Breaking through the final break up

CHNSA

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years AGAIN. This is a regular thing these days and we just keep getting back together and prolonging our misery. I am 39 years old and a divorced mom of two great kids. When we originally started dating I was not looking to get married again but things changed. He is great with my kids and spent 3 to 5 nights a week at my house. I asked him to move in a year ago but he did not want to do that. He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever. He says he wants to be my partner and he does do a lot to help me financially.

He says, "We'll never get out and do anything fun if I move to the suburbs..." I have to live in the suburbs for the good schools and I can not afford private school tuition.

Last month he went on a 10 day trip to the other side of the world without me to visit a friend. I guess my resentment toward that was based on the fact that in truth we are not partners and he does what ever he wants to do.

Recently he let a mutual friend of ours come and stay with him for a month while she was in between places. That put me into a demented rage because she gets to live with him and I don't. They are platonic.

I have been so upset and I have behaved very childishly. This has become a pattern in our relationship when I get angry at him. I text and call and email incessantly and sometimes I am very mean. We always get back together. He says he loves me.

I am so affected by this it is interfering with my daily life. We broke up last Monday after our friend moved into his house. I left work early today saying I was sick. I went to his house to return his key and ended up breaking our mutual friend's flower pot on the front porch in a fit because he never came to the door. I left the key in the mailbox and left. Then I called and screamed and cursed him out saying I hate you. Then called some more crying saying I love you. I have become a crazy *****.

I have got to make a clean break. Could someone please explain to me the difference between love and this insanity? I can not get over the fact he won't make a commitment to me. Why would he at this point?

He has compared me to his ex wife, saying he thought making a commitment to her would make her better but it didn't. He has told me,
"Maybe you want more than I have to offer.
You just want to be saved; someone to take care of you.
You need to tighten up your ship if that is what you want. (meaning finances)
You're just mad because you are not Cinderella with a glass slipper."

There is a reason I am so insecure in this relationship. I really wasn't crazy until I started feeling so rejected. I love him so I have been taking what I can get.

ash23

It's not that he won't commit. It's that he won't do what you want him to do. He doesn't want to live in the suburbs and you don't want to move into the city. Stalemate. Either you end it or you accept that you cannot live together. Your reasons for refusing to move are not more valid than his although you seem to think you have the upper hand.
You can't resent him for being able to travel. HE doesn't have children. YOU do. Get over it. I have a child and a boyfriend and until the day we have a child together, he is childless. I wouldn't expect him to organise sitters or childcare. The child is mine. My responsibility. I chose to have her and that meant a limit to my freedom. He did not choose to have a child yet so he doesn't have to consider himself a parent.

You sound possessive, bossy, demanding and stubborn. And with your actions, you sound violent. Even by the things he has said to you, he is beginning to think you are too needy and just looking for someone to look after you.
It's unlikely he will get back with you after your recent actions. Learn to be independent, to stand on your own two feet. Don't look for someone to save you, save yourself. Provide for your children and yourself. Never become reliant on someone else to do that for you because that is how you end up afraid to leave a bad relationship.

Ellsbells

If someone acted that violently to me, a friend or my property I would run a mile.

Its obvious this relationship is not for you as its so unhealthy. Get some counselling and move on. Leave this guy alone as you seem toxic together.

Hardonraging

Based on what you're saying, this guy seems happen in his life, and content to keep going as is .. you on the other hand come across as very childish, i know if i were in his position i'd not want to move in with you, in fact i'd have prob ended the relationship a long time ago also !

Instead of flying off the handle why not try and thing before you react to what's going on, if there's any hope of this guy ever moving in, or your relationship moving forward you need to show him that you can be stable.

CHNSA

Thank you. You guys are right. I probably am not stable enough to be in a relationship at all. However, I can take care of myself. I am a professional woman. I think the next step will be learning how to move on and accepting that it is over. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I don't feel good about myself at all. I know I have been wrong. Now I just want to move away. I've lived here for three years and I built my life around him and his friends.

CarMe

In the early days with my partner I remember feeling crazy too, more crazy in love mind rather than what you describe but crazy none the less so I do really feel for you, but you have children and they cannot be witness to this behaviour. Whatever you do about the relationship, -and for what it's worth I think the issues lie with you rather than the relationship- definitely don't subject your children to something so volatile.
All the best I really do hope everything works out for you.

CHNSA

The 'violent' flower pot incident was isolated and unwitnessed. My kids were in school.
Our relationship is unbalanced because he doesn't LOVE me enough to share a life with me where I live. I can't afford to live downtown and send my children to private school. I would have moved there if I could in a heartbeat.

Some women get to live with their man. Not me.

Anyway, I made an appointment to see a professional on Friday. I already knew I was crazy.

CarMe

CHNSA wrote: »

The 'violent' flower pot incident was isolated and unwitnessed. My kids were in school.
Our relationship is unbalanced because he doesn't LOVE me enough to share a life with me where I live. I can't afford to live downtown and send my children to private school. I would have moved there if I could in a heartbeat.

Some women get to live with their man. Not me.

Anyway, I made an appointment to see a professional on Friday. I already knew I was crazy.

But when you say he doesn't love you enough to share a life with you, what you seem to mean is give up his life as he knows it. Surely you can compromise, not all people get to live with their partners. If the love is there you don't need to tick all the boxes of conventional living.

CHNSA

Apparently I can not compromise because it has been driving me crazy for a year now. I'd rather be alone than feel like I am not worth it. Where is his compromise?

CHNSA

Anyway, we have not spoken in over a week and I do believe it is really over. I accept that.

Ellsbells

CHNSA wrote: »

Anyway, we have not spoken in over a week and I do believe it is really over. I accept that.

Good thats the wisest move. Move on and meet someone who can love you the way you want.

CarMe

CHNSA wrote: »

Apparently I can not compromise because it has been driving me crazy for a year now. I'd rather be alone than feel like I am not worth it. Where is his compromise?

I would have thought his compromise was staying at your house/being great with your kids 3 to 5 nights a week. That sounds like a heck of a compromise to me, leaving his own home to be in yours for the majority of the week?

CHNSA

I just want to know for sure someone is coming home to me every night.

Ellsbells

Well maybe this isn't the guy for you

CHNSA

Right.

Idle Passerby

He may be trying to let you down gently when he says hes not able to give you what you want. It sounds like you both fundamentally want different things, your priority is your kids whereas his is himself and he's entitled to that.

CHNSA

I am just having a hard time. I wish we'd never fallen in love. It's over, I know.

CHNSA

I kind of wish some of you would say everyone flips out from time to time.

CarMe

CHNSA wrote: »

I kind of wish some of you would say everyone flips out from time to time.

Everyone does flip out from time to time but in your case it just seems very irrational to be honest. I think it's a great that you've arranged to see a professional and Im sure it will help hugely with any relationship you embark on in the future, be it with this particular man or not.

CHNSA

Is flipping out ever rational?

CarMe

CHNSA wrote: »

Is flipping out ever rational?

That's debatable but my point is, the reasons and the extent of your flip outs just seem really really extreme which you've agreed with in earlier posts. It sounds to me like you aren't ready to be in a relationship at the moment.

CHNSA

I guess I am the only crazy one on this relationship forum, except for the one woman who was "crazy in love". Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I came here to confess and maybe find others who have traveled similar journeys and gotten through to the other side. Yes, I admitted my behavior is bad from the first post and I have been very hard on myself. I know he's not for me. I have to deal with what is left and what I have done.

CarMe

CHNSA wrote: »

I guess I am the only crazy one on this relationship forum, except for the one woman who was "crazy in love". Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I came here to confess and maybe find others who have traveled similar journeys and gotten through to the other side. Yes, I admitted my behavior is bad from the first post and I have been very hard on myself. I know he's not for me. I have to deal with what is left and what I have done.

You're attitude leaves an awful lot to be desired. You've been given plentiful constructive advice, if you want people to tell you stories about times they smashed peoples property in a fit of rage or hounded people by e-mail, phone etc abusing them then you've probably come to the wrong place OP, not because it's never happened to anyone before but because this forum is for people to get and give advice.

CHNSA

I am moving forward. I believe I have been honest here. I appreciate the advice.

LegacyUser

Every relationship requires give and take. Your boyfriend does not have children of his own but has stayed with you 3 to 5 nights a week and gets on well with your children.
He has told you I don't want to move to your area as living in the city suits him better.
Meanwhile you know if you have to move into the city you would need to send your children to a private school which you could not afford.
As a mother you have a lot more to consider that your oh about were you live, your children and there education.
You have to accept that this relationship has ended and that you need help with your anger issues. You need to get your self sorted out as it is not good for you or your children for you to have anger issues.
In time you could meet someone who wants the same things as you.

CHNSA

I'd say this to myself:

Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. Stay active.
Make a list of the things you have done wrong. Don't rethink your decision and get back together.
Cope with the hate phase. Don't allow yourself to lose control.
Talk to your friends. Write your feelings down. Out with the old, in with the new. Let go of negative emotions.

CHNSA

Believe me, I did not come here to hear I am a terrible person.

danslevent

CHNSA wrote: »

I'd say this to myself:

Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. Stay active.
Make a list of the things you have done wrong. Don't rethink your decision and get back together.
Cope with the hate phase. Don't allow yourself to lose control.
Talk to your friends. Write your feelings down. Out with the old, in with the new. Let go of negative emotions.

.
Hey op, I'm usually more a lurker but I thought i would post as you're up late too and clearly in an agitated state over everything. I'm typing on my phone so excuse any mistakes etc. the incident with your boyfriend was quite dramatic concerning the flower pot etc. you know that yourself and are seeking help, you should try let it go for now. We have all done crazy things when in a relationship and feeling insecure, a friend of mine when in a long distance relationship used to continually hysterically cry down the phone to her boyfriend as she felt insecure with the distance! Of course this behavious isn't normal, but don't beat yourself up over it. You know it was irrational etc and going to get help on dealing with your insecurities. Well done on taking that step. Maybe at the moment being in a relationship isn't the best thing for you. I find on these forums people can be very quick to say "cut ties" and not think of the emotional part but if this relationship is diving you to this behaviour, it's clearly very unhealthy for your mental health. For now I would suggest just concentrating on your kids and, easier said than done I know!, not thinking about the boyfriend. Be strong and you will feel much better after you've talked to a professional, they always put things in perspective. You should give your mind a break and go to bed, maybe go breathe in some fresh air and thinking positive things before sleeping. Take care op, best of luck

Stavro Mueller

I think it boils down to you wanting this relationship too much. You've probably got too much hanging on it and that could be feeding into your insecurity, jealousy and anger. It's clear to me that this guy and you aren't on the same page despite what he has been telling you. A relationship where the two people keep breaking up isn't a healthy one either and you get into an unhealthy cycle. I'm glad that you're seeking help because I think you have an awful lot to unload onto people better qualified to help than us.

CHNSA

Thanks! I am in the USA. It is only 9:09 PM here. I think I'm on a European forum, which is good for me because no one knows me.

CHNSA

It's OK. I will seek professional help. Thanks y'all.

CHNSA

“This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.”

"Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?"
-Walt Whitman

CHNSA

I smashed someone's flower pot out of anger. This is not the correct forum to admit such things.

Ickle Magoo

CHNSA wrote: »

It's OK. I will seek professional help. Thanks y'all.

You've had lots of good advice. Since you've made a decision to get professional help and your last few posts are really more appropriate to a diary/blog I'm going to go ahead and lock this thread.

All the best, OP.