Boyfriend bought me a present but I'm just angry! Am I just an ungrateful bit*h?

augusta24

Hi everyone!

Looking for some advice as I want to know am I really just a crazy bit*h??

Basically boyfriend just arrived up with flowers teddy and book for my birthday... 

Now I'm embarrassed to admit I'm not remotely happy... The last time he gave me flowers we had to throw them out and I was sick for a week... He knows I get bad allergies around flowers!!

I'm also kinda peeved about the teddy as I've told him before I have about a million from him, I'm not a little girl anymore and I jut think they are such a typical easy present for a girl... God I sound like such a cow don't I?!

I'm going to be seeing him later and I don't want to end up being a bi*tc* to him but there's part of me that is just annoyed that
 1 he clearly never listens to me
2 he just picked such an easy present and probably didn't put a whole lot of thought into it....

Someone please tell me what a cow I am so I can stop being angry with him  and just be grateful ...

augusta24

MagicMarker wrote: »

What did you really want?

Something thoughtful!

Moved from the Ladies' Lounge.

OP this is more of a Relationship Issue than a Ladies' Lounge topic

gubby

Grateful for what? if your not happy with your gift you should let him know. But, perhaps just say nothing for now. wait till its his birthday and buy him aftershave and a screwdriver.
I think its a man thing. My husband usually rings me in a panic from town the day before my birthday or christmas, moaning that he is tearing his hair out because he cant think what to get me. That makes me mad. I am usually planning for months before his birthday, listening out for things he says he likes etc
I do understand how you feel. You dont want to sound like an ungrateful bit*h but if you dont handle this you will end up like me 40 yrs down the line still getting stupid gifts. Some people I know just ask their husbands/boyfriends for the money so they can get what they want themselves but I would just hate that. if a man cant spend a little bit of time and thought into making his partner happy... whats the point.
Im still living in hope.. and actually, he is getting better. I got a kindle for christmas :-)

I think it's downright ungrateful.

You said you're not a little girl any more but you're throwing your toys out of the pram because you didn't get what you wanted.

There are more important things in life than presents, and if all you have to worry about is getting a teddy bear for your birthday, then consider yourself very very lucky.

saiint

your ungratefull and im surprized he would be still with you if you threw a fit over the present he bought you
if theirs anything worse i hate its when people bitch and moan about a present they get cause its not what they wanted
you clearly still have alot more growing up to do

LegacyUser

If he knows you have allergic reactions to flowers I think its pretty lazy on his part to not buy you a decent present and something you will like. What age are you and how long have you been going out? I work with a girl and if anybody leaves flowers near her - she is sneezing like crazy. Why buy something for somebody thats going to set off their allergies.
No effort on his part at all and I think you should let him know that you are pretty cheesed off with it.

Emme

OP, you are being ungrateful. Lots of women (a) aren't going out with someone or (b) are going out with somebody but he's too tight to buy them any presents.

Thank your boyfriend for the flowers and the teddy and if he's around for your next birthday or Christmas drop hints as to what you would like. Make sure it's realistic, for example a nice top or a pair of earrings.

Don't buy him a screwdriver for his birthday like somebody said, ask him what he would like in advance and he might pick up on this and do the same with you.

If you are allergic to the flowers give them to a friend who isn't and would like them.

If you're ungrateful and unpleasant to your boyfriend there are plenty of girls out there who wouldn't be and would be very happy to receive flowers and a teddy.

Count your blessings.

WhyGoBald

I don't see why you can't bring it up with him. Thank him but remind him that you are allergic to the flowers and so can't keep them. Take the opportunity at some future time to say that you don't like teddies and the next one he gives you goes straight to a charity.

I don't see why you have to spare his poor widdle feelings because he's a maaaan and doesn't know any better.

stargazer 68

WhyGoBald wrote: »

I don't see why you have to spare his poor widdle feelings because he's a maaaan and doesn't know any better.

I have to agree - this thing about 'its a man thing' is nonsense!! My b/f is extremely thoughtful and puts a lot of effort into any gifts I get.

OP is not being ungrateful she is just p***ed off that the guy she is with can't be bothered to use his head!! He knows she is allergic to flowers yet brings her some for her birthday, she has told him about the teddy thing yet he ignored that too! Sheer laziness and copping out.

MagicMarker

Well, there are two scenarios here.

1. Your BF knows you don't want anymore teddies and knows flowers cause you super allergies, but bought you these things anyway just to piss you off, because he hates you.

or

2. Your BF is under the impression that these are nice things that women usually love on their birthday, and he likes you and wants to give you nice things.

Moral of the story, it's the sentiment that counts. I would leave it for now, but keep it in mind the next time a flower buying celebratory occasion comes around, as although your BF might hear you saying "ah don't bother with anymore teddies" he's not really hearing you say it imo.

kayos

Lets see he bought you not one but 3 presents. Are material goods that important to you? Is your relationship based on emotions or goods? Sometimes the smallest cheapest present means more than a present worth a months salary.

kylith

If I were you I'd thank him very much, but point out that because of your allergies you can't keep the flowers, perhaps suggest he give them to his mum. I do think that it's a bit lax of him to forget that you're allergic, but he meant well. The teddy I wouldn't worry about at all.

In future mention something you'd like for your birthday a couple of weeks beforehand. Not "Isn't that a pretty X?", more "Wow, I'd love it if someone got me X for my birthday". Do this every year and you should have no more problems.

ABajaninCork

Yes, OP I think you're coming off as a bit of a cow...

Look - we've all been with men who can be lazy when it comes to presents. One Christmas, my now husband was working overtime and didn't have time to think about a present for me. You know what he did? Bought me a bottle of perfume at the airport and ordered a dozen red roses for me! :eek: I was annoyed at the lack of thought at first, and told him so. Especially as I'd gone to the trouble of making his favourite meal, getting thoughtful presents and pushing the boat out. But when I calmed down, I thought about it. And I decided it was silly to make such a fuss about nothing.

Now. We're married. And we're going through some really tough times ATM. Looking back that present seems extravagant compared to what we can get each other now! I got a Photoshop collage of pictures of us together for my birthday which I went out and got a cheap frame for. Pride of place in my living room. My husband also made me a screensaver for Valentine's day.

I think you're incredibly lucky to have a boyfriend who likes to buy nice things for you. Instead of copping the hump, smile, say thank you and then drop hints about the presents you'd REALLY like. Do it in such a way that he thinks it's all HIS idea!!

Meauldsegosha

OP you do sound like an ungrateful bitch but I understand where your coming from. Yes he brought you three gifts but there wasn't alot of thought or consideration put into them.

How long have you been together? If it's a long term relationship then I would be annoyed as he should know better then to buy you something your allergic to. If its a new relationship I would casually drop it in to conversation at some point something like thanks for the flowers but you shouldn't waste your money in future as my allergies mean I can't enjoy them.

I think i'd be grateful enough for the teddy but say what i really wanted.
i'd be ticked off about the flowers too in all honesty, it's not that OP just doesn't like them, she's actually allergic. A bit of cop on and he'd remember that. he's supposed to know her after all and put in a bit of effort

username123

Its hard to imagine that someone generally very thoughtful would suddenly buy such crappy presents (as in, presents that you think are crappy and he is aware of this, like the flowers allergy and the lots of teddys already), presumably he is not a very thoughtful individual all round? And if thats the case, and you want someone more thoughtful, perhaps you two are not a good match?

If its the case that he IS generally very thoughtful, and that this is out of character, then why not just ask him why he got such clichéd gifts for you?

WhyGoBald

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Yes, OP I think you're coming off as a bit of a cow...

If the OP went to dinner with someone who served them something that made them sick, then served them the same thing again the next time, would you still call her a cow for being annoyed?

I find it interesting how some posters are so angry at the OP, and how interesting that shaming words are being used. Bitch. Cow.

Are material goods that important to you? Is your relationship based on emotions or goods?

Nonsense, and more shaming. Maybe the OP just wants to be listened to and feel that there's been some thought put into the present, also not to be sick for a week.

If I were you I'd thank him very much, but point out that because of your allergies you can't keep the flowers, perhaps suggest he give them to his mum. I do think that it's a bit lax of him to forget that you're allergic, but he meant well. The teddy I wouldn't worry about at all.

In future mention something you'd like for your birthday a couple of weeks beforehand. Not "Isn't that a pretty X?", more "Wow, I'd love it if someone got me X for my birthday". Do this every year and you should have no more problems.

Good advice, and simple. Again, the advice that the OP is a bitch for not shutting up and being grateful, regardless of the circumstances, is just completely off.

ABajaninCork

WhyGoBald wrote: »

If the OP went to dinner with someone who served them something that made them sick, then served them the same thing again the next time, would you still call her a cow for being annoyed?

I find it interesting how some posters are so angry at the OP, and how interesting that shaming words are being used. Bitch. Cow.

Nonsense, and more shaming. Maybe the OP just wants to be listened to and feel that there's been some thought put into the present, also not to be sick for a week.

Good advice, and simple. Again, the advice that the OP is a bitch for not shutting up and being grateful, regardless of the circumstances, is just completely off.

Um - Nobody called the OP a b*tch or a cow. I certainly didn't. I said she was coming off as one. Big difference.

If you bothered to read the remainder of my post, I did go on to suggest that she might like to drop hints as to what she'd really like. Several other posters have suggested the same thing.

SineadMarie

Did you ever hear of the term its the thought that counts, seriously if you get annoyed over such little things i can't see the relationship lasting.

I'd be grateful to just have a boyfriend that obivously loves you and buys you little sweet things. Some men are simply rubbish at picking gifts. I'd hate to see you if there was a real problem in yor relationship like him cheating on you or something...

Lisha

Hi OP,

I get where you are coming from with being disappointed. TBH I think presents like teddies and flowers are a complete and utter waste of time and money. To me they are thoughtless non-presents. I cant have flowers in the house either my sinus would give me hell.
But I do think there is a bigger issue here. I suspect that you would like a present that shows how much your boyf understands and 'gets' you. It might not have to have been expensive, just relevant to you as a person. Its not being greeedy just about wanting to feel cherished and adored.
I agree that you need to discuss this with him and maybe accept that you need to be a bit more proactive on the hint dropping.

For the record Im with my husband 14yrs and now we have an agreement that he just gives me money (not a lot by the way), and I either get my hair done or buy shoes. But I do have a dream that he will arrive on with an amazing gift someday....... but until then Im not going to lose much sleep over it.

Do talk to him, at the end of the day the communication skills needed to build a happy relationship on are worth more than anything.

And by the way ......happy birthday:)

kayos

WhyGoBald wrote: »

Nonsense, and more shaming. Maybe the OP just wants to be listened to and feel that there's been some thought put into the present, also not to be sick for a week.

I was not shaming I was asking a question... honestly some of the best presents I've had have cost nothing but a little time. Getting hung up on material goods is not something I believe in. Its like the posts on the weddings forum you used see a few years back where the "engagement ring didn't cost enough how could he" type post used to appear.

Meauldsegosha

SineadMarie wrote: »

Did you ever hear of the term its the thought that counts, seriously if you get annoyed over such little things i can't see the relationship lasting.

I'd be grateful to just have a boyfriend that obivously loves you and buys you little sweet things. Some men are simply rubbish at picking gifts. I'd hate to see you if there was a real problem in yor relationship like him cheating on you or something...

But there was no thought put into the present he bought her something that can make her sick. I wouldn't be grateful for a boyfriend like that. I have T1 diabetes and my OH would never buy me a box of chocolates because he knows I rarely eat them. Her boyfriend knew she was allergic to flowers so should know better then to buy them.

kayos

kayos wrote: »

I was not shaming I was asking a question... honestly some of the best presents I've had have cost nothing but a little time. Getting hung up on material goods is not something I believe in. Its like the posts on the weddings forum you used see a few years back where the "engagement ring didn't cost enough how could he" type post used to appear.

Flowers make the OP sick: it is completely different to "x didn't cost enough".

OP wants the thought to count not the money - but he didn't think...

Piliger

augusta24 wrote: »

I'm going to be seeing him later and I don't want to end up being a bi*tc* to him but there's part of me that is just annoyed that
 1 he clearly never listens to me
2 he just picked such an easy present and probably didn't put a whole lot of thought into it....

Someone please tell me what a cow I am so I can stop being angry with him  and just be grateful ...

Hi OP - I actually think you are absolutely 100% RIGHT - actually

Guys use this old dumb excuse of 'it's a man thing' and 'jeez I forgot'. It's old and it's lame and it's pathetic.

I am a guy, and a guy who gives a damn about his girlfriend doesn't continually 'not listen' unless he's just along for the ride ... and yes I do mean the ride. A decent guy is constantly listening to see what his GF likes and doesn't like .. her favourite perfume, flower, etc.

This guys needs a good slap (proverbial) and if he doesn't shake himself up then you can do a LOT better OP. A LOT better than this excuse for a guy.

LegacyUser

I'm surprised at the number of posters that are saying the OP should put up and shut up, she should be grateful she has a boyfriend at all and to count her blessings etc etc.
Its her birthday and he knew it was her birthday and he buys her something thats gonna set off her allergies.
She never mentioned price or put a price on the overall gift - its the lack of thought that he put into it. From her post it seems she had given him hints but judging from the fact he gave her flowers - he either needs the hints to be more direct or he never listens to her.
I would hand him back the flowers and say thanks but can't keep them here as they are making me sick.

saltyporridge

OP just wondering if you liked the book you got? If my OH bought me a book I really wanted to read I'd be pretty happy.

Meller

I think people are being very harsh - you don't sound like an ungrateful cow at all.

No, it's not about material items - that's the point the OP is making, isn't it? It's NOT about the expense - it's about the thought, little of which this guy seemed to give it. I'm sure if he'd gotten her a more thoughtful, personal gift that cost a quarter of the price, there wouldn't be a problem.

I know it's only a trivial thing and may not apply to the more serious aspects of your relationship, but it's important that you listen to each other so naturally it's frustrating when it appears that he hasn't.

I would feel a bit cheesed off in your position too. Not because I wanted something better or more extravagant, just because I'd feel that he obviously doesn't know me as well as I'd like. I'd point it out, even jokingly at first, and then maybe you can talk about it.

Faith

kylith wrote: »

If I were you I'd thank him very much, but point out that because of your allergies you can't keep the flowers, perhaps suggest he give them to his mum. I do think that it's a bit lax of him to forget that you're allergic, but he meant well. The teddy I wouldn't worry about at all.

Exactly what I was going to say.

Every time a thread like this crops up, people can't wait to get on their high horses and tell the poster what a bitch she is. Absolute bollox. Everyone would be pissed off with a shíte present that showed an absolute lack of thought, and part of which they were allergic to.

I'd let it go for now, apart from handing back the flowers, but for the next occasion, I'd say something like "I'll appreciate anything you get me, but I think my teddy bear collection is far too big, so there's no point in getting me another!". Or just tell him straight out what you'd like.

LegacyUser

Did you ever hear of the term its the thought that counts, seriously if you get annoyed over such little things i can't see the relationship lasting.

??? ehhhh last time he bought her flowers she ended up sick for a week, he knew this, and still bought her flower...yeahh geez what a thoughtful guy... :roll:

OP I think you have every right to be annoyed, this "it's a man thing" cr*p really irritates me, all of my past bf's put loads of thought into any gifts they bought me, no matter how small, just because some women are prepared to accept men that use that feeble excuse in their own relationships doesn't mean all men are like that, or that all other women should have to put up with it and be thankful for such lazy meaningless gestures.

Madam_X

Apart from the book, he got you stuff for your birthday he knew you wouldn't want, which is strange form. I don't see why a person should be grateful in those circumstances. But ask yourself is it reasonable to be angry. It isn't, IMO. I agree with others: say it to him down the line but non confrontationally. I don't agree that it means you're materialistic, just baffled at a present, part of which he knows you would not have use for.
If it was just a one-off gesture I'd think it was sweet, but it's your birthday present. He remembered your birthday - that's standard.
And if he genuinely didn't know about the flowers etc, then it would be ungrateful of you, but that doesn't apply here. Although the teddy is perhaps meant as a cute gesture of affection so go easy on him in that regard.
It's not a man thing and definitely don't go down the road of a "revenge" present. :eek:
And the stuff about "be grateful you have a man" and "be grateful you have a man who's bought you anything at all" - seriously, that's just depressing stuff.

I think part of what has people's backs up here is your anger. Try to bear in mind it's not something to be that cross about.

iguana

SineadMarie wrote: »

Did you ever hear of the term its the thought that counts, seriously if you get annoyed over such little things i can't see the relationship lasting.

Yes, of course it's the thought that counts and getting her flowers when she is allergic to them shows precisely zero thought. No wonder the OP is annoyed. And a teddy, unless it has some special meaning to the OP or between the two of them, also shows very little thought, especially as the OP has previously told him she doesn't like teddies.

What about the book OP? Was that a thoughtful gift? Maybe a new release from a favourite author? Or on a subject you love or are keen to learn more about? If the book is one that shows he put some thought into what to get I'd be inclined to see the flowers and teddy as an attempt by him to 'bulk up' a thoughtful gift that he was worried wouldn't seem enough. In that case I'd give him genuine thanks for that gift and tell him it in itself was more than enough and he didn't need to get you anything else, then gently remind him of your flower allergy.

Apolloyon

OP, I can definitely see where you are coming from. I had a similar experience many years ago. It wasn't that I was ungrateful or grasping or demanding. It wasn't the cost of the item. It was simply that they did not LISTEN. When we receive a gift from someone we care about, it's not how much they spent on it or how flashy it is. It's the thought. It's a way for them to show how much you mean to them.

It's easy for others to trot out the old 'it's the thought that counts'. But that only works if they ACTUALLY put some thought into it. You aren't asking for much, only to be listened to and to receive a gift that reflects how well he knows you. Definitely not something that would make you sick for a week!

When things have settled down, I would check the pulse on your communication. It's easy for us to get into a routine and think we are commmunicating well when we're not. So look into that. Does he really listen and reflect on the things you say? Do you? Sometimes a bump in the road is a chance to freshen things up and get back on track.

So I hope everything works and at the very least, it was a really good book he got you!:)

gypsy_rose

The problem here is that you feel he doesn't listen to you or remember what you say and know you as a person. Does he listen to you most of the time? Remember to text and call when he says he does, remember not only stuff about you, but things that are important to you like your friends and what you do in your day to day life? Some people are just bad at getting presents, maybe he saw another man buying flowers and just thought they would be nice for you? I wouldn't go too hard on him if this is isolated to the other things I've just mentioned but if it's symptomatic of him not listening to or respecting your wishes you may need to talk about it.

Piliger

How on earth can any boyfriend forget that his girl friend got sick for a week after flowers the last time ? I would really like to know that. For me that speaks volumes for his character and level of real interest in her as a person.

ihsb

A similar thing happened to me with my ex on Valentines day.

I never expect anything expensive, but something thoughtful. I had made a massive effort for him.

He got me a cheap card, a teddy (I had told him I didn't want more teddies as I had loads from him) and a cheap bunch of flowers (the ones that I hate) on the way home from work as an after thought.

We were broken up 3 months later... it just summed up his lack of thought for me.

event

Someone please tell me what a cow I am so I can stop being angry with him  and just be grateful ...

Ok, you're being mental

Taltos

event - you have been here long enough to know what is/is not acceptable in PI. As per our charter you need to provide civil constructive advice
Telling someone they are mental doesn't fit in on this forum.

Taltos

lazygal

I think a lot of the replies here are quite sanctimonious and a bit disingenous. I mean, if someone posted that the roof on their house was leaking would people just tell them to get over themselves, there's people with no houses, what are they moaning about? Just because the OP has a boyfriend doesn't mean she should be bowled over with gratefulness for everything he does.

OP, this would annoy me. I'm not a spoiled brat, but my husband knows I always appreciate cards for birthdays etc, and despite not being into card, he always makes sure he has one for me with a nice sentiment inside. We put a strict spending limit on our birthday and Christmas gifts, but both of us put a huge amount of thought into it, rather than going the cliche route. I love flowers but if I was allergic, he wouldn't get me flowers. There's a few food items my husband is highly allergic too, so even though I love them, I don't have them in the house because he would suffer.

I don't think you're overreacting. I don't think you're a spoiled brat and I certainly don't think you have a sense of entitlement or whatever other silly remarks have been thrown at you. Your boyfriend either didn't listen or chose to ignore or forget what you told him. THAT'S the issue, what else will he chose to ignore or not hear in the future?