Can't forgive sisters abortion --- Note Mod warning Post #2

LegacyUser

I found out 6 months ago that my sister had an abortion in 2010. I am so angry with her I haven't been able to talk to her since and I want nothing to do with her.

Now we have my parents anniversary coming up in a few months and my mother wants me to sort it out. She knows we are not talking but doesn't know why but she seems to be putting the blame at my feet. My sister has been on anti depressants since it so my mother must have pity on her.

I don't want to be anywhere near her but I know if I don't I will get the grief so I am thinking of telling my parents what she did. They will feel the same I think. Would serve her right.

My husband is finding it hard and is really giving me a hard time of it - he is good mates with her husband - but I feel I need his support.

Taltos

All - we know this is an emotional issue.
Please keep your responses inline with our Charter - civil and constructive.

Thanks
Taltos

Post #34
OK all - can I ask one more time for everyone to take a deep breath here.
Any more personal attacks on the OP will result in an Infraction / Ban.

We have just had to issue one warning to a poster and to be blunt a number more are very close to the edge here too.

Keep your advice civil and constructive or do not post. Calling the OP names or similar is just not acceptable and never has been in PI/RI.

Off topic posts - e.g. those discussing the legalities of abortion in Ireland are not welcome and will be deleted as well as posters cautioned. A number of off topic posts have already been removed.

Thanking you all.
Taltos

jubella

To be honest, this was her decision to make, regardless of your feelings. Have you ever talked to your sister about the reasons why she did it? Maybe you might get a better understanding. It's done, it's in the past. Only you can know if you'll ever be ok with your sister again.
It's definitely not your place to tell your parents though, it's an extremely personal issue for your sister, only she should be the one to tell them.

The Big Red Button

Firstly, it's absolutely not your place to tell your parents. Don't do this, under any circumstances - it'll only cause more heartache for all involved, and it won't solve anything.

I don't really have too much else to say on the matter, as I truly can't understand why you feel the way you do about this. I don't think I could ever get an abortion myself, under any circumstances, but that's my choice - your sister's choice was her own. It's her life, and her body, and I really think you're being completely unfair here.

What she needs is your support, but seeing as you seem unable/unwilling to offer this, at the very least you should back off and try not to make things worse (e.g. by telling your parents!)

Tell your mother that you and your sister are two grown adults, and any differences you're having are between the two of you. Make it clear that you don't want your parents to try to get involved.

And I really don't think you should automatically expect your husband's support in this matter (and I think that his friendship with your brother-in-law is probably irrelevant.) He's entitled to his own opinions too.

eviltwin

I've been in your sister's shoes. She needs love and support more so if its causing her depression.

You don't have to agree with what she did but its done now. Judging her and treating her like a pariah is not going to undo it.

At the very least think of your parents day and try and be civil.

Under no circumstances should you tell your parents what has happened. That is none of their business or yours for that matter.

unhappycat

unhappycat wrote: »

My husband is finding it hard and is really giving me a hard time of it - he is good mates with her husband - but I feel I need his support.

What about your sister needing your support?


Frankly I think it's none of your business. Threatening to tattle to your parents so it'll "serve her right" when she's already on anti depressants is unreal. This is well beyond you "getting grief".

I think perhaps you need to speak to a professional and find out why it bothers you so much, why it should affect you at all, so you are better able to deal with it than lashing out.
You have no idea what she might have gone through and if she's still depressed about it 2 years later, it must be unbelievable for her.
You might be well advised to talk to her about it without lashing out, and see her side of things.

neuro-praxis

I am pro-life and completely agianst abortion, and I understand any pain you might feel at the loss of this child who you no doubt would have been delighted to love and care for.

However being pro-life also means that you are loving of those who actually are alive - and that includes your sister.

You need to allow yourself to grieve this loss, and you need to forgive your sister. She needs your love and support. Your judgement of her is hurtful, wrong and divisive. Take a small step towards her.

Edited to add: You should under no circumstances inform your parents. It is her decision who knows about this - not yours.

meganj

unhappycat wrote: »

I found out 6 months ago that my sister had an abortion in 2010. I am so angry with her I haven't been able to talk to her since and I want nothing to do with her.

That's entirely your decision, if you feel angry at your sibling for a decision she made then you don't have to support her in it.

unhappycat wrote: »

Now we have my parents anniversary coming up in a few months and my mother wants me to sort it out. She knows we are not talking but doesn't know why but she seems to be putting the blame at my feet. My sister has been on anti depressants since it so my mother must have pity on her.

Your sister is obviously depressed then, as doctors don't hand out Anti Depressants for fun. Not to be harsh here OP but if your sister is depressed your Mum is right to be offering her her support, doesn't mean you have to.

unhappycat wrote: »

I don't want to be anywhere near her but I know if I don't I will get the grief so I am thinking of telling my parents what she did. They will feel the same I think. Would serve her right.

So you want to tell your parents something that your sister presumably told you in confidence just because a) you don't agree with her decision and b) because you don't want to get the 'grief'. Why not just tell your parents that you're not speaking and that it's private between you and her. TBH if you sister has not told them and told you, there was probably an expectation that you would not tell them, doing that IMHO is mean, selfish and unfair. You could talk to your sister and tell her that you are not pleased with your parents blaming you for the falling out and you would ask her to tell them, this is the only way your parents should find out from your sister not you.

unhappycat wrote: »

My husband is finding it hard and is really giving me a hard time of it - he is good mates with her husband - but I feel I need his support.

So your husband feels you should let it go? He's entitled to his opinion. If he is friends with her husband there's nothing you can do to stop him supporting them I'm afraid. Ideally I think spouses should stay out of family business, but it's not always that easy.

TBH I think the most important thing here is you respect your sisters privacy, even though you don't understand or support her decision she is still a human being and is entitled to tell whomever she wishes or doesn't wish to about it without fear of people telling tales.

I presume given that your married that you no longer live at home, in which case, why does it matter if your parents think you should make up? Your not 14 so don't behave like one by telling on your sister, no matter how strongly you disagree with her.

LegacyUser

OP it's not your place to forgive her for her choices and actions. It is nothing to do with you. Fine you have an issue with abortion but I seriously don't understand [a] treating your sister this way for something that is nothing to do with you and acting so childish wanting to tattle to your parents because you think they'll be on your side. You might be in for a shock there I think because your parents might hold the same views as you on abortion it can be a whole different kettle of fish when it's their own child that has had one. They may well do what you have failed to and talk to their child and find out her reasons and be supportive. You can be supportive to someone without having to agree with their actions. My own father is very anti abortion but I know if I came to him and told him I had one he would not stop talking to me, he would support me. My siblings and extended family have done plenty of things I didn't agree with but I wouldn't opt to shun them nor try and get other family members to shun them. Her actions, her choice, her issues not yours, move on.

andyournameis

That was totally her decision, not yours..... what makes you think you have the right to be angry at her, ...I think it is totally unfair what you are doing to her, she need your support you are her sister after all, i think your sister is very brave to do what she did... she knew that she wasn't ready for a baby... yes you might not agree with it, but personally keep these thoughts to yourself...If I was you I would be crawling with my tale between my legs and I would be saying how sorry I am to her...

Jenneke87

unhappycat wrote: »

I found out 6 months ago that my sister had an abortion in 2010. I am so angry with her I haven't been able to talk to her since and I want nothing to do with her.

Now we have my parents anniversary coming up in a few months and my mother wants me to sort it out. She knows we are not talking but doesn't know why but she seems to be putting the blame at my feet. My sister has been on anti depressants since it so my mother must have pity on her.

I don't want to be anywhere near her but I know if I don't I will get the grief so I am thinking of telling my parents what she did. They will feel the same I think. Would serve her right.

My husband is finding it hard and is really giving me a hard time of it - he is good mates with her husband - but I feel I need his support.

I feel sorry for your sister. No doubt she has made a very difficult decision and must now also deal with her sisters childish behaviour because telling your parents "would serve her right" Even if you dont agree her decision,at the very least you could behave like an adult and tell her that even though you don't agree with what she has done, she can talk to you if needed. Right now she needs support, not a judgemental sister that goes behind her back.

Contessa Raven

I can understand why you feel disappointment and anger towards your sister but you must understand that a decision like this is not made lightly. Your sister probably felt very alone in this and felt like she had no other option.

The fact that she feels depressed after two years would say to me that she has had a lot of grief and perhaps some guilt and cannot come to terms with it herself. She told you something in confidence in the hopes that you would support her and help her and you've turned your back on her.

You want to tell your parents to "serve her right" for what? Making a decision that has probably torn her apart every day since? It is not your place to tell your parents. If you do go down that road it could end up backfiring with your parents taking her side and you being isolated.

Tbh, OP, I think your behaviour towards your sister is appalling.
She had an abortion and she can't take that back. But she is still your sister and she needs love and support to get her through this dark time in her life. You need to work through your anger and reach out to her. If you can't do that then the least you can do is not tell your parents.

LegacyUser

What out come are you looking for from this OP? Lets say you tell your parents and they agree with you and shun her then you tell your husband he can't be friends with her husband and you just cut her out of your lives for ever.....is that what your looking to do OP? Because thats were your heading, she can't undo what she's done so you've only really two options and that is carry on as you are and either loose your sister or else have your family turn their backs on you or talk to her and come to an understanding. You don't have to approve of what shes done but you can't go on treating her like you are. This isn't something she'd proud of doing OP, she hasn't been singing about it to you and every person on the street. It took her what a year, a year and half, to tell you.

analucija

I think forum charter forbids me to say what I really think. But at least don't break up the family, nobody will thank you. And besides what if your parents won't side with you? And if they do, will your husband congratulate you for driving a wedge between his friend and his wife's family? What you are thinking to do is spiteful and irrational and in the end it will hurt you.

Johnny_BravoIII

Whatever the rights & wrongs of your beliefs towards abortion, how can you lack basic human empathy & sympathy towards your sister?

You sister was in a situation of such overwhelming confusion that she decided an abortion was her way out, she endured the horror of the procedure which has left her emotionally scarred to the point she is on medication. She probably still suffers from personal guilt but cannot move on due to the fact she has to suffer her bitter & twisted sisters morally driven scorn. Now you wish to step up your campaign of hatred and remove her from the family circle, have her shunned by her own parents?

Would serve her right.

You lack basic human compassion.
Is this the type of person you want to be?
To judge & prosecute without any understanding and forgiveness.

It’s just overwhelmingly horrible IMO

Beruthiel

unhappycat wrote: »

I found out 6 months ago that my sister had an abortion in 2010. I am so angry with her I haven't been able to talk to her since and I want nothing to do with her.

What's the air like up there on your high horse OP?

You don't have to agree with the behaviour of another person, you are allowed to hold a different view from them.
But when you think it quite acceptable to judge and project that view on them, you've crossed the line.

I am quite sure that your sister thought long and hard before she made one of the most difficult, if not THE most difficult decision of her life.
She's had a hard time and needs the support of those closest to her.
Nice to see that you're there to do that for her when she needs you the most....

I am thinking of telling my parents what she did. They will feel the same I think. Would serve her right.

An appalling, spiteful, betrayal of trust.

My husband is finding it hard and is really giving me a hard time of it - he is good mates with her husband - but I feel I need his support.

You mean the way your sister needs your support?

Your husband knows, that at the end of the day, this is none of his business.
He may agree or disagree with what has happened, either way, he is able to move on from it and continue his relationship with them.
You don't get the right to call him out on that.

I don't have much time for religion, but that saying, let he who is without sin, cast the first stone comes to mind...

your title is 'cant forgive sisters abortion'

well, good news OP you dont have to. she didnt do anything that requires your forgiveness. she and her husband, presumably, made a choice regarding THEIR life. none of your business.

i cant believe that you can treat your sister like this just because you dont agree with her actions. im shocked.

i dont agree with some things my friends do, however i would NEVER judge them, they are my friends. i would always be completely open-minded and listen to their side and hopefully support them if they needed it.
i can only imagine if i had a sister she would be closer to me than friends.

MistyCheese

Your sister's abortion isn't yours to forgive.

You say that your husband is friends with hers, so she's a married woman, not a flighty teenager. It could be entirely possible that your sister had an abortion on medical grounds, going ahead with the pregnancy may have caused her or the child harm. I'm not saying that is the reason of course, just that it may be.

Getyourjacket

Im utterly gobsmacked reading your post. I've not got a lot to add as what I would like to say has already been covered by the other shocked posters but imo she's better off without you in her life. You can't forgive her? It's you that should be asking for forgiveness from your sister.

neuro-praxis

I do not support the OP's behaviour or attitude thus far.

However if the OP feels that she needs to forgive her sister's action, nobody here has the right to tell her she has nothing to forgive. She clearly needs to change her attitude from one of judgement to forgiveness.

If my sister had an abortion I would certainly not treat her with any less love. However I would certainly feel the need to forgive her because her decision would have transgressed values that I hold to be fundamental. Essentially, if my sister had an abortion it would cause me great pain. However, that forgiveness would be an issue for me to work through alone - I would not implicate her in that process.

x Purple Pawprints x

I agree with all the other posters here OP. You can be sure that the decision she came to did not come lightly. Have you even asked her why she had the abortion? She's your sister and she needs you but you want to tell your parents because it would "serve her right"? Your lack of compassion is shocking.

aidan24326

OP. it must be said that whatever about your views on abortion, you are no person to be taking the moral high ground about anything. Your behaviour has been appalling. Shunning your sister when she most needed you, showing no empathy nor compassion for her at one of the hardest times in her life, and then spitefuly threatening to tell your parents what she did. Which would be a monumental breach of trust.

As others have said you might try talking to her and gaining a better understanding of the circumstances. You know it was hardly a decision she took on a whim and was likely to have been a traumatic experience for her (when is it not?). You don't ever have to agree with it but could at least show some empathy and try to see your sister's point of view.

Xterminator

MistyCheese wrote: »

It could be entirely possible that your sister had an abortion on medical grounds, going ahead with the pregnancy may have caused her or the child harm. I'm not saying that is the reason of course, just that it may be.

Irrelevance. It doesnt matter what the sistes motivation was, because we are disussing the OP's behaviour towards her sisters. Guessing motives that are not disclosed simply allows grey areas for people to hide behind.

[back on topic]

I 100% agree with the other comments here that your behaviour is appalling.

Furthermore in assuming your sister needs your forgiveness - what does she need your forgiveness for??

I would suggest that it is you who needs your sisters forgiveness at this point.

X

QueenBee1

I have had an abortion in the past and it the most horrible situation to be in. Every woman has her reasons for doing this and I do feel your sister is being punished by punishing herself. She is hurting she is grieving and needs support and while you may not agree with it..its her life. Who knows you might end of being in a similar situation some day, dont say you wont because you NEVER know what is going to happen. Cut her some slack and try and understand your sister felt such fear she could not go ahead with the pregnancy so try understand that everything is not always black and white

Leitrim lass

Drop the self righteousness OP.
Yes, your sister may have done something which offends your sensibilities but it has nothing to do with you.
Did it affect you when she had the abortion? NO, because you weren't there.
Did it affect or change your life in any way when she had the abortion? NO. Your life was the exact same. You had no idea that she even had an abortion until she told you 2 years after the event.
The only way in which this has affected you is that the 'knowledge' of your sisters abortion has turned you into a spiteful sanctimonious judgemental person.
That's all your own doing though, not your sisters abortion.

Your behaviour is also causing problems in your relationship with your husband.
It has(you have) ruined your relationship with your sister.
And you are probably going to end up ruining either your relationship with your parents or your sisters relationship with them if you tell them about the abortion to spite your sister.
Have a really good luck at your behaviour OP. It's disgusting! I'm surprised your husband hasn't already said all this to you.
You may feel that your sister has disappointed you but your own behaviour is probably an even bigger disappointment to those around you.

tinkerbell

Good god OP, I feel sorry for your sister. Not only has she to deal with the after effects of an abortion, but she's to deal with your condescending rotten attitude as well. Her abortion was none of your god damn business, none. It was between her and her partner, not you or anybody else. Did you expect her to consult you first and then have the baby coz you expected her to? Get over yourself. And threatening to tell your parents is rotten, underhanded and downright immature. Who knows, your mother might already know this happened and is giving her daughter the support she needs.

By the way, your husband is dead right - this is none of his business so is staying out of this. I don't understand how you're so up there on this high horse when it's got absolutely nothing to do with you. The sooner you realise that the whole world doesn't revolve around you the better. Your sister is free to make her own decisions without your bitter judgement. Jees the way you go on about can't forgive her makes it out to seem that this was something terrible done to you. It has nothing to do with you, get over yourself.

sexymama

tinkerbell wrote: »

Good god OP, I feel sorry for your sister. Not only has she to deal with the after effects of an abortion, but she's to deal with your condescending rotten attitude as well. Her abortion was none of your god damn business, none. It was between her and her partner, not you or anybody else. Did you expect her to consult you first and then have the baby coz you expected her to? Get over yourself. And threatening to tell your parents is rotten, underhanded and downright immature. Who knows, your mother might already know this happened and is giving her daughter the support she needs.

By the way, your husband is dead right - this is none of his business so is staying out of this. I don't understand how you're so up there on this high horse when it's got absolutely nothing to do with you. The sooner you realise that the whole world doesn't revolve around you the better. Your sister is free to make her own decisions without your bitter judgement. Jees the way you go on about can't forgive her makes it out to seem that this was something terrible done to you. It has nothing to do with you, get over yourself.

Well OP,I don't think you are getting the sympathy/replies that you were hoping for!


Most of the posters on here have said it all!
All I can say is that you sound like a 15 year old child never mind a married woman:eek:
IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.What your sister chooses to do is HER choice.SHE does not have to be forgiven anything by anyone.Your sister had her reasons and you have no right to judge her!
I have two daughters and if one of them was like you I would be absolutely mortified:mad:
I'm not anti or pro abortion.People have their reasons and may think long and hard before going through such a procedure.

As Tinkerbell said,Get over Yourself!

Firstly, while you may feel affected by your sister's abortion, you must also realise that this decision had nothing to do with you. It's not about you. So while it's understandable that you might be upset by her abortion, or dislike her for it, I don't see how you can feel entitled to be angry at her - she did nothing with the intention of hurting you. She owes you no apology. You have no ground to stand on with the whole punishing her plan, i.e. telling your parents and trying to make her feel worse than she already does and all that "would serve her right" stuff.

Your parent's anniversary - is it important to you? If you care about it, put your issues aside and go for their sake. If you don't think you can put your issues with your sister aside for a day for your parents, than don't go. But don't think you can go and treat your depressed sister terribly and come out of it looking like the good guy.

Lastly you say you feel you need your husband's support. To support you on hating your depressed sister and trying to turn both himself and your parents against her??? If you feel like you've lost a niece/nephew, and are upset, then by all means ask your husband for support. But that's clearly not the path you're on - yours is one hell bent on destruction towards your sister, which he should by no means support you on. In the long run, he is looking after your best interests by keeping an objective view and not encouraging your anger.

To be honest, as someone who has suffered from depression and had loved ones who have suffered it also, I can only assume you don't understand what it's like - because if you do, and you still hold the same spiteful attitude towards your sister, you honestly do have issues that need to be talked about to a professional. Maybe start by talking to your husband - not about hating your sister but about why you've had such a volatile reaction to this. I can only hope you don't realise how cruel you've been.

Oryx

I just want to respond to this without actually getting into rights and wrongs of the whole abortion issue. OP, you are clearly appalled at your sisters actions, but they cannot be changed. You are furious at her to the point that you want to increase the pain she is under by any means necessary. (breaking her trust). Is this really the person you want to be?

Right now your sister is suffering from depression (forget about why, she just is). You are suffering from anger and bitterness, which while it is aimed at and hurting her, is also hurting you.

Regardless of your feelings on abortion or anything else, sometimes you need to see the person behind the action, and let go of the pain and hurt and forgive them. You and your sister have long lives ahead please god. You shouldnt spend yours hating her because you want to take a higher moral standpoint. The only person who gets anything from that is you, but you also take on a great deal of pain yourself because you cannot forgive her.

I hope that regardless of the strength of your feelings here, your humanity overcomes them and you and your sister find some way to get along again.

pickarooney

Is anyone even trying to understand the OP's POV here? It's all very well to have your own opinions on major issues but it's arrogant and unfair to dismiss the OP's legitimate viewpoint on abortion. Even if you don't personally have a problem with abortion it shouldn't be too hard to have the intellectual honesty to accept that someone else on the other side of an arbitrary line has a valid point of view.

For many people abortion is a form of murder (technically I think it's still the case even legally in Ireland) so rather than throw stones at the OP try to imagine yourself in her shoes, where here sister has, say, killed a child and accept that on her moral compass her sister has done something gravely wrong, for which she needs forgiveness. You might actually be able to offer useful advice.

LegacyUser

pickarooney wrote: »

Is anyone even trying to understand the OP's POV here? It's all very well to have your own opinions on major issues but it's arrogant and unfair to dismiss the OP's legitimate viewpoint on abortion. Even if you don't personally have a problem with abortion it shouldn't be too hard to have the intellectual honesty to accept that someone else on the other side of an arbitrary line has a valid point of view.

For many people abortion is a form of murder (technically I think it's still the case even legally in Ireland) so rather than throw stones at the OP try to imagine yourself in her shoes, where here sister has, say, killed a child and accept that on her moral compass her sister has done something gravely wrong, for which she needs forgiveness. You might actually be able to offer useful advice.

The OP's choise of words in her post I think is what is putting people off offering any advice other then what was has been given. Her comment about telling her parents because it would serve the sister right doesn't sound like someone whose dealing with an ethical/moral issue over the abortion but is just plan angry and spiteful towards her sister.

If the OP has such a major issue with abortion then the best advice to offer her is to go speak with someone in her church who may be able to offer advice and support to her. I know several people who are very anti-abortion and a few women who've had abortions and the most I've seen one say to the other is that they would pray for them. The OPs reaction is extreme to say the least and were does she want it to end? With her husband and parents never speaking to the sister again either? TBH going on the tone of the OP's post she is looking for people to support her stance rather then actually offer advice.

I work in the prison service and see parents and siblings visit inmates in for murder and rape and while they don't support what they did in anyway shape or forum they still love their son/brother/daughter/sister so support them. The sisters actions are a done, she can't undo it so the OP can either continue down the path she's on or find some way to deal with it. At the end of the day it's her issue to deal with not the sisters.

The Big Red Button

pickarooney wrote: »

Is anyone even trying to understand the OP's POV here? It's all very well to have your own opinions on major issues but it's arrogant and unfair to dismiss the OP's legitimate viewpoint on abortion. Even if you don't personally have a problem with abortion it shouldn't be too hard to have the intellectual honesty to accept that someone else on the other side of an arbitrary line has a valid point of view.

For many people abortion is a form of murder (technically I think it's still the case even legally in Ireland) so rather than throw stones at the OP try to imagine yourself in her shoes, where here sister has, say, killed a child and accept that on her moral compass her sister has done something gravely wrong, for which she needs forgiveness. You might actually be able to offer useful advice.

If I genuinely believed that my sister had murdered a baby, then "serving her right" and telling my parents in order to get them off my back would absolutely be the very least of my concerns.

Leitrim lass

It's very difficult to understand the OPs point of view when her reaction is anger.
If the OP had come on here saying how she is distraught and very upset by the abortion, I feel that most people here could empathise with her regardless of their own personal views on abortion.
But coming on as she has saying that she is so angry with her sister!!
Please! If my sister came to me saying that she had murdered a baby I wouldn't be 'angry'. I'd be shocked, upset, distraught for the baby and for my sisters future life.
Self righteous is the last thing I'd be. And I wouldn't be running telling my parents just because it would serve her right.
The OP is being offered some very good advice here. She is basically being told to stop making this about her personally, to step back from her own personal feelings and to help her sister who so obviously needs a hell of a lot of support right now.

Taltos

OK all - can I ask one more time for everyone to take a deep breath here.
Any more personal attacks on the OP will result in an Infraction / Ban.

We have just had to issue one warning to a poster and to be blunt a number more are very close to the edge here too.

Keep your advice civil and constructive or do not post. Calling the OP names or similar is just not acceptable and never has been in PI/RI.

Thanking you all.
Taltos

Defiler Of The Coffin

unhappycat wrote: »

I found out 6 months ago that my sister had an abortion in 2010. I am so angry with her I haven't been able to talk to her since and I want nothing to do with her.

Now we have my parents anniversary coming up in a few months and my mother wants me to sort it out. She knows we are not talking but doesn't know why but she seems to be putting the blame at my feet. My sister has been on anti depressants since it so my mother must have pity on her.

I don't want to be anywhere near her but I know if I don't I will get the grief so I am thinking of telling my parents what she did. They will feel the same I think. Would serve her right.

My husband is finding it hard and is really giving me a hard time of it - he is good mates with her husband - but I feel I need his support.

I didn't see a question in your post. What exactly are you looking for advice on?

If such a thing happened to one of my sisters they would have nothing but my full support. How was your relationship with your sister before you heard about this? It doesn't sound like you were on great terms beforehand. Regardless, could you not find some empathy in your heart and try and see what she's going through?

If you don't patch things up with your sister soon then most likely your relationship with her will be permanently damaged. Is that what you want?

PucaMama

if your sister has let your mother know you are not talking to her, and has landed the blame at you, then yes be honest with your mother. you are entitled to your feelings and opinions. also i think its an acceptable reaction since abortion is illegal here and some people agree with that.

AhInFairness

pickarooney wrote: »

Is anyone even trying to understand the OP's POV here? It's all very well to have your own opinions on major issues but it's arrogant and unfair to dismiss the OP's legitimate viewpoint on abortion. Even if you don't personally have a problem with abortion it shouldn't be too hard to have the intellectual honesty to accept that someone else on the other side of an arbitrary line has a valid point of view.

With all due respect pickarooney, what you are suggesting here is the very thing the OP is refusing to do for her sister. Why can't she accept that her sister has a different and legitimate view on abortion? Why can't she have the intellectual honesty to accept that her sister, on the other side of an arbitrary line, has a valid point of view?

She has reacted so violently to her sister's decision to the point where their relationship has been all but severed. She is completely unwilling to even attempt to see things from her sister's POV and instead she can only see her opinion and her beliefs making her spiteful and embittered. This decision is affecting her other relationships and serves no purpose for anyone in the family. She can have her view on abortion but she should try to accept that not everyone feels the same way. This is her issue to deal with as her sister can't take this action back. We have no idea why the OP's sister made that decision but ultimately it is none of the OP's business.

OP, on the issue of your parent's anniversary, I would strongly urge you to speak to your sister and see if you can try to be civil for the sake of your parents. If you don't feel that you can do that then perhaps you shouldn't go.

As for your husband, I would suggest you accept that he has a relationship with your sister's husband. Your opinions on abortion should have no bearing on that relationship.

May I also suggest you speak to a professional to determine why you can't get past this issue and are willing to lose your sister over it.

dellas1979

Its very simple. The title of your thread suggests your current mind set "I cant forgive sisters abortion".

Did she do something to you? Or did she do something in her life that you disagree with?

BIG big difference OP.

sexymama

can't log in wrote: »

The OP's choise of words in her post I think is what is putting people off offering any advice other then what was has been given. Her comment about telling her parents because it would serve the sister right doesn't sound like someone whose dealing with an ethical/moral issue over the abortion but is just plan angry and spiteful towards her sister.

I agree.
If the OP had posted that she found it hard to deal with and that she didn't know how to go about talking about it to her sister she might have gotten more balances replies.

PucaMama.Not everybody agrees with abortion but we have to respect peoples decisions.
If one of my daughters needed one for medical/life threatening reasons I'd have no problem with that.I'd rather have a living daughter than a dead one.
If she got pregnant and single and was unable to cope I would respect her decision.
If she wanted an abortion for any other reason that I might not like I would have to accept the fact that it is her choice to do so.She is my flesh and blood and I love her to bits.



Taltos,sorry. Amended.

mood

I agree with the majority of posters.

i would also like to add that if you care about you parents and family you will not tell them. Why would you want to upset them? Upset maybe the wrong choice of word here but whatever reaction you want or expect it can do no good for you, your sister or your parents.

PucaMama

sexymama wrote: »

I agree.
If the OP had posted that she found it hard to deal with and that she didn't know how to go about talking about it to her sister she might have gotten more balances replies.

PucaMama.Not everybody agrees with abortion but we have to respect peoples decisions.
If one of my daughters needed one for medical/life threatening reasons I'd have no problem with that.I'd rather have a living daughter than a dead one.
If she got pregnant and single and was unable to cope I would respect her decision.
If she wanted an abortion for any other reason that I might not like I would have to accept the fact that it is her choice to do so.She is my flesh and blood and I love her to bits.



Taltos,sorry. Amended.

im sorry but thats no good reason for an abortion. thats what adoption is for.

the op said what she felt, and so far noone has even attempted to help her, only giving out to her. its a fact that abortion is illegal here.

indough

OP do you not think that perhaps your reaction to what she told you and treatment of her after the fact may be contributing to her depression?

i wont be too hard on you because it is often easy to miss the wood for the trees when something is affecting you personally and easier for us as outsiders to be objective, but i feel you need to reconcile with her before you go past the point of no return. unless of course the thought of losing her as a sister doesnt bother you. it's possible the window of opportunity to make things right may close and she could decide she doesnt want to know you any more

spacecookie555

pickarooney wrote: »

Is anyone even trying to understand the OP's POV here? It's all very well to have your own opinions on major issues but it's arrogant and unfair to dismiss the OP's legitimate viewpoint on abortion. Even if you don't personally have a problem with abortion it shouldn't be too hard to have the intellectual honesty to accept that someone else on the other side of an arbitrary line has a valid point of view.

For many people abortion is a form of murder (technically I think it's still the case even legally in Ireland) so rather than throw stones at the OP try to imagine yourself in her shoes, where here sister has, say, killed a child and accept that on her moral compass her sister has done something gravely wrong, for which she needs forgiveness. You might actually be able to offer useful advice.

I have been reading these posts and suprisingly it hasnt turned into an abortion argument but imo people are well within their rights to "throw stones" at the OP. To treat your own flesh and blood with such malice is just awful. My sister is my world and if she needed me I would walk over hot coals for her, no matter what she chooses to do with HER life, she would have my unconditional love. Its as simple as dat imo.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your replies. Shocked is not the word for them. I think Pickarooney is the only one who got it. I didn't want to say it in my opening post but I really do feel my sister is a murderer, thats what I cannot forgive, she killed a child and to me that is as bad as any murder out there. And its illegal.

I just cannot believe my sister would do this, we are not that kind of person. I always looked up to her and admired her now I think of her as scum. I know I won't ever be able to talk to her again, if I am in her company I will just walk out of the room because I would be liable to attack her. How do I just not turn up to my parents party though, my mother will think I have a problem with her or dad when that is not the case. That's why I want to tell them so they can understand my position.

Lawliet

PucaMama wrote: »

im sorry but thats no good reason for an abortion. thats what adoption is for.

the op said what she felt, and so far noone has even attempted to help her, only giving out to her. its a fact that abortion is illegal here.

Whether it is legal here or not is non issues - women have had the right to travel to seek an abortion for the last twenty years, the OP's sister hasn't broken any laws.

LegacyUser

PucaMama wrote: »

the op said what she felt, and so far noone has even attempted to help her, only giving out to her. its a fact that abortion is illegal here.

it is illegal to perform an abortion here (actually it is legal under certain circumstances) it is not illegal to have had an abortion in another country otherwise there would thousands of women arrested each year. The legality of abortion is nothing to do with this. The sister had one, this doesn't fit with the OPs views so the OP should go speak with her priest or whatever spiritual guide she has and discuss the issue with them and ask them for guidance. She shouldn't be tattling to her parents, it's her issue to deal with. If the parents have issue with the sister then that's for them to deal with.

blacklilly

Hi Op,
Im pro-life and have very strong opinions on this issue. however I have some close friends who have had abortions and although I don't agree with their reasons as such, they are still my friends. as a previous poster said,to be pro-life means to respect all life.
You're sister is obviously hurting really bad at the moment. You may think she is heartless but no womam chooses abortion lightly.
To a point I understand your anger but she is your sister,your flesh and blood and now more than ever she needs support not to be judged.
What is done is done and you cannot change that. you should learn to forgive and help your sister through this.
Even as someone who is pro-life I will not judge any woman who has gone through this, yes it annoys Me to hear of an abortion and it saddens me but I also know they life doesn't always work out the way you thought and if I see someone I love in pain / depressed regardless of the reasons I will be there for them.

spacecookie555

unhappycat wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies. Shocked is not the word for them. I think Pickarooney is the only one who got it. I didn't want to say it in my opening post but I really do feel my sister is a murderer, thats what I cannot forgive, she killed a child and to me that is as bad as any murder out there. And its illegal.

I just cannot believe my sister would do this, we are not that kind of person. I always looked up to her and admired her now I think of her as scum. I know I won't ever be able to talk to her again, if I am in her company I will just walk out of the room because I would be liable to attack her. How do I just not turn up to my parents party though, my mother will think I have a problem with her or dad when that is not the case. That's why I want to tell them so they can understand my position.

You would be liable to attack her??? How could you harm your own sister or even think about it over a belief??? Wow and you refer to her as scum???

Malari

OP, it saddens me to think that you feel this hostile towards your sister. Had you been close prior to you finding out about the abortion? Have you discussed her feelings, reasons, motives, etc when you found out? If you feel your differences are irreconcilable I would still not reveal this to your parents however. It should be enough to say that you've had a significant disagreement that you don't want to discuss and that you don't want it to affect your relationship with your parents. Suggest that they speak to your sister if they want to know anything else, maybe. You may be surprised at how compassionate they could be, regardless of their position on abortion.

Stavro Mueller

If you are feeling such extreme emotions about your sister, I think you should seek professional help. Carrying around that amount of bitterness and hate isn't going to do you any good. You keep going the way you are and you are going to cause some mighty rifts in your family.

tbh

hattoncracker wrote: »

OP, may I ask exactly what bothers you about this so much? Why are you having such a hard time with it?
.

Imagine her sister was a pedophile. Do you think the thread would be any different? Its perfectly obvious the majority of people replyong to the thread dont see abortion in the same light as the op, but lots of people do. Even if you dont agree with it, its a logical and understandible point of view. The op isn't asking how to cope with her sister having an abortion. She's asking for advice in dealing with something she finds morally reprehensible.

OP, your sister has done what she's done. She hasnt done anything illegal, assuming she travelled to the uk for it. I think you need to try to understand why she did it, it'll help you empathise with her. I'm not saying you'll be able to accept her decision, but if you can understand it, you may start to think of your sister as a person again, and not a monster.

You should try to get past this. She's your sister. How was your relationship before this? If its not too personal a question, are there any other factors at play here? Have you possibly had fertility problems, for example?

Final piece of advice - under no circumstances should you tell your parents - its not your place and to be honest I think it'll eventually be worse for you than her.

Hating your sister isn't going to change the situation. It's already damaging her and it *will* end up damaging you. Getting to a better relationship may involve a lot of work but it'll be worth it. She's your sister.