Overweight unhappy husband??

Quirkygirl

Hello I am looking for help. I am a 30 yr old mother of 3, oh is almost 40. He has struggled with weight since mid 20s. He eats rubbish and mostly late at night. No breakfast. Was into running ten ks etc going to gym diving walking but now has lost interest. He is depressed and comfort eats. Lacks body confidence really stuck in rut. I'm slim I swim cycle I like keeping active. I eat really healthy a d so do
Kiddies lots of fruit veg salads, I do most of cooking as I'm home first but he eats the dinner and two hours later he's eating crisps, a lot of the time he's eating these secretly when he's in the car on way home from work. I'll find ten packets under car seat???
I've stopped buying crap as he eats it all. Won't eat fruit etc. Went for health check in private clinic 500 euro they gave him great recommendations he followed none, joined gym 375 went twice, paid for pilates went twice out of 6 classes. I'm v frustrated as he is unhappy and I've tried everything but I'm getting a bit sick of it now. He is 3 stone overweight and is exhausted all the time. Also I am angry as I try to be healthy for myself and kiddies I want t set good example for them. He doesn't care. I know he has to want to change himself so do I do and say nothing? Please help he also read Paul McKenna I can make you thin he lost two stone that was 3 years ago.

Bigus

Tough one this as I'm male and could see how the wrong approach could result in him digging heals in further. How heavy is he and what height .

Easiest start is all five of you going cycling with the long eves and weekends . It would be a start.

However a confrontational approach may also be needed with professional advice.

kate.m

Hi,

I was in a similar situation with my dad. He won't change unless he want to. I doubt any amount of persuading you might do will help. I've tried talking to my dad about nutrition, explaining it to him - benefits of exercise etc. and he didn't care. It's up to them to decide that they want to improve their lifestyle. I know that might be really frustrating for you.

Also - I think he might be unlikely to deal with the nutritional/exercise issues until he sorts out the whole depression/unhappy thing? (as you mentioned above). There is probably a link between that and the comfort eating.

Good luck.

Quirkygirl

Yes I am always suggesting and initiating family activities like walking our dog or let's go to such a park and play football etc, bigus he is 16 stone and he was about 12 and half when we met and he's 5,12. He's in a bad place right now unfort.
There is a bigger problem I fear with the eating as his family were great parents but would have given solid food to him as a baby from 8 weeks old and all sorts of crazy food like so many other Irish families! I know! He suffers with allergies. Also he's coming from a home where you were praised for finishing mammoth meals and he's just eating and not really tasting anything. All his siblings are overweight and he is constantly saying oh god Mary or tommy are so overweight god it's desperate. I'm not sure where to go from here as even our intimacy has suffered because of this. It's very difficult all I can hope is that by me getting out and active he might see how it makes me feel and follow???

Quirkygirl

Yes I am always suggesting and initiating family activities like walking our dog or let's go to such a park and play football etc, bigus he is 16 stone and he was about 12 and half when we met and he's 5,12. He's in a bad place right now unfort.
There is a bigger problem I fear with the eating as his family were great parents but would have given solid food to him as a baby from 8 weeks old and all sorts of crazy food like so many other Irish families! I know! He suffers with allergies. Also he's coming from a home where you were praised for finishing mammoth meals and he's just eating and not really tasting anything. All his siblings are overweight and he is constantly saying oh god Mary or tommy are so overweight god it's desperate. I'm not sure where to go from here as even our intimacy has suffered because of this. It's very difficult all I can hope is that by me getting out and active he might see how it makes me feel and follow???

Atomicjuicer

You say he comfort eats because he is depressed/unhappy. Do you know what would cheer him up/ feel better about his life?

Quirkygirl

Atomicjuicer I'm not sure. He is v successful great job which he says he loves. He is a bit isolated from his friends n family and as a person is not big into socialising really although he was in the past. We watched op trans this year although I am not a big fan and I was sure it would spark off a want in him to change
But alas no. I think he prob needs profess help tbh but I also think I cannot suggest this. We are going on holiday to France for first time since having our babies and I'm
Working hard to get in shape but he's so stubborn if I suggest casually do you wanna go to pool or gym? He freaks out. So I have just stopped completely
But I also can't hide my frustration with him either

Bigus

I'm reading 16 st and 5,12 what height is that 5"1/2' 5"1 or 6 ft ?
can you clarify just for perspective pls.

I think you are overlooking the positives perhaps , and maybe he doesn't feel good enough for you.

He's doing very well to have a good job especially at the moment,and if he's a good provider you're doing well to have him !

but when is the last time you told him this ??????????

as on the surface it sounds like you're getting hard too live with And it wouln't be unreasonable for him too feel you are too demanding .

Has he given up on the pub and family because of your hints, and now do you expect him to give up food too ? I'm only saying put his hat on for a moment and be super critical on yourself from a mans point of view.

I could be way off here so go easy on me , don't shoot the messenger i'm just trying to put a man's perspective on the situation.

meijin

he'll change when he decides to change; the harder you push, the more resistance you might see
he might be very successful in the job, but that can come at a cost too - no energy and willpower left to focus on other things
try to support him in whatever he does instead of trying to change him

(this thread is really for Relationship Issues, not Nutrition & Diet...)

Quirkygirl

Thanks for all suggestions and bigus maybe I am being too critical. As a result of genetic illness in my family I have tried to change a lot I suppose. But just on your point of me being lucky to have a good provider I am of course and I tell him that. But we are joint breadwinners as we both work and take care of kiddies too. Thanks for all the help guys

saa

Its not his weight, regardless of weight or rather than focusing on how to change diet and exercise what is going to help get to the root of the issue causing the emotional eating or binge eating because as you said he lost weight again but didnt maintain probably because the underlying issues with emotions and food are still there, it is difficult to accept but it is only himself who can really do anything maybe what you can do is find a way to voice your concerns about something that has changed recently and don't mention his weight, build in new healthy habits that do not revolve around weight loss, if he thinks youre coming at him taking away his coping mechanism he wouldnt react well or grow from that I assume. Tis a tricky one but communication is key and the rest is up to him.

saa

The gym and doctors looking for physical issues will not solve this, if he doesnt care and has stopped looking after himself they are very common signs of depression so if there was an issue like that it would need to be treated and then the weight can be tackled, at least his blood work was okay. Even if he doesn't have any other issues than the weight counselling can be a good place to start as being in the right frame of mind and having self worth for your body are essential to not go back to old ways after a diet has ended.

syklops

Quirkygirl wrote: »

Atomicjuicer I'm not sure. He is v successful great job which he says he loves.

Success comes with a price. Its easy to forget that after a 40(minimum) hour week, not everyone has the energy to go to the gym. Hell some weekends I dont have the energy to go from the couch to the fridge(possibly a good thing).

but he's so stubborn if I suggest casually do you wanna go to pool or gym? He freaks out. So I have just stopped completely
But I also can't hide my frustration with him either

6 foot tall and 16 stone, I don't blame him for freaking out at the suggestion of going swimming. Speaking as someone who has been in his position, the swimming pool is the last place you want to go. I am 4 inches taller than him and at my heaviest 2 stone lighter, and the thought of disrobing, with your belly hanging out with what you imagine as beach babes, and surfer dudes all around you with ripped tummies and tight asses, around you is mortifying. It may not be the truth, but its what you imagine.

Its probably not the gym that freaks him out so much as the changing room, or the mental image he has of himself sweating and huff-puffing on the treadmill while a cute girl in tight leggings casually bounds along next to him not even sweating. This is the sort of imagery he gets and I got. And after that its a viscious circle, as a result of not being able to do that, he feels bad, and when he feels bad he eats, which makes the issue worse. I am not ruling out some other root cause for the initial weight gain though.

That you can't hide your frustration and think he is just being stubborn demonstrates that you dont get how bad he is feeling. If he is depressed for other reasons its just compounding this issue.

Sorry if I sound critical but I have been in his shoes. Its not just a case of "pull your self together".

confusedgirl

I don't actually think the OP is being too critical on her husband tbh. You seem concerned because your husband is obviously unhappy right now and it's taking a toll on the marriage. I know someone who was smoking for a long time and I was unhappy as they have high blood pressure and a smokers cough. I wasn't nagging this person about stopping smoking. I was just really concerned about their health. I myself have struggled with eating issues so I can obviously understand the husband's side of things quite well too.

On the one hand, there is the physical issue of his weight to contend with which can be amended with good nutrition and exercise. Then on the other hand, there is the emotional side which is obviously triggering his overeating in the first place so both aspects need to be dealt with.

Your husband may be clinically depressed in which case a trip to his GP and some anti-depressants may be in order. CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) which is a form of therapy would be able to help your husband re depression and binge eating.

From what you're saying, your husband seems to be a binge eater. Binge eating is considered an eating disorder, like anorexia or bulimia. In fact, binge eating is way more common than either anorexia or bulimia. Bodywhys do support groups for people with eating disorders which may help (they have a website too for more info).

I've struggled with binge eating and a lot of it is about feeling out of control/helpless and then thinking "oh screw it, I might as well eat the bread etc (whatever the unhealthy thing is)". And the thing is, most binge eaters crave carbohydrates as they cause your dopamine receptors in your brain to react, like any drug and gives you serotonin. The binge eating sedates the person and calms them down, if you like.

The thing your hubby will have to learn is to learn how to calm down when stressed without the food. It's really hard, I wouldn't say its not but yoga/mindfulness meditation/deep breathing etc or something like that would help.

Secret eating is really common in binge eating, it's not just your husband doing this. Binge eating is a very sneaky disorder- if the person overeats in front of someone, they will get criticised for eating too much so they learn to eat in private and when they do eat, they eat everything very fast. The food is just pushed down their mouth as quickly as possible so mindful eating is a useful skill to learn.

Mindful eating just means eating slowly, making sure to chew your food thoroughly and having no distractions around like computer, newspaper, phone, tv etc. I have read that it's important for binge eaters to relearn how to eat when they're hungry, to listen their hunger cues and to stop eating once they're full but I find this difficult still tbh.

What I find works best is doing out a weekly meal plan (say on a Sunday and then buy my groceries, based on what ingredients I'll need for the week) and then keeping a food diary each day throughout the week. Also doing out a weekly exercise plan (ie planning what time to exercise at, what type of exercise to do, what time to do it at and schedule it in like an appointment in advance) and then keeping an exercise diary each day is good.

I do think its important that your husband learns about good nutrition too, that he can have a treat if he wants. A lot of the time with binge eating, people have "all or nothing thinking", thinking "I'll either eat the whole bag of crisps or I'll have none" whereas an alternative is maybe to have one pre-planned cheat meal each week and eat well the rest of the time. A lot of binge eating is about undereating and then binging, a deprivation and binge cycle if you like.

I read a bit of "Overcoming Binge Eating" by Christopher Burns. It's good, he recommends 3 meals and 2 snacks so that you never get hungry and the need to binge is lessened. He also recommends a weekly weigh in, having distractions when you get food cravings, not putting your life on hold until you get to goal weight, having alternatives to overeating (like the deep breathing, exercise etc when you're stressed).

I also like "The Beck Diet Solution" by Judith Beck (both these books are on amazon.com) because it is CBT tailored towards a dieter. Her book makes the person do daily "planned exercise" like going to the gym and daily "incidental exercise" like walking instead of using the car, using the stairs instead of the lift etc. She says that dieters are often very self-critical and thus sabotage their progress. ie. they might be doing really well but they see one setback as total failure rather than a blip so it's important for a dieter to learn they can get back on track straight away, that they don't have to keep on overeating. Some of the thinking styles dieters use which aren't helpful are "Should statements"-ie "I should go to the gym" or "I shouldn't eat this biscuit". When you tell yourself you "should/shouldnt" do something, you tend to rebel and think "why not?" and do it anyway. Also saying "I'll never get the weight off" or "I'll try to get to the gym today". "Try" sounds positive but it's not really, instead of try, its better to say "I will go to the gym".

Another option is a slimming club like Weight Watchers or Slimming World. I know that their eating programmes are not the best but it could be a stepping stone in the right direction and the social support available at the meetings would help bring your husband along.

I do think praising your husband when he does eat well or does any exercise will help. I think it might be a good idea to sit down and talk about it openly, just saying "I feel worried about you, about your health. I feel that you're depressed and comfort eating. Is there anything I can do to help you?" (Saying "I feel you are depressed" is better than "you are depressed"). I really can't emphasise how important listening to your husband is. I don't think a confrontational approach will work for this issue, as Bigus suggested earlier. If you push him, he will just dig his heels in. If you are aggressive about it and your husband does agree with you to do something, he will likely feel resentful of you so this is not the approach to take. Try to empathise with how your husband is feeling. A lot of this is really just about miscommunication. Stay calm when talking to your husband about this. This approach won't guarantee a successful outcome but I think it gives you more of a chance of a successful outcome.

Transform

Quirkygirl wrote: »

Hello I am looking for help. I am a 30 yr old mother of 3, oh is almost 40. He has struggled with weight since mid 20s. He eats rubbish and mostly late at night. No breakfast. Was into running ten ks etc going to gym diving walking but now has lost interest. He is depressed and comfort eats. Lacks body confidence really stuck in rut. I'm slim I swim cycle I like keeping active. I eat really healthy a d so do
Kiddies lots of fruit veg salads, I do most of cooking as I'm home first but he eats the dinner and two hours later he's eating crisps, a lot of the time he's eating these secretly when he's in the car on way home from work. I'll find ten packets under car seat???
I've stopped buying crap as he eats it all. Won't eat fruit etc. Went for health check in private clinic 500 euro they gave him great recommendations he followed none, joined gym 375 went twice, paid for pilates went twice out of 6 classes. I'm v frustrated as he is unhappy and I've tried everything but I'm getting a bit sick of it now. He is 3 stone overweight and is exhausted all the time. Also I am angry as I try to be healthy for myself and kiddies I want t set good example for them. He doesn't care. I know he has to want to change himself so do I do and say nothing? Please help he also read Paul McKenna I can make you thin he lost two stone that was 3 years ago.

Write it all down in a letter. Give it to him and then if that does network tell him to harden the **** up chopper style!!!

yosser hughes

Your husbands depression is the real problem here. Concentrating on his weight and appearence is pointless until you get to the cause. Why is he feeling this way? Why does he not seem to care about his appearance? You have to tackle the mental side first.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all as others have intimated. You are in a marriage and it's unfair for one partner to close up and not respond. You only want him to be happy.
Try to talk to him and if he won't,suggest counselling. It's not unreasonable to expect your husband to communicate.
Good luck with it anyway.

Atomicjuicer

Can't say I agree with the anti-depressant comment. Taking mind-altering drugs is not a solution in my book but then different strokes...

I would suggest trying to find other things that seem to cheer him up and focus on that. What does he like or enjoy besides food? Maybe a trip to a football match or a band he likes? I organised a quad biking session with some old friends I hadn't seen in a while for a big birthday recently and I got a kick out of that. Paintball/kayaking/mountain biking/massage treatment/hiking with a tent/roller coaster park/cookery class (positive look at food?)

I try to think about things my OH likes because she gets blue from time to time and awareness can provide opportunities to help. She does the same for me.

g'em

Transform wrote: »

Write it all down in a letter. Give it to him and then if that does network tell him to harden the **** up chopper style!!!

Given that there are strong indications that there is a lot more to the OP's husbands situation than just manning up I don't think this is particularly helpful. You have a weatlh of knowledge Transform, this is one of those times you could really put it to good use

Transform

Cool just failing at being funny.

I personally have found writing it down to be an excellent approach as its permanent and you think better on ink. There is my two cents

Gummy Panda

The problem with going to the gym is that they usually don't know where to start, get a shít weight lost program involving lots of cardio and get bored.

He needs something that's a challenge and will appeal to him. Personality I find lifting weights to be the most enjoyable thing in the gym. It's a great feeling beating last week's squat or deadlift.

Maybe ask him if he wants to meet a good PT and treat it more as a sport that he might find fun to do

saa

Gummy Panda wrote: »

The problem with going to the gym is that they usually don't know where to start, get a shít weight lost program involving lots of cardio and get bored.

He needs something that's a challenge and will appeal to him. Personality I find lifting weights to be the most enjoyable thing in the gym. It's a great feeling beating last week's squat or deadlift.

Maybe ask him if he wants to meet a good PT and treat it more as a sport that he might find fun to do

Yeah I agree IF you can't bring up or talk about underlying issues about weight gain, unhapiness and a lack of motivation then see where he is at, see what he wants to do and build it up, even if its a 5 minute walk as long as its everyday the active mind set will develop, personally I really enjoy the gym but I hate the idea of weight loss, everything in my mind about it is negative so if someone brought it up I think I would push them away.

confusedgirl

Atomicjuicer wrote: »

Can't say I agree with the anti-depressant comment. Taking mind-altering drugs is not a solution in my book but then different strokes...

If the OP has mild depression, then the go-karting idea etc may do the trick however if it's moderate-severe depression, then it isn't as simple as just "getting over it". I do agree with Atomicjuicer that getting the husband's mind off his weight problem will definitely help. A weekend away somewhere is another idea-a lot of hotels in Ireland are doing cheap offers these days.

If anyone is down at all or low in energy, then I would say definitely avoid caffeine, sugar, nicotine and alcohol as they will mess your mood up.
I don't think anti-depressants are a "solution" per se. They're really only to help people function i.e. sleep well at night which may be disrupted by depression, restore appetite if they've lost their appetite and balance their mood out so the person can then go about dealing with their issues. I said that if he was depressed, then a *combination* of anti-depressants and CBT may help the husband which is standard treatment for depression.

A lot of things are "mind-altering" drugs like alcohol, nicotine, sugar so a bit of perspective is in order regarding the anti-depressants. Everyone handles things in different ways though-the important thing is to find something that works to tackle depression etc

Quirkygirl

Hi all thanks for all your advice and help. I feel my husband actually is depressed. Nothing has changed since my last post unfortunately.

yellowlabrador

You say your husband suffers from allergies, so you might have a bit of a chicken and egg situation. I've only just discovered how my allergies are affecting my life.Is he a heavy breather? does he feel totally wasted as soon as he does something? does he suffer from joint pain? All this can make things turn into a viscous cycle. There isn't much help out here in Ireland and I've had to 'take control' myself and find out how to get over these things. Binge eating is a comfort, please don't give out to him. If you can afford it, send him for a total check up. He can then take the decisions himself and regain a bit of control himself. My allergies affected my joints, head,energy levels, bladder, kidneys, nose, throat and skin. You don't realise until things get out of hand. Another thing to consider is sleep apnea.

Torakx

Has he been on any extended periods of anti biotics?
Got any allergies? Or new allergies popping up?

How long has he been gaining a fair amount of weight and has it started to even out or slow down recently since he was gettign depressed?(the weight gain i mean,not the eating)

One thing that is quite common and can cause carb/sugar cravings is candida overgrowth in the gut.
Depression can be from so many things,including this.
I mention it because i had it for years and its very common but rarely diagnosed.
Might also be his weight and/or some situation or lack of at home.
Or it could be physical depression from an ailment.

As others above mention, a line of communication with him is important.
As what he really needs is to first make sure he has not got any underlying illness that could be causing this.
There are nutritionists around im sure who would know about candida and many other possibilities.
And doctors are great for blood tests for alot of other stuff.

If you could elliminate that for a start you can then start to home in on the root of his problem.
He would need to be on board though.
Your going to have to get him to open up and have a heart to heart where no judgement is laid on him.

Like mentioning how he used to be happy and you really want him to feel happy again etc etc.

I think also he would get worse if he feels judged.
If he feels the need to binge on goodies in secret,then he may be either ashamed of this habit and feeling guilty or maybe feels guilty because it was mentioned to him at home and he is afraid you will see him "letting you down".
Guilt is a nightmare to deal with and often will cause a problem to get worse

Anyway dont give up just yet.
The solution for both of you to get things back on track is out there somewhere.
Some guys need to be pampered,some need to feel they did everything themselves.

It can be hard on the partner i understand when the other is depressed and suffering.
Its really nice to see you reaching out online and it shows you really care for him

all_smilz

as a person with weight problem I feel ur husbands pain and really identify with the emotional eating and the lack of motivation. Its very hard on you too. My partner once said (after I had lost almost3stone) "should you really be eating dessert?".... i started roaring crying. I felt so deflated. He was trying to "Help".... sometimes he feels like he can do nothing right at times.
We have also fought over how it affects us and I really felt like i was under even more pressure to lose weight and thus gained more. In the end of the day its my battle...
Its good to be honest with him but be honest with yourself first.... are you more worried about his weight or his state of mind? Hope you can get through this together!

Fitseeker

I can kind of identify with your husband here, last year I completely let myself go, ceased all forms of exercise, ate junk food every day, often driving out of my family home to buy it, and eating in my car so others wouldn't see. I slept all day, stayed up all night and had almost no energy to do anything. All that said I didn't even know I was unhappy. Family and friends reached out to me, saying they were worried, my parents were in a stage of getting very healthy and active, and were constantly at me to join a gym and do some form of exercise, this just had a negative effect, I resented the advice and did even less as a result. I gained 3-4 stone that year, and thinking back I can remember being ashamed of my physique, but having almost no drive to do anything about it, and I was always frustrated when others tried to get me to help myself.

Around may of last year some friends of mine joined the gym and started working out and playing tennis, after a couple of weeks I noticed the positive effect that had on them and pretty much out of jealousy decided to join up and go along with them. Those first few steps were pretty much all I needed, within a couple of weeks I was motivated again, losing weight, sleeping and eating properly and basically just living life the way it's meant to be lived. I've maintained this motivated drive ever since and I'm currently in the best shape I've ever been in, I'm actually skinnier than I'd like to be and planning my first bulk

I know this post is lacking in advice, but I just thought I'd write it to show you there's still hope. I was definitely suffering some form of depression, even though I'd never admit it. People close to me trying to change me only really made me feel bad and I resented them for looking down on me. In my case all I needed to see was the success of some other overweight friends who'd gotten it together to push me in the right direction. Everybody is different so it's impossible for me to know what your husband needs, just know that one successful push is all it takes to get the gears in motion, and there's always hope no matter how bleak the situation seems.

okiss

Your husband sounds like me a few months ago. I was overweight eating all around me. If anyone said anything to me about losing weight I did not want to hear about it. I joined slimming world in Feb 2012 and have lost 2stone 4lbs since then. I have a few stone to lose but I know if keep doing slimming world I will get there.
With slimming world you learn about healthy eating and you have a number of syns to eat each day to use towards sauces, treats ect.
I would encourage your husband to join slimming world

BrunoGeist

Hi
Been there, fighting with depression all my adult life. No gym won't help him as long as he's not gonna identify the root problem of his depression, share it with you and face it. Because believe me he suffers a serious one. As suggested before, go someplace together, the best is new place, the one you both haven't been together yet. Talk to him about anything not related to work, weitght, problems in general. Reminisce about good times when you both met and so on. Let him speak, if he's quiet be quiet. He's in a deep hole now, and like a little scared thing, it'll require patience to get him out from there. Eating disorder is only escape he feels he has from whatever bothers him. Short list from my experience:
- don't confront him with food you found in the car. Be lovable and polite, especially when you're loosing patience.
- diet is a paramount. Go to a health shop and get some healthy snacks, no bull**** low fat products but more in the line of dried dates, sultanas and so on.
- after I changed my diet I lost about a stone with mild exercise over 6-7 months.
- avoid low fat products. They create wrong impression being healthier but remember in order to get the same taste, producers use other ingredients, usually artificial (my friend designs low fat products for a living).
- he needs to eat less but more frequently, plenty of water.
- no ready meals.
- lots of fresh fruit and veg.
- talk to him, let him know he's important, tell him his sexy and masculine. We need this.
- only when diet is sorted then gym. The main mistake we all made was thinking that we can eat all of that crap and then burn it. Been there I actually gained more fat and lost money.
- I bought 3 things that allowed me to burn another stone down. Pushup handles, skipping rope and chin up bar. less than 50 quid I believe, exercise every day, interchanging - I am 5'11, 74 kg (12,5 stone??) and lost about 12 kg (2 stone?) in two years. Started from 5 push ups day one - doing 60 now every second day.
- depression is pretty serious so talk to him before is too late. The problem is defo not eating, may be trivial for you but serious for him...

just my 2c here.

Quirkygirl

Thank you all