No guys out there for me?

eaglach

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

brokenice

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

i wouldn't worry about it. yes there are a lot of flamers out there, one's who 'say' they are not camp, weirdos, creeps, wusses, mammy's boys, drama queens, scene queens, sh!theads, posers, etc...wow that list can go on and on.....

I really doubt liking video games and alternative music is that uncommon for anybody, let alone gay men to have interest in. just get off gaydar and get out there. i stopped using that rubbish a while now and never looked back....i got nothing but major negative energy off that thing. real world is much better, chatted up a guy recently, he wasn't interested, no biggie, just keep on grooving!

don't be afraid to jump on in and just do things, keep your eyes open, people check each other out, friends have friends, it's a small world, you'll meet someone....and what's wrong with being single anyway?

baby and crumble

Can we please not diss non straight acting gay men in this thread? It happens a bit too often for my liking.

On topic- OP, I'm with my partner for 8 1/2 years now, and starting off we had very different tastes in music (still do to a point), we like different movies, I'm a gamer and she isn't, she likes different tv shows to me, but we're alike in what matters- what we want out of life in general and we like each other. I don't think that sharing hobbies and likes is vital, not at the start anyway. More often than not it's fun and interesting learning about new things from new people, especially if you fancy them. I'm still learning new things about my gf, nearly 9 years on!

Conor30

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

I presume you're looking for a relationship and not just hook-ups? Well then, why does a potential guy have to be a rocker, a gamer and have the exact same taste in film and TV as you??
What matters is that you fancy (initially and subsequently love), respect and trust the guy.
Lots of couples, both gay and straight, don't always share many interests and hobbies. What they do share is a mutual respect, similar values and similar goals in life. Have you never heard of 'golf widows' or 'fishing widows'? Those couples still get along well and have great marriages.
I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it might but I'll say it anyway. I don't know what age you are, but maybe you need to do some growing up?

1ZRed

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

Haha no, you're not. These "straight acting" non camp guys make up the majority of the gay community don't worry. I'm very masculine and so not camp that I'm not believed when I tell people I'm gay. I like games, who the hell doesn't these days btw? But I am very mainstream in my music taste. The only way you're limiting yourself is by using manhunt and gaydar instead of going out and finding these guys in-person.
Don't rely on these websites to find your potential partner. Nothing beats going out and meeting guys. At least then you can get a sense of the chemistry in real life instead of a rough idea through a computer screen. It's not an alternative or substitute for the real thing and is totally different and a bit unnatural feeling by comparison.

Even if you don't have the exact same interests, how could that doom a relationship without even trying? No guy has to like and be 100% interested in everything you are for it to work.
I know that for me, if I met a guy exactly like myself in every single way, I'd run 10k in the opposite direction and it would be an instant disaster. IMO, I like a bit of a miscompatibility on interests, provided it's not major. At least then it's not boring and predictable!

Part of the fun of meeting people is susing them out and learning their interests and expanding your own. If you don't do that, how will will you ever grow?

You're not going to be forever alone but get yourself out there. It's very easy to be picky and selective of guys on the internet because there are rows and rows of them and you can easily try a new guy if the old doesn't quite cut it for you just because he doesn't fill out all the necessary criteria.
That's not so easy in real life and you have to invest a lot more in them inorder to scope them out and make that call. But it's worth it and way more rewarding than sending and receiving the same generic crap back and forth that these sites are renowned for.

Honestly man, do yourself a favour and leave these sites for the hook ups and get your ass on a night out and meet your potential guys there. I guarantee you, it'll go much better for you! I think you're putting too much emphasis on finding something substantial on them when the vast majority are looking for sex and nothing much after that.

DubArk

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

My partners and I have been together for longer then I want to admit….. We both have completely different tastes. I love playing games on line and he doesn’t even have an email address… that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how different we are!! That allows us both to bring different things into our relationship. I would describe us both as straight acting if that’s important!

I never planned on meeting him because well how can you plan on something like that, it just happened. We actually spotted each other in a straight bar and I didn’t know his views on Music, Gaming, Sport, Politics or Climate Change…. I just fancied the pants off him!!

Maybe you need to get out there and meet people, all different types of people and put down the questionnaire and live life and just maybe he’ll walk into that room, be at that party, be drinking at that bar, pass you on that street or spot you on that bus. Just maybe!

ongarboy

I agree with much of what the other posters have said. Similar hobbies and interests is not necessarily the key to a successful relationship (even platonic). My partner and I are chalk and cheese in many ways but gel in so many other ways that are not down to similar interests or even at times our conflicting outlooks/opinions. Two of my best friends are sports fanatics but I have no interest yet we can chat for hours about most anything else.

Try and venture out into the real world. The virtual world of the internet is just that - virtual...not real. Sure, there have been successful hook ups and LTRs created from the net but I think interacting with real people in the flesh allows you a better chance of forming more genuine friendships or even romance (not saying it's easy in the real world either but I think you do have a better shot that way!).

azezil

Just to reiterate what others have said, you can't tell what a person is like based on an online profile and you most certainly are not alone in liking Rock / metal music, video games etc. but again as has been said you don't need to have lots in common to make a relationship work.

I however disagree that it's easier in person, from my experience I find getting to know someone online for a while first has worked out better for me. Everyone's different.

floggg

For the record there is nothing wrong with "camp" guys. No shots here.

I'm a "masculine" guy though. Most of my gay friends are "masculine" guys. There's loads of us. It's just a matter of getting out there and meeting them.

The problem with Internet profiles is that you only get to judge a person by a picture and a short rambly blurb and a few boxes ticked for hobbies and interests.

When you can't get a sense of their personality, those boxes (which fouls otherwise be fairly meaningless) take on a whole bed importance as its the only thing to screen on. So you might reject a guy for being into something like Geordie shore or pan pipe music because it's all you have to go on about them, whereas in real life you would gladly overlook such supposed "flaws" in an otherwise great guy.

As to the how's of meeting them, while I'm fully on board with meeting guys in bars, I'd recommend getting involved in a sports or other group as well.

Its hard to make meaningful connections in bars, especially if your on you own or with one or two others. If you'd out with a few friends it's easier to get talking to people, rather than just drunkenly scoring at the end of the night!

You'll get to make friends with similar interests, which will make it easier to meet people romantically - whether it be from having a group to socialise with in bars or meeting friends of your new friends etc.

P.S. I'm a middle class white guy who only really listens to underground hip-hip. If I find a guy who's even heard of half the artists I like I count myself lucky. I long ago gave up hope of finding somebody with the same musical taste. Instead I'm looking for somebody who's willing to compromise about what music gets played on the radio!

marcus2000

eaglach wrote: »

.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

well if thats how you feel, then thats probably what you're projecting. There are millions of gay guys out there, of all different varieties!! Try lighten up and start dating the blokes that you think may not be your exact type. You may be surprised.

Rick_

I'm the same as you OP, I like rock and metal music, love my gaming and am a big TV and film buff. Also have very straight mannerisms, am not looking for hook-ups and am tired of gay websites and even the scene which I have had no luck at all in.

So there you go, someone just like you does exist. But it doesn't mean your ideal partner has to be a carbon copy of you. It's the differences that can make a relationship interesting, and as the saying goes... opposites attract!

eaglach

baby and crumble wrote: »

Can we please not diss non straight acting gay men in this thread? It happens a bit too often for my liking.

I don't know why my taste in other men bothers you. Would you be as offended if I said I didn't like guys with blond hair or chubby guys? It's a personal preference, that's all.

Conor30 wrote: »

I presume you're looking for a relationship and not just hook-ups? Well then, why does a potential guy have to be a rocker, a gamer and have the exact same taste in film and TV as you??
What matters is that you fancy (initially and subsequently love), respect and trust the guy.
Lots of couples, both gay and straight, don't always share many interests and hobbies. What they do share is a mutual respect, similar values and similar goals in life. Have you never heard of 'golf widows' or 'fishing widows'? Those couples still get along well and have great marriages.
I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it might but I'll say it anyway. I don't know what age you are, but maybe you need to do some growing up?

To be honest, I am basing everything on my own experiences. I've only ever come across one guy that I really really liked. He had the same sense of humor, liked the same films and tv shows, we shared a similar taste in music. Loads of things in common and I think this is the reason I really liked him. We just clicked. The only problem was that he is not gay and he is a close friend.

I once met a guy off manhunt. We chatted for a while before meeting up. Seemed to get on great. We had a couple things in common, but not much. The "date" went fine and we still talk but we just didn't click. I just find it difficult to be really interested in someone when they talk about things you've no interest in, and vice versa!

By the way, I do not go to gay bars either. I have a negative perception of them. They seem extremely camp, and that's really something I'm not into. Now, give me a gay rock and metal bar and I'll be the first one there! Another thing is that I'm not really out to many people so I don't want to take the risk of being spotted and outted on a night out.

Nothing is easy it seems.

Rick_

That was also my perception of the scene, but then I actually went and it wasn't as bad as I had imagined it to be. Yes, there are the skinny, campy teens and the posers staring at you as if they own the place and you are not welcome, but there are the normal guys who are dead on and on my last few trips I did see a guy wearing New Rocks, had long hair and a nice beard with a Metallica t-shirt. Pity he was with his partner or I'd have approached him. The scene has all types, and you'll never know who's there until you go and see for yourself!

1ZRed

eaglach wrote: »

I don't know why my taste in other men bothers you. Would you be as offended if I said I didn't like guys with blond hair or chubby guys? It's a personal preference, that's all.



To be honest, I am basing everything on my own experiences. I've only ever come across one guy that I really really liked. He had the same sense of humor, liked the same films and tv shows, we shared a similar taste in music. Loads of things in common and I think this is the reason I really liked him. We just clicked. The only problem was that he is not gay and he is a close friend.

I once met a guy off manhunt. We chatted for a while before meeting up. Seemed to get on great. We had a couple things in common, but not much. The "date" went fine and we still talk but we just didn't click. I just find it difficult to be really interested in someone when they talk about things you've no interest in, and vice versa!

By the way, I do not go to gay bars either. I have a negative perception of them. They seem extremely camp, and that's really something I'm not into. Now, give me a gay rock and metal bar and I'll be the first one there! Another thing is that I'm not really out to many people so I don't want to take the risk of being spotted and outted on a night out.


Nothing is easy it seems.

Get offline! I don't go to gay bars, I'm not fully out and I still do it. Have some balls man and tear yourself away from these hook up sites if you want a meaningful relationship. Honestly it seems like you're coming across as feeling helpless and think you are going to end up alone because you're afraid of how camp gay life is. It's all in your head.
Why are you making these assumptions if you've never experienced a gay bar or have even hit up with a guy apart from online? You're just basing everything you think of off stereotypes and tbh, I think you're doing it so you won't have to go. It's too gay for you. BS man. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go out and meet other guys in a straight club or a gay club. Never been to a full on gay club myself but I don't have anything against it because I don't believe the stereotypes. Maybe you should try it out. You do realise when you came to grips with your sexuality, you didn't match all the stereotypes and the same goes for gay bars.

I don't get why you're making all these excuses and have these false perceptions when you haven't tried it out. To me, it seems like you have very unrealistic expectations for what a guy should be for you. You do realise no single person can be like you that much right? The best you can hope for is that you share a lot of interests and that's more than enough for a relationship. Once you shy away from the warped reality of gaydar and manhunt you will get an eye opener and realise you can't be so unrealisticaly picky in the real world because you are unique and you won't find your carbon copy EVER.
But you'll learn and you'll be happy regardless once you inevitably find someone who may or may not have a lot of similar interests.

You just need a good kick up the arse to get you moving. Otherwise it's only you that's limiting yourself not the gay community limiting your choice of men.
It's a bit annoying you see yourself as the only one. Masculine guys that don't conform to the stereotype make up the biggest and most substantial part of the communty. So don't push me into a minority I don't belong too. You might have known that if you stayed off manhunt and when out to see for yourself.

So stop the complaining if you're only going to use websites and apps to find your partner. Go out and/or join clubs to find like minded guys. You'll feel forever alone if you never try. And of you never try, you'll never know.

This is tough love but I think it's appropriate to wake you up and get you thinking more realistically, away from these unrealistic "dating" websites.

Ciaran0

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

Short answer is yes, you're being too picky.

Long answer is, there isn't going to be someone out there who's tailor made to fit your personality and interests. You've just got to meet new people (or even some old people) and you'll hit it off with some of them.

Also, you really shouldn't decide against liking someone you've only met online. You really should decide after meeting people in person. If you're unsure about a guy, what harm can a date do?

paulmorro

eaglach wrote: »

By the way, I do not go to gay bars either. I have a negative perception of them. They seem extremely camp, and that's really something I'm not into. Now, give me a gay rock and metal bar and I'll be the first one there! Another thing is that I'm not really out to many people so I don't want to take the risk of being spotted and outted on a night out.
(

I'm not a massive fan of the bars and the nights they have myself, BUT the people in the bars are a mix. Some will be too camp for you but most actually won't be. So like any bar, you won't be like everyone but you will be like some people.

There are also plenty of sports and social groups that you could join, good way to actually get to know people with similar interests to you. Again the people in those groups may or may not appeal to you, but I doubt you'd find no one you didn't click with at least on a friend level.

You're new to the scene, do you know any gay people? If not, you might find that when you start to know a few people, the situation normalises a bit, and some of your hangups might go away. But the only way you'll know that is if you get out there a bit first.

stooodent

eaglach are you on psn??

eaglach

1ZRed wrote: »

Get offline! I don't go to gay bars, I'm not fully out and I still do it.

You have confused me. You say you don't go to gay bars, but you still do?

1ZRed wrote: »

Why are you making these assumptions if you've never experienced a gay bar or have even hit up with a guy apart from online? You're just basing everything you think of off stereotypes and tbh, I think you're doing it so you won't have to go. It's too gay for you. BS man. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go out and meet other guys in a straight club or a gay club. Never been to a full on gay club myself but I don't have anything against it because I don't believe the stereotypes.

1ZRed wrote: »

I don't get why you're making all these excuses and have these false perceptions when you haven't tried it out.

You are saying I have false perceptions. Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but you really can't get up on your high horse and start judging me when you haven't been to one yourself so you have no idea what they're really like either!

And meeting guys in a straight club? Impossible. How are you supposed to even approach a guy in a straight club.

1ZRed wrote: »

It's a bit annoying you see yourself as the only one. Masculine guys that don't conform to the stereotype make up the biggest and most substantial part of the communty. So don't push me into a minority I don't belong too. You might have known that if you stayed off manhunt and when out to see for yourself.

I'm not pushing you into any minority. I'm not talking about masculine guys in particular. It's masculine guys that share my interests is what the problem is. And I've no idea where you're getting this critical attitude from. Telling me to get off manhunt and go out to see for myself? You don't even go to gay clubs! So what are you doing that is different to what I do? I go to bars and clubs. I socialise. What more can I do!

stooodent wrote: »

eaglach are you on psn??

Don't have a playstation. Xbox guy.

stooodent

xbox 360... oh dear a relationship between you and I was never to be lol what kinda bands are you into i know you said rock but that's fairly broad

1ZRed

You have confused me. You say you don't go to gay bars, but you still do?

I don't go to gay bars but I still go out and meet guys in normal clubs

You are saying I have false perceptions. Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but you really can't get up on your high horse and start judging me when you haven't been to one yourself so you have no idea what they're really like either!

Yeah you do. I've spoken to so many guys about this and it's nothing like what you see on tv. It's not packed with flamers and overly camp guys exclusively. 'Normal' more masculine average guys go there too. But yeah I'll have to go to one sometime. And I couldn't give a **** what it's like. It's always good to try something out instead of being dismissive of it based on nothing. *note I'm neither praising nor dismissing them that's being neutral and open minded, the right way to be if you're having problems finding the type of guys as you do.

And meeting guys in a straight club? Impossible. How are you supposed to even approach a guy in a straight club.

Hahaha and what have I been doing all this time? You think it's impossible to meet gay/bi guys in a straight club? Maybe that's your fault at failing to pick them up but I do alright and meet a good few. Did you really think all the non straight guys get rounded up and thrown into the gay club or onto those hook up sites?

I'm not pushing you into any minority. I'm not talking about masculine guys in particular. It's masculine guys that share my interests is what the problem is. And I've no idea where you're getting this critical attitude from. Telling me to get off manhunt and go out to see for myself? You don't even go to gay clubs! So what are you doing that is different to what I do? I go to bars and clubs. I socialise. What more can I do!

So because I'm gay and don't go to gay clubs, I shouldn't know any better because I can't go anywhere else?
Gay bars aren't the be all and end all of being gay. Many gay guys aren't into the typical gay scene. Perfectly acceptable and they get by just fine without the need of sites if they join clubs, go to gay friendly/straight bars. I meet gay and bi guys quite often in unexpected places and I think I have a bit of an eye for spotting them. You're being really naive in your posts if you think you can only find straight guys in straight clubs.

Btw, what age are you?

fkt

eaglach wrote: »

By the way, I do not go to gay bars either. I have a negative perception of them. They seem extremely camp, and that's really something I'm not into. Now, give me a gay rock and metal bar and I'll be the first one there! Another thing is that I'm not really out to many people so I don't want to take the risk of being spotted and outted on a night out.

Nothing is easy it seems.

How do they 'seem' camp if you've never been to one...? I'm very new to the 'scene', and I have realised rapidly that they are lads of all ages/backgrounds/etc. out there - believe me. Wether the 'perfect' man is out there for you or not, clubs/bars are generally not near as 'camp' as stereotypes would have you believe, REALLY!

Nothing is easy... meh. The way I see it I could get hit by a train tomorrow morning... Just go out there and see what happens... if it doesn't work out... whatever... at least you've tried. And it could well work out, you'd be surprised

eaglach

1ZRed wrote: »

I've spoken to so many guys about this and it's nothing like what you see on tv. It's not packed with flamers and overly camp guys exclusively. 'Normal' more masculine average guys go there too. But yeah I'll have to go to one sometime. And I couldn't give a **** what it's like. It's always good to try something out instead of being dismissive of it based on nothing. *note I'm neither praising nor dismissing them that's being neutral and open minded, the right way to be if you're having problems finding the type of guys as you do.

Well just this minute I was googling gay clubs in Dublin, and just checking their photo galleries to see what they are like. It's exactly as I imagined. Plus, the idea that these club promoters can snap a photo of you and paste it up online doesn't really help my confidence in going to one of these clubs when I'm not fully out.

1ZRed wrote: »

Hahaha and what have I been doing all this time? You think it's impossible to meet gay/bi guys in a straight club? Maybe that's your fault at failing to pick them up but I do alright and meet a good few. Did you really think all the non straight guys get rounded up and thrown into the gay club or onto those hook up sites?

1ZRed wrote: »

You're being really naive in your posts if you think you can only find straight guys in straight clubs.

Your attitude really isn't helping. Do think it's impossible for me to physically meet a gay guy in a straight club? Of course not. I'm sure I bump into them all the time.

But tell me, how is it my fault at failing to pick them up? Do I have some kind of magical gaydar that I am unaware of? You would never suspect I was gay so how am I supposed to find "straight-acting" guys in a sea of straight guys?

1ZRed wrote: »

Btw, what age are you?

I am in my mid twenties.

1ZRed

Well just this minute I was googling gay clubs in Dublin, and just checking their photo galleries to see what they are like. It's exactly as I imagined. Plus, the idea that these club promoters can snap a photo of you and paste it up online doesn't really help my confidence in going to one of these clubs when I'm not fully out.

Well take it from the guys who have posted otherwise, it's not entirely the case. I know I'm not into the whole perceived stereotypical gay club either but I don't care, it's worth checking out to see.
And who cares if they take pictures. Chances are, anyone who actually sees them isn't all that straight. Don't tell me you're one of those plank profiles on gaydar/manhunt too afraid of being outed. I'm hardly out either but I know for a fact I shouldn't live in fear because the chances of me being outed on those sites is slim to ****.

Your attitude really isn't helping. Do think it's impossible for me to physically meet a gay guy in a straight club? Of course not. I'm sure I bump into them all the time.

You implied it was impossible to meet gay guys at a straight club so why the change of heart? It was never a dig at your attractiveness but if you can't meet a guy there after years, you have to start to think about your game plan and not make excuses that it's impossible to do so.

But tell me, how is it my fault at failing to pick them up? Do I have some kind of magical gaydar that I am unaware of? You would never suspect I was gay so how am I supposed to find "straight-acting" guys in a sea of straight guys?

It is because I don't think you're perusing them and taking a chance. No I don't have magical gaydar, just the regular one that I've developed over the last while. It's more the mixture and being one of the guys to them, being very subtle and flirty but there's a definite eye contact thing that happens that you don't see in straight guys. I have a post buried somewhere here that explains what I'm on about and I'll update it when I find it.
But yeah, it's a mixture and testing the waters, being confidant, reading the signs and being so subtle it's unnoticeable if you fail or so that you don't spook him.

You would never suspect me for being gay either. Not ever but that's like a lot of gay guys too but you just don't see or notice them. You are supposed to find the guys by susing them out, having a laugh and leading it somewhere unknowingly to them. It does become apparent once you get down to talking and you take an educated guess and it gets reciprocated. It's no harm to try anything.

I think you would be way more comfortable doing all of this if you were out. At least then there's no pressure to go up talking to guys when you're trying to be closeted in a straight club/bar. But that's your call.

I am in my mid twenties

Man you're not a closet teenager. It's time to grow a pair and see what things are actually like. It's more than time enough you've done it.

ongarboy

OP - I think you need to make gay friends first which will allow opportunities to open up for meeting or casually being introduced to guys that could potentially turn into relationships etc. I know it can be hard to walk into a gay bar alone especially if you've never ventured into the scene before. Why not try one of the Boards Beers meet ups that the folks here organise periodically? Through making friends, you have a few mates to head out to the clubs/pubs as little or as often as you like. I would never have met my OH if I didn't head out with mates to the clubs where I was introduced to him by a friend of a friend and it started unplanned from there.

There is a Wet'n'Wild activity club that loads of guys of all backgrounds/interests/personalities take part in a variety of sports/activities such as hiking, canoeing, windsurfing, tag rugby etc. I'm a friend of one of the organisers of this club and he has told me a fair few guys have hooked up through Wet'n'Wild but more importantly, they have made lots of friends through it. I was with him one night in the Front Lounge and couldn't get over all the guys from Wet'n'Wild that came up to him to chat (a good few hotties too btw!!). There are options out there but you have to be proactive, think positive (no more woe is me) and get out there for something to happen!

eaglach

1ZRed wrote: »

And who cares if they take pictures. Chances are, anyone who actually sees them isn't all that straight. Don't tell me you're one of those plank profiles on gaydar/manhunt too afraid of being outed. I'm hardly out either but I know for a fact I shouldn't live in fear because the chances of me being outed on those sites is slim to ****.

Well you are young and have little to worry about. It is different coming out at my age where I have a career and its more difficult to make friends. I could bump into a friend or co-worker in one of those clubs, I know some have been before. It may be a non-issue with most of them, but its not something I want to risk.

1ZRed wrote: »

It is because I don't think you're perusing them and taking a chance. No I don't have magical gaydar, just the regular one that I've developed over the last while. It's more the mixture and being one of the guys to them, being very subtle and flirty but there's a definite eye contact thing that happens that you don't see in straight guys. I have a post buried somewhere here that explains what I'm on about and I'll update it when I find it.
But yeah, it's a mixture and testing the waters, being confidant, reading the signs and being so subtle it's unnoticeable if you fail or so that you don't spook him.

Well it's easy when you're confident. But I'm not confident. I still can't imagine going up to a random guy who is out with his mates and trying to chat him up, even if I knew he was gay.

1ZRed wrote: »

Man you're not a closet teenager. It's time to grow a pair and see what things are actually like. It's more than time enough you've done it.

Look, you are just a kid. You haven't even begun to experience the real world. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. Actions have consequences and not all are positive.

ongarboy wrote: »

There is a Wet'n'Wild activity club that loads of guys of all backgrounds/interests/personalities take part in a variety of sports/activities such as hiking, canoeing, windsurfing, tag rugby etc. I'm a friend of one of the organisers of this club and he has told me a fair few guys have hooked up through Wet'n'Wild but more importantly, they have made lots of friends through it. I was with him one night in the Front Lounge and couldn't get over all the guys from Wet'n'Wild that came up to him to chat (a good few hotties too btw!!). There are options out there but you have to be proactive, think positive (no more woe is me) and get out there for something to happen!

That actually sounds like an interesting club. Something I could see myself getting involved with. Do you have any more details on it? Thanks.

ongarboy

eaglach wrote: »

That actually sounds like an interesting club. Something I could see myself getting involved with. Do you have any more details on it? Thanks.

http://wetandwildsports.com/

floggg

OP I wont put it as bluntly or crudely as to say grow a pair, but I do think you won't ever see much returns unless you put some effort in yourself.

You have a perception of gay bars as full of camp guys so don't go? So rather than give it a chance you'll make an uneducated prejudgment and exclude yourself from a big part of the scene on what is very much a misconception. Gay bars are full of masculine guys who are into sports and random types of music. Like any other bar, its a mixed bag with people of all sorts and types.

If you aren't willing to try and challenge your perceptions and get out and put the effort in to meet people you can't really complain if you don't see results.

Even aside from the bars though there are tonnes of other offline ways to meet people. Wet and Wild has been mentioned, as had the rugby team (Emeralds). There's also the front runners running club and the Dublin devils soccer team and countless others. I play with the devils and you couldn't meet a more welcoming bunch.

That's not to say I don't understand how hard it can be to take those first steps and get involved in these things - especially if your not out. But eventually you have to make a choice - do you keep going as you are and cut yourself off from opportunities from meeting guys, whether from preconceptions, fear of being outed or otherwise, or do you put yourself out there and take a few chances and get to know people?

People rarely regret the latter option.

(I came out at your age, made all these difficult first steps, hated it at first but have now never been happier. Family, friends and career are all the better for it, and if they weren't they wouldn't be worth it).

P.S. - pulling in straight bars is all about eye contact. Straight guys tend not to make it so much!

Aurongroove

I feel your frustration, but not partaking is no excuse: go to gay sports events, join a cycling team or a running team, go to bear social nights, keep searching online but by searching I don't mean browsing profiles, send IMs, have conversations. Go to gay bars in the evenings when you can still hear yourself talk and actually introduce yourself to people.
how often do you go out?

I try at least once a fortnight.

I'm the last person in the world that belongs in a late bar, I detest chart music, I never dance, I don't drink heavily, I'm not good looking nor do I dress to impress. My best shot at impressing people is in conversation, which in late club/pubs is reduced to shouting into someones ear several times until they've caught your sentence and vice versa. but I still get out and play the hand I've been dealt and that takes gigantic balls and a positive attitude.

I'm only out a few months (I'm 27) and I've already been on several dates with guys none of whom were camp in the slightest. some of the nights out I've had have been pure miserable and disheartening, but some have been really, really worthwhile.

Davyhal

Dude, it is like you just described me, and I know exactly how you feel cos I felt that way for years too. But eventually I have made some mates who are in the same boat as me (and you by the sounds of it), and have had ex-boyfriends who were into the same things as I was, someone who I was able to head to gigs with and play resi with etc. But, I did not make these mates through the gay scene, or gaydar, or grindr or any of those, just met them through mates. So I have given up on gaydar etc, and just stick with my mates, and see who comes along now that i know that there are guys like me out there

stooodent

ongarboy wrote: »

http://wetandwildsports.com/

tehehehe wet and wild I wont lie to you ya the site was a disappointment for me the web address is awfully misleading :pac:........

filmbuffboy

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

why do you need to find a guy with the same interests?

both my serious past boyfriends couldnt have been more different from me if they had tried.

thats part of what makes relationships interesting.

rather than narrowing your criteria on who to be interested in based on interests and hobbies, widen the field a bit and be willing to give a person a chance....

i honestly think so many gay men out there are single cause they are too picky.

1ZRed

Well you are young and have little to worry about. It is different coming out at my age where I have a career and its more difficult to make friends. I could bump into a friend or co-worker in one of those clubs, I know some have been before. It may be a non-issue with most of them, but its not something I want to risk.

I have to go through a lot, pretty much by myself because of other things going on in my life right now, but it's only me that can make these decisions for myself. And that's not exactly little to worry about.

So what do you want to do? Meet guys off of sites and stay incognito? How are you supposed to even find a guy to settle down with if you really do not want to come out.
Look man, the longer you leave it the harder it's going to be and the more unhappy you will be in denying all of this. Wouldn't it be so much easier if you came out and was able to be open and relaxed about this instead of relying on blank profiles on websites?
I understand the stakes are high for you but honestly don't live up to your user name and remain fearfull. That's not a way to live by and it won't make you any happier but just waste your time.

Well it's easy when you're confident. But I'm not confident. I still can't imagine going up to a random guy who is out with his mates and trying to chat him up, even if I knew he was gay.

Who's to say a guy won't come up to you if you were just drinking at the bar? If you hit into a guy and got talking you never know where things could go. He could be straight but you'd get that vibe off of him eventually anyway and no harm done. There are guys that are out there without a lot of confidence just like you so I wouldn't worry. And besides, if you do come out, a good chunk of confidence comes with it and it only keeps growing the more open and comfortable you get with yourself. You'll never become confident by using these sites though.

Look, you are just a kid. You haven't even begun to experience the real world. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. Actions have consequences and not all are positive.

So that's how you're going to dismiss all my points? Just because of my age? Oh man don't you think I haven't realised that the world is definitely not sunshine and rainbows. You think I haven't found myself in very dark places or thought it would be best to stay in the closet or ignore my problems because of the potential consequences to myself and others?
No, I chose to confront them for better or worse because it's the right thing to do by me! Why would I let myself wallow in a sad and miserable life and not do anything to fix it because I was being dictated by fear of rejection?

If you want to keep on the way you're going then why did you ever ask for advice? I think you were expecting for somebody to agree with what you were doing to justify it and be completely reassuring and supportive. You'll have the latter but I never got the full package or had anything completely smooth and easy so whenever I see this for a guy you're age I tell them to cop onto themselves for their own good.

I think that's the worst thing that an 18 year old can see what you're doing wrong in terms of ignoring all of this out of pure fear. Your life isn't all that special or different to a lot of gay guys and the stakes aren't higher and the consequences any greater than everyone else. I just read about a guy who was in his 30's here who had a child and yet still confronted his sexuality and was open with himself and is now happy and has a boyfriend who is committed to him.
He had it very tough and I have a huge amount of respect for someone who could do that. It isn't easy at all. So I think you should look at how other people have it too.

Now since you were so quick to make assumptions about me based on my age alone and ignore everything else, then I'll do just that with you.
To me, all you're doing is making things appear as though it's all so tough for you and you're the only one struggling away.
You're not.
So if you want to be that guy that is in the closet all his life, go right ahead. That's the lonely road full of a lot of regret, disappointment and a heap of 'what ifs'. I know this is a very hard thing to do but if you want to find that perfect guy that lives up to all your expectations, he won't be found if you're stuck in the closet and totally disillusioned to what it is to be gay and everything that comes with it if you so readily critisised something you never experienced. (calling back on the gay bar comment)

To me it's you who's being immature about this whole situation by letting your fear take over and feeling like you should give up because it's all so hopeless. You're a man, no excuses, no whining. Some men go through this much later in life when the consequences are much more severe so I have little sympathy for you if you think that way. If you keep going the way you are with the brakes on with all of this, you'll be joining their ranks in no time.
Time will only pass you by and what will you have achieved for yourself?
I think that's the worst outcome and the biggest consequence by not doing anything.

I'll be perfectly honest. I have no time for guys like you that think they have it all worse while the rest of us had it easy and decide that the risks are too much yet complain that that life isn't working out for them.

Look, I'll be the most supportive guy if all you did was see that the stereotypes and the risks are all in your head. Sure it's not easy, but you don't have it worse than anyone so I think for yourself, you should step back an contemplate on how your life will be like when you're 30. Do you want to be closeted by that age as well when it's going to be harder again for you?

At the end of the day it's your life not mine. Nobody will ever miss you if you never come out because it will be as if you never existed to a lot of guys. But if you do decide to come out you could touch a lot of people, but most importantly, the man who you end up staying with.
There will always be support for you even if you think there isn't any. I was amazed by how the gay community was very supportive and reassuring to me when I was confused and needed it. It really helps.

Everyone just wants the best for you at heart so don't forget that man (:

bleepp

1ZRed wrote: »

I have to go through a lot, pretty much by myself because of other things going on in my life right now, but it's only me that can make these decisions for myself. And that's not exactly little to worry about.

So what do you want to do? Meet guys off of sites and stay incognito? How are you supposed to even find a guy to settle down with if you really do not want to come out.
Look man, the longer you leave it the harder it's going to be and the more unhappy you will be in denying all of this. Wouldn't it be so much easier if you came out and was able to be open and relaxed about this instead of relying on blank profiles on websites?
I understand the stakes are high for you but honestly don't live up to your user name and remain fearfull. That's not a way to live by and it won't make you any happier but just waste your time.




Who's to say a guy won't come up to you if you were just drinking at the bar? If you hit into a guy and got talking you never know where things could go. He could be straight but you'd get that vibe off of him eventually anyway and no harm done. There are guys that are out there without a lot of confidence just like you so I wouldn't worry. And besides, if you do come out, a good chunk of confidence comes with it and it only keeps growing the more open and comfortable you get with yourself. You'll never become confident by using these sites though.



So that's how you're going to dismiss all my points? Just because of my age? Oh man don't you think I haven't realised that the world is definitely not sunshine and rainbows. You think I haven't found myself in very dark places or thought it would be best to stay in the closet or ignore my problems because of the potential consequences to myself and others?
No, I chose to confront them for better or worse because it's the right thing to do by me! Why would I let myself wallow in a sad and miserable life and not do anything to fix it because I was being dictated by fear of rejection?

If you want to keep on the way you're going then why did you ever ask for advice? I think you were expecting for somebody to agree with what you were doing to justify it and be completely reassuring and supportive. You'll have the latter but I never got the full package or had anything completely smooth and easy so whenever I see this for a guy you're age I tell them to cop onto themselves for their own good.

I think that's the worst thing that an 18 year old can see what you're doing wrong in terms of ignoring all of this out of pure fear. Your life isn't all that special or different to a lot of gay guys and the stakes aren't higher and the consequences any greater than everyone else. I just read about a guy who was in his 30's here who had a child and yet still confronted his sexuality and was open with himself and is now happy and has a boyfriend who is committed to him.
He had it very tough and I have a huge amount of respect for someone who could do that. It isn't easy at all. So I think you should look at how other people have it too.

Now since you were so quick to make assumptions about me based on my age alone and ignore everything else, then I'll do just that with you.
To me, all you're doing is making things appear as though it's all so tough for you and you're the only one struggling away.
You're not.
So if you want to be that guy that is in the closet all his life, go right ahead. That's the lonely road full of a lot of regret, disappointment and a heap of 'what ifs'. I know this is a very hard thing to do but if you want to find that perfect guy that lives up to all your expectations, he won't be found if you're stuck in the closet and totally disillusioned to what it is to be gay and everything that comes with it if you so readily critisised something you never experienced. (calling back on the gay bar comment)

To me it's you who's being immature about this whole situation by letting your fear take over and feeling like you should give up because it's all so hopeless. You're a man, no excuses, no whining. Some men go through this much later in life when the consequences are much more severe so I have little sympathy for you if you think that way. If you keep going the way you are with the brakes on with all of this, you'll be joining their ranks in no time.
Time will only pass you by and what will you have achieved for yourself?
I think that's the worst outcome and the biggest consequence by not doing anything.

I'll be perfectly honest. I have no time for guys like you that think they have it all worse while the rest of us had it easy and decide that the risks are too much yet complain that that life isn't working out for them.

Look, I'll be the most supportive guy if all you did was see that the stereotypes and the risks are all in your head. Sure it's not easy, but you don't have it worse than anyone so I think for yourself, you should step back an contemplate on how your life will be like when you're 30. Do you want to be closeted by that age as well when it's going to be harder again for you?

At the end of the day it's your life not mine. Nobody will ever miss you if you never come out because it will be as if you never existed to a lot of guys. But if you do decide to come out you could touch a lot of people, but most importantly, the man who you end up staying with.
There will always be support for you even if you think there isn't any. I was amazed by how the gay community was very supportive and reassuring to me when I was confused and needed it. It really helps.

Everyone just wants the best for you at heart so don't forget that man (:

I cant "like" posts yet so ill comment.
Couldn't agree with you more with all you said. Well done for having such a mature mind. I'm reading it in general and not especially referring to the OP.

I'm 21 not out yet and am terrified about doing it but if being out means I'll be truly happy then i'm going to do it. life is for living. I often think that in a few short decades we will all be dead and gone, nothing well be left of us except a headstone bearing our name and a few dusty pictures in an attic somewhere so why the hell spend your life worrying about being gay when it's who you are. Staying in the closet immediately limits your options and tears away any chance of finding love and being happy. I know its terrifically traumatizing to envisage telling people but life is full of difficult situations that have to be dealt with, and usually when you hit them head on you realize that they weren't as major as you previously thought.

The biggest problem of course is rejection or the fear of upsetting people, especially family. But if I spend my life refusing to tell people I'm gay because they might not like me, amen't I then just doing what I fear they will do and refusing to like or love myself for who I am as a person? In a way its about accepting yourself and loving who you are first (something I've done only very recently) only then your sexuality will seem a lot clearer. That being said I'm still fearful of coming out but it's something I have to do.

I came across this poem recently, anyone with a grounding in the magical world of Leaving Cert poetry should be able to read betwen the lines

She had blue skin.
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by –
And never knew.

Thanks 1ZRed your post was a rock of sense!

face1990

My two cents:

Coming out not only helps you mentally & emotionally (keeping something like that bottled up isn't healthy in the long term), but it can also help you to meet guys. I've recently gotten my first proper relationship going and I only met the guy through mutual friends who knew we were both gay and introduced us. Not like set us up on a date, just invited us both along to a party and we hit it off.

As for having trouble finding people with similar interests: part of the fun is finding out what the person is into, and unexpected stuff that you have in common. (plus, on dating websites people don't bother listing every single game, tv show, book etc that they like). Treat that as part of the adventure.
And even if it turns out you have literally nothing in common and you only have one date, then you end having lost nothing but gained invaluable experience.

To quote the Communist Manifesto, you have nothing to lose but your chains; you have the world to win!

ongarboy

OP - you are getting some wonderful responses here - particularly from the last three posters. I hope you take on board and act on some of the advice they provided.

You fear the risks of coming out. Would it help to write down a list of the risks on one side and benefits on the the other side and see what outweighs the other. I'm hoping benefits like honesty with yourself and others, freedom, inner peace, lack of burden on your shoulders, increased options for meeting new friends and hopefully a soul mate will be more important to you than risks such as a minority of ill informed people frowning upon you, career impact (you are protected legally from discrimination), "friends" that no longer value you (but in turn highlights the fact that they were never real friends anyway if they would treat you this way - ultimately a benefit).

Be brave -you don't need to rush it either as this is such an important thing but don't wait until your 30s and 40s and regret all those lost years.

eaglach

filmbuffboy wrote: »

why do you need to find a guy with the same interests?

filmbuffboy wrote: »

i honestly think so many gay men out there are single cause they are too picky.

I'm going to have to be brief because I have a lot of comments to respond to! I apologise. As I said before, the only guy I've been really interested in has had the same interests as me. Other guys may be attractive or funny, but they just don't stick in my mind as someone I'd be interested in. I don't think about them at all when I'm not around them. Is that being too picky?

1ZRed wrote: »

How are you supposed to even find a guy to settle down with if you really do not want to come out.
Look man, the longer you leave it the harder it's going to be and the more unhappy you will be in denying all of this. Wouldn't it be so much easier if you came out and was able to be open and relaxed about this instead of relying on blank profiles on websites?
I understand the stakes are high for you but honestly don't live up to your user name and remain fearfull. That's not a way to live by and it won't make you any happier but just waste your time.

Who's to say a guy won't come up to you if you were just drinking at the bar? If you hit into a guy and got talking you never know where things could go. He could be straight but you'd get that vibe off of him eventually anyway and no harm done. There are guys that are out there without a lot of confidence just like you so I wouldn't worry. And besides, if you do come out, a good chunk of confidence comes with it and it only keeps growing the more open and comfortable you get with yourself. You'll never become confident by using these sites though.

First of all, I'm surprised someone caught on to my name!

Secondly, as I said, I am out to some of my close friends. I got it off my chest and it has been a release, but I don't feel the need to tell anyone else. I don't see why I should have to tell anyone actually. Maybe if a conversation actually lead to that situation I might tell them, but just to say it for no reason?

1ZRed wrote: »

To me, all you're doing is making things appear as though it's all so tough for you and you're the only one struggling away.
You're not.
So if you want to be that guy that is in the closet all his life, go right ahead. That's the lonely road full of a lot of regret, disappointment and a heap of 'what ifs'. I know this is a very hard thing to do but if you want to find that perfect guy that lives up to all your expectations, he won't be found if you're stuck in the closet and totally disillusioned to what it is to be gay and everything that comes with it if you so readily critisised something you never experienced. (calling back on the gay bar comment)

To me it's you who's being immature about this whole situation by letting your fear take over and feeling like you should give up because it's all so hopeless. You're a man, no excuses, no whining. Some men go through this much later in life when the consequences are much more severe so I have little sympathy for you if you think that way. If you keep going the way you are with the brakes on with all of this, you'll be joining their ranks in no time.
Time will only pass you by and what will you have achieved for yourself?
I think that's the worst outcome and the biggest consequence by not doing anything.

Well again, I am out to friends. What I'm worried about is certain people finding out. If you have the mentality that "oh it doesn't matter who knows as long as you're happy" that's bull****. Especially with regards to work. If someone in work found out I was gay, others could find out. Maybe my boss is a homophobe and I'd miss a promotion, or worse, fired. That's a realistic fear and not something that should be risked just for a night out in The George.

1ZRed wrote: »

I'll be perfectly honest. I have no time for guys like you that think they have it all worse while the rest of us had it easy and decide that the risks are too much yet complain that that life isn't working out for them.

Well thats just putting words in my mouth. When did I ever say that I had it worse than others?

face1990 wrote: »

Coming out not only helps you mentally & emotionally (keeping something like that bottled up isn't healthy in the long term), but it can also help you to meet guys. I've recently gotten my first proper relationship going and I only met the guy through mutual friends who knew we were both gay and introduced us. Not like set us up on a date, just invited us both along to a party and we hit it off.

I think the real problem is that I don't know anyone like me. Lets say I know one hundred or so guys personally around my age. Not one of them that I know is a "straight-acting" gay guy. A guy like me. Is it that 99% of straight acting guys stay in the closet? What's the deal? I know people tell me online that they are not camp and out, but I just find it all hard to belive to be honest.

ongarboy wrote: »

You fear the risks of coming out. Would it help to write down a list of the risks on one side and benefits on the the other side and see what outweighs the other. I'm hoping benefits like honesty with yourself and others, freedom, inner peace, lack of burden on your shoulders, increased options for meeting new friends and hopefully a soul mate will be more important to you than risks such as a minority of ill informed people frowning upon you, career impact (you are protected legally from discrimination), "friends" that no longer value you (but in turn highlights the fact that they were never real friends anyway if they would treat you this way - ultimately a benefit).

Be brave -you don't need to rush it either as this is such an important thing but don't wait until your 30s and 40s and regret all those lost years.

I don't have the time to comment on everything that was said here but as said above, my career could be affected - laws can't protect you against something that can't be proven (discrimination).

I don't know why this has turned into a conversation about me coming out when I am out to friends. It has certainly strayed off-topic.

Aurongroove

I know people tell me online that they are not camp and out, but I just find it all hard to belive to be honest.

I find this interesting.

So altogether you're saying you'd never go to gay venues, You're not prepared to take any risks in straight venues and added to that, you don't believe guys on-line who claim to be out but also say they're 'not camp'.

First of all, come on dude. Do you realistically believe you're the only person who's a "straight acting" gay man? I already know so many people on this forum alone who can relate to your precise story.
Don't believe me? Just read some of the other threads. You're bound to find one. What's more if someone dosn't start a thread containing at least one paragraph about "not being a typical gay/not liking camp behaviour" in the next 30 days, I will eat my tank top.

Secondly, a question. How put off are you by camp behaviour? are you put off a normal amount or are you actually intolerant of it? I mean Jesus; you meet a guy, he's too camp, you move on. It's not like your going to lose your testicles.
I met a guy the last day I had my eye on for a week or two. He finally decided to say something to me and he had the strongest ****ing gay lisp I'd ever heard. I polity laughed back at whatever he said, had a friendly conversation with him and subsequently parted ways: easy.

Thirdly, if you A; will never go to gay venue, B; won't take risks with seemingly straight people who are probably straight in straight venues and C; find it hard to accept the creditability of online gayfolk, Then you're knocking out three of the biggest avenues for socializing.
You need to either take a leap of faith or change your outlook.
You have no choice but to do at least some of these things. I chose to accept going to gay venues and accept on-line communication (as you may know:D). I still won't risk asking people in straight venues if they are or are not gay but hey, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. sure I get some iffy dates from the online part and sure I meet 60 "twinks" for every 1 person I find physically attractive in a gay venue. But at least I occasionally meet the right people, make great friends and have interesting nights out along the way.

Seriously man, there's some accurate responses to your woes in this thread.

face1990

Aurongroove wrote: »

I find this interesting.

So altogether you're saying you'd never go to gay venues, You're not prepared to take any risks in straight venues and added to that, you don't believe guys on-line who claim to be out but also say they're 'not camp'.

OP, I agree with what Aurongroove is saying. Personally, I myself am out to all of my family & friends (unemployed, so no work colleagues to speak of) and am very straight-acting. The problem is, you probably don't believe me.

You're complaining about the lack of straight acting gays, but also refusing to believe anyone who says they are. It's catch 22!
I think the problem isn't so much the lack of them, but your scepticism about the very existance of them!

I don't want this to seem overly critical of you OP, I mean it as constructive criticism. We all face problems like this and sometimes we need outside perspectives to show us where we're going wrong, or thinking the wrong way about our problem.

1ZRed

First of all, I'm surprised someone caught on to my name!

Secondly, as I said, I am out to some of my close friends. I got it off my chest and it has been a release, but I don't feel the need to tell anyone else. I don't see why I should have to tell anyone actually. Maybe if a conversation actually lead to that situation I might tell them, but just to say it for no reason?

I caught onto it straight away. I'm a fluent Irish speaker.

Well that's fine you don't have to tell more people because it's your decision but I'm surprised you're still so reserved about being gay and trying to hide it. If you were truely comfortable with it you would be more free to do what you wanted without any reservations. But I can see you are not.

Well again, I am out to friends. What I'm worried about is certain people finding out. If you have the mentality that "oh it doesn't matter who knows as long as you're happy" that's bull****. Especially with regards to work. If someone in work found out I was gay, others could find out. Maybe my boss is a homophobe and I'd miss a promotion, or worse, fired. That's a realistic fear and not something that should be risked just for a night out in The George.

So what's bull****? What the **** do you want? You want to be closeted because you can't face the reactions that are mostly in your head? I understand you want to be carefull at work but you're not the first gay guy to ever work somewhere. So you shouldn't let that be a factor in influencing what you do in your personal life. Fuck sake, my sister works in an office full of gay men. Some camp, some masculine. It's not a big deal and I've grown to understand that, how come in your years you haven't learned to do the same?
You love to think about the "what ifs" and the fear of doing anything.
Your boss can't discriminate against you and you aren't the only gay guy where you work so it's not as if it's going to be a massive event where you get fired, unless you work at a church.
Sorry to break what special thing you had going where you thought you were the only one.
And once I'm fully out should I hide that from my employer too just because it might be taken badly? No. I have too much self respect for that. Being gay isn't some flaw to be hidden, and over the last year, I've come to realise that.



And I'm not saying go to a gay bar. You seem to think that's where we all love to go once we've come out and that's where you have to be. Go to a straight bar and meet guys. If you're there with your 'out' friends they'll point you to a gay friend of theirs or be your wing man and take the pressure off you. It's what the majority of straight lads do because women came be very intimidating. And it's an absolute laugh to go on the pull with your mates and have each others backs.

Well thats just putting words in my mouth. When did I ever say that I had it worse than others?

You said you were 'the only one' and that you're afraid you'll wind up alone and I wouldn't understand anything because I see the world as 'rainbows and sunshine' while you have it tough in the real world with all your worries that I'm without.
How much clearer do I have to be? You're playing the victim and it's your own fault for locking yourself away from these experiences because of your fear and misplaced stereotypes and assumptions. But it's alright because you justify it because only camp flamers do those things. Which you strongly protest you're not and think the majority of guys are. You're wrong.

I think the real problem is that I don't know anyone like me. Lets say I know one hundred or so guys personally around my age. Not one of them that I know is a "straight-acting" gay guy. A guy like me. Is it that 99% of straight acting guys stay in the closet? What's the deal? I know people tell me online that they are not camp and out, but I just find it all hard to belive to be honest.

And how would you know?you've never been out on the scene to call those shots and come up with that figure! You haven't seen gay guys at a straight club because you haven't looked or noticed them because they look like normal guys and you're too afraid to go find out. Likewise, you never went to a gay club to see normal guys there either.
You're in no position to make assumptions if you haven't even entered the 'real world' as you say. Websites are not reality so I would stop making statements like that purely based on them alone.
The majority of gay guys I meet are straight acting and masculine. I notice them because I go out and find them. If all you did was step back and look in, all you would see is camp men because they stick out and are noticeable whereas the normal guys are just that - normal, so we blend into the straight guys. Btw I have never been with a camp guy ever. All very masculine. That 99% in closet figure is in your head because the masculine guys make up the majority by far. If you got out there you'd realise it pretty quickly.

And even on those websites it is predominantly masculine guys that I see and when messaging back and forth, I know damn well that they are masculine and not camp. It's really obvious in their humour and wording but I think you're just so against anything remotely camp, that any little thing that doesn't suit you scares you off. That or you don't have a good judge of character.
If you're using blank profiles on these sites no normal guy will give you the light of day. I wouldn't and lots of guys like me wouldn't either. Even on the websites you're limiting your options.

Honestly man, you claim to want straight acting guys yet you don't sound all that much like it to me if all you do is whine, complain and stay shrouded in fear from the repercussions of it all. You're a man, grow a pair of balls and get about being open about yourself and out there on the scene, otherwise stop complaining if you can't find a guy. I wouldn't want someone who was so afraid of being outed. Fair enough you're out to friends, but you haven't done anything substantial with it when you have the support.

There's little to lose and a lot to gain. All those fears aren't real. They never are. Every single guy that comes out makes mountains out of molehills with this, me included, so it won't be as bad as you think, far from it. I think you just need to give yourself a fair shot at finding a guy and be fulfilled by that without any limits getting in the way.

I don't know why this has turned into a conversation about me coming out when I am out to friends. It has certainly strayed off-topic.

Well what do you want? You're just telling us you can't find any guys like you when you haven't looked away from your computer screen to find them.
If you're going to ignore the advice and valid points of the guys here and not take anything way from it, then what the hell do you want from us?
I have my own experience and these guys have theirs in abundance so why not listen up and take it onboard. You know I was a lot like you not so long ago but I'm learning fast and becoming more comfortable with it all so it's slow but steady progress in the right direction.
You call me a kid but between the two of us, who is the one learning, setting the fear aside and going out to experience this with an open mind? It's me, the kid.

It's you that's the basis of your problem and once you sort out our deluded mindset and warped assumptions about the "gay scene" then you'll find that guy no bother. I know I'm coming down on you hard but I just don't get what you want if you're not going to listen to what these guys are saying and not put yourself out there for your own good. Whatever you had to lose wasn't yours to own in the first place. It's not going to be an easy thing to accept or hear but it's true. You'll always get support and reasurance if you ask for it so you'll never have to worry about that man.

At the end of the day all you have is yourself and if you deny yourself all of that, you've only ever lived a half life and for what and for who, if you never found the guy to settle down with

floggg

First off, what was so hard to suss out about the user name? Should be obvious to anybody who did 6th class Irish?

A lot has been said already, which I won't rehash, but I do have to say one thing. I get that you have concerns about work, etc, fair enough. I don't know what you work at and whether there are any particular risks in the job compared to the rest of us (teaching in a catholic school for example). However, the vast majority of gay people who are "out" have to face much the same risks in their job. It's not that we have a "sure aren't we happy being gay, who care about work" attitude.

Its that we take the view that the risks and consequences quite frankly arent so grave that we should make ourselves miserable by hiding in the closet rather than living our lives.

It's a choice. You can choose to put your work and career over your happiness if you want. But you need to be conscious that its a choice that your making, and you have to accept that it will mean that your opportunities to meet people and have relationships will be greatly reduced. if your job means that much to you, fine.

Personally though I dont think any job is worth living my life in fear.

Frankly i think you still have a lot of hang-ups and misconceptions about being gay. I've been there myself, but its something you need to get over. The only way you can do that is to get out there and meet actual gay people. Not even in night clubs, but in any of the social groups - wet and wild, the soccer or rugby teams, the tennis or squash - there's loads of them.

I don't think there is any point in making the point about how "normal" and "masculine" most gay men are. i think you need to get out there and see for yourself.

You don't have to come out to do so - its not like everybody shows up to these things in rainbow uniforms. there is plenty of people in these groups who aren't fully out.

If you choose not to do these things though, then you unfortunately struggle to meet the type of guys you want to.

bleepp

floggg wrote: »

I don't know what you work at and whether there are any particular risks in the job compared to the rest of us (teaching in a catholic school for example).

With all going to plan I should be a qualified Primary Teacher in two years but surly you couldn't be denied a job based on sexuality? I know its the board of management that ultimately hires you, of which the local Priest is usually the head so I suppose it could happen? and with 93% of Primary schools under the patronage of the Catholic Church the chances are I'll find myself looking for a job in one.

floggg

bleepp wrote: »

With all going to plan I should be a qualified Primary Teacher in two years but surly you couldn't be denied a job based on sexuality? I know its the board of management that ultimately hires you, of which the local Priest is usually the head so I suppose it could happen? and with 93% of Primary schools under the patronage of the Catholic Church the chances are I'll find myself looking for a job in one.

Unfortunately theres a carve out from equality legislation for religious institutions that allows them to discriminate against stff on religious grounds. So there are risks for teachers in being out in work.

Annasopra

bleepp wrote: »

With all going to plan I should be a qualified Primary Teacher in two years but surly you couldn't be denied a job based on sexuality? I know its the board of management that ultimately hires you, of which the local Priest is usually the head so I suppose it could happen? and with 93% of Primary schools under the patronage of the Catholic Church the chances are I'll find myself looking for a job in one.

I'm not sure how section 37 operates - anyway maybe that should be here

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=73123847

mnlad

been reading this tread and i kinda get were the OP is coming from on certain points, i think basically OP you havent reached a stage were you have accepted yourself, now i cant particulary talk as only very recently when some things were put in perspective did i accept myself and so far i gotta say im a different person mentally in myself i feel so much happier with just the little step of accepting myself, before when i was fighting with myself i had that opinion that number 1 all guys would out me if they were out and that all guys i chated with on grindr etc where camp sterotypical guys, but ive since copped myself on and actually chatted with these guys without a predetermined mindset and ive been chatting with a really great guy and so far its looking great, also on the meeting guys even in pubs ive caught myself checking out guys and getting the eyes back but i never acted on it, even in college i got hit on more times from guys on nights out than girls so much so that my friends suggested i go gay:D how ironic even they knew before i did but, but those were guys i never suspected at all and i started realising that i hey i might just find a guy like me into sports, cars etc... but i think OP when you reach that stage were you finally say hey im gay time to get on with life and stop feeling sorry for myself its a great feeling, dont get me wrong still a way to go personnally and i dont plan on telling the world im gay just a few select friends, but you have got some great advice here from everyone and its great that there is the support here, its very helpful to read other peoples comments experiences etc... and its given me the get up to stop mopping around and get on with my life because i realise now i was my own worst enemy, it took me nearly 10 years to finally accept myself only wish i had earlier but it takes its own time i guess

eaglach

Aurongroove wrote: »

First of all, come on dude. Do you realistically believe you're the only person who's a "straight acting" gay man? I already know so many people on this forum alone who can relate to your precise story.
Don't believe me? Just read some of the other threads. You're bound to find one. What's more if someone dosn't start a thread containing at least one paragraph about "not being a typical gay/not liking camp behaviour" in the next 30 days, I will eat my tank top.

I never said I was the only straight acting guy. People putting words in my mouth again.

face1990 wrote: »

OP, I agree with what Aurongroove is saying. Personally, I myself am out to all of my family & friends (unemployed, so no work colleagues to speak of) and am very straight-acting. The problem is, you probably don't believe me.

You're complaining about the lack of straight acting gays, but also refusing to believe anyone who says they are. It's catch 22!
I think the problem isn't so much the lack of them, but your scepticism about the very existance of them!

Well, I have yet to meet a straight acting gay guy. I do not know one straight acting guy. I have met a couple guys from online who said they were straight acting but were far from it. Maybe I've just been unlucky, but I'm basing it on experience.

1ZRed wrote: »

Well that's fine you don't have to tell more people because it's your decision but I'm surprised you're still so reserved about being gay and trying to hide it. If you were truely comfortable with it you would be more free to do what you wanted without any reservations. But I can see you are not.

I am free to do what I want. There is nothing stopping me from doing what I want. Anything I do is a choice, not something that is forced upon me. I choose not to go to gay bars/clubs.

1ZRed wrote: »

Your boss can't discriminate against you and you aren't the only gay guy where you work so it's not as if it's going to be a massive event where you get fired, unless you work at a church.
Sorry to break what special thing you had going where you thought you were the only one.
And once I'm fully out should I hide that from my employer too just because it might be taken badly? No. I have too much self respect for that. Being gay isn't some flaw to be hidden, and over the last year, I've come to realise that.

You're being a bit dramatic... again. I don't believe myself to be the only gay guy in a job despite what you think. Just think, if you were going for a job interview and lets say you were into Death Metal music, would you mention that to your employer? Probably not. Why not? Of course there's nothing wrong with liking that music, but it might hamper your chances of being hired. Same thing with mentioning being gay. Personal life and work life shouldn't mix.

1ZRed wrote: »

And I'm not saying go to a gay bar. You seem to think that's where we all love to go once we've come out and that's where you have to be. Go to a straight bar and meet guys. If you're there with your 'out' friends they'll point you to a gay friend of theirs or be your wing man and take the pressure off you. It's what the majority of straight lads do because women came be very intimidating. And it's an absolute laugh to go on the pull with your mates and have each others backs.

Ha, I definitely would never 'go on the pull' with my mates. I think it would be extremely awkward for everyone involved!

1ZRed wrote: »

You said you were 'the only one'

I never said that. You seem to enjoy making things up. In fact, searching through the pages, you seem to be the one that keeps saying I'm the only one. I think you're getting a bit confused.

1ZRed wrote: »

And how would you know?you've never been out on the scene to call those shots and come up with that figure! You haven't seen gay guys at a straight club because you haven't looked or noticed them because they look like normal guys and you're too afraid to go find out. Likewise, you never went to a gay club to see normal guys there either.
You're in no position to make assumptions if you haven't even entered the 'real world' as you say. Websites are not reality so I would stop making statements like that purely based on them alone.
The majority of gay guys I meet are straight acting and masculine. I notice them because I go out and find them. If all you did was step back and look in, all you would see is camp men because they stick out and are noticeable whereas the normal guys are just that - normal, so we blend into the straight guys. Btw I have never been with a camp guy ever. All very masculine. That 99% in closet figure is in your head because the masculine guys make up the majority by far. If you got out there you'd realise it pretty quickly.

My assumptions were based of my own experiences. As I said above, I don't know any straight acting gay guys and the guys I met online claimed to be straight acting and weren't.

1ZRed wrote: »

And even on those websites it is predominantly masculine guys that I see and when messaging back and forth, I know damn well that they are masculine and not camp. It's really obvious in their humour and wording but I think you're just so against anything remotely camp, that any little thing that doesn't suit you scares you off. That or you don't have a good judge of character.

I have talked to many guys online. I have chatted to many for a good deal of time as well. Sure some of them are nice and friendly, but I will agree with you on one thing - any sign of campness and I'm outta there. It's just a complete turn off.

1ZRed wrote: »

Well what do you want? You're just telling us you can't find any guys like you when you haven't looked away from your computer screen to find them.

Well technically, seeing as I'm trying to find guys online like me, wouldn't guys like me also be online? I'd imagine a guy like me (or a guy I would like) wouldn't be in gay bars or clubs.

1ZRed wrote: »

If you're going to ignore the advice and valid points of the guys here and not take anything way from it, then what the hell do you want from us?

I appreciate all the comments, but it seems to mewhat you guys are saying is that the only way to find a guy with similar interests (similar interest also being not going to gay bars/clubs) is to go to a gay bar/club? I just don't understand it. However, I may decide to go to a gay bar one night, to get it out of my system, and to have a fully informed opinion on the matter. I think once I go, any arguement I make for or against gay bars will probably be a bit more valid.

floggg wrote: »

First off, what was so hard to suss out about the user name? Should be obvious to anybody who did 6th class Irish?

Well not many people understands Irish these days I'm afraid. And also, even if you understood the name you may not have associated it with the topics in my posts.

floggg wrote: »

It's a choice. You can choose to put your work and career over your happiness if you want. But you need to be conscious that its a choice that your making, and you have to accept that it will mean that your opportunities to meet people and have relationships will be greatly reduced. if your job means that much to you, fine.

Work and career over happiness? You do know you can gain happiness from your career as well, don't you? Not everyones life revolves around relationships. You have to strike a balance between work, relationships, leisure etc.

It's pretty late now, so I can really think clearly. Hopefully I've made some coherent comments! Thanks.

jaydoxx

eaglach wrote: »

Well, I have yet to meet a straight acting gay guy. I do not know one straight acting guy. I have met a couple guys from online who said they were straight acting but were far from it. Maybe I've just been unlucky, but I'm basing it on experience.

Out of curiosity. If you were in a room with 100 "straight acting" people, how would you determine who is gay? Or would you just assume that everyone is straight to prove your point that you're the only straight acting gay in the village?

As for your second point. People lie, get over it. And in their defence maybe they lie so people will give them a chance and not write them off for being themselves. I think you need to give people the benefit of the doubt, and this is coming from a "sraight acting"(hate that term:p) guy who isn't particularly attracted to feminine men.

eaglach wrote: »

My assumptions were based of my own experiences. As I said above, I don't know any straight acting gay guys and the guys I met online claimed to be straight acting and weren't.

You realise that's called prejudice? Also if you're getting so burned from all the liars who are on these dating websites why do you continue to use them? Obviously online dating doesn't attract the guys you hope to meet.

eaglach wrote: »

Well technically, seeing as I'm trying to find guys online like me, wouldn't guys like me also be online? I'd imagine a guy like me (or a guy I would like) wouldn't be in gay bars or clubs.

Or maybe they've copped on and realised they are as likely to meet themselves online as they are in their day to day lives? Doing things they actually enjoy:p

For example if you're looking for someone who (i dunno) plays the viola, where are you most likely to find him? Sure he might be into online dating, but odds are he'll be playing his viola in a classical music society or some junk.

Don't limit your love life to people who share your exact tastes, embrace the difference and grow as a person. How do you know you don't like what they like if you don't even give people a chance to show their true colours because their voice is 1 pitch higher than absolutely ideal?

Now I'm not saying you should settle for second best. But I am saying you should lighten the hell up and enjoy your life. People will gravitate to that and even if you end up living alone at least you can be happy and content and not full of regret.


tl;dr go meet people in real life with the same interests as you. But not so you can meet your clone, so you can meet people with the same interests as you. Widen your circle of friends and also just come out of the closet for your own sake. Happiness is just a decision away, don't make the wrong one.

Peace and shiz:cool:

Rick_

I'd love to prove you wrong that I am not camp, considering we have chatted online. Do you not believe me that I'm not?

You also seem to have a lot of pre-conceived notions in your own head that you need to dispel as they are doing you no favours.

I used to think like you. I wouldn't go to gay bars and did nothing but look at guys online as I figured that the only guys I'd have any interest in would only be online. Then I wised up and went out into the real world and realised that's a load of horse****e. Different types of guys are everywhere and you have as much chance of meeting your ideal match in a gay bar as you have online, at the supermarket or anywhere else human beings attend.

To be honest, the amount of negativity you have about a lot of things easily points to you not actually being fully accepting of your homosexuality yet, so perhaps you should deal with those issues before you go looking for someone to have in your life. As RuPaul says, ''If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?''

I'd love to talk online to you more, don't think this post is in any way me outting you down or anything, it's more constructive criticism. Believe me, I've bene where you have, a lot of guys have, and sooner or later you will realise how silly your way of thinking is. I just hope you realise it sooner or you're gonna look back and relise all the time you've wasted. I didn't do it until I was 26, there's a good 10 years of my life I wasted because I didn't put myself out there and try and have a life. I spent it sitting in front of a computer being unsociable and missing out on a lot of experiences younger guys have. Hindsight is always 20/20 though, so please don't end up the same.

1ZRed

eaglach wrote: »

I never said I was the only straight acting guy. People putting words in my mouth again.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community

eaglach wrote: »

Well, I have yet to meet a straight acting gay guy. I do not know one straight acting guy. I have met a couple guys from online who said they were straight acting but were far from it. Maybe I've just been unlucky, but I'm basing it on experience.

Well have you met them in person or have you even skyped them? I just went onto grindr there and I saw a heap of masculine guys and got talking to a lot too. They seem to pass the test.

I'm more interested to know how you use these sites. I assume you have a blank profile because you haven't denied it in previous posts so if that's the case a huge amount of guys won't even give you the time of day. You're basically just limiting yourself even more if I'm right with my assumptions.

eaglach wrote: »

You're being a bit dramatic... again. I don't believe myself to be the only gay guy in a job despite what you think. Just think, if you were going for a job interview and lets say you were into Death Metal music, would you mention that to your employer? Probably not. Why not? Of course there's nothing wrong with liking that music, but it might hamper your chances of being hired. Same thing with mentioning being gay. Personal life and work life shouldn't mix.

Yeah because out of the two of us I'm the one being dramatic :rolleyes:
EH no I wouldn't mention it, no more than a straight guy would plain out say "I'm straight" but if I was talking to co workers and I came around to telling them I wouldn't care. I'm gay. What am I supposed to do, lie?
Anyway if you know you're not the only gay guy at work how could this be such a huge issue for you? If there's another guy your boss is hardly going to go crazy. But I don't see an issue with you keeping it to yourself, I get that. I just don't get the unnecessary paranoia revolving around the subject.

eaglach wrote: »

Ha, I definitely would never 'go on the pull' with my mates. I think it would be extremely awkward for everyone involved!

Just shows up how you're so uncomfortable with yourself. It's a normal thing to do with friends. The only thing that would make it awkward is your view and attitude towards the idea. If you were confident in yourself, there would be no question of awkwardness.

eaglach wrote: »

I never said that. You seem to enjoy making things up. In fact, searching through the pages, you seem to be the one that keeps saying I'm the only one. I think you're getting a bit confused.

You said you were on your own in this community which means that you think you are the only one of your type.

eaglach wrote: »

My assumptions were based of my own experiences. As I said above, I don't know any straight acting gay guys and the guys I met online claimed to be straight acting and weren't.

Well how come I meet them the whole time? Have you ever actually physically spoken to them to know?

eaglach wrote: »

I have talked to many guys online. I have chatted to many for a good deal of time as well. Sure some of them are nice and friendly, but I will agree with you on one thing - any sign of campness and I'm outta there. It's just a complete turn off.

I'd love for you to describe yourself. I have never met a guy as masculine and as anti-camp as you, you must be a real life action man OP!:rolleyes: In fact I'm actually tempted to chat to you on grindr to see how you stack up.
And I bet I'll come out more masculine (not that it even matters but it does to you) I'm definitely not the only masculine guy on this forum either, not by a long shot.

eaglach wrote: »

Well technically, seeing as I'm trying to find guys online like me, wouldn't guys like me also be online? I'd imagine a guy like me (or a guy I would like) wouldn't be in gay bars or clubs.

Yeah maybe in a parallel universe but the odds of that happening are slim to none. You'll never find your doppelgänger, ever. But If you joined clubs that you were interested in, you'll find a load of guys way easier that fit you better than any online site ever could.

eaglach wrote: »

I appreciate all the comments, but it seems to mewhat you guys are saying is that the only way to find a guy with similar interests (similar interest also being not going to gay bars/clubs) is to go to a gay bar/club? I just don't understand it. However, I may decide to go to a gay bar one night, to get it out of my system, and to have a fully informed opinion on the matter. I think once I go, any arguement I make for or against gay bars will probably be a bit more valid.

The only reason why they are telling you that is because it's so much easier to meet guys at a gay club than a straight one. Seems to make sense.
I keep telling you you don't have to go to a gay bar. But go and actually find out how they actually are, it's no harm.
After that why not hit up a straight club and try to meet guys there. If you don't want to be outed by going to The George or whatever else, there will be no fear of that happening at a normal club.

baby and crumble

For what it's worth, I met my partner doing charity work for the St. Vincent de Paul. I was just doing what I enjoy, and lo and behold, there's this gorgeous chick who I was crushing on, and huzzah! She was into chicks too, and more specifically into me! :cool: In fact most of the couples I know met their partners- at least the ones they've stuck with, rather than the randomers- at things other than gay clubs.

I think most people here are simply saying that if you rule out people online, people in gay bars/ clubs, and people in general life, then well... who's left? No-one.

eaglach

jaydoxx wrote: »

Out of curiosity. If you were in a room with 100 "straight acting" people, how would you determine who is gay? Or would you just assume that everyone is straight to prove your point that you're the only straight acting gay in the village?

My example of 100 people is based off a sample of 100 guys I know. I do not know anyone personally that is a straight acting gay guy. It's not an assumption. It is a fact.

Paddy C wrote: »

To be honest, the amount of negativity you have about a lot of things easily points to you not actually being fully accepting of your homosexuality yet, so perhaps you should deal with those issues before you go looking for someone to have in your life. As RuPaul says, ''If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?''

I don't know where you're getting that from. If I didn't "accept my homosexuality" would I ever have met up with other guys? No. I think a more accurate statement is that I am not embracing the camp side of homosexuality!

1ZRed wrote: »

Well have you met them in person or have you even skyped them? I just went onto grindr there and I saw a heap of masculine guys and got talking to a lot too. They seem to pass the test.

Met them in person.

1ZRed wrote: »

I'm more interested to know how you use these sites. I assume you have a blank profile because you haven't denied it in previous posts so if that's the case a huge amount of guys won't even give you the time of day. You're basically just limiting yourself even more if I'm right with my assumptions.

Blank profile? No. I have more on my profile than most. Something more inventive than most others profiles. And if you mean a photo, I have a photo, but not of my face. Actually, if someone messages me and they have a face pic on their profile I will more than likely not talk to them. May sound harsh, but my God, it's very foolish to put a photo on a seedy website like that.

1ZRed wrote: »

EH no I wouldn't mention it, no more than a straight guy would plain out say "I'm straight" but if I was talking to co workers and I came around to telling them I wouldn't care. I'm gay. What am I supposed to do, lie?
Anyway if you know you're not the only gay guy at work how could this be such a huge issue for you? If there's another guy your boss is hardly going to go crazy. But I don't see an issue with you keeping it to yourself, I get that. I just don't get the unnecessary paranoia revolving around the subject.

Oh no, I wouldn't lie. I'd just skip the question. Avoid it. The same goes for a lot of things in my life. I'm not entirely open about everything to everyone. Some people in my life know I'm a metal fan, others don't. I don't think full disclosure is necessarily the best option in every situation.

And once again, please read carefully what I wrote. I said I know I'm not the only gay guy with a job, not that I know a gay guy in my workplace.

1ZRed wrote: »

Just shows up how you're so uncomfortable with yourself. It's a normal thing to do with friends. The only thing that would make it awkward is your view and attitude towards the idea. If you were confident in yourself, there would be no question of awkwardness.

Who said I was confident? And my mates don't do the whole wing man thing. And even if they did, I wouldn't push the whole gay thing onto them. Maybe they're not comfortable with it, I don't know. I don't want to overstep my bounds, especially if I asked them to help me score some dude. Anyways, I don't really chat about the whole gay thing with them. I remember trying to test the waters by making a couple of gay jokes to test the waters and I just got awkward laughs so I didn't try any further.

1ZRed wrote: »

You said you were on your own in this community which means that you think you are the only one of your type.

No, I didn't say that. Keep twisting. I said I feel alone. That doesn't mean I'm the only one. It just means I haven't encountered anyone like myself.

1ZRed wrote: »

Well how come I meet them the whole time? Have you ever actually physically spoken to them to know?

Yes.

1ZRed wrote: »

I'd love for you to describe yourself. I have never met a guy as masculine and as anti-camp as you, you must be a real life action man OP!:rolleyes: In fact I'm actually tempted to chat to you on grindr to see how you stack up.
And I bet I'll come out more masculine (not that it even matters but it does to you) I'm definitely not the only masculine guy on this forum either, not by a long shot.

I didn't realise this was a competition. And whats wrong with having certain turn-offs? I'm sure there are certain things that you come across when you meet a guy that may irritate you.

1ZRed wrote: »

Yeah maybe in a parallel universe but the odds of that happening are slim to none. You'll never find your doppelgänger, ever. But If you joined clubs that you were interested in, you'll find a load of guys way easier that fit you better than any online site ever could.

Well I have been members of clubs. Did I meet any gay guys? No. Well maybe I did. Maybe they were all gay and straight acting. But how was I to know. Maybe I should have borrowed your magical gaydar.

1ZRed wrote: »

After that why not hit up a straight club and try to meet guys there.

I just honestly don't see that as an option. I well believe you that you are able to pick up gay guys at a "straight" club, but me? Nope. Maybe if they were waving a rainbow flag and making out with a dude I might be able to, but even that's a stretch.


Well if I didn't feel alone earlier on, I certainly do now! I don't think anyone shares my views on any of the matters raised. A bit disheartening.

bleepp

OP- I don't really know what to say to you. There is no need to feel disheartened as you are definitely not the first gay guy to feel slightly disillusioned with it all. You say you don't like campness and that there is no guy in the gay world that you can relate to? Well at least that's what I got from your posts, but to make claims like that without being out in the "scene" is misguided and plain wrong. How do you know there are no guys out there like you if you haven't went out and searched for them? Diversity is rampant in all areas of life, including homosexuality so believe me, there is someone out there for you but remaining in the closet and feeling sorry for yourself wont achieve anything but will just adversely effect you mental health. I wouldn't have much faith in internet sites like gaydar and such so don't base your opinions on your browsing experience.
I think you haven't accepted your sexuality yet if i'm being honest and speaking from experience everything is a lot lot better and clearer when you firstly accept who you are and then grow to love your sexuality. It ain't easy mate but its a bridge all gay people have to cross.

Most importantly remember that everyone here has your best interests at heart and if you do come out you will find your friends will accept you too, and if they don't they aren't worthy of your friendship.

Don't feel down man life is worth living, begin a new chapter in your life and just embrace who you are and experience that part of yourself that's been kept hidden for so long. It's something I have to do yet myself so I know how scary the whole thing can be.