How do I tell them I would rather my Dog at the birth than you.

Coal1978

Hi Guys

New here, I'm due to give birth at anytime now and I have a huge problem, I can't even sleep it's annoying me that much.

My husbands mother and sister want to be at the birth of our first baby, for a start since I met them they have been nothing but cruel to me but I say nothing for my husbands sake. Bottom line I don't want them in the room when I give birth, they are more than welcome to be in the next room and see the baby ASAP after we meet our little one and have our moment.

I will be accused of shutting them out, I know that they are nana and aunt and can have a huge part in the babies life as long as it's positive.

The slap in the face for them is, because we are having a home birth I can have people in, I decided with my husband that it will just be us, the midwife and our dog. The dog has been with us since day one and we are very attached. I thought this would solve anyone feeling left out but they will see it as I picked a dog over them.

Help......

Morag

Time to tell your husband and then tell the midwife who you do and do not want in the room.

iguana

Well first off just don't mention the dog to them, there is no reason for them to know that. Secondly just make it clear that giving birth is a personal act to you and you don't want an audience. Or better yet make sure your husband makes that clear to them as they are his family.

I know some people enjoy having family/friends around them for the birth but personally my rule is that if you aren't a relevant medical professional or you weren't there for the conception, you won't be there for the birth.

KKkitty

OP It's your birthing experience and it should be as you want it. Your in laws don't need to be in the room and that point should be made very clear to them. Good luck with the birth and hope all goes well

Coal1978

[Quote=iguana;78614304

personally my rule is that if you aren't a relevant medical professional or you weren't there for the conception, you won't be there for the birth.[/Quote]

Lol the dog was there for the conception, she sleeps in our room with us, she gets on the bed and barks everytime my husband try's anything.

Neyite

Have they suggested or assumed that they will attend? If not, then you may be worrying for nothing. Do you even have to tell them? I'd just tell them after baby is born and you and your husband have had a little time alone with baby, to be honest.

At birth, you need the people who love you and support you there, not people who have held a dislike for you. And I'd have no problem saying it. But, your husband should be your spokesperson here - make it clear to him that he needs to make it very clear to them for you.

I dont plan on even letting my mother know when I'm in labour, she will get a phonecall after baby has arrived and we have had our little hour alone with our first born, as she is a worrier - then I would worry about her worrying, she has zero patience so if she didnt hear anything after an hour or two she would be visualising me going through all sorts of medical traumas. She would also be continually texting me or my partner and getting worked up if she got no reply, and I need myself and my partner to fully concentrate on the job at hand. He is no good to me out in the hall texting anxious grannies!

I told her this, and initially she got a bit of the hump, but I explained why I wanted it to be just us concentrating on birthing our baby without interruptions or outside concerns and she was fine about it.

LegacyUser

speaking as someone who doesn't have kids, but DOES have a bit of personal dignity surrounding who sees my lady bits - my stomach actually did a flip as i read your post, op!!!

i feel exactly the same about my inlaws and there's no earthly way i'd let them share in the most personal, private special moment that really should be all about you and your husband. (and mutley!). just remember, if you or your husband do have to explain that you don't want them in there, and if they have a problem with it or give out to either of you for it - it's more a reflection on THEM, not either of you two.

any reasonable person would just take no for an answer, realise that they'd crossed the line, and be happy to meet the newborn when mam and dad (and dog!) have a chance to spend some time with the baby first. not letting them at the birth might also lay the groundwork for any issues you may have to deal with in the future like them having an undue say or right or opinions on how you're raising the wee one? just an idea!

pushki

It is your body and you should not have them there if you don't want them. Giving birth is such a private and intimate experience it should be comfortable for you. it is not for entertainment!!! you should tell your husband what you want and he should be supportive regardless of how put out your family feel!
To be honest id prefer any of my animals to be present at my babys birth over any human but that's just me :-)
Best of lucky

edellc

I know how you feel OP if my OH's family had gotten the chance they would have been in the delivery room with me, thankfully I live in a different county to them so that didnt happen, however the mother arrived into me within a couple of hours of me having our little fella, when all I wanted to do was sleep was so annoyed with her.

Its time for you to man up, giving birth is a very private thing when everything is on show and its not something that is dignified, you deserve it to go whatever way you want it to go regardless of what your husband wants or his family tbh, it is you that is going to be doing all the hard work and you dont need people gawping at you.

Sit you hubby down and tell him how you feel and that you want this to be a intimate moment just like the conception, also do you really think that if they are in another room that they will stay there??? I know my OH's lot wouldnt have and would have barged in just to see how I was getting on, so if you are letting them in another room then make sure that your hubby is aware that another room means another room and not sticking their head round the door every five minutes

Best of luck with the birth OP I really hope you get the experience you want and all goes well

peace and love x

The Princess Bride

Coal1978 wrote: »

My husbands mother and sister want to be at the birth of our first baby, for a start since I met them they have been nothing but cruel to me.

The slap in the face for them is, because we are having a home birth I can have people in.

Hi OP.

The fact that they've been horrible to you for a long time would be enough of a reason for me,tbh.
I would be very firm-your husband needs to be too-
I know it'd be a lie,but could you tell them that because it's your first,the midwife has said she doesn't allow anybody in the room except the husband-standard policy,perhaps?
Blame the midwife-that way they won't fall out with you.

Tbh, I wouldn't want anybody else in the house,let alone in the room.

One more thing, if they start ruling the roost before the baby arrives,you just might find yourself posting here in weeks to come,because they keep dropping in unannounced and telling you how to rear your own baby.

Best of luck and enjoy motherhood!

Big Bag of Chips

If they've been horrible to you in the past, why are you worrying about sparing their feelings and how best to word it?!

Just straight out say no. On the day if they try to get in, the midwife will firmly tell them where to go, anyway.

Just tell them nobody but your husband will be in the room with you, and its not up for discussion... don't mention doggy!

If they continue to mention it, I would actually laugh at them, as if their joking, and say nothing else!

Edit: If that doesn't work you can say... "oh ok then, just so long as you promise I can go to your next smear/breast check"

The Big Red Button

Jesus ... I am extremely close to my own mother and sisters - but would be in NO way comfortable with any of them being there as I gave birth - let alone any inlaws! :eek:

Just don't tell them til it's all over and done with. Probably the easiest solution! Once labour starts, turn off the phones, and forget about everyone else until you're ready.

ash23

OP you will most likely not want people there anyway. I remember when I was going into labour and my whole family were there, I was wishing them all away. And I get on really well with them.
If I were you I wouldn't even tell them when my labour started.
If they get snotty about it just say that much as you care about them (not!) you don't want them seeing you in all your naked grunting glory.
I'm assuming your hubby will back you up on that?

lazygal

Are you giving birth in Ireland? A lot of the maternity hospitals have a strict partner only rule (or mother/sister etc, one person only though) for labour and delivery. At my antenatal classes a few ladies asked about having their mum and partner there, but no, its only one person allowed. Also, visiting can be very, very strict. A friend who gave birth recently was only allowed to have her partner visit as there was a bug in the hospital, even grandparents were not admitted.

I am giving serious consideration to not having any visitors apart from my husband in hospital after the birth as I know how I work and wouldn't relish visits from my inlaws. I may want to see my mum, but that's a different relationship to my mother in law. We are going to see how things pan out but I'm leaning strongly towards not telling anyone i'm in labour and calling them well after the birth, with a proviso on visiting only when I'm up to it, which may be only when I get home.

Rosy Posy

I agree with the other posters here who say that there's no way you can allow these people to intrude on your birth. Since they are your OH's family then it really is up to him to stand up to them. Both he and the midwife should be advocating for you while you are giving birth, and if having them present makes you uncomfortable then this can only impinge on the progress of your labour. It makes a big difference.

In my last labour I went into labour alone and first my husband came home and then each of the midwives arrived separately- every time a new person came into the room the labour stalled.

Another cautionary tale: a friend has a very domineering MIL who insisted in being present at their home birth (my friend is sweet natured and like you didn't want to rock the boat). She ended up spending the majority of her labour locked in the darkened downstairs loo hiding from her MIL who was pretty much hosting a tea party in the living room!

+1 for having pets at the birth-our cat was very attentive in all my labours and was a lovely calming influence...I'd definitely take him over my mother (who would freak out) or my MIL (who would try to tell me why I was doing it wrong)

All the best for your birth

Sleepy

I'd ask your doctor about the dog being present. It just doesn't sound like a good idea to introduce a possible source of infection to an already less than perfect environment for a birth...

I'd certainly make sure you check driving times to the nearest hospital etc. should something go wrong. Obviously it's unlikely but there's a good reason why the outcomes for both mother and baby have improved greatly since the majority of births occur in hospitals which are prepared for any complications instead of homes with animals and crowds of women in them.

MJ23

Be firm with them. Tell them no way can they be there. How did they get the idea about how they could be there? I'd leave the dog out of it too, it'd only be ammo for them to throw back at you. If you dont lay it down for your inlaws they'll walk all over you and tell you how to dress and feed your new baby.

Rosy Posy

Sleepy wrote: »

I'd ask your doctor about the dog being present. It just doesn't sound like a good idea to introduce a possible source of infection to an already less than perfect environment for a birth...

I'd certainly make sure you check driving times to the nearest hospital etc. should something go wrong. Obviously it's unlikely but there's a good reason why the outcomes for both mother and baby have improved greatly since the majority of births occur in hospitals which are prepared for any complications instead of homes with animals and crowds of women in them.

Not to drag this thread off topic but...my OH is a doctor and neither he nor the midwives ever had a problem with the cat being present at our births

Personally, in these days of MRSA and the like, I think that you're much more likely to expose your self or your child to infection travelling to a hospital full of seriously ill people than to give birth in your own home which is full of the germs that your body is used to. In my experience, the midwives are trained to monitor the situation carefully and suggest/insist on a transfer if it is necessary. As long as you have a good midwife who you have faith in and who has good stats you have nothing to worry about, OP. Anyway, the OP is not asking about whether or not to have her baby at home, only how to deal with her inlaws.

Sleepy

I'm just suggesting that she's taking unnecessary risks with her delivery and that the more sensible alternative of having her child in a hospital would deal with the issue of the unwanted guests.

While I'm sure the midwives know exactly when they should transfer someone to a hospital, the time involved in transferring to a hospital which has the necessary equipment and expertise could be the difference between life and death for mother or child. I'm aware that home-births are relatively safe but for someone who's a professional in the area I'm amazed your other half allowed you to accept the unnecessary risks involved in one for such no benefits (never mind allowing a creature as filthy as a cat into a birthing room).

Iwasfrozen

Coal1978 wrote: »

Lol the dog was there for the conception, she sleeps in our room with us, she gets on the bed and barks everytime my husband try's anything.

That's creepy to say the least op...

Big Bag of Chips

Just on a tangent to what your thread is about.. you say they have been nothing but cruel to you, and you let it go (for your husband's sake)... THIS is the only reason they are expecting to be at your birth.

You have never stood up to them. You have never demanded that they treat you like an adult and with respect. So therefore they think they can do say what they like, and you will allow it.

I know now is not the best time to tackle them on this, but I would start with small things (and saying "No" to them at this point, should be your starting point.) And start standing up for yourself against them.

You wouldnt accept their behaviour from a friend, or a neighbour, or a random stranger in the street, so why allow them to get away with treating you badly. Just because they are related to your husband?

You're husband should be able to stand up for you, but maybe because of his upbringing, he is now "conditioned" to them and may never be able to stand up to them.... BUT You are an adult in your own right, and don't need someone else to fight your battles for you.

Sorry to drag this slightly away from your main issue - but bit by bit start saying No to them, and start suiting yourself (who cares if their nose is out of joint, they'll soon figure out they don't get to dictate your life anymore, and back off) Otherwise they will not only be at your birth but they will be making all decisions to do with your baby, coming in taking over and disregarding anything you and your husband say you want for your child.

I also just want to add, the first few moments when you "meet" your baby are the most special precious moments you will EVER have. It is a lovely time and one that you will only have once. Don't let it be ruined by people you don't like!!

P. Breathnach

Coal1978 wrote: »

... but they will see it as I picked a dog over them....

Of course they will see it that way, because that is exactly what you are doing.

And it is your absolute right to do that. You are entitled to whatever privacy you wish at an event like this, and to share the event with whomsoever you choose. Just tell your in-laws that you would not be comfortable with too many people in the room: it's the truth, and they have no good argument to make against it. And it's not targeting them in particular: you are not including any of your blood relatives, your neighbour down the road, or the postman (who is an expert in deliveries - sorry!).

I think you should have further thoughts about the dog. If she is so protective of you that she barks at your husband when he tries anything, how might she react if you are going through the throes of birthing, struggling and moaning, while your husband and another person seem to be "at you"?

username123

Tell the in-laws to get a grip on reality! Who would want their in-laws present while giving birth? I mean seriously! Did they want to be present at conception? Do they follow you into the toilet when you want to defecate? I cant imagine anything more inappropriate myself! Just tell them absolutely no way and if they are acting funny about it let them - its totally their issue! Thats just weird that they want to be there, have some social appropriateness people!

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I think you should have further thoughts about the dog. If she is so protective of you that she barks at your husband when he tries anything, how might she react if you are going through the throes of birthing, struggling and moaning, while your husband and another person seem to be "at you"?

Totally agree, Im a dog lover myself, but I wouldnt have a dog present while I was giving birth. You are anthropomorphisising the dog. The dog is not a person with opinions. The dog is a pet. The fact the dog guards you against your husband making advances is a sign that the dog has ideas above its station. It wouldnt be a good plan to have an animal like that in a medical situation where a slippery baby is being born. Even the unpredictable nature of the midwife possibly tripping over the dog would make it a no no for me. But your dogs behaviour is a serious warning sign. You dont want anyone getting bitten.

Coal1978

My husband is a consultant surgeon and I'm a nurse so we are not worried about home birth at all.

solerina

To be honest I dont see the problem....JUST SAY NO... its rediculous that they even thingk they should be allowed to be present...

Sleepy

Coal1978 wrote: »

My husband is a consultant surgeon and I'm a nurse so we are not worried about home birth at all.

Why? Because you're medical experts are you immune from complications? I know a certain amount of self-confidence is a requirement for a surgeon but that's just pure arrogance. If your husband happened to be a consultant ob/gyn and had a full hospital of equipment at his disposal in your home it might make a home birth as safe as a hospital one but since that's not the case you're taking unnecessary risks with both your life and that of your child.

Coal1978

My water broke at half 3 this morning, I'm just in bed online trying to keep myself from getting fed up. I'm at the boring stage of this, my little dog is here snuggled beside me.

xzanti

Coal1978 wrote: »

Hi Guys

New here, I'm due to give birth at anytime now and I have a huge problem, I can't even sleep it's annoying me that much.

My husbands mother and sister want to be at the birth of our first baby, for a start since I met them they have been nothing but cruel to me but I say nothing for my husbands sake. Bottom line I don't want them in the room when I give birth, they are more than welcome to be in the next room and see the baby ASAP after we meet our little one and have our moment.

I will be accused of shutting them out, I know that they are nana and aunt and can have a huge part in the babies life as long as it's positive.

The slap in the face for them is, because we are having a home birth I can have people in, I decided with my husband that it will just be us, the midwife and our dog. The dog has been with us since day one and we are very attached. I thought this would solve anyone feeling left out but they will see it as I picked a dog over them.

Help......

OMG.. giving birth is one of the most intimate moments of your life, I'm sorry but how dare they even ask to be there :eek: that's shocking..

That would be my worst nightmare.. I remember when I was about to pop, I didn't even want anyone coming to 'help' me out around the house towards the end.. or with the baby after he was born.. I told everyone they were more than welcome to visit.. but no help was needed, thank you very much.

This is possibly the most stressful time in your life as well, you need peace and tranquility right now.. You shouldn't even be put in this position.. Your OH needs to understand this and tell them in the nicest possible way..

I'm sorry to say it, and I know I probably sound like a right cow.. but you really need to stand your ground here.. People need to know their place in this process..

LegacyUser

Its a extremely private and intimate ordeal, no way in gods name would I have any of my family present. When my wife gave birth, they weren't told until after, I didn't want them at the hospital. Having said that, my wife gets on great with my family.

Good luck, hope all goes well!!!

Ickle Magoo

Sleepy - the OP was not asking for opinions on birthing options, can you stick to offering advice on the issue the OP actually posted about please.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven’t done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.


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Rosy Posy

Congratulations OP, you are about to become a mother! If you're still worried about the inlaws showing up I think at this point the best thing to do is not to call them until after the birth. If they get in a snot (which they most likely won't what with the good news) just say that you got caught up in the heat of the moment and weren't thinking of texting/ringing people. Have a wonderful birth...and if you get a chance post your story in the birth stories thread- we need a few more positive home births in the public eye!

hattoncracker

Coal1978 wrote: »

My water broke at half 3 this morning, I'm just in bed online trying to keep myself from getting fed up. I'm at the boring stage of this, my little dog is here snuggled beside me.

Oh!!!! Fair play!!!!

curlzy

Hey OP,

How exciting!! I wonder if you have had your baby yet ?

I met my mam for lunch at 1 today and I told her about this thread. The both of us were rolling around laughing at the audacity/arrogance of your MIL/SIL, it really is mind blowing. My mam had a very novel idea, she's said to fill the table beside you with heavy breakables. Then let them in and use them as target practise, as you heave each heavy thing at their head tell them, in as colourful language as possible, exactly what you think of them. Tee Hee, could be cathartic and I'm sure would help take your mind off the pain.

I hope everything is going well for you and doggie is behaving himself and giving you plenty of encouragement and support.

All the very best.

Dolbert

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

How exciting!! I wonder if you have had your baby yet ?

She has

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=78620271&postcount=97

curlzy

Dolorous wrote: »

She has

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=78620271&postcount=97

"13:05pm weighing 6 lbs 3oz, Christopher Robin was born. Lol he is a little ugly old man...... Just like his dad lol." for those too lazy to click.

Thank you Dolorous, that is just wonderful news, and Christopher Robin is a lovely name, she'll probably have Winne the Pooh all over the nursery. It's great to hear such lovely news and a lovely way for a thread to end, it's unusual for this forum :):)

Ickle Magoo

As the OP is no longer in need of advice, I'll lock the thread.

Congratulations, OP. :cool: