imentioned this to him out of courtesy. He completely flipped and said he is not allowing it. I tried to talk to him rationally again today but he threatened to kick my door in to get our daughter and said I was not entitled to any say in this.
I am at a loss and don't know what to do. I dont have any family living close by to help so any advice would be appreciated.

Moonbeam

Does he have full guardianship rights? Did you have yours removed?

CarMe

Aw OP i really feel for you.
My dad had custody of me from when they split up when I was 12 and he did the exact same things, always leaving drunk voice mails, telling her she was useless etc.
Nobody bats an eyelid when a mother has full or the majority of custody but when a father does he is a saint, no matter how he behaves.
Would you not try get full custody considering his drinking and behaviour?
I have no real advice to offer Im sorry but I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.

Offy

CarMe wrote: »

Nobody bats an eyelid when a mother has full or the majority of custody but when a father does he is a saint, no matter how he behaves.

Ive been a single father for 12 years now and I couldnt disagree more with that statement.
OP why does the father have custody? It takes something BIG for a father in Ireland to get custody over a mother. This might sound harse but it needs to be said, forget the court order for access, it means nothing. Its not worth the paper it written on. Best advice I can give is to record and report all abuse. After that you have to hope that whatever you did to loose custody counts for less than the abuse you are getting. If not then the courts, social workers, etc. will do nothing in your favour.

CarMe

Offy wrote: »

Ive been a single father for 12 years now and I couldnt disagree more with that statement.
OP why does the father have custody? It takes something BIG for a father in Ireland to get custody over a mother. This might sound harse but it needs to be said, forget the court order for access, it means nothing. Its not worth the paper it written on. Best advice I can give is to record and report all abuse. After that you have to hope that whatever you did to loose custody counts for less than the abuse you are getting. If not then the courts, social workers, etc. will do nothing in your favour.

You've proved my point actually by going on to state how it takes something "BIG", not necessarily and if this post had been written by a man there CERTAINLY wouldn't be people prying and asking why he didn't have full custody.

planetX

Offy wrote: »

Ive been a single father for 12 years now and I couldnt disagree more with that statement.
OP why does the father have custody? It takes something BIG for a father in Ireland to get custody over a mother. This might sound harse but it needs to be said, forget the court order for access, it means nothing. Its not worth the paper it written on. Best advice I can give is to record and report all abuse. After that you have to hope that whatever you did to loose custody counts for less than the abuse you are getting. If not then the courts, social workers, etc. will do nothing in your favour.

you're assuming there was a custody battle - maybe she agreed to it, that's not the point of the thread so why ask?

OP I don't understand the problem - you have court ordered access and the wedding is on your weekend, so he has no say in that at all. As for not speaking to you, that's not within your control - if he has anger problems, it's up to him to fix them. I would only engage with him when absolutely necessary, just stick to your court order. If you have a solicitor it might be a good idea to get some legal advice, especially regarding any abusive calls.

laylag

Thanks - to clarify, there was no custody battle. When we broke up we agreed that my daughter would live with him during the week and she would come to me on weekends. This was due to the fact that i had to rent a room in a house with others and he had enough income to rent a 3 bed house for them both - it was in her best interests to stay where she was.

I don't understand it either - he has just said she is not going and he won't drop her in that weekend (even though I would be due to have her that weekend). It is the anger /control issues to me and all of my family that is causing it I think, but I don't really know what I can do about it. I am always flexible if he needs to change arrangments etc and always stick to the court order re maintenance and access. It really is just beyond my control it seems and its so frustrating having no say whatsoever over my child - maybe I will have to go down the legal route again on this at some stage. I just wanted to see if there was anyone who had gone / is going through a similar situation - as its usually the mother who has custody etc.

laylag

Moonbeam wrote: »

Does he have full guardianship rights? Did you have yours removed?

No we are joint guardians - I signed a form to grant this to him to allow him to sign forms at school for her etc seeing as he brings her there every day.

tinkerbell

Well if you are joint guardians, how can he decide that you are not allowed to see your child???

Offy

CarMe wrote: »

You've proved my point actually by going on to state how it takes something "BIG", not necessarily and if this post had been written by a man there CERTAINLY wouldn't be people prying and asking why he didn't have full custody.

I pry because the OP gave very little historical data in her first post.

planetX wrote: »

you're assuming there was a custody battle - maybe she agreed to it, that's not the point of the thread so why ask?

OP I don't understand the problem - you have court ordered access and the wedding is on your weekend, so he has no say in that at all. As for not speaking to you, that's not within your control - if he has anger problems, it's up to him to fix them. I would only engage with him when absolutely necessary, just stick to your court order. If you have a solicitor it might be a good idea to get some legal advice, especially regarding any abusive calls.

I asked because its normal for the mother to get full custody and its not normal for a mother to give this up of her own free will. If they are joint guardians then the OP needs to apply to change this to her becoming sole guardian, if theres regular broken access and abuse she stands a good chance, but however if a court previously ruled in the fathers favour then the OP has little chance of this happening. OP I really would disreguard what planetX says about the court ordered access. If I were you and theres no previous reason from the courts to remove joint guardianship then its sole guardianship and custody you should apply for, access really means very little in the eyes of the court. I only say this because the courts tend to do nothing about broken access orders.

planetX

Offy wrote: »

I pry because the OP gave very little historical data in her first post.



I asked because its normal for the mother to get full custody and its not normal for a mother to give this up of her own free will. If they are joint guardians then the OP needs to apply to change this to her becoming sole guardian, if theres regular broken access and abuse she stands a good chance, but however if a court previously ruled in the fathers favour then the OP has little chance of this happening. OP I really would disreguard what planetX says about the court ordered access. If I were you and theres no previous reason from the courts to remove joint guardianship then its sole guardianship and custody you should apply for, access really means very little in the eyes of the court. I only say this because the courts tend to do nothing about broken access orders.

I don't think it's helpful to try to turn the situation into a massive battleground - your experiences are not everyone's, and court ordered access does work for some. There is virtually no chance of taking guardianship from the father, and why would on earth would she want to? I'm assuming he's not an abusive father to the child, it sounds from the OP like he hasn't got over the relationship - phonecalls in the night etc. Those are his issues, she can't really do much about how he feels. This isn't a reason to try to take his daughter away all of a sudden. He does have to obey access orders though, and that's something a solicitor needs to advise on. He won't have this kind of control for many more years OP, pretty soon your daughter will have a say over what family events she goes to - so really her Dad is on a sinking ship. He must be very unhappy to need to cause this kind of upset. Is there any chance he would go to mediation? Or if not maybe you need to involve social workers to make him see that the interests of your child need to come first. Again, you need to see a solicitor as that could possibly be made an order of court.

Charl0tte

Lady, I cannot believe what I'm reading. Do you haven any family support whatsoever?? I get the impression you were manipulated into signing off your guardianship over the fact that you're renting and he'd a more stable set up.

I may be shot down for this, but no job is worth more than your own child. Take the hit and drop the job AND GO GET YOUR DAUGHTER BACK!

Look, being a mother can be crippling to woman, but it's only temporary. Kids grow up, they go off to school and only part-time care is needed in the afternoon then. Take the supports the government have to offer lone parents please, you've worked away, you're fully entitled to a bit of support.

The fathers attitude towards you is so disgusting, I hate to think what he is saying to her when you're not around. I'm throwing guesses at this whole situation, but it stinks to me. You have, have, HAVE to get your little girl back!! Get yourself off to your local district court offices to vary the access with your daughter for starters. Negotiate with your landlord that you put a small childs bed in your room and pay a little extra until you leave. Apply for housing for yourself and your daughter, IMMEDIATELY.

Please come back and let us know how it goes, I hope for the best for you and your daughter.

Sleepy

Charl0tte, would you give the same advice to a single father?

Why is it so inconceivable that the father might actually be better placed to be the main custodial parent? The OP's ex is clearly being unreasonable about the wedding and his attitude towards his childs mother stinks but we see this behaviour from women far, far more often and rarely, if ever, is the father advised to "GET YOUR CHILD BACK!"....

Charl0tte

Sleepy wrote: »

Charl0tte, would you give the same advice to a single father?

Why is it so inconceivable that the father might actually be better placed to be the main custodial parent? The OP's ex is clearly being unreasonable about the wedding and his attitude towards his childs mother stinks but we see this behaviour from women far, far more often and rarely, if ever, is the father advised to "GET YOUR CHILD BACK!"....

It's not inconceivable at all Sleepy, I apologise. My post came from a very heart felt personal situation. I cannot presume to know laylags own situation, I honestly meant no malice by it. I can understand how that must have come across, and it truly wasn't meant in that way. No mother is ever to be assumed to be a better parent than a childs father, I should have been more detailed in my post.

The Corinthian

CarMe wrote: »

Nobody bats an eyelid when a mother has full or the majority of custody but when a father does he is a saint, no matter how he behaves.

Probably because in Ireland a father will typically not get custody, when contested, unless he is some sort of saint.

laylag wrote: »

We broke up 5 years ago but have been unable to have any kind of civil relationship since. He will not talk to me in relation to any kind of issue relating to our daughter. He drops her off and ican be in the middle of saying something and he just gets in the car and drives away. In the past he has left drunken voicemails on my phone in the middle of the night, has failed on numerous occasions to pick her up meaning I've been unable to go to work. He regularly tells me i,m useless and that I don't care about my daughter. He sends her into me with a bag full of wet clothes. My sister is getting married in december and we brought her to get a flowergirl dress at the weekend. I was due to have my daughter the weekend of the wedding-he always takes her for xmas whether I like it or not. Imentioned this to him out of courtesy. He completely flipped and said he is not allowing it. I tried to talk to him rationally again today but he threatened to kick my door in to get our daughter and said I was not entitled to any say in this.
I am at a loss and don't know what to do. I dont have any family living close by to help so any advice would be appreciated.

Typically when fathers post things like this, the general advice tends to be that they should 'suck it up' for the good of the child, and to a degree, not being the custodial parent, there will be a certain level of that.

Given this, regardless of whether the non-custodial parent is the father or the mother, they really should not be expected to have to deal with the emotional problems of the other parent, with whom they are no longer even in a relationship.

Pretty much the majority such problems between single parents tend to stem from one parent being bitter (and possibly even having mental health issues), however in the end, it's not your problem - it's his - and not your responsibility to be there as a target for his venting because he had a bad day. It's his responsibility, even though he's still trying to blame it on someone else years later.

I would first log a number of these instances. Then formally - via registered letter - write to him requesting that whatever about communication relating to your daughter, such additional communication (citing examples) is essentially nothing more than harassment and that should he persist you'll have to take steps to limit communication between the two of you and report it and any breaches of court orders.

If he does continue, cut off as much direct contact as is practically possible, keeping some line of communication still open (ideally through a third party). Report any misbehaviour that would construe breaches of access, etc. and haul him to court if he persists. Eventually he'll get the message.

You may be parents, but you're not friends and never will be, I'm afraid. Eventually your daughter will grow up and, with the exception of a few major events, you'll never need to have any further contact with him (and even then, you need not even speak to him). Sad, but that's life.

Kazzy16

I would seriously advise you to go to your local Courthouse and apply for an Access Order. You can then both agree to when you see your daughter and for how long.. Plus you will get to ask to have her on 'Special Occasions' if that is what your daughter would like.. It is really important for children to see both sides of the family and I don't think it's really fair of your ex to stop your daughter going to the wedding. I have been in and out of court for over 6yrs now and have had to deal with issues like this... It really is best for both of you if it is done legally. Therefore if any of you breach an order it can be dealt with in court. You won't have to deal with your ex or his aggressive behaviour. Our personal feelings shouldn't really come into it when dealing with our ex's but that's easier said than done in a lot of cases.. It's what makes our children happy that's important. I really would look into getting a Protection Order or a Safety Order. It means that your ex will not be allowed to use any threatening behaviour towards you... Nobody has the right to treat you this way.. Best of luck. x

metzengerstein

hi,i am in a similar situation the mother having full custody ,but i have my access and gaurdianship set out by the court .its this simple if your ex denys you access twice he is in breach of the court order and you can take him to court for this ,this as far as i can see can have some serious consequenses him losing custody could be one of them .so you just need to take note if you are denied access .

laylag

HI Again everyone - i really appreciate all of the advice that has been posted here.

I didn't address the issue of the wedding again, i thought it was best to just leave it and not to create any more drama - the only chance i get to talk to the dad is when he's dropping my little girl in and I didnt' want her upset. So things have been fairly normal the past few weeks, with me having her on weekends and there being no conversation with the dad and myself.

Yesterday, while in work I received a text from the dad stating that he had left a passport form at my front door, that I am to get it signed and stamped by the guards and that I was to leave it for him to collect on Thurs morning. I texted him back immediately to ask what it was for - no mention of bringing my little girl abroad previously. He texted me back "for a holiday"...no details. I replied looking for more details on it and he just text back with "a week, in 3 weeks time, Spain."

Now am I being unreasonable here or is this completely mad? I texted him back and said with the way he has handled the situation regarding my daughters attendance at my sisters wedding it is proving very hard to be accomodating. I said in the text that he could call in and discuss the issue in more detail in person. He text me back saying no he won't talk to me, he will get a judge to rule on it and "ur a fool." I replied saying fine if he won't talk to me about it but thats his decision and while we are there I will explain how he is behaving and that he is wasting the courts time as he won't talk to me and that he is denying access by refusing to bring my daughter in on the weekend of the wedding. He texted me back saying the judge will laugh at me and that because he has her the majority of time that I have no rights and that he calls the shots. It ended with "get it stamped."

The thing is, I don't have an issue with my daughter having a passport - but obviously I would need full details of where she is going, who else is going, times / dates etc. I know if we do go to court the judge will probably just dispense with the need for my signature and issue the passport, but surely I have a right to have all the information and have some say over where my daughter goes??

thanks and sorry for the extremley long post!

Try not to get in to a tit for tat situation with your ex, the wedding issue has nothing to do with the passport issue( I know that is much much more easy to say that do ) but honestly its the key to a communication in the sort of situating you are in.

Be very clear and stick to the point when you are communicating with your ex never never ever let it get personal or bring in any issues from the past in to the communications for example if he says he is going to court about the passport issue do not offer any opinion about this just say if that is what you feel you should then thats what you should, communicate this in a calm clear disinterested way.

As for what you should do about the passport issue I would say to him you are delighted that you daughter is getting a holiday ( after all it is something nice )
Then you should say you need details of the holiday, is your daughter missing school for example then I would get the passport form signed.

él statutorio

Let it go to court, the judge will tell him to cop himself on.

él statutorio

él statutorio wrote: »

Let it go to court, the judge will tell him to cop himself on.

That as well:D

mitosis

Be big. Sign and stamp the form - don't deprive the child of a holiday through your own anger

newwifey

Are you afraid of your ex?

You appear to be very subdued in relation to his saying what you can and cant do with your own daughter on a weekend you were entitled to have access anyway.
At the risk of sounding harsh, grow a back bone, give a feck if he is upset or not and do what YOU wish to do with YOUR daughter at YOUR families wedding.
To be fair he is walking all over you and you seem to be laying the door mat out for him.

laylag

newwifey wrote: »

Are you afraid of your ex?

You appear to be very subdued in relation to his saying what you can and cant do with your own daughter on a weekend you were entitled to have access anyway.
At the risk of sounding harsh, grow a back bone, give a feck if he is upset or not and do what YOU wish to do with YOUR daughter at YOUR families wedding.
To be fair he is walking all over you and you seem to be laying the door mat out for him.

That is what I'm trying to do now - i realise what it sounds like, but when I have tried to do things my way it creates a massive row in front of the child which is what I've spent a lot of time and effort (and biting my tongue!) trying to avoid. I really just feel like this is the last straw now that he isn't being forth coming with info re the holiday he wants to take her on. Re the wedding, he just will not bring her in to me that weekend...I am blue in the fact from saying that he has to by court order....but I am telling this to the back of his car as he drives away in a rage as he will not talk to me or listen to anything I have to say.
So while it might sound easy to just do what I wish, the reality is a lot different.

thanks for your comment thou - I see where you're coming from and I really hope that things change soon.

tinkerbell

OP, if he's refusing to act in accordance with the court order, can you not bring him back to court?

snor

I would:
1. Go to your local garda station and let them know about the wedding and the fact that you think your daughter will not be brough to you for your court-ordered access. They will take note of this. Tell them you will be calling them if your daughter is not brought to you as per the court order. Be firm with them.

2. Contact your solicitor and ask him/her to notify the child's father's solicitor of the same. Remind his solicitor that there is a court order in place and that you will take action if he is not obeying the order.

I write my own letters and send them to my solicitor for him to review, stick on his headed paper, sign and send. Speeds things up and I know that correct message has been conveyed!

Best of luck. Don't give into him - he is nothing but a bully. You need to stand up to him.

mum.of.one

Hi Laylag
Not sure posters are answering your question, but here are my thoughts:

Csn you afford to get a solicitor's letter in advance outlining exactly when your access dates are (include this wedding weekend) and remind yor ex he will be in breach of a court order if he does not compy.

Also, I hope you've been logging all this abuse - if he starts, inform him you will be recording him in future and get a dictaphone - I've been using mine for a while now and its a lifesaver (if only for my sanity as he roars and shouts then emails after about how reasonable he had been!).

The main focus of this thread is the wedding weekend - focus on that.

laylag

hi guys

an update on this - i have now received a court order for the following:

dispensing with the need for my sign off on a passport
guardianship for the father
sole custody for the father

Can anyone advise what i should do now? Do you think i should go to a solicitor for representation in court or should i go myself?
I really don't want him to have sole custody.
I had already said to him that i would be more than happy to discuss holiday arrangements in person and then we could arrange for passport once i knew where he was going to bring her, but he wouldn't discuss it with me. Then he didn't bring my daughter in for a few weeks (didnt see her for last three weekends in december), breaking his access order.

Also the last time we went to court to arrange access my solicitor offered him guardianship which he declined - now he's bringing me back to court to get it.

I would appreciate any advice on this

thanks a million
x

westies4ever

laylag wrote: »

hi guys

an update on this - i have now received a court order for the following:

dispensing with the need for my sign off on a passport
guardianship for the father
sole custody for the father

Can anyone advise what i should do now? Do you think i should go to a solicitor for representation in court or should i go myself?
I really don't want him to have sole custody.
I had already said to him that i would be more than happy to discuss holiday arrangements in person and then we could arrange for passport once i knew where he was going to bring her, but he wouldn't discuss it with me. Then he didn't bring my daughter in for a few weeks (didnt see her for last three weekends in december), breaking his access order.

Also the last time we went to court to arrange access my solicitor offered him guardianship which he declined - now he's bringing me back to court to get it.

I would appreciate any advice on this

thanks a million
x

this is getting complicated; i dont think this is the place to advise you but i strongly urge you to contact your solicitor without delay to discuss your options.

mum.of.one

First things first you need a solicitor's letter asap to inform ex of your court-appointed access days and times, ie the weekends and that if he chooses not to drop daughter to you he will be in breech of the order. You might find that goes far enough to get him to turn up, which is really all that you want and you can worry about what you do if he doesn't turn up, afterwards.

To be honest re: the abuse. I find it almost impossible to believe that a man like this can successfully seperate the feelings that drive him to be abusive to you do not spill over into other areas in his life, including personal relationships such as fathering. Many such men have very negative attitudes towards females, many have anger issues that may be exaccerbated through stressful situations with children and some do have mental health issues. In the long run I would have concerns about this over the wedding issue.

mum.of.one

Sleepy wrote: »

Charl0tte, would you give the same advice to a single father?

Why is it so inconceivable that the father might actually be better placed to be the main custodial parent? The OP's ex is clearly being unreasonable about the wedding and his attitude towards his childs mother stinks but we see this behaviour from women far, far more often and rarely, if ever, is the father advised to "GET YOUR CHILD BACK!"....

I am at a loss regarding this comment, unless perhaps I am reading it incorrectly - it is statistically proven that domestic abuse is perpetrated far more by men than women and even if adjusted to include unreported cases, it still weighs far more on the male side. We live in a very patriarchal society, and there are a lot of men who, once in intimate relationships, 'turn' very dominant and controlling - there are plenty of books out there on it, including the Irish one "How he gets inside her head" Yes, there are women who act similarly, but statistically, it is far, far lower.

full_irish

mum.of.one wrote: »

I am at a loss regarding this comment, unless perhaps I am reading it incorrectly - it is statistically proven that domestic abuse is perpetrated far more by men than women and even if adjusted to include unreported cases, it still weighs far more on the male side. We live in a very patriarchal society, and there are a lot of men who, once in intimate relationships, 'turn' very dominant and controlling - there are plenty of books out there on it, including the Irish one "How he gets inside her head" Yes, there are women who act similarly, but statistically, it is far, far lower.

Where are you getting 'domestic abuse' from?

2+2 does not equal 5.

Similarly, 'father and mother no longer together' + 'father and mother not on speaking terms (for reasons unknown)' does not equal domestic abuse!!

full_irish

Advice for OP:

you need to lawyer up and have your say in court if this is the only time that you will be able to have a constructive conversation with your ex in regards to the care and guardianship of your daughter.

mum.of.one

Ah, I got it from the OPs first post ie:

He drops her off and ican be in the middle of saying something and he just gets in the car and drives away. In the past he has left drunken voicemails on my phone in the middle of the night, has failed on numerous occasions to pick her up meaning I've been unable to go to work. He regularly tells me i,m useless and that I don't care about my daughter.

As I said, I am assuming thats what Sleepy was referring to. Otherwise, it could be the fahter's refusal to drop the daughter for court-appointed access days, which indicates some element of control issues going on there and possibly anger issues from the way he has been described as responding (and I understnad that's only one perspective).

I presume it could only be sleepy who could confirm if I interpreted the post correctly or otherwise... I took it to mean the totality of his behaviour, which sounds abusive.

The Corinthian

mum.of.one wrote: »

I am at a loss regarding this comment, unless perhaps I am reading it incorrectly - it is statistically proven that domestic abuse is perpetrated far more by men than women and even if adjusted to include unreported cases, it still weighs far more on the male side.

What would these statistics that 'prove' this be?

The problem with such statistics. because there has long been little or no research into domestic violence against men - in many quarters, it's not even acknowledged that it takes place and ironically there are significantly more unreported cases of domestic violence against men than there are against women, further complicating matters. More recent statistics, in the US, have shown the opposite - that men are more likely to be victims of domestic abuse and, because women are more likely to use weapons, more likely to suffer serious injury.

Not that Sleepy was even talking about domestic violence; he was discussing unreasonable, irrational or selfish behaviour. He never mentioned violence.

We live in a very patriarchal society, and there are a lot of men who, once in intimate relationships, 'turn' very dominant and controlling - there are plenty of books out there on it, including the Irish one "How he gets inside her head" Yes, there are women who act similarly, but statistically, it is far, far lower.

And there are lots of women who, once in intimate relationships, 'turn' very dominant and controlling too. The dominant-subservient dynamic in relationships is hardly a patriarchal creation.

mum.of.one wrote: »

I presume it could only be sleepy who could confirm if I interpreted the post correctly or otherwise... I took it to mean the totality of his behaviour, which sounds abusive.

I suspect it's the usual, psychological, non-physical, power-manipulation brand of abuse.

Custodial parents can pretty much do what they like. They can largely ignore court orders for access, because they rarely, if ever, suffer any consequences (if you jail them, as you do those who fail to pay maintenance, who'll take care of the child?). Guardianship rights are also unenforceable - medical procedures can be carried out by the custodial parent without even informing the other guardian, schools can be changed, religious wishes ignores, and so on - because courts can't really do much about it.

As a result, some custodial parents use this control and effective immunity from consequences to act out against the other parent, in retaliation for some wrong against them - real or perceived. Either gender is perfectly capable of being an asshole, at the end of the day.

Generally the advice given is that you have to 'suck it up' or 'take it on the chin', and to a degree there's no escaping this. However, I do believe that there is a limit to how much any parent should tolerate this, not only for themselves, but also because the parental alienation that will tend to come with such behaviour ultimately ends up harming the child in question.

In the OP's case, I'd agree that she should seek professional advice at this stage. I do get the feeling that there's more to her story that we don't know - principally because she's not the custodial parent (it is so unusual for custody to go to a man that it's inevitable that questions will be asked) - and so I very much doubt that we'll be able to advise her adequately here.

laylag

Thanks everyone for all of your comments.

I have made an appointment to see a solicitor in early Feb so fingers crossed I can get this situation sorted to some extent. Having thought about it over the last few days, i'm hopeful that the court will be able to clear up any ambiguity over my rights in relation to access as this is where the majority of issues are coming from from my perspective. I hope that i can be more involved in my daughters upbringing and that the court will see that I am being continuously alienated and that this is unfair both to me and my daughter...her dads feelings towards me really shouldn't be coming between me and her and that is what has been happening.

thanks again :-)

mum.of.one

Hi The Corinthian

In 2005 there was a major study done in Ireland on Domestic Abuse that looked at both Women and men as abusers. Stats show conclusively that women are affected/injured more... and they did take into account under-reporting. It is a huge report (available online) but here is the main findings:

Domestic Abuse of Women and Men in Ireland: Report on the National Study of Domestic Abuse

The National Crime Council in association with the Economic and Social Research Institute (ESRI)


The National Crime Council, in association with the Economic and Social Research Institute, published the first ever large scale study undertaken to give an overview of the nature, extent and impact of domestic abuse against women and men in intimate partner relationships in Ireland. The study was commissioned by the National Crime Council and based on a survey conducted by the Economic and Social Research Institute of a nationally representative statistical sample of over 3,000 adult women and men, as well as focus group interviews with Traveller and immigrant women. The report is written by Dr. Dorothy Watson, Senior Researcher with the ESRI, Principal Investigator and Senior Author and Miss. Sara Parsons, Research Officer with the National Crime Council.

The key findings were:

•The report shows that 15 per cent of women (or about one in seven) and six per cent of men (or one in 16) have experienced severely abusive behaviour of a physical, sexual or emotional nature from an intimate partner at some time in their lives.
•While the risk to women is higher, domestic abuse is something that also affects a significant number of men. The survey suggests that in the region of 213,000 women and 88,000 men in Ireland have been severely abused by a partner.
•Apart from the higher risk faced by women, the risk of having experienced abuse is also higher in couples where one partner (rather than both jointly) controls decisions about money, for those whose parents were abusive to each other, for young adults and for those with children.
•A number of findings in the report suggest an increased risk of abuse where the partners are isolated from close family and neighbourhood supports.
•In almost two out of five cases, the abusive behaviour had no specific trigger or was triggered by minor incidents. In about one third of cases, abuse is associated with the consumption of alcohol. However, in only one quarter of cases was alcohol consumption always involved.
•In terms of the impact of domestic abuse, about half of those experiencing severe abuse were physically injured. Women’s injuries tended to be more serious – women are nearly twice as likely as men to require medical treatment for their injuries and ten times more likely to require a stay in hospital. However, respondents often identified emotional abuse or the emotional consequences of abuse – such as fear, distress and loss of confidence – as the ‘worst thing’ that they experienced. Domestic abuse is also associated with poor health and disability.
•Most women and men who were abused had told someone about it: almost half had confided in friends and about two in five had talked to family members.
•Only a minority (one in five) had reported the behaviour to the Gardaí, however, and men were less likely than women to report (5 per cent compared to 29 per cent of women among those severely abused). Women and men give similar reasons for not reporting the abuse, most often related to the seriousness of the behaviour, a preference for handling the situation themselves, and shame or embarrassment.
•There is evidence that people are leaving abusive relationships. There is a clear link between domestic abuse and marital breakdown. Also, almost three quarters of those who were ever severely abused were no longer in the abusive relationship and among those who lived with an abusive partner in the past, over half had moved out.
•Informal supports were important when someone left an abusive relationship. Of those who were living with an abusive partner and moved out, nine out of ten stayed with family or friends, and only 7 per cent stayed at either a homeless hostel, a refuge or on the street.
•The focus groups with Traveller and immigrant women indicated that they shared a broadly similar view of domestic abuse as the general population and had a similar tendency to rely on informal supports, but with some differences: immigrant women were very unlikely to consider marital rape to be ‘domestic abuse’ and were not well informed of the services available to women experiencing abuse. Both Traveller and immigrant women showed a strong aversion to approaching the ‘authorities’, such as the Gardaí and social workers, for help.

I don't believe I mentioned the word violence though - I used 'abuse' and I would certainly say that this man is abusive, without a shadow of a doubt. Mind you, according to the WomensAid website, emotional abuse (like this man is doing) is a category under the term Domestic Violence:

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is where one person tries to control and assert power over their partner in an intimate relationship. It can be physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse or financial abuse. In the majority of cases it is perpetrated by men and experienced by women. Any woman can be affected and it can happen in any home. There may be warning signs that your relationship is abusive.

It's a shame the Family Law courts didn't take this form of abuse more seriously (as was recommended in that 2005 report). Then no-one would have to 'suck it up' or 'Take it on the chin' as you say.

Im my child's custodian - I certainly don't feel able to make decisions independently of my child's father. Actually I wish my ex took access orders more seriously himself - always late dropping her back, he's been late on numerous occasions, has not turned up a couple of times and if he feels like it he'll be abusive verbally (though very infrequently now thankfully). Ah well, only another 15 and a half years to go - WHAT a celebration my baby's 18th will be!

The Corinthian

mum.of.one wrote: »

In 2005 there was a major study done in Ireland on Domestic Abuse that looked at both Women and men as abusers. Stats show conclusively that women are affected/injured more... and they did take into account under-reporting.

Not exactly a balanced report; an entire chapter of it is devoted to domestic abuse against women, yet there is not even a subsection devoted to men.

The survey was equally gynocentric, with the team conducting the research being entirely made up of women (gender quotas were apparently not required in this case). There was very little effort on tackling under-reporting in the methodology used.

Indeed, it's findings fly in the face of most recent studies and articles abroad that peg male/female abuse almost on a par:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-violence
Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Violence
Equality with a Vengeance: Men's Rights Groups, Battered Women, and Antifeminist Backlash

Seemingly though in Ireland the ratio is still two to one according to the report you present. Given the endemic gynocentric bias in social studies in Ireland today, I'm not terribly surprised.

In short, I'll take the report you present with a pinch of salt.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is where one person tries to control and assert power over their partner in an intimate relationship. It can be physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse or financial abuse. In the majority of cases it is perpetrated by men and experienced by women. Any woman can be affected and it can happen in any home. There may be warning signs that your relationship is abusive.

It's a shame the Family Law courts didn't take this form of abuse more seriously (as was recommended in that 2005 report). Then no-one would have to 'suck it up' or 'Take it on the chin' as you say.

According to that definition of abuse, then many single fathers could well claim to be victims. The type of experience that laylag has experienced is not uncommon for men in Ireland, given the complete legal bias where it comes to parental rights, it is very easy to perpetuate.

Yet, if you even read through threads on boards where men are subject to such abuse, the most common answer is to 'suck it up' - it's not even seen as such.

Im my child's custodian - I certainly don't feel able to make decisions independently of my child's father. Actually I wish my ex took access orders more seriously himself - always late dropping her back, he's been late on numerous occasions, has not turned up a couple of times and if he feels like it he'll be abusive verbally (though very infrequently now thankfully). Ah well, only another 15 and a half years to go - WHAT a celebration my baby's 18th will be!

Irrelevant. Just because you claim that you don't feel able to make decisions independently of your child's father, does not change the fact that many women have no such problems. Or, in the case of laylag, women.

January

This thread is straying into legal advice territory, so I'm closing it. OP, your solicitor will be able to advise you.