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Ex husband being unkind
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17-05-2012 3:15pm#1
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this may not be much help but here goes. screw him
prove your independence and find your own answers, you'll feel better and stronger for it and you won't be dependent on him anymore.
what info are you looking for? if its your local area/local services? there's a regions section here on boards just find the one closest to wear you live, there's also Neighbours.ie that has a forum for many housing estate throughout the country. the folks in these places can be more than helpful with helping you find your way about and recommending local places to source things. theres also an accomidation and property section here if you have queries about renting/purchasing etc and there's probably a tax section to, but the revenue service here is pretty helpful with answering your questions if you call them. I'm Irish and i call them all the time with queries in relation to my tax affairs and they are more than helpful.
citizens advice http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/ also has a number of sections with basic Q&A about many topics, this can also help. you can also telephone them to talk to someone and they have a number of centers about the country
as for money well its the same as in the US, 100 cent in the Euro etc we just don't use names like quarters and dimes
. the only difference is we don't add state tax on at the end when you reach the register, the price its marked at is the price you pay (unless its labelled wrong) 0 -
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Hiya OP,
I'm sure everything seems so daunting at the moment! I don't think it would be unheard of that your ex could help a little bit considering the sacrafice you have made for him and your children. Leaving friends and family is a difficult thing to do so I wouldnt be beating yourself up about be anxious or worried.
You said you're living in his home town, would any of your ex's friends or family be willing to show you around? If not I agree with the other poster who said to just keep asking! Online, in shops, on buses etc. Everyone has had to do it at some stage in their lives and you'll be surprised on how helpful folk can be.
Best of luck settling in
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ChubbyRunner wrote: »I simply saw a bus go by the house one day, asked him does it go near the city and he wouldn't tell me.
Same re shops, I have two close by, Dunnes and Marks and Spencer, I asked him which is best for price, kids things and he wouldn't tell me. I'm not asking for him to write me a book on it just a quick "this place is cheaper than that, don't shop there, buy this here etc" would guide me along.
We had a huge fight last night because I took the baby for a walk in an area he thinks is unsafe this despite the fact I was there myself on Monday and he told me it was safe. :eek: I am starting to think the depression is making me paranoid.
To be honest, yes you need to stand on your own two feet. But in saying that for the love of God how hard can it be for him to answer a few simple questions?
I mean trivial stuff like asking does the bus go near town, which shop is cheaper and which areas to avoid are hardly needy, it would be one thing if you were calling him 24/7 with trivial things, but you say you ask him when he calls over. I mean seriously, this is normal everyday stuff people converse about.
He actually seems like someone thats going out of his way to be a dick.0 -
In a marriage breakup, sometimes the rules of normal behaviour dont apply.
But have you said that to him?
Of course I have :mad: I mean he knows!! Before we came over I had a panic attack, I freaked out because I knew I was coming here on my own as opposed to being in a relationship and I was terrified. He was so nice and told me not to be afraid, he would show me around and get me settled. I felt once I had that I would be okay.
He was here for three weeks before I came, he had promised to get the room we are staying in sorted out but of course that wasn't done so myself and the boys spent our first week in a hotel :mad: The extent of him showing me around consisted of a drive around at night, I would point out buildings and ask "whats that" and he wouldn't tell me.
Worse of all he told me he had me fixed up with a doctor and turned out that was a lie :mad: I'm just so p*ssed with him and I am starting to think leaving home was a huge mistake. My eldest is homesick and crying and I just want to join him.
Thanks for the advice you have given, lots of things to look up there, I have to have faith its the right thing.0 -
Maybe it's very black and white for him? Answering these questions could be the thin end of the wedge....ChubbyRunner wrote: »I simply saw a bus go by the house one day, asked him does it go near the city and he wouldn't tell me.
Same re shops, I have two close by, Dunnes and Marks and Spencer, I asked him which is best for price, kids things and he wouldn't tell me. I'm not asking for him to write me a book on it just a quick "this place is cheaper than that, don't shop there, buy this here etc" would guide me along.
We had a huge fight last night because I took the baby for a walk in an area he thinks is unsafe this despite the fact I was there myself on Monday and he told me it was safe. :eek: I am starting to think the depression is making me paranoid.
To be honest, yes you need to stand on your own two feet. But in saying that for the love of God how hard can it be for him to answer a few simple questions?
I mean trivial stuff like asking does the bus go near town, which shop is cheaper and which areas to avoid are hardly needy, it would be one thing if you were calling him 24/7 with trivial things, but you say you ask him when he calls over. I mean seriously, this is normal everyday stuff people converse about.
He actually seems like someone thats going out of his way to be a dick.0 -
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If he starts answering queries about buses and shops that you could research on your own he may be continuously be peppered by "which brand of beans are best" type questionsChubbyRunner wrote: »0 -
If he starts answering queries about buses and shops that you could research on your own he may be continuously be peppered by "which brand of beans are best" type questions
I don't think so As I explained we are in his home town so he knows this place really well. I'm not asking him to go seeking out information for me, I would not expect that but just make conversation.
Yes I could spend time looking at the pros and cons of X store vs Y store but I have enough to do right now, would it kill him to just give me a heads up and save me some time? :mad:
And its not like I asked "can you find out which bus goes where because I'm too lazy" - we saw a bus, I asked if it goes near Dublin and he just refused to answer me.
Please tell me this is not normal 0 -
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I don't think you're being needy at all. It's the most natural thing in the world to help someone when they're in a new area that you know like the back of your hand. I understand it's a tricky situation combining moving to a new area (for you) and moving home again (for him) while learning how to no longer be a couple, but you're his children's mother, so surely helping you helps them.
Is there any chance he didn't want you to come to Ireland?
Do you know his family from before, and, if yes, have they been welcoming or are they 'off limits' as well?
I think he's being very unreasonable, but I suppose you've two choices: find a way to do it without him or move back to America. I wouldn't waste precious time, energy and emotion trying to drag blood from a stone. Maybe he's got stuff going on that's wrecking his head and making him act unreasonably, but if you're both completely sure the marriage is over, and are at peace with that, then perhaps you just need to dig deep and tap into your own reserve of survival skills.
I wish you all the best - and hope the pluses soon start to outweigh the minuses. 0 -
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I feel for you OP. I moved here four years ago not knowing a soul. My husband was working and didn't have time to tell me anything!
What saved me was my nosy nature and my sat nav! Every day after finishing the housework, I would set up my sat nav and go on an adventure! I drove around Cork City, went out to Blarney, did all sorts. The food shopping was a bit of an adventure too. All the stuff I was used to take for granted at home (London) is either very expensive here or simply not sold!!
But for food shopping: I would avoid Marks and Spencer for a start - Mega expensive and I would only go there for nice desserts and ready-made meals.
I would recommend:
Tesco
Dunne's
Superquinn (not sure where you are, but if you're in Dublin, should be easy enough to find)
Lidl/Aldi (Discount stores, but the quality of the fruit & veg is excellent - far better than Dunnes/Tesco. Aldi have excellent cheeses and wine too)
There's also Argos (for household things/kids toys/anything in between)
However - Marks and Spencer are good for kid's uniforms/clothing. Good quality and you can usually get a deal beginning of autumn term.
Debenhams - Good department store, but VERY pricey. Wait until they have they have a sale (Which is frequently!), and buy then.
Here's the link for Bus Eireann. Have a look on here for the local bus timetables: http://www.buseireann.ie/
Are your older kids in school yet? Why not invite some of their friends round for tea and get chatting to the Mum's? If not, then get them enrolled in a playgroup ASAP, and try to make friends that way. In the same manner, you'll also get local recommendations.
Treat the whole experience as an adventure. You've got a great opportunity here, so go for it, and stuff your ex!! Leave him to the kerb...
Hope this helps! Welcome to Ireland and Good Luck!!0 -
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OP
sorry if you don't want to hear this and I might be totally wrong - but have you considered that he is behaving like this in an effort to force you to go back home?
Think about it - despite knowing you had nowhere to stay and were arriving with his son - he did nothing. All this says to me is he is a man who is desperate to avoid any ties at all costs.
As sad as it is maybe you need to think about why exactly you are putting yourself and your young son through this for a man who clearly is too immature to care what he is doing to his family - yes I know you are not together but his actions are directly impacting his son.
6 months? I think I would revise that schedule - however check into if there would be any problems in you leaving Ireland with his son. The last thing you need is him contacting the gardai accusing you of kidnap - not trying to be dramatic here, just thinking a bit further down the road.
I have thought of that, I'm not sure though, I actually thought he planned on moving back on his own after our marriage broke down but he was very clear he wanted me to come too. We have a young baby too - 5 months - and he told me if I stayed he would be a stranger to his own son and I couldn't let that happen.
I don't know where I stand if I go home. I'm starting to think maybe he has played me knowing that I can't take the kids home
Thanks for that Taltos, I think you've made me look at the bigger picture and made me see I might need to get legal advice, I would never have thought of that otherwise0 -
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Thank you all so much. I had a good long talk with my mom yesterday and she reminded me of how I moved from NYC to SF on my own in my early 20's and I was the same then. But I settled in and made it home and that was more of a transition in some ways
She agrees he is being selfish, as she says if I came here with a broken leg he would help, my depression is just as valid and he should accommodate that.
I am going to talk to him again tomorrow when he comes for the boys and just ask him to cut me some slack. I don't need him at my beck and call but I just want some help on making the transition easier because if its easier for me it will be easier on the boys.
Once I get my first paycheck I can start making the place more homely which will help too, I will have money to explore and get my bearings. I have started looking into groups I can join to meet other people and things like that.
So its a start, I don't know if this country will ever be home but I have to try. If only the weather was nicer, I miss sun sooooo much 0 -
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