Anyone come out but regretted it ?

ldil

I am just curious (mabey one of you know a rough %)
Is it at all common for a person to come out as been gay and then for whatever reason at a later point regret it and wished they had just stayed straight?

If that makes sense?

Sometimes, I cant help but feel there is so much media influence on been gay that I personaly believe there are a few people who come out as been gay only to realise later on that really they would have been better of if they had not.

I am confused myself fyi.

Daith

I couldnt stay straight. I think it might have been easier for me if I was straight but thats it.

I'm far more happier since I came out than before.

1ZRed

No when you're gay I really don't think it's possible to be happier straight. Done it, was very unhappy and confused so I said fuck this! and started being myself.

Not the easiest road but definitely the brighter one. Plus the sex ain't half bad:P

baby and crumble

ldil wrote: »

I am just curious (mabey one of you know a rough %)
Is it at all common for a person to come out as been gay and then for whatever reason at a later point regret it and wished they had just stayed straight?

If that makes sense?

Sometimes, I cant help but feel there is so much media influence on been gay that I personaly believe there are a few people who come out as been gay only to realise later on that really they would have been better of if they had not.

I am confused myself fyi.

Well, it's not saying the words that makes you gay- you're gay or bisexual all along, and coming out just means telling people.

I don't regret coming out at all. I'm far happier now that I am being 100% myself at all times. I also don't have a problem with being gay. Yes, for many reasons being straight is an easier path through life, but then again, so is being a white male with money and power, but i'm not one of them easier, and I don't want to be...

Annasopra

I don't think there are any people really who regret coming out apart from some who have faced violent reactions

floggg

OP when you say "stayed straight" do you mean just in the closet?

Not many would see themselves as having had a choice to be straight or gay/bi. The only choice was whether to be open with ourselves and others about how we are.

Anyway, for my part I haven't a single regret about coming out. If I could change anything I would have done it sooner - though I'm reluctant to say I regret the choice as I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through everything I did.

stephen_n

OP do you regret it because of peoples reactions or because your not sure your gay?

corked

No i've never regretted it - in one way I'm sorry that I did not come out sooner.

The most important thing is to come out when you feel its time, on your terms and when it feels right for you.

Ambersky

Ah yes the blue pill red pill question.
Do you regret it, seeing the truth, because you were told after this there is no turning back.
My own response, I would rather be awake, cant unsee or unknow the truth.
(clap of thunder)

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, or when go to church or when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind. (long pause, sighs) Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back.
(In his left hand, Morpheus shows a blue pill.)
Morpheus: You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=te6qG4yn-Ps

kiwipower

The only thing I regret about coming out as. Lesbian 12years ago is not coming out as bi.
More so trying to force this part of me back into the closet and ignoring it.

It has now really come back to bite me on the bum! Has been an issue that has played a small but significant role in d break up of my eight year relationship. Has caused issues in friendships &stopped me from forming other friendships.

All because I felt like I would not be accepted by either straight gay or lesbians for being bi! &probably partly because my first lesbian lover said I would go back to men &i wanted to prove her wrong!

Stupid of me really!
Especially now I'm learning all my L&G friends suspected anyway!

Chuchoter

ldil wrote: »

I am just curious (mabey one of you know a rough %)
Is it at all common for a person to come out as been gay and then for whatever reason at a later point regret it and wished they had just stayed straight?

If that makes sense?

Sometimes, I cant help but feel there is so much media influence on been gay that I personaly believe there are a few people who come out as been gay only to realise later on that really they would have been better of if they had not.

I am confused myself fyi.

I think you're maybe confusing the options you have, because its not be straight or be gay, there's being gay and lying to everyone and being gay and not lying to everyone.

My own coming out was disastrous (partially my own fault due to immaturity) I'm 3 years down the line now and to be honest, it hasn't really improved in any concrete way. For ages I felt so guilty for my parents, I felt abandoned by my friends and the whole thing was ****. There were many, many times where I would have done anything to have just kept my mouth shut. Do I regret doing it now? No. I learnt so much about myself, the people around me and how relationships work that I don't think I would ever have learnt had I not come out. It wasn't fun or pleasant and in some ways made me very bitter about certain things, but was critical in me being who I am now.

However, I do think you have a point about the media. The large part of it that involves LGBT themes has a tendency to be ultra super positive and glosses over the hard parts. Glee is a perfect example. Santana's grandmother who she really loves stops talking to her, and she's over it by the end of the episode and its never spoken of again. I think the media kind of soften the coming out process and as such, maybe mislead a lot of young people into coming out to soon.

In reality, unless you live in an incredibly conservative part of the world where you will be imprisoned or attacked for being openly gay, staying closeted is the kind of thing that eats away at you over time. That kind of lying and secrecy doesn't do good things for a person.

ldil

When I shut myself away from media, ie, the TV, the Internet, The Radio, The Press, The magazines etc etc and I can think for myself, I really question my urges!

My grand father spent his whole life behind the scenes working in Radio and Television and he always thought us that TV was bad for us. In fact, In our home, we did not have a TV or any form of media (or any of my aunts or uncles homes either) all because my grand dad had warned my dad of its powerful force of the way it can influence and change the human mind and how easliy the TV can download an opinion to the viewer in some sort of subconsious manner without the viewer really knowing that they have taken in an opinion and later on in life will act on it without really remembering where there opinion originated! (This is the hidden force my grandfather knew about). This is no secret to any student who studies media or works in advertisment I am told...

Anyways..to get back on track... I cant help but feel that these gay urges I get (Mabey they are more Bi urges) are not really of my true opinion and are really ideas and opinions that where downloaded to my subconsious mind through all the time I spent watching soaps and listening to the likes of madonna, britney etc since moving away from home and owning my own TV, iPod etc.

Do I make sense?
Sorry if it sounds confusing

Chuchoter

I can see how it can be hard to extricate how you feel from how people around you feel. Myself I really feel that with what I wear, like do I not like this because I don't like it or because I think X person won't like it. As you've said we don't live in a vacuum. The things we see and hear affect us in ways we can't always understand, but you can't let that uncertainty run your life. Go out and try things, coming out needn't be your first priority.

I actually think its more likely that the media has inspired this uneasiness in you. You question your attraction to the same sex, yet not to the opposite, the orientation that is far, far more prevalent and far more explicit on the TV.

Ciaran0

ldil wrote: »

When I shut myself away from media, ie, the TV, the Internet, The Radio, The Press, The magazines etc etc and I can think for myself, I really question my urges!

My grand father spent his whole life behind the scenes working in Radio and Television and he always thought us that TV was bad for us. In fact, In our home, we did not have a TV or any form of media (or any of my aunts or uncles homes either) all because my grand dad had warned my dad of its powerful force of the way it can influence and change the human mind and how easliy the TV can download an opinion to the viewer in some sort of subconsious manner without the viewer really knowing that they have taken in an opinion and later on in life will act on it without really remembering where there opinion originated! (This is the hidden force my grandfather knew about). This is no secret to any student who studies media or works in advertisment I am told...

Anyways..to get back on track... I cant help but feel that these gay urges I get (Mabey they are more Bi urges) are not really of my true opinion and are really ideas and opinions that where downloaded to my subconsious mind through all the time I spent watching soaps and listening to the likes of madonna, britney etc since moving away from home and owning my own TV, iPod etc.

Do I make sense?
Sorry if it sounds confusing

No, sexuality cannot be, as you say, "downloaded" from television/internet/music's influence. TV and all that could possibly influence you're feelings about sexuality, the ethics and morality of it and all that rubbish. But your own personal sexuality is inherent(It hasn't been proven 100% but it's probably genetic). Listening to Madonna and Britney Spears will not make you 'gayer'.

The media can be incredibly powerful and can create and completely change your ideals and opinions but not your sexuality. Sexual urges are quite distinct from opinion. Best I think just to accept what you feel and live with it. :-)

ongarboy

I think being honest to yourself (and to others about you) is always going to be better for your long term well being than lying (even if there is some initial negative reaction). That would apply to most things, I think, not just coming out about your orientation.

I haven't regretted coming out. Certainly, the initial euphoria I felt subsided after a while as it wasn't a case of one big long party once I was now "out". It was more about getting used to it. Most other things stayed the same for me except that I now didn't have to worry about how to phrase certain words/things or hide/lie/avoid things.

Annasopra

ldil wrote: »

When I shut myself away from media, ie, the TV, the Internet, The Radio, The Press, The magazines etc etc and I can think for myself, I really question my urges!

My grand father spent his whole life behind the scenes working in Radio and Television and he always thought us that TV was bad for us. In fact, In our home, we did not have a TV or any form of media (or any of my aunts or uncles homes either) all because my grand dad had warned my dad of its powerful force of the way it can influence and change the human mind and how easliy the TV can download an opinion to the viewer in some sort of subconsious manner without the viewer really knowing that they have taken in an opinion and later on in life will act on it without really remembering where there opinion originated! (This is the hidden force my grandfather knew about). This is no secret to any student who studies media or works in advertisment I am told...

Anyways..to get back on track... I cant help but feel that these gay urges I get (Mabey they are more Bi urges) are not really of my true opinion and are really ideas and opinions that where downloaded to my subconsious mind through all the time I spent watching soaps and listening to the likes of madonna, britney etc since moving away from home and owning my own TV, iPod etc.

Do I make sense?
Sorry if it sounds confusing

No. Sorry for being blunt but just no. For me being gay isn't something that's externally foisted upon me. It's something internal that is part of me. I'm not gay because I liked Kylie. I am gay because I feel within me that I am attracted to men.

LegacyUser

Yes I do regret coming out because of the reactions. The negative reactions have outweighed the positive. I don't think it would have made much of a difference if I had stayed incognito, I would not have felt any less myself. At the end of the day it is how you reckon with things, but it is made a lot more difficult if people stir up hate and discontent. I will never come out in work, never, people have pushed me to try and tell them. Those people are sad prurient individuals with nothing better to do but feverishly speculate about others.

Pedant

ldil wrote: »

When I shut myself away from media, ie, the TV, the Internet, The Radio, The Press, The magazines etc etc and I can think for myself, I really question my urges!

My grand father spent his whole life behind the scenes working in Radio and Television and he always thought us that TV was bad for us. In fact, In our home, we did not have a TV or any form of media (or any of my aunts or uncles homes either) all because my grand dad had warned my dad of its powerful force of the way it can influence and change the human mind and how easliy the TV can download an opinion to the viewer in some sort of subconsious manner without the viewer really knowing that they have taken in an opinion and later on in life will act on it without really remembering where there opinion originated! (This is the hidden force my grandfather knew about). This is no secret to any student who studies media or works in advertisment I am told...

Anyways..to get back on track... I cant help but feel that these gay urges I get (Mabey they are more Bi urges) are not really of my true opinion and are really ideas and opinions that where downloaded to my subconsious mind through all the time I spent watching soaps and listening to the likes of madonna, britney etc since moving away from home and owning my own TV, iPod etc.

Do I make sense?
Sorry if it sounds confusing

---> Conspiracy theories forum (especially the part about your homosexuality being a product of the media)

I never listened to any of those artists (Madonna, Britney), I thought they were shite. In fact, I mostly listened to alternative, rock and metal, yet I still turned out gay. I doubt very much that there's some subliminal force inside music that turns people gay. As for television, I never really watch it, only documentaries from time to time. Afterall, I have the internet.

ldil

Pedant wrote: »

---> Conspiracy theories forum (especially the part about your homosexuality being a product of the media)

I never listened to any of those artists (Madonna, Britney), I thought they were shite. In fact, I mostly listened to alternative, rock and metal, yet I still turned out gay. I doubt very much that there's some subliminal force inside music that turns people gay. As for television, I never really watch it, only documentaries from time to time. Afterall, I have the internet.

I only get gay inclinations when ever my emotions are aroused by femininity that I have experienced through media. Having never actually experienced the gay bar enviroment or acted physically with the same sex in a promiscuous manner I can not act on my thoughts just yet as my thoughts seem to be based on faith unfounded on fact. Had I been brought up in an average Irish home watching the TV my entire child hood I believe that perhaps I would be a different person now in many respects. My grandfather can be found in the RTE history books. He was heavily involved in its set up and I trust his word to the T. As a result of my personal upbringing, I can't help but be cynical about the whole thing but at the same time I am not trying to say that there is a conspiracy going on here. I don't for one second advocate that proposition. Often times you can get the effects of a conspiracy without an actual conspiracy going on if that makes sense? Another thing gramps told us along time ago.

I agree, the whole gay thing must form from some sort of genetic predispostion which one could argue that perhaps the subliminal effects of media can lead a person down a completey different sexual path if that person had been influenced by media compared to a person who had not been influenced.

Up to finishing my leaving cert I was only ever interested in girls. I was a horn dog you might say alike to many of the other chaps in my class. I played GAA in school. I can remember going out the summer after the leaving cert with the lads looking for the riode...
Anyways.. I move out, get my own place and start college and I live in a shared house with a TV in each room. I get my own laptop at the same time, I get an Ipod etc etc. After a few months and still to this day I notice I have changed somehow and I can't explain it and as a result I dont know if I am straight, Gay or Bi. I honestly believe the media did it to me.
Had, after school I moved to a jungle (just say I did) my bet would be that I would be happily married to a jungle girl.

Bottom Line here is this really... I am worried I would come out and then in a few years time realise that actually the whole gay thing was just from spending to much time stuck in the media world (monkey see, monkey do) and that if I meet a women and want to marry her I find myself in a possible position of finding it to hard to retract on my coming outness from my peers and elect to stay gay but Deep down I would rather just be a joe soap.... Phew
Now, I want to know is there anyone else like me out there?
Have people come out and realised that actually it was just a phase they went through (probably influenced heavily by modern society) and wished they had not come out?

sorry for long message guys.

I just want help.
Thanks

col.in.Cr

I came out today and I regret it already...



It was pissing outside and I got soaked

1ZRed

ldil wrote: »

I only get gay inclinations when ever my emotions are aroused by femininity that I have experienced through media. Having never actually experienced the gay bar enviroment or acted physically with the same sex in a promiscuous manner I can not act on my thoughts just yet as my thoughts seem to be based on faith unfounded on fact. Had I been brought up in an average Irish home watching the TV my entire child hood I believe that perhaps I would be a different person now in many respects. My grandfather can be found in the RTE history books. He was heavily involved in its set up and I trust his word to the T. As a result of my personal upbringing, I can't help but be cynical about the whole thing but at the same time I am not trying to say that there is a conspiracy going on here. I don't for one second advocate that proposition. Often times you can get the effects of a conspiracy without an actual conspiracy going on if that makes sense? Another thing gramps told us along time ago.

I agree, the whole gay thing must form from some sort of genetic predispostion which one could argue that perhaps the subliminal effects of media can lead a person down a completey different sexual path if that person had been influenced by media.

Up to finishing my leaving cert I was only ever interested in girls. I was a horn dog you might say alike to many of the other chaps in my class. I played GAA in school. I can remember going out the summer after the leaving cert with the lads looking for the riode...
Anyways.. I move out, get my own place and start college and I live in a shared house with a TV in each room. I get my own laptop at the same time, I get an Ipod etc etc. After a few months and still to this day I notice I have changed somehow and I can't explain it and as a result I dont know if I am straight, Gay or Bi. I honestly believe the media did it to me.
Had after school I moved to a jungle (just say I did) my bet would be that I would be happily married to a jungle girl.

Bottom Line here is this really... I am worried I would come out and then in a few years time realise that actually the whole gay thing was just from spending to much time stuck in the media world (monkey see, monkey do) and that if I meet a women and want to marry her I find myself in a possible position of finding it to hard to retract on my comming outness from my peers and elect to stay gay but Deep down I would rather just be a joe soap.... Phew
Now, I want to know is there anyone else like me out there?
Have people come on and realised that actually it was just a phase they went through (probably influenced heavily by modern society) and wished they had not come out?

sorry for long message guys.

I just want help.
Thanks

Let me set you "straight" here, the media has ZERO effect on your sexuality! I was like you, played hurling and football throughout school and did the same with lads in my year and chased girls. I still like girls albeit to a lesser degree than ever but once those gay thoughts are there, they're there forever. It's not the media's fault, it's always been with you and you're just starting to realise it.
You can't go back straight once you have those "gay thoughts" because a straight guy wouldn't have them in the first place so you're definitely not that.

You see just because you don't live up to the fake effeminate gay stereotype (that I think you've picked up from TV) and have been with girls and played sport doesn't mean you're straight. If you met me you wouldn't think I'm gay at all, but I am.

You don't have to come out and label yourself but just acknowledge that you like men and realise that's not going anywhere and deal with it.

MultiUmm

col.in.Cr wrote: »

I came out today and I regret it already...



It was pissing outside and I got soaked

That's bit of an AH answer anyway.

To answer your question OP, there were one or two times after I first came out where I felt a bit overwhelmed I suppose. I don't know if I'd use the word regret in hindsight (at the time I felt like I regretted it somewhat), but I went from practically no one at all knowing or even suspecting my sexuality to me becoming the first and so far only openly gay person in my year at school, in my family etc. It's hard to explain but sometimes I almost still feel slightly taken aback by it all, I knew I was attracted to the same sex at a very young age (10 or 11) and I hid it so well during my early adolescent years.
Eventually after a bolster in confidence and a general tiredness of hiding my sexuality, I came out to my family when I was 15 and friends a year later at 16. In fairness, I don't think I could've asked for a better coming out process, my confidence was never and still isn't great but compared to before I've come on leaps and bounds and no one at all at school or anywhere has a problem with it. I have had the odd name call alright but that was from pretty stupid ignorant people who are now (thankfully ) finished school.

So to summarise, no - I don't regret coming out at all. On a final note though, I'm not sure if this is a regret of coming out or not, but since I have to some people it's become the defining part of my personality. "Oh do you know MultiUmm the gay guy? He's soo sound, wish I had a gay best friend like him!" :rolleyes: Usually once I tell the gay best friend types I hate shopping like most males they tend to lose interest. :pac:

ldil

1ZRed wrote: »

deal with it.

Any advice on how I can deal with it ? I feel so embarresed and god forbid if the lads found out about me I think I would be the laughing stock of the neighbourhood Not to mention what my family would think of me.. Mabey I am just hoping that this Gayness or Biness or what ever it is would just go away. On the other hand (to myself) I fantasise about been a bottom but my head says "No, that is yucky and plain wrong".

MultiUmm

ldil wrote: »

Any advice on how I can deal with it ? I feel so embarresed and god forbid if the lads found out about me I think I would be the laughing stock of the neighbourhood Not to mention what my family would think of me.. Mabey I am just hoping that this Gayness or Biness or what ever it is would just go away. On the other hand (to myself) I fantasise about been a bottom but my head says "No, that is yucky and plain wrong".

It won't go away though. You can't fight what you're aroused by or attracted to, you can suppress it (which I really advise against because it's very unhealthy) but just "wishing away the gay" in you will never work. Sorry to be so blunt but that's the way it is, attraction is practically a primal instinct and if you happen to be aroused/ attracted to men you will have to try to come to terms with it as best as you can.

stephen_n

ldil wrote: »

Any advice on how I can deal with it ? I feel so embarresed and god forbid if the lads found out about me I think I would be the laughing stock of the neighbourhood Not to mention what my family would think of me.. Mabey I am just hoping that this Gayness or Biness or what ever it is would just go away. On the other hand (to myself) I fantasise about been a bottom but my head says "No, that is yucky and plain wrong".

What your suffering from is internalized homophobia not over exposure to TV/media influences. What age are you?

ldil

stephen_n wrote: »

What your suffering from is internalized homophobia not over exposure to TV/media influences. What age are you?

25

1ZRed

MultiUmm wrote: »

Usually once I tell the gay best friend types I hate shopping like most males they tend to lose interest. :pac:

Yeah reminds me when I came out drunk last new years I told them I don't do shopping, I don't do feelings and I don't do the stereotypical gay best friend!

ldil wrote: »

Any advice on how I can deal with it ? I feel so embarresed and god forbid if the lads found out about me I think I would be the laughing stock of the neighbourhood Not to mention what my family would think of me.. Mabey I am just hoping that this Gayness or Biness or what ever it is would just go away. On the other hand (to myself) I fantasise about been a bottom but my head says "No, that is yucky and plain wrong".

You just have to accept it first and then it will eventually come together on it's own. You like guys and that's just it. I was the same and tried to ignore it and wish it away but it didn't work. Tbh with you, because you're gay, being with a man will come way more naturally to you than being with a woman. And yes it's a hard thing to deal with when you where taught to think it was wrong but you'll realise that's not true and it's an amazing experience to have.
I'm from a rural area and I came out to friends there, it went fine. Sure some people didn't quite take it as well but that was my fault for not giving them time to adjust. But yeah I get you, I'm one of the lads with no gay friends so it's easy to imagine it will go badly and I'll be the laughing stock left with nothing afterwards. But if they were really your friends they would still like and love you regardless. If they don't all the more reason to move on from them because those type of people will not make you feel good about yourself for being gay and if you still hang around them while closeted.

And about the "plain wrong" sex, yeah I thought the same and told myself I'll never have anal sex or anything else because I thought it was sick and look at me now! There is nothing "yucky" or wrong with gay sex at all it's just that you're so against it because you were told it's wrong and you believe it because you don't want to be gay.

My advice to you is to stop fighting your attraction, accept it gets you aroused and maybe watch some porn and see what it's all about. That's what I did when I was 15 and it made me see it as a normal thing two men can engage in.

baby and crumble

col.in.Cr wrote: »

I came out today and I regret it already...



It was pissing outside and I got soaked

Please read the charter before posting again. This is clearly a serious thread, if you have nothing to contribute on the topic, please don't post.

baby and crumble

OP, if, as you believe, the tv, media, internet etc could turn you gay, then gayness should have not existed anywhere before the advent of mass media, nor in communities like the Amish community or civilizations which have not been exposed to mass media. If you look at history, this is clearly not the case, so your argument holds little water.

I understand that you don't really want to be gay, and that's understandable- I think most people here, if they're honest, had at least a little moment when they didn't want to be gay. I did, although I don't feel that way now- I have come to terms with who I am as best as I can.

You need to think more about who you are, and what 'gay' means to you. Is it a part of you, is it an element of who you are rather than what you are? No-one can answer those questions for you.

floggg

OP, if anything happened here I think it was that your parents/grandparents had you too sheltered and fearful about the effects of TV and media.

Think about it, 95% of what's on tv or on the radio is about heterosexual relationships. If there is any danger of tv/media conditioning you to be of a particular sexual orientation it would make you straight.

I mainly listen to hip-hop music, which is renowned for is misogyny and portrayal of women as sex objects. i particularly love a good hip-hop strip club anthem (Like a Pimp or Tip Drill are my jams). And yet I in no way feel attracted to big booty african women, despite the influence of music.

It sounds like you are trying to rationalise away your same sex feelings and explain it away as a phase. If it's not you, it's the media's fault, you can somehow overcome it and "go back to being straight." I did something myself for years - i told myself it was something to do with body image and insecurity. It wasn't, but I was making myself miserable trying to deny it, and explain away my feelings. And all the while I was trying to do this I was putting my life on hold.

I can also relate to the fear of being a laughing stock or being rejected, and not feeling i fitted into the typical gay man stereotype (played sport, didn't act camp, no fashion sense etc etc etc).

Eventually I reaslised there is no explaining it away and there is no hiding from it. I came out to myself first - I admitted I was gay - and immediately felt so much better. I could almost feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. Then I came out to everybody else. While there was a few rocky bits, I haven't once regretted doing so.

But you don't need to come out anybody just yet, take your time. You can do it at your own pace. Just be open to the possibility though that you are gay/bi and try and learn to see it as something natural and normal (which it is). As long as you try and fight it, you'll just make yourself feel bad every time you try to repress the feelings. That doesn't mean you have to decide anything either way about your sexual orientation - but just allow yourself to figure it out free of guilt or shame.

Ciaran0

ldil wrote: »

Any advice on how I can deal with it ? I feel so embarresed and god forbid if the lads found out about me I think I would be the laughing stock of the neighbourhood Not to mention what my family would think of me.. Mabey I am just hoping that this Gayness or Biness or what ever it is would just go away. On the other hand (to myself) I fantasise about been a bottom but my head says "No, that is yucky and plain wrong".

I think the worst thing you can do is to try and change yourself or act differently because of how you think others will react. Because you'll end up suppressing your urges/feelings and possibly damaging yourself psychologically. You don't have to come out to everybody, or anybody for that matter, your sexual preferences are your business, but don't ever suppress your feelings.

You shouldn't worry about coming out to everyone straight away, if you are going to come out. I think the best way to start is to just come out to one or even two people at a time, someone you trust. It can be one of the most amazing feelings when you come out for the first time, but don't jump in the deep end. Tell someone trusted and go from there.

You'll find a lot of folk react much better then you'd predict. I think true homophobes are few and far between, the rest just jumped on the bandwagon and will jump straight off again when a friend comes out of the closet.

kiwipower

OP I get the impression that maybe your at the stage before "coming out" to others.
Are you just trying to understand your own feelings and urges?
Maybe you need to take your time explore them yourself first?
Experiment, have fun, but be safe.
I think you need to be sure of what you feel about yourself first, and be strong in that position before you can share that with the world.
That would be MY experience and feeling.
But for some, talking to someone close, or even a professional first can help.
Try and listen to your own body and inner conscious self first.

stephen_n

ldil wrote: »

25

Too old for belongto then but have you ever considered addressing these issues with a counsellor?

Annasopra

kiwipower wrote: »

OP I get the impression that maybe your at the stage before "coming out" to others.
Are you just trying to understand your own feelings and urges?
Maybe you need to take your time explore them yourself first?
Experiment, have fun, but be safe.
I think you need to be sure of what you feel about yourself first, and be strong in that position before you can share that with the world.
That would be MY experience and feeling.
But for some, talking to someone close, or even a professional first can help.
Try and listen to your own body and inner conscious self first.

I agree with this. It seems like OP that you are struggling with identifying your feelings and possibly coming out to yourself.

DubArk

ldil wrote: »

Any advice on how I can deal with it ? I feel so embarresed and god forbid if the lads found out about me I think I would be the laughing stock of the neighbourhood Not to mention what my family would think of me.. Mabey I am just hoping that this Gayness or Biness or what ever it is would just go away. On the other hand (to myself) I fantasise about been a bottom but my head says "No, that is yucky and plain wrong".

You need to stop deflecting from facing up to who you are and cease blaming the Media and TV’s for what’s happening inside you and your feelings. Joe soap doesn’t exist…… that’s where the media really do get it wrong!! You have this distorted concept of what is expected of you in comparison to who you really are. You appear to me to have very low self esteem and I suppose me lecturing to you here doesn’t help one bit either. I don’t know if you’re gay, bi or just fantasise… but you have worth, you are to be celebrated and you’re NOT a laughing stock.

First step: You need to like yourself.

Back on topic: I have never regretted telling people who I am and I happen to be gay.

ldil

Thanks for your comments and thoughts.

Overall, I get the picture from you guys that I should go and try out the whole gay experience.

However, a part of me really feels that I am getting opinion's from people who have not formed there own opinions - Rather, they came to there gay conclusion/opinions and acted on it through outside influence, ie, The MEDIA :mad:

Trust me... I know the effects of subliminal stimuli on children and adults. Ray Darcy knows it's power more than any other Irish Broad Caster!

It's so hard to find an opinion these days from a person who has not been unknowingly had there opinions and views of things influenced from media (thats the whole point of subliminal stimuli).

I get the feeling I won't find my answer on this forum

There is a HUGE difference between actually carrying out and acting on your concious cognitive thoughts compared to acting unknowingly on subconcious cognition from opinions you don't understand how where formed.

Thanks for the input and help though. I will continue searching for my answer.

I was quite suprised to find a a good few interviews on youtube of former gay people. Interesting topic that needs to be discussed more.

Annasopra

No. I don't decide my opinions based on the media. I'm not gay because of subliminal stimuli or because of Ray D'arcy. I'm gay because of my own feelings and thoughts. It's not something external that is fed to me. It's something internal.

1ZRed

ldil wrote: »

Thanks for your comments and thoughts.

Overall, I get the picture from you guys that I should go and try out the whole gay experience.

However, a part of me really feels that I am getting opinion's from people who have not formed there own opinions - Rather, they came to there gay conclusion/opinions and acted on it through outside influence, ie, The MEDIA :mad:

Trust me... I know the effects of subliminal stimuli on children and adults. Ray Darcy knows it's power more than any other Irish Broad Caster!

It's so hard to find an opinion these days from a person who has not been unknowingly had there opinions and views of things influenced from media (thats the whole point of subliminal stimuli).

I get the feeling I won't find my answer on this forum

There is a HUGE difference between actually carrying out and acting on your concious cognitive thoughts compared to acting unknowingly on subconcious cognition from opinions you don't understand how where formed.

Thanks for the input and help though. I will continue searching for my answer.

I was quite suprised to find a a good few interviews on youtube of former gay people. Interesting topic that needs to be discussed more.

This TV conspiracy crap is starting to really annoy me. As somebody said, if all that we're true and media had such an influence on you, then wouldn't you be more conditioned to be straight because it's practically all straight people nearly all the time?

Tbh, I think these thoughts are a bit psycho and I feel like hitting you with a biology book but it's for your own good to snap out of that mind set. The only negative thing was your sheltered up bringing! And now that you're gay, you don't know how to deal with it and you're fighting it and causing yourself more damage than a lifetime of tv would have in your eyes. This is not a healthy, normal mindet. If anything because of a lack of media you've been totally brainwashed by the opinions and influence of your grandfather and family and from what I get from you, you didn't develope your own opinions or challenge them. I'm surprised because those notions are ridiculous. When I was a bit younger, I was a little prick and was challenging my parents on their religious views and their thoughts on gay people. Little do they know I've conditioned them into being more acceptant of it. So you see nobody's mindset should be locked down and closed to new ideas. That's what you're doing and if you keep finding scape goats to blame you're sexuality on, YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY!

Accept that your sexuality is with you, it happened naturally and you had no choice in it and it's not going away everytime you turn the TV off. It's not wrong it's completely biological and hardwired into you. The outside world and media have very very little impact on it. That idea is in your head!
So the sooner you knock those thoughts out, the sooner you can lead a more stress free and easy life in which you are happy with yourself.

Ciaran0

ldil wrote: »

Thanks for your comments and thoughts.

Overall, I get the picture from you guys that I should go and try out the whole gay experience.

Yes you most definitely should!

However, a part of me really feels that I am getting opinion's from people who have not formed there own opinions - Rather, they came to there gay conclusion/opinions and acted on it through outside influence, ie, The MEDIA :mad:

Trust me... I know the effects of subliminal stimuli on children and adults. Ray Darcy knows it's power more than any other Irish Broad Caster!

It's so hard to find an opinion these days from a person who has not been unknowingly had there opinions and views of things influenced from media (thats the whole point of subliminal stimuli).

A quick google search could probably confirm that sexuality can't be determined by the media. Your grandad may have been involved in television but he probably didn't know much or anything about sexual psychology(forgive me if I'm assuming too much). Even if you're confident that your sexuality has been changed by the media, do you think removing yourself from the media will change you back??

And think about this, every single person here has had a different experience of the media, yet we're all here on the same forum. I mean I grew up in a house without TV. I can't stand madonna or lady gaga or any of them. Yet I'm just as gay any other poster here.

It sounds like you're just telling yourself all this media craic just so you won't have to face the fact that your sexuality is not to your liking. If that is the case you've really got two options when you boil it down.

1. You keep telling yourself it's the media's influence and you're really straight, but you'll probably just end up repressing your sexuality and damage yourself psychologically.

2. Accept the urges you have and try them out. Try have both male and female sexual partners, and then have fun. Think about it logically, homosexual feelings are natural, they've been observed in 1500 different species. Therefore, any sexual urges you get are natural. No matter how strange they may seem to you, you can bet millions of people are the same.

I get the feeling I won't find my answer on this forum

I presume this line of thought is on the premise that you think everyone here has been affected by media's influence so we won't be able to give an unbiased answer? You don't know how engaged in the media any of these posters are because we are all anonymous here. Please don't discard the advice you've been given here, because chances are the majority of posters here have been through the confusion you feel right now so this is in fact the best place you could get advice.

I was quite suprised to find a a good few interviews on youtube of former gay people. Interesting topic that needs to be discussed more.

Former Gays? No study has ever shown that a persons sexuality can be altered. In the past horrible things were done to great people(See Alan Turing), and nothing ever came of it. You can't change your sexuality, whether by some new 'therapy' or by praying. You're in for a tough life if you're going to go down that road.

Take this advice. Accept yourself, whatever you are. Whatever about coming out to others. Come out to yourself first and be happy.

ldil

1ZRed wrote: »

This TV conspiracy crap is starting to really annoy me. As somebody said, if all that we're true and media had such an influence on you, then wouldn't you be more conditioned to be straight because it's practically all straight people nearly all the time?

One could agree with you there with no doubt. However, I believe that some humans are shall we say "more receptive" to values and opinions of the feminist & homosexual kind. I believe this to be just a genetic fluke of nature which one could say is in all humans but most humans stick to the common nature philosophy of opposites attract and live by that. One might say also that the media goes out of its way to exploit this genetic weakness, easily manipulated mind set, etc (call it what you will).

1ZRed wrote: »

Tbh, I think these thoughts are a bit psycho and I feel like hitting you with a biology book but it's for your own good to snap out of that mind set. The only negative thing was your sheltered up bringing! And now that you're gay, you don't know how to deal with it and you're fighting it and causing yourself more damage than a lifetime of tv would have in your eyes.

I take this statement as highly insulting at my own intellect. Who are you to label me as been Gay ? What gives you this privilage ?

1ZRed wrote: »

This is not a healthy, normal mindet. If anything because of a lack of media you've been totally brainwashed by the opinions and influence of your grandfather and family and from what I get from you, you didn't develope your own opinions or challenge them. I'm surprised because those notions are ridiculous. When I was a bit younger, I was a little prick and was challenging my parents on their religious views and their thoughts on gay people. Little do they know I've conditioned them into being more acceptant of it.

You have just proven to yourself through your own actions with your parents that even face to face human dialog can change the value and opinion system of a human. And there was no need for media to do it for you.

1ZRed wrote: »

So you see nobody's mindset should be locked down and closed to new ideas. That's what you're doing and if you keep finding scape goats to blame you're sexuality on, YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY!

I never stated that I am unhappy. I am actually very happy and have always been in a happy state. However, I feel corrupted and I have only myself to blame for letting myself be indoctrinated by the awful media industry.

1ZRed wrote: »

Accept that your sexuality is with you, it happened naturally and you had no choice in it and it's not going away everytime you turn the TV off. It's not wrong it's completely biological and hardwired into you. The outside world and media have very very little impact on it. That idea is in your head!
So the sooner you knock those thoughts out, the sooner you can lead a more stress free and easy life in which you are happy with yourself.

My life is stress free. I was born with a penis and by natural design was designed for the purpous of filling the vagina and the purpous of my sperm to become copresent with a female egg. I will not argue with that. To say it serves another purpous is like saying the sun shouldnt provide light or heat.

Ciaran0

ldil wrote: »

One could agree with you there with no doubt. However, I believe that some humans are shall we say "more receptive" to values and opinions of the feminist & homosexual kind. I believe this to be just a genetic fluke of nature which one could say is in all humans but most humans stick to the common nature philosophy of opposites attract and live by that. One might say also that the media goes out of its way to exploit this genetic weakness, easily manipulated mind set, etc (call it what you will).

Listen man, it's a kind of internet etiquette that when you make these type of far fetched statements that you back them up with links to studies and research done on the matter. You really should research these things before forming an opinion.

Everyone here is just giving you advice. You're the person who started this thread, but it seems like you don't want to listen to the replies you're getting.

My life is stress free. I was born with a penis and by natural design was designed for the purpous of filling the vagina and the purpous of my sperm to become copresent with a female egg. I will not argue with that. To say it serves another purpous is like saying the sun shouldnt provide light or heat.

This is kind of a contentious issue, and seeing as you're on an LGBT forum, you should probably tread carefully. Just know that many people here could see this as an insult. This is the kind of comment to get your thread shut down, 'sall I'm sayin!

1ZRed

ldil wrote: »

One could agree with you there with no doubt. However, I believe that some humans are shall we say "more receptive" to values and opinions of the feminist & homosexual kind. I believe this to be just a genetic fluke of nature which one could say is in all humans but most humans stick to the common nature philosophy of opposites attract and live by that. One might say also that the media goes out of its way to exploit this genetic weakness, easily manipulated mind set, etc (call it what you will).

I take this statement as highly insulting at my own intellect. Who are you to label me as been Gay ? What gives you this privilage ?

You have just proven to yourself through your own actions with your parents that even face to face human dialog can change the value and opinion system of a human. And there was no need for media to do it for you.

I never stated that I am unhappy. I am actually very happy and have always been in a happy state. However, I feel corrupted and I have only myself to blame for letting myself be indoctrinated by the awful media industry.



My life is stress free. I was born with a penis and by natural design was designed for the purpous of filling the vagina and the purpous of my sperm to become copresent with a female egg. I will not argue with that. To say it serves another purpous is like saying the sun shouldnt provide light or heat.

If you're so set in your thoughts and are happy with them then why don't you just shut out all media so this will go away? Since there's very little I do to snap you out of those notions then why don't you do just that and hope the corruption of television slowly washes away?

The only reason I called you gay was because I think you're really repressing your feelings at this point. You could be bisexual or whatever, doesn't matter what I call you but you're attracted to men and that's a fact that won't be wished away ever.

I changed their opinion I didn't change their sexual orientation. Those are two very different things you seem to see as equally alterable. That's not the case.

I really don't know what you want to achieve here? You seem hell bent on blaming your attraction on something when it's nobody's fault but nature.
Well I think you should experience 'gay life' and see for yourself ho you feel after that.

And I think you should look at the biology behind sexual orientation and stay away from those crack pot YouTube videos. Any crazy idea has a YouTube video to back it up you know so I wouldn't put too much emphasis on its credibility.

Read up some scientific articles and see if that doesn't sway your opinion.

ldil

Ciaran0 wrote: »

This is kind of a contentious issue, and seeing as you're on an LGBT forum, you should probably tread carefully. Just know that many people here could see this as an insult. This is the kind of comment to get your thread shut down, 'sall I'm sayin!

Well, I am sorry if I hurt anybodys feelings. That was not my intention. Sorry.

Cavehill Red

That 14.04 reply makes this thread seem a little trollish, but I'm going to assume it's serious and offer a non-gay perspective on this.
A lot of responders who are gay have pointed out that the media's influence cannot change someone's sexuality, and I'd pretty much agree with that. However, they are coming from a position where they are definitive about their sexuality, as I am about my own heterosexuality. Not everyone is so definitively straight or gay, though, and I can entirely accept that someone might feel confused by intermittent urges that conflict with their usual sexual preferences. Only yesterday I was talking to a gay guy who was married with two kids before he came out. Clearly, he was predominantly gay all along, but sufficiently hetero to father children and sustain a marriage for some years before deciding he wanted to live in keeping with his more dominant sexual preference.
So assuming that the OP may be in this sort of hinterland - predominantly hetero with occasional gay impulses, or vice versa, or close to half-and-half (classic bi), let's look at his media argument more closely.
I don't think for a minute that the media can change someone's sexuality. But perhaps what it can do is normatise activities and states that otherwise might have been unthinkable in someone's social surroundings. I don't think it's a coincidence that figures for homosexual demographics are lower in countries where it is generally discouraged or criminalised. One argument is that the same proportion of gay people are everywhere, a universalist position you could say, only in countries like Saudi or wherever, they fear acting on those impulses in case of punishment (religious, legal, social, whatever.)
That's a definite factor in some cases, but possibly not all. Looking again at those people without a definitive dominant sexuality, like maybe the OP, it could be argued as he does that exposure to media that normatises gay behaviour - gay kisses on soap operas, gay presenters of shows, gay singers in performance and so on - might have a role in influencing what we think of as 'possible'. I suspect plenty of people have experimented with same-sex experiences only to conclude they were straight after all who would not have experimented at all in a different era or country where such activity was not normatised.

TL;DR: Don't be too quick to dismiss the OP, even if he sounds a little trollish. He's exploring a sexuality that may be less clear-cut than most people's and his idea that he may be influenced by the media might carry more water for someone like him than for most people.

Ciaran0

ldil wrote: »

Well, I am sorry if I hurt anybodys feelings. That was not my intention. Sorry.

That's fine. But please, for your own sake, do read carefully through the replies on this thread. You've been given some sound advice by people who know from experience what they're talking about. Don't discard it.

ldil

Cavehill Red wrote: »

exposure to media that normatises gay behaviour - gay kisses on soap operas, gay presenters of shows, gay singers in performance and so on - might have a role in influencing what we think of as 'possible'. I suspect plenty of people have experimented with same-sex experiences only to conclude they were straight after all who would not have experimented at all in a different era or country where such activity was not normatised.

Excellent Post And I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you mention the "normatise" bit....!

With that been said so, Isn't there the chance that I may be right in my gut feeling about the whole thing, as in yes, my exposuer to the media has encouraged my Gay Gene and that more so in todays world I am surrounded by messages to "give in and sign up" ? It's cool to be gay etc

Cavehill Red

ldil wrote: »

Excellent Post And I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you mention the "normatise" bit....!

With that been said so, Isn't there the chance that I may be right in my gut feeling about the whole thing, as in yes, my exposuer to the media has encouraged my Gay Gene and that more so in todays world I am surrounded by messages to "give in and sign up" ? It's cool to be gay etc

All I can suggest is that gay people live in a world which entirely normatises straight behaviour (heteronormativity) and yet are still gay. Equally, it wouldn't matter whether every single media text I was exposed to was gay (the 'gay propaganda' scaremongering of the religious right), I'd still be straight. That's how dominant sexuality works - it's hardwired.
As I said, for someone with a more fluid, less dominant sexuality, the media may play a role in normatising less normal sexualities (so-called paraphilias). I'd expect S+M activity to rise a bit among Western mums thanks to millions of copies of "50 degrees of Grey" being sold, for example, as people encounter an unusual form of sexuality and have it normatised a litle for them, and then decide to experiment and see if it is for them.
That might be where you are with the gay thing. It sounds like you have a complex sexuality, and it could take you some time to tease it out to your own comfort in your identity. Social circumstances implied by your posts suggest that you are not in an environment which would welcome you being gay. Like others, I'd suggest finding a less judgemental environment in which you can live and explore your sexuality until you find what's comfortable for you and a relationship or lifestyle you can inhabit fulfillingly.

FairytaleGirl

That's a definite factor in some cases, but possibly not all. Looking again at those people without a definitive dominant sexuality, like maybe the OP, it could be argued as he does that exposure to media that normatises gay behaviour - gay kisses on soap operas, gay presenters of shows, gay singers in performance and so on - might have a role in influencing what we think of as 'possible'. I suspect plenty of people have experimented with same-sex experiences only to conclude they were straight after all who would not have experimented at all in a different era or country where such activity was not normatised.

All Sexuality is 'normal'. Acting on possiblities is a choice people make - You are probably aware of things like beastiality/necrophilia - doesnt mean you'll try it out because its presented as a possibility.

In regards to the OP. I have a degree in Media Studies - I specialised in Sexuality and Gender Studies and Representation and Culture. So basically everything you're mentioning.
I can tell you now - the Media follows 'Avante Garde' trends - trends on the very edge of whats considered the social norm and carries it into society - making it available to the masses. Wether thats an idea/product etc.
This can influence people to a degree - and yes people are more susceptible than others to ideas/trends/behaviour.
However. Usually the people who are more likely to accept a 'trend' or 'social ideal' make a choice to do so.
For example, take fashion. Women wearing Mens Clothes. Androgony. This was brought from the edge of fashion trends to the forefront of campaigns. Now no-one bats an eyelid at 'Boyfriend Jeans' etc.
Women who employ this look CHOOSE to do so. They see others doing it - It is presented as a possible fashion choice - So they choose it and wear those clothes.

They dont sit at home and fantasise or have thoughts on wearing mens clothes because they see it on tv. They either want to or they dont.

Your argument - If it carried any weight - Which I dont believe it does - Relates to people in the early 00's when sexuality was becoming more open - dabbled because 'its what everyone was doing'. Not necessarily because they wanted to - these people are straight - but had a bit of a wild past for fun, kissed girls and the like


HOWEVER. People who harbour same sex sexual thoughts, get aroused by them, and feel a desire to sleep with the same sex are not heterosexual.
Your argument that people are 'turned' because the media presents sexual variety as a possibility - is ridiculous. It only applies to people who are gay/bi/lesbian already, and realise that they dont have to live a lie.

People who 'dabble' because society tells them so - do it 'just to see' are weak willed or easily influenced, and often do it with no thought behind it.

People with Gay feelings and thoughts and fantasies - are Gay. By Nature. The Media may present a way of life that suits them and encourages them to be more oepn to their own desires but it doesnt make you Gay.

Same way knowing people have sex with animals doesnt make me want to do it. Even though I know its a possibility, people who practice beastiality have to have the urges to begin with.

I suggest you learn to accept yourself. You will never life a happy life unless you do - And if you supress your feelings/marry/have children - you will eventually ruin lives. Coming to terms with your sexuality will not ruin your life. It will make you happier.

baby and crumble

ldil wrote: »

Cavehill Red wrote: »

exposure to media that normatises gay behaviour - gay kisses on soap operas, gay presenters of shows, gay singers in performance and so on - might have a role in influencing what we think of as 'possible'. I suspect plenty of people have experimented with same-sex experiences only to conclude they were straight after all who would not have experimented at all in a different era or country where such activity was not normatised.

Excellent Post And I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you mention the "normatise" bit....!

With that been said so, Isn't there the chance that I may be right in my gut feeling about the whole thing, as in yes, my exposuer to the media has encouraged my Gay Gene and that more so in todays world I am surrounded by messages to "give in and sign up" ? It's cool to be gay etc

How on earth then do you explain homosexuality being around thousands of years ago, in oppressive societies?

How do you explain the struggle for gay rights, when everyone was being told by the media that is was wrong and evil? People were still gay.

Ciaran0

ldil wrote: »

Excellent Post And I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you mention the "normatise" bit....!

With that been said so, Isn't there the chance that I may be right in my gut feeling about the whole thing, as in yes, my exposuer to the media has encouraged my Gay Gene and that more so in todays world I am surrounded by messages to "give in and sign up" ? It's cool to be gay etc

I think you might need a crash course in genetics. What the media does is either give the message that it's ok or not ok to be gay. It doesn't make you gayer or less gay. Just changes how you feel about being gay.

By the way, being gay is ok.

Cavehill Red

FairytaleGirl wrote: »

All Sexuality is 'normal'. Acting on possiblities is a choice people make - You are probably aware of things like beastiality/necrophilia - doesnt mean you'll try it out because its presented as a possibility.

I don't want to go off-topic, but I meant normal in the sense of culturally dominant. It wasn't a value term applied to sexualities in general. Also, firstly we're not in a world where either of those paraphilias (bestiality or necrophilia) is normatised anywhere, but if either were to become the subject of non-judgemental or positivist media texts, I think it is likely that some people with a pre-existing but latent predisposition might be influenced to experiment.