Earning more than your partner.

Nymeria

Apologies if this has been discussed before, I looked back and couldn't find anything...

This is not an issue for me personally as im single and a mature student, but im thinking about the future when i'm hopefully earning good money..

I wanted to know what the general consensus was about being in a relationship (marriage, whatever..) where you as the woman earn more than your partner. Would it be an issue? It's obviously not all men, hopefully not even a lot of men, but I have heard something recently that bothered me.

My cousin and her fiancee are having difficulties in their relationship, as he is seemingly stressed out and not coping, hates his job, wants to leave but can't because of the bills (like everyone else in this country) etc. My cousin has tried to get him to talk about things and support him, told him to go to a doctor as he might be depressed, but during an argument he said that he hates the fact that she earns more than him :mad:.

I believe its more that she manages her money better than him, he smokes maybe 40 cigarettes a week and is annoyed that she generally has more disposable income than him. They have a child together, but she pays for and organises most of the school things etc needed for their daughter, so I don't see what the problem is.

So, he is basically making her feel guilty for managing money well, just because he can't do the same. Grrr.


On the other hand, my brother and sister in law both earn about the same, but she is studying at night for a professional qualification which her company are funding, and have said that when she finishes she will progress within the company, basically will hopefully be earning more in the next few years. I was discussing this with my brother recently because of the drama that my cousin is going through with her fiancee, and my brother was completely supportive of his wife and her career progression.


This came up again last night when I was out for dinner with a few friends, one girl who earns good money, is in a good job with potential to earn more in the next few years, said she believes men are intimidated or put off by what she earns (im not talking hundreds of thousands, but in the region of 40k and this will go up with experience). She has worked hard to get where she is, but she almost seemed embarrassed that she had been successful.

Has anybody had an issue with this? I thought in a partnership it shouldn't matter, as long as the bills are being paid. Maybe i'm naive.


Ok, that was long so TL;DR - Have you ever had an issue with earning more than your partner/ husband?

eviltwin

I have earned more than my husband most of our life, its a complete turn around because when we met I was still at school and then in college so for the early years he was supporting us, then I managed to work my way up to earn more than him, for about a year he was a SAHD so I was the only breadwinner and now I'm working part time so he's back to being the main earner again

He doesn't mind, I don't mind, I think both of us are on the same page that way that we don't care who brings in what money as long as bills get paid.

Right now I am going for a full time job in work that will mean I will be earning twice what he is, he is 100% behind me on that, if anything he is excited at the idea that he might be able to go parttime or be a SAHD again.

I'm not sure I could be with a man who had a need to be the higher earner, in todays job climate you can never be sure what kind of wages you will get and things can change so you have to be flexible.

borehead

that's right as long as the billes get paid . who cares .

christmas2012

I dont think its as big a deal as it was in the 80's,people dont mind so much now,actually might get used to it,having a partner who can pay the bills and such..

aujopimur

I'd love to be a kept man.

Maple

aujopimur wrote: »

I'd love to be a kept man.

Appreciate the attempt at humour but please don't post again unless you have something constructive to add.

Maple

christmas2012

aujopimur wrote: »

I'd love to be a kept man.

there are house husbands in ireland these days..

EDIT: didnt see the mod note..

Logical Fallacy

I reckon my fiancee will end up earning a lot more than me for quite some time. She tends to do contractual IT work and gets very well paid, I've been out of work due to illness long enough to know that when I get back into the working life I shall be starting at the bottom and working my way back up.

It's not an issue for me, I manage to pay my half of the bills and that is all I worry about. I wouldn't like it if I wasn't able to contribute at all...I wouldn't hate the fact that she was earning and I wasn't, I would simply feel like a financial burden to her.

I'd completely agree with you OP, if you are with someone long term, engaged or married then both people need to accept that one will most likely earn more than the other. You gotta start thinking like a couple and face the reality of your situation and live with it.

This topic comes up every now and then in one form or another...This is just my opinion and I am maybe going to get replies saying that ....we are very happy in our relationship and we both keep our own money however..

I earn more that my husband at the moment, because of the state of the construction industry but in the normal course of things he would earn considerable more that me, but no matter what its OUR money and I think thats very important and an attitude of its our money say a lot about how deep, how happy and committed a relationship is.

maddragon

I retired from the army last year so my wife could concentrate on her business (she is a web designer). We have 3 children and 1 on the way and if I remained in the army I would spend much of the next 10 years away from home as I have done in the last 20 years in that job.

We made the decision based on the the improved quality of life we would have with me at home and the fact that potentially she could earn alot more than me as her business is flying. I am a chartered civil engineer but there is no prospect of work here. I am delighted to be a SAHD at least for the next 3 years or so although I do the very odd nixer now.

daenerysstormborn3

Since I started seeing my boyfriend I have always earned more than him. He started out on BTEA when he was in college and then BTWEA when he opened his own business, in September he will be back on BTEA. Ultimately though he will end up earning way more than me when he gets a job in his chosen profession.

We have been living together nearly 2 years and are lucky enough not to have a mortgage/rent so we can meet our living expenses comfortably so I suppose this helps. I would imagine that if we had a mortgage/rent and higher living expenses then maybe it might be a problem, maybe I would become resentful at having to contribute more because I earn more? I don't know, is it like that for other couples?

Stheno

pixiebean22 wrote: »

. I would imagine that if we had a mortgage/rent and higher living expenses then maybe it might be a problem, maybe I would become resentful at having to contribute more because I earn more? I don't know, is it like that for other couples?

I think it depends on your standard of living.

If you are a real high roller, and earn four times what your partner earns and are not willing to share it, and in a go dutch relationship that's a pisser.

If you are happy to share treats for you that they could otherwise not afford then why not?

About the only things I spend money on are me, my partner and my ancient but beloved car.

If however you live with a parasite masquerading as a human who shirks every opportunity to put their hand in their pocket that's a different story.

whatislife

pixiebean22 wrote: »

We have been living together nearly 2 years and are lucky enough not to have a mortgage/rent so we can meet our living expenses comfortably so I suppose this helps. I would imagine that if we had a mortgage/rent and higher living expenses then maybe it might be a problem, maybe I would become resentful at having to contribute more because I earn more? I don't know, is it like that for other couples?

how do you not have a mortgage or rent to pay yet still live together?

Stheno

whatislife wrote: »

how do you not have a mortgage or rent to pay yet still live together?

I live with my partner and the same situation applies.

There are a couple of reasons:

1. Maybe one of them owns the property outright
2. Maybe it's a perk of their job, and their employers generously allow them partners, like the Phoenix park staff with the gate lodges.

Just examples mind, but I can think of a few couples like this.

In my case, I cover the multiroom sky, and our food per month to compensate for my good fortune, and my OH probably gets treated a bit more, we end up equal.

daenerysstormborn3

whatislife wrote: »

how do you not have a mortgage or rent to pay yet still live together?

Stheno wrote: »

I live with my partner and the same situation applies.

There are a couple of reasons:

1. Maybe one of them owns the property outright
2. Maybe it's a perk of their job, and their employers generously allow them partners, like the Phoenix park staff with the gate lodges.

Just examples mind, but I can think of a few couples like this.

In my case, I cover the multiroom sky, and our food per month to compensate for my good fortune, and my OH probably gets treated a bit more, we end up equal.

It's a small 3 bedroom bungalow. My boyfriend's dad built the house (on land bequeathed to him by his parents) nearly 50 years ago with his own money and his own labour, never had a mortgage on it and my boyfriend inherited the house from his father. I would assume this would be fairly common for houses built that long ago, when you built what was a necessity and not some big mansion you can't afford/you don't need.

Stheno

pixiebean22 wrote: »

It's a small 3 bedroom bungalow. My boyfriend's dad built the house (on land bequeathed to him by his parents) nearly 50 years ago with his own money and his own labour, never had a mortgage on it and my boyfriend inherited the house from his father. I would assume this would be fairly common for houses built that long ago, when you built what was a necessity and not some big mansion you can't afford/you don't need.

Why did you feel you had to justify that question?

Back to the OP, I've been in situations where I outearned my male partner almost all of my adult life, anything from 20-40k

I've only once had a problem where a serious partner saw our joint account where I foolishly lodged my salary as a slush fund.

Outside of that, I've found that with partners I really gel with, it's never an issue.

daenerysstormborn3

Stheno wrote: »

Why did you feel you had to justify that question?

The poster asked "how do you not have a mortgage or rent to pay yet still live together?" and I answered him/her.

Stheno

pixiebean22 wrote: »

The poster asked "how do you not have a mortgage or rent to pay yet still live together?" and I answered him/her.

If they had put a bit of thought in they wouldn't have needed to, good of you to answer

I'm in the same boat, so I just feed him

daenerysstormborn3

Stheno wrote: »

If they had put a bit of thought in they wouldn't have needed to, good of you to answer

I'm in the same boat, so I just feed him

Ah sure nowadays it is probably extremely unusual (and I don't use the word extremely lightly) to not have a mortgage or be paying rent. I'm sure there are even people who were once in the situation my boyfriend and I are in and then decided to get a big mortgage to extend the house or buy loads of fancy stuff for the house so that would make it even more uncommon.

Funnily enough I do the food shopping too, I do it online so I meal plan so I just take care of that. I suppose that's my only real contribution to earning more therefore spending more but it's not something that bothers me, I have to watch what I eat whereas he can eat what he wants so it benefits me more to be extra careful with the shopping.

Stheno

pixiebean22 wrote: »

Ah sure nowadays it is probably extremely unusual (and I don't use the word extremely lightly) to not have a mortgage or be paying rent. I'm sure there are even people who were once in the situation my boyfriend and I are in and then decided to get a big mortgage to extend the house or buy loads of fancy stuff for the house so that would make it even more uncommon.

Funnily enough I do the food shopping too, I do it online so I meal plan so I just take care of that. I suppose that's my only real contribution to earning more therefore spending more but it's not something that bothers me, I have to watch what I eat whereas he can eat what he wants so it benefits me more to be extra careful with the shopping.

Do you know that's just gas. (I've a mortgage from a previous relationship but not in this one where I live, so it's not that unusual:) )

Mad altogether.

I do the weekly shopping and the healthy meals, and then add all the junk crap he eats, chocolate, crisps, minerals, and in his case kids.

I don't touch the freakin stuff, but it's needed to keep the house going!

You sound like my doppelganger!

Works though, he loves having his meals sorted, I don't have to worry about what to feed his kids, and I can sort my budget to have good homemade food for weeks on end

We are the opposite, I eat what I want but have no sweet tooth, he has a sweet tooth but needs to eat more fruit and veg, but it's spookily similiar!

daenerysstormborn3

Stheno wrote: »

Do you know that's just gas. (I've a mortgage from a previous relationship but not in this one where I live, so it's not that unusual:) )

Mad altogether.

I do the weekly shopping and the healthy meals, and then add all the junk crap he eats, chocolate, crisps, minerals, and in his case kids.

I don't touch the freakin stuff, but it's needed to keep the house going!

You sound like my doppelganger!

Works though, he loves having his meals sorted, I don't have to worry about what to feed his kids, and I can sort my budget to have good homemade food for weeks on end

We are the opposite, I eat what I want but have no sweet tooth, he has a sweet tooth but needs to eat more fruit and veg, but it's spookily similiar!

I work in a small town without many lunch options so I bring my lunch with me and he is currently working from home so it's really handy to have all the meals sorted, otherwise he would eat a breakfast roll, a pizza and then 2 cheeseburgers and taco chips and still remain at 10.5 stone :P

Anyway, way OT now lol

Stheno

pixiebean22 wrote: »

I work in a small town without many lunch options so I bring my lunch with me and he is currently working from home so it's really handy to have all the meals sorted, otherwise he would eat a breakfast roll, a pizza and then 2 cheeseburgers and taco chips and still remain at 10.5 stone :P

Anyway, way OT now lol

Not so, as part of my contributing to my relationship, I bring him breakfast in bed (he'd never get out when I eat breakfast), leave his lunch (he's just like your OH) and then we have dinner.

I think it's a great compromise and a lovely soft way to get into talking about finances and trying to contribute to be honest.

I know he is sorting out x and y and I deal with z an a and that's it!

Works for us.

I will say that the longer we are together the more willing (as with most couples) we are getting to share finances, but this sort of arrangement meant we talked about it from the start to prevent him feeling like I was a leech!

daenerysstormborn3

Stheno wrote: »

I will say that the longer we are together the more willing (as with most couples) we are getting to share finances, but this sort of arrangement meant we talked about it from the start to prevent him feeling like I was a leech!

Definitely agree with that. We've never had any issue discussing finances but as we've been together longer we are more able to discuss what to do with "our" money.

All the bills are in his name and he pays them all, by that I mean he goes to the post office with the bills and hands over the money (something he learned from his dad was paying the bills straight away, his dad used to take the bills from the letterbox at 8.30am and by 9.30am they'd be paid in the post office) so he has a bit more responsibility when it comes to the actual paying of the bills so I suppose that does have its value too.

He's fairly sound though, there's never a mention of the fact that this is his house, as far as he's concerned this is our house and his dad left it to both of us.

Stheno

pixiebean22 wrote: »

Definitely agree with that. We've never had any issue discussing finances but as we've been together longer we are more able to discuss what to do with "our" money.

All the bills are in his name and he pays them all, by that I mean he goes to the post office with the bills and hands over the money (something he learned from his dad was paying the bills straight away, his dad used to take the bills from the letterbox at 8.30am and by 9.30am they'd be paid in the post office) so he has a bit more responsibility when it comes to the actual paying of the bills so I suppose that does have its value too.

He's fairly sound though, there's never a mention of the fact that this is his house, as far as he's concerned this is our house and his dad left it to both of us.

You are definitely my doppelganger

It's our house filled with "my" art, as he loves it and wants it in the house.

Everything we do is for a home environment that is ours, he works from home all the time so when I work from home we have zones:)

I guess when it comes down to it, we are essentially talking about the bones of an essential relationship which for me is compromise!

Works well for us, and on important occasions we red flag each other in our caldendars, or a simple hand wave if we intrude works wonders.

i was in a bit of a bad mood with the OH and just talking about this has made me see him and his life differently

Tough to have a couple living and working different jobs over the phones in the same house!

dearg lady

pixiebean22 wrote: »

Since I started seeing my boyfriend I have always earned more than him. He started out on BTEA when he was in college and then BTWEA when he opened his own business, in September he will be back on BTEA. Ultimately though he will end up earning way more than me when he gets a job in his chosen profession.

We have been living together nearly 2 years and are lucky enough not to have a mortgage/rent so we can meet our living expenses comfortably so I suppose this helps. I would imagine that if we had a mortgage/rent and higher living expenses then maybe it might be a problem, maybe I would become resentful at having to contribute more because I earn more? I don't know, is it like that for other couples?

I feel I am becoming slightly resentful, and I don't want to. My OH doesn't have a great job history so he's having no luck finding work at the moment. He's studying part time, but a lot of his JSB is going on paying for that, so some expenses are falling to me, now as we don't live together at the moment it's not too bad, but we're thinking of moving in together and I'm a bit apprehensive. There's a part of me saying, don't be silly, look at the bigger picture, he's working towards our future, but it does bother me a bit.

eviltwin

pixiebean22 wrote: »

Since I started seeing my boyfriend I have always earned more than him. He started out on BTEA when he was in college and then BTWEA when he opened his own business, in September he will be back on BTEA. Ultimately though he will end up earning way more than me when he gets a job in his chosen profession.

We have been living together nearly 2 years and are lucky enough not to have a mortgage/rent so we can meet our living expenses comfortably so I suppose this helps. I would imagine that if we had a mortgage/rent and higher living expenses then maybe it might be a problem, maybe I would become resentful at having to contribute more because I earn more? I don't know, is it like that for other couples?

Its not an issue for us, never was. I put up the entire deposit for the house out of my money - I was living at home in the early years rent free so could save most of my salary, he on the other hand had rent. I didn't feel resentful at all, I was glad I was able to do it.

We were slightly different though in that we had a child when we moved in so there has never been a time when the main earner has been doing it all, the other person through times of unemployment has been busy with the kids which is a job in itself So no, I haven't ever felt it, I hope he hasn't either. Right now he is pretty much paying the mortgage on his own but my money covers bills and other things so it works out fair.

mahamageehad

Not living with the boyfriend (yet!) and all along we were both students so money was always limited. Now however he's still a student and I've got a salary with a two year contract and I'm really hoping there won' be any issues between us over it. I know he can only work part time and I want to treat him when he's with me but lately he's been making a big show out of taking extra hours and earning money for our summer hol so we can go dutch on everything. Not really sure what to make of it yet!

OakeyDokey

There was a point in my relationship about a year and a half ago where I was earning more, the recession hit the fella's business hard and there was no work for a good six months and slowly it picked up again. He felt crap but it was more to do with me helping out more than me actually earning more. He's back up earning more than me now with two jobs around him.

I think if it came to a point where a started earning more he wouldn't have negative feelings towards me, he's always telling me to go for better things regardless of how the paycheck is. I think some people are still living in the old days when debates like this come up.

Jack B. Badd

Why would it be an issue?

Stheno

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Why would it be an issue?

Attitudes of the people involved and believe it or not third parties.

Jack B. Badd

Stheno wrote: »

Attitudes of the people involved and believe it or not third parties.

Ah ok, I'm just being dozy so In that case, people involved = no issue, and third parties can take a flying jump imo.

Tragedy

While my girlfriend was in college she had essentially zero discretionary income while I(a non smoker, occasional drinker with no interest in drugs, gadgets or technology) had lots and lots. Ergo, I paid for pretty much everything we did together.

Now, I'm in college and my girlfriend works. We split pretty much everything 50:50 (although she earns 2x what I get through BTEA and part time work) - although I do keep telling her I think she should buy me a Jaaaaaguar :pac:

We've never had to face any really difficult questions as we're both quite good with our money, but down the line I can easily see arguments over who pays what vis-à-vis mortgage, childcare costs, etc etc.
This may sound mercenary, but if I'm earning more, I'll still expect for us to go 50:50 on things - and this includes stuff like buying somewhere together. If we're both working hard and one of us is earning significantly more than the other, I don't expect her to subsidise my lifestyle and I sure as hell hope she doesn't expect me to subsidise hers.

Addendum: My cousin and her husband both have excellent jobs in the financial industry however the unexpected arrival of twins has left them with three year olds and facing the question of one of them giving up their job. The husband earns a lot less and he'll be the one becoming a stay-at-home-daddy.

Stheno

Tragedy wrote: »

While my girlfriend was in college she had essentially zero discretionary income while I(a non smoker, occasional drinker with no interest in drugs, gadgets or technology) had lots and lots. Ergo, I paid for pretty much everything we did together.

Now, I'm in college and my girlfriend works. We split pretty much everything 50:50 (although she earns 2x what I get through BTEA and part time work) - although I do keep telling her I think she should buy me a Jaaaaaguar :pac:

We've never had to face any really difficult questions as we're both quite good with our money, but down the line I can easily see arguments over who pays what vis-à-vis mortgage, childcare costs, etc etc.
This may sound mercenary, but if I'm earning more, I'll still expect for us to go 50:50 on things - and this includes stuff like buying somewhere together. If we're both working hard and one of us is earning significantly more than the other, I don't expect her to subsidise my lifestyle and I sure as hell hope she doesn't expect me to subsidise hers.

Addendum: My cousin and her husband both have excellent jobs in the financial industry however the unexpected arrival of twins has left them with three year olds and facing the question of one of them giving up their job. The husband earns a lot less and he'll be the one becoming a stay-at-home-daddy.

I have always taken the approach of dividing expenses proportionate to income, works really well to be honest the greater earner might have less but it's an equal burden.

okiss

I know of several couples in this situation. One couple a meet at a young age. She was in college for a few years and it took her some time to get work in her area. Within a few years she was earning at least €15k a year more than him. Today she is still earning more but she remembers him giving her money as a student and it has never been a problem.
Another couple met when she was earning £60k plus a year and he was earning a lot less. They both had changed careers over the following ten years and today they would be earning similar amounts.
You may have a fixed idea that he should earn more than you but this is not always the case. In today economy plans can change due to one person losing there job or working less hours. I was recently at the local school collecting a child I know. I saw a lot of fathers collecting children as the wife/partner were in better paying jobs or because he was let go from his job.
I think once you have an income coming into the house which covers the mortgage and bills it does not matter who earns the most.