Boyfriend fobbing me off about travelling

Danniboo

In comparison to some of the issues on here this is probably minor. Nevertheless i've discussed going travelling with my bf on a few occassions and let him know how it really is something I want to do. He is quite career focused at the moment and is pursuing quite an ambitious career. I've been very supportive and encouraged him all the way. I am doing a college course myself and we will both be finished around the same time next year. I've told him that this is a dream of mine and that if he didn't want to go I understood, he doesn't seem to have much interest. I told him I could go and meet friends abroad/go myself and we could stay together. After having a few chats about it, he said he would go and I asked really???? when do you want to go, to which he replies when you want to go. I knew at this stage that he was just fobbing me off. I spoke to him last night and dropped in to conversation in a joking kind of way, this time next year we will be in Australia and he says "Yeah, if you have your way". Am I wrong to be upset about this? I just feel like he's fobbing me off and has shown no regard for the fact that is one of my dreams, just because it's not his I feel like he doesn't really care or feel it's important. I never said he had to come with me, he said that himself. I don't want to regret not going. A bit of support, rather than just nodding and smiling or fobbing it off surely isn't too much to ask???

Danniboo

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi there

That would annoy the hell out of me. He either has plans to go or he doesn't or he is unsure. Either way, he must have some idea.

I think you should go ahead and plan your trip. You want to travel, you should do it.

I know that isn't much help, but that is what I would do. If you don't go, more than likely you will just resent him later down the line.

You have your life to live, so do it - don't be waiting around feeling upset because he is being indecisive.

Thanks Sunflower,

I've told him about a friend of mine that went travelling and came home because her bf wanted to and now she resents him and that I don't want that to happen to us. It's just hurtful that he just fobs it off like it's not important.

Chucky the tree

He's probably just a bit pissed off that there hasn't been any kind of discussion about your travelling and that he is either forced into going or most likely breaking up.

Danniboo

Chucky the tree wrote: »

He's probably just a bit pissed off that there hasn't been any kind of discussion about your travelling and that he is either forced into going or most likely breaking up.

Did you read my thread I have been discussing it with him over the last year. There is no reason for us to break up if he really wants to stay together.

Chucky the tree

Danniboo wrote: »

Did you read my thread I have been discussing it with him over the last year. There is no reason for us to break up if he really wants to stay together.

How long are you travelling for?

Danniboo

Chucky the tree wrote: »

How long are you travelling for?

A year anyways.

Chucky the tree

Danniboo wrote: »

A year anyways.

So what have you discussed for a year exactly? It seems to me the discussion has been about you going and not much else. Telling your bf you really want to go travelling for a year and then deciding to go isn't really a discussion tbh. Also staying together for a year without seeing each other will be very difficult, and I'm sure your boyfriend knows this.

Danniboo

Chucky the tree wrote: »

So what have you discussed for a year exactly? It seems to me the discussion has been about you going and not much else. Telling your bf you really want to go travelling for a year and then deciding to go isn't really a discussion tbh. Also staying together for a year without seeing each other will be very difficult, and I'm sure your boyfriend knows this.

I've asked him about going I don't really see what else you feel needs to be discussed? Most things worth doing are difficult it doesn't mean it can't be done. Anyways when my boyfriend gets a job in his chosen career he could be stuck anywhere in the world.

Chucky the tree

Danniboo wrote: »

I've asked him about going I don't really see what else you feel needs to be discussed? Most things worth doing are difficult it doesn't mean it can't be done. Anyways when my boyfriend gets a job in his chosen career he could be stuck anywhere in the world.

Well I think discussing how he feels about it would be pretty important. You basically have told him you are going travelling and he has no say in this. Fair enough, it's your life so it can be argued he doesn't get one. However considering you have give him only two choices, both of which contain things he's not happy with. He can either go travelling which he is not really fond of or spent at least a year away from you which he is even unhappier with. The icing on the cake is that you then also expect him to be all supportive with smilies and happiness for you? No offence, but that to me seems extremely selfish on your part. It seems you haven't actually considering your bf's feeling on the issue at all tbh.

curlzy

Hey Danniboo,

Yes that would annoy me immensely. So you've supported him in all he wants to do but when your dream is on the line it's "yeah, if you have your way" as if you're making unreasonable and selfish demands? TBH Danniboo that in itself would make me rethink the relationship, passive-aggressiveness and surliness are so unattractive. I really wouldn't beg or cajole him. If he doesn't want to go and drags his feet like a child that is going to RUIN travelling for you. If you really feel that he isn't going to go with you wholeheartedly the way you've supported him wholeheartedly I'd break up with him and find a partner as good as yourself.

I supported my fiancée, got him an excellent job, thought him to drive etc etc and when I wanted to go travelling around California and Hawaii he gave it his all and we had an absolutely amazing time. He never wanted to go travelling but he knew it was my dream so he didn't half do it, he did it wholeheartedly because he wanted me to live my dreams. I hugged giant redwood trees, met some amazing people, made great friends, swam in underground caverns, swam out to sea and swam with wild dolphins, swam with wild sea turtles, learned to snorkel etc etc etc. If he'd been dragging his feet I probably would have just argued my way around the USA and missed out on amazing experiences.

So yeah unless he gets really enthusiastic really soon I'd dump him and go alone. At the end of the day, you have no kids, no mortgage (I'm assuming), nothing to really tie you to him and if he just wants to focus on his career while you want to explore the world you don't sound that well matched. If you give up your dream for him you will DEFINATELY resent him later on for it.

If I were you I'd finish it with him and go and see the world, plenty more fish in the sea and all that, and sure if he's "the one" you guys could probably get back together later on. I really wouldn't do long distance with him, a person needs to be extremely supportive and level-headed to handle that and your guy just doesn't sound that way. Also if you're travelling alone you might not want to be tied to a relationship.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hey, just wanted to say if travelling is your dream and what you want to do just go for it!

He sounds like he is just saying he'll go to keep you happy but has no actually intention of going, maybe he hopes you'll forget about it. Its really juvenile the way he is handling it, particularly if you said he doesn't have to go with you.

I was in a flipside situation recently where I nearly moved abroad for someone despite it not really being what I wanted to do. Luckily he showed his true colours before I went but I feel now that if I had gone I would have been sacrificing my happiness to keep him happy.

I hope you know what I was trying to say there. You only get one life so you have to make the most of it. Go ahead and plan the trip with friends, that way if he actually wants to go with you he still can, but if he was only fobbing you off you won't be left high and dry.

Good luck and enjoy Oz

Danniboo

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Well I think discussing how he feels about it would be pretty important. You basically have told him you are going travelling and he has no say in this. Fair enough, it's your life so it can be argued he doesn't get one. However considering you have give him only two choices, both of which contain things he's not happy with. He can either go travelling which he is not really fond of or spent at least a year away from you which he is even unhappier with. The icing on the cake is that you then also expect him to be all supportive with smilies and happiness for you? No offence, but that to me seems extremely selfish on your part. It seems you haven't actually considering your bf's feeling on the issue at all tbh.

He won't discuss it with me, that's been my point he just fobs it off and makes comments like the ones mentioned in your OP. If anything not considering your partners wishes/dreams is selfish especially since they've been supportive of yours.

Danniboo

curlzy wrote: »

Hey Danniboo,

Yes that would annoy me immensely. So you've supported him in all he wants to do but when your dream is on the line it's "yeah, if you have your way" as if you're making unreasonable and selfish demands? TBH Danniboo that in itself would make me rethink the relationship, passive-aggressiveness and surliness are so unattractive. I really wouldn't beg or cajole him. If he doesn't want to go and drags his feet like a child that is going to RUIN travelling for you. If you really feel that he isn't going to go with you wholeheartedly the way you've supported him wholeheartedly I'd break up with him and find a partner as good as yourself.

I supported my fiancée, got him an excellent job, thought him to drive etc etc and when I wanted to go travelling around California and Hawaii he gave it his all and we had an absolutely amazing time. He never wanted to go travelling but he knew it was my dream so he didn't half do it, he did it wholeheartedly because he wanted me to live my dreams. I hugged giant redwood trees, met some amazing people, made great friends, swam in underground caverns, swam out to sea and swam with wild dolphins, swam with wild sea turtles, learned to snorkel etc etc etc. If he'd been dragging his feet I probably would have just argued my way around the USA and missed out on amazing experiences.

So yeah unless he gets really enthusiastic really soon I'd dump him and go alone. At the end of the day, you have no kids, no mortgage (I'm assuming), nothing to really tie you to him and if he just wants to focus on his career while you want to explore the world you don't sound that well matched. If you give up your dream for him you will DEFINATELY resent him later on for it.

If I were you I'd finish it with him and go and see the world, plenty more fish in the sea and all that, and sure if he's "the one" you guys could probably get back together later on. I really wouldn't do long distance with him, a person needs to be extremely supportive and level-headed to handle that and your guy just doesn't sound that way. Also if you're travelling alone you might not want to be tied to a relationship.

Best of luck

That's the thing I want to build a career for myself too, we're both studying and working and will be finished around the same time so I thought it would be perfect timing to go travelling.

curlzy

Danniboo wrote: »

That's the thing I want to build a career for myself too, we're both studying and working and will be finished around the same time so I thought it would be perfect timing to go travelling.

It would be perfect IF he wanted to travel. He doesn't though by the sounds of it. I really wouldn't choose a man over my life's dream, especially if that man was willing to accept all your support but give none of his own. I really wouldn't put off travelling Danniboo, at your age (finishing college) chances are he isn't the guy you're ultimately gonna end up with, can you imagine if you passed up travelling for him and then broke up with him down the line when you're no longer in a position to travel? I'd be working out priorities if I were you and I'd be putting travelling as number 1.

Danniboo

curlzy wrote: »

It would be perfect IF he wanted to travel. He doesn't though by the sounds of it. I really wouldn't choose a man over my life's dream, especially if that man was willing to accept all your support but give none of his own. I really wouldn't put off travelling Danniboo, at your age (finishing college) chances are he isn't the guy you're ultimately gonna end up with, can you imagine if you passed up travelling for him and then broke up with him down the line when you're no longer in a position to travel? I'd be working out priorities if I were you and I'd be putting travelling as number 1.

Well im back in college i'm actually in my late twenties.

Chucky the tree

Danniboo wrote: »

He won't discuss it with me, that's been my point he just fobs it off and makes comments like the ones mentioned in your OP. If anything not considering your partners wishes/dreams is selfish especially since they've been supportive of yours.

You just said there wasn't anything to discuss though apart from him going or not.

Danniboo wrote: »

I've asked him about going I don't really see what else you feel needs to be discussed?

He is considering your wishes/dreams, I presume that's why he decided to go. However the problem with him basically being forced to go is that he won't be happy and it's difficult for someone to forcefully change their feelings. Not only that but that fact you've basically had really no discussion or comprise is probably increasing his sense of unhappiness. Have you actually suggest any type of alternative travelling arrangement or have you just told him about your dream to travel for a year and that you will be doing it?

analucija

You can't force somebody to go traveling for a year if they don't want to. He should make a decision and stick to it and not just say yes and then hope you'll change your mind in a year. So talk to him, tell him you are booking tickets or whatever or give him some sort of deadline to make his mind up. But don't blame him, if he says no. It is a huge financial undertaking, it could have consequences for his career and maybe he just doesn't like it. I have a feeling that in the end you will have to decide if you want to stay with him or not, while you go traveling alone. But don't give up on your dream to travel, you could really regret it and even worse resent him.

Danniboo

Chucky the tree wrote: »

You just said there wasn't anything to discuss though apart from him going or not.

Yeah if he won't have a conversation about it there really is nothing more I can discuss with him, I can't torture him in to speaking to me.


He is considering your wishes/dreams, I presume that's why he decided to go. However the problem with him basically being forced to go is that he won't be happy and it's difficult for someone to forcefully change their feelings. Not only that but that fact you've basically had really no discussion or comprise is probably increasing his sense of unhappiness. Have you actually suggest any type of alternative travelling arrangement or have you just told him about your dream to travel for a year and that you will be doing it?

He never had any intentions of going, he hasn't brought it up once he was just fobbing me off. "If you have your way" doesn't say yeah well if it's important to you???

Like I said he won't have any sort of adult conversation so i've had no opportunity to sort alternative travelling arrangements/compromise with him.

curlzy

Danniboo wrote: »

He never had any intentions of going, he hasn't brought it up once he was just fobbing me off. "If you have your way" doesn't say yeah well if it's important to you???

Like I said he won't have any sort of adult conversation so i've had no opportunity to sort alternative travelling arrangements/compromise with him.

The fact you're late 20s makes me even more sure of my advice. The part in bold makes me EVEN more sure again of the advice. Giving up on your dreams for a man is a recipe for disaster, giving up your dreams for a man who won't behave like an adult is a recipe for regret, resentment and rage. If your late 20s you really need to do the travelling now before you start your career. Don't give up your dreams Danniboo. I really would finish it with him and start making travel plans, he really doesn't sound good enough for you.

analucija

Chucky the tree wrote: »

What adult conversation do you expect him to have when your attitude is that the only thing that needs to be discussed is whether he goes or not? I'd expect adult conversations to involve so sort of alternative suggestions and adult conversations shouldn't involve dropping in some subtle joke. As for it being important, he probably realises how important it is to you and he also probably realises that travelling is more important to you than he is which can't be a nice thought for him.

It could be one of those situations where partners have completely opposite desires. They are young and will be just out of college. There won't be another opportunity like that to follow their dreams and it's unfair if one just says yes and hopes the other person will change their mind. He is not selfish because he doesn't want to go, he is selfish because he hopes to manipulate her into changing her mind.

Chucky the tree

Danniboo wrote: »

He never had any intentions of going, he hasn't brought it up once he was just fobbing me off. "If you have your way" doesn't say yeah well if it's important to you???

Like I said he won't have any sort of adult conversation so i've had no opportunity to sort alternative travelling arrangements/compromise with him.

What adult conversation do you expect him to have when your attitude is that the only thing that needs to be discussed is whether he goes or not? I'd expect adult conversations to involve so sort of alternative suggestions and adult conversations shouldn't involve dropping in some subtle joke. As for it being important, he probably realises how important it is to you and he also probably realises that travelling is more important to you than he is which can't be a nice thought for him.


However, if he really can't have an adult conversation than fair enough, however from reading your other posts it seems that wasn't the problem

Danniboo wrote: »

In comparison to some of the issues on here this is probably minor. Nevertheless i've discussed going travelling with my bf on a few occassions and let him know how it really is something I want to do. I never said he had to come with me, he said that himself. I don't want to regret not going. A bit of support, rather than just nodding and smiling or fobbing it off surely isn't too much to ask???

Danniboo wrote: »

Did you read my thread I have been discussing it with him over the last year. There is no reason for us to break up if he really wants to stay together.

Danniboo wrote: »

I've asked him about going I don't really see what else you feel needs to be discussed? Most things worth doing are difficult it doesn't mean it can't be done. Anyways when my boyfriend gets a job in his chosen career he could be stuck anywhere in the world.

analucija wrote: »

It could be one of those situations where partners have completely opposite desires. They are young and will be just out of college. There won't be another opportunity like that to follow their dreams and it's unfair if one just says yes and hopes the other person will change their mind. He is not selfish because he doesn't want to go, he is selfish because he hopes to manipulate her into changing her mind.

A bit OTT. Is he meant to be happy that he won't see his girlfriend for at least a year or should he just bottle up his true feelings instead? Completely opposite desires is fair enough, but for me personnally I'd never left my desires get in the way of a relationship with someone if I really loved them, I'd happily comprimise. The OP seems to have little interest in this and her bf probably realises this and that's bound to make him unhappy/angery. Ideally he should handle it better though.

MistyCheese

Chucky, there are very few compromises that could be made in this situation. Daniboo wants to go, her boyfriend doesn't by the sounds of it. What middle ground could they reach? They can't half go, half not go.

I'd be worried about the way your boyfriend responds to the subject Daniboo. You bring it up and he says "Oh yeah, travelling. You still want to do that? Okay. Em, we'll probably have to talk about that sometime." It must be so frustrating to want to discuss this and plan for it when your partner seems to hope you'll forget about it.

Once upon a time I wanted something out of life (like you want to go travelling). I was with a man who agreed that he wanted it too. Five years later we were no closer to this "shared dream" and he admitted he'd never actually had any intentions of going ahead with it in the first place.

I hope this doesn't happen to you.

I am a friend

OP, I can see your point but I do think its very one sided as other posters have mentioned. His choices seem to be choosing between two of your choices.

I know you are both young and you are fully entitled to want to travel and to go do it but he is also fully entitled not to. he is also entitled not to stay in the relationship. It sounds to me like he doesnt like either option i.e. to go travel or to be in a long distance relationship. I think if you force him to go with you it will cause strain on the relationship and you need to make a call. Is it more important to you to go travelling or to stay with him?

Chucky the tree

MistyCheese wrote: »

Chucky, there are very few compromises that could be made in this situation. Daniboo wants to go, her boyfriend doesn't by the sounds of it. What middle ground could they reach? They can't half go, half not go.

I think there are plenty if you really want to find them. Why not go for 3 months and come home for a month and go for 3 months again or some similar alternative? Why not go for six months, him go for 3 and then she can stay on for 3 herself? If the cost is the problem they could split it, if I was the bf I'd have no paying half the costs for her if it meant I'd didn't have to spend at least a year apart and I really wanted to stay together. I think it's worrying that neither has really looked at these kind of alternatives/sacrifices though.

MistyCheese

They can only discuss problems if the boyfriend tells her what his problems are. Everyone is saying "He doesn't want to go, don't force him" but it sounds like he hasn't actually said this to the OP and that's really not fair. He's leading her on by letting her think that he wants to go too. He's told her that he wants to go too. So how can she make a big life decision when he's not being honest? She's basing her plans on "we want to go travelling" when that's not the truth.

In any case if one person wants to go travelling for a year they won't be happy with cutting that down to 3 months. And if someone wants to stay at home they won't be happy travelling for 3 months. So no-one is gettting what they want and neither of them are happy.

Of course the boyfriend doesn't seem to want to discuss anything anyway. What will happen down the line with other big discussions? When one of them wants to get married and the other doesn't, or one of them wants to have kids and the other doesn't? Will he continue to let her believe they are on the same page when he truthfully has no intentions of doing the things that he's told her he does?

analucija

Chucky the tree wrote: »

A bit OTT. Is he meant to be happy that he won't see his girlfriend for at least a year or should he just bottle up his true feelings instead? Completely opposite desires is fair enough, but for me personnally I'd never left my desires get in the way of a relationship with someone if I really loved them, I'd happily comprimise. The OP seems to have little interest in this and her bf probably realises this and that's bound to make him unhappy/angery. Ideally he should handle it better though.

No he should be honest. And that is the most important thing you owe to your partner. Not saying yes just to keep them happy. What compromise can you make anyway if somebody just says yes to anything you want and then secretly drags their feet. It's cowardly and unfair.

Chucky the tree

MistyCheese wrote: »

They can only discuss problems if the boyfriend tells her what his problems are. Everyone is saying "He doesn't want to go, don't force him" but it sounds like he hasn't actually said this to the OP and that's really not fair. He's leading her on by letting her think that he wants to go too. He's told her that he wants to go too. So how can she make a big life decision when he's not being honest? She's basing her plans on "we want to go travelling" when that's not the truth.

He's never said he wants to go travelling or will be happy doing. He has said that he will, now that could be a lie but considering he's only been given two option he is going with the one that makes him least unhappy, that won't necessarily make him happy though and that's the problem. With only giving him such limited options the OP is forcing her boyfriend into a decision that will make him unhappy.

MistyCheese wrote: »

In any case if one person wants to go travelling for a year they won't be happy with cutting that down to 3 months. And if someone wants to stay at home they won't be happy travelling for 3 months. So no-one is gettting what they want and neither of them are happy.

Eh, that's generally how compromising works. You make sure both parties are at least somewhat happy rather than just one party being really happy while the other one isn't.

MistyCheese wrote: »

Of course the boyfriend doesn't seem to want to discuss anything anyway. What will happen down the line with other big discussions? When one of them wants to get married and the other doesn't, or one of them wants to have kids and the other doesn't? Will he continue to let her believe they are on the same page when he truthfully has no intentions of doing the things that he's told her he does?

Well according to all the other posts she made there has been discussion However it seems that the OPs idea of discussion is telling the bf what will happen, and then giving him two options he can pick.

analucija wrote: »

No he should be honest. And that is the most important thing you owe to your partner. Not saying yes just to keep them happy. What compromise can you make anyway if somebody just says yes to anything you want and then secretly drags their feet. It's cowardly and unfair.

Fair point. He should tell her how he feels.

ash23

I'd be pretty miffed if my partner told me they were going travelling for a year and that my choices were to go or have a LDR for a year

I get that it must be frustrating for you that he won't tell you what he wants. but I think you can safely assume he doesn't want to go and I think if you let him, he will keep fobbing you off.

The main discussion to be had imo, is whether or not ye should stay together when you are gone.
He might not want to be in a LDR or he might feel that you being gone for a year will signal the end of the relationship. I always think that when one person goes off traveling, they are having all these new experiences and excitement. Whereas the person left behind feels the gap in their life more because their everyday life goes on.

ibarelycare

Danniboo wrote: »

He won't discuss it with me, that's been my point he just fobs it off and makes comments like the ones mentioned in your OP. If anything not considering your partners wishes/dreams is selfish especially since they've been supportive of yours.

I understand how frustrating it is that he won't discuss things with you, it sounds to me like he's trying to brush it under the carpet and hope it will go away. However he's in a very difficult situation and I imagine he might be brushing it under the carpet so he doesn't have to deal with it.

You say you've supported him in his dreams and his career, but (and correct me if I'm wrong) as far as I'm aware that didn't involve either a) not seeing each other for a year, or b) spending a lot of money and a year of your life doing something you don't really want to do. The sacrifice he's going to have to make either way is HUGE and, although I agree that he needs to face up to the situation and talk to you, I think you're being selfish by thinking that he should be agreeable to what you want to do.

You're going to have to sit him down for once and for all and have a serious talk about what's going to happen.

Danniboo

Chucky the tree wrote: »

What adult conversation do you expect him to have when your attitude is that the only thing that needs to be discussed is whether he goes or not? I'd expect adult conversations to involve so sort of alternative suggestions and adult conversations shouldn't involve dropping in some subtle joke. As for it being important, he probably realises how important it is to you and he also probably realises that travelling is more important to you than he is which can't be a nice thought for him.

How did you come to that conclusion, if I didn't care about him why would I try and get him to talk about it?


However, if he really can't have an adult conversation than fair enough, however from reading your other posts it seems that wasn't the problem










A bit OTT. Is he meant to be happy that he won't see his girlfriend for at least a year or should he just bottle up his true feelings instead? Completely opposite desires is fair enough, but for me personnally I'd never left my desires get in the way of a relationship with someone if I really loved them, I'd happily comprimise. The OP seems to have little interest in this and her bf probably realises this and that's bound to make him unhappy/angery. Ideally he should handle it better though.

How did you come to that conclusion, if I didn't care about him why would I try and get him to talk about it? Not everything is as black and white as you make out. Because I want to fulfill a lifelong dream before it's too late that means my boyfriend should feel less important. A lot of my bfs time is taken up with training for his career, he goes off to different countries for a few weeks at a time, does that mean I think his career is more important than me? No.

Danniboo

ibarelycare wrote: »

I understand how frustrating it is that he won't discuss things with you, it sounds to me like he's trying to brush it under the carpet and hope it will go away. However he's in a very difficult situation and I imagine he might be brushing it under the carpet so he doesn't have to deal with it.

You say you've supported him in his dreams and his career, but (and correct me if I'm wrong) as far as I'm aware that didn't involve either a) not seeing each other for a year, or b) spending a lot of money and a year of your life doing something you don't really want to do. The sacrifice he's going to have to make either way is HUGE and, although I agree that he needs to face up to the situation and talk to you, I think you're being selfish by thinking that he should be agreeable to what you want to do.

You're going to have to sit him down for once and for all and have a serious talk about what's going to happen.

I'm being selfish by wanting to follow my dream, fair enough then. I never said I want him to agree with me, he won't even discuss with me.

ibarelycare

Danniboo wrote: »

I'm being selfish by wanting to follow my dream, fair enough then. I never said I want him to agree with me, he won't even discuss with me.

I didn't say you were selfish for wanting to follow your dream. I said you're selfish for expecting him to accept it. As I said in my post, he has a massive sacrifice to make either way. Have you attempted to sit down and have a serious conversation with him? You've no other choice. I understand that this is something you really want to do but I believe your boyfriend is in a much worse situation. He has to choose between staying at home for a year without the person he loves, while she's living her dream OR take a year out of his career, spend thousands of euro so he can be with her.

P. Breathnach

I think that there are two problems, your one and his one.

OP, I think you might accept that your attitude might be summed up as "I'm going travelling; you can come if you want, but if you don't, I'm going anyway". And you are bothered that he will not discuss things.

Now let me guess what your boyfriend's attitude is: "Taking a year out for travel is not part of my life/career plan; I don't want to go; I'd be happier if she didn't want to go; I don't know how to deal with this".

Okay, I'm interpreting on the basis of limited information, so I could be wrong. But if I'm right, the crux is that he doesn't know how to deal with his problem. But he's not here seeking our advice.

It might be that you want two things that are irreconcilable: the relationship and the travel. You might be forced to choose between them.

Chucky the tree

Danniboo wrote: »

How did you come to that conclusion, if I didn't care about him why would I try and get him to talk about it? Not everything is as black and white as you make out. Because I want to fulfill a lifelong dream before it's too late that means my boyfriend should feel less important. A lot of my bfs time is taken up with training for his career, he goes off to different countries for a few weeks at a time, does that mean I think his career is more important than me? No.

I never said you didn't care about him, I said you feel travelling is more important than him. As for talking - you've just told him you are going away for a year and he can either stay or go with you. I think he'll feel less important because you want to fulfil that dream but seemingly only want to do it your way and not compromise at all. Do I really have to explain the difference between going away for a few weeks compared to a year?

curlzy

Hey Danniboo,

God your head must be wrecked. Will he still not talk about it honestly or has he grown up a bit?

Look at the end of the day we get ONE life. Your life's dream is to go and experience travelling the world for a year. This is ALOT of people's dreams so please don't believe the people calling you selfish. I honestly think the word selfish is more correctly applied to your boyfriend. He won't be a big boy and be honest, perhaps if he was honest about what he wants you could work on a solution but until he is honest why wreck your own head? You can only take him at his word. So I think you should take him at his word and work towards the travelling for a year, then it's up to him, he either comes with you (like he said he would) or he doesn't. If he doesn't, the decision becomes are you going to do long distance or call it a day? TBH if I were you I'd be calling it a day, I wouldn't want a partner that is dishonest about what he wants and unsupportive of my dreams. Especially considering you support him. What's good for the goose and all that.

Whatever happens OP, I really hope you can find a solution that you both are happy with, but if not, at the very least I hope you have an absolutely amazing time travelling.

MistyCheese

P. Breathnach wrote: »

OP, I think you might accept that your attitude might be summed up as "I'm going travelling; you can come if you want, but if you don't, I'm going anyway". And you are bothered that he will not discuss things.

I would sum it up differently. Danniboo's attitude was "I really really want to go travelling. It's very important to me. It's something I've always wanted to do and will always regret not doing if I don't. We could go together, or you don't have to come, I don't know, I don't have all the answers but I would like to discuss it with you. What do you think?" And the boyfriends response was "Yeah okay. We'll go travelling." So shoot Danniboo for daring to believe that he, you know, wants to go travelling too. She probably thought that because he told her he did.

I can't understand people having a go at the OP and saying "You've told him you want to go, he can come or not. That's not a discussion". At least she's tried to start a discussion and she's done that by laying what she wants on the table. It's then up to him to say "No, I don't agree with that part, or that part..." and they could go from there to see if some kind of compromise could be reached. Saying "Yeah babe, I want that too!" and then refusing to say any more on the matter is not a discussion either. It's dishonest, insulting and insidious.

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Now let me guess what your boyfriend's attitude is: "Taking a year out for travel is not part of my life/career plan; I don't want to go; I'd be happier if she didn't want to go; I don't know how to deal with this".

The boyfriend has every right to decide that he doesn't want to travel for whatever reason, it's completely his choice. However, he has not said to Danniboo "Look, I don't actually want to go." He's saying "We'll talk about this later." I just hope for the OPs sake it won't be true that "later" never actually materialises and 5 years down the line the boyfriend has got exactly what he wants (to not go travelling) while Danniboo's dream has passed her by because she's been waiting for him to discuss it. It's not nice being lied to for such a long period of time about something as important as what you want to do with your life.

Defiler Of The Coffin

If you really have your heart set on travelling then just go and book it. If your bf wants to go along with you he will. Be prepared for the fact he mightn't want a LDR though.

Princess Peach

I'm not sure what depth the discussions you have tried to have with him have been, but from the way you put it it seems like he does not fully believe you are going to go? Like when you said this time next year we will be away and he said we'll see or something along that lines.

You need to make it very clear to him that you plan on going no matter what his decision is, and that you are serious about it. Maybe he thinks if ye don't fully discuss it, you will give up on it?

I'm out of the country for the year and I told my boyfriend is was going to happen as soon as we began going out, and we discussed all our options.

Make sure he knows that this is really going to happen for you so he has to make decisions.

nkay1985

The way I see it, you have to think whether you're willing to break up for the sake of going travelling because I think that's what it may come down to in the end.

Once you have that clear in your mind, you need to be very straight with your boyfriend and say "I've decided that I'm definitely going travelling at some point in the near future. We need to have a proper discussion about this so have a think about it and we'll sit down on [insert day a few days away from this conversation] and talk it out to it's conclusion. It's been going on too long without any resolution so let's deal with it."

You need to have the full conversation, warts and all, but don't spring it on him and try to get him to really think about it in advance of that conversation. Until you both know exactly where the other person stands, you're nowhere.

I am a friend

OP do you not think that him not giving you an answer is an answer in itself?

username123

I am a friend wrote: »

OP do you not think that him not giving you an answer is an answer in itself?

+1

Danniboo, I think you need to just get on with making your plans. You can let him know what they are and if he wants to go he will go. But I dont think he wants to go - and thats fair enough. But its also fair enough that you want to and if you dont do it now, you'll never do it. So do it. You will totally regret it if you dont.

And who knows, maybe if you are meant to be together you could get back afterwards or maybe you might meet someone else or decide to stay in another country or whatever.

But I think your life plan is incompatible with his life plan for the forseeable future and you need to do what you need to do - travel.