Long distance, can u beat the odds?

yelomelohel

So basically I met this Indian guy while holidaying in India this summer.
I'd never had such a positive relationship and knew I couldn't let it go. So now we're still together, talk on the phone for at least an hour everyday and skype whenever possible.
I miss him but the constant contact ensures that we're still close. I'm going back in June.
My question is, do ladies think long distance can work if you really commit to it? Im not really looking for advice on my situation, I'd just like to know what people's opinions of long distance are?

flossie

I say yes. My boyfriend lives and works in the Congo and comes home about every 7 - 8 weeks for a fortnight.

We met through friends and he came to visit me one leave just as friends (I was seeing somebody else). Whilst absolutely nothing happened, we clicked, and we both felt that something was there. I finished with the other guy, and then received a letter that poured out his feelings for me. He wasn't asking me out, per se, just putting his feelings on the line. I thought it over for a couple of days before replying to make sure i wasn't just flattered, but realised i felt the same.

Well, we're together now and things just seem right. We both are fully committed to this as we know it's what we want....we make sure to contact each other daily, whether that's by regular emails or the odd text during the day and generally chatting on the phone to make sure we hear each other's voice.

So yes, I agree that things can work if you really are committed to it.

The Big Red Button

Couldn't do it myself. It's just not a lifestyle that I'd be able for. I've never tried it, but sure I was in a relationship where I'd see my boyfriend once or twice a month, and even that was way too little for me ... it ended up not feeling like a real relationship. We tried, but for me, texts and phone calls just weren't enough. I need the face-to-face and physical contact.

It's something that I might have been more open-minded about a couple of years ago - as in, I'd at least consider it in the right circumstances - but, at this stage, I'm not all that interested in travelling abroad, and there are plenty of career opportunities for me here so it's not like I'd ever have to emigrate. So I'm quite settled here in Ireland, and probably wouldn't be interested in getting in a relationship with someone who wasn't.

I've a whole lot of respect and admiration for anyone who can maintain this sort of a relationship. I know there are a couple of girls who post in this forum who are doing it, and, honestly, if your relationship can survive the long-distance thing, I'd imagine there's very little that could affect it!

I'd be interested in what it must be like after a long distance relationship - i.e. to finally be living in close proximity to each other after going for months without being together! Must be amazing, but strange to get used to at the same time. I'm sure you'd have learned never take each others' company for granted, anyways!

mahamageehad

I've been doing the long distance thing for just over a year now. I'm here and he's in Germany. It works great for us, I'm mad about the guy and I'm pretty sure he's mad about me. We chat everyday in some way or other and we're lucky that we manage to see each other for a few days every 8 to 10 weeks.

I think it depends on both the relationship and you whether it can work. I was in a long distance before which didn't work out as the connection just fizzled out. Only that this boy is so special to me I'd never have bothered trying it again. You also have to trust the person very much, if you're the suspicious type it would be horrible for you to be apart for that long. Also, like chatterpillar said, some people just need the physical contact and face-to-face stuff for a relationship to work for them.

One of the few things I found hard to deal with is friends and acquaintances asking questions about your relationship like "Are you not worried about him meeting someone else", "Aren't you lonely" and "What's the point if ye never see each other". Be prepared to have a bit of a thick skin for that. Luckily as Germany practically runs this country now I didn't have to deal with the "he's only with you for the visa" crap.

For me it just works. We've found ways of keeping up the intimacy and keeping the other person involved. We also see each other for important events like birthdays etc. He will be spending christmas with me and my family this year. For some people seeing someone that little would be their idea of a worst nightmare but I feel that it makes the time we do spend together even more precious as we don't want to waste a minute.

Next year he's hoping to spend a few months here. Due to work restraints I can't go to him but I have lived with him for 6 weeks last year. I'm really looking forward to it and we're constantly planning when we;re next going to be able to see each other as well as more long term stuff like moving in together. I wish you all the best with it yelomelohel, it may not always be easy but if it's the right guy it's worth it!

Princess Peach

I think it totally can work if it'd the right person. I've seen my boyfriend for 2 whole weeks this year, bout another 2 months till I see him again.

I guess what it comes down to are your options which are either to do long distance or break up. And when we talked about it there was no way either of us wanted to break up so we make it work. I think most people would do the same if the relationship really was worth it. Maybe if the choice was forced upon you and you felt the distance was going to be a problem, then the relationship really isn't the one for you? Because taking it long distance is a big commitment, so you want to be in it for the long haul. What I mean is that the 10 months we have spent apart so far probably won't be a big deal in years to come

Trust isn't something that comes into it for me at all. You either trust or person or not so distance shouldn't make any difference. Unless you are with him 24/7 doesn't matter if you see him more often anyway.

One important thing to it though is to plan a future together, and make sure there are options that one or both of you can move at some stage to be together. Me and my boyfriend are working out the details now that soon we can both live somewhere we will both work and live.

Siuin

I've had two significant long distance relationships in the past and overall I really wouldn't recommend pursuing them. I grew apart from my friends and from reality because I would spend every night on skype chatting with him, telling eachother how much we wish we were together blah blah blah... it can really be addictive because you build up an unrealistic image of the person as being perfect because you don't have to deal with them in everyday life. After nearly 2 years of chatting on a nightly basis, I went over to the Middle East to spend 3 months living with him, and I was really shocked by how anti-social he was. I seriously thought I knew him inside out. The only time I could see a long distance relationship working is if you have solid plans to be living in the same country within a maximum of one year. Otherwise, you're just wasting your time.

Stheno

I think it depends on where the relationship was before it became long term.

If you are not living together, or have just met I suspect it's easier.

I'm with my OH four years, and recently started travelling a lot, and am away from home for weeks at a time.

We were living together for the best part of three years when it started.

It does affect our relationship, he gets moody the week I am due to go away, if anything horrid happens to one of us, we tend to fret about each other as we are not there, and neither of us are the best at chatting on the phone, we talk of course, but it takes times to get into chatting about stuff that you'd wait for an opportune moment to at home, when instead you are ringing from different timezones etc.

It affects our home life too, I get home, get over being away, and no sooner am I home than it feels I'm off again.

Simple things like dinner in front of the tv, getting home early from work and having a wander somewhere become something of a real pleasure.
He has kids too, and it's an impact on them it will have been over a month between me seeing them when I next do.

It's a different situation, but possibly worse than long distance as you've got the yo-yo element of it, with one person living a stable life and the other living a very hop in/hop off life. I'd one particular stretch where I was abroad for two weeks, home for 2 days, then off to another part of Ireland for a week, back for two weeks then away again for three and a half weeks, which is very unsettling for the "settled" partner so to speak.

Either way, I'd recommend neither

We do have long term plans, and we look forward to those, but at the moment in the midst of a prolonged stint of yo-yo life it can be hard to look ahead.

Mc Kenzie

Hey op,

At the moment i have a boyfreind in Brazil, I met him here and i realised we had a great freindship and love for each other.
i had alot of rubbish experiences before him and felt i could be really myself with him and i know he really loved me for who i was (make up or not )lol) I had so many lovely times with him it was really hard to let him go. we didnt know what to do as we never broke up we just went with it. we are trying to plan around our lives of how we can be together. Although im afraid of whats to be i dont wanto spend my life wandering wat iff!?? my freinds dont understand they just autamaticly assume we broke up. if we were to let it go. So we talk on skype phone when we can i hope to visit in august,it is hard but some things in life are worth fighting hard when you know its something good:)

Stheno

chatterpillar wrote: »

I'd be interested in what it must be like after a long distance relationship - i.e. to finally be living in close proximity to each other after going for months without being together! Must be amazing, but strange to get used to at the same time. I'm sure you'd have learned never take each others' company for granted, anyways!

Again in terms of my yo-yo life, I'm looking forward to small things.

A normal routine.
Cooking up a weeks meals so we can relax during the week and debate what to have from the freezer.
Having one wardrobe and not two or three
Not resenting time spent on his family when I am home
Friday nights
Going to bed in the same bed, at the same time
Having breakfast in bed together before I go to work

Small, but very happy things for me

fairy1

I am yet another poster who affirms that this kinda of relationship can work


My boyfriend and me having been going out for over three years now and there has always been distance involved. We met on J1 in California and agreed to try and give things a go when we returned to Ireland even though we are from opposite ends of the country (Cork V Donegal!!)

As time has gone on the distance has grown further because of work! He now lives in Scotland and I still live in Cork. It does take a lot of effort but I couldn't imagine being with anyone else!

We skype every night (It is a total life saver and lets you actually SEE each other which I think is crucial!) I wouldn't be able to survive on phone calls alone. We viber then for free if we are messaging each other. These modes of contact are completely free and make our relationship that little bit easier!

I usually fly over to him because my working hours make it easier to do so and we will spend a whole weekend together but this doesn't happen every weekend because of the costs involved!! My advice would be to book flights well in advance if possible because it will save you money and will make the trip a viable possibility. At the end of August we booked all of our flights from Sept- Dec to try and plan things out and ultimately to save money!


I will not lie to you and say that things are easy!! It is a very difficult situation but I think you know in your heart if it is worth persuing I love my boyfriend to bits and he is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. Obviously the way things are now cannot continue forever and we will have to make some important future life decisions about how we can make our relationship work and where we will settle down together etc! But I say give it a go....don't be downhearted because there are LOADS of people in the same boat as you and plenty of people willing to offer advice if you need it

Good luck with everything

Scarinae

I think long distance can work, but you have to both be on the same page, and trust and communication are really important. I think it definitely helps when you have an end in sight as well, like if one of you has moved somewhere for a fixed amount of time, or if you have a plan for when you’ll be in the same place.

I’ve been long distance with my boyfriend for more than three years now (!!) though we’ve been together for five and a half. I’m in London and he’s in Namibia. It’s made a bit more challenging because the nature of his work means he’s in the middle of nowhere 80% of the time with a rubbish internet connection, but at least we don’t have the timezone issues that plague other LDRs. His crappy internet and the crazy price of phonecalls means that we communicate mostly through Whatsapp. The price of flights is another obstacle, and unfortunately this year our work schedules have completely clashed so we’ve hardly seen each other; I’m going out there on Saturday for two and a half weeks, and it will be the first time I’ve seen him properly since April (or May, if you count four hours in Heathrow while he was on his way back from Canada)

I won’t lie to you OP, it is a major pain in the ass sometimes. I save up most of my holidays for seeing him, we’re rarely together on birthdays or other special occasions (he wasn’t able to come back for my brother’s wedding earlier this year), and the price of flights is ridiculous. I have wondered if I’d be better off with someone who lives in the same country as me, who I could see more often. But when we are actually together it is fantastic - he makes me laugh like nobody else does. I’m not going to get all soppy, but on overall balance it’s worth it.

mahamageehad wrote: »

One of the few things I found hard to deal with is friends and acquaintances asking questions about your relationship like "Are you not worried about him meeting someone else", "Aren't you lonely" and "What's the point if ye never see each other". Be prepared to have a bit of a thick skin for that.

Ahhh this is so irritating! “How do you know he’s not cheating on you? Like really, how do you KNOW?” - usually from people who have never even met him. Someone once even said to me that I could cheat on him and get away with it because he’d never know - seriously wtf!

syjg18

For me, yes it will work out as long as both of you have a trust on each other. Just be responsible enough.