Scared of being alone

SineadMarie

Just looking for people opinions on this one i guess a lot of women when they hit 30 are scared of being alone but why? I'm out of my second relationship this year turned 30 in March, when i finished with my ex i got a horrible feeling that god i'm not gonna find anyone else, happy being single for the mo anyway. Just wondering has anyone else to add to this or did anyone ever feel the same??

cdaly_

I know of a couple of sisters who around 40 decided they were 'born again virgins'. 10 years later they're all hitched in one fashion or another...

LegacyUser

I would assume alot people male or female feels like they'll never meet someone else when a relationship ends, no? Being emotional involved with another person can be a big investment and it can feel like losing part of yourself when it ends and our social life may have become very involved in the relationship as well so you can find you feel more isolated and alone then you thought as your whole social circle can be effected.

As for why some might fear being along well as we age our lifestyle changes and how you meet people changes. It can viewed as harder to develop a relationship via a work environment for many compared to in a college setting and your ratio of single friends vs friends in long term relationships tends to change as you grow older and for some that is seen as a block. Many feel friends with partners and kids are no longer free for going out to pubs and clubs and even those friends in relationships that might still be up for going out won't have the same focus on meeting people you do and that can make it uncomfortable for you. For women it can be more focused on age as they may want kids but would like to avoid having them to late in life.

Personally it doesn't bother me, I'm a 32 year old single girl and I feel if I meet someone fine if I don't o well. I'm pretty happy with my life and certainly have no fear of being 'alone' but I find a very high number of friends do but interestingly it appears to be the guys more then the girls.

I think when you are ready to date you simply need to make adjustments from 20's/college/school/younger you dating to current you dating and it won't be nearly as bad as you think - my 60+ year old widowed mother started dating again recently by joining a local sports club [she hadn't gone looking for date or so she claims ]. Try getting involved in activities, clubs, events etc as a way to meet people rather then bars and clubs or just change the type of pub rather then going to the same ones you went to when you were 20. You can leave it to faith and figure if your meant to meet someone you will so don't need to do anything or if that is just a little too scary go for online dating.

metaoblivia

This is something I don't really understand. I'm 31, don't have a boyfriend, and I'm totally unafraid of the future. If I meet someone and go down the path of having kids, great. If not, that's still great.

I don't have - and have never had - this overwhelming urge to find someone and settled down. And truthfully, I thought that would change by this time. I thought I'd be more into the idea of kids and settling down. But I'm not. I look at my niece and nephew and while I love them, I can't help but be glad that I don't have children of my own.

And men - men are great and it's wonderful when you find one you connect with. But there's so much out there in life that even when you don't have a man in your life, there's a lot to do and look forward to. I guess I just don't see the point in worrying or wishing for a life you don't have, when there's a life right in front of you to make the most of.

riveratom

metaoblivia wrote: »

This is something I don't really understand. I'm 31, don't have a boyfriend, and I'm totally unafraid of the future. If I meet someone and go down the path of having kids, great. If not, that's still great.

I don't have - and have never had - this overwhelming urge to find someone and settled down. And truthfully, I thought that would change by this time. I thought I'd be more into the idea of kids and settling down. But I'm not. I look at my niece and nephew and while I love them, I can't help but be glad that I don't have children of my own.

And men - men are great and it's wonderful when you find one you connect with. But there's so much out there in life that even when you don't have a man in your life, there's a lot to do and look forward to. I guess I just don't see the point in worrying or wishing for a life you don't have, when there's a life right in front of you to make the most of.

Exactly the same for me speaking as a bloke!

Madam_X

I'm 34, last serious relationship ended three years ago. By now I'm well used to being single and having the odd casual encounter to scratch the auld itch. I'd like the real deal again all right but I'm kinda lazy about really going for it - and probably a bit scared.
If I wanted kids, I'd be panicking for sure, but I don't particularly.

"Single at 30 = single for life" though is not a logical way of looking at things (I think a lot of people can be way too hard on themselves in this regard) even though it's true your chances diminish as you get older. They don't vanish though.

Ellsbells

You can't plan these things. I know a girl whose husband was killed on their second anniversary. You need to build a life for you and have a man and kids as a happy addition to that not the centre of that.

Plan a life that will make you happy and anything else is a bonus.

SineadMarie

Yea i guess thats true, i'm seeing a counsellor and its helping. I get so anxious about the future i wish i didnt feel like i need someone to feel secure

Ellsbells

You can't rely on anyone else to make you feel secure. Couples break up every day after years, people die and you can be left 'alone' many times throughout your life. You need to be the constant in your own life and it's best to have your life set up where you are happy andbas I said look on the rest as a bonus for as long as it lasts.

SineadMarie

I'm still so hung up on the ex, like today i just feel so anixous and just want to pick up my phone and contact him. Its awful i've been strong up until now i'm not going to but i'm just craving what he offered me if that makes sense. How do i accept this and find security in myself

Ellsbells

SineadMarie wrote: »

I'm still so hung up on the ex, like today i just feel so anixous and just want to pick up my phone and contact him. Its awful i've been strong up until now i'm not going to but i'm just craving what he offered me if that makes sense. How do i accept this and find security in myself

Why did you break up? If it go to the point of being over then there was no security in the relationship because it was not working.

SineadMarie

Ellsbells wrote: »

SineadMarie wrote: »

I'm still so hung up on the ex, like today i just feel so anixous and just want to pick up my phone and contact him. Its awful i've been strong up until now i'm not going to but i'm just craving what he offered me if that makes sense. How do i accept this and find security in myself

Why did you break up? If it go to the point of being over then there was no security in the relationship because it was not working.

His issues not mine so i keep telling myself im having a hard time dealing with it though,i feel like he broke me messed with my head a lot like we were getting back together then not. He was violent on one occasion he controlled me,so why do is it i cant move on. I dont think its him i miss its the security. He was a bit of a bully but other times made me feel very safe. Im just afraid hes hurt me so much that ill never get back to myself

Ellsbells

Safe? How considering he was violent and a bully.

You need to keep going to counselling and work hard at that. Forget him and work on yourself. Better to be single than in an abusive relationship.

Gina101

To be honest, I don't know why the mention of the age. I know women, and even I myself, have felt scared of being alone at the ages of 23,26,28 you can be any age and feel scared of being alone!
My sister never stays out of a relationship for more than 2weeks,I dont approve of it, she just likes having a patner.Cant stand being alone.
Other women feel top of the world and they are like 40 and single!
I dont think age matters to be honest, when feeling like this, howeve,r if you havent got children and want them, thats a whole different chapter..:pac:

SineadMarie

Ellsbells wrote: »

Safe? How considering he was violent and a bully.

You need to keep going to counselling and work hard at that. Forget him and work on yourself. Better to be single than in an abusive relationship.

I know i keep telling myself that. When we were together he was great at the start then he slowly started to change. He would blame me for things he was so paranoid and insecure would be like "what are you doing with me your too good looking for me" i loved him though. Then when we broke up he wanted me then didnt. One night he put a hole in the wall with his fist when drunk,saying i was lucky it wasnt my head! I feel so emotionally damaged and scared of being alone since. Counselling is helping but i get so anxious some days i feel like i cant breathe.

Ellsbells

I'd be more scared of being in a relationship like that than being alone

Larianne

SineadMarie wrote: »

How do i accept this and find security in myself

Keep yourself busy. Go out, meet friends. Do things you didn't get a chance to do while you were in a relationship. You'll some realise, your life is better without him.

Keep working with the counsellor. Hope you feel less anxious soon.

gara

I would never outsource something as important as my happiness to someone else

dellas1979

I dont think youre going to like this response because its something you dont seem to believe in (yet anyways), but the only way to like being on your own, to love yourself and to love your own company, is to be on your own.

Try that for a while rather than getting into relationships that dont offer you anything or better you as a person. When you become more confident being on your own, you wont want to be in a relationship that is mediocre or/and stay in it because it is better than being on your own. Youll want more for yourself. Because youll respect yourself more.

More often than not, partners are used more as crutches (socially, emotionally or otherwise) because its better and seen as easier than being on your own - possibly better than being lonely sometimes. But as one poster said, Id rather be on my own than being in a crappy relationship for the sake of it.

okiss

Some people seem to think that once your in a relationship or are married that everything is wonderful but this is not always the case.
I know some woman who have always been in relationships and don't they just love telling you about there boyfriend/husband when they know your alone.
I think it is good to spend some time on your own rather then being in a relationship which is not making you happy or is going no where.
When your on your own you learn more about yourself, you have time to do the things you like or meet new people which you may not have met as part of a couple.
Also if your happy with your own life it shows when you meet new people.
I know that you ended a relationship that was going no where and he did not treat you well. You want him back as you think once your in a relationship you have security but what security do you have with a man who put his fist through a wall telling you it was lucky it was not you head.
Once he did this it was a warning signal to you about what could happen here if you stayed with him. Spend some time on your own and build up your confidence before having another relationship. Good Luck