I don't want my father to walk me down the aisle <<Mod Warning Post #1>>

LegacyUser

I don't like the idea of a father 'giving his daughter away' at her wedding, for the same reason I was glad my fiancé didn't ask his permission to marry me: I associate them with a time when women were their father's property until he passed them on to their husbands.
I'm worried about saying this to my father, however. He IS quite traditional and was genuinely annoyed when he wasn't asked about marrying me. I tend to think 'tough luck, it's my wedding and this isn't the Middle Ages', but at the same time he's still my father. I want him to be ok with it and understand it means nothing against him.
I'm 100% sure I don't want to be given away, so there's definitely no negotiating that, but does anyone have suggestions on how go break it to him? I tried to talk to my mother about it but she just tried to convince me to 'humour' my father. Is there anyone else here that has done/is doing this? Any advice would be appreciated.


Mod Note

I get that this is an emotive issue - however please let's leave the discussion as to the correctness of the request to one side.

The OP has asked for advice on how to proceed having decided not to have her father give her away. Any further off topic discussions or debates will be treated as breach of charter and will be dealt with accordingly.

username123

Just tell him youre not doing the giving away bit because you (as in both you and your husband to be) dont want to.

Dont make a big deal of it. If you make it a big deal he will perceive it as a big deal.

Just be nice and jolly hockey sticks about it, no giving away, thats grand then.

chocolatrose

I'm curious as to why you feel this is so insulting to women to have their father give them away???

Your father was the man who brought you into the world, gave you life, and is usually the most prominent male role in your life until you settle down, marry, and have a family of your own.

Not always the case as some father's don't deserve that pleasure to walk their daughter down the aisle. Unless your father was horrible to you I can see how he would naturally be upset. Out of pride alone this is what a father looks forward to when he brings a daughter into the world.

Personally, my father won't get the chance as he has passed but if I could have him back just so he could fill that role someday when I will marry I would in a heartbeat. It's important for a father daughter relationship.

tSubh Dearg

How about having both your parents accompany you down the aisle? Then it's not you being "given away" but being supported into your new married life by the people who were there for you at the beginning of your life.

hondasam

OP fast forward to when you have children yourself and imagine how you would feel if the person you have brought up, loved did everything for turned out to be so unwilling to consider your feelings.
Fathers like to walk their daughters down the isle and some mothers do it as well, it's not giving a daughter away it's gaining a son.
I don't understand why all of a sudden this is an issue for some couples, it's tradition and some things should be carried on.
That's my opinion on it anyway.

saa

I'm not having anyone walk me down, look traditions change as well its your wedding and you have to stand your ground and involve him in other ways, don't worry about what others think because begrudgingly having someone walk you down the aisle when you don't want it would be many times worse than talking to your him about it. I love you and I want you to know that I really want you there to support me and to.. but even though I know you would be more traditional when it comes to weddings thn me I hve to say there are some aspects of the ceremony that dont feel right for my wedding and its not because of you but one of the aspects of the ceremony I feel that I need to alter is.. I will be walking up the aisle alone/with because this person has.. or you can explain what it means to you ie what being given away to you means and that you feel more comfortable or symbolically that walking up on your own is what you feel most comfortable with.

So my partner assumed my Dad wouldnt be walking me down the aisle so he auto assumed that his dad was going to, not at all that would be very uncomfortable. I can tell other people that I don't agree with the tradition of women being given away, women arent propety of their parents until they marry anymore so its just a gesture and it does not feel right or make sense to me at all, I was thinking of having my best friend walk me up, someone youre close to would be nice but its not necessary.

saa

Wow.. cant believe the feedback here can you imagine yourself really walking down the aisle not feeling like this is how you wanted to do it to humour your father. Come on people change wedding/omit traditions all the time nowadays, as soon as I mentioned wedding all the inlaws started saying what they wanted, you just cant base your day on that or the norm if you dont feel right about it but equally dont cause a family split.

I would definitely talk to him listening to how he feels about it first before you tell him your decision, make sure he knows your beliefs and feelings on it and make sure he knows exactly what his role is on the day, think youre gonna have to give him something else to do that is symbolic so he doesnt feel like hes just another guest.

chocolatrose

saa wrote: »

I was thinking of having my best friend walk me up, someone youre close to would be nice but its not necessary.

So, it's okay to have your best friend walk you up the aisle but not your own flesh and blood, the people who usually love you unconditionally and are the reason for your life??? Can't see the logic really but everyone to their own I suppose

hondasam

saa wrote: »

Wow.. cant believe the feedback here can you imagine yourself really walking down the aisle not feeling like this is how you wanted to do it to humour your father. Come on people change wedding/omit traditions all the time nowadays, as soon as I mentioned wedding all the inlaws started saying what they wanted, you just cant base your day on that or the norm if you dont feel right about it but equally dont cause a family split.

I would definitely talk to him listening to how he feels about it first before you tell him your decision, make sure he knows your beliefs and feelings on it and make sure he knows exactly what his role is on the day, think youre gonna have to give him something else to do that is symbolic so he doesnt feel like hes just another guest.

What role would she give him if she does not want tradition ?
I would imagine if this is a problem then all traditions would be a problem.

Procrastastudy

Its your (and your partners) wedding so do what you want but;

A great deal of the traditions surrounding marriage are outdated and don't carry the significance they once did. The veil was to hide the brides tears as she was most likely not a willing party. The popularity of the white dress is credited to Queen Victoria - A sign of British oppression? Then there is the whole thing of going to the house of the mysterious man in the sky to do it all in the first place.

There is nothing wrong with doing it your way but to put undue weight on a tradition that has vastly changed in its connotations - without removing any others that might have the same meaning to me is just a little over the top especially if it's not going to affect you but might tarnish it for others.

I realise my examples stretch to the ridiculous but they are there just to make a point. All that said its about you and your future husband though so do what feels right. Best of luck and congratulations.

PS I think you made your, valid point, with your fiancé not asking permission. I'd personally leave it at that. That particular aspect hasn't changed in it's meaning really aside from perhaps showing respect which in all honesty does not require hollow gestures.

tbh

There's no way of telling him that isn't going to hurt his feelings. You should be very clear about that. I presume you're paying for the wedding yourself? She who pays the piper etc..just a thought tho. Personally, i wouldn't make a big deal about something which would be over in about three minutes, and would potentially be one of the proudest moments in your dads life, just for the sake of my own principles, but it is, of course, your call to make. It must be extremely important to you.

Sappa

espihal wrote: »

I don't like the idea of a father 'giving his daughter away' at her wedding, for the same reason I was glad my fiancé didn't ask his permission to marry me: I associate them with a time when women were their father's property until he passed them on to their husbands.
I'm worried about saying this to my father, however. He IS quite traditional and was genuinely annoyed when he wasn't asked about marrying me. I tend to think 'tough luck, it's my wedding and this isn't the Middle Ages', but at the same time he's still my father. I want him to be ok with it and understand it means nothing against him.
I'm 100% sure I don't want to be given away, so there's definitely no negotiating that, but does anyone have suggestions on how go break it to him? I tried to talk to my mother about it but she just tried to convince me to 'humour' my father. Is there anyone else here that has done/is doing this? Any advice would be appreciated.

Ohh for goodness sake,will you just grant tour father his wish.
He has sacrificied a lot rearing you and life is about compromise,surely you can compromise on this.
Are you also a person who doesn't like her husband opening doors and taking her coat,tradition and chivalry are not about possessing a woman they are to be valued and maintained to keep a certain standard.

hondasam

I can't imagine any girl who has a close relationship with her father would deprive him of his few moments in a day that he has probably often thought about.
I don't see it as him giving her away, it's him asking the man she is marrying to look after her and take good care of her.

whatdoicare

Unless you have some issue with your dad - like he was a terrible father, is a total ass hat or neglected you or something similar then I really wouldn't be inclined to destroy someones feelings just to make some sort of point - like, why would you do that to someone?

My dad is a wonderful guy and I was only too proud to walk by his side- I didn't really think of it as him giving me away, I saw it as being escorted by the main man in my life before my husband and a big sign that he was both proud as punch of me and approved of my choice in men - tbh I don't think I would have made it down the aisle without him holding my hand- that plus I tripped over my dress when I took my first step (he caught me and noone noticed :P ) and one of my favourite memories of the day is of him forgetting to actually let go of my hand once we got to the alter.

If he's a terrible dad etc and you don't want him near you going down the aisle I'd be inclined to not really care what he thought and not mention it to him - he'd be cheeky to ask it of you if he's aware he's an asshole.

Depends on your situation really but don't just cause a situation for the sake of it - lifes too short for that nonsense and there's much more important wars to fight for feminism.

chocolatrose

Life is short. Cherish the people that love you the most. If it makes your father happy to walk you down the aisle, I would put my beliefs to one side just to grant my father those couple minute of pride. Surely having the people around you happy on the day is more important to the celebration than some values/beliefs you hold about the tradition of weddings.

Procrastastudy

espihal wrote: »

I'm 100% sure I don't want to be given away, so there's definitely no negotiating that, but does anyone have suggestions on how go break it to him?

Something along the lines of - Dad you raised me well and not to be a hypocrite. I'm sticking to my principles; I feel that being given away is sexist and misogynistic. Please do a reading for me / role we have created for you. But if I was then you Dad I would read Exodus 21:7

This will only work, however, if you are not being a hypocrite and are not having a veil and of course have a belief in God. (Assuming its a Church wedding)

This:

tSubh Dearg wrote: »

How about having both your parents accompany you down the aisle? Then it's not you being "given away" but being supported into your new married life by the people who were there for you at the beginning of your life.

is the best thing I ever head in relation to someone else's wedding. Brilliant idea even if there wasn't a matter of principle and makes your point much better than not having anyone walk you down the aisle.

dixiefly

I think there is a difference between the asking permission tradition and the walking down the aisle tradition. If you are having a church wedding and are on good terms with your father then i cannot see why you would add to the possible stresses of the day & potentially upset someone close by doing that.

zxcvbnm1

espihal wrote: »

I don't like the idea of a father 'giving his daughter away' at her wedding, for the same reason I was glad my fiancé didn't ask his permission to marry me: I associate them with a time when women were their father's property until he passed them on to their husbands.
I'm worried about saying this to my father, however. He IS quite traditional and was genuinely annoyed when he wasn't asked about marrying me. I tend to think 'tough luck, it's my wedding and this isn't the Middle Ages', but at the same time he's still my father. I want him to be ok with it and understand it means nothing against him.
I'm 100% sure I don't want to be given away, so there's definitely no negotiating that, but does anyone have suggestions on how go break it to him? I tried to talk to my mother about it but she just tried to convince me to 'humour' my father. Is there anyone else here that has done/is doing this? Any advice would be appreciated.

I must say you really are going out of your way there to see some insult that in reality doesn't exist at all.
My advice is let your father walk you down the aisle - otherwise in time you'll suddenly realise and regret how you were being just plain awkward for no good reason at al.

ihsb

I don't have a blood father, I have a man that has been in my life a very long time and my mother. When I get married I expect them both to be asked (separately as they are not together) and I want them both to be involved in the happiest day of my life.

I would be the happiest girl in the world to have two of the people I love most in the world hold my hands while I go into my new life. I do not see my wedding day as a day to prove a point in feminism. I am a feminist (I will not be called "Man and wife", it will be "husband and wife) things like that.

You seem to have a good relationship with him and you seem to love him. Then why not have this experience that he has probably been dreaming of since you were born?! I respect you don't want to be "handed over" but I doubt it actually means that to anyone anymore. I think it is kind of selfish to hurt him in this way.

Boards.ie staple answer:

"Bullsh*t you are being a little bitch and your dad used to beat you!"

Regular advoce? If it feels wrong, don't do it.

Wompa1

Did your dad do something to you that makes you not want to have him walk you up the aisle? I don't get it...you don't want the people there to think you conform to traditions? What do you care what people think?

By all means do what you want but I have no idea where you are coming from with this. Is it some feminist thing?

mr_edge_to_you

There is simply no easy way to do this. Something like this is a big deal and you should tell him clear and simply.

My thoughts:

I think it is the most bizarre tradition to be scrapping. I can't imagine how your father will feel when you tell him. Think long and hard about this OP because he will be upset and you will probably end up changing your mind and ask him and his reply will be "no it's your day and I respect that". if he's a good father he will respect your wishes despite his disappointment and support you with your decision.

I got married 18 months ago and I became a father for the first time recently, to a baby girl too. I would ask for nothing more in life other than to know that I will live long enough to walk her down the aisle. I will talk and support her in the car on the way to the wedding because she'll probably be nervous like her Dad was when he got married. (I'll get her there on time too, arriving late isn't fair on husbands!!!!!!) I will give her away to a man that I hope will treat twice as good as I will have done and if it doesn't work out for her I will bring her back home.

I know so many people who got married who would give up all the trimmings and much more to have their Dads walk them down the aisle.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned......

Taltos

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analucija

I understand where are you comming from. I also come from a country where is the tradition that bride and groom walk down the aisle together as equals. I do find the symbolism of woman being passed from one man to another to be taken care of a bit offensive. Luckily it won't be an issue if I decide to marry because my father dislikes it as well for different reasons.

I don't know what to advise. Personally I'd probably swallow my pride and let father walk me down the isle. After all there are a lot of other traditions inside wedding ceremony that one could find offensive (white dress for little virgin princess? Men don't wear white.). But if you decide to do it differently then invent or find a tradition in some other country that does it differently and say to your dad that it really made an impression on you and blah blah blah. People tend to be more forgiving when they think you are being silly.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I guess it's just a case of weighing up what means more to you; not hurting your dad's feelings/disappointing him over the strength of your own principles - and that's really something only you can answer.

We didn't have a conventional wedding & had zero interest in involving any aspect of religion but we kept some of the well known traditions because of what they meant to those who expected those roles. It's one thing doing everything your own way regardless of anyone else when it comes to a couple going to a registry office themselves but when you expect people to give up their time and contribute to/share in your day then I think their wants and needs have to carry some weight.

If you are absolutely resolute you can't bring yourself to allow your dad to give you away because it's what he'd like, perhaps look into compromising as tSubh Dearg suggested? I just can't see the logic in allowing your principles regarding one particular archaic tradition in the midst of an archaic traditional event create strife between you and your family.

All the very best.

P. Breathnach

You can have it both ways, if you try to be accommodating. All you need to do is change the script, just as the "love. honour, and obey" script has been changed.

There is a discussion here that might be helpful: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/who-gives-this-woman

Morgase

Hi OP,

For what it's worth, I can completely empathise with your wish to not be given away or walked down the aisle. I just wanted to tell you that as I know so many people will tell you to just go along with it and not rock the boat.

Only you know how much it would mean to your father. I suggest that you sit him down and just explain how the idea of being given away makes you feel.

Are you going for a wedding that is traditional in other aspects? It might be easier for him to understand if you're not doing any of that church and white dress stuff.

Dovakhin

Hi OP,

I wouldn't bother listening too much to the bizarre traditionalists on this one - I really don't think that every father desperately dreams of his daughter's wedding day for decades and decades. I'd imagine their dreams for you concern things like your happiness far more than the specific details of one particular day.

Anyway, I got married recently and was in more or less the same position as you. Absolutely no way was I going to be "given away" - even the phrase is irritating - and in fairness, my Dad wasn't surprised when I said so. However, he is a smart feminist man, so he really didn't expect to be handing over "ownership" of me anyway! What happened with us was that myself and my husband-to-be walked in together - although we are both atheists and weren't getting married in a church, so no one expected anything traditional anyway....if you are having a traditional wedding in other respects it might make things more awkward.

If your Dad is really into this sort of thing then would there be any point trying to explain your viewpoint on it? Ie that it represents patriarchal control of women etc etc. If you think that wouldn't go well, then maybe having both your parents walk you up the aisle as someone else suggested is a good compromise. Alternatively, what about having you and husband to be walk in together - would your Dad mind that as much?

P. Breathnach

Dovakhin wrote: »

... I wouldn't bother listening too much to the bizarre traditionalists on this one ...

OP has, in effect, told us that her father is one of the bizarre traditionalists.

krankykitty

OP, I too shared your feelings about how sexist and dated the tradition of father walking bride up the aisle is. I really didn't like it, but I felt it would be too hurtful, and bring bad feelings into the day if I walked alone. Also, I did not,want guests drawing inferences, rightly or wrongly, and gossipping about the state of our relationship. In the end I had both my father and mother (divorced) accompany me up the aisle. It removed the sexism element and valued the role my mother played in my life. This felt much more authentic to my own feelings and both my parents were happy with it.


Arranging Weddings are a minefield, its easy to say oh suit yourself but because everyone else wants a say and has an opinion, you always end up annoying someone.

LegacyUser

Well, I'm not having a religious ceremony either. I'm not Catholic by faith. Or a veil. The only thing I'm really keeping is the white dress and the rings.
When I said I was 100% on not being escorted I meant it. I just don't like the symbology at all. I'd rather walk down on my own. Honestly, I just want a short but nice ceremony, as in walk in, get married, walk out. None of the pomp and decoration.
I'm already annoyed at my father for taking offence to my OH not asking his permission. Like being given away, it just harks back to the Dark Ages when women were property. If he walked me down the aisle THAT would by hypocritical, telling him I'm not his property at one instance and then doing something that symbolises me as his property in another. I don't want to be uncomfortable with anything I do at my wedding, so that 'tradition' (whatever way you decorate it, it still resembles the same thing) is being shunned.

Ickle Magoo

If you feel strongly about it then I think your only option is to sit down and discuss it with him. I'm presuming you are also paying for the entire wedding and so really it's just a matter of your Dad accepting your take on the ceremony he's invited to attend...something you may just have to accept that he isn't prepared to do.

Stavro Mueller

krankykitty wrote: »

...Also, I did not, want guests drawing inferences, rightly or wrongly, and gossipping about the state of our relationship...

Aside from the hurting your dad's feelings, this occurred to me too. Unless you're going for an unconventional sort of wedding, you do run the risk of people scratching their heads and wondering what the story is.

Is it really worth all the hassle just to have your dad (or your parents - that's a nice idea) bring you up the aisle? To be honest I don't think most people give the meaning behind it any deeper thought. It's just one of these things you just expect to see happening at weddings.

saa

chocolatrose wrote: »

So, it's okay to have your best friend walk you up the aisle but not your own flesh and blood, the people who usually love you unconditionally and are the reason for your life??? Can't see the logic really but everyone to their own I suppose

hondasam wrote: »

What role would she give him if she does not want tradition ?
I would imagine if this is a problem then all traditions would be a problem.

It is OKAY to have your best friend walk you down the aisle. There are two logics mentioned in this thread, one being the brides wishes for the ceremony and secondly for the changing of the procession based on the relationship between the bride and farther. Just make it clear about the changes.

She would give him a role that she is comfortable carrying out, and he will partake in aspects of the day that are actually meaningful for her obviously..

A lot of people carry out these rituals without thinking about what they mean OP has and has made her decision, she has decided not to follow or or more traditions in this ceremony her and her partners expectations come first.

Curry Addict

i think most people do realise that women are not property of men these days. i dont think the world will be going back to that belief if you do follow tradition.

vard

saa wrote: »

Wow.. cant believe the feedback here can you imagine yourself really walking down the aisle not feeling like this is how you wanted to do it to humour your father. Come on people change wedding/omit traditions all the time nowadays, as soon as I mentioned wedding all the inlaws started saying what they wanted, you just cant base your day on that or the norm if you dont feel right about it but equally dont cause a family split.

I would definitely talk to him listening to how he feels about it first before you tell him your decision, make sure he knows your beliefs and feelings on it and make sure he knows exactly what his role is on the day, think youre gonna have to give him something else to do that is symbolic so he doesnt feel like hes just another guest.

"Traditions change", yet for some reason men are still expected to pop the question and buy the expensive ring.

OP I can see why your father would be upset.

Xterminator

espihal wrote: »

I'm already annoyed at my father for taking offence to my OH not asking his permission......
I don't want to be uncomfortable with anything I do at my wedding....

Me .. Me ... Me ...

Being direct and blunt here. I understand that this is your day, and that you have strong feelings about it.

But where is your consideration of your fathers feelings?

I wouldnt say you should allow his desires to overrule you own, but does he not get any consideration?

I would worry that you will create a good deal of hurt for your father because of a trivial detail. A number of posters have suggested you make a compromise, have you even considered this?

To be honest i read your posts carefully and theres not one hint of affection for your father which i find strange. In a thread discussing your feelings, and your fathers feelings you have not once said anything positive about him.

I suggest you examine your own motives here. I do wonder if other negative thoughts are clouding your judgement on this?

There is no way id risk hurting or alienating my parents over something so trivial.

Caraville

I know in the past the whole "giving the bride away" thing was because the father was literally handing over ownership of his daughter, but I actually don't think most people look at it that way these days. I certainly don't anyway- I just see it as a father doing his last duty of supporting his daughter before she gets married and has somebody else in her life to do so.

Now, you could argue that it's a pointless tradition given that firstly it's not like the father automatically stops being there for his daughter, and secondly these days couples have essentially been living as "married" all but in legal terms for many years. But to me, those points are exactly the reason why I don't look at it like I'd be some sort of property for my father to give away. I just see it as my father being proud of the daughter he raised and saying to everyone who is present "This is my beautiful daughter, I am so proud of her and I love her and I am here to support her on this journey up the aisle, just as I have supported her as her father since I first saw her the day she was born". To me, that's not tradition, that's entrusting my father with a role that I know he has always carried out well- one of support and encouragement.

Unless your father had a negative role in your life OP, I honestly don't know why it's a problem. You can interpret the ritual in the traditional way, or look at it your own way, like I do.

saa

vard wrote: »

"Traditions change", yet for some reason men are still expected to pop the question and buy the expensive ring.

OP I can see why your father would be upset.

I don't have an expensive ring lol, I won't be interested in a puff ball/corset gown or gold/diamond ring for the wedding either. So you should do something because its the done thing, people change ceremonies based on what they believe. So back to the point of this thread how can OP manage the fathers expectations as opposed to people being expected to do what is the norm.

All you can do is talk to him and really see how much he has emotional invested in doing this, my partners parents had a lot invested in being part of a big wedding my partners brother did not do this so all the pressure was put on us to do this because the parents wanted x y and z, honestly you can only do what feels right for you not someone elses expectations whilst being respectful and trying not to cause any major riffs.

IrishEyes19

It's going to hurt his feelings one way or another. Traditions might not have changed, but the symbolism has. It doesnt mean he owns you anymore. Personally I don't see the big issue here. I've always thought it a nice thing and gesture.

saa

Xterminator wrote: »

I wouldnt say you should allow his desires to overrule you own, but does he not get any consideration?

There is no way id risk hurting or alienating my parents over something so trivial.

the act has lost its meaning but not to OP so in that context its not trivial and is a very big issue for OP as it is for the father, I can understand someone having very strong feelings so much so that they make sure x is done so I can also understand that intense feeling swings both ways if you feel uncomfortable and believe it is wrong it is not right to "have" to go through with it, equally this being on your mind on the day and feeling bad about it, but then if you decide not to will there be bad feelings in the air on the day playing on your mind also? will this in reality make the day difficult to enjoy if others decide to start making a fuss about it and to the extreme does not outweigh losing a good relationship, but the idea that he would cut ties (at least emotionally) over this "trivial" thing as you put it saddens me.

As I said test the waters OP, suggest it first, talk to him gauge where he's at, you know yourself how far the compromise can go, let him know that this ceremony WILL be different based on your beliefs and find out where his limits are on these changeS.. so he doesnt feel like he's being personally "cut".. for personal reasons. hopefully there is an arrangement both of you will be happy but you need to respect and understand each others beliefs first. I'm guessing you'll feel pretty bad if you have to go through with it but if there are fights over this then you will surely wont be happy after that, if the family respond well to your suggestions, perfect if not back to the drawing board, hopefully they understand.

Monkey61

Xterminator wrote: »

Me .. Me ... Me ...

Being direct and blunt here. I understand that this is your day, and that you have strong feelings about it.

But where is your consideration of your fathers feelings?

Why should she? It is her and her future husband's day. It isn't her father's and quite frankly has nothing to do with him.

Everyone has different feelings regarding their parents, their relationship with their parents and what is right. I might just have two friends as witnesses at my wedding and not actually invite my parents at all- and they will perfectly understand, as they will want me to have a happy day in whichever way seems best to me at the time, and they will enjoy hearing about it and seeing photos later. They are their own people, with their own lives and will not be mortally offended if I have the wedding that suits me. A good parent should want their child's happiness to come first in situations like this and shouldn't try to cause upset when they don't get their own way. It is not her father's day after all.

OP, I don't think that your father had any right to get upset about not being asked permission by your fiance. That all sounds a bit too controlling to me. I think it's great that you are determined to stick to your guns and do what makes you and your fiance happy on your wedding day. I would explain it, lightly as if it is not a big deal at all, because quite frankly it is not. Just seeing you get married and being there on the day should make your father happy, because that is what his happiness for you should be all about.

zxcvbnm1

espihal wrote: »

Well, I'm not having a religious ceremony either. I'm not Catholic by faith. Or a veil. The only thing I'm really keeping is the white dress and the rings.
When I said I was 100% on not being escorted I meant it. I just don't like the symbology at all. I'd rather walk down on my own. Honestly, I just want a short but nice ceremony, as in walk in, get married, walk out. None of the pomp and decoration.
I'm already annoyed at my father for taking offence to my OH not asking his permission. Like being given away, it just harks back to the Dark Ages when women were property. If he walked me down the aisle THAT would by hypocritical, telling him I'm not his property at one instance and then doing something that symbolises me as his property in another. I don't want to be uncomfortable with anything I do at my wedding, so that 'tradition' (whatever way you decorate it, it still resembles the same thing) is being shunned.

It's bizarre in the extreme in my book. Do you really think people actually view it as the woman being transferred as property from one man to another ?
It's just a thing that happens at weddings that no one gives a second thought to.

What age are you OP by the way? It sounds like the kind of thing someone would come out with while going through some teenage phase of rebelling against the system. It's unusual for a fully fledged adult to be making such a song and dance about something so trivial.

OP - my advice is you don't need to turn everything into a battle. You should learn what battles to pick - and in my view this is a ridiculous one to go after.

The bottom line is this - your Father will almost definitely be quite put out by this. He will also feel embarrassed on the day for fear people start thinking you had something against him for you not allowing him walk you down the aisle ( which some people inevitably will).

If you want to put your own mindless feminism struggle ( A thing that no one else even recognises) then that's your decision.

But personally I think it's very selfish of you.
My own view is you should take the hit( not that there even is a hit to take but only in your head) and just let him walk you down the aisle.

ted1

It would absolutely break my heart if my daughter didn't want me to walk her down the aisle. Part of me would actually die. Regardless of what she said, I would be forever wondering what could have done to make her dispise the idea of me walking her down the aisle.

Did I upset her? Was I a bad dad? Am I that embarrassing? Is she not proud or appreciative of all I have done for her?

BroomBurner

OP, I think the idea mooted earlier about talking to your dad about it in terms of "you've raised me to have XYZ approach" might be the way to go to discuss it with him. That way, you're respecting everything he's done for you while also getting him on board with respecting your decision.

Btw, if parents gift money to their kids to pay for their wedding, or towards their wedding, it doesn't buy them access to make decisions. It's not an investment situation.

tinkerbell

OP, I think what you are doing here is really uncalled for, insensitive and just downright hurtful to your dad. Your dad wants to walk you up the aisle, it's not about "giving you away", it's about supporting you on this very special day and being there for you! It is completely different about the "asking for permission" thing.

Unless you are having a very unconventional wedding, then it's gonna look very odd to all your guests if you walk down the aisle by yourself, your dad will probably be so hurt on the day. I normally say "well it's your wedding, do what you want", but in this case I think it's really selfish to just throw this back in his face. If he has done nothing but be a great father to you, then why are you depriving him of the honour of doing this? Dads love that kind of thing, the dad is always beaming going up the aisle. I'd suggest you get both parents to walk you up the aisle as a compromise.

And like I said before the tradition of walking you down the aisle is not about "giving you away", it's about support and being proud of his girl on the biggest day of your life. Don't deprive him of that. I'm sure if you have kids and your daughter told your husband she didn't want him to walk her down the aisle, your husband although he may not show it to you, deep down he would be hurt and you prob would be too.

Ickle Magoo

BroomBurner wrote: »

Btw, if parents gift money to their kids to pay for their wedding, or towards their wedding, it doesn't buy them access to make decisions. It's not an investment situation.

Of course - but wouldn't it be ironic for the OP's dad to feel obliged to finance this wedding due to archaic tradition and yet be denied his traditional role in it because his daughter disagrees with the archaic tradition behind it.

I was wondering if there is a financial element then perhaps releasing her father from his "traditional obligations" would also release her from any pressure to assent to related traditions...then again, the OP/her partner may well be financing it all in which case that angle of approaching her Dad is moot. :cool:

saa

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Of course - but wouldn't it be ironic for the OP's dad to feel obliged to finance this wedding due to archaic tradition and yet be denied his traditional role in it because his daughter disagrees with the archaic tradition behind it.

I was wondering if there is a financial element then perhaps releasing her father from his "traditional obligations" would also release her from any pressure to assent to related traditions...then again, the OP/her partner may well be financing it all in which case that angle of approaching her Dad is moot. :cool:

Absolutely if he's paying for it, makes it very difficult to do things your way or keep control as you've brought in a major stakeholder, I don't believe in all this what about your childhood they raised you, yes and this is a wedding ceremony, you can also do it like the Jewish tradition where both parents accompany the bride, I believe.

But seriously this is why I am starting to hate weddings and think the last people they are about is the bride and groom but more about what is usually done and others want and expect, if you try and do anything that suits you the couple people think its not "right" weddings should be... The mother in law has been telling me all sorts, I can't do this its not traditional, you have to invite the cousins twice removed because one of them invited [fiance] to their wedding and if you invite him you have to invite the others, you can't have the cake you want because marys offered to make the cake and she only knows how to make biscuit cake, you serve soup or people will think you're cheap, what about the flowers!?!?!. Noted that when its a person as opposed to a dress it is more complicated. With the cake issue is close to my heart but I don't want to upset anyone either, so trivial after all.

gosuckonalemon

espihal wrote: »

Well, I'm not having a religious ceremony either. I'm not Catholic by faith. Or a veil. The only thing I'm really keeping is the white dress and the rings.
When I said I was 100% on not being escorted I meant it. I just don't like the symbology at all. I'd rather walk down on my own. Honestly, I just want a short but nice ceremony, as in walk in, get married, walk out. None of the pomp and decoration.
I'm already annoyed at my father for taking offence to my OH not asking his permission. Like being given away, it just harks back to the Dark Ages when women were property. If he walked me down the aisle THAT would by hypocritical, telling him I'm not his property at one instance and then doing something that symbolises me as his property in another. I don't want to be uncomfortable with anything I do at my wedding, so that 'tradition' (whatever way you decorate it, it still resembles the same thing) is being shunned.

Your father is obviously a selfish prick. If I was you I wouldn't invite him at all, or your mother for being associated with him.

Problem solved.

And don't feel guilty, because for you to think like this is a result of the way they raised you...so in essence it's their own fault for not getting the invite!

sasser

Why isn't the groom walked up the aisle? What is the role of the mother on the wedding day who also raised and supported the child? Say what you like, wedding traditions still point to the lesser role of the woman. OP do what feels right, I would be in total agreement with you. S cary attitudes on this thread, especially re money.

analucija

It seems it's ok to break traditions and have atheist, humanist wedding, arrive in a helicopter, order an expensive cake that nobody eats, hire cart and a horse just for photographs. But god forbid you want to make a statement you are an independent self reliant woman entering into a union of two independent adults. Why would anybody want to make a ridiculous self indulgent silly feminist thing like that?

However people want to view giving away, the original message is still there. And even if it is only about support, why men don't have their mammy to support them and walk them down the isle? I'm not overly fussed over it but it's not nice to see OP being insulted just because she doesn't want to comform to every tradition society expects her to. It's not a femenist fancy, it's her wedding and she should have some say at it.