Ive made a big mistake :(

DubLass

Im a very forgiving person and Ive made a big mistake in my relationship. Ive forgiven my boyfriend over and over again in what sometimes has been a disastrous relationship. Ive messed up this once and hes so angry it doesnt seem like he can forgive me. Ive apologised over and over and I cant do anymore. I regret so much what I have done.

Any advice?

Ellsbells

Did he apologise over and over when he cocked up? was your 'sin' as bad as his previous ones?

It's hard to reply op without more detail. Take some time out to think as this relationship doesn't sound very healthy

Piliger

Hi OP. We all make mistakes. And quite often real doozies..... but .... that is history now.

You are where you are. It may be a cliche, but it's true.

Forgiveness doesn't always come straight away. How long has it been ? Time often heals even the biggest mistakes.

What you need to be thinking is more about the big picture. Is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life ? Because people don't really change. And if there are kids on the horizon ..... well.

DubLass

Thanks

Im the other woman, the one his wife calls a slut because in her opinion he left her and the kids for me. His opinion is different. His relationship was long long over before he ever met me. He has two younger kids the rest are over 18. Its been a very turbulent relationship but I love him deeply. He has left me over and over again and gone back to the house, he says to be with the kids and I suppose I trust him on that one. He has broken my heart many times because of his behaviour but he always comes back asking for another chance. I recently said hello to one of his older daughters and she asked who I was and I told her. I genuinely thougth she knew me as my sons friends and her friends are all friends and I thought she had recognised me the last time I saw her too. Big mistake, the **** has hit the fan and now Im in this predicament.

Taltos

OP - you have NOTHING to apologise for here.
Clearly he has been playing games and you just saying hello causing problems is a joke.

Does he really have so little respect for you?
Great way to deflect blame here though - blame you and escape all of his own responsibilities.

If it were me - I would be getting angry with him now. Actually I think you should consider calling time on this guy - his gone / back again carrying on will only continue to eat into your own self confidence - look at you now - you feel you are in the wrong here - but from what you just wrote that is clearly not the case at all....

Ellsbells

OP was there time between him leaving his wife and moving in with you?

Maybe his wife is so angry about it because she didnt know the marriage was in trouble. It would not be unheard of married men, who are having affairs (if that was the case), not being entirely honest with either wife or mistress.

I think you need to take a step back here. Is this the kind of relationship you want? Do you want someone who cant make up his mind? Someone who flits between women and families? I can only imagine how stressful it is for you but you are enabling him to treat you like this. you sound like you have lost all self respect and esteem and no man (or woman) is ever worth this.

He is messing you all around and cocking up a lot of lives in the process. You need to pick yourself up, realise you are worth more than being the bit on the side of a man who can't make up his mind and just tell him to get lost. it may be hard now but then again what do you actually have - 1/2 or even 1/4 of a messed up relationship?

Oryx

DubLass wrote: »

Im a very forgiving person and Ive made a big mistake in my relationship.

The mistake is not yours, it is his. Clearly he has been keeping you a secret, but neglected to make sure you knew this. Really, this is his cock up.

Ive forgiven my boyfriend over and over again in what sometimes has been a disastrous relationship

Why?

Ive messed up this once and hes so angry it doesnt seem like he can forgive me.

To my mind, as I said above, you didnt mess up at all, but it does sound like you very much play by his rules. He is angry? You should be furious that he is flitting between you and his wife and tying everyone up in secrets and lies.

Ive apologised over and over and I cant do anymore. I regret so much what I have done.

Quit apologising. This whole situation is a mess, and it sounds like you need to talk like adults about what is going to happen now, rather than you wearing sackcloth and ashes over a mistake that is as much his fault as yours. He isnt innocent here.

Any advice?

Yes, but you wont take it. Get away from him for a bit, and clear your head. Decide if you want to be with such a controlling yet cowardly man, in such a dreadful situation.

DubLass

Ellsbells wrote: »

OP was there time between him leaving his wife and moving in with you?

Maybe his wife is so angry about it because she didnt know the marriage was in trouble. It would not be unheard of married men, who are having affairs (if that was the case), not being entirely honest with either wife or mistress.

I think you need to take a step back here. Is this the kind of relationship you want? Do you want someone who cant make up his mind? Someone who flits between women and families? I can only imagine how stressful it is for you but you are enabling him to treat you like this. you sound like you have lost all self respect and esteem and no man (or woman) is ever worth this.

He is messing you all around and cocking up a lot of lives in the process. You need to pick yourself up, realise you are worth more than being the bit on the side of a man who can't make up his mind and just tell him to get lost. it may be hard now but then again what do you actually have - 1/2 or even 1/4 of a messed up relationship?

We dont live together, but practically we may as well do. Yes I do feel I have suffered a lot, my confidence and self esteem have suffered as you say, but Im not quite ready to give up on him. He is messing everyone up and Ive explained this to him many times, hes not being fair to anyone, but he hasnt really got that until recently. Things have been a lot better, he has been communicating better and I suppose its because of this that Im so upset that Ive put a foot wrong this time. All along I suppose Ive been dealing with things and dealing with the flack now only to do something wrong myself. I do feel I have done something wrong as I suppose it really is his place to introduce me to his kids, not mine.

Taltos

DubLass wrote: »

We dont live together, but practically we may as well do. Yes I do feel I have suffered a lot, my confidence and self esteem have suffered as you say, but Im not quite ready to give up on him. He is messing everyone up and Ive explained this to him many times, hes not being fair to anyone, but he hasnt really got that until recently. Things have been a lot better, he has been communicating better and I suppose its because of this that Im so upset that Ive put a foot wrong this time. All along I suppose Ive been dealing with things and dealing with the flack now only to do something wrong myself. I do feel I have done something wrong as I suppose it really is his place to introduce me to his kids, not mine.

So were you meant to just blank her?
OP - stop making excuses - you have not done anything wrong. He has been caught out by his own cleverness here.

DubLass

Oryx wrote: »

The mistake is not yours, it is his. Clearly he has been keeping you a secret, but neglected to make sure you knew this. Really, this is his cock up. Why?

To my mind, as I said above, you didnt mess up at all, but it does sound like you very much play by his rules. He is angry? You should be furious that he is flitting between you and his wife and tying everyone up in secrets and lies.

Quit apologising. This whole situation is a mess, and it sounds like you need to talk like adults about what is going to happen now, rather than you wearing sackcloth and ashes over a mistake that is as much his fault as yours. He isnt innocent here.
Yes, but you wont take it. Get away from him for a bit, and clear your head. Decide if you want to be with such a controlling yet cowardly man, in such a dreadful situation.

I appreciate everything you say and yes you are right. I am a strong person and I seem to have been brought down quite a lot and I dont like whats happening to me. I am not going to say Im sorry again, I feel I have made a mistake however in a loving relationship its about how its dealt with and how we move on. He is different to most as in he needs a lot of time to think things through, sometimes taking weeks. This is what I find hard. I cant bare to have things hanging over me and I like to get things sorted, its just how I am. I do feel he is controlling but in the sense that if things are not right with me and him then things are just not right for me generally and it effects me and my own children which is very wrong, Im trying to control this as I dont like what it does to me.

Oryx

If you are a couple, then he needs to stand up and let that be seen. I dont think this has anything to do with official introductions to his children. It sounds more like he was hiding you from them so he could look saintly in their eyes, and you blew that apart on him. He is angry in the wrong direction though. You are not to blame for this situation. He is, but rather than accept that, its easier to rant at you.

DubLass

Taltos wrote: »

So were you meant to just blank her?
OP - stop making excuses - you have not done anything wrong. He has been caught out by his own cleverness here.

I think from seeing the situation in her shoes, Im the other woman, she has been told to hate me (I imagine so by her mother) so she really did not want me to approach her and say hello and then when she asked who I was to tell her. I really did think she knew me and I still do, even though he is saying she is now traumatised.

DubLass

Oryx wrote: »

If you are a couple, then he needs to stand up and let that be seen. I dont think this has anything to do with official introductions to his children. It sounds more like he was hiding you from them so he could look saintly in their eyes, and you blew that apart on him. He is angry in the wrong direction though. You are not to blame for this situation. He is, but rather than accept that, its easier to rant at you.

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense actually

SineadMarie

Why would you do this to yourself, its not a proper relationship if you ask me, hes stringing you along. Leave him for good and find someone else someone you dont have to share! Best of luck.

Oryx

DubLass wrote: »

I think from seeing the situation in her shoes, Im the other woman, she has been told to hate me (I imagine so by her mother) so she really did not want me to approach her and say hello and then when she asked who I was to tell her. I really did think she knew me and I still do, even though he is saying she is now traumatised.

He caused that trauma, not you, by not pre-empting that situation by talking to his children. Stop taking the blame here!

Ellsbells

SineadMarie wrote: »

Why would you do this to yourself, its not a proper relationship if you ask me, hes stringing you along. .

Yeah seriously - its bad enough that he is treating you and his wife like this (which you are both allowing) but now the kids are collateral damage. This is so unhealthy.

Jimbob 83

Wow seriously, it makes me laugh how some people get themselves in these situations.

Do you like drama or something ? Leave him as he is playing both of you for fools having his fun with you while playing the loving daddy at home. There is no shortage of nice guys out there with no baggage/drama who would treat you alot better.

Life is too short

DubLass

Its very difficult to walk away from someone you love. I imagine its much easier to walk from someone when the love has gone. Im just not ready yet but with each drama as correctly said, its chipping away at me.

Jimbob 83

Make a stand for yourself or live a life of regret.

The clock is ticking

DubLass

Jimbob 83 wrote: »

Make a stand for yourself or live a life of regret.

The clock is ticking

I know I should make a stand, I have tried to get on with my life each time he has blanked me and just when it seems I can breath again he reappears and I get weak. This is embarrassing to me, I know Im stronger than that, I know that I deserve better but I guess the times we are good make up for the bad times. Sadly there are a lot of bad times but things seemed like they were changing for the better recently.

Jimbob 83

He goes home when it suits him and one of daddies girls didn't even know who you are, doesn't sound like you are a very central part of his life tbh.

Also let me guess was he the one who compared you innocently telling his daughter of your connection with dad to him cheating/going home to the ex wife for the odd sniff ?

Start running and don't look back love

nowyouresix

DubLass: I'm sorry that you're hurt in this, but this man toxic. He has had his cake, and eaten it. He will treat you as poorly as you tolerate it. I understand how you love him and how you want him in your life, but really, do you need this drama, this pain, all the time, because it won't end here....
Please think of yourself. Don't apologise anymore to him.
Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

What exactly did you tell his daughter? Did you say "I'm your dad's girlfriend"... If it was something like that, then I can see why he'd be angry.

Even if he has 100% totally and absolutely left his wife, their relationship, or end of is between them. And it's up to them to discuss it with their children, and decide how much or how little information they are given.

Until you are introduced to his children, by him, then you hugely over stepped a line.

Like another poster said, do you like drama?

In saying that I also think that you are not in a good relationship... You always forgiving him, you needing him to forgive you.

It all sounds too much like hard work, to me.

Jimbob 83

In fairness the daughter was 18

Ellsbells

Jimbob 83 wrote: »

In fairness the daughter was 18

Doesn't matter - she is his child and didn't need to find out about his fathers mistress on the side of the street.

Jimbob 83

Maybe daddy should have been more straightforward then, and 18 is not a child in any way or form

DubLass

Ellsbells wrote: »

Doesn't matter - she is his child and didn't need to find out about his fathers mistress on the side of the street.

Girlfriend, he told them all last year he was going out with me

Ellsbells

DubLass wrote: »

Girlfriend, he told them all last year he was going out with me

Ok - sorry op didn't see that bit in your earlier posts.

It's still hard on his child.

DubLass

Ellsbells wrote: »

Ok - sorry op didn't see that bit in your earlier posts.

It's still hard on his child.

I know, thats why Im so upset at my bad judgement

Ellsbells

DubLass wrote: »

I know, thats why Im so upset at my bad judgement

Ah look, try not to beat yourself up. You didn't upset her intentionally and it can't be changed now anyway. The reality though is that he needs to sh1t or get off the pot and choose a 'side'. After all the messing I would not want him but if you still do then he needs to make a permanent move.

LittleBook

What a horribly, cruel man! He is dragging his ex, you, his children (both young and old) AND your own children through his maelstrom of selfish, bullshít. If he cared about anyone but himself, he'd walk away from the lot of you and leave you in peace.

Have a read back over your descriptions of your relationship and decide once and for all if anything good can possibly come of this.

DubLass wrote: »

Ive forgiven my boyfriend over and over again in what sometimes has been a disastrous relationship. Ive messed up this once and hes so angry

DubLass wrote: »

He has left me over and over again and gone back to the house, he says to be with the kids and I suppose I trust him on that one. He has broken my heart many times because of his behaviour but he always comes back asking for another chance.

DubLass wrote: »

I am a strong person and I seem to have been brought down quite a lot and I dont like whats happening to me.

DubLass wrote: »

I do feel I have suffered a lot, my confidence and self esteem have suffered as you say, but Im not quite ready to give up on him. He is messing everyone up and Ive explained this to him many times, hes not being fair to anyone

DubLass wrote: »

Im just not ready yet but with each drama as correctly said, its chipping away at me.

DubLass wrote: »

it effects me and my own children which is very wrong, Im trying to control this as I dont like what it does to me.

DubLass wrote: »

I know I should make a stand, I have tried to get on with my life each time he has blanked me and just when it seems I can breath again he reappears and I get weak. This is embarrassing to me, I know Im stronger than that, I know that I deserve better but I guess the times we are good make up for the bad times.

If you can't be strong for yourself, try being strong for your children. I can't imagine what this ridiculous, soap-opera drama is doing to them.

And regarding your "big mistake", I find it very difficult to believe that he told his children last year he was going out with you ... his daughter hangs around with your son ... and she didn't know who you are?! Seems clear to me he told them nothing last year.

Curry Addict

so you tripped up in his tangled web of crap. if he didnt have a tangled web of crap everywhere you wouldnt have tripped up in it.

it sounds like he doesnt deal with his problems and just discards them and allows them to fester. people like this dont develop very well, they tend to get caught up in the never ending fall out from their problems.

ash23

Sorry OP but seriously, stop being so meek and apologetic.
You are beating yourself up and coming across as a simpering fool for this man.
If he is with you then he has no place running back to his ex whenever he feels like it. How are you accepting that behaviour? It's disgraceful!

If he were with you 100% he would have not only told his children about you but you'd be working on having a relationship with them at this stage also. You wouldn't have to meeting them in the street and explaining who you are.

Correct me if I'm wrong but was this going on before he left his wife? You say it was long long over before he met you. It might have been over for him but did he convey this to his wife? Was he still living with her as man and wife when he started up with you? It's the only reason I can think of that you are harbouring all this guilt and this contrite attitude you seem to have.

DubLass

He was still living with her when he met me. They hadnt communicated in a very long time so I doubt they discussed their relationship with any great maturity. He left home pretty much as soon as me met me. They still cant talk and hes very poor at communicating, he hasnt been able to talk things through very well with me either, he just runs away and takes weeks to think things through. He is texting saying we should talk but didnt turn up last night for the cup of tea and chat that he had asked for. He text late and said he tried to but couldnt, he also said the sooner the better we talk. His hearts obviously not in it if hes saying one thing and doing another

Oryx

The chap doesn't know what he wants and he is wrecking your head in the process. Do both of you a favour and make the decision for him, and dont see him for a while.

Though I bet once you do, he will be in constant touch trying to get back with you.

DubLass

His running back and forward between both houses/families has messed up and put back any meetings with his kids, it was always in the future. Sure he only stopped talking to me there in May, didnt speak to me for nearly 4 weeks and all that time he was up in the house, although he says he wasnt sleeping there but he was there night noon and morning. Its really messing his kids up. I tried to explain to him when we got back together that each time he does that its like we are starting from day 1 again as no one knows what the heck is going on.

Oryx

So why are you putting up with it?

Big Bag of Chips

If he can't be a mature adult with his wife and discuss the relationship or lack of with her, why would you think he has discussed it with his children?

And if he keeps returning to her "for the sake of the kids" why would you think he told them about you? Surely if he is serious enough about you to have told his children, then he wouldn't keep returning to the house, and living with their mother if he wanted them to really believe the marriage is over.

By the fact that he continued (continues?) to go between the 2 of you makes me believe that he has never been honest.... With ANYONE. I'm just amazed that he has found not 1, but 2 women who are willing to allow him come and go between them as the mood takes him.

I wonder was there a tiny part of you that thought by making that connection with his daughter that you would force your relationship (with him) to become more solid? As in, if she met you it wouldn't be so easy for him to pretend he's not with you?

If your friend came to you with this story, continuing like a serial drama for the length of time that this has been going on.... What would your advice be?

DubLass

I dont know why I said hello, I thougth she knew me and it felt weird being there and both pretending we didnt know who the other was. I was in the same situation a few weeks ago but there were other people around and I told him later on, and said that had there not been anyone else around i may have said hello. He never commented and didnt say not to or to do so. I wish so much he had said something at the time as part of me took it that it would be ok. When I did say hello the other day he didnt react again. Until later on when he went to visit the kids and all hell broke loose, I imagine mostly by the ex. It was only then he was angry at me and said he cant believe what I had done as he never said I could do that.

Big Bag of Chips

And still you're hanging around, waiting for him to forgive you.....

I think it's time you got some self worth.... If your daughter came to you in 15/20 years time with a story like this about her relationship would you encourage her to continue to fight for her spot in his life?

I doubt it...

DubLass

Youre right, but its very hard when youre in the middle of it - its like I can see all of this but I cant help myself and Im not sure why

Oryx

DubLass wrote: »

Youre right, but its very hard when youre in the middle of it - its like I can see all of this but I cant help myself and Im not sure why

You can help yourself. You are choosing not to.

You just need to stop feeling like you are the one who owes him something here. You dont.

You also corrected someone who called you his mistress, saying you are his girlfriend. Nope, youre not. Because a girlfriend is public, acknowledged. You are hidden and argued about. Youre not quite anything, right now. Its time to decide what to do about that.

Big Bag of Chips

Walk away... For 6 months. If you're meant to be together he will fight for you. Make a promise to yourself to not contact him for 6 months. Tell him you are taking time to let him sort out whatever he needs to sort out with his family, without the extra complication of having you involved.

If he comes back next week promising it's all sorted and he's changed, tell him you are glad, but YOU are not sorted and you will contact him in 6 months if you feel ready.

If he loves you that much, he will respect your need for time... If he doesn't, he'll move back in with his wife (if he's not there already) and you'll have your answer.

You will be broken hearted in the short term, but this time next year you will be recovered.

OR

Continue as you are and be in exactly the same position this time next year... With your children watching you being made a fool of.

ash23

So do you actually want advice? Because it seems like you're resigned to staying with him?

I think his wife and kids see you as being the woman he left his family for. I think they have been messed around as much (if not more) than you have been with their husband/father coming and going.
I don't think for one second that when he returns home he doesn't end up back in bed with his wife.
He seems to have some sort of hold over the pair of you. The fact that you both keep letting him back after he leaves.....again.
He's having a great time. He gets to move back and forth between both of you at will, knowing that the other will be waiting for him.

It is going to take one of you to be the brave one, to have the balls to tell him to go take a flying leap.
If the best you can hope for is that she does it first so that he has no choice but to wind up with you......well, you don't think much of your own worth, do you?

His behaviour is disgraceful and you shouldnt' accept it. But you don't even seem angry with him. You're resigned to being treated like a plaything for his amusement.
Don't you want something real? A real relationship? A home with him? To be together?

You will forever be his mistress because it seems that his marriage is still ongoing. As long as you are his mistress his children will never want anything to do with you (sorry but it's true).
Have some respect for your own value.

Sadly though, I don't see you doing anything other than grovelling to him for forgiveness for daring to speak to his child. That is so sad and I'm not saying that to be horrid. It genuinely makes me sad that you think you deserve so little from a relationship as to accept this.

I can only suggest OP that you attend a counseller yourself as hopefully if you can work on your own self esteem you will in time see how wrong this whole "relationship" is.

DubLass

I guess ive been walking on egg shells for a long time, afraid to put a foot wrong, afraid to rock the boat and all the drama has been about him and Ive been dealing with that all along. I feel small and stupid because I overstepped the mark and have caused this problem now. He seems to be quite cold at times, actually hot and cold with me constantly and I dont get it. He is cold at the moment, saying he will put things right with his daughter now at ANY cost, he says he just doesnt care anymore what happens now. It seems callous and yes I know I made this mistake, loving relationships are about where you go from the mistake, I think Im looking for a kind word, something to tell me we will be ok and be able to get over this, hes dragging it out and it seems hes punishing me. I think its about more than my mistake, I think it seems to have brought up a lot of guilt for him now and his actions are of someone who is guilty. Yes he loves his family and his kids should come first and I truly hope his girl is ok and I am genuinely sorry or what I did, but where do I come in this? Why cant he say look, im angry, im going to sort this out with my girl, but I understand its a amistake and we will sort it out, its like hes punishing me and it feels like ive been kicked in the stomach

DubLass

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Walk away... For 6 months. If you're meant to be together he will fight for you. Make a promise to yourself to not contact him for 6 months. Tell him you are taking time to let him sort out whatever he needs to sort out with his family, without the extra complication of having you involved.

If he comes back next week promising it's all sorted and he's changed, tell him you are glad, but YOU are not sorted and you will contact him in 6 months if you feel ready.

If he loves you that much, he will respect your need for time... If he doesn't, he'll move back in with his wife (if he's not there already) and you'll have your answer.

You will be broken hearted in the short term, but this time next year you will be recovered.

OR

Continue as you are and be in exactly the same position this time next year... With your children watching you being made a fool of.

This is something we have tried before and it didnt work but Im partly to blame for that as I took him back. Its something I think would be very worthwhile and no I dont want to be in this situation this time next year, as I was in this situatiion this time last year and looking ahead I thougth it would be over and done with by then and we would be normal but we arent

Oryx

Dublass, youre simply not listening to anything you are being told here. You cant change him into the perfect boyfriend and you are the perfect doormat. Unless YOU change, your stuck with his controlling attitude and disgraceful behaviour.

Big Bag of Chips

.... Why can't he say you'll sort it out? Because he doesn't want to. At least not until the next time things get a bit awkward at home and he wants to move back to you for a while.... Until things get a bit awkward with you and he wants to move back home again... until things get awkward....... See the cycle?

I'm going to stop posting now because I am so annoyed on your behalf. You don't sound like you are taking much notice of advice being offered anyway, so there's nothing more to say.

I wish you well, and I just hope all the children involved learn how NOT to be in a relationship.

DubLass

Oryx wrote: »

Dublass, youre simply not listening to anything you are being told here. You cant change him into the perfect boyfriend and you are the perfect doormat. Unless YOU change, your stuck with his controlling attitude and disgraceful behaviour.

I am listening, the reason I put it on here was to get independent advise. My family and friends are too close to see the bigger picture but I knew strangers would tell it as it is. It hurts to read it, it really does. Im already a very wounded person walking around and its no way to live. No i dont want my kids to think Im a fool, yes it does look like Im a mistress, it seems Ive been mislead, Im afraid to walk away in some ways cos it looks like Ive failed at this

daisybelle2008

DubLass wrote: »

Youre right, but its very hard when youre in the middle of it - its like I can see all of this but I cant help myself and Im not sure why

This is kind of the crux of the matter. This thread is turning into a blog of your martyrdom and misery. No amount of discussing your sh*tty relationship with your half interested married boyfriend and all the self created drama is going to make it into a fairytale, so I will avoid mention of the situation as it is pointless.
The problem is that you don't like yourself enough to want a better standard for yourself. Try to find a little more love for yourself and your children that you would not want to expose your self to this nonsense.
People often recommend a good book here called 'women who love too much', it is a good start. Also try to find some other interests,hobbies, and healthy people to entertain yourself with. You won't have nearly as much time for chasing after men that treat you badly and are only half interested in you.

ash23

OP, you do realise that his daughter is not upset and angry because you spoke to her? You do realise that she is upset and angry because her dad has been bed hopping between you and her mother?

She probably sees how happy the mother and the small kids are when he comes home. And how unhappy they are when he leaves them again.
How unbelievably cruel of this man to mess his children around in that way. Those kids will have such ongoing issues because of what he is doing to them. And you and their mother are aiding that.
They love their mother so you will be the scapegoat.
You are also setting an absolutely terrible example for your own kids who will learn about relationships from you. You are setting your sons up to believe that it's ok to abandon their family over and over. You are teaching your daughters to accept crumbs of affection from a man.