Inspiration Needed!!

hoey

Hi,
I would really like to meet someone this Summer and am going to target it as a serious goal in my life! For too long I have complained about being single (although I do have loads of interests and plenty of friends, I am now 34 and one by one the rest of 'em have paired off and it's time I did the same myself!)..
But how to go about it....
I really don't think the pub scene suits me that well...I'm an outdoors girl, love sport, do loads of it - play tag rugby, do triathlons, cycling, swimming but despite all of that I still haven't met a good guy that I click with...
So I'll continue all my sporting activities as that's what I enjoy anyways, but I think I need to come up with a few other ideas if I'm going to achieve my target this summer..
Is there anyone else out there who was hopelessly single for EVER!!! and how did you finally get to hook up with someone?
I'm an easygoing, sociable gal and good company, perfectly presentable, adventurous and outgoing and I just don't know what to do!

My main interests are sport, travel, reading, yoga, meeting people...

I know there is internet dating and I will probably give that a go, but I live in a relatively small town so the prospect doesn't really thrill me...I could always travel to Dublin to try it once a month maybe...

I've got a few weeks holidays to take over the Summer too so has anyone any ideas for a holiday where I met meet a nice guy?? Like are there any courses/sporting events/festivals anywhere that might be fun and also be more likely to meet a guy..

I know you can meet a guy anywhere, he could be the guy in the flat upstairs like in those Barry's tea ads ...but cause of my advancing years ;)I'd like to make a concerted effort to meet a guy this Summer if possible and not just leave it to chance...

Ideas Pleeeease!!!!!

branbee

I know this sounds really patronizing but you come into this world alone and you leave it alone- sometimes yes it is nice to have a special someone to enjoy your life with but at the end of the day its your life. There is nothing wrong with living it yourself. If someone comes along that adds to your life well and good but just enjoy it as it is, no need to search for someone else. That person should be a bonus to your life if they come along not something you search for.

And this is coming from someone who has been dumped by her partner of six years and father of my child. I know how agonizing loneliness can be, especially when I've already shared so much of my life with one person. But really love your life independently of a partner and then if someone comes along they'll be an addition rather than the missing piece you've been searching for.

Once again sorry if it sounds patronizing.

hoey

Hi Branbee,
No I totally get that coming in on your own and leaving on your own and all that, don't worry I know you're not trying to be patronising! But still, I'm just at a point where I am going to make a bit more of an effort to meet someone, I'm going to try not to leave it totally to chance, okay so it mightn't work out and I mightn't meet anyone despite my best efforts but I still want to give it a go!!

And I do enjoy my life too by the way! I've plenty of interests, am lucky to have good friends and family so I know I'm very fortunate in loads of ways...
And while I'm very sorry that your relationship has broken down, I hope your 6 year old provides some fun too!

Ideas pleeease!!!!

hoey

Sorry, have no idea if your child is 6 or not! Misread the post..!

branbee

Thanks for that!
Im blessed i have her for cuddles right now coz boy do i need lots!

That's good, i know what you mean now! As long as its not to try and fill a gap, that's all! I didn't want to sound preachy or anything, i just really believe in people being truly happy alone and seeing a partner as an addition to your life as opposed to a need or a missing piece.

Have you tried being set up by friends? Not in an out and out date but introductions to single friends?

beks101

Fair play OP. I think being proactive and being honest and open with others - and yourself - about your hopes to meet someone, is a very admirable and honourable way of going about it.

Too often we hear the "he'll come along when you least expect it"s and personally as a former singleton (for years and years) it used to infuriate the bones of me. It always came from loved up people too. I'd always just think, "well at this stage I've given up expecting anything, and there's feck all coming along?? Explain that one? :rolleyes:"

Personally, my experiences and history with men/relationships over the years have ranged from disappointing to devastating :eek: A catalogue of flings, fcuk buddies, non-starters, crushes that went nowhere, falling for the wrong guy (a LOT of the wrong guys) and then the most fun - whole gaps of nothingness in between them all.

I sort of got to the stage where I had a serious dose of dating fatigue and just decided, fuck it, I'm done. I'm copping out, hanging up my hat and just moving the hell on with my life. I'm worth a hell of a lot more than this.

And I did. I turned the spotlight on myself. I started training for a marathon and started really taking care of myself - new hair colour, new makeup, lots of shopping, little things like getting my eyebrows done, taking a bubble bath, curling up with a book, things that I never really took the time to prioritise before. Not for any particular reason but to make myself feel good about myself and showering myself with love and attention if I wasn't going to have a man to do it for me!

I also started working on my work-life balance, which was shockingly off-kilter and affecting my social life in a big way. That's probably been the biggest change for me. I copped myself on and stopped saying 'no' and 'I'm working' to the big nights out, trips away etc and just started being a more social and better friend overall.

Which led to me meeting my boyfriend. I'm in a great social circle over here full of new Irish and Canadian friends and there's always a house party happening somewhere - I went from a no-show at most of them, to going to every single damn one of them, and of course that's where I happened upon himself.

I think because I stopped caring about dating and relationships - in my head I was sort of 'switched off' to it - the pressure was really off me in situations where I was meeting new people. A weird thing happened. I went from being sort of shy and quiet around guys I find attractive - maybe because of this massive fear of rejection, fear of being embarrassed, anxiety over how I was coming across - to being outgoing, open, friendly, personable with new people. I also became a big flirt, something I don't really think I ever was. I think it was moreso being friendly and confident made me realise that guys were flirting with me, and I reciprocated. A lot

So I saw Mr. bf at one of these parties and thought 'phwoar!'... but simultaneously didn't expect or want any interest from him, so I walked right up to him and flirted my ass off. Turns out he's a bit of a persistent fcuker and things pretty much went from there. The dating was a totally different game with him...we didn't really 'date', at least in the way that I had before. We became friends, hung out, shared each other's interests as friends do...I realised he was a bit of a gem. I trusted him as I do all of my friends - a trust I hadn't felt with a boyfriend for a long time, maybe ever. And I fancied the arse off him. So we became friends who kiss, then friends who kiss a lot, and then it became pretty obvious which way things were progressing.

So basically, I guess that's a long-winded way of saying, put yourself first. Pamper yourself, do something every day that will boost your self confidence - skydiving, chatting to that random stranger in the coffee shop, a long run, a new lipstick, whatever. And remind yourself every day of how awesome you are. You sound like a fantastic woman. You don't need a second half to fulfill you, you've a hell of a lot to be proud of in who and what you are, right this second. If some guy comes along who recognises all those things and can't believe how lucky he is, deadly.

In the meantime, flirt something stupid. I do think body language is one of the most important things here. Up until six months ago, mine was crap. I just had all these sh1tty experiences behind me that made me shut myself off romantically, I'd literally avoid eye contact if I met someone that I felt was a potential. I was so scared of getting hurt. My bf always says it was how open I was with him from the second I met him that drew him in. And he wouldn't have come near me if I hadn't approached him - he assumed I was with the guy friend I had come to the party with (who happens to be gay!)

So take a good, hard look at that. Are you good with eye contact, smiling, physical contact, open and inviting body language? When's the last time you approached a guy you were attracted to and what was the result?

The best of luck to you. Have fun!

Great post beks!
That's really put a smile on my face

dave3004

Hey OP,

I don't worry about such things but I will tell you something my Mum told me and it always sticks with me.

"Do what you love Dave, and the right person will love you for it".

Do ya catch my drift though…..When somebody ses the passion in you for your particular interest …. That’s where the real you lies and can be found and hopefully someone will find ya !

God I sound gay !

Babybuff

I genuinely (and nobody believes me) want to live in a monastery for the rest of my days. Watched a documentary on the Grande Chatreuse in the French Alps and decided I want to be a carthusian monk.

stephen_k

OP... In my limited (very limited some might say) experience, and from what I can see by my friends and family, you meet long term partners in one of three places... (obviously I know there will be exceptions to this rule)

1) School/College
2) Work
3) Friends of Friends

My advise is look closer to home, consider the guy you hadn't thought about in that way before... take a risk and ask the nice sounding guy on the phone, that you speak to everyday in work, out...

Worth a shot??

hoey

Mmmm, thanks for that Stephen...food for thought..definitely I do think that it is often through friends that people meet up. I work alone though so not much potential there, and my college days are well behind me unfortunately..

And I do think that you are right, if your mind is more open there's a good chance you might see someone in a totally new light and who knows where that could lead....

But I still would really love some concrete suggestions as to places to go or things that I might try doing, taking up some new hobby I mightn't have though of myself...

I want to give it a good shot this summer (not in a desparate way or anything, totally doing stuff I want to do myself anyways)...failing all by the end of the summer I might also start looking into that monastery in the French Alps;);)

Fluorescence

Hoey, have you read Yes Man by Danny Wallace? I'd really recommend it. It's a very light-hearted, funny book, but it makes you think. The basic message of it is to open yourself up to everything. Any opportunity that comes along, say YES to it. Going out tonight? Yes! Meeting your friend for lunch? Yes! Invite to a party that sounds like it'll be a bit crap? Yes!

Certainly, try meeting people in as many new ways as possible, but don't rule out the old either. Spend as much time out and about and generally socialising as you can, and you've an excellent opportunity to meet someone.

Best of luck in your adventures :P

LegacyUser

I am still waiting. I have had very few relationships. I dont think i can even call them relationships as i wasn't getting anything out of it. It only lasted a few months and felt very very used.

I would like to find him but not desperate to meet him right now. It would be nice to meet someone and not be so lonely, so if it happened now, it would be great.

I am 30 years old and the only place I would see men would be in pubs. Most of my 20s or all of it was spent going out to pubs as it was the only place friends would go. I am not a fan of pubs and drunk men. I am not a fan of drink and I cannot tolerate drink. So meeting men in a pub is not an option. I don't like the pub atmosphere.

I really dont know how else to meet them. I signed up to internet dating and i was sickened with how quickly conversations turned to sex, wanting sexy pics, phone sex etc. It seems they are only after one thing. If it wasn't that, they wanted to get my number instead of sending messages on the site. This is after a day or two which i don't think is enough time to be swopping numbers. I gave up on that.

What I am asking is where have other ladies met their other halves? And where can i meet one?

Is anyone else the same?

dellas1979

aloneandlost wrote: »

What I am asking is where have other ladies met their other halves? And where can i meet one?

Is anyone else the same?

But, there isnt a central repository of men somewhere waiting to be picked out. Jeepers, wouldnt it be great if was that was the way?

I guess what the OP is saying is how to put herself out there. OP you should start a blog or somethin so we can see how you are getting on.

hoey

Well, that central repository would be great alright...round all the eligible single men up and warehouse them somewhere, waiting for us to come along and take our pick hee hee!!

So far, I really have to thank beks for her reply, which is inspirational! and I will try to apply her suggestions..

as for a blog...well it might be interesting to do alright but I feel like I have enough on my plate at the moment, if I'm going to try and put myself out there a bit more... (still waiting for some concrete suggestions though..) ...also, the other thing I suppose is that I'm a fairly private person and I think I would be wary of writing a blog ...

I've also pretty firmly come round to the belief that pubs are not really the best way to meet new people. For example, a few months ago I saw this guy I liked the look of in a pub, and kind of made a beeline for him, but I think he was a bit put off or maybe not just interested. Anyways since then, as it happens I've got to know him slowly through sport, and he's a nice guy (though actually turns out I don't fancy him after all!) and we potentially will be good enough friends...but if we had got together for a kiss that night a few months ago I know it wouldn't have gone anywhere, and it would've just been awkward afterwards...so pub scene, just meeting people randomly without getting to know them, is not the best route I think...

Which leaves courses/classes/sport and ?? (ideas please!!!)...the trouble is it seems to be mainly women that attend classes and courses...I've done loads of courses and classes and while I nearly always have enjoyed them I don't seem to have met new guys through them....so what else is there???

inpiration pleeease!!!

PS - have ordered a copy of 'Yes man' from Amazon and am looking forward to reading it!

Hoey you really do seem to be hoping that someone can simply tell you where all the single men are. That's absolutely impossible. Everyone meets their partner a different way.

While you might feel that classes etc are full of women, I think you've missed the point that the more people you get to know, the more people you'll get to know!!! Noone can really give you concrete suggestions as to what hobbies you can do, you should take up something you enjoy, rather than something that will lead you to a man. It just doesn't work like that.

Things like boards meetups are a great way of making new friends. Online dating, speed dating, or single nights are really the only places you are going to find men who you know are looking for a woman.

John Mason

some people i know have had great sucess with the Matchmaker festival in lisdoonvarna

http://www.matchmakerireland.com/

Cassidys Pub on Westmoreland Street,Dublin 2 only has men in it on a Friday night, you could also try there

branbee

The other night i went to a meet up thru meetup.com and met a lovely guy and met a few nice people who Im seeing again too.
Worth a shot- i wasn't looking for a guy though-he just got my attention!

evilgannet

Well now Hoey,

I would fully agree with what an earlier poster said about treating yourself well, in fact I would go so far as to say that's the key, you need to actually reach the stage where you genuinely think you will never meet anyone and then come to the realisation that, you know what, I don't care, I'll just be good to me

And what happens then becuase you act really natural as if you don't give a [EMAIL="f@*k"]f@*k[/EMAIL] because you actually really don't then people especially men will find you very attractive.

As a guy who has been on the dating scene for quite a while here are a few suggestions.

1. Hillwalking club, you said you are an outdoors type and during the course of a days walking you get ample time to chat to everybody.

2. Photography course, a surprising number of men are into this

3. Fishing, very few women are into it so you would definately
meet alot of men. 90% plus and it's outdoors.

(That is if you could ever become genuinely interested in it, google Glenda Powell for example she thought me how to fly fish! And she does ladies only fly fishing days.)

4. Internet dating.

I want to qualify all three by saying a few things in relation to them.

Firstly as whoopsadaisydoodles says you have to find a hobby/passtime that you are genuinely enjoy, you may need to try lots of different things, so forgot about the 'I have to meet someone this Summer mantra' as if you try to hard you will just appear desperate and it won't work.

You need to find something that you enjoy doing for itself rather than as a means to an end and then you will give off an attractive aura.

Taking up golf because men like golf if you hate golf, just is'tn going to work.

Internet dating is the obvious one and it does work. However as a man who has dated alot of women using this method I'm aware that it's not for everyone. The key too it is to keep an open mind, it may sound cliched but everybody is different and just because your first two dates were assholes who demanded sex does'tn mean that the third will be.

Also if you like a man approach him, most men will take it as a compliment and trust me if he likes you he won't be shy in letting you know.

Hope this is of some help and best of luck with your search.

confuseddotcom

I came across something the other day about how a lady had convinced herself her true love was before her very eyes and she went about targeting different categories or means to find someone and in that particular article her target was a certain Capital Bus Company, travels on it every day for work and struck up chats with potential meets. She got 2 relationships out of it. Think she's single at the moment. :eek::D:pac: Awaiting her next article for next category!

Hillmanhunter1

Find someone you think you might like and ask him out - don't be shy.
If you don't like him, don't ask him out again, ask someone else, (just not his brother or best friend!)
If you want to be in a relationship then take the initiative, I think most men would be flattered to be asked out, I know I was when my wife asked me out.