Hacked his account, I think I'm being cheated on right now!

LegacyUser

My boyfriend is doing a course at the moment on the other side of the country, his ex girlfriend from about 10/12 years ago lives near by. He is staying up there and told me today on the phone that he was meeting up with this girl.

I asked how this came about, and he said they were messaging each other for a while on facebook, using chat, and 'liking' each others post, etc.

So they arranged to meet up. I decided to check his facebook messages and see what the fcuk he was on about, as this was the first time I had heard he been talking to her regularly. I'm not normally like that, it's just this was very much out of the blue and threw me a bit.

But he had changed his password a good while ago, (he knows all my passwords, and I used to know his) So I got myself into his email by answering the security questions and then I was able to request another facebook password for his account.

At this moment in time I'm the only one with access to his email & FB. Not too sure how this will play out, but I think I will probably just play dumb.

The messages are confusing, his are very long paragraphs that stink of desperation, he flatters and compliments her numerous times, I cringed as I read them. He also comes across VERY insecure, he apologizes to her in advance a couple of times for his appearance and how he wished he had time to lose weight before he sees her?!

Her messages are completely harmless, they are all only a couple of lines each, and only really mention; when and where, things like that.
She has a long term boyfriend who lives with her, and from what I can make out he will be there this evening.

Seriously what the fcuk?? I'm absolutely stunned!!

fungun

doesnt sound like you are being cheated on then, but doesnt sound like its for want of your bf trying.
You were obviously suspicious enough to look at his fb in a way that should be apparent to him though, so not sure why you are now 'stunned'.

You have two options - bring this up, say what you saw, say you think its unacceptable, see if you can work through this. Or just dump him. Kinda depends on what you want/your situation.

deirdre77

fungun wrote: »

doesnt sound like you are being cheated on then, but doesnt sound like its for want of your bf trying.
You were obviously suspicious enough to look at his fb in a way that should be apparent to him though, so not sure why you are now 'stunned'.

You have two options - bring this up, say what you saw, say you think its unacceptable, see if you can work through this. Or just dump him. Kinda depends on what you want/your situation.

I think ur bf def wants to try to meet her more than she wants to meet him n he wants it for.more than friends!!! To.me doesnt sound like she wants anything to happen just friends! I wud def ask him as it will only eat away at u and start causing arguments! If u know ur bf well enough ull no he is lying! Trust me on that 1....

Piliger

So a guy completely harmlessly keeps contact with an ex - and he is repaid by a hysterical girl friend who completely and outrageously abuses his trust and his privacy, based on absolutely nothing but jealousy.

OP - I really think you have a personal problem that you should go and talk to someone about. I dearly hope this boy friend finds out what has happened and moves on to find someone he can share a normal trusting relationship with.

The Princess Bride

You know something?
He didn't have to tell you about his plans today-he choose to do so.
I think he is the one who has the problem,as his girlfriend hacked into his fb account.
Seriously?
This isn't nice behaviour.

Ickle Magoo

Hi deirdre77,

Welcome to PI.

Can I ask that you please refrain from using text-speak - as covered in the Forum Charter

Cheers


As per site rules - if you wish to respond to this post, please do so vie PM and NOT on-thread.

Big Bag of Chips

She knew him 10/12 years ago - when he was younger and I assume smaller (lighter!) Age changes us all!! He probably remembers what he looked like when he was going out with her, and was letting her know he's not the same anymore!

I think you went looking for something and found it.. I'm not saying it was there.. but I'm saying you had in your head what you were looking for, so you are fitting what you read around that.

I think you were wrong... really really wrong.
You could have asked him. You could have told him you weren't comfortable, you could have handled this so many other ways than you have.

If he's going to her house, there's a chance her bf is there?

I think you have a problem in your relationship - and I think it's not that you're bf is cheating on you...

Lorna123

Punched in the gut! wrote: »

My boyfriend is doing a course at the moment on the other side of the country, his ex girlfriend from about 10/12 years ago lives near by. He is staying up there and told me today on the phone that he was meeting up with this girl.

I asked how this came about, and he said they were messaging each other for a while on facebook, using chat, and 'liking' each others post, etc.

So they arranged to meet up. I decided to check his facebook messages and see what the fcuk he was on about, as this was the first time I had heard he been talking to her regularly. I'm not normally like that, it's just this was very much out of the blue and threw me a bit.

But he had changed his password a good while ago, (he knows all my passwords, and I used to know his) So I got myself into his email by answering the security questions and then I was able to request another facebook password for his account.

At this moment in time I'm the only one with access to his email & FB. Not too sure how this will play out, but I think I will probably just play dumb.

The messages are confusing, his are very long paragraphs that stink of desperation, he flatters and compliments her numerous times, I cringed as I read them. He also comes across VERY insecure, he apologizes to her in advance a couple of times for his appearance and how he wished he had time to lose weight before he sees her?!

Her messages are completely harmless, they are all only a couple of lines each, and only really mention; when and where, things like that.
She has a long term boyfriend who lives with her, and from what I can make out he will be there this evening.

Seriously what the fcuk?? I'm absolutely stunned!!

I don't blame you getting suspicious. I don't think he should have been blatently telling you he was meeting up with his ex and then expecting you to be thrilled about it. I don't know how you are going to get around looking at his mail and facebook. You could just explain that you were trying to see what was going on and panicked. I have to say that I don't like the sound of it at all. I am sure that nothing will come of it but if she was interested then I wouldn't be too sure. You will have to talk to him about this and just tell him that it doesn't sit easy with you i.e. him meeting an ex after 12 years, there is bound to be some magic in that. I wouldn't like it I have to say.

crazygeryy

Forget everything else I think your way out of line hacking into his account and if I was him and I found out you did that to me id dump you straight away.he didnt do anything, he told you he was meeting her.he didn't need to do that especially since hes on the other side of the country.
You need to cop yourself on imo.

LegacyUser

I don't understand why everyone jumps on the OP for checking his messages (she knows it wasn't morally right to do) when the bf's behaviour is clearly wrong. To go re-connecting with an ex from 10 to 12 years ago and meeting up with them, not mentioning it to the gf until it's about to happen? Would all of you here be comfortable if your husbands/partners were privately having contact and sending compliments to their ex, then meeting up with them while a long way from home?

The bf messages his ex saying "he wished he had time to lose weight before he sees her" - so no-one would mind their partners sending messages like this to their ex?
I for one certainly wouldn't be happy with a situation like that, and think your bf is entirely out of order. I would go so far as to say he still appears to have feelings for his ex, he most certainly cares what she thinks of him going by the above.

If the ex encouraged him, I'd be fairly sure something would happen between them.

OP, I think you're best to confront him directly and honestly, tell him what you did/saw - and I know if I were you, I wouldn't be continuing in a relationship like that. The choice is yours to make, though..

LegacyUser

fdfasfsdf wrote: »

I don't understand why everyone jumps on the OP for checking his messages (she knows it wasn't morally right to do) when the bf's behaviour is clearly wrong. To go re-connecting with an ex from 10 to 12 years ago and meeting up with them, not mentioning it to the gf until it's about to happen? Would all of you here be comfortable if your husbands/partners were privately having contact and sending compliments to their ex, then meeting up with them while a long way from home?

People are jumping on her because she didn't just check his messages she gained access to his emails through rather dubious means then resets his facebook password so she can gain access to his account. Its one thing to pick up someones phone and flick through some texts but the OP is in a whole other world with her actions. Honestly I would no issue with my OH meeting up with anyone and at any time because I trust my OH and if I did bang my head and go mad and stop trusting him I would ask him directly not sneak around behind his back. The OP has done something truly awful to the trust in their relationship and frankly I'd be surprised if the BF stays with her when he finds out what she's done. The BF told the OP he was meeting this girl, told her he they were friends on FB, if he was going behind her back he wouldn't have needed to tell her anything. She read those FB messages how she wanted to read them. OP you don't sound mature enough to be in adult relationship and should see about getting some help for your trust issues.

Lorna123

If it is all as innocent as some of you like to think then why did he change both his passwords for e-mail and facebook ? Why does he suddenly want his privacy ? It would be different if OP never knew his password and then hacked into his account but he obviously gave her cause for concern.

If I were you OP I would put the same passwords back again to both the e-mail and facebook, the passwords you both shared and say nothing about it.

You will have to keep an eye on it though because you don't know whether this thing is going to get out of hand or not and you need to be prepared. You should ask him what the story is but there is no guarantee you are going to get the truth. That is how I see it.

Now there is evidence from what you have seen that nothing may come of this and you may have nothing to worry about, so don't jump to conclusion just yet. Keep an eye on the situation though.

username123

I dont believe that the breach of trust by the OP is as serious as the breach of trust by the OPs bf.

The OP was of the understanding that she had the passwords and access, given freely by the bf, to his email and facebook. So his permission had been given. He never told her that he removed access so he never revoked permission. He could have simply changed the passwords and forgot to tell her.

She looked at his email/facebook because she was suspicious of his behaviour - as it happens she was correct in her suspicions. While he may not have physically done anything wrong, it seems clear that he is emotionally cheating on her, or certainly he is writing inappropriate emails to an ex, AND attempting to hide that behaviour by changing his passwords.

So OP, I think just tell him you looked, you had permission, he never revoked it, I dont think youve done anything terrible.

Esoteric_

I don't agree with the whole 'why would he change his passwords if it's innocent,' line. The OP was obviously consumed by suspicion and jealousy when she went to such extreme lengths to access his Facebook account. I'm not gonna moralize on that, but thinking rationally, if she's that jealous a person, it's bound to rub off in her relationship. I'd certainly change my passwords if I were talking to an ex and thought that my boyfriend wouldn't like it.

I don't see anything wrong with complimenting an ex, depending on the actual compliments used. I wouldn't tell him he looked hot or anything, but from the information given, the OP's partner hasn't actually done anything wrong. If I were to meet up with an ex (I do occasionally with one), I'd tell my boyfriend unless I was meeting up with him in the hopes of more than friendship.

My conversations with 2 of my exes on Facebook include me complimenting them and them complimenting me, because that's what friends do. I'm not usually one for staying friends with an ex, but when I do, I treat them as a regular friend and that's that.

I think the OP was very wrong. If she were unhappy, she could have asked her boyfriend, or voiced her concerns. Instead, she resorted to covert means and to be perfectly honest, found nothing that sounds suspicious from the information given.

blatantrereg

Breaking into his private accounts, depriving him of access, and planning to conceal your actions: Possibly your suspicions more reflect your own sneaky nature than your bf's behaviour.

Doesn't sound like he's cheating on you at all, nor that he's any intention to do so. It does sound like he might be paying more attention than you'd like to the other girl, and less than you'd like to you. Normal enough to be bothered by that. But you're getting angry and aggressive and exagerating things rather than confront your own vulnerability in this matter.

You're best off admitting what you did, apologising for it and explaining how you feel - without being angry or aggressive like you are here. If that idea doesn't sit well with you then you are probably best off breaking up with him.

Dellnum

fdfasfsdf wrote: »

I don't understand why everyone jumps on the OP for checking his messages (she knows it wasn't morally right to do) when the bf's behaviour is clearly wrong. To go re-connecting with an ex from 10 to 12 years ago and meeting up with them, not mentioning it to the gf until it's about to happen? Would all of you here be comfortable if your husbands/partners were privately having contact and sending compliments to their ex, then meeting up with them while a long way from home?

The bf messages his ex saying "he wished he had time to lose weight before he sees her" - so no-one would mind their partners sending messages like this to their ex?
I for one certainly wouldn't be happy with a situation like that, and think your bf is entirely out of order. I would go so far as to say he still appears to have feelings for his ex, he most certainly cares what she thinks of him going by the above.

If the ex encouraged him, I'd be fairly sure something would happen between them.

OP, I think you're best to confront him directly and honestly, tell him what you did/saw - and I know if I were you, I wouldn't be continuing in a relationship like that. The choice is yours to make, though..

I agree with this. What person wouldn't be suspicious under these circumstances. He changed his passwords but if it was all completely above board then why did he do that?

LegacyUser

Dellnum wrote: »

I agree with this. What person wouldn't be suspicious under these circumstances. He changed his passwords but if it was all completely above board then why did he do that?

Maybe he changed his password because he had a security issue with either his facebook or email account that required he change it. May be he changes his password often as it's recommend that people change their passwords often to stop accounts getting hacked and anyone whose on facebook enough has either had their account spammed or seen it happen to a friends account.

Jumping to 'O he must be cheating' because he changed his email password makes no sense because if he was trying to hide something from the OP why did he tell her he was [a] meeting up with his ex and that he'd been taking to her on FB? He's far away from the OP and the OP from the sounds of things doesn't know this girl so really why would he go to the effort of changing his password and then tell the OP.

It's not the sign of a very healthy relationship when you go to extreme lengths to gain access to private accounts rather then being able to pick up the phone and talk to the other person, like say a grown up.

Piliger

Dellnum wrote: »

I agree with this. What person wouldn't be suspicious under these circumstances. He changed his passwords but if it was all completely above board then why did he do that?

I change all of my passwords on a regular basis, like everyone is supposed to do :rolleyes:

Dellnum

Piliger wrote: »

I change all of my passwords on a regular basis, like everyone is supposed to do :rolleyes:

Then when didn't he inform his g/f like he did before ?

Esoteric_

Dellnum wrote: »

Then when didn't he inform his g/f like he did before ?

If my boyfriend was jealous, I wouldn't give him my passwords if I thought he'd be upset at me having contact with an ex.

Actually, tbh, I flat out refuse to give any of my passwords to my boyfriend. I prefer having privacy. I'm not doing anything wrong, but my friendships are mine and my boyfriend has no right to read every conversation I have with my friends, exes included.

The OP has no right to his paswords. Her partner has every right to privacy. The fact that he told her he was meeting his ex is an indication that he's probably not doing anything wrong. Aside from that, the ex has a boyfriend!

Squiggler

Like some of the others I see a lot more wrong with what you have done OP, than with your boyfriend's behaviour.

Have you snooped before, or would he have reason to believe you did? If I thought my OH was abusing my trust like that I'd change my passwords too (and my OH).

As for meeting up with is ex, she sounds like no threat to you at all, and I agree that if he'd been planning anything sneaky he wouldn't have told you he was meeting her.

But I think you should consider ending the relationship, for his sake and yours. Relationships need to be built on trust, and yours clearly isn't... not only that but you've shown you are untrustworthy. That does not bode well for the future. You would both be better off moving on and finding someone else.

johnr1

She had reasonable suspicion of something out of the ordinary going on,

She had been given access to his account previously,

This access had been removed, most likely to conceal something.

I think most of the people getting annoyed with her here are just annoyed because she circumvented his efforts to hide something.

If he had left his facebook open and she had looked, would there still be the same sermonising?

My Advice OP:
Confront and dump, let him see if his old gf will have him back then.

Esoteric_

johnr1 wrote: »

She had reasonable suspicion of something out of the ordinary going on,

She had been given access to his account previously,

This access had been removed, most likely to conceal something.

I think most of the people getting annoyed with her here are just annoyed because she circumvented his efforts to hide something.

If he had left his facebook open and she had looked, would there still be the same sermonising?

My Advice OP:
Confront and dump, let him see if his old gf will have him back then.

According to the OP's post, she actually had NO reasonable suspicion. She just had suspicion. Nothing to reasonably warrant it.

If his Facebook was left open, I'd chastise her for looking through it too, unless she had any real reason for being suspicious. It's not the same thing, though. She went to huge efforts to access the boyfriend's Facebook. At some point during that task, she should have reasonably thought 'WTF am I doing' and stopped, or called and asked him about it.

LegacyUser

johnr1 wrote: »

She had reasonable suspicion of something out of the ordinary going on,

She had been given access to his account previously,

This access had been removed, most likely to conceal something.

I think most of the people getting annoyed with her here are just annoyed because she circumvented his efforts to hide something.

If he had left his facebook open and she had looked, would there still be the same sermonising?

My Advice OP:
Confront and dump, let him see if his old gf will have him back then.

She never said she'd been given access before only that she had known his passwords. He may have given her the passwords for a variety of reasons such as not having access to something on his email that he needed and getting her to check for him. I've had my OH do that in the past were he needed me to get an address from an email for him. He gave me the password and to the best of my knowledge changed it again next time he was at his computer.

I would still have issue with her looking if he just left his facebook open but that's because I value my privacy and thankfully have a partner that respects that and also trusts me. My issue with the OP is the length she went to to access his accounts rather then just being direct and speaking with her BF. Why did she just not call her boyfriend and confront him over meeting his ex? She didn't find out this information from this breaking into his facebook, he told her he was meeting her. If he was trying to hide this why on earth would he tell her?

Corkblowin

johnr1 wrote: »

My Advice OP:
Confront and dump, let him see if his old gf will have him back then.

The accused will be executed after the fair trial eh??

Dellnum

Punched in the gut! wrote: »

My boyfriend is doing a course at the moment on the other side of the country, his ex girlfriend from about 10/12 years ago lives near by. He is staying up there and told me today on the phone that he was meeting up with this girl.

I asked how this came about, and he said they were messaging each other for a while on facebook, using chat, and 'liking' each others post, etc.

So they arranged to meet up. I decided to check his facebook messages and see what the fcuk he was on about, as this was the first time I had heard he been talking to her regularly. I'm not normally like that, it's just this was very much out of the blue and threw me a bit.

But he had changed his password a good while ago, (he knows all my passwords, and I used to know his) So I got myself into his email by answering the security questions and then I was able to request another facebook password for his account.

At this moment in time I'm the only one with access to his email & FB. Not too sure how this will play out, but I think I will probably just play dumb.

The messages are confusing, his are very long paragraphs that stink of desperation, he flatters and compliments her numerous times, I cringed as I read them. He also comes across VERY insecure, he apologizes to her in advance a couple of times for his appearance and how he wished he had time to lose weight before he sees her?!

Her messages are completely harmless, they are all only a couple of lines each, and only really mention; when and where, things like that.
She has a long term boyfriend who lives with her, and from what I can make out he will be there this evening.

Seriously what the fcuk?? I'm absolutely stunned!!

First of all I think that your b/f telling you he was meeting an ex when he is miles away from you is not the thing to do. I don't care if everyone here thinks there is nothing wrong with this, there is. It is not the done thing. Then if he told you that he was messaging her on Facebook and this is the facebook that you both had access to in the past and you suddenly find that you can't get into it anymore. Of course you would be suspicious and rightly so. I can understand all of this.

Why would he changing his password just in case you might not like what you are reading and then tell you about meeting up with this woman when he would know you would not like that either ???

So now it comes to explaining that you hacked into his acount. Okay that might be a bit extreme but it is understandable. So what you have to do now, as some other poster suggested, is to go back and put the passwords that you both knew back and stay dumb. I am sure he will try the old password to see if he can get in to his e-mail. So that's that problem solved. You don't have to tell him you hacked into his account. That is not necessary at all.

As for the ex, well at the moment she is not a problem, so have a chat with your b/f and see what he says.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Just a brief bit of background....
Myself and my boyfriend were first together for about a year, (now we were very at the time) he started sending flirty texts to this particular girl, (I know because he accidentally sent me one) and shortly afterwards he broke up with me and a few weeks later I find out he's with her.

Anybody see a pattern emerging here??

Anyway he then broke up with her, declaring his undying love for me, and ten years on we are still together, and about a month ago he was talking about marriage in the next 5 years.


So excuse me if I'm a little thrown by his behaviour.

The worst thing about this is the double standards I'm subjected to. When it comes to our relationship I'm extremely laid back and I've zero jealous. He on the other hand has serious trust and jealously issues that pop their head up every now and again.

There is no way he would have stood for me going to meet a guy on my own, whom I used to have a sexual relationship with, even if it was over a decade ago, no way in hell!

But yet it's perfectly fine for him. This is what I'm most angry about.

He now knows I hacked his account, he was more interested in how I did it than anything really. I asked him to explain some of what he said in the messages...

Particularly what he meant by , ''I have something to give you from a long time ago that I would be embarrassed to give you now''
Turned out it was a little heart shaped pin that she gave him years ago, and he wanted to give it back.

The meeting yesterday had been planned for a least a week if not two. All of last week he kept asking me was I coming up to him at the weekend, I said I wasn't sure. He never mentioned anything about this girl until the VERY last minute when he knew for sure I wouldn't be up.

On Sunday morning when we were talking it was, ''Oh by the way I'm going into to town later to meet xxx, you could have come too if you had came down''

I just can't believe most of you that replied think I'm the one who is behaving appallingly.
I'm not sorry for hacking his account, I don't know if it's normal in other peoples relationships, but he knows all my passwords, pin codes, everything. I would never have got the truth out of him if I didn't get into his account.

Before he knew I had read the messages, I gave him the chance to tell me what was in them, and I asked could I read them and he said 'no, he deleted them all'.

I know nothing physical happened yesterday, he told me it was just him and her, they went for a drink, walk, etc. Giving her back a love token from years ago, it's all just a little bit too cosy in my eyes.

I just think that is a very inappropriate thing to do with somebody you were once with, and the secrecy that went along with it!!

Podgers

I have to hold my hand up for this one. i think if you have suspicions of your partner cheating you will end up going to any lengths to prove it

last year under similar circumstances i did the same thing to my ex. not my proudest moment but you live and learn. my ex used to always check my phone and Facebook and may question small things but i never had anything to hide put i felt i was under scrutiny all the time. then when i heard things that was going on with her and another guy it came the other way around it didn't sit too well. she was meeting up with a guy that was a "friend" but i found out a lot more was going on.

personally i think if your not happy with the actions of your partner and the borders are crossed its time to call it a day. without trust there is no relationship and its nearly impossible to rebuild that.

by the sounds of it he has told you about meeting his ex possibly in case if you will find out he has himself cleared. why he wants to meet up with an ex because she lives near by beats me. its like he is trying to see if anything can be rekindled with her, and if not he can safely carry on.

anyway as much and all it hurts you cant control him or make him love you, if he has feelings for her there is nothing you can do or change and its something you will have to accept. But if there's no trust there's hardly any point?

johnr1

LyndaMcL wrote: »

According to the OP's post, she actually had NO reasonable suspicion. She just had suspicion. Nothing to reasonably warrant it.

If his Facebook was left open, I'd chastise her for looking through it too, unless she had any real reason for being suspicious. It's not the same thing, though. She went to huge efforts to access the boyfriend's Facebook. At some point during that task, she should have reasonably thought 'WTF am I doing' and stopped, or called and asked him about it.

Reasonable is an objective term, and in my opinion, it was reasonable.

Corkblowin wrote: »

The accused will be executed after the fair trial eh??

No, - no trial, just dump. IMO, he's already been proven guilty.

Squiggler

Guilty of what exactly? Of staying in touch with an Ex? I wouldn't see that as a crime. In fact, it has been my experience that people who are NOT still in contact with any of their Ex's are the ones to be avoided.

My husband is still friends with some of his Ex's, as am I. There is a reason we're not still with those people, so no reason for jealousy, but they're not sinister reasons so their is no reason not to still be friends, and that includes occasionally meeting them.

The OP has fraudulently (possibly illegally) hacked into her boyfriend's email and facebook accounts, changed the passwords so he can no longer access them, and violated his trust and his privacy. Disgraceful behaviour.

OP, if you have had this jealousy/insecurity in other relationships you may need to seek professional help before you embark on any more... otherwise it will continue to damage you and your future relationships.

username123

Punched in the gut wrote: »

I would never have got the truth out of him if I didn't get into his account.

OP - I dont think you did anything wrong considering he had previously given you the access info and permission to use it.

However - look at the above sentence. Theres no trust in your relationship! If you are saying that the only way to get the truth is to go behind his back (whether or not that is right or wrong is irrelevant), then whats the point?

At what point did it become acceptable in your relationship to only trust what you can find out by sneaky means? What about communication and talking and honesty and trust?

Whatever about you hacking or him maybe cheating - the mere fact that you think you cant get the truth without going behind his back says it all.

Please love yourself and leave - this isnt a good relationship from either side!

Dellnum

username123 wrote: »

OP - I dont think you did anything wrong considering he had previously given you the access info and permission to use it.

However - look at the above sentence. Theres no trust in your relationship! If you are saying that the only way to get the truth is to go behind his back (whether or not that is right or wrong is irrelevant), then whats the point?

At what point did it become acceptable in your relationship to only trust what you can find out by sneaky means? What about communication and talking and honesty and trust?

Whatever about you hacking or him maybe cheating - the mere fact that you think you cant get the truth without going behind his back says it all.

Please love yourself and leave - this isnt a good relationship from either side!

The sad fact is that if someone is cheating and are confronted they are not going to tell the truth about it most times, so that is the reason that the OP had to use other means to find out the truth. Surprised nobody can figure that out. He said he was going to her place where her b/f was likely to be but he ended up meeting her in a public place where they had a drink, went for a walk and talked about old times ........really......and people think here that OP has nothing to be jealous about. Let's start living in the real world now and stop the nonsense !!!!

username123

Dellnum wrote: »

The sad fact is that if someone is cheating and are confronted they are not going to tell the truth about it most times, so that is the reason that the OP had to use other means to find out the truth. Surprised nobody can figure that out. He said he was going to her place where her b/f was likely to be but he ended up meeting her in a public place where they had a drink, went for a walk and talked about old times ........really......and people think here that OP has nothing to be jealous about. Let's start living in the real world now and stop the nonsense !!!!

Exactly - so if the trust is gone, whats the point of staying in the relationship! If you think that you are going to be lied to when you question your partner then you may as well throw in the towel.

I do think she has plenty to be jealous about, but Id be forgetting the jealously and more upset over the fact that after 10 years my partner was disrespecting me with his behaviour in such a way.

LegacyUser

Dellnum wrote: »

The sad fact is that if someone is cheating and are confronted they are not going to tell the truth about it most times, so that is the reason that the OP had to use other means to find out the truth. Surprised nobody can figure that out. He said he was going to her place where her b/f was likely to be but he ended up meeting her in a public place where they had a drink, went for a walk and talked about old times ........really......and people think here that OP has nothing to be jealous about. Let's start living in the real world now and stop the nonsense !!!!

No body said the OP had nothing to be jealous, jealously is a funny thing that can pop up at any time to the best but it's how you react to said jealous, that's whats important and reflects on the state of your relationship. her being jealous and/or insecure does not justify her actions with regard her OH's email and facebook account. If you feel so strongly that she was justified in her actions why then did you recommend that she cover her tracks and lie about? Why does she need to explain herself if she was left with no choice as her OH would just lie? Surely given he had previously given her the password to his email that means she is entitled to look at everything that is his when ever she likes?

If she was uncomfortable with her OH meeting his ex or taking with her then she should have spoken to him and she wasn't happy with the answer or felting he was lying/cheating then leave him. What sort of relationship can you possible have if you don't trust your partner and can't talk to them like an adult? Best for bother parties they separate and move on.

Dellnum

username123 wrote: »

Exactly - so if the trust is gone, whats the point of staying in the relationship! If you think that you are going to be lied to when you question your partner then you may as well throw in the towel.

I do think she has plenty to be jealous about, but Id be forgetting the jealously and more upset over the fact that after 10 years my partner was disrespecting me with his behaviour in such a way.

I understand completely why the OP hacked the account but she only knows herself where she wants to go from here. Lots of people tell white lies (and black ones too), even when married so we can't all get separated when that happens.

I agree with you that the disrespect shown to the OP after 10 years is a bad sign and I certainly think that what the b/f is doing is far worse than what the OP did.

Lorna123

I would have thought we should all be trying to help the OP here not judge her !

Katgurl

ok a few things here -

he was sending flirty text messages to some girl at the beginning of your relationship, you broke up & are back together TEN YEARS but you STILL haven't forgotten about it? One incident ten years ago is not a pattern.

I may be wrong but is there any chance your boyfriend feels he is constantly under suspicion? Maybe that's why he concealed this?

Listen, I am not immune to jealousy but I think its important to be able to see where its warranted and where its an extension of your own insecurities.

I think catching up with an ex from 10+ years ago is really quite sweet and usually indicative of nothing more than a trip down memory lane. As for the losing weight part, i am meeting a childhood friend in a few weeks and I had similar irrational feelings. Also, I met up wiht an ex when i was on his side of the world last year & after a few drinks i asked him "so go on... when you saw me what did you think - have i aged / would you still fancy me etc?" It was just a bit of curiosity.

As for the passwords, PIN etc - why is all this necessary? Don't you both have the right to privacy? Did he explain why he had changed his details?

Now you know your OH and we don't. So you have to ask yourself if this behaviour is completely out of character. The actions themselves IMO are completely understandable but if you think there is more to it then you would probably be best going with your instincts.

But it sounds like there is a serious lack of trust in your relationship.

LegacyUser

Seriously amazed at the amount of folks who think the OP was justified in her actions in gaining access to both his email and facebook account. That is seriously not healthy behavior. Also interesting people think she was right to do but also think she needs to cover her tracks so the BF doesn't find out....really people? Is that how anyone should act in relationship? OP either talk to your OH about your issues over the ex girlfriend and also the trust issues you clearly have in your relationship or break up and move on. You can't have a relationship without trust and communication.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

ok a few things here -

he was sending flirty text messages to some girl at the beginning of your relationship, you broke up & are back together TEN YEARS but you STILL haven't forgotten about it? One incident ten years ago is not a pattern.

I may be wrong but is there any chance your boyfriend feels he is constantly under suspicion? Maybe that's why he concealed this?

Please go back and actually read what I typed instead of just skimming it and jumping to conclusions.

It wasn't just SOME girl, it was the girl he meet yesterday.
And I couldn't give a flying fcuk about what happened ten years ago, we were very young at the time, it feels like a million years ago.

Also I already said I'm not the jealous one in the relationship, HE is!!! I'm the one that can often be under suspicion for no reason whatsoever, that's why I'm so fcuking mad over this. DOUBLE STANDARDS, not because I'm jealous and insecure.

When I read the messages yesterday, it was such a strange feeling, a really bad case of deju vu or something! And then pure rage over the double standards that are now so obvious in our relationship.

I'm not going to direct this at any particular poster, but for those of you that won't lay off the fact that I hacked his account; seriously p*ss off, not everything is as black and white as your fanatically views. Like I think we've established by now that I'm a sneaky, devious b**tch.
Yes it's wrong to hack somebody's account.
Am I sorry? No, not in the slightest.

And those that think it's perfectly normally and healthy to stay in contact with ones ex, guess what? So do I!
I actually really like this girl, I always did!

BUT, we haven't heard from her in TEN years (or so I was lead to believe), she lives on the other side of the country. And then bang, all of a sudden he just very casually mentions yesterday morning that he was meeting up with her, as if it was nothing?!

This is what lead me to my despicable, disgraceful act of hacking his account.

LegacyUser

Squiggler wrote: »

Guilty of what exactly? Of staying in touch with an Ex? I wouldn't see that as a crime. In fact, it has been my experience that people who are NOT still in contact with any of their Ex's are the ones to be avoided.

My husband is still friends with some of his Ex's, as am I. There is a reason we're not still with those people, so no reason for jealousy, but they're not sinister reasons so their is no reason not to still be friends, and that includes occasionally meeting them.

The OP has fraudulently (possibly illegally) hacked into her boyfriend's email and facebook accounts, changed the passwords so he can no longer access them, and violated his trust and his privacy. Disgraceful behaviour.

OP, if you have had this jealousy/insecurity in other relationships you may need to seek professional help before you embark on any more... otherwise it will continue to damage you and your future relationships.

Oh get real will you for god sake! I can't stress the following points enough......

I AM NOT THE JEALOUS TYPE, (in our relationship and even in life, I'm quite content)

I AM NOT NEEDY OR INSECURE

I HAVE NEVER CHECKED UP ON HIM BEFORE

Not all relationships are perfect and squeaky clean with no issues whatsoever. Some require a bit of work, but they can be worth it.

Also sometimes in long term relationships, your lives get tangled together.
We share a 'fan' page on facebook and for a long time I had no facebook account so I used to use his to sign in to get to the fan page, no big deal.

For paying bills and rent we mainly use my bank account, he will lodge money into it each month. As he is often at home during the day, he will do the grocery shopping, hence why he knows my pin code for my laser.

This is often what happens in the real world when you live with a partner, it's not that big of a deal.

Oh and his email, he's dyslexic, so there were numerous times in the past where I was sending CVs for him and emails to employers, etc. This is why I know all his passwords.

God I'm more angry at some of the posters on here than I am at him anymore.
You can't come on to a relationship forum, and give immature black and white replies to somebody's very individual situation.

Dellnum

cant log in now wrote: »

If you feel so strongly that she was justified in her actions why then did you recommend that she cover her tracks and lie about? Why does she need to explain herself if she was left with no choice as her OH would just lie?

This really doesn't apply now as the OP has already told her OH and he is okay with her hacking his account.

As for the reason she hacked into his account in the first place I would agree with an earlier poster who said that when you feel that your partner might be cheating you will go to any lengths to find the truth and this is what the OP did.

However, I feel that it isn't always a good thing to be completely honest for example it all depends on if she felt that her partner would judge her and maybe leave her for hacking his account as some of you suggested. In these circumstances I would feel that telling him would be a bad move. She has to be the one to decide whether he can take the truth or not or if the relationship will suffer on account of it. That is why I advised her not to tell him.

Defiler Of The Coffin

Punched in the gut! wrote: »

Oh get real will you for god sake! I can't stress the following points enough......

I AM NOT THE JEALOUS TYPE, (in our relationship and even in life, I'm quite content)

I AM NOT NEEDY OR INSECURE

I HAVE NEVER CHECKED UP ON HIM BEFORE

Not all relationships are perfect and squeaky clean with no issues whatsoever. Some require a bit of work, but they can be worth it.

Also sometimes in long term relationships, your lives get tangled together.
We share a 'fan' page on facebook and for a long time I had no facebook account so I used to use his to sign in to get to the fan page, no big deal.

For paying bills and rent we mainly use my bank account, he will lodge money into it each month. As he is often at home during the day, he will do the grocery shopping, hence why he knows my pin code for my laser.

This is often what happens in the real world when you live with a partner, it's not that big of a deal.

Oh and his email, he's dyslexic, so there were numerous times in the past where I was sending CVs for him and emails to employers, etc. This is why I know all his passwords.

God I'm more angry at some of the posters on here than I am at him anymore.
You can't come on to a relationship forum, and give immature black and white replies to somebody's very individual situation.

In fairness to other posters they can only go by what you've told us. You've only really started to clarify things now.

What advice would you like? What do you want out of this relationship?

LegacyUser

Defiler Of The Coffin wrote: »

In fairness to other posters they can only go by what you've told us. You've only really started to clarify things now.

What advice would you like? What do you want out of this relationship?

+ 1 OP people offer advice based on you first post. Theres no need for name calling. You say people shouldn't give "immature black and white replies" to very indvidual situations yet you left out a great many details of your situation and while you might think people disagreeing with you accessing you OHs accounts as you did (you didn't hack anything, you answered some basic security questions to get in that's not hacking) is them being immature there are a great many who would view your actions both with you OH and in replies to this thread as very immature. So what advice exactly are you looking for other then obvious talk to you OH?

Piliger

Punched in the gut! wrote: »

God I'm more angry at some of the posters on here than I am at him anymore.
You can't come on to a relationship forum, and give immature black and white replies to somebody's very individual situation.

Well actually your original post was a different story and it seems to me that you have a major anger problem and a major trust problem.
I think you should release this poor guy and let him move on to someone who will treat him a lot better.
I would advice some counselling for yourself before you start another relationship and hopefully you can tackle some of your issues and start afresh.

Esoteric_

OP, you are berating us for the opinions we gave but we gave those opinions based on the facts which you gave us. If he's the jealous type and you're not, you should have clarified that in the first place, not cursed at us for not assuming this.


I understand that you're not getting the responses you'd hoped for from the majority of the posters here, but your responses are going way overboard. We're trying to help you, believe it or not, and swearing at us and getting so aggressive when we're taking time out of our day to try to give an opinion on a situation that YOU posted online because you WANTED opinions on is rude and makes a mockery of this forum.

And with that, I'm done. I wish you luck in your endeavours to fix your relationship, or deal with the issues that have arisen, but I won't bother posting in here again because you've made it very clear that messages aren't welcome unless they're taking your side alone.

Ickle Magoo

OP, please respect the fact that posters are taking time out of their lives to try to help you with your issue. They have only the scant information you have given to make a judgement and read the situation. You may not like what they have to say but it could well be they are making a point worth listening to.

Any more aggression or insults and your thread will be locked.

Katgurl

Punched in the gut! wrote: »

Please go back and actually read what I typed instead of just skimming it and jumping to conclusions.

It wasn't just SOME girl, it was the girl he meet yesterday.
And I couldn't give a flying fcuk about what happened ten years ago, we were very young at the time, it feels like a million years ago.

Also I already said I'm not the jealous one in the relationship, HE is!!! I'm the one that can often be under suspicion for no reason whatsoever, that's why I'm so fcuking mad over this. DOUBLE STANDARDS, not because I'm jealous and insecure.

...

And those that think it's perfectly normally and healthy to stay in contact with ones ex, guess what? So do I!
I actually really like this girl, I always did!

BUT, we haven't heard from her in TEN years (or so I was lead to believe), she lives on the other side of the country. And then bang, all of a sudden he just very casually mentions yesterday morning that he was meeting up with her, as if it was nothing?!

This is what lead me to my despicable, disgraceful act of hacking his account.

Hi, I did read your OP and the above was not immediately clear. I get that you're pissed off & frustrated about this.

Ok so one-by-one:

The double standards are an alarm bell. Why is he so jealous? In what way? IMO the only time I was with somebody jealous it turned out he was the untrustworthy one. Do you think this could be the case here? Do you trust him - honestly / still?

So the girl herself is a bit of a problem. Have you met her, do you know her? Do you worry he harbours romantic notions about her as the 'one who got away'?

What do you want to happen now? Do you want some truthful answers? Do you want him to stop being jealous as his behaviour isn't 100% open?

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

Hi, I did read your OP and the above was not immediately clear. I get that you're pissed off & frustrated about this.

Ok so one-by-one:

The double standards are an alarm bell. Why is he so jealous? In what way? IMO the only time I was with somebody jealous it turned out he was the untrustworthy one. Do you think this could be the case here? Do you trust him - honestly / still?

So the girl herself is a bit of a problem. Have you met her, do you know her? Do you worry he harbours romantic notions about her as the 'one who got away'?

What do you want to happen now? Do you want some truthful answers? Do you want him to stop being jealous as his behaviour isn't 100% open?

Hi Katgurl, thanks for replying to me, sorry for flying off the handle. I read back over my two posts, and my anger jumps right off the page. I'm embarrassed. On a side note I actually am in counseling (I think a few people suggested I seek professional help!) I have OCD and am bi-polar, which I don't take medication for just yet.

When I read all the replies about how awful I was for breaching his privacy, it felt like everyone was ganging up on me. And it's probably just because at the moment I'm used to saying whatever I want to my counselor without being judged. Except for a few people, everyone just kept going on about how despicable I was, post after post, after post....

@ Ickle Magoo, I'm sorry, I'll behave, I wasn't being ungrateful for peoples time or only wanting to listen to opinions that suited my own, but it was like ''alright jesus I get it I'm a b**tch''

Yes katgurl it's the double standards that are the worst, this girl is not a threat in anyway, if she lived near me I'd say we would probably be friends!
Trust isn't really the issue on my side anyway, he's a different story though, he definitely doesn't trust me.
And I think that's why I want to make a big deal out of this, so maybe he might finally see the double standards very clearly for the first time.

Also I truly believe he didn't meet up with her with the hope of rekindling something BUT the whole thing was just strange; romantic walk along a pier, buys her a drink, gives her back a love token from ten years ago, it was inappropriate and he just sounded way too excited about meeting her in their messages.

Ellsbells

I always think that people who can't trust themselves can't trust others. Dunno about this one op - don't take everything at face value. Go with your gut.

Ickle Magoo

Post deleted.

The OP has made several contributions to this thread - could posters please ensure they read the entire thread before responding to posts/points the OP has already dealt with.

Cheers.

LegacyUser

OP,

Is this relationship really worth it? This is what you need to ask yourself. Personally from reading everything you wrote (I did read all your posts) I think it's not. There is no trust and regardless if his ex is trustworthy he is not. Not a basis for a good relationship. You have been with him for quite a long time and nothing has changed. The only things can change is if you change. Don't tolerate his behaviour. You can either tell him straight up that his behaviour is unacceptable and if he does not change it then move on.

And don't ever excuse this with your bi-polar or OCD, it has nothing to do with his behaviour and actions. It is sneaky as well as controlling and manipulative. The fact that you shared passwords to all of a sudden him changing it raises red flags.

You hacking into his account is not better either but to be honest from what you have been describing you didn't need to do those things. From his past actions and behaviour it was evident what he was up to.

The only thing I can add to all of this is that it is up to you to either tolerate this or move on. Life is too short to be with someone that you have to look over your shoulder all the time or have to give into his demands and controlling behaviour. This is something you need to discuss with your therapist as to why you would stick around in a relationship like that.

All the best, really. Take care.