The biggest mistake of my life

LegacyUser

I'm writing this without logging on for obvious reasons.

I'm 40 and have been married for 4 years. My wife is very loving, very kind, and we're happy together. We have our problems of course, but we've worked through them so far. It's been a little tough these last few months as we've been going to a Fertility Clinic. But I love her and she loves me.

And yet, despite all that, I was unfaithful to her a couple of nights ago. It was with an old friend of mine, there has always been a spark between us ( since we were teenagers ) and we've kept in touch over the years. We never got together, as one or the other of us were spoken for. We saw each other over the weekend, some texts where swapped, then some more, they got flirty, I'm sure you've heard it all before. I visited her a couple of nights ago to discuss this development, and basically say that it has to stop. But she kissed me, and I kissed her back, when I should have stopped her. We spent the rest of the evening kissing and more, but didn't sleep together, though she wanted to. It was weird, the kiss was nice ( part of me had always wanted to know what it would be like to kiss her ) but after that I didn't really enjoy it, but I didn't stop it either, until the topic of sex itself came up.

I felt so bad, but what I had done didn't really hit me until the next morning. Yesterday was the worst day of my life. I just can't believe what I've done, how I've betrayed my wife's love and trust in me. I spent the day shaking and crying, I just have a constant ache in my gut from the guilt and remorse. I made such a massive mistake and now I have to live with it, for the rest of my life.

My initial reaction was that she could never, ever know. It's bad enough that I've done this, but the hurt and pain I would cause her by telling her is immense. It's my mistake, and I have to deal with it. But I also want to tell her, to be honest with her as we have been up to now. I think though that part of the reason for wanting to tell her is 'cos it's such a huge thing to carry on my own, and that's clearly the wrong reason for telling her, to make it easier on myself. Not that it would, I'd lose everything. I know she won't find out unless I tell her, I haven't ( nor will I ) tell anyone and neither will my friend, we discussed that at the end of the night.

The way I see it, I have two choices. I can be honest with her and break her heart, or not tell her and fix this myself. I've made an appointment with a Counsellor to discuss this and discuss what issues I have so I can work on it and be a better husband. I've never been unfaithful before and I know I couldn't again. I can't imagine how anyone can be unfaithful and 'be ok' with it, the pain and guilt of what I've done, the disgust with myself and the thought of how I could lose everything is crippling me.

Part of me knows that this will get easier for me ( and I hate myself for that ), and that with time this crippling guilt will lessen, that's human nature. But part of me knows that it will never go away completely, that I'll always have this guilt, this remorse, it's my burden now, and one that I deserve. All I want to do is spend the rest of my life being the best husband I can be to her, but I know she deserves so much more than me.

hondasam

Stop beating yourself up, it was a few kisses, you should not have done it but you are not a bad person. Mark it down as one little indiscretion.

loughallenlass

I genuinely believe you are sorry and I feel for you (why i don't know as my partner of 6 years told me last week he slept with his ex 3/4 years ago)

Initially the decisions is yours but personally myself, now having the information, I'd have been happier not knowing! He told me because the guilt was killing him and he was afraid I would find out.

Talk to a professional and seek their guidance. I do hope it works out for you whatever you decide to do.

ElleEm

The pain of the guilt is your punishment for doing something you know you shouldn't have done.
You need to erase this woman's number, never speak with her again and focus on your wife.

Miss Fluff

I wouldn't rock an otherwise solid marriage (and in the process erode the trust and bond you have) because of this. You're evidently punishing yourself quite enough and if you can guarantee that this will never happen again then don't tell her. You HAVE TO cut this woman out of your life now though, you cannot be friends with her. You see you are feeling guilty now but what if things are tough for you and your wife down the line and a little voice in your head says "well I got away with it once....." Do you see where I'm coming from? Erase this woman from your life and work on keeping your marriage secure. Do not tell your wife, you will potentially end your relationship over what looks to all intents and purposes was an ill-judged indescretion rather than a full-blown love affair. Chalk it down and move on.

P. Breathnach

Yes, you did wrong, and you should feel some guilt.

But at least you had the good sense to stop before it became too serious. It reads to me as if you are hitting yourself with a bit more guilt than the facts warrant. Cut down on the guilt; feel a bit bad about what you did; protect the future by avoiding all contact with this woman; look after yourself and your wife.

LegacyUser

My advice would be not to tell her and your punishment for all this of course is having to carry the guilt around with you. I think not telling her is the best move here because for a start you genuinely sound remorseful and you shouldn't wreck your own life and hers by telling her when you clearly regret doing what you did, it was a one off, you didnt have sex and you are certain that you won't let it happen again.
Another reason not to tell her is the fact that this wasn't a drunken fumble and was certainly pre-meditated as you sent each other texts building up to it and to be fair you shouldn't have called around in person just to tell her that you think the texts should be knocked in the head. You and your wife are obviously going through a fairly strenuous part of your life and you don't need to make things any more complicated. Deal with the guilt on your own, try and be the same supportive husband im sure you have been for your wife and don't ever text that woman or any other woman in a non-platonic way as you are laying the groundwork for infidelity via the seemingly harmless texts. Let it be a lesson, chalk it down to experience and in time you might even be glad of this indiscretion as no doubt it has served as a revelation of exactly how important your wife is to you.

One final point, if you can at all help it, I wouldn't confide in a family member or a friend about this as you will always know that they know and you can't be sure that it won't be revealed at some time in the future for one reason or another.

Best of Luck.

LegacyUser

I just want to write a quick note to say thank you to everyone who replied.

Despite how I'm feeling about myself at the moment, I'd be lying if it hasn't felt good to read supportive, understanding messages. It really means a lot to me, and it helps how I feel, even though I also feel like I don't deserve to feel better, if that makes sense?

All of your thoughts and suggestions are much appreciated. guest123321 is correct, this really has brought into focus how important my wife is to me, and how lucky I am. I just hate that something like this had to happen for me to realise it. I've always been the 'nice guy', everyone thinks so, and it's killing me to interact with people who have such a good opinion of me and I'm thinking 'you don't know the truth'.

But taking your comments on board, I need to try to realise this was a mistake, we all make them, and that I can move on from this and learn. Going to the Counsellor will definitely help.

It's tough not talking to any of my friends, the people I trust, about this, but I know I can't, no-one can ever find out ( apart from the Counsellor ). It's mine alone to carry. But I'm glad I posted here on Boards, right now it's made the load a little more bearable.

Thanks again...

hondasam

Remorse wrote: »

I just want to write a quick note to say thank you to everyone who replied.

Despite how I'm feeling about myself at the moment, I'd be lying if it hasn't felt good to read supportive, understanding messages. It really means a lot to me, and it helps how I feel, even though I also feel like I don't deserve to feel better, if that makes sense?

No one is perfect we all make mistakes, it's what we learn from them that matters. Put it behind you and try not dwell on it.
If this is the only bad thing you have done or will do again then you are not a bad person. Sometimes we need something to happen for us to truly appreciate what we have.
good luck:)

I am a friend

Seems strange you chose to meet her to discuss the texts. Was this premeditated on some level??

dellas1979

Good people make bad mistakes.

You know it was a mistake and you are going to sort your head out. So fair play to you.

LegacyUser

I went to her to talk about this change in our friendship, sort it out and move on, not an easy thing to do over text and I thought it better in person. I definitely didn't visit her with a plan to kiss her.

However, let's not pretend that she forced me to do anything. As I've said, there's been a spark between us for years, and because nothing ever happened, I think both of us have been curious. I had wondered what kissing her would be like. Not every day, or even every time I saw her, but sometimes it's been there.

I guess I thought or hoped that I was a better, stronger man than I am, and that I could talk this through with her and that would be that, we'd move on and put some flirty texts behind us. But when the opportunity came to be strong, I wasn't.

All I can do is my best to be strong now, get this sorted on my own and never let any of it hurt my wife.

Belfastmedic

It's good that you feel guilty and you are trying to fix it.

Fair play for having remorse is all i can say, there are some men out there who have no remorse for what they do!

Stavro Mueller

I'm glad you're going to a counsellor because it sounds like you need to get a lot of stuff off your chest. Better to tell someone like that than a person you know.

What you need to do as well is decide what to do about this other woman. To paraphrase Gerry Adams, she hasn't gone away you know. Is it wise to be friends with her after what happened last night?

Kebab

Remorse, will your wife know you're going to a counsellor? Will you have to lie to her and say it's for some other reason, like will you use the fertility journey you are on as the reason?

I'm not in the same position exactly but myself and my husband have been trying fo ra baby for 3 years. A few months ago I found emails he'd been exchanging with someone he knows through work and it had gotten to the stage where they were sending each other photos of each other (explicit photos). They were planning on meeting up a few days after I found the emails, so it never happened.

I don't blame our fertility problems for it, I blame his curiosity. I confronted him about it immediately and we had a rough few days. I still don't trust him and don't know if I ever will properly again. But I love him and he has told me he will never do anything so stupid again. I can only believe him when he says this.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't say anything to your wife. It was a few kisses, you didn't sleep with this girl and you are wracked with guilt about it. Don't ruin the trust your wife has in you for just a few kisses that you will never repeat - believe me, trust is nearly impossible to get back once lost. I hope my husband has also had a fright and will never repeat what he did.

Good luck with the counselling,

Kx

LegacyUser

Once again thanks to everyone for their advice, I really do appreciate it.

@Kebab - She does know that I'm going to a Counsellor. We'd already discussed in the last couple of weeks some of the more recent difficulties we've had, and I had realised a few things about myself that I wanted to sort out. Nothing major, but just things I could do or handle better. Obviously, this was before I was unfaithful, and clearly that will be discussed a lot with the Counsellor, but so will these other things. So while I'm not just going for the reasons my wife knows about, I don't feel like I'm making up reasons to go either, if that makes sense?

As for my friend, it would be very noticable if I just completely cut her out of my life. We're very old friends and we normally see each other, along with other old friends, 2 or 3 times a year. If I suddenly stopped going, it would look very strange. However, I can clearly reduce contact ( basically texting, non-platonic or otherwise ) between these get togethers, and also make sure we're not together alone during them. That way, as strongly as I know that this will never happen again, I'm also not putting myself in that position.

I am a friend

Best of luck OP and now go and make sure you delete the internet browsing history and those texts!!!

LegacyUser

The texts are long gone, and the browsing history will be. It seems so sneaky, but whatever it takes so she never knows.

Thanks once again to everyone for their help...

ihsb

I am going to go out on a limb and tell you that you should tell your wife.

You are not going to be able to cut this woman out of your life because it would be too obvious so there is a decent chance that your wife will find out. If she doesn't find out now, she will down the line. I don't know how it will happen but I think it probably will. Maybe the woman will tell her, maybe someone she has confided in, I don't know.

All I know is that I am sure she would prefer to hear it from you, not from someone else. It is the lies that kills a relationship.

amtc

I would always advise to be honest but in this case you know what happened and you are taking steps to address it.

There is no point in causing hurt to your wife. Nothing will be gained.

Stay quiet. Be a man about it.

Also, what no-one has said, how does your friend feel? Try staying being a friend to her - maybe from a distance for a while - or at least ensuring she has some support (been off work this week so coming over all jeremy kyle with addiction to daytime tv)

LegacyUser

Obviously there's a fear that my wife will somehow find out, not because I'd be caught, but because she'd be hurt, even more so than if I told her. While at the moment I'm going with not telling her, I am going to discuss this with the Counsellor & get their professional opinion of it. But I do feel not telling her is the best option, why should she suffer for my mistake?

My friend & I talked about it & both agreed we could never tell anyone. She too knows the hurt it would cause so all I can do is trust that she won't change her mind, as she has to trust me that I won't.

In the end, she is still a friend & I do hope she's doing ok. She has her own stuff going on ( which I won't go into here, it's her stuff and it's not my place to air it ). All I can try to do is like amtc says, try to be a friend to her from afar, just to make sure she's ok.

None of this is easy, it's complicated as hell and a nightmare. But that's what I get for making such a massive mistake and putting everything at risk.

Miss Fluff

Remorse wrote: »

My friend & I talked about it & both agreed we could never tell anyone. She too knows the hurt it would cause so all I can do is trust that she won't change her mind, as she has to trust me that I won't.

In the end, she is still a friend & I do hope she's doing ok. She has her own stuff going on ( which I won't go into here, it's her stuff and it's not my place to air it ). All I can try to do is like amtc says, try to be a friend to her from afar, just to make sure she's ok.

Wooaaahhhhh there :eek: The advice from people has been to cut contact with this woman and you seem hell-bent on not doing so. You want to make sure she's ok? You need to make sure your MARRIAGE is ok and I think a small sacrifice to make is terminating your relationship with this woman. I don't get why you're so intent on keeping her in your life after the very close shave you have just had tbh.

I am a friend

Remorse wrote: »

she is still a friend .

No she isnt.... She is now an ex who was willing to ruin your marriage... She kissed you and not because she wants you and your wife to have a long and happy life together...

If you have any respect for your wife, you need to stay away from this woman. No texting and no contact unless you have to meet socially and certainly no more home visits.

The fact you are unwilling to cut her off makes me think this will happen again.

LegacyUser

You're both right. As much as I want 'everyone' to be ok, that's naive, and in the end my wife is the most important person.

Like I said, there will be some occasions that it would just be too strange for me not to be there, with my gang of friends ( including her ). But apart from that I need to break contact and focus on my marriage.

Really can't wait to talk with the counsellor about this, it's so tough being with my wife and trying to be normal, seeing how she loves me and knowing what I've done. That's the guilt and remorse I have to live with. It's even worse when for a second I'm just happy to be beside her, and then it hits again. But that's my problem, not my wife's, and I just need to work on being there for her and work on myself with the counsellor.

Thanks a lot for all the advice you've all given, I can't say how much it's helped.

LegacyUser

Remorse wrote: »

Like I said, there will be some occasions that it would just be too strange for me not to be there, with my gang of friends ( including her ). But apart from that I need to break contact and focus on my marriage.

Remorse, you made a pretty big mistake. You were unfaithful to your wife and regardless of what route you wish to take, that has consequences. I'm afraid you need to break ALL contact with this woman. Out of repect for your wife if not yourself. How do you think your wife will feel when she finds out, and she will find out, in 10 years time when you've continued the friendship. She'll wonder how many other indescretions there were over the years. Then your marriage really will be over. It might be awkward and it might be a sacrifice but if your serious you have no option.

Remorse wrote: »

Really can't wait to talk with the counsellor about this, it's so tough being with my wife and trying to be normal, seeing how she loves me and knowing what I've done. That's the guilt and remorse I have to live with. It's even worse when for a second I'm just happy to be beside her, and then it hits again. But that's my problem, not my wife's, and I just need to work on being there for her and work on myself with the counsellor.

I hate to burst your bubble but i cannot believe that the majority of the advice on here is to say nothing. One of the most important traits for me in a partner is honesty and loyalty. Without that a relationship is doomed to fail. With real love comes forgivness and an ability to recognise eachothers mistakes and weaknesses but being unfaithful and lying about it for any reason is not the key to a happy marriage.

LegacyUser

OP, sorry to hear about your troubles and the level of guilt your feeling is punishment enough IMO - say nothing to her as this will only put more unnecessay pressure on ye both.

One question, will you tell her about the counsellor end of it? if you deceive her about this the old saying "Oh what a tangled web we weave. When first we practice to deceive......." comes to mind.

Lolajay

Yea, I was in a similar relationship with a guy a few years ago who cheated on me and felt awful, it was a drunk kiss to a girl in a nightclub - night quite the same thing but it was eating him up so he told me and even though I believed him 100% that he was sorry and he never meant for it to happen and it meant nothing.....we broke up soon after, I lost my trust. I went crazy everytime he went out and I just couldn't relax even though I knew it was unlikely he would make the same mistake twice I couldn't get it out of my head. I am happy with someone else now but for a long time I just wished he hadn't told me

hondasam

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Wooaaahhhhh there :eek: The advice from people has been to cut contact with this woman and you seem hell-bent on not doing so. You want to make sure she's ok? You need to make sure your MARRIAGE is ok and I think a small sacrifice to make is terminating your relationship with this woman. I don't get why you're so intent on keeping her in your life after the very close shave you have just had tbh.

I don't think he needs to cut all contact with this woman, she is a friend. We all need friends outside of our partners. They had a few kisses and there is an attraction but they are both adults and can deal with it.

The Bishop Basher

hondasam wrote: »

I don't think he needs to cut all contact with this woman, she is a friend. We all need friends outside of our partners. They had a few kisses and there is an attraction but they are both adults and can deal with it.

I think they've proven that they can't.

hondasam

Swanner wrote: »

I think they've proven that they can't.

I think her friendship is important to him and I think they can if they set the boundaries. He would not see her everyday or anything like that but they can chat on the phone.

ihsb

hondasam wrote: »

I think her friendship is important to him and I think they can if they set the boundaries. He would not see her everyday or anything like that but they can chat on the phone.

I am pretty sure there were boundaries in place ever since he said "I do" to his wife. True you need friends outside of a relationship, but you do not have people that you have done something like this with as friends if you want your relationship to work.

They were chatting before, it lead to flirting, cheating emotionally maybe, and then actually cheating physically. It is a slippery slope.

hondasam

ihsb wrote: »

I am pretty sure there were boundaries in place ever since he said "I do" to his wife. True you need friends outside of a relationship, but you do not have people that you have done something like this with as friends if you want your relationship to work.

They were chatting before, it lead to flirting, cheating emotionally maybe, and then actually cheating physically. It is a slippery slope.

Temptation is a good thing you just have to learn to resist it, flirting is harmless, I know they kissed but if it was me I don't think I would end the friendship.

Pessimist

I'm sorry but I think you are really just trying to make yourself feel better. You can't not tell your wife - how would you feel if she kissed someone else but never told you? Would you prefer not to know? I expect my partner to be honest about these things and he expects the same from me - without fidelity, commitment and honesty - what have we got left?

You hurt your wife when you sent those flirty texts, when you arranged to meet this friend, when you kissed this friend, when you kept this from your wife. The damage is already done IMO and if she ever finds out about this, the fact that you kept this from her will hurt just as much as the infidelity itself. You are trying to create life with your wife and have children - do you really want this gaping hole in the substance of your marriage to be left burning a hole?

I'm sorry but can you honestly say that you didn't have the slightest inkling that something might happen when you went to meet this friend to discuss the texts?

I know I am being harsh but you know in your heart of hearts that the reason you're not telling your wife is because you don't want to lose her. Not hurting her is a secondary reason. The fact that you think you can remain friends with this friend is a separate but still important issue. Are you wanting to have your cake and eat it too?

I hope you can be honest with yourself and your wife as there are reasons for this infidelity and you need to deal with them before you have children.

The Bishop Basher

hondasam wrote: »

I think her friendship is important to him and I think they can if they set the boundaries. He would not see her everyday or anything like that but they can chat on the phone.

Get your point but disagree. I would put my wife first.

LegacyUser

Some differing opinions here now, making my head twist and turn, but I do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply.

In the middle of all this it's hard to clarify my thoughts and emotions. Of course I don't want to lose my wife. And I don't want to hurt her either. And I don't want to lose everything. And I want to be honest with her. And I want us to be ok. And I wish none of this had happened and I'd just been a better husband. It's not easy to pinpoint which emotion is the primary one. They are all interconnected anyhow. If I don't tell her 'cos I don't want to hurt her, how can I ignore that it also means I won't lose her? If I be honest & tell her, how can I ignore that also means I unburden myself of the guilt?

If the situation were reversed, I *think* I would never want to know, but how can I tell unless it happened to me?

Right now, I feel like not telling her is the way to go, if I can sort myself out and be the husband she needs. I'm hanging on to the thought of seeing the Counsellor and getting professional advice before I make any decision. If the Counsellor advises me that I should tell her, then I have to face that. This isn't me ignoring responsibilty and letting someone else decide. It's me trying to get help and not feck up my life even more. If I'm going to tell her, one more week won't make that much of a difference, will it? If I do tell it, I can never ever undo that.

How could anyone be unfaithful and feel ok about it? This is just a nightmare. I can't get rid of the guilt and remorse in my gut. And I know I deserve it too.

Virgil°

how can I ignore that also means I unburden myself of the guilt?

This point always gets brought up in these scenarios and i've never understood it. Well i lie, i know its an excuse but it doesn't make sense unless you've got the lightest conscience imaginable.

Trust me, if you tell her, unless she doesn't care about the incident, what you feel won't be a relief from your guilt.

I am a friend

Your councillor won't/ shouldn't tell you what to do. This is the fall out from your actions - your next actions cam make or break you and only you can decide what to do...

Your guilt is your punishment. why would you hand it over to her - so you feel better and she feels worse?

P. Breathnach

Remorse wrote: »

... And I want to be honest with her....

I believe that even in good relationships people are only truthful with one another to a limited extent. Sometimes the motives for concealing things are selfish (to keep oneself out of bother) and sometimes the motives are unselfish (to spare the feelings of one's partner). I suspect most often it's a combination. Don't hang yourself on a need to be honest in all things. The issue is whether you should be honest in this one thing - and you have already figured out that it is not at all straightforward. Telling her what happened is disclosure, but you see the possibility that it might be done as some sort of lifting of a burden from you, and perhaps throwing a burden on to her. Where does honesty come into that? This isn't a "tell the truth and face the consequences" game; this is a matter of what is the best and wisest thing to do following on this event.

Set aside for now the questions of guilt and punishment. If you tell your wife what happened, what might the result be? At the worst, it could finish your marriage, and you seem to be in a mindset where you think that perhaps you deserve that. But does she?

You have convinced me of one thing. You have made one bad mistake (with the redemptive element that you stopped before having sex). Your reaction to what you did makes it a good bet that you will never do anything like that again, with her or with anybody else.

I'm doing an odd thing here: I started writing this response without knowing what I was going to suggest to you; I have been feeling my way towards a position, and I imagine that you can guess where I am: you should carry this burden, and you should spare her.

And I truly think you have been less bad than you depict yourself. Wrong, yes; foolish, definitely; evil - I think not.

Kimia

^^ Well written P.

People are very quick to leap on the soap box and start painting life in black and white but the reality is we are human and we make mistakes. Nowhere in your posts did I read anything except remorse and regret for the close shave that you have had.

Life hands us a series of lessons and it's what we do with them that counts. You were flattered that this lady who you've always wondered 'what if' started expressing interest, and your ego fell for it. But, you stopped yourself from betraying your wife beyond some kissing and appear to have genuinely learned from this.

I would say nothing and work on limiting personal contact with this lady. She is unpredictable in this and you really do not need another woman feeling hard done by and rejected by you so it seems you have already had a frank talk about how it's going no further, so concentrate on holding to that, and focusing on your marriage.

Stavro Mueller

The OP said they're attending a fertility clinic and things have been tough. His wife is feeling somewhat fragile at the moment I should think. The timing of telling her this couldn't be much worse.

Generally speaking I'm up front in insisting a cheater should tell their OH so the OH can make the decisions.
In this case honestly I think it could be better not to tell her -

IF you make sure to cut off contact with this "friend" and not try to have your cake and eat it

blatantrereg

ihsb wrote: »

I am going to go out on a limb and tell you that you should tell your wife.

You are not going to be able to cut this woman out of your life because it would be too obvious so there is a decent chance that your wife will find out. If she doesn't find out now, she will down the line. I don't know how it will happen but I think it probably will. Maybe the woman will tell her, maybe someone she has confided in, I don't know.

All I know is that I am sure she would prefer to hear it from you, not from someone else. It is the lies that kills a relationship.

Pessimist wrote: »

I'm sorry but I think you are really just trying to make yourself feel better. You can't not tell your wife - how would you feel if she kissed someone else but never told you? Would you prefer not to know? I expect my partner to be honest about these things and he expects the same from me - without fidelity, commitment and honesty - what have we got left?

You hurt your wife when you sent those flirty texts, when you arranged to meet this friend, when you kissed this friend, when you kept this from your wife. The damage is already done IMO and if she ever finds out about this, the fact that you kept this from her will hurt just as much as the infidelity itself. You are trying to create life with your wife and have children - do you really want this gaping hole in the substance of your marriage to be left burning a hole?

I'm sorry but can you honestly say that you didn't have the slightest inkling that something might happen when you went to meet this friend to discuss the texts?

I know I am being harsh but you know in your heart of hearts that the reason you're not telling your wife is because you don't want to lose her. Not hurting her is a secondary reason. The fact that you think you can remain friends with this friend is a separate but still important issue. Are you wanting to have your cake and eat it too?

I hope you can be honest with yourself and your wife as there are reasons for this infidelity and you need to deal with them before you have children.

I agree with these posts personally.

It doesn't seem as trivial an issue as people seem to be considering it here tbh. It wasn't a random kiss with a stranger. It was the result of an ongoing interest/buildup over years. The act itself is almost incidental compared to the development of the situation that led to it.

Now you want to stay 'friends' with her, keeping your own little shared secret together - which will just lead to increased sexual tension and intimacy. A secret from your wife - whcih will lead to increased feeling of distance from her. You can't stay friends with her: You never even really were friends with her - it was always in a different context to friendship.

Concealing this just undermines your wife. I see no reason to trust that the other woman will keep it a secret. She just kissed a married man after all so she's not an honourable person. Especially if you decide to do the right thing yourself and ditch her. People can act out in all sorts of ways when you ditch them. Even if she did keep it secret - that shared intimacy of the secret between you (and kept from your wife) is more of a betrayal than the kiss in some ways. You'd have a feeling of gratitude for her for it too - which would be completely inappropriate.

Keeping secrets and being dishonest creates distance. Also there's a good chance your wife is already aware that something is up, given how you describe you are feeling about it. She might well guess it is something to do with the other woman - if you ditch her/act funny about her/if she meets the other woman. You might be able to add insulting her intelligence to the betrayal and dishonesty, should you try to conceal it.

Ditch the other woman. Tell your wife. Simple. No more sneaking about.

girl2

I also think you need to be honest with your wife.

Do the decent thing and come clean. Don't keep that sordid lie under wraps until it comes out in the future (because in my opinion, the truth always comes out) and then your wife will be truly devastated.

Your wife will see the remorse you claim to have and hopefully she will be able to forgive you a move on. But you must allow her that chance.

Do the decent thing OP.

Neyite

All you are thinking about OP is the "right now" of the situation. What happens long term? I presume that this woman is a friend of both you and your wife, since you say that to cut her out of your social circle would be noticeable. So.

Say you decide to not say anything, remain friends with this woman. Maybe at some point your wife will pick up on the chemistry between you two. Maybe it will eventually come out with drink. Maybe the other woman will confide in someone who blows it wide open on the lot of you.

How do you think your wife will feel then knowing that all that time passed where she maybe confided in this other woman, or trusted her with you was all a big fat lie concocted by her husband and her so-called friend. She will re-live all the innocuous remarks made, worry about all the times she left the two of you alone and trusted you both with the trust neither of you deserved.

Right now you have cheated and you lied. You are remoseful. If you dont tell, you will have cheated and lied, and were remorseful but not enough to cut this "friend" out of your lives and concentrate on your marriage. You still want this friend around.

I think its incredibly disrespectful to have your wife unwittingly socialise with the woman who you cheated with during an incredily stressful time for her. Fertility treatment is no walk in the park. Even if its male factor infertilty, the procedures and medications are mostly administered to the female.

And at a time when she was going through all of this, you went behind her back and planned to see where this flirtation was going to go. You can dress it up all you like in the guise of friendship and being "kind", but you flirted with this woman, planned to meet, and kissed many times over the course of the evening.

At any stage, you could have stopped it, you chose not to. All that has happened here is that you realise the grass is greener where you are now. Even now, you are still not putting a stop to it. I dont think you want to, to be honest. If you were truly horrified by what you did, you would not want to see this other woman again. But you do, and I suspect its an ego boost for you that you dont want to give up.

If you love and respect your wife, whether you tell her now or not, the fact that you avoided the woman like the plague after this incident would stand to you should it ever come out. It would show that you were truly horrified by your actions, and changed the situation to ensure that you would never be tempted again.

Herrick

I think you should tell her.

You will end up sitting on a time bomb here, waiting and worrying if it will ever come out. If your as shaken as you say, your wife will probably have noticed something is up.

You didn't kiss some randomer in a club that you can safely say won't ever come out, you both know this woman well.

How can you even think of staying friends with this other woman? Your not just friends anymore, you were intimate together. You can't guarantee that it won't come out eventually. What if she secretly feels scorned? What happens if you and her have a falling out in future or if she blabs to someone else about it while drinking or something? Not only that but its complete disrespect to your wife.

As bad as it may be to tell your wife now, if it comes out later and she realizes you were hiding it from her, which would add a whole other world of pain, you can bet the house she will be gone.

P. Breathnach

Let's get things in proportion:
- In my book (which might not be like anybody else's book) there is a vast gulf between a snog and a shag.
- There are many people who would not count a snog as being unfaithful (I'm not sure where I stand on this, but I'm not the one needing to make decisions).

neuro-praxis

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Let's get things in proportion:
- In my book (which might not be like anybody else's book) there is a vast gulf between a snog and a shag.
- There are many people who would not count a snog as being unfaithful (I'm not sure where I stand on this, but I'm not the one needing to make decisions).

He didn't just snog her. He snogged her "and more". And it was planned.

It doesn't matter what many people consider to be faithful or unfaithful. It only matters what his wife considers unfaithful. If you are suggesting she'd be happy with this scenario, that's laughable tbh.

P. Breathnach

It's for OP, and nobody else, to consider the points of view offered here.

LegacyUser

There seems to have been a real swing on here from 'Don't Tell' to 'Do Tell'. Much like how I am, every day, trying to decide, going from one to the other.

Just a couple of points I'd like to address :

When I wrote about "If I be honest & tell her, how can I ignore that also means I unburden myself of the guilt?", I should really have explained that clearer. I'm not saying that if I tell her then my guilt is gone, of course not. I'm just saying that it's very hard to make the right decision, because each decision could have different reasons for doing it. For example, part of me wants to tell my wife because we're honest with each other and I don't want to keep a secret from her. But I also know if I told her, the weight of that secret would be lifted, the burden of carrying it alone would be gone. I'm not looking for sympathy here, but I've never felt so alone as I have had this last week, not talking to anyone I know or trust about this. So I don't want to tell her *just* so I can lift that particular weight from my shoulders. If I tell her, it has to be for the right reasons ( and the same if I don't tell her ).

After ****ing up everything so much, I'm just trying to make sure I don't make it even worse, and I can see the pros and cons in both sides of the argument. I don't expect an answer tomorrow from my Counsellor. But I do hope that going to Counselling will at least help me realise the right path for me, the right way of dealing with this mess that is, after all, all my own fault. If I realise, through Counselling, that I can deal with this issue ( and I mean really deal with it, not just learn to forget ) without hurting my wife, then maybe I can go that way. If I realise that I can't deal with the issue properly without telling my wife, then I'll have to look at that. My only goal is to try to make the right decision, for my marriage, after this event. As I so clearly failed to do it before the event.

I don't see anything in this situation that is me 'trying to have my cake and eat it'. Trust me, this situation could never be described like that. I have broken contact with my friend. At the moment I can't think of a decent 'public' reason for not going along to our next group get-together, in a few months' time, but I have time to think of one. There will not be any calls or texts or meetings between us. This isn't about me 'getting away with it', and it's not about 'I got away with it the first time, I can do it again'. As Kimia said, I was flattered by the attentions of a friend as I'd wondered in the past what it would be like to kiss her. As I said in my OP, I didn't even enjoy the evening, but of course I didn't stop it immediately either. This isn't something I want to do again, it's not an intimate secret between myself and a friend that we can share knowing looks about. It's a massive mistake we both made and have to deal with. To some of you this may sound like empty posturing, but believe me, this is not going to happen again.

As I also said in my OP, I firmly believe I was unfaithful, and I'm sure my wife would feel that way too. I also firmly believe that if my wife had done the same, been unfaithful with someone, and regretted it like I do, and was trying to deal with it herself, to figure out why it happened and what she can do to ensure she is the best wife she can be to me, and not cause me hurt, then I'd rather not know she'd been unfaithful. Maybe that's naive, maybe it'll be read as 'suiting' my own argument, but I do think that.

This 'I regret it all so much' is not carry on, it's how I feel. It's a cliché, but if I could go back 1 week, I would. Each day that passes adds a day to that sentence. With one evening of stupidity I have risked all that's important in my life. What I'm trying to do right now is not make more mistakes. Asking for people's opinions here on Boards has helped, both the supportive and the harsh ones. Going to the Counselling will hopefully also help. I'm just trying to find the right path to do the right thing for my marriage. And believe me, I know not kissing my friend would have been the perfect first step.

I don't really know what else to say. I never thought I'd be in this position, I was never 'that guy'. If any of my friends knew they'd be stunned, I know they would. Even if I told them I'd done something terrible, this would never occur to them. But here I am. All I can do now is try to do the right thing and save my marriage. Honestly, thanks to you all for your comments, I do appreciate you taking the time. I truly hope none of you are ever in the position to be as stupid as I was.

2rkehij30qtza5

What's done is done and if it was a case that you were going to cut the woman out of your life after what happened, then yes, I'd say to move on and not tell your wife. But the fact that you want to keep this other woman as a friend is absolutely disrespectful to your wife. As such, in my mind you are not truly remorseful as your wife and respecting her should count for so much more than being friends with this other woman. So in light of the fact that you have no intention of cutting the other woman out, I would tell your wife what you have done.
You went over to the other woman's house to discuss how your relationship/feelings/whatever were developing but yet you couldn't just tell her to get lost after what happened?! Hmmmmm....

LegacyUser

Went to the Counsellor this morning. Broke down completely, so tough saying what I'd done out loud, telling someone the very worse about myself. They were able to point out some very obvious things to me, stuff I'd never really heard in one or two sentences before, succintly put. And most of it wasn't easy to hear.

But the process has begun, all I can do now is try to figure out what the best thing to do is.