Is he being unreasonable or just honest?

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my boyfriend for over five years and it’s going very well. I’m in my late 20s and I am thinking that we are in a position for a bit more commitment. A lot of my friends are getting engaged lately and I would like us to be heading towards that goal too. We have discussed our future several times but marriage discussions have always been hypothetically or ‘in the future’. I decided this week to come out and ask him straight if we were heading towards marriage soon and he said that the thing stopping him from making that commitment was that I had not lost some weight that I had put on due to illness two years ago and that I would need to lose this weight and take up a fitness regime to keep it off before he would consider making that kind of commitment. I was really hurt by this and I don’t really know where this leaves me. I know myself that I need to lose about a stone to get back to my former shape as I am much happier and more confident at that so it is something that I hope to do for myself anyway but I resent the implication that I’m not good enough to marry without losing the weight.

Is he being unreasonable or just honest?

Esoteric_

To be perfectly honest, I don't think he's being unreasonable.

I totally understand why it hurts and why you feel the way you do, but you have to look at it from his point of view - he fell in love with someone a stone lighter than the person you are now. It's very possible that he just isn't as attracted to you because of your current shape, and unless he is 100% attracted to you, he shouldn't be marrying you.

I think he was just being honest. He should have told you sooner, instead of waiting for you to ask what was wrong, but I can understand where he's coming from to be honest.

Elmidena

Tell him to take a running jump. What he's basically saying is he doesn't want wedding pics with someone who he can't show off to his mates. Well eff him, it sounds like a copout and reminds me a bit of the "soldier soldier won't you marry me" rhyme where a woman is strung along doing all sorts of things for him in vain.

strandroad

So he is happy to be with you when you're somewhat chubbier, have sex etc. but it would be a deal breaker when it comes to marriage?

By agreeing to this you will give him permission to leave you when you age, wrinkle, when pregnancy changes your tummy or boobs.

If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself and not to fit someone's mould which may change tomorrow. If he wanted you to get implants would you consider it too?

so what happens when you're married??

if 5 years down the road you are a few stone heavier than you are now (maybe after babies etc) is he going to leave you?

seriously OP i could understand if you were obese and he was worried about your health but you say you are only a stone or so overweight.
this just seems like vanity on his part.
he should be supportive of you, not putting you down.

he loves you or he doesnt.

ihsb

He is happy to stay with you slightly (as 1 stone seems to be) over weight but he will not marry you that way? And a fitness regime? Does this mean he is implying that he will leave you if you put on weight after childbirth or something?

Do you still have the illness that made you put on weight? If so this is completely awful of him.

mimsy

edfwhbkuhglbr wrote: »

I have been going out with my boyfriend for over five years and it’s going very well. I’m in my late 20s and I am thinking that we are in a position for a bit more commitment. A lot of my friends are getting engaged lately and I would like us to be heading towards that goal too. We have discussed our future several times but marriage discussions have always been hypothetically or ‘in the future’. I decided this week to come out and ask him straight if we were heading towards marriage soon and he said that the thing stopping him from making that commitment was that I had not lost some weight that I had put on due to illness two years ago and that I would need to lose this weight and take up a fitness regime to keep it off before he would consider making that kind of commitment. I was really hurt by this and I don’t really know where this leaves me. I know myself that I need to lose about a stone to get back to my former shape as I am much happier and more confident at that so it is something that I hope to do for myself anyway but I resent the implication that I’m not good enough to marry without losing the weight.

Is he being unreasonable or just honest?

He is very very shallow! What is going to happen when he's taking his vows? In sickness and in health? Good times and bad? Currently you're good enough to sleep with and live with but not marry.

It's one thing telling you to loose weight because he is worried about your health or thinks you're happier when you're thinner, but another thing entirely to base your future as a couple on your losing this 14lbs and keeping it off.

He is also very selfish if you ask me.

nowyouresix

OP: he's only buying time.
How long til you lose a stone?? 2 months?? Then it'll be because your hair isn't long enough..... Let that grow...another 2 months....see where I'm going... he's just stalling. I think, and I don't want to sound harsh here, that if he were going to ask you to marry him, he'd have done so already.

Best of luck.

fungun

sounds a bit vain to me. Did you reply saying 'Well what about when you start losing your hair? Im not going to marry you if you have started to lose your hair!'

2rkehij30qtza5

This post could have been written by a friend of mine back when we were in our late 20's!
My friend, let's call her Sarah, was getting a tad impatient as her boyf hadn't proposed and all the rest of us were engaged/married.
So she started asking him why and when it would happen (totally fine, normal conversation that we all had with our significant others!) and his reply was "when you lose weight!!!".
So Sarah lost weight and 6 months later she had the conversation again and voila they became engaged.
Fast forward two years later and they had a baby. Sarah put on a good bit of weight while pregnant, as one does, and found it hard to shift after the baby was born.
Her husband told her that he wasn't attracted to her anymore. A month later he said he didn't think he loved her anymore as her body was just turning him off her. He told her she would have to make a big effort and sign up to Weight Watchers for him to become interested in her again.
So she did and lost a bit of weight but couldn't shift the rest.
They have a sh*t marriage now. She has told me this. He tells her she is fat on a regular basis and constantly compares her to other women who have had babies and "aren't fat".
I'm telling you this story because Sarah could have written your original post back when we were in our late twenties.
If he doesn't love you enough now with a little extra 'padding' to propose to you and that's the reason he is not willing to committ...then what hope have you got in the future when you have had a child or two. Are you going to choose the life that my friend Sarah has?

Piliger

Hi OP. I don't think he is actually being unreasonable per se. But I also don't think that is the issue. The real issue is how YOU see it.
He is clearly laying down a marker here. He is saying that he loves you BUT he is not prepared to be married to you unless you comply with his requirement for you to be the girl he started going out with.
I sympathise with him in a way .... but on the other hand this is real life! He has to start growing up and realising that this is fine with a passing GF when you can justify to yourself dropping a girl who changes significantly. But marriage is not the same ! it's about the person, not the body. I think he needs to grow up.

LegacyUser

Zara Scary Swine wrote: »

Sarah put on a good bit of weight while pregnant, as one does, and found it hard to shift after the baby was born.
Her husband told her that he wasn't attracted to her anymore. A month later he said he didn't think he loved her anymore as her body was just turning him off her. He told her she would have to make a big effort and sign up to Weight Watchers for him to become interested in her again.
So she did and lost a bit of weight but couldn't shift the rest.
They have a sh*t marriage now

You only need to eat an extra 300 calories a day when you're pregnant. Countless women don't put on a huge amount of excess weight when they're pregnant. Those that do, work it off with diet and exercise. Sarahs' husband would probably be very willing to mind the baby allow her time to go to exercise classes ect, clearly she couldn't be bothered.
Marriage doesn't give you carte blanche to let yourself go, if you don't love& respect yourself first, how the hell can you expect anyone else to. Happy mum= happy household.

Lorna123

OP if you have been talking about losing weight for a while and not actually doing it then maybe, just maybe, he is saying this to spur you on thinking that it might give you an incentive, but not really meaning it. I actually think it is a bit insensitive of him though and if this is not the reason he has said this then I would be a bit put off by him. It is not like you are obese. I would not be losing weight for anyone else except myself. If it were me I would be telling him that if he doesn't like me being overweight then it is best for us to split up until I lose the weight and see what he says to that.

username123

Tell him to take a good long look round the world.

There are NO women who look like they looked in their early 20s - unless they ARE in their early 20s!

People gain weight, lose weight, get wrinkles, have illnesses, get scars, get bunions, get warts, lose hair, get yellow toenails, their teeth age, hair thins and gets drier, etc, etc, etc....

The point is, its part of the human condition to age and for the body to change. If this guy is so shallow to say that you losing a stone is the deal cincher for him for marriage, then I can tell you - it wont be a happy marriage. You dont marry a body, you marry a person.

Will he leave you for a younger tighter model in 10, 20, 30 years time?

Gyalist

edfwhbkuhglbr wrote: »

I decided this week to come out and ask him straight if we were heading towards marriage soon and he said that the thing stopping him from making that commitment was that I had not lost some weight that I had put on due to illness two years ago and that I would need to lose this weight and take up a fitness regime to keep it off before he would consider making that kind of commitment.

Is he being unreasonable or just honest?

He's being both disingenuous and dishonest.

I noticed that he only voiced his concern about your weight when you broached the topic of engagement/marriage yet he's said nothing in the past two years and allowed you to feel that everything was fine.

It's not even just about losing the weight.He's specified that you have to take up a fitness regime and keep the weight off for an unspecified time before he can commit. That seems to me to be an attempt to stall indefinitely!

Even if you lose all the weight, how can you be confident that he won't find another reason why he can't commit to you?

LegacyUser

OP i can understand (and i'm not being cruel) how he would find you less attractive after gaining weight as that wasn't the woman he fell in love with blah blah etc. but the bit that smells of bs is the fact that he was happy to stay with you for 2 years after you gained the weight, but it only suddenly becomes a deal breaker when the marriage word is raised. Honestly it sounds as if he's just using it as an excuse and has no intention of ever marrying you. Sorry but I'd cut my loses if I was you tbh.

LegacyUser

Maybe he's being a shallow pig, maybe he's being cruel, maybe he's stalling. But if I were OP, I'd be calling his bluff asap& losing that stone....she won't know for sure until she does.
At least then she'll have no regrets, "what if". (plus there's the added bonus of her feeling great in herself again, even if they do end up parting ways)

mimsy

atype wrote: »

Maybe he's being a shallow pig, maybe he's being cruel, maybe he's stalling. But if I were OP, I'd be calling his bluff asap& losing that stone....she won't know for sure until she does.
At least then she'll have no regrets, "what if". (plus there's the added bonus of her feeling great in herself again, even if they do end up parting ways)

Until he announces the next thing he feels should be corrected.

Op - Do you really think he's the kind of guy who would stick with you if his back was against the wall?
say you had 2 xchildren and discovered you were diagnosed with MS, or had a stroke, and you weren't even 40?
What do you think he'd do?
Stick around? Help YOU ?

a fat guy

I doubt that you being heavier would actually deter someone who loves you from marrying you.

He's probably just trying to delay it and is an idiot for giving you an excuse like that.

Why don't you tell him that he hurt you by saying that, and you think it's not the real reason why he doesn't want to get married?

Oryx

The thing that stood out in your post op, is what others here have also seen. This guy is not that fussed about your weight, he hasnt mentioned it before. But he is fussed about getting married, as in he doesnt want to, so he pulls up the weight issue as a means to put it off, and making the lack of an engagement ring your problem. (as you havent lost weight). Thats a pretty mean trick to play, throwing it back into your lap like that.

The condition he has set down, that you regain your slim figure, will be something that wont go away. It will always be there once you comply this time, and will give him an excuse for reluctance or lack of affection forevermore. By agreeing to this condition, you are saying to him 'ok, your love is dependant on how I look'. Do you really want that?

Scanlas The 2nd

edfwhbkuhglbr wrote: »

I have been going out with my boyfriend for over five years and it’s going very well. I’m in my late 20s and I am thinking that we are in a position for a bit more commitment. A lot of my friends are getting engaged lately and I would like us to be heading towards that goal too. We have discussed our future several times but marriage discussions have always been hypothetically or ‘in the future’. I decided this week to come out and ask him straight if we were heading towards marriage soon and he said that the thing stopping him from making that commitment was that I had not lost some weight that I had put on due to illness two years ago and that I would need to lose this weight and take up a fitness regime to keep it off before he would consider making that kind of commitment. I was really hurt by this and I don’t really know where this leaves me. I know myself that I need to lose about a stone to get back to my former shape as I am much happier and more confident at that so it is something that I hope to do for myself anyway but I resent the implication that I’m not good enough to marry without losing the weight.

Is he being unreasonable or just honest?

While its not a nice thing to hear it could be a sign of integrity, or not. Marriage is a huge commitment, he is agreeing to have sex with only you for the rest of his life, he needs to to know that if he is ruling out every other woman on the planet that he is at least physically attracted to the one woman he can have sex with

LegacyUser

This is a difficult one alright and I can understand many of the replies along the lines of he is a swine etc.

I was that swine a few years ago. I met a girl who I fell madly in love with etc. After about six months, once I guess the relationship had become stable, she gradually began to 'let herself go' if you will. Not shaving legs, putting on weight etc, no longer taking part in any classes or activities that she did at the start. After nearly three years or so, it was clear to me that the person I had met was really a front. I am a very active person, very sporty etc and take care of myself. I wouldn't break up with someone because of a stone, or two stone. For me it was more of a lifestyle thing. I just couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone who, I saw, as being a lazy person. She had mentioned to me a few times too, very matter of factly, that she would be huge once she'd had kids etc.. She almost saw it as an excuse to just completely pig out I think. I guess I always knew these things but let things go on. It was only when she pushed me on marriage etc that I realised all of this and ended it. I felt horrible about it, and shallow and lots of the words used here to describe your boyfriend. For me though, it was nothing to do with a wedding dress, or photos to show friends or that. It was just, coming in from work, watching someone eating biscuits, going to the gym, coming home and they are still eating biscuits, then eating larger dinners than me (I'm a pretty big lad and very active so I eat a lot).

Sorry for the rant. I guess its just another perspective on things. It was my fault for letting it go on so long and people here are saying he is using you, happy to have sex with you but not marry you. When I was there, it was more like, god, I love this person, how can I possibly broach this subject with them without really really upsetting them, and I dont want to upset them....

Bride2012

It's a tough one, I can see where he's coming from especially if a lot of women he knew put on a lot of weight after marriage or children, he could be thinking if she can't lose it now in two years without children to distract her or the security of marriage to let go then what would she turn into in ten years. Also I agree that seeming to give into this may spark future balance of power issues.

OP only you and him know if his motives are driven by vanity or legitimate concern.

Lorna123

shallowperson wrote: »

This is a difficult one alright and I can understand many of the replies along the lines of he is a swine etc.

I was that swine a few years ago. I met a girl who I fell madly in love with etc. After about six months, once I guess the relationship had become stable, she gradually began to 'let herself go' if you will. Not shaving legs, putting on weight etc, no longer taking part in any classes or activities that she did at the start. After nearly three years or so, it was clear to me that the person I had met was really a front. I am a very active person, very sporty etc and take care of myself. I wouldn't break up with someone because of a stone, or two stone. For me it was more of a lifestyle thing. I just couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone who, I saw, as being a lazy person. She had mentioned to me a few times too, very matter of factly, that she would be huge once she'd had kids etc.. She almost saw it as an excuse to just completely pig out I think. I guess I always knew these things but let things go on. It was only when she pushed me on marriage etc that I realised all of this and ended it. I felt horrible about it, and shallow and lots of the words used here to describe your boyfriend. For me though, it was nothing to do with a wedding dress, or photos to show friends or that. It was just, coming in from work, watching someone eating biscuits, going to the gym, coming home and they are still eating biscuits, then eating larger dinners than me (I'm a pretty big lad and very active so I eat a lot).

Sorry for the rant. I guess its just another perspective on things. It was my fault for letting it go on so long and people here are saying he is using you, happy to have sex with you but not marry you. When I was there, it was more like, god, I love this person, how can I possibly broach this subject with them without really really upsetting them, and I dont want to upset them....

Gosh, thanks for that shallowperson, it has certainly been a wake up call to me to think that a man would be put off marrying me if I was putting on weight. It just goes to show how important it is not to let yourself go. I was of the opinion that once a man loved me he would always love me but not quite so now it seems. Going to WW first thing on Monday morning.
(this is not me making light of this, I am deadly serious).

strandroad

Lorna123 wrote: »

Gosh, thanks for that shallowperson, it has certainly been a wake up call to me to think that a man would be put off marrying me if I was putting on weight. It just goes to show how important it is not to let yourself go. I was of the opinion that once a man loved me he would always love me but not quite so now it seems. Going to WW first thing on Monday morning.
(this is not me making light of this, I am deadly serious).

Well I don't think it's the best life strategy to allow others to dictate to us what we need to do with our looks for them to love us. Also, the situation you refer to (very unhealthy lifestyle, constant overeating with no plans to change it and plans to gain even more) is very different to the OP's "vanity" stone which she intends to lose anyway.

What's the problem if she wants to lose it anyway, you may ask. The problem is that she would allow him to offer and withdraw his commitment at a whim based on a minor appearance issue. What is his next "requirement" is to get rid of wrinkles or sagging neck, or if he states he actually prefers taller women? What is she falls ill and it affects her looks? By this logic he's free to go.

Lorna123

mhge wrote: »

Well I don't think it's the best life strategy to allow others to dictate to us what we need to do with our looks for them to love us. Also, the situation you refer to (very unhealthy lifestyle, constant overeating with no plans to change it and plans to gain even more) is very different to the OP's "vanity" stone which she intends to lose anyway.

What's the problem if she wants to lose it anyway, you may ask. The problem is that she would allow him to offer and withdraw his commitment at a whim based on a minor appearance issue. What is his next "requirement" is to get rid of wrinkles or sagging neck, or if he states he actually prefers taller women? What is she falls ill and it affects her looks? By this logic he's free to go.

Some problems can be fixed but others cannot and this might make a difference to how a person looks at it, e.g. weight gained can be lost but age cannot be avoided, smaller women cannot become taller, and falling ill is a different kettle of fish. I think what is probably more annoying is when someone can do something about it but isn't doing it.

strandroad

Lorna123 wrote: »

Some problems can be fixed but others cannot and this might make a difference to how a person looks at it, e.g. weight gained can be lost but age cannot be avoided, smaller women cannot become taller, and falling ill is a different kettle of fish. I think what is probably more annoying is when someone can do something about it but isn't doing it.

A lot of age related problems can be fixed with plastic surgery and other invasive procedures. A person who makes their commitment conditional on their appearance preferences would feel that it's their right to leave an aging partner if they "don't do anything about it".

I am all for being fit, slim and attractive but if my partner told me I have to "deserve" a proposal by losing a stone... can't see it ending well.

Lorna123

mhge wrote: »

A lot of age related problems can be fixed with plastic surgery and other invasive procedures. A person who makes their commitment conditional on their appearance preferences would feel that it's their right to leave an aging partner if they "don't do anything about it".

I am all for being fit, slim and attractive but if my partner told me I have to "deserve" a proposal by losing a stone... can't see it ending well.

The thing with ageing problems is that if she was ageing he would be ageing too, so don't think he could leave her for not doing something about that unless he was prepared to go under the knife himself.

strandroad

Lorna123 wrote: »

The thing with ageing problems is that if she was ageing he would be ageing too, so don't think he could leave her for not doing something about that unless he was prepared to go under the knife himself.

That's true! However, I don't think these opinions and requirements are necessarily fair, as in applied to both sides equally. I've met people who are quite critical of their partner's appearance or style while being no oil paintings themselves; and the standards of youthful/slim/groomed appearance seem to be higher for women. Makes you wonder if OP's partner is such Mr Perfect himself.

Taltos

Suggest the discussion is taken elsewhere and posters instead focus on the question from the OP.

Thanks
Taltos

CathyMoran

OP I do feel that he is stalling and that he really does not want to marry you. By all means change if you want to but do not do it for him, you could loose some weight an easy way by getting rid of him.

My husband married me when I was really ill and it did not look like I would survive much past the wedding yet alone have children with him - that is what real men do, they love you no matter what.

Magicmatilda

Hi OP

This really is a difficult one. If he is feeling less attracted to you because you have put on weight that is indeed understandable. But the fact that he has only mentioned this since you asked about marraige is strange. It sounds like an excuse to me. How is the relationship other than this, do you feel loved, respected, desired? Is he someone who is driven by image, the car, the house, the woman? Did you ask him what his problem was with the extra weight , as in is it a health thing? Or an attraction thing? A confidence thing? Or what?

I am of the opinion that all love (except parental) is conditional. However for it to be conditional upon a stone in weight would be a problem for me. That's if it is a stone or is it more and you are underestimating somewhat?

My advice to you would be to lose the weight that YOU want to lose anyway. You want to lose it so lose it. Get out and about amd try and build up your self esteem and confidence. As for him. Does your gut instinct tell you to stay or go? Whatever the answer is what you should do.

Chucky the tree

CathyMoran wrote: »

OP I do feel that he is stalling and that he really does not want to marry you. By all means change if you want to but do not do it for him, you could loose some weight an easy way by getting rid of him.

My husband married me when I was really ill and it did not look like I would survive much past the wedding yet alone have children with him - that is what real men do, they love you no matter what.

That's a load of BS tbh. I think plenty of people would stop loving their OH if their OH decided never to wash again for example.

whatdoicare

OP, tell your OH to take a running jump. He's clearly stalling for time and the excuse that it's because you're overweight is degrading and controlling.

I'm married, I put on weight after an illness about two years after we met and he still proposed and married me, it was never an issue - he loves me and wanted me to be his wife, he is still attracted to me - his dream in life is to win the lotto so he can afford to have me walk around naked all day waiting for him to come home for sexy time (He told me this once :P )

He loves me to bits and tells me so every chance he gets - he didn't put on much weight in the ten years we've known each other but he has changed in alot of ways physically - that's how bodies work, they change over time - and I am still attracted to him and madly in love with him.

When he is 70 and his balls are hanging around his knees, hair is growing out his nose and ears and he's lost all his teeth, I'll still be giving him the come to bed eyes and I'm sure he'll still be saying "yes, please!" even when I need to hoist the boobies over my shoulder and hop on the stair master to get up the stairs.

Noone can live like that - always worrying that you'll be judged or unloved if you can't maintain a standard. That's not realistic at all. I'd suggest you have a good think about if he's actually a keeper or if you should cut your losses and find someone who'll love you for who you are. Don't be worrying about what everyone else is doing - do what is right for you.


All the best for the future.

LegacyUser

OP back. Thank you for all of the replies, great points made on both sides.

I put on weight during the treatment of an illness but it is not an issue now so I don’t really have an excuse other than procrastination for not doing something to lose it.

I spoke to him again and he said that he is worried that if I don’t lose it now that it will be much harder for me to lose it in the future. He says that he is worried about my fitness later on and that the aesthetics are secondary to me being happy with myself which I’m not now.

I suppose it is worth mentioning that my mother is quite large, BMI of about 38 even though she is constantly trying to lose weight. I suppose this worries me because if I have a tough time keeping a healthy weight in the future and he is concerned about an extra stone now, he could go completely off me in the future. Also it may be the reason why he is concerned in the first place.

barbiegirl

OP think about what a marriage is. It's about being committed to that person, come hell or high water for life. It is about being in love with someone that doesn't come with conditions. Yes no-one wants to be over weight and if he were expressing concerns re health, that would be one thing. But the no marriage til you lose weight is a form of bullying and control. Kick him to the kerb.
I am married 4 years, in that time I've suddenly lost my much loved dad, miscarried 3 very longed for children, just found out IVF is our only choice, put on some weight (not massive amounts but some) and am currently working a job I dislike because it helps pay the bills. In all that time my hubbie has been my rock, and this morning the first thing he did when he woke up was to kiss me and tell me he loved me. We said our vows without preconditions and if he can't do that he is not the right man for you.
Getting married is not about what your friends are doing, it is about what is right for you, and I would think that this man is not the right man for you. You deserve to be loved 100% for who you are and to know that should the worst happen like a disfiguring accident, an illness etc. that you can count on your other half for love and support. It is always better to wait for the right person than to settle for someone because it is all you know, or a habit, or you think you must. This is your life, you will on current figures have another 60 years, so you really want to spend them with this guy??

Walls

lkjljlk wrote: »

You only need to eat an extra 300 calories a day when you're pregnant. Countless women don't put on a huge amount of excess weight when they're pregnant. Those that do, work it off with diet and exercise. Sarahs' husband would probably be very willing to mind the baby allow her time to go to exercise classes ect, clearly she couldn't be bothered.
Marriage doesn't give you carte blanche to let yourself go, if you don't love& respect yourself first, how the hell can you expect anyone else to. Happy mum= happy household.

Utter and complete nonsense; how do you know what her husband would or wouldn't do? There is no justification for what is verbal abuse.

Ellsbells

Op I don't buy it... Why is this of concern to him now but yet he hasn't mentioned it in two years before now?

Tbh I would tell him to sod off. How dare he put conditions on his committment? If your friends bf was treating her like this, what would you think?

LegacyUser

edfwhbkuhglbr wrote: »

OP back. Thank you for all of the replies, great points made on both sides.

I put on weight during the treatment of an illness but it is not an issue now so I don’t really have an excuse other than procrastination for not doing something to lose it.
I spoke to him again and he said that he is worried that if I don’t lose it now that it will be much harder for me to lose it in the future. He says that he is worried about my fitness later on and that the aesthetics are secondary to me being happy with myself which I’m not now.
I suppose it is worth mentioning that my mother is quite large, BMI of about 38 even though she is constantly trying to lose weight. I suppose this worries me because if I have a tough time keeping a healthy weight in the future and he is concerned about an extra stone now, he could go completely off me in the future. Also it may be the reason why he is concerned in the first place.

Everyone seems to have bypassed this post by OP, funnily enough....her mother is morbidly obese, putting her at a- completely self inflicted- increased risk of Type2 diabetes, heart attacks, osteoarthritis, death, bla bla bla.
So the bfs' reaction to OPs 1 stone in weight gain is founded in a genuinely legitimate fear that history is starting to repeat itself.
And why should he be forced to commit to someone who is going to be digging their grave with their own teeth?

leahyl

CathyMoran wrote: »

OP I do feel that he is stalling and that he really does not want to marry you. By all means change if you want to but do not do it for him, you could loose some weight an easy way by getting rid of him.

My husband married me when I was really ill and it did not look like I would survive much past the wedding yet alone have children with him - that is what real men do, they love you no matter what.

Totally agree - this guy is definitely stalling. So he's happy to be with you OP when you have the extra weight and ye're NOT married but if ye WERE married then he couldn't accept it?! Give me a break!! There's more to this than your weight I reckon - he's not the marriage type. I would say sort this out soon so that you're not wasting your time - if you want to get married and he doesn't, what's the point of being together? And I really think he doesn't want to get married - ever.

Ellsbells

ljkllkl wrote: »

the bfs' reaction to OPs 1 stone in weight gain is founded in a genuinely legitimate fear that history is starting to repeat itself.
And why should he be forced to commit to someone who is going to be digging their grave with their own teeth?

If he is that worried why has he not mentioned it before now?

LegacyUser

Ellsbells wrote: »

If he is that worried why has he not mentioned it before now?

Because they're now discussing marriage. Before, they were just boyfriend and girlfriend.
He may very well equate marriage with a lifelong commitment (most people do), and kids(most people do), whereas their current relationship status is a bit more relaxed.
It's not unrealistic for him to want his future wife to be healthy& happy.....whilst a stone isn't a lot of weight for most people, in the context of OPs family history(again, newsflash, OPs' mum has a BMI of 38), for all he knows, this stone could be the start of a slippery slope.

durano

OP unconditional love doesn't really exist except from parents to their kids.
Within a relationship both are obliged to maintain their appearance and personalities within certain parameters that are close to when they first became attracted to each other,if they don't then this is what happens.
For example,if his father was an alcoholic and your bf started drinking consistently w'out trying to do anything about it how would you feel?

For some reason girls always go bat**** crazy when weight is mentioned,I'm not sure that this is fair on guys,it's like girls aren't obliged to look after themselves in this fashion.Is there an issue that is similarly untouchable for guys?I can't think of one.
Sounds to me like he is worried that you may turn out to be like your mother(god that sounds not nice but it's a valid concern no?)and perhaps your personality will change as well if you become unhappy with yourself,leaving him with a very different person to that he married.

It's easy to lose weight it's just that most people I've ever discussed this with simply don't know how and go about it the wrong way with diets etc...just eat less carbs and sugary things and excercise a bit more,it's pretty much that simple.

SineadMarie

LyndaMcL wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, I don't think he's being unreasonable.

I totally understand why it hurts and why you feel the way you do, but you have to look at it from his point of view - he fell in love with someone a stone lighter than the person you are now. It's very possible that he just isn't as attracted to you because of your current shape, and unless he is 100% attracted to you, he shouldn't be marrying you.

I think he was just being honest. He should have told you sooner, instead of waiting for you to ask what was wrong, but I can understand where he's coming from to be honest.

Seriously...???

Shouldn't matter if your a stone heavier or 50 stone heavier he should love you for you!! Your still the same person and as you said yourself your happier and more comfortable the way you are don't let anyone change you!

Sleepy

SineadMarie wrote: »

Seriously...???

Shouldn't matter if your a stone heavier or 50 stone heavier he should love you for you!! Your still the same person and as you said yourself your happier and more comfortable the way you are don't let anyone change you!

A person that's 10 stone heavier than they used to be (never mind 50)is not the same person: they're a disgusting sloth.

"You" is defined by your actions, not some imaginary lovely person underneath all the layers of blubber. Only a tiny minority of fetishists find obese people sexually attractive and sexual attraction is a vital part of a monogamous relationship: without it you're just flatmates.

Taltos

OK guys - let's calm it down a bit. We need to accept that some of us have no issue if our partner is 50 stone whereas others of us might in fact be disgusted by the fact.

Either way - let's stay on point here and try to help the OP.

Thanks
Taltos

Piliger

I believe what matters here is how the two parties communicate how they feel when a relationship starts and develops.

There is no doubt in my mind that a person who starts slim and changes to fat is a different person. But that is no excuse to change the rules in the middle of the game.

The OPs partner has done this. He has suddenly announced a major condition. Lose weight or I'm not getting married. He may as well have demanded that she start coming to football matches or get a breast enhancement, or make him breakfast in bed every day etc. etc. etc. or he won't marry her. I see no significant difference in these demands. They are unreasonable and unfair, at this stage, and I believe the OP should make that clear and let him like it or lump it, but if he lumps it then she walks away.

If she let's him assert his will in this way now ... can you imagine what it will be like in the future ? What else will he threaten if he doesn't get his way ?

In my view if a man or woman makes it clear early in a relationship that the other person's weight and appearance, or other personal characteristics are important to their commitment, then that is fair enough.

Sleepy

A more appropriate analogy would be if the OP had taken up smoking after a stressful period in her life and it not being something her other half liked but had lumped up until the point where she asked if they were going to get married.

strandroad

Piliger wrote: »

The OPs partner has done this. He has suddenly announced a major condition. Lose weight or I'm not getting married. He may as well have demanded that she start coming to football matches or get a breast enhancement, or make him breakfast in bed every day etc. etc. etc. or he won't marry her. I see no significant difference in these demands. They are unreasonable and unfair, at this stage, and I believe the OP should make that clear and let him like it or lump it, but if he lumps it then she walks away.

If she let's him assert his will in this way now ... can you imagine what it will be like in the future ? What else will he threaten if he doesn't get his way ?

This. I could marry my OH tomorrow and he me, because we know what we like and do not like in each other.

I find it hard to believe that an issue that has been insignificant enough for him not to be bothered with, suddenly grows to be something you will give up love and lifelong companionship for, if not met. It's too much of a jump.

SineadMarie

Im sorry i wasnt referring to someone weighing 50 stone, what i meant is he should love her non the less, she only gained a stone i don't think thats much.

LegacyUser

You in your late 20's and going with with a man for five years and you have mentioned marriage. He tells you lost a stone and we will get married. He is using this line as he does not want to get married. I would lost a stone weight and tell him get lost as unless you do what he wants when he wants you will have no life.
How would this man cope if life does not go according plan.
I have a friend who was involved a relationship like yours. She pandered to his every need and he always got what he wanted. They were due to get married and he called the wedding off. My friend was very unhappy and tried to get the relationship to work again after this happened but it went no where.
My friend went on to meet a really nice, decent man who adores her. They have a few difficult times in there marriage but because he was mature he helped and supported her as she did with him. All relationships require give and take. If you do all the giving you could end up on your own if things don't go his way. Don't get married because people expect you to or because your friends are. I would think long and hard before making any long term commitment to this man as you don't want to end up in a bad marriage.