Short Story Competition 9 (Twilight Zone) - Vote HERE!

pickarooney

NUMBER 13

Agent Weebley wrote: »

Am I going on a little too much about Gordon? I'll stop.

Yes. Please do. Thanks.

Agent Weebley

NUMBER 6

Number 6, our first runner-up, is the story we are critiquing at the moment, as it is a spooky parallel to real life, whatever that is [we can create new worlds with writing].

Well written, once the word engine begins to chug away [my subconscious must have been telling me to remember the Rapide?*] . . .

but the turn of a phrase, a missed opportunity for a direction change at a seemingly random, uncontrolled and innocuous crossroad[I wouldn't have had a dead woman, a sex only wish, or suicide as key points];

taking an easily negotiated deke at the wishbone segue [the sex act],

rather than picking the noblesse oblique and challenging Starsky & Hutch manoeuvre [if you do include a wrong move, get out of it gracefully];

an unrecognized primal urge to not slow to a crawl and see the point of convergence of the path less travelled [slow down and don't just go with the first thing that comes to mind - weed out porn],

but keeping the pedal to the metal at any cost, veering into the spacebar, stuck in the carriage, never to return . . . . a Warm Leatherette ending . . . so sad [why would he not re-write the past and solve the dead woman thing as maybe . . . she was unconscious?].

He could have changed the world! [see above about writing the future - it does actually happen]

Maybe a re-write will change everything . . . we can only hope he springs for an eternal ending [and give that suitcase full of money to xxxx xxxxxx - everyone in Ireland will benefit].

Oryx

NUMBER 10

It has taken me a while to get around to responding with feedback here, so many good stories there!

My favourite, the one that really grabbed me, was number 14. The opening sentence is perfect, and the tale evolves from that and draws you in. I felt it was beautifully written with some wonderful turns of phrase. The ending was poignant and emotional. I loved it.

Number 9 was next in line for me, I thought the main character was very well drawn, and the slow entrapment was well handled. The way in which the doppelganger takes over his place in the final section was nicely done and typically TZ.

Number 2 I liked because it played with the nuclear theme well, by acknowledging the cliche and using it in a tongue in cheek fashion with the TZ voiceover. I thought this was clever, and the story was kitsch in a knowing way. Though on a pedantic note its fate, not faith!

A few words on some of the others:

Number 7 I just could not read. I tried, but ended up skimming, sorry to say. It really did not draw me in at all. Too much tell, not enough show.
Number 13 "They don't think we're gods," Giger continued. "They think we're food."this was the best line in it. Good story, but it didnt get a vote simply because I liked others better.
Number 12, the 'western' language grated, really just not my thing. I liked how it ended but getting there I found a little overdone.
Number 6 was very well written but it frustrated me. The guy has unlimited power and he kills himself? Pathetic! I so wanted that story to end differently.

The ones I didnt mention, I still liked, but I suppose for the majority of them, I saw the ending coming and it took some of the impact out. I think TZ stories should keep you in suspense or at least dreading the outcome right till the final word.

indough

NUMBER 4

I voted for number 3. I share the opinion that the main character's instant connection between the piano and his change of heart seemed a bit convenient, and also that more could possibly have been made of the piano's powers, but perhaps that made it a more personal and relatable story than any of the others. I thought that it was the most in keeping with the tone of the show, and that was reaffirmed by the excellent use of the rod serling voiceovers at either end. I also thought that it had one of the more difficult loglines to work from (handling it exceptionally well), and I liked the writing style.

Das Kitty

NUMBER 14

Hello!

Well, I've finally read each story, and really there were some fantastically written pieces in the bunch. Such creative takes on the prompts.

My outright favourite was story 13. The original story the summary comes from has been done and parodied so many times, and yet the author was able to create an entirely new scenario with the tiny people, whilst still giving a nod to the original. I also thought the lead character was well-drawn, and the dialogue and world-building elements were spot on. I spotted the first twist (I'm on constant twist-lookout, so don't worry it wasn't obvious) so I really appreciated the second one and being caught out by it.

I also loved story 14. It was beautifully written and evocative. Some of the turns of phrase were gorgeous and I was almost shivering along with them. The characters were nicely sketched and I particularly loved that the character with the gift was worshipped, because, you know, he would be. The fact that he didn't want to be seen as a god or an idol was very fitting with the tone. I felt like I wanted to know more about the gift he had and how it worked or how he perceived it.

My third vote went to story number 8. Now upon first reading this I thought the mother character was off. She was behaving very oddly and when I got to the meercats I was thinking, "Ah, here lads." But then the reveal came and all that came before slotted neatly in. That the child had dictated the world and what happened in the story. I reread it then with fresh eyes and it's very cleverly done and written.

I voted for the above, but an honurable mention to story 3. I loved the characterisation and the setting, but I felt a bit more could have been done by the two monsters with their truth-forcing piano. Maybe a sequel? I also think that story 7, given more room to breathe could have been great. There was a lot of story squeezed into a small word count.

Leafonthewind

NUMBER 9

Great stories all around! I voted for 8 and 14.

1 – Good flow, well-described setting and I liked the contrast between how Baker and the main character reacted to their doppelgangers.

2 – I found some of this difficult to read because of the sentence structure and the sheer number of commas in some of the sentences. Also, grouping dialogue from different characters in one paragraph is one of my pet peeves. It makes it difficult for the reader to follow the dialogue and the story. But I liked the twist at the end.

3 – The setting and characters really came alive in this story. The pacing was good, as were the tight descriptions. It was a contender for me, but I’m still not sure how I feel about the ending.

4 – Reading this story while having breakfast was a very bad idea. The gruesome descriptions stayed with me long after I had finished reading. The story gets points for the extreme creepiness, but it was a little predictable.

5 – There was a lot of exposition and repetition in this story. I felt like I was being hammered over the head with how life-like the dog is. With some cutting and editing, this could be a very strong story. I really liked the ending.

6 – The verb tense changes disrupted the flow for me, but apart from that I thought the writing was very good. The ending came out of nowhere and his decision to kill himself didn’t feel believable. There needed to be more build-up to it.

7 – Too much backstory, not enough tension. This story didn’t keep my interest.

8 – This felt very much like a Twilight Zone episode, with the weird child, the empty streets and the mounting dread about what’s really going on. The story had a strange quality to it that I enjoyed.

9 – I felt this piece was well-written, but for some reason, it didn’t grab me as much as some of the others.

10 – I knew early on how it would end, and it was a little too long, but it did pull at my heartstrings.

11 – The opening paragraph drew me in and the character’s voice was strong from beginning to end. There was a good build of tension, and the hatred behind the character’s thoughts and his grim intentions at the end made me feel ill.

12 – The Western setting was well-conveyed through the dialogue, and although Westerns aren’t my thing at all, I can appreciate the story for the strong piece of writing it is.

13 – This world felt very complete, and we get all the information we need without getting into heavy bouts of exposition. The story could easily be developed into a longer piece or a novel.

14 – The writing in this piece was a cut above the rest, and that’s saying a lot in this group. Simply masterful.

Antilles

NUMBER 11

Phew! Woke up this morning thinking I'd forgotten to post this and missed the deadline! Just made it on time!

My votes go to #10 and #14.

1. Emile was well written. The story flows nicely and I like the desperate searching for alternatve explanations. It plays well to the scenario and Baker's character. Not sure about the ending; would have liked it to tie into some hint of an explanation.

2. Scene set really well. Very Twilight Zone feel to the whole piece. Don't by that Ron's rocket wouldn't be better guarded. Especially if its some sort of dead-man switch, which it seems to be.

4. Difficult premise this one. I don't buy Sigmund's thoughts on the prisoners - if he felt they deserved it then how would he even 'almost' forget? I didn't like the way the prisoners were introduced and felt the ending was a bit weak and sudden.

5. Saw the ending coming by the first line, but still liked the story. Well written.

6. How would gramps lift the boy without noticing him? Took a long time to get to the dead girl for such a short story (a problem a lot of these entries have). I don't understand why he kills himself? Because he killed a character he had created?

7. Doctor Who fanfic? I don't buy the Solarian's reaction to their discovery. I think they'd just choose not to believe, at least at first. Also, there would be no "battle" - why would the master race bother? And if they did, how would the Solarians fight them with primative weapons? The ending was a bit predictable - would have been stronger if left at implication it was Earth; no need to spell it out.

8. Dialogue needs some work here - very stilted. Horrible ending but in a good way. Definitely not predictable anyway! Very strange story, I'd assumed they were both dead/in heaven/hell.

9. Switch of POV at the end was very jarring. Not quite sure what the story was about

10. Slight issue with pacing near the end for me, but a beautiful, well written piece. I'm honestly shocked this hasn't received more votes - it gets mine!

11. Just didn't like this one, though nothing was particularly wrong with it. I'm not sure how he was inspired by the radio voice, or why?

12. Same as for 11. It was well written but just didn't "click" for me.

13. Interesting take on a well worn story, well written and interesting.

14. Well written, great ending. It could have done with more exposition time - not sure if I'd have "gotten" it without the description at the start, but still worth a vote.

coffee_cake

NUMBER 14

congrats #14! who are you?

Das Kitty

NUMBER 14

Congrats 14!

Mine was 9, delighted to be in joint second.

--Kaiser--

NUMBER 10

Congrats is right. #14 was in a different league to the rest of the entries (no offense to any of the other writers)

Antilles

NUMBER 11

Congratulations to the author of #14, and thanks to everyone who voted for mine.

I was #3. I'm happy that the problems people had with my story were things I'd noticed before I submitted. I rewrote that second part five times but couldn't get anywhere with it. Ah well, it was fun!

Das Kitty

NUMBER 14

Antilles wrote: »

Congratulations to the author of #14, and thanks to everyone who voted for mine.

I was #3. I'm happy that the problems people had with my story were things I'd noticed before I submitted. I rewrote that second part five times but couldn't get anywhere with it. Ah well, it was fun!

Yours is the only one where I guessed it was you. Dunno why. Haven't a notion of any of the others.

coffee_cake

NUMBER 14

thanks for my votes too, i'm 10 :pac:
written in a mad hurry as you can tell!

it was still fun though!

next time i'll put in a big scary monster twist at the end or something :pac:

--Kaiser--

NUMBER 10

Mine was #6, I appreciate all the criticism. The plot was a bit ridiculous and I can see why a lot of people couldn't get what was going on

Arlecchina

NUMBER 14

Congratulations, everyone! Mine was #14 and I'm totally chuffed to be in such excellent company. Thanks so much for the lovely comments — and the spot-on criticisms. I was nervous as hell about posting my writing online, but I'm glad I pushed through and finished the damn thing.

I did laugh at there being three WWII-related stories! I now know more about the 1940s than I'd ever have imagined.

Has anyone actually watched 'their' Twilight Zone episode yet? I'm tempted to have a massive marathon of all the referenced episodes.

Toasterspark

NUMBER 14

Congrats Arlecchina! It was a great story.

Mine was #4, which received good remarks on the descriptive content but poor marks on the depth of the plot. Which was fair! My main character, Dr Sigmund Rascher was a real person. If you check out his wikipedia page HERE you might see where I got the inspiration for the other characters. Truly shocking stuff, doing a little research for this VOAT really opened my eyes to the horrors of Dachau and the camps in general.

alchemist33

NUMBER 10

Arlecchina wrote: »

Congratulations, everyone! Mine was #14 and I'm totally chuffed to be in such excellent company. Thanks so much for the lovely comments — and the spot-on criticisms. I was nervous as hell about posting my writing online, but I'm glad I pushed through and finished the damn thing.

I did laugh at there being three WWII-related stories! I now know more about the 1940s than I'd ever have imagined.

Has anyone actually watched 'their' Twilight Zone episode yet? I'm tempted to have a massive marathon of all the referenced episodes.

I didn't watch it but I did check the synopsis online.

Congratulations Arlecchina; a great story and very well-written.

Mine was #13, the itty-bitty aliens, and I'm very happy to share 2nd place. Thank you to all who voted for it and those who commented, positive or negative. As correctly spotted by Kaiser, my problem was giving it more gravitas. All I could think of were pIsstakes, until I finally held it down and beat it into submission. And killed everyone.

Antilles

NUMBER 11

Arlecchina wrote: »

Has anyone actually watched 'their' Twilight Zone episode yet? I'm tempted to have a massive marathon of all the referenced episodes.

I googled mine and found this quote:

If "The Invaders" is the best episode of "The Twilight Zone," "A Piano in the House" is no doubt the worst. The dialouge is terrible. The acting is below par and the scenes of the people revealing their true feelings are just plain stupid. By the time the viewer gets to the very predictable ending of Fortune getting his comeuppance, all interest is lost. This is definitely an episode not worth your time.

I decided not to watch it. :eek:

coffee_cake

NUMBER 14

Antilles wrote: »

I googled mine and found this quote:



I decided not to watch it. :eek:

Pff, don't trust a review from someone who writes "dialouge" :pac:

I looked up the synopsis of mine but it didn't seem that interesting.

pickarooney

NUMBER 13

Congratulations Arlecchina!

Oryx

NUMBER 10

Mine was 11, the neo Nazi. The subject was very unsavory I'm not surprised it didn't appeal. Even researching it made me feel dirty. And pickarooney, I used Abe as Abraham Lincoln is a slang name given to neo Nazis in America.

Arlecchina

NUMBER 14

Antilles wrote: »

I googled mine and found this quote:

I decided not to watch it. :eek:

Ha. Brilliant. That makes me want to watch the episode all the more!

Toasterspark: I read the Wiki article on Rascher there, and now I almost wish I hadn't. Horrifying stuff. I was slightly traumatised by my WWII research, too.

pickarooney

NUMBER 13

Oryx wrote: »

Mine was 11, the neo Nazi. The subject was very unsavory I'm not surprised it didn't appeal. Even researching it made me feel dirty. And pickarooney, I used Abe as Abraham Lincoln is a slang name given to neo Nazis in America.

For some reason, I chose urbandictionary to look up that bit of trivia... I'm enlightened but not in the way I expected.

hcass

NUMBER 4

I was number 12. I was gutted i got a western setting. I love watching westerns but would never even attempt to write one before this. I also am not a sci-fi fan but I tried. Anyway all criticism was correct - the western language was supposed to be a bit tongue in cheek but I can totally understand why it grated on some.

I am happy though, if only for pickarooney's review of my piece! Made me smile from ear to ear for a day anyway!

Also Starring LeVar Burton

Unfortunately, I never got a chance to vote, because I've been crazy busy, but look forward to reading them as soon as I get a chance...

Mine was the godawful #7 - threw it together at the last minute. Never really came up with anything concept that I was happy with that fitted in with the synopsis I got... Thanks for the feedback though...

angelll

Mine was no.5,am beyond devastated that i didn't get to read agent weebleys criticism of it! It was flung together,i didn't even cop the plots were actual twilight zone episodes,off to read mine now. Thanks for the votes and of course the criticisms,they were all very fair Well done to Arlecchina.

Supermensch

Mine was number 2. Above all else, I'm glad that Gordon came across as I had intended him to. But seriously, I really appreciate the comments and advice. It was all constructive (and un-internet like). Anyway, congratulations to Arlecchina!

Agent Weebley

NUMBER 6

Congratulations, Arlecchina. Well done!

angelll wrote: »

(A woman is concerned over her parents' reliance on life-like robot servants.)
Mine was no.5,am beyond devastated that i didn't get to read agent weebleys criticism of it! It was flung together,i didn't even cop the plots were actual twilight zone episodes,off to read mine now. Thanks for the votes and of course the criticisms,they were all very fair Well done to Arlecchina.

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

(A playwright has the power to create whatever he describes on his recording machine.)
Mine was #6, I appreciate all the criticism. The plot was a bit ridiculous and I can see why a lot of people couldn't get what was going on

Supermensch wrote: »

(With a nuclear war about to begin, two men steal a spacecraft to take their families to a new planet.)
Mine was number 2. Above all else, I'm glad that Gordon came across as I had intended him to. But seriously, I really appreciate the comments and advice. It was all constructive (and un-internet like). Anyway, congratulations to Arlecchina!

Before I explain that Angelll should not be "beyond devastated," Kaiser should just create the immortal future he desires, and Supermensch should just revel in the stalemate he helped create with just a little re-wiring job, I would like to draw your attention to a snip of a comment by Toasterspark:

Toasterspark wrote: »

Story 5 . . . I kept thinking that the whole house of people would be bots! . . .

Hear, hear, Toasterspark!

Ever been pulled over? The "by the book" copper seems so Robo-Centric, right? General McPickleupthebum in Angelll's story responded to Katie's faja, in this data stream:

snip---
"Katies father stood up and said 'You leave her alone,she doesn't know,she's done nothing wrong'. 'Doesn't know'?,'how could she not know she's an abomination,filth,a threat against us all'! Spittle was now flying out of his mouth as his temper grew."
snip---

General McClownFace is a robot; he doesn't even know it! He follows orders blindly. Questions nothing. He is exterminating versions of himself!

We all meet up with people who seemed to have "switched off" in our daily meanderings. Our bodies have regulatory systems to keep functions within optimum levels . . . blood pressure, heart rate, move many muscles in feet automatically, feet too cold; cannot control it - alert consciousness to put on pink fuzzy rabbit slippers . . . When we need a dose of K, we unconsciously seek out a banana . . . haven't had one of those in a while . . . then we're OK. When we can do a job with our eyes closed, many people like it that way, so they can awaken after the bell rings and go home. When those people rise the next day, they shat, shower, shampoo, shave and shoeshine . . . many people like rituals in their life . . . so they don't have to think too much.

Don't have to think too much.

Don't . . . think.

Is General McDowner really a robot? Katie's parents, driven to achieve a goal, even if it jeopardises their own existence; is that a logical decision, or an emotional decision? Are they robots too? Is the Limbic System, the emotional ring around a logical core . . . the brain, with its mechanical regulatory multi-function sub-routines and sub-systems . . . add a heavy dose of emotions to cover it up . . . is this really a way to make the perfect robot seem . . . more human?

Easily programmed baby robots, programmed by previously programmed adult robots to do the programming for . . . who? Who's the chap who started this program, anyway? It's time for a programming change.

The Limbic System contains The Pineal Gland, which was much larger in earlier iterations of Humans. Why? Did we wish it to be smaller? It is not needed now, so it is wished away . . . maybe we could wish it away on an Underwood 5? What kind of story would help that gland along its path to nothingness? What kind of story would make it grow bigger?

The Pineal gland is the telepathic 42Gb BGN wireless peer to peer connection between minds. Connected minds each need a host body to live, experience, enjoy, learn . . . and share information with those minds that currently have no body . . . can only see through our eyes and enjoy our activities . . . remotely.

But what if these people can do more than just see remotely through us? What if they can remotely control what we do? How could they do it? They couldn't be using the Pineal gland as a telepathic antenna, as it is getting smaller due to lack of use. If we are unconscious of our Robotic existence, then they could play games with us, and we wouldn't even know it! If we became conscious, we could break the cycle.

See, Angelll . . . your writing spawned many thoughts in a specific robotic direction. Good job! Actually, to all 14 writers, I tip my new Trendy Trilby to you. Me? I can only speak the truth. I wish I could write a story to order like you 14 are able to do.

One question though . . . why did The Creative Writing Forum pretty well shut down for 7 days? When the Short Story deadline passed and the vote results were displayed, there was brief activity, but it diminished rapidely and was generally quite the flatliner . . . for 7 days! Is this normal here? Did anyone else notice?