Teenage daughter pregnant

The Princess Bride

I'm a little surprised as to some of the responses here.
Did you read the OPs principle concerns at all?

team fop wrote: »

We(her family) have had a very tough 2years with her,
she went totally off the rails .....
She has challenging behaviour and has been physically abusive to me on occasions so I have no idea how she thinks she can cope with a new born baby.
I would have very serious concerns for the baby's safety.

Well done to those of you/your friends who had children young and have come out years later,still smiling.
But did you have challenging behaviour as a teen?

This is not a young pup we're talking about - it's a baby who needs nurturing during pregnancy and for ....oh, say 18 years or so afterwards.
This does not sound like the average 15 years old girl who just happens to be pregnant.

eviltwin

msthe80s wrote: »

I'm a little surprised as to some of the responses here.
Did you read the OPs principle concerns at all?



Well done to those of you/your friends who had children young and have come out years later,still smiling.
But did you have challenging behaviour as a teen?

This is not a young pup we're talking about - it's a baby who needs nurturing during pregnancy and for ....oh, say 18 years or so afterwards.
This does not sound like the average 15 years old girl who just happens to be pregnant.

I think we know its not a pup...we have kids, we get it :rolleyes:

She is a vulnerable girl pregnant or not, this is not the normal kind of behaviour of a teenager. All the more reason the family need counselling to help them explore the options.

The Princess Bride

eviltwin wrote: »

I think we know its not a pup...we have kids, we get it :rolleyes:

You think? I've been working with vulnerable children most of my adult life- most people would be shocked with some of the scenarios I've seen.

Let's be honest here,not everybody who gets pregnant - regardless of age -is cut out for parenting.

bikervamp

eviltwin wrote: »

Not everyone gets to do that anyway child or not, not everyone wants it.

well done eviltwin.
Exactly, not everyone does the J1 and all the socializing college kids get to do, I certainly didn't.
I have worked since I was 18 and was constantly reminded of my sisters 'mistake' so I wouldnt go down that road. My sister got pregnant in her teens and she is lucky to have grown up with her daughter. My niece grew close to her nan (my mam of course). My sisters life wasn't ruined. I would love to have children but things aren't working out that way. My mam passed away last year and will never see my kids if it ever happens. People should count their blessings even if in the meantime it looks like life is over. In the eighties shame was a big thing for an unplanned pregnancy and money certainly wasn't abundant. It doesn't matter what others think. It's none of their business. All that matters is the teen gets support and her family are there for her. If she is as wild as she sounds this might be the making of her.
Things happen for a reason so they say. Yes parents expect the very best for their kids but sometimes the best is what destiny has planned.
I really do wish you the best but please do not let this make you ill. Stress is no good and certainly doesnt have the answers.

PS. I know the parents concern is for the welfare of the unborn child and we are only hearing one side of the story. All I think we can do as a forum is wish them the best in whatever decision is made and hopefully some family counselling from a professional will help. The decision can certainly not be made for them here but sharing experiences may bring a little glimmer of hope to the family.

KittyeeTrix

[QUOTE=titchy;78585223I never once said her entire life was ruined...confused...


Please reread my posts before you quote youll see I am not saying any decision should be forced/rushed into

In fact Im not saying what decision should be made at all Im just thinking of the op

Yes it wont be the end of the world I actually really do agree there
Yes in several years ive no doubt shell build a great life for herself

BUT the op has a massive task ahead of her and I really want to acknowledge this

I really feel for her,

I repeat the supports this child is going to need are huge and many

I cant imagine having to support financially, emotionally and in every other way parent a 15 year old mother

Can you?

[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry titchy, I didn't mean you were saying her life was ruined.

I was just pointing out that of course everyone here knows the mother of this teenager should have a lot of input into the decisions being made but just to tread carefully and not force her into decisions that may be later regretted...

I too could not imagine having to support a teenager through pregnancy and young motherhood but at the same time I couldn't act in a way that would make my daughter do something she may later bitterly regret.

I'm not saying adoption or abortion aren't the answers in this case, I'm just saying to cover all the options if possible before any action is taken:)

bikervamp

I realize the kid is neither a pup nor a college student who hasn't done her leaving cert yet.
Just sharing concern and a story, that's all. Not offering the definitive answer.
I merely mentioned the college bit through a previous quote. And no, the difference isn't really that 'monumental'. We are talking about a child here, a fifteen year old who is has become out of hand. If anyone here claims to have 'the answer' well fair play to them.
Again, people are only offering stories and what little advice they can offer. That's all. Best of luck OP and family.

titchy

KittyeeTrix wrote: »

[QUOTE=titchy;78585223I never once said her entire life was ruined...confused...


Please reread my posts before you quote youll see I am not saying any decision should be forced/rushed into

In fact Im not saying what decision should be made at all Im just thinking of the op

Yes it wont be the end of the world I actually really do agree there
Yes in several years ive no doubt shell build a great life for herself

BUT the op has a massive task ahead of her and I really want to acknowledge this

I really feel for her,

I repeat the supports this child is going to need are huge and many

I cant imagine having to support financially, emotionally and in every other way parent a 15 year old mother

Can you?

I'm sorry titchy, I didn't mean you were saying her life was ruined.

I was just pointing out that of course everyone here knows the mother of this teenager should have a lot of input into the decisions being made but just to tread carefully and not force her into decisions that may be later regretted...

I too could not imagine having to support a teenager through pregnancy and young motherhood but at the same time I couldn't act in a way that would make my daughter do something she may later bitterly regret.

I'm not saying adoption or abortion aren't the answers in this case, I'm just saying to cover all the options if possible before any action is taken:)[/Quote]


Your right in what your saying.

And sorry if I was defensive,

If its this emotional here I cant imagine what op house is like!

Sorry on phone so cant see who wrote it but I second what was said about the forum being a support for the OP

Its been five days since you posted and I sincerely
Hope that your daughter and yourself have gotten some help advice and maybe even an inch of common ground?

Ps it was bikervamp well said too we can all only offer anecdotes, and concern best wishes

lukesmom

I got pregnant very young and an abortion was recommended to me. However I chose not to go down that road and had my son. It wasn't easy though. I'm not going to lie an say it was the making of me or it was the best thing that ever happened me. Don't get me wrong, I love my son with all my heart but I wish I had of waited at least 10 years until I was mature enough and had done all the things my friends were doing. And I don't buy the bs that people say that you can still do everything your friends do. You can do some, but not everything. Because everything changes. You have to grow up at full speed at mature beyond the natural growth of maturity. Its great bringing new life into the world but in my opinion its hard at any age but as a teenager its bloody near impossible. You need a brilliant support network at home. So you need to ask yourself are you prepared to do most of the looking after this child if your own child stays at school? Are you going to spend money on this child if the father is not revealed? If the answer is yes and your daughter wants to keep her baby then fine but if you have any doubts you will need to iron them out now as my own parents thought they were nearly finished rearing kids until I revealed I was pregnant and they felt like they were starting all over again.

eviltwin

Touch wood it all works out. Sometimes when you are in the middle of the situation it can seem like the worst thing in the world. Time and the right help and support for everyone will hopefully help everyone see things more clearly and point you all in the right direction.

Best of luck to you all xx

Support your daughter. She needs you now more than ever. Forget what other people think. Your daughter will only communicate with you if she trusts you. Do not be angry with her. It will do no good. Help her. Guide her. Tell her it will be ok. It is your grandchild that she is carrying and I guarantee you the second you lay eyes on that baby it will be the love of your life.

hattoncracker

OP, I know this is not what you dreamed of for your daughter, I'm sorry for the loss of the possibilities for her that you dreamed of.

I read in your post that she has been lashing out and behaving badly the past couple of years.. Do you know have an idea as to why? If you can figure that out and work through it before the baby is born it might help you both bond, and then you can work on your relationship with eachother. At the moment that is the most important thing. F**k the baby daddy, f**k the extended family and their 'tutting', and focus on helping your daughter. Let her see that you are willing to support her and that helping her through whatever decision she makes is your first priority, this is a good chance for you two to get your relationship back on track and maybe bring you closer than ever, which will make it easier for her to confide in you.

argosy2006

Can't you just raise kid as your son or daughter,
You really telling me your kicking her out to raise kid?
No,
Exactly,

team fop

Ok first of all I would like to thank each and every poster for your honesty and support! I have been blown away. But it has made me realise this situation is not abnormal in today's society. I would just like to clarify a few things in reply to posts. My family are disgusted this has happened as we all know my daughter is extremely vulnerable and immature. As msthe80's pointed out "we are not dealing with the average 15year old". I love the bones of my daughter as much as she hates me (normal teenage attitude ) but I am do scared about where we go from here. She is refusing to talk to a third party, we have been in family therapy for over a year and she refuses to engage.. I continue to attend in the hope that 1day she will change her mind. She also refuses to engage with a psychologist.
I have never asked her to have an abortion or consider adoption, I am trying to get her to open up and see the bigger picture. I go some paperwork from positive options so maybe she will eventually contact them herself..til then I'll keep trying.
I would also like to say well done to all you young mothers out there who have made it, well done to Lola92. I know what your talking about. I have finally finished a 4year honors degree..just putting together my thesis while trying to deal with all of this. I have a full-time dream job starting in July, and now I'm in the dreadful predicament as to what to do. Do I give up my chance to give my family the financial stability we have always dreamed of, to be a stay at home 34year old grandmother as Sleepy said??? As for the father, mystery solved. He's a scumbag(excuse the term..angry again) who has fecked off to another county

hattoncracker

argosy2006 wrote: »

Can't you just raise kid as your son or daughter,
You really telling me your kicking her out to raise kid?
No,
Exactly,

Em.. I'm having a bit of trouble understanding what you're saying here.. If it's that you think the OP should just raise her grandchild as her own and pretend then that's an awful idea.

argosy2006

team fop wrote: »

Ok first of all I would like to thank each and every poster for your honesty and support! I have been blown away. But it has made me realise this situation is not abnormal in today's society. I would just like to clarify a few things in reply to posts. My family are disgusted this has happened as we all know my daughter is extremely vulnerable and immature. As msthe80's pointed out "we are not dealing with the average 15year old". I love the bones of my daughter as much as she hates me (normal teenage attitude ) but I am do scared about where we go from here. She is refusing to talk to a third party, we have been in family therapy for over a year and she refuses to engage.. I continue to attend in the hope that 1day she will change her mind. She also refuses to engage with a psychologist.
I have never asked her to have an abortion or consider adoption, I am trying to get her to open up and see the bigger picture. I go some paperwork from positive options so maybe she will eventually contact them herself..til then I'll keep trying.
I would also like to say well done to all you young mothers out there who have made it, well done to Lola92. I know what your talking about. I have finally finished a 4year honors degree..just putting together my thesis while trying to deal with all of this. I have a full-time dream job starting in July, and now I'm in the dreadful predicament as to what to do. Do I give up my chance to give my family the financial stability we have always dreamed of, to be a stay at home 34year old grandmother as Sleepy said??? As for the father, mystery solved. He's a scumbag(excuse the term..angry again) who has fecked off to another county

Fecked off to another country? He's a man then, Not some 14 years old boy,?

argosy2006

hattoncracker wrote: »

Em.. I'm having a bit of trouble understanding what you're saying here.. If it's that you think the OP should just raise her grandchild as her own and pretend then that's an awful idea.

Its what will happen, Parents left holding the daughters baby,
You really believe they will abandon her,NOt help,
Helping then becomes more, and before you know it, daughter is out enjoying life and parents are at home with kid,
Or worse case it happens again,'' as first time was not so bad''
So could arrive home pregnant again at 17,
Worse case of course,

hattoncracker

argosy2006 wrote: »

Its what will happen, Parents left holding the daughters baby,
You really believe they will abandon her,NOt help,
Helping then becomes more, and before you know it, daughter is out enjoying life and parents are at home with kid,
Or worse case it happens again,'' as first time was not so bad''
So could arrive home pregnant again at 17,
Worse case of course,

So how many pregnant teenage daughters do you have, speaking from what must be experience to make such a generalised statement.

hattoncracker

team fop wrote: »

Ok first of all I would like to thank each and every poster for your honesty and support! I have been blown away. But it has made me realise this situation is not abnormal in today's society. I would just like to clarify a few things in reply to posts. My family are disgusted this has happened as we all know my daughter is extremely vulnerable and immature. As msthe80's pointed out "we are not dealing with the average 15year old". I love the bones of my daughter as much as she hates me (normal teenage attitude ) but I am do scared about where we go from here. She is refusing to talk to a third party, we have been in family therapy for over a year and she refuses to engage.. I continue to attend in the hope that 1day she will change her mind. She also refuses to engage with a psychologist.
I have never asked her to have an abortion or consider adoption, I am trying to get her to open up and see the bigger picture. I go some paperwork from positive options so maybe she will eventually contact them herself..til then I'll keep trying.
I would also like to say well done to all you young mothers out there who have made it, well done to Lola92. I know what your talking about. I have finally finished a 4year honors degree..just putting together my thesis while trying to deal with all of this. I have a full-time dream job starting in July, and now I'm in the dreadful predicament as to what to do. Do I give up my chance to give my family the financial stability we have always dreamed of, to be a stay at home 34year old grandmother as Sleepy said??? As for the father, mystery solved. He's a scumbag(excuse the term..angry again) who has fecked off to another county

OP, this is just absolutely awful for you. But you've worked really hard and fair play to you for getting your degree. Your daughter reminds me of my sister when she was younger, she had very similar behaviour to your daughter. Have you tried to get her talking to a counsellor on her own? If it's family therapy you're in maybe there are things she would rather say without you in the room? It really helped my sister.

titchy

hattoncracker wrote: »

team fop wrote: »

Ok first of all I would like to thank each and every poster for your honesty and support! I have been blown away. But it has made me realise this situation is not abnormal in today's society. I would just like to clarify a few things in reply to posts. My family are disgusted this has happened as we all know my daughter is extremely vulnerable and immature. As msthe80's pointed out "we are not dealing with the average 15year old". I love the bones of my daughter as much as she hates me (normal teenage attitude ) but I am do scared about where we go from here. She is refusing to talk to a third party, we have been in family therapy for over a year and she refuses to engage.. I continue to attend in the hope that 1day she will change her mind. She also refuses to engage with a psychologist.
I have never asked her to have an abortion or consider adoption, I am trying to get her to open up and see the bigger picture. I go some paperwork from positive options so maybe she will eventually contact them herself..til then I'll keep trying.
I would also like to say well done to all you young mothers out there who have made it, well done to Lola92. I know what your talking about. I have finally finished a 4year honors degree..just putting together my thesis while trying to deal with all of this. I have a full-time dream job starting in July, and now I'm in the dreadful predicament as to what to do. Do I give up my chance to give my family the financial stability we have always dreamed of, to be a stay at home 34year old grandmother as Sleepy said??? As for the father, mystery solved. He's a scumbag(excuse the term..angry again) who has fecked off to another county

OP, your doing amazing, for what its worth ide say dont make any rash decisions about your new career plans youve obviously worked so hard for!

And dont mind small minded people, unless someone has something constructive to add like actual offers of help dont give them your time,

Again for what its worth ide wonder has your daughter not realised the full extent and consequences of her situation?

Perhaps as someone said one to one counselling might help. She might be more willing to listen to the truth from an unbiased 3rd party then she may talk to you about what she wants, and in turn you to tell her what exactly you are and not willing to help her with.

Best wishes for you and your family, thinking of you all

team fop

We have tried numerous councellors! Professionals are baffled by her, I'm often told I deserve a medal..I don't want a medal, I just want a somewhat normal relationship with my daughter. There's not a day that goes by where me and her dad don't tell her We love her or stop trying. I always had it in my head that someday she will be ashamed at the way she treats us, but at least she would know I never gave up on her. But this a nightmare , I am at the end of my tether! And the dad isn't a man, he's a 17year old boy who is a member of the travelling community..that has just crushed me further, how in gods name do u deal with that! I know she's very angry and I'm doing my best to push my angry away and be strong for her, but it's getting really hard now with that news

Lola92

Huge hugs to you. You have such a positive attitude despite all you have been through as a family even before this. Just keep taking it one day at a time and hopefully things will improve for the better soon. This could be what it takes for her to mature and become a young woman that you will be proud of. I am sure in years to come she will come to recognise and understand all that you did for her and how much you tried to help her through everything. x

titchy

Again for what its worth I think you should stick with your career path anything else that happens will just have to fit in around that , and with what you are able and prepared to do.

with his age is that not statutory rape?

I feel for you and the situation your in,

Im sorry I dont know how you will get her to see the realities of her situation, maybe a local social woker?

team fop

titchy wrote: »

with his age is that not statutory rape?

I feel for you and the situation your in,

Im sorry I dont know how you will get her to see the realities of her situation, maybe a local social woker?

I was thinking the same thing, but pressing charges I don't think would help the current situation it may drive a wedge further between us, but I will keep it in the back of my mind. As for the local social work team, a friend of mine made that suggestion. She also suggested crisis centres ..Bessborough house and Cura care. I looked them up online and they give residential support to teens in crisis pregnancy situations but I'm uneducated about these places and would like to hear from anyone who has experiences with dealing with similar care supports

eviltwin

I was homeless for a period during my pregnancy and spent some time in one of the care homes. I found it a very positive experience. It was a long time ago now so I'm not sure how they work today but back then I was assigned a social worker who was a great support. Its an option but if you suggest it be careful your daughter doesn't take it the wrong way, she could easily see it as a way of 'getting rid' of her. Would your daughter consider maybe talking to other young mums? It might help her to talk to one of her peers.

KittyeeTrix

Jeez Team Fop, I'll be honest and say I really haven't a clue how you'd deal with this situation as you've described it. It's one of the reasons I was so happy to see a forum to cater for parents of teens created here on Boards..........It's a minefield of a time for some parents.

I have 15 and 18 year old boys and a daughter who is only 12 so I haven't had to deal with this situation and hopefully I never will have to.

I just wanted to say we're all here to listen even if we can't help properly and hopefully some other posters will have some better practical advice than what I can offer..

Keep strong girl x:)

Rabbitandcavy

Good luck OP!
I wouldn't contact the Father, or press charges against him. It sounds like a door you wouldn't want to open to be honest. Of course, it's up to your daughter if she wants to contact him or not.

JoJoK

OP, you've worked hard to get this far, and were a young enough mum like myself. I also went on to uni etc in order to make a better living for my family. Unfortunately, this happened with my daughter when she was 15 too. Challenging behaviour from about 12 onwards. She's 26 now and hasn't changed. Did everything you have, counselling, family therapy, psychologists, psycho therapy, cranial massage, blah blah... none of it worked. She's been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder. CBT, NLP etc.. with no cure because you have to want to change. They reckon she may have ingested something to cause it because she was such a lovely kid up until 12. I don't know anymore!

She and her first child lived with me for the first 4 years of her life and we bonded, probably too much. I got into debt because of all of the baby's needs and trying to cover childcare, then preschool. My daughter did a little of the work but not much. She exerted control over the child and me and wielded her like a weapon... If I don't get what I want, I'm out of here with her... Was so very hard. She became pregnant again by the same waster four years later - he kept sniffing around - no financial contributions mind - and there were so many dramatics and incidents I can't even begin to go into them. He was also a member of the travelling community. He warned me and her numerous times he was NEVER letting her go, she is his!!

It all came to a head when the second baby was born and he wanted to move in with us. When I refused she left with both babies and I wasn't allowed to see them for 9 months. She pulled the eldest out of school, away from everything that was familiar to her, to live in a cold, damp kip with a baby and a heroin addict dad. I can't begin to tell you of all of the trials and tribulations over the years with them, the calls in the night, the constant pressure. I notified social workers of the childrens circumstances in the hopes it would make them - my daughter and her 'partner' pull their socks up but they just wanted to take the kids into care. Said my daughter wasn't fit and he was a danger to them. It's been a never ending nightmare!

At this point in time, her first baby is 11 and lives with another of my girls now, has done for the past 6 years. My daughter objected to me having her here full time as she felt that the child was too close to me and thinks of me as a mother. I couldn't help that as I had, by default when she wasn't being cared for by her mother, tended to try to compensate and fill in the gaps.
She still has a sleepover here once or twice a week and is a little treasure - very like her mum until she changed. The little guy has various special needs and needs to stay in hospital most of the time. Officially I'm his guardian but again, it's another daughter who looks after him mostly. Won't go into it here but it's a hereditary problem.

My daughter is still as difficult to deal with as she was as a teenager, and although she has tried to part with this guy - he's been in prison 5 times in the past 7 years - each time he gets out, she gets back in there. It's a vicious circle. I've suggested to her repeatedly over the years to emigrate with me and the children, to move far away but she won't even consider it. She would get them back if he was out of the picture and she would comply with various interventions such as family support worker etc.

So, as someone who's been through all of this and still going through it, as someone who loves their daughter and all of my grandchildren, I would say by all means keep the lines of communication open, but don't let that window pass when an abortion is no longer possible. To those of you who disagree, I did too, before this last 11 year unremitting nightmare began. Although I love both children dearly, I am very sorry I wasn't stronger with my daughter back then and didn't insist on her having an abortion. And I never, ever thought I'd say that, by the way.

To those young mothers who have made it, I salute you and envy your mothers, their efforts have more than paid off, mine have simply left me frazzled and defeated.

Sorry this is so long, I hardly ever post, preferring to take a back seat, but I do feel it's important that the OP knows what can happen in situations such as this.

Abi

team fop wrote: »

I keep questioning where did I go wrong, what could I have done differently!!???

I just thought I'd pick this comment out, because you are in no way responsible for her becoming pregnant. Nobody expects you to follow your daughter around 24/7. Parents of teens will all have the same fear, that when they're out and about they will not have unprotected sex. All a parent can hope to do is guide their child in the right direction. You've done all in your power to reconnect with your daughter and she has slammed your every attempt.

So shes pregnant. I don't mean to be rude - but fúck anyone who is turning their noses up at your daughter. None of them matter. From here on in you take care of yourself and your daughters health. I'm guessing until shes got a proper bump on her, the reality of it all won't hit home. Im just imagining myself in that position at that age, and I don't think I'd be long looking for support from my parents when the bump shows up.

Try to stay strong, you're doing a great job -even if the communication is broken down at the moment. Shes going to need your support, just stay determined and be there for her when it suddenly hits home for her.

Best of luck to you and your daughter TF (:

team fop

JojoK I salute u!!! You are an amazing woman to live through all of that and be still standing to tell the tale! Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it has given me such strength to follow what both my head and heart is telling me! I wrote her a letter last nite, and she threw it in the fire without reading it. Hard ball from here on in, it's tough love..she needs to engage with a third party, someone has to make her see what she's in for, I am not rearing her child my duty to mother nature is well and truly done. I haven't gotten myself in debt to re-educate myself to be a stay at home grandma, I will not put my younger daughter through anymore upheaval because of my teenagers behaviours. I will get my thesis in, and tackle this face on. I'm so scared but it has to be done, if she speaks with a 3rd party and gets ALL of the facts of the consequences of having unprotected sex (baby sti's the lot) and still wants to go ahead with this pregnancy I will re-access the situation.
I wish someone would write a handbook on rearing teens...there's millions to be made..no wait billions lol! In fact a book like that would be priceless

perri winkles

Jojok I have to say I read your post and felt totally in awe of you I don't know how you got through all that, you are such a strong person.

I think it is great that people are sharing their experiences of teen pregnancy and how everything turned out ok. Of course it is possible to get through these situations and come out the other side, but the op's daughter sounds like another kettle of fish.

I think it needs to be said that from the daughter's behaviour, it looks like the op will be left literally holding the baby. It's all well and good to say this could be the making of her, but we need to look at the reality of the situation.

The daughter still lives with the OP. She obviously doesn't work. The dad doesn't sound like he's going to contribute. So responsibility for everything from clothing to childcare is going to fall squarely on the OP's shoulders. It is alot to take on. A new baby eats up time, ALOT of money, and leaves you pyhsically and mentally exhausted. I think it is a huge gamble to take, hoping that it will give her a kick up the bum etc to grown up and mature. What if it doesn't? What if she continues this behaviour after baby is born? Someone will have to look after the child and lets face it that someone will be the OP.

OP, honestly If I was in your situation i would be suggesting an abortion. First of course you need to just let her know that you are willing to talk it through. Don't go in all guns blazing she'll dig her heels in even more. I would take on board what jojok said though, there is only a limited window of time for a termination if that is on the cards. I know this is something that can't be rushed, that she will have to come to you but it's good to be aware of it.

I'm sorry you've been faced with this situation and I wish you all the best I really hope everything works out for your family.