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Deciding to bycott kids parties- looking for opinons?

  • 22-05-2012 3:24am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I am 27 years old. I have 11 siblings who all have children, there are 29 kids between them all. I am the only one who doesn’t have children as my husband and I are not financially ready yet.

    Ive being thinking about not attending any more birthday parties for either my family or friends kids. The reason being is 29 kids at 20e a gift(at the least) is over 500e - and that’s just my family that doesn’t include friends kids. Also all but 2 members of my family live a good distance away and as i don’t drive ive have to get taxis to these parties. One lives in Waterford which is 40 miles away- and 5 of these kids are hers so you can imagine the cost to go to her kids birthdays. ive have to get a train to Waterford, and even then she lives a 20 minute drive away from the station.

    Also at these parties im expected to mind the kids to give the parents a break, I cant count the number of times I have been handed an infant to mind at a party, or asked to bring a kid to the loo because the mams having a fag/cuppa coffee etc, and then the parent disappears for half an hour. People see me and say “Oh you need the practice- your next etc’ and I get some friend of my sister throwing her toddler at me to look after.

    There was a party Saturday in my sisters in Waterford and I was called a selfish cow by my sister for not showing up. She decided 2 days beforehand she was having a party so I got feck all notice, Her triplets were turning 8, so that was 60e before I had even travelled down to Waterford and I didnt have it!! I was called a liar for saying I couldn’t afford it, and was told “Its not like you have kids to support”. Apparantly being childless means I have no bills and I just have an endless supply of money.

    I just don’t see how fair it is that we are expected to spend money on gifts/taxis to these parties and be used as babysitters when we have no children of our own. I don’t mean to sound like a kid hating witch(as im not) but why should I go? Theres never any other childless people there, and even before one of my sisters had her 1st baby 2 years ago she was never expected to come to the parties- and she never did. Nor was she abused for not going! Also it’s a lot to spend on gifts, and like I said that’s just the kids- I still have 11 siblings and my parents / in laws /friends to buy birthday gifts for..

    And how am I ever going to be financially able to have children of my own if I have to shell out all that money just to go to birthday parties .


Comments

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    It's very simple you know, if you don't want to go or spend money, don't.
    If anything is said, they are your siblings, just be honest and tell them you can't afford it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭Distorted


    29 kids' parties in a year! That would be many people's idea of a nightmare. I would suggest maybe going to just 4 or 5 a year when you're in the area, but no doubt you'd be accused of favouritism. It might be better to "retrain" your family into expecting just a card through the post. Sounds like they are seeing you a bit as an unpaid helper when you're there anyway. Be more assertive!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 ✭✭✭LittleBook


    nokids27 wrote: »
    There was a party Saturday in my sisters in Waterford and I was called a selfish cow by my sister for not showing up. She decided 2 days beforehand she was having a party so I got feck all notice, Her triplets were turning 8, so that was 60e before I had even travelled down to Waterford and I didnt have it!! I was called a liar for saying I couldn’t afford it, and was told “Its not like you have kids to support”. Apparantly being childless means I have no bills and I just have an endless supply of money.

    Charming :rolleyes:
    nokids27 wrote: »
    Theres never any other childless people there, and even before one of my sisters had her 1st baby 2 years ago she was never expected to come to the parties- and she never did. Nor was she abused for not going!

    See the difference there?

    You are under no obligation to go to these parties, but you care about your nieces and nephews so by all means send them a gift/card on their birthdays and tell your sister who spoke to you like that to go an shíte.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,031 ✭✭✭petethebrick


    What are you at even going to these parties in the first place?? :confused::confused:

    They are parties for the kids end of. And €20 each for an 8 year old is far too much anyway. If you must give them all presents then some sweets or a €5 toy of some sort will do them.

    If my sister treated me like yours she'd be told to fcuk off


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,671 ✭✭✭BraziliaNZ


    I'm glad I'm not from a big family like this. But anyway, there was just me and my brother when we were kids, Aunts and Uncles were never expected to get gifts for us, never did either. I still love them to bits though, it's outrageous that your family expect presents for their kids even if there's only a few of them. It's outrageous they'd even expect you to remember their names or how many they have given they seem to be half the population of the sunny southeast!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,555 ✭✭✭✭AckwelFoley


    Wow,.that's a lot of parties. I've got one niece, and I've made her first birthday... That's it! That said we still get her a gift. As beruthiel said don't go if you don't want to,.I wouldn't refer to it as a boycott, but to be fair It's more than a little too much.

    The flip side If to put yourself in their shoes, and if you have a child and nobody turns up how you would feel about it, it can be difficult to do that until you are a parent but just something to think about.

    Either way I think that amount of birthday parties is nonsence... That's the equivalent of more than a kid's birthday party every 2 week's...crazy.

    Id start phasing it out personally and then attend only the major celebrations..ie communions etc.


  • Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    Children go to kids parties, and the adults usually are just there to tag along. To expect childless aunties and uncles to come to every kids party is crazy, especially with so many children in the family. Why would you? Its nice to see your relatives, yeah, but this is a bit much.

    You are perfectly entitled to say youre not going, without having to take abuse for it. Say no, and stick to it. Dont get pulled into a row over it, or try to justify it. Its a kids party, not a once in a lifetime thing. If and when you have your own kids, then youll have a reason to attend.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 82 ✭✭sexymama


    That's ridiculous!
    I never go to any of my nieces or nephews parties.
    When they turned 1 there were family birthdays but as they got older and went to school it was just friends and classmates.
    You are under no obligation to go.Just put a fiver in a card(if you wish to) and send it to the child concerned.29 children is an awful lot to be forking out for!
    If any of your siblings give out leave them to it.It's their problem. If my brothers said anything like that to me they would be told where to go! I have kids but going to all those parties would do my head in!!

    SM


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Have to agree with other posts OP I don't understand why your expected to attend an 8 year olds birthday party. When I was a kid my aunts and uncles didn't come to my birthdays [and I've a big family on both sides], cousins might come but only the ones that were the same age as me. Parents dropped kids off and came back and collected them X number of hours later after we'd run riot through my parents house and it was the same when I went to other kids birthdays, my parents never came with me, there'd be the mammy and/or daddy of the birthday person and maybe the odd relative or friend who'd be talked into helping out but usually they had kids of their own around the same age at the party. The only relative I got anything from present wise was my mum's sister as she was my Godmother, the rest would maybe call and wish me a happy birthday and that was it. It's the same at Xmas with such a large family and many kids my mum and her sisters and brothers divided up all the kids so each person was only buying two gifts rather then 20 and there was a strict limit on the amount to be spent.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,082 ✭✭✭Squ


    Your sister obviously doesn't give a fcuk about your side, so why give a toss about hers?

    Card in the post. Cash if you want. End of..

    For years we were all forking out for relations until i got a pain in my **** and said to the lot of them, "you dont buy for mine and i wont buy for yours!".

    They all approached me separately after saying they all wanted to end the tradition, but didnt want to be seen to be the scabby one.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 451 ✭✭wexford12


    If you have no children why would you go to a kids party. Parents only go to kids parties to drop their child off or stay if the child is to young.I'm surprised that your friends and family invite you to their kids parties


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,917 ✭✭✭✭iguana


    Is there any chance you and your siblings could sort out some future arrangement re-kids birthdays and Christmas. My dad's family is nearly as big as yours and as soon as they started having kids they decided between them that the family would grow too big to make giving presents to each child twice a year a realistic prospect. So gifts were limited to births and landmark birthdays like 18ths or 21sts. Perhaps your family can come to a similar agreement or else something like a christkindl at Christmas and a joint present from all aunts and uncles at birthdays.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    wow - Ive never gone to a kids party in my life - except when I WAS a kid!!

    Are they not for kids? Why would a childless adult go? I cant imagine anything more hellacious!!

    Tell your sister(s) that you have better things to be doing than providing free baby sitting at a childrens party! End of.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    wexford12 wrote: »
    If you have no children why would you go to a kids party.

    started off in my teens, my siblings would ring my mam to badger her into making me "help" at the parties. And every year since iv been expected to go come hell or high water.

    You mentioned also that at most parties people drop off their kids and leave, not in my family. The adults normally stay and have a cuppa and a natter while their kids play , or if its a summer party the adults have a few drinks and as i not a big drinker im used even more as a babysitter. At one party id decided to have a few bottles and got yelled at by my brothers wife because"you cant mind the kids if your drinking". Needless to say she got a bollockn


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,731 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    Take up a sport and thereby write off your availability for every Saturday of the year? Even if you don't actually go, it's a perfect excuse.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    29 kids? Since 3 are triplets that's 26 weekends in the year you've to give up to go to a stupid birthday party. OP, you are MAD giving them all €20 each time, that is just FAR too much considering there's 29 of them and you can be sure they don't appreciate it one bit.

    I hate people who expect others to just mind their kid while at a family event, it does my head in. Mind your own kid!!! Aargh. I would be telling them that you will not be attending any more parties and that's that. And I wouldn't be giving presents either - presents are for big milestone birthdays and christmas, not every birthday you ever have.

    By the way, I think the way they go on at you saying you need practice for minding the kids is so offensive, no you don't - you'll find your feet when you have babies yourself, you don't need to practice for it for feck sake!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,039 ✭✭✭MJ23


    I have no kids, 6 nephews, 5 nieces, and one on the way. I've been to all Christenings, communions and confirmations, 1st Birthday parties all with a card with money in it. Two of the kids are Godchildren and they're the only ones who get Birthday and Christmas money. The rest Will get something for their 18th and 21st. Its already enough as it is. Dont you how you let yourself get roped into going to all those parties. Quit it now, or they'll walk all over you. Dont mind them if they give out, fùck that shìt.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,899 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    tinker bell, with triplets it'd be 27 ;) kid 28 and kid 29 celebreate with kid 27.

    with kids presents you can spend way less. I've 2 girls and loads of nieces and nephews and find Smyths great for last minute cheap presents.

    play dough kits are only €5, crayola kits around the same. Water pistols can start at 99c. Boys tools kits can be got for around €10

    its always the cheaper presents they play with!!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    iguana wrote: »
    Is there any chance you and your siblings could sort out some future arrangement re-kids birthdays and Christmas. My dad's family is nearly as big as yours and as soon as they started having kids they. decided between them that the family would grow too big to make giving presents to each child twice a year a realistic prospect. So gifts were limited to births and landmark birthdays like 18ths or 21sts. Perhaps your family can come to a similar agreement or else something like a christkindl at Christmas and a joint present from all aunts and uncles at birthdays.

    That is what happened in my family. My parents,aunts and uncles all agreed not to buy us all birthday and Christmas presents. It worked a treat and I don't think anybody ever fell out with anyone over it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Daisy M


    I never invited my siblings or friends who didnt have children to my childrens parties, why would I? I had no interest in kids parties when I had no kids and only go now because my children are guests. When my chidren are past the age of parties I wont be going unless as a favour to help out family or friends but it will be my choice.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 ✭✭✭LittleBook


    Nokids27 wrote: »
    started off in my teens, my siblings would ring my mam to badger her into making me "help" at the parties. And every year since iv been expected to go come hell or high water.

    You mentioned also that at most parties people drop off their kids and leave, not in my family. The adults normally stay and have a cuppa and a natter while their kids play , or if its a summer party the adults have a few drinks and as i not a big drinker im used even more as a babysitter. At one party id decided to have a few bottles and got yelled at by my brothers wife because"you cant mind the kids if your drinking". Needless to say she got a bollockn

    Well aside from the "should I or should I not be expected to attend every niece and nephew's birthday party", it's clear that your siblings are treating you like a doormat. You've been an unpaid party helper and babysitter for years, that's how they see you, not as someone who they're inviting for the pleasure of their company. The nerve of these people!

    Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they love you and enjoy your company but in this context they're being completely selfish.

    And don't even get me started on your sister-in-law, cheeky bítch. :mad:


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 9,722 Mod ✭✭✭✭Twee.


    cymbaline wrote: »
    That is what happened in my family. My parents,aunts and uncles all agreed not to buy us all birthday and Christmas presents. It worked a treat and I don't think anybody ever fell out with anyone over it.

    Yeah I think there comes a point when there's just too many to be getting presents for! I have over 30 cousins on my mam's side and we now just buy for godchildren at birthdays and Christmas. You can give to others if you want, but it's not expected. Sometimes we'd send the littler ones a fiver in a card just because they still get so excited over getting post :D

    OP I'd ask your family to lay off the pressure, there's really no need to be going to all the parties, sure they'e just for the kids and their little pals. If you see them often enough anyway I don't see why it's necessary to go to the specific event. As for presents, I always think whatever you can afford is the limit, not how much is the norm or whatever. As said, a little toy/book/day out to a free event or museum can be far cheaper than cash in a card, and they'll often enjoy it more. The older kids, like over 12 say, would probably be delighted with €10 in a card, or some credit for their phone if they have one.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I get the feeling you are the youngest of the 11. This started off with you being a kid, and being brought along to entertain the younger kids.

    The problem here is, your family don't see you as an adult. They still see you as "the kid", the one they can talk down to and boss around.

    So only you can change that. You need to start demanding their respect. Not by stamping your feet and actually "demanding", but by refusing to allow them to speak to you and treat you as "the kid".

    If you get handed a child so the parent can go to the toilet, smoke a fag, whatever, hold onto the child for a while (to not to would make you look petty) then when the parent is finished, hand the baby back. Or pass it on to another person.

    If you would still like to go to the parties for the social gathering side of it, do. But don't be taken for a mug. And similarly don't sulk if you get handed a baby for a few mins... Just hand it back or pass it on... Like everyone else does!

    On the other hand if you just don't want to go to the parties, then be "busy" that day!

    You're 27 after all.. a grown adult, who is allowed have other things on. I'd be very surprised if ALL 11 siblings always attend ALL parties. Surely sometimes people have other things on.


  • Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    There are two separate issues here - the birthdays and the time and cost to you to attend, and separately, the way you are spoken to and treated when you do show up.

    I'd firstly reduce the amount of presents drastically - if people are bad mannered enough to ask why you are putting a fiver in a card instead of €20 gift, then tell them straight that you are spending far too much on gifts now there are so many children in the family.

    Now, personally, we have only ever bought for our godchildren in the family, and other nieces and nephews get a few quid at communion and confirmation. Nothing for christmas, and now I've just had my baby, I'd expect the same. Its too expensive for people.

    The other issue is how you are spoken to. I'd start with just replying in a mild tone "excuse me? what did you just say? thats a bit rude, dont you think?" and the same when it comes to minding the kids. Say it straight you have had all the practice you need, thanks. and anyway, the parties are a great contraceptive for you. ;) like somone has said, take up a hobby that takes up your time, or just say you cant make it that day, you have plans. Dont be guilted into it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I get the feeling you are the youngest of the 11. This started off with you being a kid, and being brought along to entertain the younger kids.

    Ha yes i am but only by 2 years - the other 11 range from 29 - 51 , and the older brothers (40-51) all have kids under 10 too
    If you get handed a child so the parent can go to the toilet, smoke a fag, whatever, hold onto the child for a while (to not to would make you look petty) then when the parent is finished, hand the baby back. Or pass it on to another person.

    And similarly don't sulk if you get handed a baby for a few mins... Just hand it back or pass it on... Like everyone else does!

    The thing about that is no one else ever takes the kids off me "Oh im having a cuppa, and "i have my own kids to mind" (even though theres kids arent anywhere near them) I end up stuck with a bunch of toddlers. On one occasion i went up to the mother of 1 toddler after her "Fag" lasting 40 minutes and handed her child back to her, and was called a selfish bitch cos she needed a break.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    If they are toddlers, I'd put them on the floor and let them "toddle". If they are smaller, I'd put them in the nearest bouncer/walker/buggy whatever and leave them be. They only expect you to do it because that's the way its always been.

    And like it or not you will always be "the baby", and will always be thought of as such. I was talking to a 75 year old man recently, who was the baby of his family... He said he STILL considered "the young fella" amongst his siblings and is regularly dismissed or talked over!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Daisy M


    nokids27 wrote: »
    Ha yes i am but only by 2 years - the other 11 range from 29 - 51 , and the older brothers (40-51) all have kids under 10 too



    The thing about that is no one else ever takes the kids off me "Oh im having a cuppa, and "i have my own kids to mind" (even though theres kids arent anywhere near them) I end up stuck with a bunch of toddlers. On one occasion i went up to the mother of 1 toddler after her "Fag" lasting 40 minutes and handed her child back to her, and was called a selfish bitch cos she needed a break.

    Would they speak to each other like this. I have to say there is no way you should be going to any of these parties even if you had children, you are been treated and spoken to so disrespectfully it is disguisting.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    nokids27 wrote: »
    Ha yes i am but only by 2 years - the other 11 range from 29 - 51 , and the older brothers (40-51) all have kids under 10 too



    The thing about that is no one else ever takes the kids off me "Oh im having a cuppa, and "i have my own kids to mind" (even though theres kids arent anywhere near them) I end up stuck with a bunch of toddlers. On one occasion i went up to the mother of 1 toddler after her "Fag" lasting 40 minutes and handed her child back to her, and was called a selfish bitch cos she needed a break.

    You are not your family's personal babysitter! Sorry but to me it seems they want you there to mind the kids and perhaps clean up the mess.

    I am thinking about you OP, how on earth would you have a life of your own with that many birthday parties to tend to....seriously? I know many large familes (smaller compared to yours) who do not go to any birthday parties. My family we never expected everyone to come and we also didn't expect gifts. When we did get gifts they were a small gesture.

    Growing up my favourite uncle was the one that didn't go to my parties. He was the one that gave us his time. The one that called and took us to places like the museum, zoo or park. That was far better and more memorable than any monetary gift or toy I received from the others. Not to say I didn't appreciate any gifts but growing up and looking back I found there is nothing worth more than giving your personal time. That shows how much you care because today, children lack this time with loved ones and it's being replaced with material things. I come from a very large family like you and any aunt or uncle that gave us their time (which is very hard to do for most these days) whilst growing up was more meaningful than a present.

    The best alternative is give them a ring on the day. Send a card in the post with a five noter if you wish or better yet make the time and take them out to the zoo or museum on one of those free days on another occasion. Easier to take one set of nephews and nieces than go to all their individual birthday parties. Besides, that would be far more memorable and fun for them to remember you as the auntie that takes them places or does activities with them. From what you have said, your siblings seem to be ungrateful, so no matter what you decide, they will never be happy enough. Seriously, I'd say do what's best for you at this point! Oh and our favourite uncle was the youngest one in the family who never married or had kids and the one his nephews and nieces miss the most now he passed away.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 388 ✭✭johnboysligo


    unregis'd wrote: »
    The one that called and took us to places like the museum, zoo or park.

    far nicer on the child and parents.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,852 ✭✭✭ncmc


    I’m sorry if this comes across as being rude or blunt OP, but it sounds to me like you have been a complete pushover so far. They know you are a walkover and they are treating you like crap because they know they will get away with it. I am in a similar situation to you, I am the youngest of 7 and have no children and if any of my siblings spoke to me the way you have been spoken to, I would walk out of the house and not return until I received an apology.

    It’s very simple, no one could be expected to go to that many parties every year, it’s crazy, especially as you are relying on public transport. Simple steps to take

    - Start by saying you can’t go to the parties – say you have something else on. If they say you’re selfish, reply by saying you have your own life to lead and it is they who are being selfish by expecting you to give up your weekend to go to a kids party.
    - Stop buying presents for all the kids, it is too much. Next birthday that comes up, say you are only buying for your God-children.
    - Start calling people if they make rude comments to you, they have no right to speak to you like that or question the way you spend your money
    - There will always be people who expect others to mind their kids while at a party, play them at their own game and refuse to do it or else return the kids straight away. Again, call them on it if they are rude to you. NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO SPEAK TO YOU LIKE THAT!

    This topic has made me so mad, as I hate people being taken advantage of. You have let them treat you like a total doormat OP, you need to grow a pair and stand up to them or else it will NEVER, EVER STOP!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,226 ✭✭✭boobar


    Beruthiel wrote: »
    It's very simple you know, if you don't want to go or spend money, don't.
    If anything is said, they are your siblings, just be honest and tell them you can't afford it.


    Couldn't have out it better myself...or agree more...and I say this as a parent of a 4 year old....I don't expect people to come to birthday parties....no offence ever taken for people who can't or don't want to attend for whatever reason.


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