Any experiences of being played? How was it for you?

LegacyUser

I would love to hear of your experiences of being played? How was it for you? How did you feel? Did you feel bad? Anything else to share?

I was played last year and it opened up a can of worms for me, emotionally. I fell for his empty promises which turned out to be nothing and I was only ever good enough just to hump and beat around hotel rooms(you see we met on the fetish scene due to our shared interests). He got into my head with his empty promises, excuses e- which dragged everything out and lies and stamped all over my emotions. And he ran like there was no tomorrow. As if I was needy for bringing up and legitimate issue. An absolute headfcuk.

Although my wounds are fading, this past year has been though emotionally and I never felt so rotten with my emotions up and down.

My sister was also played, by someone different. She was played in a different way but lies and excuses were part of her experience and she too has felt rotten. Just last week she had tears streaming down her face. He lied to her galore and she doesn't want to have anything to do with him but he won't stop calling her. He never wanted her, just for humping, and he issues lies to keep her sweet, probably thinking that's what she wants to hear.

Does anyone else have experiences of being play?

Wibbs

Ok folks, lets try to avoid stereotypes etc and if it's a personal issue type post you're probably better going to the PI forum for it. That said, enough women mention/have suffered this so I reckon it's a good topic*.







*My fellow mods may not agree so... They beat me you know. Oh yes. And leave me to rattle my tin cup along the bars of my cell. Help...

Lucyfur

Wibbs wrote: »

Ok folks, lets try to avoid stereotypes etc and if it's a personal issue type post you're probably better going to the PI forum for it. That said, enough women mention/have suffered this so I reckon it's a good topic*.







*My fellow mods may not agree so... They beat me you know. Oh yes. And leave me to rattle my tin cup along the bars of my cell. Help...

*he loves it. We're getting him handcuffs for Christmas


I've never been played. I've had a really rubbish relationship, but I wouldn't class it as being played.

beks101

I've met my fair share of as5holes in my time so I'm pretty savvy to the warning signs.

When I meet someone, I tend to judge on actions alone. Someone saying they like me, they want to be with me, they care for me, they'll call me...means pretty much nothing to me. In fact if I hear too much of this in the early stages, I'm a goner.

It's suspicious and not emotionally healthy to me to be that forward when getting to know someone so I tend to completely disregard any/all sweet talk until I see the action to back it up. That's what will pull me in. Making the effort to meet up when it's not necessarily convenient, listening to me & caring about my well being, introducing me to his friends, calling when he says he will, consistency in both his approach to me & his efforts to be a part of my life.

I find players can be pretty easily avoided when you set a standard for yourself & a quotient for the amount of bull**** you're willing to put up with before walking away. Mine would be fairly low.

The Big Red Button

No direct experience of it myself. (Either as player or ... play-ee? )

I've seen it happen to friends, and I've seen friends do it. Interestingly, in my own experience, I've actually seen women do it to men, a lot more than the other way around.

It's horrible to see it happen - and especially to a friend. It can really knock a person's confidence.

Although I can't help but think, myself, that quite often a person might have self-esteem issues in the first place, that they don't leave at the first signs of trouble, and that they'll put up with the crap for any length of time.

I guess that I just can't imagine being with someone, loving them and respecting them and caring for them, unless I was getting just as much love and respect and care in return. I'd be very quick to walk away from a relationship if I wasn't confident of this; I suppose I find it difficult to understand the mindset of someone who wouldn't. Despite the fact that, as I said, I've seen it happen quite a few times. I guess perhaps you just can't understand it properly until you've been through it yourself.

Ickle Magoo

Never been played in that I've come across someone who really has successfully pulled the wool over my eyes - had a couple of horrendously unhealthy relationships that had red flags coming out the wazoo that I wilfully turned a blind eye to while compartmentalising and rationalising all the - as I look back - blatantly obvious signs I should have been out of there like a hot snot...but that's more me playing myself or allowing myself to be played than anybody else's fault.

seenitall

Lucyfur wrote: »

I've never been played. I've had a really rubbish relationship, but I wouldn't class it as being played.

Same here. Just some baaaad relationships, but I can't honestly say I've been played in any of them because looking back there were red flags all over the place, and I moronically refused to acknowledge them. So if I've been played, I've mostly been played by my silly self. :cool: It was my responsibility to take care of myself, and by getting involved with some selfish/irresponsible cad, and trusting people I shouldn't have, first and foremost I failed myself. This may be difficult to believe, OP, but once you start thinking like that, you feel much more empowered than you do thinking "I've been played". Acknowledging your responsibilities means learning from your mistakes.

Another thing is, it's not about the siht that happens to you, OP, it's about your attitude to it. Even if my bad experiences inform my behaviour now to an extent (and they do, of course they do, and it's a good thing), I've gone past them, they're history. They just mean that I needed some learning, and boy have I learned.

You can't dwell on it, you can't be feeling hurt/played/disappointed forever, you're just hurting yourself that way. My advice is work it out, punch some pillows, shout and yell when alone, or go talk to a professional, but whatever you do, stop harbouring it. Be a happy woman, not a played woman.

sassyj

Sure I've seen this story or very similar on boards.ie a few times already.

Wibbs

beks101 wrote: »

I find players can be pretty easily avoided when you set a standard for yourself & a quotient for the amount of bull**** you're willing to put up with before walking away. Mine would be fairly low.

This. A very good yardstick.

seenitall wrote: »

Same here. Just some baaaad relationships, but I can't honestly say I've been played in any of them because looking back there were red flags all over the place, and I moronically refused to acknowledge them. So if I've been played, I've mostly been played by my silly self. :cool:

Yea, that pretty much sums it up S. A con artist needs a rube to precipitate the con. Same with guys in "friendzone". They're enabling it, even though they may not realise it, or do, but are holding out for more. With women they tend to end up more in "Bonkzone"(tm)(c). A pretty identical state of play where they're looking for more, but getting less, with bullshít keeping them in play. Broadly speaking the Friendzone bloke is giving the emotional/attention part of a healthy relationship minus the romantic part. Actually, down to brass tacks, minus the sexual part. The "Bonkzone"(tm)(c) woman is giving the sexual part, minus the emotional/attention part. In the case of both, the object of these needs, the "player/playeress" is often good at giving enough of a hint of a promise to keep the person hoping that they will get what they want.

A healthy romantic relationship has support and sex and consistency with low levels of BS. If one is missing, then you're likely being played.

Tigger99

I can already imagine the "Boardsie One" campaign to free Wibbs:pac:

Like beks I'm a huge believer in actions over words. Also if the person makes me doubt/justify myself I try and take a step back and think to myself am i overreacting or are they being a tool. I've learnt that if you don't value yourself that you'll seek validation in the wrong places, including player types.

Also if I've guessed correctly this is the same poster that has posted repeatedly about the same hurt & pain they. have experienced. please get counselling, it really does help, it definitely did for me.

seenitall

Wibbs wrote: »

support and sex and consistency with low levels of BS

...otherwise known as the Holy Grail... :pac:

Agreed with others, I think I've seen this story before, with the same phrasing being used, so +1 for the counselling (as I've said). It's just a bit of help with working stuff out for yourself!

ash23

I try not to fall into the "I've been played" frame of mind. I've been cheated on by a few, left by one when I was pregnant....so it's not like I've had all good relationships.
But generally speaking, with a bit of time and perspective, I can look back and realise that I ignored the warning signs or alarm bells or that I stayed in a relationship too long. Or that I got into a relationship which was never going to work.

Personally I feel that taking ownership of my own shortcomings in these instances, helps me more than putting it all on the other person and as a result I learned from my mistakes (I hope).

Of course I'm not saying it's someones fault if they get lied to or cheated on. But I would think it's a rare instance where there wasn't a good deal of excuse making and enabling going on from the person being played.

Da Shins Kelly

I haven't been physically cheated on, but I've had my emotions toyed with, for sure. That's what it felt like anyway.

Hardonraging

I remember in my early 20's a girl toying with me at the time, emotionally more so than anything, i soon learned to spot the signs, in saying that I've had plenty of other stable, but not productive relationships, over the years.

And i'm glad to say I've never played anyone, in fact i find that sort of behaviour to be devious, i'm a firm believer in being honest about things, as that eliminates the need to physically or emotionally fúck with somebody ..

Merkin

I've a pretty low tolerance for bull**** tbh although that only comes from experience. I wouldn't say I've been played but I've kissed whole colonies of toads. I'm also a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. I fell in love with my OH (now husband) because he wasn't all talk and no action, more the opposite. He consistently does amazingly sweet and fantastic things without even telling me he's going to do them. Reliability and consistency sound like a somewhat dated values but they sure counts for a lot when choosing someone you want to share your life with. I do think a lot of women are knowingly played too, i.e. being hopelessly attracted to an out and out bastard who you know is feeding you lines....that soon becomes tiresome though!

Ah_Yeah

I've been played. However, and here is the most important point that most women omit: Because I allowed myself to be played.

When it comes to being played (and in this instance I'm not referring to emotional or physical abuse, just the classic leading people on, etc), I strongly believe that we are not victims. We have the power to allow or not allow a man to have such a strong hold on us that we place them on a pedestal and accept any scrap of attention they give us.

My self esteem was so low that I ignored all the times he said "I don't want a relationship", and zoned in on the TINIEST of things that I could pull together into a reasonable argument that it would go somewhere.

He never manipulated me, he just took from me what I allowed him to take - my self esteem, confidence, and dignity.

If I had any sense in me I would have walked after the first time he said he wasn't able to commit.

I can tell you this much though, I snapped out of it fairly lively when he got into a relationship with someone else without so much as a warning, went and got counselling, and learned to love myself, instead of letting my self esteem depend on how I am seen through others' eyes.

I now can call it when someone starts to play me, and take it as absolutely no reflection on myself. Because I know what I have to offer, and if a guy can't see that, well then he's a bloody fool.

I've never played anyone - I treat people how I want to be treated, am upfront and honest, even if it means having to strap on a pair and tell someone I'm just not that into them.

Da Shins Kelly

Ah_Yeah wrote: »

I've been played. However, and here is the most important point that most women omit: Because I allowed myself to be played.

When it comes to being played (and in this instance I'm not referring to emotional or physical abuse, just the classic leading people on, etc), I strongly believe that we are not victims. We have the power to allow or not allow a man to have such a strong hold on us that we place them on a pedestal and accept any scrap of attention they give us.

My self esteem was so low that I ignored all the times he said "I don't want a relationship", and zoned in on the TINIEST of things that I could pull together into a reasonable argument that it would go somewhere.

He never manipulated me, he just took from me what I allowed him to take - my self esteem, confidence, and dignity.

If I had any sense in me I would have walked after the first time he said he wasn't able to commit.

I can tell you this much though, I snapped out of it fairly lively when he got into a relationship with someone else without so much as a warning, went and got counselling, and learned to love myself, instead of letting my self esteem depend on how I am seen through others' eyes.

I now can call it when someone starts to play me, and take it as absolutely no reflection on myself. Because I know what I have to offer, and if a guy can't see that, well then he's a bloody fool.

I've never played anyone - I treat people how I want to be treated, am upfront and honest, even if it means having to strap on a pair and tell someone I'm just not that into them.

I agree that people allow themselves to be played, rather than having the wool pulled completely over their eyes. That said, it can be difficult to see how badly you're fcuking yourself over when you really like someone. It can take some time before you eventually come to the realisation that you need to move on and it can be tough to come to terms with that. I think sometimes denial and maybe infatuation can cloud judgement and in get in the way of making the right decisions. People tend to follow their hearts rather than their heads in these matters, I think.

Ah_Yeah

Da Shins Kelly wrote: »

I agree that people allow themselves to be played, rather than having the wool pulled completely over their eyes. That said, it can be difficult to see how badly you're fcuking yourself over when you really like someone. It can take some time before you eventually come to the realisation that you need to move on and it can be tough to come to terms with that. I think sometimes denial and maybe infatuation can cloud judgement and in get in the way of making the right decisions. People tend to follow their hearts rather than their heads in these matters, I think.

I agree with you 100%. That was my situation entirely. I was so infatuated that I tried to find any reason to stay chasing him. But I finally got a kick in the behind and pulled myself together, and realise that I was ultimately responsible for my own happiness and should not have been relying on him.

But you are dead right - tried to get that across in my post but I'm not a wordsmith tonight!

fits

Low self esteems is what feeds this beast though. And low self esteem and lack of boundaries are very common in young women especially. And there are plenty of people willing to take advantage of that to suit their own ends.

Roadtrippin

chatterpillar wrote: »

Although I can't help but think, myself, that quite often a person might have self-esteem issues in the first place, that they don't leave at the first signs of trouble, and that they'll put up with the crap for any length of time.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

...but that's more me playing myself or allowing myself to be played than anybody else's fault.

There is a lot of truth to this, I reckon. In order to get played sometimes you have to be blind to the game and that often stems from lack of experience or self-esteem issues. It happened to me once or twice and it didn't feel nice!

Although it probably is a more empowering way to look at a situation like that by saying 'I ignored too many red flags at the time' or 'I should work on my self-esteem so I don't fall for a player', the whole reason why people get played is because the player uses their vulnerabilities to his/her advantage... So, the responsibility does not just lie with the person that got played!
So, don't be too quick blaming yourself (us girls tend to do that way too often) if you fall for it! Unfortunately there is plenty of d***heads out there that will take advantage and not always, no matter how savvy or self-confident you are, will you spot the player! That's what makes them players!
So, all I want to add to the conversation is, not to rush to blaming yourself if you got played! Sh** happens and in a scenario where someone got played, the player is just as responsible as the 'playee' if not more since he/she spotted the vulnerabilities in the first place and took advantage!

seenitall

^^ I don't know about others, but your way of thinking does absolutely nothing for me. It just doesn't apply. Looking back, there is no point pretending that anyone with any sense would fall in a million years for the men I used to fall for at a certain point in my life, unless they were willfully blind to everything but their own agenda.

So yeah, all the unhappiness was my fault, and no one else's, and as a testament to this I can tell you that, ever since I copped on to myself a few years ago, I've never had any bad experiences with the opposite sex at all (bar the odd disappointment of an unrealised crush etc, same as for any single person), because I just learned to value myself more than I did before, and not go into any old relationship willfully blind and ignorant to the quality of the person I'm with. It's that simple. Whatever their issues were, my issues were all about me, not them.

Those red flags that have been mentioned are very real. They fairly scream at you at times. So it's akin to going into an institution for the criminally insane or similar, and choosing your next boyfriend from the pick of the bunch in there. Nothing good was ever going to come of it, and the decision to go there in search of a boyfriend has nothing to do whatsoever with the criminally insane person I chose.

Roadtrippin

seenitall wrote: »

Looking back, there is no point pretending that anyone with any sense would fall in a million years for the men I used to fall for at a certain point in my life, unless they were willfully blind to everything but their own agenda.

How about being 'unwillfully' blind? I don't see that as an unforgivable trait. There is more to choices we make in life than just our own unhappiness.

Lack of experience, for example, plays into it and I wouldn't blame myself for falling for someone in the past that was wrong for me but put it down as an experience and move on. As Oscar Wilde put it... Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.

Also, I can assure you that if same discussion was had among a couple of guys, for example, they wouldn't put as much blame on themselves.
Blaming myself for everything dumb I've ever done never got me anywhere.

Ickle Magoo

I'm with seenitall.

I'm not "blaming" myself - I'm accepting that the facts were clearly there in front of me and I wilfully refused to see them - that is just recounting a learning experience, no? There was no coercion, no lying, no duping, no pulling of wool over eyes, no taking advantage of...in fact, in once memorable instance they were absolutely honest and upfront that they were the world's worst boyfriend and incapable of being part of a faithful, respectful, healthy relationship! Duh!

I think blaming anything/everything else and not learning the very obvious lessons about why I should should have boundaries and insist they are respected even if it means head ruling heart would have left me in a much more vulnerable and unhealthy place. :cool:

Roadtrippin

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'm with seenitall.

I'm not "blaming" myself - I'm accepting that the facts were clearly there in front of me and I wilfully refused to see them - that is just recounting a learning experience, no? There was no coercion, no lying, no duping, no pulling of wool over eyes, no taking advantage of...in fact, in once memorable instance they were absolutely honest and upfront that they were the world's worst boyfriend and incapable of being part of a faithful, respectful, healthy relationship! Duh!

I think blaming anything/everything else and not learning the very obvious lessons about why I should should have boundaries and insist they are respected even if it means head ruling heart would have left me in a much more vulnerable and unhealthy place. :cool:

Fair enough. But my point is that the reason you have those boundaries is by learning from your experiences. You'd probably spot someone that isn't right for you now from miles away since you met the wrong type in the past. But would that have been the case when you were younger and less experienced?
Or what if it wasn't blatantly obvious from the start that a guy was wrong for you? It's not like relationships are a static thing - people change during or maybe pretended at the start of a relationship.
In my experience it hasn't always been as straight forward as 'there were red flags from the start'. Once emotions are involved people don't always think straight and sometimes make choices that may seem wrong in hindsight but at the time... that's a different story.

seenitall

Roadtrippin wrote: »

Fair enough. But my point is that the reason you have those boundaries is by learning from your experiences. You'd probably spot someone that isn't right for you now from miles away since you met the wrong type in the past. But would that have been the case when you were younger and less experienced?
Or what if it wasn't blatantly obvious from the start that a guy was wrong for you? It's not like relationships are a static thing - people change during or maybe pretended at the start of a relationship.
In my experience it hasn't always been as straight forward as 'there were red flags from the start'. Once emotions are involved people don't always think straight and sometimes make choices that may seem wrong in hindsight but at the time... that's a different story.

Well, that's what I'm talking about, too. I used to get my emotions involved too quickly, and so I had to learn the hard way not to trust a guy until there is evidence of a clear lack of red flags on the path. Which brings it back to being my responsibility again (don't be so quick to trust, think before you leap, get to know someone well before falling in love, that type of thing), no matter how you cut it.

You see, some people are well able to do all this kind of reasoning and vetting from an early age, while some other people never learn, ever. So it's a bit simplistic to put it purely on the inexperience, although of course, experience has a lot to do with how we tackle these things in life. But, in any case, you certainly don't learn a thing from the experience until you start taking stock of your role in it.

(BTW, people change during the relationships, yes, but that's not what this thread is about. It's the ones that pretend, that are the problem, or, more to the point, the ones that we pretend we can see nothing wrong with...)

Also, I couldn't care less what any group of guys would be saying in a similar conversation or where they would be placing blame; for me, evading responsibility for the dumb stuff I've done in my life would never get me anywhere, while taking reponsibility for my mistakes and learning from them helps me grow and never go back to the bad old days.

P.S. I've just thought of another way to put it for you, Roadtrippin; if it weren't that guy that time who conned me and fleeced me, it would have been someone else (and I know that because right before him there was another disaster of a relationship, only of a lesser magnitude, that's all - things were just heading in that direction, from bad to worse, you know?). The common denominator in all this was ME. Nothing to do with guys. Of course, it's not a great thing on their part that one of them was a stalkerish nightmare and the other a thief with mental health issues (and some other things), but as far as I am concerned, I as good as sought them out, I certainly wanted unhappiness on some level. I was the single bright thread running through the pattern of these relationships (to put it vividly). It was a stage I was in - in my life. A couple of years of crises and harsh lessons. I am beyond that stage now, that stage is long over, because I heeded those lessons. Lessons about myself, not about men.

tallaghtmick

Was played in my early 20's but in fairness I was a shy gullible idiot who deserved it but it still hurt getting used,nowadays im a complete diff person and wont allow myself to be played,the one thing that annoys me is when female friends get a new fella and cant be arsed with you then text a day after a break up wanting everything the way it was,usually I dont reply as they way I see it I wasnt really a friend only someone you want attention from.

seenitall

^^ Absolutely, and cutting off users like these is also a good way of asserting your boundaries and leading a healthy existence.

tallaghtmick

seenitall wrote: »

^^ Absolutely, and cutting off users like these is also a good way of asserting your boundaries and leading a healthy existence.

One example,ex GF is now engaged,had a fight with her fiance texts me at 12ish and wants to chat about the old days.

1. Im up for work early
2. The old days where mental.
3. Not worth the effort as I wont hear from her again until they fight :pac:

For the ladies here:Do fellas do this aswell? from my experience ive stayed friends with all my close girls mates just in a less flirty way(im a very flirty person)

Ickle Magoo

Roadtrippin wrote: »

Fair enough. But my point is that the reason you have those boundaries is by learning from your experiences. You'd probably spot someone that isn't right for you now from miles away since you met the wrong type in the past. But would that have been the case when you were younger and less experienced?
Or what if it wasn't blatantly obvious from the start that a guy was wrong for you? It's not like relationships are a static thing - people change during or maybe pretended at the start of a relationship.
In my experience it hasn't always been as straight forward as 'there were red flags from the start'. Once emotions are involved people don't always think straight and sometimes make choices that may seem wrong in hindsight but at the time... that's a different story.

Sure, but the original question - and thus the response you quoted - was regarding whether I'd been played. I hadn't - I still don't think I have been and no amount of claiming inexperience or emotional blinkers magically changes naivety/over-enthusiasm/utter stupidity into "being played"...

seenitall

^^ Further to this, as I have said, I don't feel I've been played by a player, but I can say that I have been stolen money by a boyfriend (as said), or conned, so at the end of the day, one can take it as being played, I don't mind. The main thing is to move on and "live to fight another day".