friend not coming to wedding

LegacyUser

hi all

i have a problem i am hoping some of you could shed some light on. i am getting married in august. i set the date 2 years ago as i know people would need time to save and
also we needed to save we didnt want to borrow money for it.

Basically everythings sorted- invites going out soon as there going abroad to relatives too.

Then my friend called me last night- a good friend, saying shes not coming to the wedding.

Long story short another wedding of hers in december changed their date- to the same day as mine, and ive basically been told shes choosing her wedding over mine. She bearly even knows this girl but apparantly the girls the daughter of her boss and it will look bad if she doesnt go. Its a big 300 sit down wedding with free champange- where as mines a 75 seater with wine at the meal

However if i missed her wedding last year she would have never spoken to me again,
a friend couldnt go to her wedding because she couldnt get out of work and she didnt talk to her for weeks.

I have told her how annoyed i am and she pretty much went into a big rant about she was friends with the girl for years ,pratically grew up etc, even though the last 7 years we have been friends ive never heard of the girl.

TBH i am very annoyed, not to sound like a baby but i set my date 1st, and she throwing my wedding aside like i dont even matter to her.

coolcat63

She's one guest of 75 - let it go and don't let it spoil your day...

John Mason

let it go. there is no point in getting upset and letting it ruin your day.

a good few of our friends are not going to make it our wedding for varying reasons, but sure thats life.

You should never allow other people to affect your mood, its out of your control

OS119

coolcat63 wrote: »

She's one guest of 75 - let it go and don't let it spoil your day...

OP, i'd go with that - the truth is that on the day itself, if you notice/care that she isn't there then you're having crap wedding that you aren't enjoying, and not because she isn't there.

the way that your friend is so defensive about it all suggests that she's telling the truth - she's going because she feels under pressure to do so, and that she fears consequences if she doesn't. falling out with you is one thing, not being able to pay her mortgage because she's on the sh1tlist at work is something quite different.

its unfortunate, and it would certainly be better if your friend was more upfront about it and didn't try and justify it as anything other than self-preservation, but trying to justify it on the grounds of her relationship with this girl is probably to cover her embarrassment at being placed at the beck and call of this girl/her family by her employment situation. personally, i don't doubt that she resents it enourmously - going on about who expensive it is and that there'll be champagne there is perhaps an indicator of that.

you could ditch her - and of course i could be completely wrong and she's just a gold-digging chav who'd ditich her friends and go to the opening of an autopsy if it meant free champagne - but as you get older you'll discover that sometimes we have to compromise our friends and even family for the sake of protecting ourselves and our interests. which makes me feel very, very old...

Mighty_Mouse

In my book it's not acceptable herd, cajole, emotionally blackmail.......etc people (especially friends) into doing what you want them to do. She declined the wedding for whatever reason she herself feels justifiable.
Personally, I prefer people to just suit themselves. If they want to be at the event, well and good. If not, its no difference to me.

Also, it seems odd that a "good friend" would not come to your wedding.
Is it possible you deem the friendship closer than she?
Or does she maybe have a partner who is insisting she attends the other wedding?
There must be more to it.

Mighty_Mouse

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

In my book it's not acceptable herd, cajole, emotionally blackmail.......etc people (especially friends) into doing what you want them to do.

Women & weddings.......pffft....... Women turning into mini-dictators who get to stop the world spinning for a "MY DAY" celebration.
It's become a princess tantrum based on selfish self-glorification.

Your values are skewed in terms of what this day should be about.

You sent the invite. She declined. Big deal.
She shouldn't even have to offer an excuse or rock-solid alibi
Each person should be allowed to do as they deem fit in this life, for their own reasons.

Ah hang on, shes her friend for god sake, she should have to offer an excuse for not going, whether the OP likes the excuse or not isn't the issue, but shes her friend. BTW the OP didnt come across as a bridezilla or "mini-dictator" shes just upset that her friend wont be at her wedding, thats understandable surely?

John Mason

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Women & weddings.......pffft....... Women turning into mini-dictators who get to stop the world spinning for a "MY DAY" celebration.
It's become a princess tantrum based on selfish self-glorification.

Err.............generalisation much!!!!!!!!

i know some men, that were little dictators over their weddings.

analucija

It doesn't seem to me that your friend is making a decision on the basis of who has bigger wedding or what wine is being served (I might, I hate champagne ).
If she was completely unreasonable when people declined invitations to her wedding it doesn't mean you should be too. It's not like you'll be any less married because of couple people missing at your wedding.

Besides first you say it's a wedding of a girl she barley know and then you continue she told you she is friends with this girl for years. I didn't go to friends wedding here because an old childhood friend was getting married. Just because I see some of my friends once or twice per year and don't mention them to my friends here it doesn't mean they are any less important to me.

whatdoicare

I don't know what it is with weddings but they bring out what people really think of you - in a spectacular fashion!

I found out the very hard way who my friends were and I was shocked by the behaviour of some, people who I had been close friends with for ten or more years - I'm talking tantrums in the bathroom because I had three cakes or or one girl telling friends that she'd never met before that they had no right getting married before her! That was only on the day itself - I won't go into the behaviour I witnessed on the lead up to it, needless to say it was disgraceful.

At the same time I was blown away by the awesomeness of others who I wouldn't have thought of as close friends before. I'm not talking money or gifts here - I'm talking actions, like a friend who travelled on his day off from the uk and went back to work the next day as he had only just started the job - we had already told him we totally understood that he couldn't come but there he was, proud as punch - we snuck his money present back into his case and paid for his room on the quiet! Another friend told us an out and out lie so that he could have an excuse to drive us to Dublin Airport for our honeymoon. It was amazing the good deeds our friends, our real friends, insisted on doing for us.

So, my point is, in a round about way, is that you'll see some awful stuff - You've just learned that this friend is not as close to you as you thought - don't even let it bother you, don't bother fighting or arguing - just downgrade her to an aquaintance in your mind and carry on. Your real friends will show themselves in the most surprising way that you'll never imagine!

Hope your day is fantastic!! Good luck for the future!

Idle Passerby

I agree with the general sentiment of what most people have already said here. If it were me, yes, Id be disappointed a friend chose not to come to such an important personal event, but by the same token I would not want someone there who would rather be somewhere else. Why not give her invitation to someone else your friends with who will actually appreciate the invitation and add to your day by being happy to participate.

gud4u

whatdoicare wrote: »

I don't know what it is with weddings but they bring out what people really think of you - in a spectacular fashion!

I found out the very hard way who my friends were and I was shocked by the behaviour of some, people who I had been close friends with for ten or more years - I'm talking tantrums in the bathroom because I had three cakes or or one girl telling friends that she'd never met before that they had no right getting married before her! That was only on the day itself - I won't go into the behaviour I witnessed on the lead up to it, needless to say it was disgraceful.

At the same time I was blown away by the awesomeness of others who I wouldn't have thought of as close friends before. I'm not talking money or gifts here - I'm talking actions, like a friend who travelled on his day off from the uk and went back to work the next day as he had only just started the job - we had already told him we totally understood that he couldn't come but there he was, proud as punch - we snuck his money present back into his case and paid for his room on the quiet! Another friend told us an out and out lie so that he could have an excuse to drive us to Dublin Airport for our honeymoon. It was amazing the good deeds our friends, our real friends, insisted on doing for us.

So, my point is, in a round about way, is that you'll see some awful stuff - You've just learned that this friend is not as close to you as you thought - don't even let it bother you, don't bother fighting or arguing - just downgrade her to an aquaintance in your mind and carry on. Your real friends will show themselves in the most surprising way that you'll never imagine!

Hope your day is fantastic!! Good luck for the future!

Try and let it go, my sister refused to be bridesmaid as she wasn't getting the dress she wanted, then my other friend fell out with me beacuse I didn't aske her to replace my sister. My sister then revealed she couldn't stand the sight of me while she was pregnant...apparently, it was the hormones talking!

Then...as if for punishment and my gluttony for it, my sister had me wear an atrocious dress for her wedding and didn't get a picture of us together.

Weddings do weird sh*t to peoples brains...Put yourself first and enjoy your day. Forget the rest, all the little things will be a million miles away on the day.

Big Bag of Chips

As another poster mentioned, if you actually notice on the day that your friend isn't there, then it's not much of a wedding day for you.

My best childhood friend couldn't make it to my wedding, for a very legitimate reason.... honestly, I would have loved if she WAS there, but it didn't impact on my day in any way, shape or form that she wasnt.

Why would it? At the end of the day, the only important people at your wedding are the bride and groom. Everyone else is an "extra".

My wedding day turned into a bit of a disaster... but it happened AFTER we got married, so it didn't really matter. We were married. That was the whole point of the day. Anything outside of that had no affect on the reason we were actually there.

whatdoicare

gud4u wrote: »

Try and let it go

Haha, I didn't let it bother me at all- I had a perfect day with many, many, happy memories -(the main point of my post) - what I did was reassess my relationship with those who acted badly. I didn't dump them or anything but they no longer hold that special place in my attentions that they once had. Instead of best friends they became people I say a happy hello to on the street but don't go out of my way to meet.




TBH I haven't seen any evidence that they've noticed really.

LegacyUser

OP, was it an invitation to your wedding you issued, or an order to attend?

Surely everyone has a right to decide if he/she goes, or not?


Your reaction makes the other lady's response justifiable.

tinkerbell

Hold on .... the OP's "good friend" decided to ditch her wedding because her boss's daughter (who she's not that friendly with) moved her wedding date? Seriously OP, I really see that as a complete lack of respect. It would be different if it was a very close family member or her best friend or something but her ditching your wedding for this girl she doesn't even speak about much is just horrible.

I'd be reconsidering your friendship to be honest. It'd also be very different if she actually had a valid excuse but come on, her excuse is completely making you look like you're inferior. And as for this rubbish about not looking good to her boss, that's total BS. She should only be worried about looking good to her boss by the WORK that she does, not be the social events she attends.

LegacyUser

bananaRep12 wrote: »

OP, was it an invitation to your wedding you issued, or an order to attend?

Surely everyone has a right to decide if he/she goes, or not?


Your reaction makes the other lady's response justifiable.

OP here

What??? i didnt order anyone- the invites have not even been sent out!!

Some people on this thread seem to have gotten the impression that im a brideszilla whos throwing a tantrum- and that couldnt be further from the truth.

I have been friends with her 7 years- if i do not attend any of her bashes she sulks (like her wedding when she stopped talking to someone who didnt come- as stated in my op) I am annoyed because it was not even a "oh sorry love i cant get out of it" way. She text me and said "BTW cant make your wedding have another one that day" That was the message.

And it turns out she doesnt know the woman whos wedding shes going to as her sister informed me.

tinkerbell

wedwoe wrote: »

OP here

What??? i didnt order anyone- the invites have not even been sent out!!

Some people on this thread seem to have gotten the impression that im a brideszilla whos throwing a tantrum- and that couldnt be further from the truth.

I have been friends with her 7 years- if i do not attend any of her bashes she sulks (like her wedding when she stopped talking to someone who didnt come- as stated in my op) I am annoyed because it was not even a "oh sorry love i cant get out of it" way. She text me and said "BTW cant make your wedding have another one that day" That was the message.

And it turns out she doesnt know the woman whos wedding shes going to as her sister informed me.

In that case, I stand by what I said earlier - she's not worth your friendship. She doesn't care about your feelings.

I am a friend

tinkerbell wrote: »

In that case, I stand by what I said earlier - she's not worth your friendship. She doesn't care about your feelings.

Give her a taste of her own medicine and blank her.

sunshiner

my wedding - brill time - though a long time friend turned us down to go to a college reunion, she was only out of a college a year. Gutted was the least i could say i was, but you move on, it was her loss. I enjoyed my day i was there he was there end of

Missy Moo Moo

OS119 wrote: »

coolcat63 wrote: »

She's one guest of 75 - let it go and don't let it spoil your day...

OP, i'd go with that - the truth is that on the day itself, if you notice/care that she isn't there then you're having crap wedding that you aren't enjoying, and not because she isn't there.

the way that your friend is so defensive about it all suggests that she's telling the truth - she's going because she feels under pressure to do so, and that she fears consequences if she doesn't. falling out with you is one thing, not being able to pay her mortgage because she's on the sh1tlist at work is something quite different.

its unfortunate, and it would certainly be better if your friend was more upfront about it and didn't try and justify it as anything other than self-preservation, but trying to justify it on the grounds of her relationship with this girl is probably to cover her embarrassment at being placed at the beck and call of this girl/her family by her employment situation. personally, i don't doubt that she resents it enourmously - going on about who expensive it is and that there'll be champagne there is perhaps an indicator of that.

you could ditch her - and of course i could be completely wrong and she's just a gold-digging chav who'd ditich her friends and go to the opening of an autopsy if it meant free champagne - but as you get older you'll discover that sometimes we have to compromise our friends and even family for the sake of protecting ourselves and our interests. which makes me feel very, very old...

Do you honestly believe that the OP's friend will be in trouble at work for not attending a wedding? Why would the Boss even care if she wasn't there?

OP, your friend here has shown no loyalty towards your friendship and has shown herself up to be a shallow social climber. You've every right to be annoyed and hurt. I for one would be giving her a wide berth. This type of thing would be unforgivable- it's one thing having a valid reason for not being able to attend something as important as a friends wedding. In my book this is not a valid reason.

I know it hurts like hell but at least you found out what she's really like without wasting more years on her.

uck51js9zml2yt

Some of my family didnt attend my wedding.

Speaking from experience, just let it go and enjoy your day.

I know we were glad to have those around us who cared for us. We wouldn't have wanted someone there who didn't want to be there.

OS119

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

Do you honestly believe that the OP's friend will be in trouble at work for not attending a wedding? Why would the Boss even care if she wasn't there?

sadly yes, i've know both situations where subordinates have been pressurised to attend 'boss family' occasions and where subordinates have been pressurised to invite both the boss and his/her family to their own occasions.

if it not happened to you then thats great - you've had better bosses than me, and i'm afraid to say that its happned to most of my friends to some degree or other.

i doubt that its anything to do with a boss giving the slightest sh1t about the subordinates occasion, its, imv, far more likely to be both the boss wanting to exercise his/her power in all aspects of the subordinates life, and being able to demonstrate to his family how 'important' he is to his subbordinates.

so yes, i'm absolutely sure that it happens, and that it happens regularly - how much of it is present in the OP's situation is something that only she can make a judgement on, but she'd, imv, be unwise to discount the possibility just because its not happened to you.

Missy Moo Moo

OS119 wrote: »

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

Do you honestly believe that the OP's friend will be in trouble at work for not attending a wedding? Why would the Boss even care if she wasn't there?

sadly yes, i've know both situations where subordinates have been pressurised to attend 'boss family' occasions and where subordinates have been pressurised to invite both the boss and his/her family to their own occasions.

if it not happened to you then thats great - you've had better bosses than me, and i'm afraid to say that its happned to most of my friends to some degree or other.

i doubt that its anything to do with a boss giving the slightest sh1t about the subordinates occasion, its, imv, far more likely to be both the boss wanting to exercise his/her power in all aspects of the subordinates life, and being able to demonstrate to his family how 'important' he is to his subbordinates.

so yes, i'm absolutely sure that it happens, and that it happens regularly - how much of it is present in the OP's situation is something that only she can make a judgement on, but she'd, imv, be unwise to discount the possibility just because its not happened to you.

If I was unlucky enough to have such a boss and if it was likely that they would make life difficult at work for me because I opted to go to a good friends wedding instead of their daughters, then I would continue to do my work to the best of my ability and report my boss to HR if needed.

Plus, a few facts have presented themselves;

1. The OP's friend let her know by text.
2. The OP's friends reaction to the OP being upset at her not attending the wedding- far from being apologetic and explaining her stance of worrying about damaging relationships with her boss, she went on the defensive and told the OP that she has been good friends with this girl for years. Judging by the facts laid out by the OP, this does not seem to be the case.

I understand that you need to play the game sometimes and grit your teeth and go to these events just to please the boss. But surely it's not worth upsetting your friend when you have a cast iron reason to give to your boss for not attending his daughters wedding- she has known about this wedding for two years.

It's up to the OP to decide whether, based on conversations that she has had with her friend, this boss is so tyrannical that he would want to exercise his authority over his subordinates. However, based on the facts presented to us, it's far more likely, in my view, that the OP's friend is a shallow social climber who has opted to attend this wedding to advance herself socially and to curry favour with the boss.

Missy Moo Moo

bananaRep12 wrote: »

OP, was it an invitation to your wedding you issued, or an order to attend?

Surely everyone has a right to decide if he/she goes, or not?


Your reaction makes the other lady's response justifiable.

Oh come on, surely people are allowed to assume that their good friends will go unless they have a genuine, valid reason?

Aodh Rua

With my hand on my heart I, as a man, truly detest these "weddings" and the stomach-turning politics that go along with them.

I would love friends at my wedding, not people I have to invite for political reasons.

Stavro Mueller

Are you sure this girl is as good a friend as you say she is? The manner in which she declined your wedding invitation and the lies she appears to be telling would suggest otherwise.

What also struck me, reading through your posts, is what a vindictive person she is when she doesn't get her own way. She froze out one of her friends because she couldn't make it to her wedding. She sulks when you don't attend any of her bashes. She went into a rant when you told her that you felt annoyed about what she'd done.

It's your own business of course but if I was in your shoes I'd be asking myself why I was continuing to be friends with such a person. She's probably perfectly nice when she's getting her own way of course. Is it a one-way friendship? Do you feel you have to go to her bashes and do what she says so that she doesn't sulk? If you think about it, going to your wedding was something that she'd be doing for you. She bailed out of that pretty quickly, didn't she?

iguana

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

If I was unlucky enough to have such a boss and if it was likely that they would make life difficult at work for me because I opted to go to a good friends wedding instead of their daughters, then I would continue to do my work to the best of my ability and report my boss to HR if needed.

A lot of jobs don't work like that. It is wrong and illegal but there are plenty of career paths where such an action would see you blacklisted forever. It may not be the way you'd choose to live your life but a lot of people see a particular career as a vocation and will make the sacrifices necessary to live the life they want.

Missy Moo Moo

iguana wrote: »

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

If I was unlucky enough to have such a boss and if it was likely that they would make life difficult at work for me because I opted to go to a good friends wedding instead of their daughters, then I would continue to do my work to the best of my ability and report my boss to HR if needed.

A lot of jobs don't work like that. It is wrong and illegal but there are plenty of career paths where such an action would see you blacklisted forever. It may not be the way you'd choose to live your life but a lot of people see a particular career as a vocation and will make the sacrifices necessary to live the life they want.

Fair enough Iguana, I take your point, but at the same time, I think this is purely theorising, what evidence do we have that this is the case? Based on the facts presented by the OP, her friend has stated that she has opted to go to the other wedding and when challenged on it, she got defensive and said that she has been friends with this girl for years. The OP then stated that she has never heard of this girl being mentioned in 7 years. At what point is a tyrannical boss alluded to in the OP?

It's for those reasons I'm sticking to my original stance that this girl is not worth the OP's friendship.

LegacyUser

hi op here

thanks for all the replies.

she has never once before said anything about her boss being demanding/unreasonable and had mentioned 2 years ago that he was at his sons wedding so they could laze around n work. hichs why i am like this- why does she HAVE to attend his daughters one if she didnt have to attend his sons?

She is a nice woman, but is prone to sulking when things dont go her way- she tends to want to decide where we have our nights out even on other peoples birthdays, and when we dont go where she wants she normally goes home early

I was out saturday (paddys day) and we hadnt spoken since the row. It was my hubbys birthday same day so we all met up that day for few drinks. It was a strictly no kids affair and everyone knew that, and she arrived into the pub with her 3 kids in tow, then got thick when another friends pointed out "we left our kids with babysitters and we are not sitting here drinking with your kids beside us"

She ignored me the whole time and sauntered off after the rugby match announcing "She didnt feel wanted"

TBH i just dont care anymore

hondasam

wedwoe wrote: »

Then my friend called me last night- a good friend, saying shes not coming to the wedding.

How close are ye, do you socialise all the time with this girl?

She bearly even knows this girl but apparantly the girls the daughter of her boss and it will look bad if she doesnt go. Its a big 300 sit down wedding with free champange- where as mines a 75 seater with wine at the meal

She must be very friendly with her boss if he invited her to his daughters wedding.

TBH i am very annoyed, not to sound like a baby but i set my date 1st, and she throwing my wedding aside like i dont even matter to her

.
I can understand why you are annoyed but this is your day not hers, she had to make a choice. They way I see it ye cannot be that close or she would be at your wedding.

curlzy

Have I got this right?:

- She didn't speak to a girl for WEEKS because she missed her wedding.
- She informed you by text that she wouldn't be attending yours, citing untrue reasons.
- She has a tantrum when your group goes somewhere she doesn't like even on other people's birthdays?
- She brings her kids to the pub even though it was agreed before hand that everyone would get babysitters?

OP, seriously cop yourself on here. This is the perfect oppurtunity to get rid of a ****e "friend", you know you haven't said one good thing about her? So yeah just stop talking to her and if anything is said, say "well sure she didn't speak to *otherfriendsname* for weeks after she missed her wedding".

Seriously OP, see this as an oppurtunity to drop her, just cut her out.

ElleEm

She sounds like a horrible friend, OP.

I can imagine that it is upsetting for you that she is prioritising someone (a stranger's) wedding over yours, but it screams the truth- that she doesn't really give a sh!t about you.

You did nothing wrong, yet she ignored you on Paddy's Day? I am surprised that she has any friends left with her smelly attitude.

Cut your losses, and think yourself lucky that the people attending your wedding love you and want to share your special day.