Teenage daughter pregnant

Lola92

Huge hugs to you. You have such a positive attitude despite all you have been through as a family even before this. Just keep taking it one day at a time and hopefully things will improve for the better soon. This could be what it takes for her to mature and become a young woman that you will be proud of. I am sure in years to come she will come to recognise and understand all that you did for her and how much you tried to help her through everything. x

titchy

Again for what its worth I think you should stick with your career path anything else that happens will just have to fit in around that , and with what you are able and prepared to do.

with his age is that not statutory rape?

I feel for you and the situation your in,

Im sorry I dont know how you will get her to see the realities of her situation, maybe a local social woker?

team fop

titchy wrote: »

with his age is that not statutory rape?

I feel for you and the situation your in,

Im sorry I dont know how you will get her to see the realities of her situation, maybe a local social woker?

I was thinking the same thing, but pressing charges I don't think would help the current situation it may drive a wedge further between us, but I will keep it in the back of my mind. As for the local social work team, a friend of mine made that suggestion. She also suggested crisis centres ..Bessborough house and Cura care. I looked them up online and they give residential support to teens in crisis pregnancy situations but I'm uneducated about these places and would like to hear from anyone who has experiences with dealing with similar care supports

eviltwin

I was homeless for a period during my pregnancy and spent some time in one of the care homes. I found it a very positive experience. It was a long time ago now so I'm not sure how they work today but back then I was assigned a social worker who was a great support. Its an option but if you suggest it be careful your daughter doesn't take it the wrong way, she could easily see it as a way of 'getting rid' of her. Would your daughter consider maybe talking to other young mums? It might help her to talk to one of her peers.

KittyeeTrix

Jeez Team Fop, I'll be honest and say I really haven't a clue how you'd deal with this situation as you've described it. It's one of the reasons I was so happy to see a forum to cater for parents of teens created here on Boards..........It's a minefield of a time for some parents.

I have 15 and 18 year old boys and a daughter who is only 12 so I haven't had to deal with this situation and hopefully I never will have to.

I just wanted to say we're all here to listen even if we can't help properly and hopefully some other posters will have some better practical advice than what I can offer..

Keep strong girl x:)

Rabbitandcavy

Good luck OP!
I wouldn't contact the Father, or press charges against him. It sounds like a door you wouldn't want to open to be honest. Of course, it's up to your daughter if she wants to contact him or not.

JoJoK

OP, you've worked hard to get this far, and were a young enough mum like myself. I also went on to uni etc in order to make a better living for my family. Unfortunately, this happened with my daughter when she was 15 too. Challenging behaviour from about 12 onwards. She's 26 now and hasn't changed. Did everything you have, counselling, family therapy, psychologists, psycho therapy, cranial massage, blah blah... none of it worked. She's been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder. CBT, NLP etc.. with no cure because you have to want to change. They reckon she may have ingested something to cause it because she was such a lovely kid up until 12. I don't know anymore!

She and her first child lived with me for the first 4 years of her life and we bonded, probably too much. I got into debt because of all of the baby's needs and trying to cover childcare, then preschool. My daughter did a little of the work but not much. She exerted control over the child and me and wielded her like a weapon... If I don't get what I want, I'm out of here with her... Was so very hard. She became pregnant again by the same waster four years later - he kept sniffing around - no financial contributions mind - and there were so many dramatics and incidents I can't even begin to go into them. He was also a member of the travelling community. He warned me and her numerous times he was NEVER letting her go, she is his!!

It all came to a head when the second baby was born and he wanted to move in with us. When I refused she left with both babies and I wasn't allowed to see them for 9 months. She pulled the eldest out of school, away from everything that was familiar to her, to live in a cold, damp kip with a baby and a heroin addict dad. I can't begin to tell you of all of the trials and tribulations over the years with them, the calls in the night, the constant pressure. I notified social workers of the childrens circumstances in the hopes it would make them - my daughter and her 'partner' pull their socks up but they just wanted to take the kids into care. Said my daughter wasn't fit and he was a danger to them. It's been a never ending nightmare!

At this point in time, her first baby is 11 and lives with another of my girls now, has done for the past 6 years. My daughter objected to me having her here full time as she felt that the child was too close to me and thinks of me as a mother. I couldn't help that as I had, by default when she wasn't being cared for by her mother, tended to try to compensate and fill in the gaps.
She still has a sleepover here once or twice a week and is a little treasure - very like her mum until she changed. The little guy has various special needs and needs to stay in hospital most of the time. Officially I'm his guardian but again, it's another daughter who looks after him mostly. Won't go into it here but it's a hereditary problem.

My daughter is still as difficult to deal with as she was as a teenager, and although she has tried to part with this guy - he's been in prison 5 times in the past 7 years - each time he gets out, she gets back in there. It's a vicious circle. I've suggested to her repeatedly over the years to emigrate with me and the children, to move far away but she won't even consider it. She would get them back if he was out of the picture and she would comply with various interventions such as family support worker etc.

So, as someone who's been through all of this and still going through it, as someone who loves their daughter and all of my grandchildren, I would say by all means keep the lines of communication open, but don't let that window pass when an abortion is no longer possible. To those of you who disagree, I did too, before this last 11 year unremitting nightmare began. Although I love both children dearly, I am very sorry I wasn't stronger with my daughter back then and didn't insist on her having an abortion. And I never, ever thought I'd say that, by the way.

To those young mothers who have made it, I salute you and envy your mothers, their efforts have more than paid off, mine have simply left me frazzled and defeated.

Sorry this is so long, I hardly ever post, preferring to take a back seat, but I do feel it's important that the OP knows what can happen in situations such as this.

Abi

team fop wrote: »

I keep questioning where did I go wrong, what could I have done differently!!???

I just thought I'd pick this comment out, because you are in no way responsible for her becoming pregnant. Nobody expects you to follow your daughter around 24/7. Parents of teens will all have the same fear, that when they're out and about they will not have unprotected sex. All a parent can hope to do is guide their child in the right direction. You've done all in your power to reconnect with your daughter and she has slammed your every attempt.

So shes pregnant. I don't mean to be rude - but fúck anyone who is turning their noses up at your daughter. None of them matter. From here on in you take care of yourself and your daughters health. I'm guessing until shes got a proper bump on her, the reality of it all won't hit home. Im just imagining myself in that position at that age, and I don't think I'd be long looking for support from my parents when the bump shows up.

Try to stay strong, you're doing a great job -even if the communication is broken down at the moment. Shes going to need your support, just stay determined and be there for her when it suddenly hits home for her.

Best of luck to you and your daughter TF (:

team fop

JojoK I salute u!!! You are an amazing woman to live through all of that and be still standing to tell the tale! Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it has given me such strength to follow what both my head and heart is telling me! I wrote her a letter last nite, and she threw it in the fire without reading it. Hard ball from here on in, it's tough love..she needs to engage with a third party, someone has to make her see what she's in for, I am not rearing her child my duty to mother nature is well and truly done. I haven't gotten myself in debt to re-educate myself to be a stay at home grandma, I will not put my younger daughter through anymore upheaval because of my teenagers behaviours. I will get my thesis in, and tackle this face on. I'm so scared but it has to be done, if she speaks with a 3rd party and gets ALL of the facts of the consequences of having unprotected sex (baby sti's the lot) and still wants to go ahead with this pregnancy I will re-access the situation.
I wish someone would write a handbook on rearing teens...there's millions to be made..no wait billions lol! In fact a book like that would be priceless

perri winkles

Jojok I have to say I read your post and felt totally in awe of you I don't know how you got through all that, you are such a strong person.

I think it is great that people are sharing their experiences of teen pregnancy and how everything turned out ok. Of course it is possible to get through these situations and come out the other side, but the op's daughter sounds like another kettle of fish.

I think it needs to be said that from the daughter's behaviour, it looks like the op will be left literally holding the baby. It's all well and good to say this could be the making of her, but we need to look at the reality of the situation.

The daughter still lives with the OP. She obviously doesn't work. The dad doesn't sound like he's going to contribute. So responsibility for everything from clothing to childcare is going to fall squarely on the OP's shoulders. It is alot to take on. A new baby eats up time, ALOT of money, and leaves you pyhsically and mentally exhausted. I think it is a huge gamble to take, hoping that it will give her a kick up the bum etc to grown up and mature. What if it doesn't? What if she continues this behaviour after baby is born? Someone will have to look after the child and lets face it that someone will be the OP.

OP, honestly If I was in your situation i would be suggesting an abortion. First of course you need to just let her know that you are willing to talk it through. Don't go in all guns blazing she'll dig her heels in even more. I would take on board what jojok said though, there is only a limited window of time for a termination if that is on the cards. I know this is something that can't be rushed, that she will have to come to you but it's good to be aware of it.

I'm sorry you've been faced with this situation and I wish you all the best I really hope everything works out for your family.

Abi

team fop wrote: »

I wish someone would write a handbook on rearing teens...there's millions to be made..no wait billions lol! In fact a book like that would be priceless

And now you've got it, if parents knew how to deal with teens then the book would be valueless. Your parenting from here on in will be likely to be the very advice that shakes her out of that tree. There are no handbooks for babies either

team fop

perri winkles wrote: »

The daughter still lives with the OP. She obviously doesn't work. The dad doesn't sound like he's going to contribute. So responsibility for everything from clothing to childcare is going to fall squarely on the OP's shoulders. It is alot to take on. A new baby eats up time, ALOT of money, and leaves you pyhsically and mentally exhausted. I think it is a huge gamble to take, hoping that it will give her a kick up the bum etc to grown up and mature. What if it doesn't? What if she continues this behaviour after baby is born? Someone will have to look after the child and lets face it that someone will be the OP

Thanks for your post, it rang through clearly and you make some very good points that I can relate to, the main one being that she's 15, and if she wants to keep this baby that is her choice I accept that part, but in the eyes of the law I have no say what do ever, I have to help her, she is legally still a child, my child until she's 18 I am not doing it, but feel very backed into a corner and pressurised

perri winkles

team fop wrote: »

Thanks for your post, it rang through clearly and you make some very good points that I can relate to, the main one being that she's 15, and if she wants to keep this baby that is her choice I accept that part, but in the eyes of the law I have no say what do ever, I have to help her, she is legally still a child, my child until she's 18 I am not doing it, but feel very backed into a corner and pressurised

Then in my opinion OP, and I know not many will agree with me, it's time for some tough love. If she isn't willing to face up to the seriousness of the situation, then it all needs to be laid out for her. Tell her exactly how much this baby will cost, how she won't be able to finish school, that she may very well have to find her own place. I'd say part of her thinks that at the end of the day you will be there for her and to look after baby, you need to let her know that this will not be your responsibility, it will be hers. I know it may sound harsh and others will say that a softly softly approach is best, but let's face it time is not on your side. I know it won't be easy to do this but she needs to understand that she created this mess and you will not be the one to shoulder the responsibility.

Have you contacted positive options yourself? They might be able to give you some advice as to how to approach this. I do feel really strongly though that at the end of the day if your child has this baby, she needs to know that you won't be looking after it. Be firm. It is awful having to threaten to cut off support but from what you've said, this baby doesn't soundlike its going to help your daughters behaviour at all, and I just wouldn't be taking the chance in the hope that she would change.

Take care of yourself OP x

JoJoK

perri winkles wrote: »

Then in my opinion OP, and I know not many will agree with me, it's time for some tough love. If she isn't willing to face up to the seriousness of the situation, then it all needs to be laid out for her. Tell her exactly how much this baby will cost, how she won't be able to finish school, that she may very well have to find her own place. I'd say part of her thinks that at the end of the day you will be there for her and to look after baby, you need to let her know that this will not be your responsibility, it will be hers. I know it may sound harsh and others will say that a softly softly approach is best, but let's face it time is not on your side. I know it won't be easy to do this but she needs to understand that she created this mess and you will not be the one to shoulder the responsibility.

Thanks for all of the lovely comments! I'm not so strong anymore and honestly wouldn't do it over, given a choice. But it is amazing how strong we women can be when tested, and how much something like this can cause our world view to change 180 degrees I do believe all parents of teenagers should be awarded some sort of accolades whenever the teen leaves school! It's such a huge achievement to get to that stage with any child, "difficult" or not.

OP, perri winkles makes very valid points. If your daughter insists on going through with having the baby it's something you really need to do for yourself. Have to say though, that once the baby is born it is extremely difficult/nigh on impossible not to put your life on hold because the bond is SO strong.

Perhaps it will help you in your resolve team fop, to know that, I'm now very ill and not totally capable of taking care of myself, never mind the grandchildren. Medics agree that the situation with my daughter is at least part of the cause, because our immune systems just don't work as they should when we're highly stressed.

Another thing you need to know is that if you suggest a termination and she doesn't go through with it, this will be thrown this back at you when you're disagreeing about her leaving the baby with the travellers, taking her out at 9pm, disrupting her sleep to give her kisses when she comes in drunk, offering to voluntarily care for her instead of the baby being put into foster care, offering to bathe your beautiful grandchild when you visit and find she stinks of sour milk, faeces and cigarette smoke... in fact an argument over heating oil bills can come back to the suggested termination, so be very careful how you tread. If you have a sister/sister in law/mother/best friend who might be able to talk sense with our girl, enroll them all in the effort, be relentless, but in the background and available. Don't be the "bit*h" in your daughter's eyes or the nightmare to come, whatever she decides, could be much worse!

I'm really sorry to be so bleak about it all but I do feel you need to know what's ahead, what is at stake. Had I known, I would have done as perri winkles suggests, and whether she sinks or swims will be a matter for your daughter and the professionals. At least that way, when your grandchild/ren is/are older you will be around and hopefully in good enough health, and have a longer life with them in your role as grand mother, and not as a wrung out husk with ill health.

About books on parenting teens, I had a whole library of them in the end! With my other children they worked a treat so are worth a look. However, for the daughter with the issues, social norms or givens just don't apply :eek:

I do hope you are taking care of you OP and are talking to people you can trust about this. Don't let the misty eyed, it's not the baby's fault people into your head, because believe me, it's the baby who will pay most for your daughters dysfunction. It's not something you have control over but something to keep in mind. You are in my thoughts and I truly hope it all goes better for you than it has for us.

LegacyUser

Looking at the replies here, it's great to comfort the OP at this sudden devestating news. But have you thought about the next 9 months and 18 years!

Your daughter hasn't a clue what she is doing! She can just see this idealistic view of her and this beautiful, tiny, cute baby. If she is determined to keep the baby then make it your job to educate her to be a mother and to to guide her through some sort of education. She is going to grow up very fast if she has any hope of a good future.

As a very naive 19year old, I had my son. I didn't know the first thing about babies..least not colic. didn't receive much support from my family either. I quickly got swept up into post natal depression, as a single parent I was very scared.
Holding a 7 week colicy and constipated screaming baby not knowing what the hell to do, while dealing with sleep deprivation and a lot of tears is very very real.
Then one day decided enough was enough and moved away and went to college to better myself, if my sister hadn't told me to cop on and think of the future then I dread to think where i'd be now. But it wasn't easy going to college either, my son didn't want me to study, I couldn't pay half my bills, scrimping and scraping from dole day to dole day.

I WISH I had a supportive mother and father to help me through the first years of my sons life, because looking back I really needed guidance.

Now I have a very good job, have a partner and another baby living in the cushiest side of the city.

gaeilgegrinds1

I've only just read this so sorry for the delay. How are ye doing now?
Firstly, I've young children so don't have teens but work with them. This COULD be the making of her. I've a 16 year old girl in my class who has a 15 month old. She's amazing. She never stops studying and is an inspiration to the others. She was a devil a two years ago.
Support her but in my opinion don't make it too easy for her. She must realise her only way out is through education. Best of luck!

belle2

OP just wanted to send big hugs and wish you lots of luck that it all works out ok for all of you xox

leanonme

Sleepy wrote: »

I think I was the one who mentioned the word 'ruined' so maybe I should explain what I meant by it.

For me, my life only really started after secondary school. Everything up until I finished my Leaving Cert was, in my teenage mind, the hurdles I had to jump over in order to get to college and start "having a life". TBH, it was worth it, college was arguably the best 5 years of my life and it was where I got to discover who I am. So, that's the framing of it for me. I don't have miserable memories of childhood or anything like that but, in my mind the best years of my 'growiing up' were from 17 to 24.

Yes, a single 16 year old mother can get a good leaving cert, go to college and have a career afterwards. Unless her parents are going to be raising the child for her, however, she's not going to get much of the college experience, never going to be able to do a J1, go backpacking for a year (or more) or simply have the freedom to do with her life what she wants to as her first responsibility is always going to be to her child.

I just finished in college, and I was grown up entering college, I had done my growing up, had done my wild nights out etc etc. I didnt do a J1, or backpacking or any of that sort of thing. Many people dont, none of my friends in college did. Plenty of the people I was in college with had kids, and although they were not out all the time, they did go out, and have a life, the same way every other parent does have.

This young girl could access a community child care facility which would allow her to continue in school, and in college. She still has her future if she wants it.

Her keeping the child will change her life, but so will being forced to have an abortion or giving the child up for adoption. No one knows what impact any of these options will have on the her, it will all depend on her.