Family annoyed over sir-name

Shane-KornSpace

Hi all.
My two month old son is soon to be baptised.I'm his dad, by the way.

His sir-name given is the mothers' sir-name, not mine. Im fine with that. When I sent out the invites to the christening, I started getting calls from my family demanding to know why his sirname is not mine. It seems they assumed his sirname was that of my family.
Long story short, they're all very annoyed with me and my other half over this.
My point to them was that is was OUR decision to make. Not theirs - and they should respect that.
I am suddenly feeling very pressured by my dad and other family members to change the name.
Has anybody got any advice? Have any of you been in this situation before?

Thanks.

Ayla

Question: are you & your son's mother married?

Shane-KornSpace

No, we're not. We're only 23 and 24.

Ayla

Then - as far as I understand it - your son doesn't have the right to your surname (although I could be wrong). He would automatically get the mother's surname if you two aren't married.

Actually, thinking more on it, maybe I'm completely wrong on the above. But regardless of the legalities, it was yours & the mother's choice at your son's birth. You made that choice, and regardless of what the family thinks, it's done. They will learn to get over it.

newmammy2011

You can give baby either surname when you are unmarried. Its a personal choice.
Only advice I can give is to tell family to mind their own business!

Mongarra

I'm surprised the family don't like the idea of the child being called Junior Korn-space! Sorry, wrong wording but you know what I mean!

Abi

Newmammy is correct, the child can have either name, or even double barrel it so long as both consent to it.

I don't mean to be rude OP, but your family needs to mind their own business. It's down to you and your partner whatever you decide, and if they don't like it they can lump it.

Moonbeam

I can understand this from both sides.
Having kids while unmarried and also haven grown up in a house where everyone has different surnames.
Maybe you could give your surname as a middle name?
If you ever get married which I will guess is not on the cards anytime soon then they can all take your surname.

Lola92

If the child's name has already been registered then you can't change the sir-name (without doing it by deedpoll etc.) unless you get married.

Tell the family to mind their own business. Just because he has your partners name and not yours does not make him any less your child or part of their family.

Moonbeam

I would suggest applying for guardianship though so you have legal rights.

Sleepy

Tell them you'll change the child's name if they want to pay for the wedding if it's something you're considering anyway

James Jones

Just explain to them that, as an unmarried father, you have absolutely no legal relationship with your son and his mother is in control of each and every decision that is to be made. In fact, the bloke you last bought milk or petrol of has as much of a say in decisions relating to your son as you have.
If they're worried about your lack of involvement when it comes to naming your son, ask them how they'll feel when they discover that his choice of school will have nothing to do with you either, medical matters will be dealt with by the mother alone and that, even if you live with your child for ten years, his mother can just emigrate (see HERE) with him if she wants and there will be nothing you can do.

SUGGESTION: If you care for your child, ask his mum to marry you. It's definitely a better reason to have a day out than because you love his mother and it will give you legal status with your son that a Statutory Declaration or Court Order never will, as such Guardianship can be removed.

Kildrought

Question:

..are you married?...

Answer:

No, we're not. We're only 23 and 24.

I'm amused that the OP suggests they are too young to make a commitment to marry each other but not too young to commit to having a child together!

cynder

Whats done is done, tell them that! there is no going back.

However you can expect 24 questions if you ever try to leave the country with your child.......

tell the family to sod off and mind their own business

seriously though do think about getting married, you currently have about 0 rights

Shane-KornSpace

are the lack of rights as a result of the name given?

no, nothing to do with the name

Shane-KornSpace

Ok, so Joint Guardianship is something to look in to. Thanks for that.

Lola92

Just to point out you don't need to be married to get joint guardianship. You can fill out a simple declaration and get it signed off.

RubyGirl

Op is your name on the birth certificate? If so then this is the only important document not whats on a christening or invites.

Daisy M

I agree it is your decision and your family should respect your choice. However maybe you and your gf should think a little more long term, if you and your gf marry or end up having more children and decide you would like for you all to have the same or a double barrell surname then it would be a little more complicated to change your childs name on the birth cert. If you put both surnames on the cert then you can choose to use one on a day to day basis but have the option to include the other in the future.

Daisy M

Daisy M wrote: »

I agree it is your decision and your family should respect your choice. However maybe you and your gf should think a little more long term, if you and your gf marry or end up having more children and decide you would like for you all to have the same or a double barrell surname then it would be a little more complicated to change your childs name on the birth cert. If you put both surnames on the cert then you can choose to use one on a day to day basis but have the option to include the other in the future.

he can take hers

Lola92

Daisy M wrote: »

I agree it is your decision and your family should respect your choice. However maybe you and your gf should think a little more long term, if you and your gf marry or end up having more children and decide you would like for you all to have the same or a double barrell surname then it would be a little more complicated to change your childs name on the birth cert. If you put both surnames on the cert then you can choose to use one on a day to day basis but have the option to include the other in the future.

It is actually very simple. Changing a child's name in the case if marriage of the parents just requires all involved to go to the registrars office with ID and a copy of original birth cert and marriage cert. A new birth cert with new/changed name will then be issued.

Daisy M

bluewolf wrote: »

he can take hers

If the op was female I would be encouraging her to put both surnames on the birth cert, my advice wasnt given on either the op and his gf using his/her surname in the event of marriage but based on keeping options open in case of a change of circumstances. Like, god forbid the death of one of the parents or a change in the op and his gfs feelings regards surnames.

Lola I didnt know that its great its so simple now.

Daisy M

Daisy M wrote: »

If the op was female I would be encouraging her to put both surnames on the birth cert, my advice wasnt given on either the op and his gf using his/her surname in the event of marriage but based on keeping options open in case of a change of circumstances. Like, god forbid the death of one of the parents or a change in the op and his gfs feelings regards surnames.

Lola I didnt know that its great its so simple now.

i didnt mean marriage i meant deed poll, he can change his, or they can change the kid's

OP, disregard your family's objections. They're being ridiculous.

Shane-KornSpace

thanks for the replies. ive been getting calls from my parents and my grandad, telling me how im direspecting the famiy by not giving him my name.
now im just feeling pressured in to making a change. very annoying

James Jones

Lola92 wrote: »

Just to point out you don't need to be married to get joint guardianship. You can fill out a simple declaration and get it signed off.

Guardianship by either Statutory Declaration or Court Order can be taken from a father by the Court whereas Guardianship by marriage can't.

lazygal

Shane-KornSpace wrote: »

thanks for the replies. ive been getting calls from my parents and my grandad, telling me how im direspecting the famiy by not giving him my name.
now im just feeling pressured in to making a change. very annoying

Point out how disrespectful it would be to your partner's family to give the child your name.

We plan on a double barrel surname for our child, we won't be entertaining any expressions of sorrow or anger from anyone, including our parents. Our family, our decision, no else gets a say.

Lola92

James Jones wrote: »

Guardianship by either Statutory Declaration or Court Order can be taken from a father by the Court whereas Guardianship by marriage can't.

Unless the OP has a reason to believe that his partner intends on trying to remove his guardianship at some stage through the courts or he is a completely unfit parent then he probably doesn't have much to worry about. Marriage is a hell of a step to take just to get 'equal' guardianship of his own child and not necessary if the OP doesn't plan on getting married right now to go rushing into it just for this sake!

OP, tell your family how much they are disrespecting you and your partner by not accepting your wishes on this matter. It is obviously a decision that you both came to together and have considered. Your family need to stick their nose out of it. The child is both of yours equally and I don't know why they think that their name is so superior as to deserve a place beside your child's name rather than his mothers name.

I am not married to my partner and our daughter has my name and we are both very proud of that.

James Jones

Lola92 wrote: »

Marriage is a hell of a step to take just to get 'equal' guardianship of his own child and not necessary if the OP doesn't plan on getting married right now to go rushing into it just for this sake!

The only thing permanent about marriage is Guardianship and I can see no better reason for getting married than to create a permanent legal relationship between father and child.

Lola92 wrote: »

The child is both of yours equally

That is SO wrong. The mother has all of the rights and the father has none.

Lola92 wrote: »

I am not married to my partner and our daughter has my name and we are both very proud of that.

Bet your bloke has no idea that his relationship with his child is based on his relationship with her mother.

Lola92

James Jones wrote: »

The only thing permanent about marriage is Guardianship and I can see no better reason for getting married than to create a permanent legal relationship between father and child.

That is SO wrong. The mother has all of the rights and the father has none.

Bet your bloke has no idea that his relationship with his child is based on his relationship with her mother.

1) I personally think it is over the top to suggest to a couple to get married only for guardianship when, as I have already stated and you well know, this can be gotten through other means. Whether this is completely irrevocable or not is another matter.

2) The child is a product of the mother and father equally. They are both equal parents in my eyes. I am not talking about legal rights in the case of unmarried parents here, I am talking about the child being a part of both families equally. That part of my post was directed to the OP, not you as it says in the post. I was addressing a different matter.

3) My partner is more than well aware of his legal standing as a guardian of our daughter, not that it has anything to do with this conversation. Also on a somewhat off topic note, not all women are so vindictive as to immediately try to strip their childs other parent of guardianship in the event of a relationship breakdown as you seem to be alluding to.

That will be my last reply on this as I don't want to drag this thread further off topic. The OP asked about the surname of the child and and issue with his family, not guardianship or marriage.

OUTOFSYNC

I think you should consider putting your name in the birth cert - even as a middle name.

Treanor2011

Shane-KornSpace wrote: »

thanks for the replies. ive been getting calls from my parents and my grandad, telling me how im direspecting the famiy by not giving him my name.
now im just feeling pressured in to making a change. very annoying

My little girl had both are names she can choose which one she wants to use or use both when she's older. You shouldn't be letting them bully you just be firm and politely telling them to mine there own business .

Shane-KornSpace

OUTOFSYNC wrote: »

I think you should consider putting your name in the birth cert - even as a middle name.

My name, Shane, is my sons' middle name and I am listed as the Father. It is just the surname that my son was given is not my surname.

psychward

Grow some balls and give the child his rightful name by tradition Yeah tell them all to mind their own business

Congratulations by the way

qrrgprgua

Are you from Brazil or Portugal? Over there the kids take the mothers surname..

Its only a name. Does it make much difference.

OUTOFSYNC

It does make a difference.

You're probably going to love the baby like you've never loved anything before. You're going to want to protect it and make sure it is happy.

If the relationship with the mother turns sour - then you have zero rights.

Why do you and the other parent want to leave your name off the birth cert?

Whats wrong with (1) Name (2) Shane (3) fathers surname (4) mothers surname?

Its not double barreled - the baby still has the mothers surname.

If you are not married - what happens in a couple of years if you want to travel to europe for example with the kid and there is nothing on the kids passport to link him to yourself? A man and a child with Different names...

qrrgprgua

OUTOFSYNC wrote: »

It does make a difference.

You're probably going to love the baby like you've never loved anything before. You're going to want to protect it and make sure it is happy.

If the relationship with the mother turns sour - then you have zero rights.

Why do you and the other parent want to leave your name off the birth cert?

Whats wrong with (1) Name (2) Shane (3) fathers surname (4) mothers surname?

Its not double barreled - the baby still has the mothers surname.

If you are not married - what happens in a couple of years if you want to travel to europe for example with the kid and there is nothing on the kids passport to link him to yourself? A man and a child with Different names...

My kids (I am a man) have my surname. The guy who started the thread is not objecting to not having his name used, His family is.

But I agree totally with your post. If I were him I would push to have at the very least both surnames. (the Spanish Style I suppose).

IF the father is not pushed.. Well what can be done?

ElleEm

bluewolf wrote: »

tell the family to sod off and mind their own business

seriously though do think about getting married, you currently have about 0 rights

James Jones wrote: »

The only thing permanent about marriage is Guardianship and I can see no better reason for getting married than to create a permanent legal relationship between father and child.

That is SO wrong. The mother has all of the rights and the father has none.

Bet your bloke has no idea that his relationship with his child is based on his relationship with her mother.

A father only has automatic gaurdianship over his child if him and the mother are married when the child is born.

He has to apply for gaurdianship to get it now, marrying his partner won't make a difference.

EGAR

My son has his father's surname although we are not married and never will be (by choice as we both see no need for it). It is a bit more paperwork to get the guardianship sorted etc.

We both decided to give him his father's surname as I am not Irish and did not want him to be bullied with a foreign sounding last name.

Only drawback is that it takes people ages to understand that I do not share my son's last name which he finds highly amusing.

January

James Jones and OUTOFSYNC, the op asked for help with how to stop his family pressuring him about his childs surname. Stay on topic. Final warning.

Moonbeam

Out of interest...what name do you really want the child to have?

I am a friend

Shane-KornSpace wrote: »

thanks for the replies. ive been getting calls from my parents and my grandad, telling me how im direspecting the famiy by not giving him my name.
now im just feeling pressured in to making a change. very annoying

I dont understand why you dont want him to have your name? Our DS has both names on his birth cert but they are not hyphenated. He will use his Dads name on a day to day basis but he has both names registered.

eviltwin

Maybe go double barrell? I had my first child out of wedlock, we just went with a double barrell name but no hyphen. That child is now 14 and has chosen the name she wants day to day although her official name is still both.

Its worked well. We're married now and our second in marriage child has both names to for the same reason. I didn't change my name. I think its nice we both get recognised and I like giving them the option to choose.

Re the family just tell them to butt out but please do otherwise you will be driven mad with them sticking their nose in to your business in the future.

scholar007

Shane-KornSpace wrote: »

No, we're not. We're only 23 and 24.

You're not married :eek: - OMG! - Surely you wern't, please say you weren't, oh my god you were FORNICATING!

Seriously - Tell herself that you're the Daddy and what you say goes and junior is gonna have your name and that you won't entertain any further discussion on the matter.

eviltwin

scholar007 wrote: »

You're not married :eek: - OMG! - Surely you wern't, please say you weren't, oh my god you were FORNICATING!

Seriously - Tell herself that you're the Daddy and what you say goes and junior is gonna have your name and that you won't entertain any further discussion on the matter.

Seriously? I can see that working

Moonbeam

scholar007 wrote: »

You're not married :eek: - OMG! - Surely you wern't, please say you weren't, oh my god you were FORNICATING!

Seriously - Tell herself that you're the Daddy and what you say goes and junior is gonna have your name and that you won't entertain any further discussion on the matter.

Your trolling is not appreciated here.
This is a warning

edellc

OP I think its best to ignore them, we have a baby boy and he has his dads name we are not married, I did want my surname included and it is as his middle name which is fine with me...I think at the end of the day its a traditional thing for the man to pass on his surname to the offspring (I know it was in my case) but fare play to you for letting your little one have mamas surname.

Dont worry about your family just tell them it was a joint decision and end of its none of their actual business

Congratulations and best of luck with the christening I hope it is not an eventful day

bennyineire

Why not just give your child a double barerled sirname,ie. John Smith-Byrne, simples, My miss'es and I gave our first born my sirname when he was born,at the time we were not married at the time and there was no bothers

tfitzgerald

If ye are not married then he should keep the mothers name . IMHO